


A Change of Fate

by Axlaida



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Supernatural Elements, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Arguing, Blood and Injury, Blow Jobs, Changing Fate, Comfort, Communication, Confessions, Confrontations, Crying Victor Nikiforov, Death, Death Katsuki Yuuri, Depressed Victor Nikiforov, Depression, Discovery, Dry Humping, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, European Championship, Falling In Love, Fate & Destiny, First Love, First Time, Forgiveness, Ghost Dog, Grinding, Hand Jobs, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Sex, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Injury Recovery, Kissing, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Mention of Animal Death, Mistakes, Moving On, Mystery, Nationals, Original Character Death(s), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Questions, Retirement, Revelations, Sex, Skater Victor Nikiforov, Slow Build, Souls, Spirit World, Supernatural Elements, Support, Supportive Katsuki Yuuri, Talk of Suicide, Talking To Dead People, Therapy, Travel, Understanding, World Figure Skating Championships, Yuuri Lacks Emotions, learning emotions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-23
Updated: 2017-10-28
Packaged: 2018-11-18 03:21:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 36
Words: 237,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11282754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Axlaida/pseuds/Axlaida
Summary: Life as Death is simple.He guides souls, protects them, and keeps the Universe balanced by ensuring every death is followed. Death only sees those who cheat him – spirits who refuse to move on from their life or people who do not follow their fate and do not die when they’re supposed to.Yuuri is Death and he has a job to do.But life as Death gets complicated when he sees Victor. And even more, when he does the one thing he is not supposed to do – change a fate and save a life.~Or: Yuuri is Death itself and finds himself unknowingly falling in love with Victor, a lonely soul who falls for Yuuri too.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! And here is my Death AU where Yuuri is Death himself.
> 
> This AU I had been working on for a while, trying to piece together not just a story, but the Universe itself - How the afterlife works, what Yuuri's role is in the Universe, his character personality in general, and more! I hope you like it! If there is any confusion or questions, please don't hesitate to ask me! I love answering questions about this Universe!
> 
> So, in short, Yuuri is Death and lacks many emotions, who unknowingly falls in love with Victor, a lonely soul who captured the eye of death. But Yuuri has a lot to learn when it comes to being around humans, as well as a past he has forgotten, and Yuuri is in for what he would describe as the most eventful time of his existence.
> 
> I hope you all enjoy this fic!
> 
> ~ This fic is unbeta-ed. I was also uploading every two-three days, so there will be mistakes. I apologize for this in advance!

 

Victor was twenty-two when Yuuri first saw him.

He didn’t know how to describe what he felt. He knew it was something he never experienced before, but he couldn’t figure it out. Yuuri only ever knew how to sympathize. He could sympathize with angry spirits who couldn’t move on, and those who are worried about their loved ones after they died. They were easy. Yuuri could sympathize, support, and he can guide. He’s only ever known how to do that.

But when he saw Victor – blades scratching on the ice and dancing with such beautiful grace – Yuuri felt… something. It was a warm, almost tingly sensation that left him feeling weightless and he didn’t know what to think of it. He’s never felt this way.

And without realizing, he found himself attached to Victor. He was something Yuuri had never seen before.

His eyes revealed so much of who he truly was and his soul was just as beautiful. Souls were naturally beautiful, but Victor’s was captivating and held Yuuri’s attention longer than most. When Yuuri stared into Victor’s soul, he saw only little glimpses of what made Victor who he was. It held his laughter, his love, and his passion. It captured his kindness towards others and his clumsiness in reading people. It was bright and gentle and revealed everything that gave Victor his unique and singular soul.

But no soul held only the best quality of a person. No human was perfect and neither was their soul. Victor could be selfish. He could be forgetful when something didn’t interest him. His soul feels pride when he wins a gold medal, but it borderlines arrogance as he begins to think he’s the best and unbeatable. Victor wasn’t perfect, but that didn’t matter to Yuuri.

No soul just revealed who a person was. It showed how they felt too. When Yuuri gazed upon Victor’s soul, he knew he felt lonely. The emptiness was small and silent but crawled its way through when he was alone. It was Victor’s most obvious quality, yet it only showed in the absence of life. Nobody would ever see it.

But Yuuri could see it and he knew Victor was never truly alone. Between helping souls and speaking with the dead, Yuuri would find time to see him. He never allowed himself to be seen during his visits. He didn’t know how he could explain his sudden appearance in Victor’s home. He remained hidden in the shadows and merely observed Victor, curious about his interests, hobbies, and why he felt so lonely.

There were some days where Victor felt he could take on the world. Then there were days where Victor would sit alone in the dark, his dog being the only other soul in the room, and cry. Yuuri didn’t know what to think when he first saw that. He didn’t know why Victor cried but as he visited more often, he found it was Victor’s loneliness that settled in his soul and broke its way through. Victor didn’t cry every night, but when the silence is too much and the realization of it hits, Victor couldn’t stop his tears.

Yuuri began to sit with him when he cried. Victor didn’t know but Yuuri didn’t mind. He preferred it that way, but Yuuri soon wished to touch him. He wanted to ease Victor’s tears with the support he showed the dead, but he couldn’t come to do so. He hesitated to touch Victor and for the first time in his existence, he was no longer certain.

But he continued to watch Victor. As the years went by, he learned a lot about him. He was a talented figure skater with fame and a good fortune, but Yuuri didn’t care for what everyone already knew. It was the little things that had his interest – the things that nobody knew other than Victor himself.

Victor hummed songs when he walked his dogs. They were bright and cheery tunes that varied from Russia to English, and on the occasion, French. He disliked cleaning his apartment and let it grow a little messy before forcing himself to eventually clean it. He quite often forgot to lock his door when he comes home from practice but always remembered to check it before he slept. He also read a lot, too. His pile of books continued to grow as he found a new story he wanted to read. He had three bookshelves full of books; some he’s read and some he hasn’t.

Yuuri learned his habits too. He knew of Victor bad sleeping routines and his unhealthy diets he didn’t tell his coach about, and even his sexual habits too. He never meant to intrude but he couldn’t help but grow curious what set Victor off, or why he liked one thing and not another, and what made him choose to go home with a specific person. Yuuri knew sex and the anatomy of it. He knew it led to pleasure and sometimes, the creation of a new soul. Yuuri wasn’t alien to human sex. He simply didn’t feel a need to satisfy anything.

He didn’t care for sex. He didn’t yearn for it or care for touch either. It didn’t cross his mind and yet, at some point during him becoming intrigued by Victor, he became curious. He wondered if Victor ever touched him sexually or not if he would feel something. He wondered if Victor ever saw him if he would take him home like he did with the strangers he met in the clubs. He wondered how Victor would be like if they were to ever meet.

Yuuri never thought that way before. He was never curious about another human or how they’d act around him. Victor opened an entirely new world for Yuuri – a world where he felt something different for the first time in his existence. He may not know what the feeling was, but Yuuri knew it was a nice feeling.

He wanted to investigate further, but he continued to keep his distance.

 

* * *

 

When Victor turned twenty-seven, his soul began to fade.

Yuuri noticed it not long after Victor’s birthday. When a soul began to fade, their death was soon and Yuuri didn’t know how he felt about that. He couldn’t see Victor’s death yet. He still had some time left before he died but it didn’t make Yuuri feel good. Victor’s soul was losing life. The spark in his eyes began to fade. Yuuri wanted nothing more but to bring back the light to his soul – to make him feel happy again and stop his loneliness from crawling through his every thought.

Yuuri knew what would happen if he abandoned his role for a while. He’d be absent but he’d be aware of his responsibilities. It didn’t matter if he was present in the human world or not, he’d always be there in the afterlife. He’d always be talking to each person who needed to move on and guide them to their next life. He could do so much without being present. It was those who cheated him that must act. It was those who avoided their fates and survived. It didn’t come around so often, but if somebody needed to die and they didn’t, Yuuri had to ensure their death.

If Yuuri had a choice, he’d give them a second chance but he didn’t make the rules. The Universe was strict. It planned the life of each soul and if a soul went against it, the Universe grows agitated. When a soul that must die doesn’t, the Universe reacts with a consequence.

And on the day that Victor needed to die, Yuuri made a choice that caused more than just a consequence.

Victor won his sixth gold medal at the age of twenty-seven. He was once happy about his win the previous years. He enjoyed himself at the banquet with the other skaters and drank a little. This year was different. Yuuri watched him from a distance, eyeing his soul as it began to flicker and dim. The moment Yuuri saw that change, he knew that this was it. It was the day Victor would die.

A flickering soul meant a death must take place and Yuuri knew how Victor would die.

Victor said nice things to the other skaters. He called his coach to say thank you. Nobody suspected Victor’s plans - Nobody but Yuuri, who could do nothing to stop him.

Victor returned to his hotel room at two AM. He looked around his empty room, what once would have been accompanied by his companion was now silent. He lost Makkachin a few months ago, but the dogs' soul refused to move on. Yuuri let her be. At least when Victor died, he wouldn’t be alone. She’d be with him.

Yuuri watched Victor as he sat on his bed and stare at his gold medal for almost an hour. He hadn’t changed out of his suit. He hadn’t showered or got ready to sleep. He sat there, medal in hand and a stoic stare in his face.

And Yuuri watched with an unsettling feeling deep inside. He didn’t know what it was but he knew it wasn’t nice. It wasn’t warm like before. It didn’t fill him up and leave him weightless. It was cold and pulled at his insides. His mind was hazy and his fingers were shaking. He didn’t know what was happening to him.

Victor’s choice to get up was sudden. He put his coat on and left his hotel room at three AM, and Yuuri followed. He watched Victor walk down the streets of France with his arms hugged around himself and his soul losing life with each step. Victor walked and Yuuri continued to follow until he found himself halfway across a bridge – and Victor stopped.

Victor stared down at the water below. His arms gripped tighter as he shivered from the freezing wind. Yuuri stepped closer and he fought the urge to reach out. Victor reached into his coat pocket and with trembling hands, he pulled out his gold medal. The gold gleamed in the light from the streetlamp, reflecting a dim glow on Victor’s face. Yuuri watched carefully. Victor will die here. This is the moment where his life will end and Yuuri had to let it be.

Victor went to throw the medal into the water but his hand trembled as his grip tightened around the ribbon. Yuuri wanted for Victor to move. Instead, he let out a frustrated yell as the medal dropped to the floor. His fingers weaved through his hair and he began to pull. His eyes squeezed shut and tears stained his cheeks.

Victor just stood there, shivering from the cold as his shoulders jump with each sob. Yuuri reached out. His fingers lingered inches away from Victor’s arm in an impulsive decision, he gently pressed his hand to Victor’s arm.

And suddenly Victor stopped. Yuuri pulled his arm back, startled by Victor’s sudden pause. He watched cautiously as Victor leaned down to pick up the medal by his feet. He put the ribbon around his neck and let it fell to rest against his chest - the gold touching his heart. Victor stepped up into the ledge and stared at the water below. He shivered and sobbed, breathing in deep breaths as he prepared himself for a fall.

Yuuri knew Victor had to die today. It was his fate, decided by the Universe itself that he had to die there. Yuuri should let him take that step forward and fall into the frozen water below, otherwise, Victor would suffer from a consequence. Yuuri needed to let this be.

He watched as Victor moved a foot forward. He took a long, deep breath, before –

“Wait.”

The words that fell from Yuuri’s lips startled both himself and Victor. Victor stumbled back, frantically regaining his balance to stop himself from falling. His head shot towards Yuuri, eyes wide as his tears fell free and his mouth hung open, panting fast and heavily for a breath.

“Don’t – Don’t try and stop me,” Victor wept through his tears. His voice wobbled and cracked. “I can’t – I can’t take this anymore.”

Yuuri should step back. He should turn and leave Victor to follow his fate. He shouldn’t be interfering but something inside told him to stay put. He remained still and stared at the one who introduced him to so much without even knowing it – the one who wanted to meet him, but not through life.

 “What can’t you take?” Yuuri asked because he didn’t know what else he could say. Victor told him not to stop him and Yuuri would respect what he’s asking for. He’ll do as Victor says but he didn’t tell Yuuri to not talk to him, and Yuuri had a thought. If he could ease Victor into his death, at least he would die feeling some comfort from another soul.

Victor chewed on his lip as he turned to stare back down at the water. There was a long silence, one where Yuuri debated disappearing back into the unknown, until Victor asked, “Do you know who I am?” Yuuri nodded and Victor swallowed hard. “Then you know I’m a figure skater, yes?”

“You’re Victor Nikiforov.” Yuuri realized that was the first time he said Victor’s name out loud. It had a ring to it. “You just won your sixth Grand Prix. You’re seen as a living legend in figure skating.”

“T-That’s what I can’t take,” Victor stuttered through a shaky voice. “There’s so much that… that I can’t do anymore. Being a living legend, there’s so much that people expect from you and when you feel like you can’t live up to that expectation, they… I just – I can’t…”

Victor choked out a sob. He gulped for a breath, trying to ease the cries that wrecked through his body. His palm pressed against his mouth as he tried to force back his sobs. He was a mess. Yuuri knew he couldn’t leave him like that, especially if he wanted to ease him into his breath.

“What do they expect from you?” Yuuri eventually asked.

Victor’s hand dropped from his lips as he sucked in a deep breath, trying to control his crying. He wiped his cheeks with his palms, drying his tears. “They expect me to keep surprising them until I retire,” He began. “They want me to keep skating and keep winning but I just… I can’t.” He looked down at his medal. His trembling fingers touched the gold as he lifted it up and stared at his reflection. He sighed hard. “There’s so much they expect from me and I’ve disappointed them today.”

Yuuri tried to understand Victor, but he struggled to do so. “How did you disappoint everyone?”

Victor dropped the medal and shook his head. “This competition… I had nothing. My inspiration has gone and I don’t know how I can surprise anyone anymore. I don’t know what to do next and they know that. It disappointed them.” He squeezed his eyes shut to force his tears back. “They expect me to retire now. They’re waiting for me to announce it but knowing that I couldn’t surprise them anymore... I never wanted to retire being… being predictable. But what do I do?”

He glanced back. His eyes searched through Yuuri’s and begged for help. Yuuri stared back but he didn’t know what to say or do. He couldn’t give Victor the answer to his questions, no matter how much he wanted to. He shouldn’t even be talking to Victor. His fate was to die. He had to die at the age of twenty-seven by jumping off that bridge.

And yet, Yuuri couldn’t turn away. “Then don’t,” He said. It was such a simple thing to suggest but it was all the advice Yuuri had. “Don’t retire.”

“But I can’t keep skating if I don’t know how to surprise them!” Victor snapped. He was frantic for an answer – a solution. “And i-it’s true. They know I’m out of surprises but I can’t let them think that. If I do then I’ll just disappoint myself…” He swallowed thickly, shaking his head to himself as he stared back at the water. “I’ve spent my whole career surprising people and knowing I can’t do that anymore, I’ve disappointed everyone. I’ve disappointed my coach, my audience, myself… I don’t know what to do anymore.”

Yuuri leaned against the ledge and stared down at the water Victor wanted to jump into. He got lost in his thoughts.

The attempt would kill him. The fall wouldn’t but the cold, the depth, and the water current would. Yuuri saw others who had done the same before Victor, and all met the same fate, each with a different story to tell. It was strangely poetic, but not something Yuuri looked at lightly. He didn’t want people dying this way. If he had the choice, he’d stop each and every one, but that was beyond his decision.

“And you think this won’t disappoint them?”

Victor stuttered through a muted reply and Yuuri caught the hesitation. He was beginning to second-guess his choice. Yuuri pondered if by helping Victor, he was cheating himself but he wasn’t sure if he was even doing so. Victor was someone who needed to die. By helping Victor, Yuuri could say that he was technically cheating himself, but perhaps this would be different. He would be the one who helped Victor live. The Universe could be kinder to him if he made that choice for Victor. He couldn’t be certain, but he couldn’t find it in himself to stop either.

He didn’t know why but he couldn’t let Victor die.

“Would it matter if I disappoint them one last time?” Victor asked. He looked at Yuuri, waiting for an answer. Yuuri didn’t reply. “This may disappoint everyone, but this…” He paused and looked down at the water. “This will surprise them.”

“Be a coach.”

Victor’s stare snapped back at Yuuri. “…What?”

“You said they expected you to retire, but you can’t keep skating. Become a coach.” Yuuri knew by this point he was only encouraging Victor to live. He should follow the rules the Universe set out and let Victor’s fate remain undisturbed. He shouldn’t be helping but as he glanced at Victor’s and watched it’s flickering slow and hold onto life, Yuuri felt warmth. “Who’d see that coming?”

Victor stayed silent. He turned away and Yuuri noticed the smallest movements on his face – the slight drop of his brows and the unfocused stare in his eye as he gazed off into the distance. He was deep in his own thoughts. Eventually, he pulled out as he came to an answer.

“No, I can’t,” Victor sighed as he shook his head. “How can I coach someone when I have nothing to offer? If I coached somebody, I’d only ruin their career.”

Yuuri didn’t know what else to say. He wasn’t certain that there was anything else he could say and as he remained standing next to Victor, he watched his soul fight for life. It always amazed Yuuri how souls would fight against their fate. As the two stood in silence, Yuuri wondered where his new feelings came from and why they caused him to become so reckless. It was strange and he didn’t understand it. He tried to. For the past five years, he tried to figure out why Victor made him feel differently, but it was something he couldn’t figure out.

He also didn’t understand Victor’s reason for wanting to jump. He understood Victor’s passion for skating, but his desperate need to live up to an expectation and surprise people was something he couldn’t work out. Humans were strange beings. He wondered if it had any involvement with Victor’s loneliness – if he surprised people, he’d feel less lonely. It surprised Yuuri that it wasn’t the reason why he was stood on that ledge but Victor could just be keeping it a secret. He knew how secretive humans could be too.

But out of everything, Yuuri surprised himself.

He never expected himself to appear and talk to Victor. He most definitely didn’t expect to stop Victor from jumping either. He wasn’t doing so in a way. He was talking to Victor about how he felt and helping him understand some things, but that was making Victor second-guess his choice and Yuuri had never done that before. He didn’t know if it was stopping Victor or easing him into a calmer death, but Yuuri couldn’t see a different death for Victor. It was the only end he could see.

“What’s your name?” Victor asked, breaking the silence with the shakiness of his voice.

Yuuri glanced up and met Victor’s pale blue eyes. “Yuuri.”

An old name. One he was given long ago.

“Why are you here, Yuuri?” He asked; the question caused Yuuri to blink. “You don’t know me. Why are you talking to me while I’m up here?”

“I don’t know,” Yuuri answered with honesty. He didn’t know why and he wouldn’t mind knowing himself. “I think I just wanted to talk to you.”

Victor huffed out a weak laugh. “So, you’re a fan.”

“Oh, no. I’m not,” Yuuri shook his head and Victor’s face dropped. He chewed his lip, unsure what to say as a reply and Yuuri held his stare. There was one reason why he spoke to Victor – one reason he felt was enough of a response. “You just looked like you needed someone.”

Victor stunned face turned as he blinked. Yuuri couldn’t help but become curious. Something went through Victor’s mind and Yuuri glanced at his soul. It was the only thing he could read and somewhat understand. He watched it, eyeing the flickering that was gradually fading and slowing. The emptiness inside lessened as something new came into view.

And as Victor turned to face Yuuri, his soul fought one last time before it no longer blinked.

Victor stepped down from the ledge. His feet placed safely on the ground. He stared at Yuuri, his eyes red from crying and still full of tears but none fell anymore. He seemed to be… okay, but Yuuri checked his soul to be certain.

There was something new coming into view. It was bright against the darkness that captured his soul. It was like a bright star against the dark. It shined and gleamed with the blues of Victor’s eyes and as Yuuri watched it push its way through the emptiness, he learned what that feeling was.

Hope.

Victor sniffed, wiping his face with his palms before moving to remove his gold medal from around his neck. He stared down at it and let his fingertips stroke across the cold metal. Then he turned towards the water and stepped closer to the ledge. He didn’t move to step up again. Instead, he hesitated for only a moment before he raised his hand and dropped the medal into the water below.

There was a thick silence as the medal hit the frozen water. Victor didn’t take his eyes away. He searched through the water and Yuuri came up beside him, taking a look for himself. His eyes scanned the water. He couldn’t see the medal anywhere.

“I didn’t need that to be a reminder of today,” Victor said as he turned to Yuuri. Yuuri didn’t completely understand the statement he just made, but he didn’t care to work it out. It helped Victor feel better by doing so. “Can I… Can I ask you a favor? You don’t have to say yes, but I would like to ask… just in case.”

Yuuri nodded. “Okay.”

“I – this may sound stupid, and God, I feel really stupid right now but I might as well continue to be.” His gaze dropped to the floor for a moment before his head rose and he met Yuuri’s eye stare. “But can I… can I stay with you for a while?”

“I don’t have a home.”

“Oh,” Victor didn’t blink for at least twenty seconds – at least. “You… You really don’t have a home?”

Yuuri shook his head. “No. I’ve never had one.” He wasn’t lying. He had no use of a home as he doesn’t sleep. It was normal for him, but he didn’t realize it wasn’t normal for Victor to hear until the words fell from his lips.

There was a type of sadness in Victor’s eyes, then he asked, “Can you stay with me tonight?”

Yuuri should say no. He had done enough to change the course of Victor’s life for one night. He shouldn’t stay with him any longer than he already had. His time to leave was now. He didn’t belong in the mortal world. He shouldn’t be talking to the living as he was Death himself. He had the afterlife to see. He had spirits to help.

But the Universe held no change. The world continued to spin, people still breathed, and Yuuri felt no different. The Universe felt no different to how it usually did and Yuuri hoped it would stay that way.

“Yes,” He answered without thinking and soon began to wonder how in control he was of his own mind. He didn’t feel in control. It was like somebody else held the wheel, guiding Yuuri down paths he didn’t expect to take, but nothing else could have made him say that.

He walked with Victor back to his hotel room. Victor explained the way and what hotel he was in and Yuuri had to stop himself from saying he already knew. Their walk was mostly in silence. Victor occasionally said something and Yuuri would reply, but it was mostly silent.

When they entered the hotel and stepped into the elevator, it was past four AM. The way up to his floor was silent and Yuuri took that moment to have a proper look at Victor, now he could see him better. His eyes were heavy with a need to sleep and his skin looked pale. The only color on his face was the faint red across his nose, cheeks, and eyes, but that was from the cold and the crying. Yuuri wasn’t certain why he disliked that look on Victor. There was something about it that made him feel unsettled and low.

They made it to Victor’s floor and Yuuri followed him into his room. A click of the switch illuminated the room and Yuuri had no time to look around as Victor tugged off his coat, dropping it to the floor with little care as he slipped off his shoes

He then turned to Yuuri. “I’ll be just a moment,” and disappeared from sight, moving into another room.

Yuuri closed the door behind him and lingered in the hallway. He didn’t know what to do. As a spirit, he could roam and move as freely as he wanted. In his human form, he was limited. He didn’t know where to stand or what to do with his hands. His eyes then fell to Victor’s coat and shoes. He moved Victor’s shoes aside before hanging his coat up on the coat rack, keeping them out of the way and tidy. He then smiled to himself, hoping it would make Victor smile too.

Victor returned moments later. He glanced at his coat and shoes that Yuuri moved out of the way. He then met Yuuri’s gaze and when a small smile grew on his lips, Yuuri’s chest fluttered. He was so glad to see it.

“I just had to hang up my jacket,” Victor said before adding, “I didn’t want to get it creased. It’s expensive.”

Yuuri wondered why his jacket was more important than his coat, but it didn’t seem relevant enough for him to ask. Victor’s jacket and tie were the only things that were removed during his disappearance. His shirts had a few buttons undone and wasn’t tucked into his pants anymore. Yuuri’s eyes lingered for a moment before saying, “That’s fine.”

“I guess I probably should have done the same to my coat, huh?” Victor said with a faint smile. Yuuri didn’t reply and Victor's smile dropped. He glanced away, staring down at the floor and Yuuri wondered why his eyes turned sad. “I feel like I didn’t give you much of a choice coming here tonight.”

Yuuri didn’t understand why he thought that. “Why?”

“I was… well –  _there._ I was ready to… jump and then I asked you to come with me.” Victor met his eyes. “You probably thought if you said no that I might go back.”

“I didn’t think that,” Yuuri said, shaking his head. It wasn’t even a thought that came to his mind when Victor asked him. His thoughts were completely different, but nothing he could tell Victor. “You looked like you needed someone.”

“I know, you said.” Victor crossed his arms and turned his gaze to the floor. He closed his eyes while he took a deep breath as if to prepare himself for something and Yuuri didn’t have time to ask before they opened again. “I asked you here tonight because I need to be with someone. I need… I need to… feel.”

Yuuri didn’t know what he meant by it, but as Victor stepped forward and held out his hand, Yuuri took it. His fingers laced with Victor’s and Yuuri stared at their linked hands. His breath hitched as he felt the warmth of Victor’s hand against his own. It was the first time Victor was touching him. Yuuri could feel something growing inside – something soft and warm but he still didn’t know what that feeling was.

But Yuuri knew he felt little sparks of static dance over his skin where Victor’s hand touched his. He felt so warm and soft that Yuuri’s insides pulled so pleasantly. Whatever that feeling was, Yuuri didn’t understand it. He didn’t know what it was but he knew it felt good. He knew it was safe for him to feel. And as Victor guided him into the bedroom, Yuuri didn’t protest.

The door closed behind him. Victor turned and faced Yuuri with desperation in his eyes. His hands moved to cup Yuuri’s cheeks as he guided Yuuri backward, stopping until his back hit against the door. Victor’s skin was so soft against his own and his breath was hot against Yuuri’s lips. This kind of intimacy was so new to Yuuri, and yet, he felt no reason to deny it. Their foreheads touched and Yuuri let his hands fall to Victor’s waist, touching the soft fabric of his shirt beneath his fingers. He wanted Victor’s skin. He wanted his touch.

Yuuri stared through Victor’s eyes and straight into his soul. He could read everything he felt. There was sadness and loneliness that glazed over, but he could also see lust and he didn’t know why that caused an ache inside. As Victor stared into Yuuri’s own eyes, he wondered what he could read. He wondered if his eyes showed as much emotion as Victor’s did. He felt Victor’s thumb caress his cheek and Yuuri closed his eyes as Victor leaned in, capturing his lips with Yuuri’s own.

Kissing Victor felt… nice. He couldn’t say it felt right, but it was nice. His lips were soft and his breath felt warm against his lips. Their kiss blurred into another, and another – until their lips open against each other’s and he felt the push of Victor’s tongue into his mouth. Yuuri began to enjoy it. He could somewhat understand why Victor would yearn for this. He still didn’t himself but he could understand just a little better. Victor’s arms then laced around the back of his neck, pulling him closer as Victor angled his hips forward into Yuuri’s body and-

_Oh._

“Victor,” Yuuri gasped as he pulled away. Victor moved to kiss along his neck and Yuuri’s body began to heat up. It was new. Everything he felt was so new and Yuuri did enjoy this, but he couldn’t stop thinking how it didn’t feel right. “Wait – Victor.”

But Victor didn’t stop pressing his lips against Yuuri’s skin. He hesitated but he didn’t stop. Yuuri didn’t worry either. He knew from Victor’s past lovers that he would stop when he’s asked. Yuuri pressed his hands to Victor’s shoulders and with a little force, he said firmly, “Victor. Stop.”

And he did.

He pulled back but stayed close. He didn’t meet Yuuri’s eyes but kept his gaze fixed on the collar of Yuuri’s shirt. He sighed hard and leaned forward, resting his head against Yuuri’s chest as he choked out a single sob.

Yuuri went to pull him close but Victor moved away. He turned his back to Yuuri, keeping his face hidden but Yuuri could see how tense his shoulders were. His arms were hugged around himself. Yuuri stepped forward as Victor stuttered out an apology.

“I – I’m sorry.” His voice trembled and Yuuri could hear he was holding back his cries. “I – I think you should go.”

But Yuuri didn’t move. He watched as Victor moved to the bed and crawled over the sheets. He laid on his side, keeping his back facing Yuuri as he silently wept to himself. Yuuri couldn’t understand Victor. He struggled to learn what was going through his mind. He knew he shouldn’t continue to interfere with Victor but Yuuri wanted to try and learn. He wished to get to know Victor. The Universe made no move to try and change Yuuri’s actions and although he knew the risk was still there, he was willing to fight against it.

He may not understand what Victor was going through, but he decided that Victor didn’t deserve the fate that he was given.

Yuuri moved towards the bed, slipping off his shoes as he did so. He sat down on the side and Victor turned, glancing over his shoulder when he felt the shift on his bed and eyed Yuuri curiously. Through the darkness, Yuuri could see the pain and sorrow in his face. There were tears down his cheeks and Yuuri moved to lie down beside him. He didn’t touch or speak to Victor but showed him comfort without it. When he heard Victor sniff, he finally turned to his side and faced Yuuri.

His soul was still dim and faint. The only change was the flicker of death, but now it seemed more lost than broken. His soul fought hard throughout the night, fighting against Yuuri but working with him too. It felt strange that he helped a soul fight against him. He helped Victor survive the night and as he stared further into Victor’s soul, he saw hope once again. It was small, hardly noticeable but it was there. It was still fighting its way through the emptiness. Yuuri couldn’t help but smile at it. He admitted Victor’s soul. It had fight.

Victor’s arms then wrapped around Yuuri’s waist, needing to be close to him. The move took him by surprise but he let it be as Victor pulled Yuuri close. It wasn’t like before. This time, Victor wanted to feel his touch. He wanted to be in Yuuri’s arms. His fingers grasped the back of Yuuri’s shirt as he buried his head into the crook of his neck. His breath danced over Yuuri’s skin and his hair tickled his chin.

Yuuri returned the touch too. His arms wrapped around Victor and buried his head in his hair. He liked how Victor’s hair smelled. His hand laced through his hair. He didn’t know if Victor liked the touch but he had seen other people do it before. He scratched Victor’s scalp and stroked his fingers through the soft strands. When he heard Victor sigh with content, Yuuri took note to do it in the future.

They stay like that for a while. Victor held onto Yuuri as Yuuri’s fingers laced through his hair. He sighed with content and Yuuri tightened his grip as he heard Victor say in just above a whisper, “Thank you for stopping me.” Yuuri didn’t know what to say. “I’m an awful person. You helped me and I tried to take advantage of that – of you.”

“You were lonely,” Yuuri whispered back. He didn’t think Victor took advantage of anything he had done. He knew Victor was lonely and he knew Victor was going through something emotional. Humans could be impulsive and Yuuri couldn’t blame Victor for that. “You needed someone.”

Victor swallowed hard and nodded. “Yeah, I did.” He admitted. “I… I’m lonely, Yuuri.”

Yuuri wished he could tell Victor that he’s never been alone. He wanted to say he always tried to be there when he could, but he couldn’t. That was a secret Yuuri wasn’t certain he could ever let out. As Victor drifted to sleep in his arms, Yuuri thought back to the events of the night. He knew he acted impulsively. His decision was completely reckless and he shouldn’t have stopped Victor, even if he wasn’t certain of what he was doing. He shouldn’t have made himself be seen to begin with.

And he felt the Universe beginning to protest. Its aura sat heavily on his shoulders and whispered faint disapprovals in the back of his mind. As Yuuri looked down at Victor’s sleeping form, he decided that the Universe could complain all it wanted because he wanted to make a choice for once. The universe was not happy with him. It was frustrated and agitated, but regardless of its displeasure, Yuuri will not change the outcome.

As Yuuri watched Victor sleep, he ignored the Universe the best he could and tried to figure out what he’s been feeling for the past five years.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do feel quite nervous uploading this. I've never written anything like this before. I hope I did okay?
> 
> But if you've made it this far, thank you for reading!! I'll try and upload weekly, but I can't promise that. Usually, I finish fics before I upload them, but with this one, I'm at Chapter Three and I don't see an end anytime soon. But I'll try!
> 
>  
> 
> ~~I upload every 2 days!~~


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Shoves a chapter out and runs* hERE HAVE THIS
> 
>  
> 
> P.S. My beta reader hasn't read these updates yet so any mistakes are my own!

 

Victor made weird faces when he slept.

Yuuri watched him sleep the rest of the morning until the sun rose over the horizon. For as long as the darkness held, he slept peacefully – eyelids closed against the dim light of dawn and his breathing deep and relaxed. The muscles on his face and body were at ease and the rise and fall of his chest were at a steady pace. But as soon as the rays of the sun broke through the poorly drawn curtains, he came to life.

He shuffled around a lot, unable to find a comfortable position in Yuuri’s arms. Yuuri moved to sit up after Victor nearly slapped him in the face. He shifted to lay back against the headboard of the bed and Victor eventually found a good position to sleep in – curled up against Yuuri’s leg, his face pressed against Yuuri’s side. His nose would twitch every so often and his mouth fell open at some point as a hint of drool fell from his lips. It was the least graceful thing Yuuri’s seen, but as he gently tucked Victor’s fringe behind his ear, he found that he hadn’t once turned away from watching Victor sleep.

The shrill of Victor’s alarm on his phone disrupted his sleep and Victor jerked against the noise, his eyes blinking rapidly as he woke up. He let out a groan as he laid to his side, grasping for his phone and switching the alarm off. He stared at his phone for a moment and Yuuri peered over his shoulder to have a look too. Victor had several unread messages but Yuuri didn’t pay attention to that. He wanted to check the time and when he saw it was seven AM, his first thought was that Victor only had three hours sleep.

Yuuri wanted to tell Victor to go back to sleep because three hours was not enough for a human to feel fully awake, but as Victor dropped his phone by his side and laid on his back, Yuuri wondered if he was going to sleep. His eyes stared up at the ceiling, but they were unfocused and tired. He paid no attention to Yuuri and Yuuri wondered if Victor knew he was still there. He hadn’t disappeared, so Victor should see him.

Yuuri reached out, wanting to make his presence known. As his hand touched Victor’s arm, feeling the soft fabric of his shirt beneath his palm, Victor looked over. He smiled, but it was weak and didn’t reach his eyes. “I thought you would have left by now,” Victor said, his accent heavy in his voice.

Yuuri didn’t know why Victor thought that, but then he wondered if that was Victor hinting that he should have left. “But you asked me here,” Yuuri said, hoping he hadn’t overstayed his welcome.

When Victor’s smile turned warm, Yuuri felt relief. Victor reached up, his palm touched against Yuuri’s cheek. Everything from the moment Yuuri saw Victor was new to him – and even more so when he first spoke to him. Every touch, every word – it was something he’d never felt nor experienced before. And while he felt horribly inexperienced in being human, he found himself reacting by instinct – especially when Victor’s thumb began to trace along his lower lip, he moved in with the touch.

Victor dropped his hand and moved to sit up. Yuuri watched him as he rubbed at his tired eyes and stretched. He picked up his phone and scrolled through the notifications he had. His thumb hovered over a few messages, hesitating to reply, but he didn’t respond to any. He then dropped his phone to his side and turned to Yuuri. “Would you like a coffee?” He asked, “I’m sure you must be as tired as I am.”

“I’m not tired,” Yuuri replied because he’s never felt tired. He doesn’t sleep. Victor’s stare lingered and Yuuri reminded himself that he was pretending to be human and human’s _sleep._ “I – I mean, I don’t really feel that tired. So, no, thank you.”

Victor nodded and moved off the bed. He walked towards the door and Yuuri stayed behind, unsure if he should follow Victor or not. He paused as he opened the door and turned to Yuuri with a raised brow. “Would you like to…?” He pointed his finger to the outside of the door and Yuuri made no attempt to move, only confused by Victor’s gesture. “Shall we sit in the kitchen?”

As Yuuri gets up, he found that Victor had already gone. Yuuri looked around, searching for Victor’s soul. He caught it moving around in another room and Yuuri followed it. As he walked into the kitchen, he found Victor had already finished making his coffee and was sat down at the table. He looked up at Yuuri, smiled and said, “You can make yourself comfortable.”

Yuuri moved to sit in the seat opposite Victor and as they sat in silence, Yuuri didn’t know what to say. He had never had to find conversation with a living human before. He always spoke to the dead, about their death or the afterlife. It was easy for him to talk with them. He could speak and guide a spirit, but a human was different. Victor didn’t want to know about the afterlife or what would happen to him after death. He was alive and breathing and wanted to know things which didn’t involve him rethinking his existence.

“Last night…” Victor suddenly spoke, disrupting Yuuri from his thoughts. “I – I want to be honest with you. I’ve never thought about doing that before. I never thought I’d want to do that, but with everything that happened… It was… It was new.”

“I know,” Yuuri nodded and Victor’s head shot up, meeting Yuuri’s gaze with questionable eyes. Yuuri reminded himself again that he was pretending to be human and humans couldn’t read souls. He cleared his throat and spoke the first excuse that came to mind. “It – It seemed like your first attempt.”

His expression dropped as he bowed his head. His grip tightened around his mug and Yuuri pulled his hands away, stopping him from grasping at the hot mug and putting it to the side. Victor clutched tightly onto Yuuri’s hands instead, not wanting to let go – and Yuuri didn’t try to pull away.

“I still feel like going back,” Victor spoke just above a whisper. “I thought because I stepped away, I would start to feel better, but I don’t. I still think about it and my failures and…” He took a deep breath and stared up at the ceiling, keeping his tears from falling.

Yuuri felt a tug inside. “What was it that you want to happen?” Yuuri asked. It reminded him of their conversation last night where Yuuri would ask questions and Victor would answer. Yuuri could ask Victor questions easily, but he struggled to find a way to actually help Victor get better.

Victor looked up. “I want to not feel like this anymore,” He said. “I want to get my inspiration back. I want to surprise my audience again, but…” He stared down at the table. “But I’m afraid I’ll disappoint everyone again. I don’t want to disappoint anyone.”

Yuuri didn’t know what else to ask. While he now knew that Victor didn’t feel any less different to last night, he wondered if that was the Universes consequence. But as he still felt its aura weighing heavily against his back, he knew that it hadn’t acted yet. Yuuri watched as Victor let go of one hand to picked up his mug and take a sip. His eyes were still heavy with sleep, but he didn’t look so pale anymore. “How do you feel today?” Yuuri asked when he found something to ask.

Victor glanced at him over his mug. He put it down but didn’t reach for Yuuri’s other hand again. He was silent for a moment, staring off towards nothing as he thought. “I think I feel a little better. I don’t feel so… so alone right now. It was you who helped me with that. But I still feel…” He swallowed thickly and met Yuuri’s stare. “I still feel like I should do it.”

Yuuri didn’t know what to say as a reply so he chose to say nothing. Victor turned his gaze away from Yuuri and put his attention to his coffee, which he occasionally sipped at. While they struggled to find something to say to each other, their hands stayed laced together in a tight hold, neither one wanting to let go.

Eventually, Victor sighed and looked up at Yuuri as he said, “You don’t have a home.” He remembered it from last night, Yuuri thought. “So, you’re homeless?”

Yuuri never thought of it that way. He was Death. He didn’t have a use for a home. It was different now he was pretending to be human. He didn’t have a place to call home or a roof over his head, and he assumed by the human’s definition of homeless that yes, he was. Yuuri nodded and Victor sat up straight as his face dropped with sorrow.

“You know I didn’t ask you here because I pitied you, right?”

Yuuri already knew this. “I know you didn’t,” He said. “You asked me here because you didn’t want to be alone.”

Victor didn’t reply as he turned away. Yuuri didn’t know why Victor turned away from him. Yuuri wondered if he felt ashamed or embarrassed about how he felt. He shouldn’t – it was a normal emotion for humans to feel. At the same time, Yuuri also noted that Victor couldn’t help feeling like that either.

“I haven’t taken you away from anyone, have I?” Victor asked as he looked up with worry to his eyes. “You don’t have a lover, do you?”

Yuuri shook his head. He never had a lover. “No. There is nobody.”

Victor didn’t reply immediately but he was thinking about something. Yuuri watched as his mouth dropped open but he hesitated to ask his question until, eventually, he said, “I feel if I ask you this, I’m being selfish, but I want to ask you anyway in case you say yes.”

Yuuri’s head tilted to the side. “What do you want to ask me?”

Victor cleared his throat as he began. “Well, it’s a lot to ask of you. You’ve already done so much for me, but I’m asking you… I’m asking you for help.” Victor turned away as he took a deep breath. “I don’t want you to leave me. In one night, you helped me in more ways than anyone has in… Oh, I don’t know… years, probably. I don’t want to say this because I feel like I’m guilt tripping you into staying, but I feel if you left me, I… I couldn’t be certain that I wouldn’t try again.”

Yuuri could feel the pressure of the Universes aura telling him that he should leave, that Victor needed to try again. Victor’s fate had changed and Yuuri was the cause of it. The Universe wanted – _needed_ Yuuri to set Victor’s fate on the right tracks. The Universe needed Victor to die last night to keep its balance.

But Yuuri came to a new decision – his _first_ decision. He’s followed the Universe for a long time and for once, he wanted to let somebody have a second chance rather than let the Universe decide that for them. Victor was the first person whose fate had changed because of Yuuri, and while Yuuri still doesn’t fully understand why he did it, he knows he’s happy with his decision.

It was stupid of Yuuri to fight against the Universe. He knew that. But he’s been with Victor for so long – watching him evolve and succeed for five years, that he felt he couldn’t let Victor fall to his fate so easily. Yuuri wanted to make a choice for the first time in his existence, and he wanted to make a choice that could let somebody live.

“You can help me though, yes?” Victor asked, looking up at Yuuri. “I didn’t follow my plans last night, but nothing was solved either. You didn’t help me fight that. But you did help me with my loneliness, and while I do still… still feel alone, I don’t feel as alone as I did before. And I feel that you can help me in more ways too.”

Yuuri hoped he could help Victor. He may not be able to, but he was willing to try. “Yes,” He said, “I can try.”

Through his sad eyes, Victor smiled. “I feel like we can help each other, in a way,” Victor said and Yuuri wondered what he meant. “What I want to ask you… It’s selfish, but I want to give you something too. I help you, and you help me. I want you to come and live with me.”

Yuuri blinked. “Live with you?” He had never lived with somebody before.

“I want you to come and live with me,” Victor repeated, nodding. “I can then give you something too. I can give you a home.”

The offer startled Yuuri. He had never been asked to live with someone, and it felt even stranger hearing it from Victor. Victor wanted him to live with him and not for his own reason. He wanted to give Yuuri a home – a place to stay, and it made Yuuri feel warm. Yuuri liked the idea of living with Victor, and it would be different this time because Victor would be able to see Yuuri.

“Yes.”

“I – really?” Victor gasped as his smile reached his eyes. Yuuri didn’t know what was so exciting for him to be living with Victor, but as he nodded, he felt Victor’s hand grasp his. Yuuri glanced down at their intertwined hands and felt his cheeks warm. As he glanced up, he noticed Victor’s eyes seemed to brighten up. “And when I travel, yes? I’ll be leaving for Nationals soon. You’ll join me, won’t you?”

Yuuri would have joined him regardless. Even if Victor didn’t know he was there, Yuuri still would have watched him skate, if he wanted. Yuuri nodded again and in an instant, Yuuri felt himself being pulled up from his chair and into a warm embrace. Victor’s sudden reaction startled him, but as the hug lingered, Yuuri found his hands pressed to Victor’s back.

Victor kept his arms around Yuuri as he pulled back. “This is incredible. Thank you, Yuuri. Thank you so much,” His eyes glanced between Yuuri’s eyes and his lips, and Yuuri wondered what he was thinking. Victor’s arms rested on Yuuri’s shoulders and one hand shifted to move to the back of his neck – his fingers playing with the tips of Yuuri’s hair. “I’ll have to buy you a plane ticket and tell Yakov that you’ll be joining us and – oh! I can’t wait to introduce you to my team! And –”

“Victor!” Yuuri nearly yelled. Victor was speaking too fast and excitedly for Yuuri to think about what he wanted to say. Victor stopped when he heard his name and stared at Yuuri with a raised brow and happy eyes. Yuuri gave him a polite smile as he said, “You don’t have to buy me anything.”

“Oh?” Victor pulled back to sit down. Yuuri did the same. “Do you already have a flight to Russia?”

“No,” Yuuri said, shaking his head.

Victor's eyes fixed onto Yuuri as he blinked. “Do you… have the money to buy a ticket?” Yuuri shook his head again. He doesn’t have any money. Victor seemed startled as his smile dropped and Yuuri thought it was rather obvious that he didn’t have money. “You do know you need to pay for a plane ticket, yes?”

“I know. I am aware,” Yuuri said. “I can make it to Russia without you wasting your money on me.” Yuuri doesn’t want Victor to spend money on him, especially on travel. Yuuri could travel anywhere he pleased – and quicker than a plane.

“But it wouldn’t be a waste,” Victor protested. “You’ll get to fly with me and – wait, you’re not afraid of planes, are you?”

Yuuri wasn’t sure if he was afraid of anything. It wasn’t anything he thought about. “No,” He said. “Planes don’t scare me.”

Victor paused. “Do you not want to live with me?”

Yuuri tried to understand how Victor came to that conclusion but he couldn’t figure it out. “Of course, I do,” Yuuri snapped and he didn’t know why. The question repeated in his mind and Yuuri felt the urge to say more, but he chose not to. “Can you trust me?”

Victor shrugged. “That depends.”

Yuuri didn’t know how to explain that he didn’t want or need Victor to buy him a plane ticket. He knew he couldn’t say he could appear from one country to another in seconds. It would only add to the confusion as well as encourage Victor to ask questions. He wanted Victor’s trust, especially when there were things Yuuri couldn’t explain to him.

“Will you trust me when I say I’ll meet you at the airport?”

Victor didn’t answer. He stared through Yuuri, expression blank and motionless. Yuuri couldn’t tell what he was feeling. As he peered at Victor’s soul, he saw a change. Victor was struggling to trust Yuuri. Fear and doubt were pushing through. Victor feared that Yuuri was lying to him, but Yuuri knew he would never lie to Victor. He wanted Victor to trust him and he was determined to prove his trust.

“I’ll stay with you until you need to leave and then I’ll meet you in Russia, at the airport.” Yuuri glanced at his soul. There wasn’t a change. “Please try and trust me. I have no reason to lie to you.”

Victor held his stare and Yuuri could see he was trying to trust Yuuri. Yuuri knew it was a lot to ask from Victor, especially after the night he had. Victor then closed his eyes and took a deep breath as he whispered, “Please don’t be lying to me.” Yuuri saw his soul trying to believe him.

“I won’t,” Yuuri said as he reached across the table, lacing his fingers with Victor’s. “Never.”

Victor opened his eyes and nodded weakly. He tightened his grip around Yuuri’s fingers. Yuuri knew Victor was struggling to believe him, but he was trying. The fact that Victor was trying to trust him made Yuuri feel warm and happy.

“You’re kind of weird,” Victor said suddenly and Yuuri didn’t know how to reply to it. He didn’t know exactly what made him ‘weird’, but he assumed that in a human’s eye, he wasn’t the most ‘normal’ person out here. Victor then stuttered, his face dropping. “Uh, I didn’t – I didn’t mean it to be rude, but you’re weird. You act differently to most people I know and you… I don’t know. It seems like you know things no one else does... if that make’s sense?"

“I think so,” Yuuri said.

“I have to be honest with you, Yuuri,” Victor paused. “But I find it endearing.”

Victor’s words repeated in his mind and it pulled at Yuuri’s insides and made it flutter. He blinked, unsure on his feeling as he wondered why Victor thought he was interesting after calling him weird. Yuuri thought from his knowledge on humans that being weird wasn’t a good thing to be called. But the fact that Victor followed it up with a compliment felt strange to Yuuri and it confused him.

“You… do?”

Victor nodded. “Yes. You’re different. I want to know more about you.”

Yuuri didn’t get the chance to reply when he sensed another soul coming near. Yuuri glanced towards it just as they knocked on the door, startling Victor. Yuuri already knew who was on the other side. It was Yuri Plisetdky, and by the look of his soul, he was not happy.

Victor turned to Yuuri. “Just – stay here, alright? Don’t leave the room.” He stood up and left the kitchen, closing the door behind him. Yuuri listened as he heard Victor walk towards the door and opened it.

“Where the hell did you go last night?!” Yuri yelled as he stormed into the room. Yuuri entered too, having turned invisible to the two souls that stood in front of him. He watched their interaction – his curiosity wanting to know more.

He saw Victor’s face pale as he closed the door and faced Yuri. “I – I didn’t –”

“Oh, spare me any pathetic excuse you have, “Yuri snapped. His face held anger but Yuuri could see from his soul that he was more frustrated. He was impatient too, and his care merged with it. While Yuuri didn’t know why Yuri was frustrated with Victor, he knew that regardless, it was because Yuri cared for him. “I saw you leaving at three this morning. Where did you go?”

Victor’s mouth dropped open but he didn’t know what to say and hesitated to reply. “I was… I was just – just out for a walk. That’s all.”

Yuri didn’t believe him. His arms crossed as he huffed out a reply. “Right, because _normal_ people go out for a walk at three AM, right?” Victor didn’t reply. Yuri turned on his heel and stared down the hall as he asked, “Who do you have here?”

“Yuri –”

“You brought somebody home again, didn’t you?” Yuri demanded and when Victor failed to reply, Yuri stormed down the hall and towards Victor’s bedroom. Victor followed, calling Yuri’s name but he didn’t hesitate or pause. He was on a mission.

The bedroom door swung open as Yuri stalked in. He dropped to the floor to check under the bed then inside the wardrobe. He searched behind the curtains and the en suite – anywhere he thought somebody would be hiding. Eventually, he realized that nobody else was in Victor’s hotel room and crossed his arms as he huffed – confused and frustrated.

“Somebody has to be here,” Yuri demanded as he glared towards Victor. “Or somebody has been here. Come on. Spill.”

“I don’t see why you’re so interested if I have somebody here,” Victor snapped back. “It doesn’t matter to you.”

“So you _do_ have somebody here?” Yuri asked and Victor stayed silent. Certainty held in Yuri’s soul. His eyes stared past Victor, towards the kitchen door and Yuuri knew he should go back inside. He decided against it. He felt that if Yuri did see him, he would only continue to bother Victor.

Yuri moved to leave the bedroom but Victor stopped him. Yuri shot a glare towards Victor before pushing past him. He swung the door open and found – nobody. Victor stepped up behind Yuri and his face shared the same shocked stare. His eyes scanned the room in wonder where Yuuri went.

Yuri turned to Victor. He blinked rapidly as he questioned every assumption he took. “I – I don’t understand…” Yuri stared back into the kitchen then to Victor. “It seemed like you had somebody here.”

Victor’s soul held guilt. Yuri kept his stare as Victor’s head dropped, keeping his gaze to the floor as he said, “I did…”

Yuri’s soul turned into a blaze of anger and Yuuri didn’t understand why he was so mad. He knew Yuri cared for Victor – he truly did – but it blended with his frustration enough that it made Yuri jump to conclusions. Victor glanced up to meet Yuri’s stare which held disappointment as he gritted, “Is winning not good enough for you anymore?”

Victor’s soul jumped as a small crack of emptiness pushed through the disappointment that held its place in his soul. Yuri pushed past Victor who stared agape at him. Victor shot a quick glance into the kitchen – Yuuri’s assumption being that he wondered where Yuuri was – before chasing after Yuri. Yuuri followed behind, wanting to make sure Victor would be okay.

“Yuri!” Victor called and grabbed his arm, stopping the teen from moving. Yuri yanked his arm away with force and glared at Victor. “I didn’t sleep with him if that’s what you’re thinking.”

Yuri let out a harsh laugh. “I know you, Victor. You would never invite someone over that late and not sleep with them,” He snapped and crossed his arms. “You just won your _sixth_ Grand Prix and you’re acting like it’s just another day of practice. You don’t care about your win. You don’t give a shit and that pisses me off, Victor.”

“Yuri –”

“And instead of celebrating and being proud of what you’ve achieved, you went out to find a cheap _fuck._ Do you not care anymore, Victor?” Yuri asked. Victor swallowed hard but was unable to reply. Yuri huffed. “That’s what I thought.”

As Yuri turned to leave, Victor exclaimed, “I didn’t sleep with him.”

Yuri paused and slowly turned. “Don’t fucking lie to me,” He growled.

“I’m not. We didn’t do anything, I just…” Victor bit his lip as he thought. Yuuri wondered how he was going to explain it to Yuri. He knew Victor wouldn’t tell him the truth about last night, but Yuuri could also tell that Victor didn’t want to lie either. “I wanted to have sex with him but he didn’t, so I stopped. We just slept with each other. No sex, just… cuddling, I guess.”

Yuri scowled as he eyed Victor up and down, openly judging him. “Whoever they are, they made a good choice in saying no,” He bit back and Victor looked away. “I hope that will knock some God damn sense into you.”

“It – they did help me with something, but that isn’t your business,” Victor said, keeping his eyes glued to the floor.

Yuri huffed. “So who is it then?” He asked, “A stranger? A fan?”

“He wasn’t a fan,” Victor said. “He told me so.”

Yuri’s eyes continued to hold doubt as he stared. His eyes narrowed as if he was trying to figure out if Victor was hiding anything else. He shook his head to himself as he took a step back and said, “You’ve changed. I don’t know what it is, but the past year you’ve been acting differently.”

Victor swallowed hard then shrugged. “I guess people change.”

There was a moment of silence. “Alright, whatever,” Yuri threw his hands up to admit defeat. “I’m going to tell you this now. If you keep taking advantage of your skill and taking that gold from somebody who actually deserves it and worked hard for it, I’ll tell Yakov it’s time for you to retire. Seriously, Victor. You’re acting like your career is a joke.”

Victor kept his gaze to the floor. Yuri decided he had enough of talking and turned to leave, but paused at the doorway. He turned to face Victor. “I’m trying to help you, Victor,” Victor glanced up. “Don’t waste your final years not caring anymore.” He then left, closing the door behind him.

Yuuri thought that Yuri was interesting. Complicated, but interesting.

Victor sighed heavily and moved to sit on the couch. He hunched over, burying his face in his hands as he took deep, shaky breaths. Yuuri watched him for a moment before turning to walk back into the kitchen. He made himself seen and stepped through the doorway. His eyes landed on Victor’s body still on the couch. Yuuri stepped forward and moved to sit beside him. He didn’t know how to make Victor feel better. He knew Victor wasn’t happy, but he didn’t know if he should try and show comfort or let Victor work it out through words.

“Where did you go?” Victor asked as his hands dropped to his lap before he looked up at Yuuri.

Yuuri didn’t think how he would explain his disappearance. He tried to think of a place he could have hidden and only one place came to mind. “I hid behind the door,” Yuuri answered. “It sounded like he would have bothered you more if he knew I was here.”

Victor started playing with his hands as he said, “He can be a handful at times.”

“He cares about you,” Yuuri said and Victor kept his gaze on his hands. Yuuri shifted closer; their knees touch and Victor's eyes stare at their touching knees. “But he lets his frustration get in the way.”

Victor reached for Yuuri’s hands and gripped the tight as he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. As his eyes opened, his stare drifted to Yuuri as he said, “I disappointed him… again.”

“He’s only disappointed because he cares about you,” Yuuri said with a shake of his head. Yuri’s disappointment was different to the disappointment that had Victor on that bridge. Yuri didn’t expect Victor to skate for the surprises. He wanted Victor to skate for himself – to be proud of his achievement. “He wants you to skate for yourself. He wants you to enjoy what you love.”

Victor stared down, deep in thought. His grasp on Yuuri’s hand tightened and Yuuri returned it. He didn’t know why it was such an automatic response. The action caused Victor to look up again and Yuuri’s mind didn’t catch up when he felt the press of Victor’s lips against his own.

It was a single kiss – short and sweet, lingering for only a moment. Their noses touched as they separated, but neither asked for another. Victor only wished to stay close. His eyes closed while Yuuri’s were wide open, watching Victor’s soul as it beats with life.

“I hope It was okay for me to do that,” Victor whispered before he pulled back to meet Yuuri’s gaze. “I didn’t… I didn’t think about it. And after last night, I hope you don’t think that I’m trying to… to take advantage of your help.”

Yuuri shook his head. “It’s okay,” He said, mostly speaking about the kiss. “And I didn’t think that.”

“Thank you, Yuuri,” Victor’s smile felt warmer – more real.

Yuuri could see there was a change to Victor’s soul. The way it needed to die from the night before to surviving and fighting, it was such a change. His soul was still low and damaged from nearly dying, but the light that tried to fight its way through was the most admirable thing about his soul, and Yuuri still found it hypnotic.

Yuuri hoped that he could keep a positive change to Victor’s soul, especially when the Universe decides to react with its consequence. But Yuuri knows that he will fight it – he doesn’t doubt that.

“So, Yuuri,” Victor spoke as he moved, leaning back. “You know a little about me, but I don’t know a lot about you. If we’re going to live together, I think we should get to know each other.”

“There isn’t much of me to know,” Yuuri said. There was a lie there. There was a lot to Yuuri, but nothing he could tell Victor. He had to appear human to Victor and his human persona wasn’t very thought out.

“I’m sure there is,” Victor smiled. “What is your last name?”

Yuuri didn’t have one. He didn’t have a first name either. For a long time, he was only known as Death. It was what the Universe said his existence was for, and it became a name for his being. He got called the Grim Reaper for a while when humans came up with their own creation of Death. He never enjoyed that name. When they would ask if that was who he was, he would just shrug and say yes.

But some people asked him for his real name. They were the ones who looked at Yuuri and didn’t think he was an immortal being, guided by the Universe. They saw him as a person as he looked like one. They saw him as a human and Yuuri decided after a young Japanese girl asked him for his name, he decided that he would ask her to give him one.

She had always liked the name Yuuri.

The name stuck with him for a long time. He still visits the girl that named him from time to time. She was on her fourth soul now – having been reborn for the fourth time. She still lives in Japan and had gotten married recently, then had triplets with her husband. Yuuri thought for a while that maybe he should have asked her for a last name too.

Yuuri didn’t know what to say, so he said, “I don’t know.”

Victor’s face dropped. “You… don’t know?” He asked and Yuuri nodded. Victor blinked, stunned while his eyes held sorrow. “You don’t have a home and you don’t have a last name?”

“I’ve never had one,” Yuuri said and the longer Victor held sadness in his eyes, the more Yuuri thought that maybe he should have just made one up. He didn’t expect Victor to react so sadly. “It’s okay though. I don’t mind not having a last name.”

Victor shook his head. “No. I can’t have you without a last name,” He said as he stood up. “We’re going to find you a last name!”

Yuuri watched as he left the room and stepped into his bedroom. He returned with the phone in hand as he stared down at the screen. He sat down beside Yuuri and Yuuri eyed the phone curiously. Victor looked as if he was reading a message.

Victor glanced up and met Yuuri’s curious gaze. “I think the last name thing will have to wait for a while,” He said and looked back down at his phone. “I’m leaving today. I didn’t realize I’d be leaving so soon.”

Yuuri glanced between the phone and Victor. “What time?”

“I need to leave in two hours,” Victor said. He then got up to his feet and looked towards Yuuri. “I need to call Yakov. He’s been texting me and I haven’t replied. I need to tell him about you.”

“But I won’t be joining your flight,” Yuuri said.

“I know,” Victor replied, “But he needs to know that you’ll be staying with me.” Yuuri nodded and Victor left the room, stepping into his bedroom with his phone pressed to his ear.

Yuuri waited for a moment before deciding it was too boring waiting. Yuuri got up from his seat and walked into Victor’s bedroom. Victor couldn’t see him now. Yuuri stood by the side, close to the wall so if he needed to, he could move back into the other room without Victor suspecting anything.

“– But I was very tired and I left my phone in the kitchen and forgot about it!” Victor spoke with a slight laugh to his voice, but Yuuri thought it sounded forced.

Yuuri couldn’t hear Yakov’s reply but he could hear the muffled voice through the speaker, yelling loudly towards Victor.

“I’m responsible!” Victor defended. “I did check it in the end, didn’t I?”

Victor paused as Yakov replied. “Uh, no. I haven’t started packing yet.” He said as he looked around the room, eyes scanning the items of clothing left scattered across the floor. “It won’t take me long to do. I’m pretty quick.”

Yakov replied and Victor tensed. He stood frozen on the spot as his hands tightened around his phone - knuckles turning white. Victor swallowed hard as he asked, “What did Yuri say?”

Yakov replied with something that was long and thought out. Victor chewed at his bottom lip as he listened. He huffed a faint laugh as he said, “I can’t say I do still have it,” His lips pressed together. “I just… I feel like I’ve disappointed you.”

He moved to sit down on the bed, continuing to chew on his lip. “I’m disappointed in myself then. It’s just that I…” He paused. “I… I couldn’t live up to my name.”

Yakov spoke and Victor shrugged, not convinced by what Yakov had said. “I guess.”

Victor then let out a faint laugh. “Yuri is never a fan of people,” He said. “And he wasn’t a fan. He was… He just helped me out last night. If Yuri said I slept with him then I can assure you that we didn’t. Sure, I like him, but that’s… that isn’t important.”

The color in Victor’s face flushed as he paled. “Uh… N – nothing really. He just – he helped me with something.” Victor paused. “That reminds me. Please don’t get mad but he doesn’t have a home, so he’s going to be living with me.”

The sound of Yakov’s voice became almost clear as he yelled through the phone. Victor pulled the phone back, wincing at Yakov’s loud voice. “– Yakov!” Victor exclaimed. “Look, I’ll sort it all out myself. I’ll find him a job and everything! I just – I wanted to – no, Yakov, he isn’t going to kill me in my sleep.”

Yuuri shook his head to himself. “You always worry,” Victor smiled weakly. He bit his lip as his eyes glaze with tears. “No. No, I’m fine. I’ve just been… I’ve just been a bit low, but I’m fine. I’ll be down soon,” He said, biting back the wobble in his voice as he quickly ended the call.

Yuuri made a move to turn back to the room but he found that Victor didn’t move from his spot. He stayed sat on the bed, his phone held in his hand as he stared at the floor. Yuuri watched him as he dropped his phone to his side. His head fell into his hands and his fingers clench as he choked out a sob. His tears fell down his cheeks and his shoulders jumped with each cry.

Yuuri moved but to the front of the bedroom door instead. He reached for the handle, opening it. Victor didn’t notice his appearance. His hands stayed pressed against his face as he wheezed for breath in between his sobs. Yuuri stepped forward and it wasn’t until Yuuri’s hand reached out to brush his fingers through Victor’s hair that he finally glanced up.

Victor didn’t hesitate as he stepped up to pull Yuuri into an embrace. He wrapped his arms around Yuuri’s waist, pulling him close as he pressed his head into Yuuri’s shoulder and cry. Yuuri’s arms weaved around his neck, one arm pulling him closer as the other ran through Victor’s hair.

“You’ll – you’ll definitely be in Russia?” Victor asked, stuttering through his cries. “Please… I – I really need to see you there.”

Yuuri would never lie about that. “Of course,” Yuuri said. “I’ll be waiting for you outside the airport. You’ll see me, I promise.”

He doesn’t know if Victor believed him or not but when he began to hear Victor’s cries slowly come to a steady sniff, he felt Victor trusted him more than before, and Yuuri felt happy.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I know this chapter is a lot of talk and not a lot of progression in the story. I promise next chapter things will start to get a little more interesting.
> 
> I also got some really lovely comments last chapter and???? thank you??? Really! It makes me so happy seeing such lovely things said about my story! Thank you! <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ( ˘ ³˘)♥

 

Victor almost made everyone late for their flight.

He had finished packing away his things with Yuuri’s help long ago; It was when Yakov came knocking at his door to tell him they were leaving that Victor took his time. His ‘quick’ goodbye to Yuuri was not quick at all.

“You’ll definitely be at the airport?” Victor asked. Yuuri assured him that he would be there. “Are you sure you don’t want to fly with us?” And Yuuri continued to deny the offer. Yuuri wasn’t certain if his reassurance was actually getting through to Victor. After Victor repeated the same question for the eighth time, he ushered Victor out of the hotel and to Yakov and Yuri, who were impatiently waiting for him outside.

As Victor walked outside, Yakov and Yuri held relief in their faces. “Come on, old man,” Yuri complained loudly as he turned and stepped into the cab behind Yakov. He spun around and yelled out, “We have a plane to catch!”

Victor glanced between the cab and Yuuri, hesitating on what he wanted to do first. Yuuri eyed him curiously, wondering what was going through his mind. Eventually, Victor let out a long sigh before he turned to Yuuri. His hands curved around the back of Yuuri’s neck, pulling him in for a soft and lingering kiss.

There was something different about this kiss. It felt desperate as it lingered, as if Victor was savoring the moment. He pulled away, pausing to search through Yuuri’s eyes, almost searching for something to give him the comfort he needed. Yuuri wanted him to be calm. His palm pressed lightly to Victor's chest, resting just over his heart. Yuuri could feel the racing beat against his hand. He was scared. Yuuri didn't want him to be.

“You’ll definitely be there, yes?” Victor murmured, desperate for reassurance. There was a shout from behind that came from Yuri and Yakov but Victor ignored them as he continued his search through Yuuri’s eyes. “You can still join –”

"Victor," Yuuri stopped him. He wanted to trust him and to stop worrying, but he knew there was nothing else he could say that would reassure him. He could only continue to repeat his promise. "I will be there. Trust me."

Victor was still uncertain and Yuuri could see it. He wanted Victor to believe him but there was nothing he could do. There was another yell from behind, Yakov's voice wailing above the noise of life and Yuuri knew it was time. They needed to part. He pulled Victor's hands away from his neck and held them in his own. He wanted his smile to be read as trust and as Victor gave a weak grin in return, Yuuri felt that was enough.

He guided Victor into the cab, sitting beside Yuri who looked the least bit impressed by the wait. Victor opened his mouth to speak, but Yuri leaned over and closed the door before a word could escape. Victor stared at him through the car window. His eyes never left Yuuri’s as the cab pulled out onto the road, and Yuuri waved a goodbye to Victor as the cab drove farther away.

Victor’s soul ached with sorrow and Yuuri could feel it inside his own. It was there – standing outside of a hotel in the middle of France – that Yuuri felt an absence. He hadn’t even been with Victor for more than twelve hours and he felt himself wanting to return to him. Yuuri no longer felt like an absent spirit living alongside Victor in a realm he could not see. He was living and existing alongside him, finally being able to touch and talk to him.

But Yuuri had to wait for now. As Yuuri became nothing more than a chill in the air – a distant memory to some, he lurked under the veil in between reality and the afterlife. His absence left only a mere mark on a soul, who was restless refused to leave. Yuuri had a job to do, and while he waited for Victor to land in Russia, he had a soul to see.

 

* * *

 

Children often cry when they come to realize what had happened to them. Yuuri preferred it when children didn’t see what had happened.

He was watching over a young German girl who was to die that day. Her fate was to chase after the ball her sister threw that’ll bounce across the road. The man in the car’s fate was to drive down that road at the same time, searching for his phone as his boss was calling him.

If the man hadn’t hit the snooze button on his alarm, he would have crossed that road earlier than he had done. If the girl’s sister didn’t get annoyed with her because she was good at playing catch, her sister wouldn’t have thrown it harder and she would have caught it. If the girl had learned to listen from a young age and remembered her mother’s words to look before crossing the road, she would have lived on until her next possible death, at the age of thirty-one, and not seven.

The series of events that happened that day could have determined the girls’ life. And yet, regardless of how unlikely it seemed that she could have survived, her fate was not like Victor’s. The Universe held no control over her death that day. It would be pleased with any outcome, and for some strange reason, Yuuri felt himself grind his teeth at the thought.

The girl didn’t realize she had died. As the car hit her, her spirit continued to chase the ball that disappeared from her view. She looked for it but instead, she caught the eyes of Yuuri. He was staring, but not at the girl. He watched her family behind her, crowding around her body. She wouldn’t hear her family’s cries. Her soul was too young – too weak to hold onto existence completely and while her soul continued to be present on Earth, she would only be able to see what was happening around her. She would never hear another human voice until she moved on.

The girl eyed Yuuri curiously. “Who are you?” She asked, still completely unaware of her family. “I’ve never seen you around before.”

Yuuri wanted to let the girl know that she would be okay in his care. He wanted her to move on, and as he gave the girl a kind smile she returned it. “My name is Yuuri,” He said as he stepped closer.

“That’s a funny name,” The girl said with a light laugh. “That’s not German.”

 “It isn’t,” He replied. His eyes glanced up to her family. Her father was on the phone as her sister and mother cried. He looked back at her, holding his smile. “It’s a Japanese name.”

“You’re far away from home,” The girl said. “What are you doing in Germany?”

Yuuri moved down to his knees, getting to the girls’ level. Her ignorance was bliss and Yuuri thought that he could he could help her move on without her knowing she died. It would avoid the tears. “I’m here to see you,” Yuuri spoke and it startled her. Her wide eyes stared at him and as her head flinched to turn to her parents, Yuuri quickly said, “It’s a very special day for you.”

He didn’t want her to turn around. He wanted to keep her ignorant of her death. She didn’t need to see the state her family were in. The girl kept her gaze onto Yuuri and smiled widely, excited to know why the day was special. “Does this make me special?”

Yuuri nodded, “It does.” He held out his hand and she took it. Yuuri stood up and said, “You can see your grandmother again. Would you like to see her?”

The girls’ eyes landed behind Yuuri, towards a bright light. The light known by humans didn’t exist. The girl wouldn’t step into it and find herself in a realm like Heaven. The light was only a hallucination to her soul – one which Yuuri caused. It was his way to distract the dead from life and to encourage them to move on. Once the girl walks into the light, she would become separated from her soul. Her spiritual body would become adrift as her soul would leave to rest. And once her soul has fully rested, it would come back to live another life, born in a new body.

What she saw was a trick to her soul and Yuuri let her see her grandmother. Yuuri let her find peace, letting her think she wouldn’t be alone when she leaves. Yuuri guided her towards the light and as she got closer, her hand let go of Yuuri’s as she raced towards the light. And in an instant, she became no more – only a soul at rest.

As Yuuri turned to her family, he only wished them peace during their grieving. There was nothing that could be done now her soul had left.

Yuuri moved onto a new soul, and another, and another, helping them move on and find peace. While he helped them, he couldn’t stop himself from feeling irritated. He thinks it’s irritation. He couldn’t stop thinking about the Universe and Victor’s fate. Every soul that he helped that had a chance to live, he felt a strange disliking towards them. He wanted to know why Victor _had_ to die. He couldn’t understand why the Universe would demand it. He felt it was unfair.

He tried to see it in the Universes view, but he still couldn’t work it out. Yuuri couldn’t see any change Victor’s death would have had on the world, so he couldn’t stop wondering why the Universe decided his fate was to die. Usually, those who had to die influenced the world in some way, but Victor’s death didn’t. He wondered if it was a random pick, but the Universe was never random. It was never spontaneous. Every life, every soul, it planned to the finest detail.

Yuuri understood the Universe better than anyone or anything, but its plan for Victor was something Yuuri couldn’t understand. While he continued to question it, Victor had landed in Russia and it was time for Yuuri to return.

 

* * *

 

Yuuri didn’t know where was a good place to wait. He wanted to be seen as soon as Victor exited the plane, but that would lead to questions of how he got that far into the airport. Yuuri chose to wait by the exit so when Victor would walk over, he would see Yuuri waiting for him.

It wasn’t often that Yuuri found himself in a place surrounded by so many souls. He often avoided them. Yuuri admired many souls that walked past but Yuuri was in search for just one. He caught a few flickering souls walking by him and Yuuri could see their deaths. A few dying souls at an airport was nothing he worried about. It was when he saw multiple that he knew he would be busy.

Yuuri caught the sight of a dim soul coming closer and Yuuri recognized it. Victor’s soul stood out to him the most compared to the multiple bright ones around him. Not all were bright. Some were like Victor’s while others faded from light to dark. Not all souls were the same, but some were similar in a way. Victor’s was similar to a few, but his was unique to Yuuri.

Yuuri couldn’t see Victor yet. Hee watched his soul, staring it as it came closer. Yuuri then caught his platinum hair coming into view with Yakov and Yuri behind. Victor’s eyes were scanning the crowds, looking for Yuuri. Yuuri watched him as he searched, moving amongst the crowds as Victor's eyes darted around the area. He was ignoring Yakov’s yells and Yuri’s complaints. Yuuri walked further inside, drawing closer until eventually, Victor’s eyes landed on him.

As their eyes locked, Victor came to a sudden stop. His face softened as his shoulders dropped, relief sweeping over him. Yuuri smiled warmly as he raised his hand, waving at Victor. He stared back in awe. Yuri came up behind him, visibly annoyed that Victor was ignoring him. Yuri looked over where Victor was staring at and when he caught the sight of Yuuri, his mouth dropped open, just as surprised as Victor was.

Victor moved in fast easy strides, weaving through the crowds of people and avoiding bumping into anyone. His gaze never left Yuuri. As Victor was only a few steps away from Yuuri, he dropped his suitcase to the ground, hitting the ground with a soft _thud_ as he opened his arms. Yuuri didn’t hesitate to go into them.

The embrace was a simple gesture but it held more than just desire. It held affection and the desperate need of touch. Victor tugged Yuuri closer as his hands grasped at Yuuri’s shirt, finding room to be close. Yuuri knew Victor wanted to feel the same gesture returned and as Yuuri made the impulsive decision to press his lips to Victor’s hair, Victor pressed his face against Yuuri’s neck, breathing him in.

“You’re… You’re actually here,” Victor sighed. Yuuri struggled to hear over the volume of life but in their embrace, they heard nothing but each other “I… I really was scared that you – you wouldn’t be here. I –”

“I made a promise,” Yuuri spoke back, silencing Victor. “I told you I would be here. I hope you can trust me.”

Victor pulled back and as his eyes met with Yuuri’s, they searched for something. Then, a smile stretched across Victor’s lips as he nodded and said, “I trust you.”

Yuuri felt a sense of relief knowing he had Victor’s trust. He knew now if there was something he couldn’t explain to Victor – something that was part of who he truly was, he could ask for Victor’s trust. He could ask for him to understand when there is something he cannot explain.

“So, you’re the other Yuri, yes?” Yakov’s voice came from nowhere. Yuuri glanced up, seeing the two had caught up with Victor. He and Victor separated from their embrace and as Yuuri faced Yakov, he took a glance at his soul. It was an old soul – on its eighth try at life. “You’ll be staying with Vitya?”

“Yes, I will be,” Yuuri nodded.

He tried to get a read on Yakov’s soul, but he kept it guarded. When humans kept their souls closed away, hidden behind a veil of discretion, Yuuri found them hard to read, but he could still see the most basics of their soul. Yakov’s had care rest against his, much like Yuri’s soul.

“Just know this isn’t an easy escape from reality,” Yakov warned, raising his finger. “You will have to find a job and support yourself in some way. Don’t take advantage of Vitya’s wealth.”

Yuuri shook his head. He could never do such a thing. He refused to let Victor buy him a plane ticket, so Yakov’s warning surprised him. He assumed Yakov was just making sure but Yuuri was certain he had already proved he wouldn’t take advantage of Victor’s wealth.

Yuuri glanced towards Yuri. The teen kept his gaze to the floor, refusing to meet Yuuri’s stare. Yuri wasn’t pleased about something and Yuuri wanted to know why. Yuuri wondered if it was about him but then he questioned what it was he did wrong. His reading of Yuri’s soul was enough to give Yuuri a rough idea what Yuri was like, but outside of his basic traits, he was still an interesting mystery.

“I could never.” Yuuri turned back to Yakov. Yakov’s stare lingered for a moment as he was coming to his own judgement on Yuuri. He eventually tore his stare away and Yuuri wondered what his judgement was.

As they left the airport, a group of reporters and photographers swarmed around Victor and Yuri, each talking and yelling at them in Russian – one of the many languages Yuuri knew well. Yakov waved the reporters away, telling them that the two skaters would do interviews later. During the commotion, Yuuri found himself keeping close to Victor.

Eventually, the reporters were pushed away as Yuri, Yakov and Victor dropped their suitcases in the cab before they stepped in. The cab drove off as Yakov explained to the driver where to go. It would be Yakov’s home first with Yuri, who Yuuri discovered stayed with Yakov while he trained in Saint Petersburg. Then Victor’s place with Yuuri.

The drive was mostly in silence. Yuuri felt Victor shift beside him. Yuuri glanced over as he felt Victor move closer until their knees touched and their arms pressed together. Yuuri glanced up and caught Victor’s eyes on him. Yuuri cocked his head to the side, curious why Victor was staring at him the way he was. Victor gave Yuuri a small smile before Yuuri suddenly felt Victor’s fingers lace between his.

Yuuri stared at their intertwined hands and wondered what it was that Victor wanted from him. While Victor said he didn’t want to be alone – that he wanted Yuuri to be with him and to live with him, Victor’s touches seemed more than just him wanting to be with somebody. For as long as Yuuri watched over him, Victor had never touched anyone as often as he did with Yuuri. He could say those who Victor brought home from the club were touched the same way, but it was always through desperation and want. As Yuuri stared at their held hands, he knew it wasn’t the same. These touches were soft and gentle – lingering.

Yuuri didn’t know what it was that Victor wanted from him. He knew he was helping with his loneliness, but Yuuri began to wonder if he was there for more.

Yuri continued to keep his eyes away from Yuuri, even when he and Yakov said their goodbyes as the cab pulled up to Yakov’s home. Yuuri made a mental note to himself to figure out why Yuri seemed reluctant to look at him once they made it to Victor’s. Yakov seemed to have warmed up to Yuuri but Yuuri wasn’t certain. Yakov was much harder to read.

“Don’t forget you have practice tomorrow morning. Seven AM, sharp.” Yakov told Victor who wasn’t listening. His interest was more on his phone. “I expect to see you there on time.”

The two exited the cab, leaving Victor and Yuuri by themselves. The ride was just as silent as it was with Yuri and Yakov. Yuuri didn’t know what to say or ask Victor, and Victor seemed to be in his own world, staring out the window with unfocused eyes. The ride wasn’t too long, thankfully. It only took them five minutes to get from Yakov’s to Victor’s.

They stepped out of the cab and Victor grabbed his suitcase before they made their way inside. Yuuri knew the home like the back of his hand. He had spent five years visiting Victor’s home and in the five years he had, not once had he been there in anything other than his spiritual form. Being in his physical form – being able to touch and feel everything – felt strange to him. He was never often in that form, and being in it almost all the time felt even stranger.

“And this is my home,” Victor announced as they walked inside. He pulled off his coat, hanging it on the coatrack and said, “It isn’t much, but it’s home.”

Yuuri liked Victor’s home. It was like any other home with walls and rooms, beds and tables, yet it felt so warm. There wasn’t much around the home that screamed ‘Victor lives here’, but there was enough to make Yuuri know it was his. Yuuri stepped around the room, his palm touching the walls and the wood of the doors. His fingers grazed across the furniture, touching at what he can because, for the first time, he could finally feel the home.

“I like it,” Yuuri said as he picked up a book that sat on the end table next to the couch. He flipped through the pages but had no interest in reading it. He glanced up at Victor, noticing something was off about him. He placed the book down. “You still look tired.”

Victor took a deep sigh as he shrugged. “I couldn’t sleep much on the plane,” He paused. “I was… worrying. I couldn’t stop thinking about what you said. It seemed so hard to believe that you’d be here. I thought for a while that you were lying to me.”

“I wouldn’t lie,” Yuuri replied.

“I know that now,” Victor said, nodding. “It just seemed too unbelievable that you’d arrive in Russia before me, and yet, you did. You told me to trust you and I did. It was while I was up there that I felt… unsure.”

Victor stepped forward and sat down on the couch. He let out a loud yawn. “Perhaps you should sleep?” Yuuri suggested but Victor shook his head. Yuuri huffed. “You need to sleep, Victor.”

“I know but it’s nearly nine so I’m going to wait until then. I can get a fill nights rest,” Victor said, staring up at the clock. Yuuri’s face held concern as he stared at Victor, watching him as he turned to Yuuri and tap at the space next to him. “You can make yourself comfortable. You live here now.”

Yuuri felt himself perk up at Victor’s words. He felt a soft and gentle feeling inside, pressing in his chest. Yuuri sat down beside Victor, close enough that their knees touched. Yuuri gave Victor a faint smile, then asked, “Have you eaten?”

“On the plane,” Victor answered.

Yuuri didn’t know what else to ask. He then thought back to last night. “How do you feel now?” He asked. It was nearing twenty-four hours since Victor wanted to take his own life. That time was hardly anything.

“I don’t really know,” Victor’s eyes glazed over and Yuuri feared he made Victor feel worse. Victor then moved forward, wrapping his arms around Yuuri and pulling him close. Yuuri moved mindlessly, finding his hands pressed to Victor’s back. Victor rested his head against Yuuri’s chest as he shifted Yuuri backwards, moving the two to lay down on the couch – Victor resting on Yuuri and their legs tangled together.

Yuuri didn’t know why Victor felt the need to react that way but he didn’t find himself complaining. Victor took a deep breath before he spoke again. “I don’t know how I feel at the moment,” Yuuri stayed silent as he listened. “Everything feels strange. It’s weird thinking back to last night and knowing I was so close to… to dying. I want to figure out how I feel right now, but nothing is making much sense to me.”

Yuuri wondered what part Victor was struggling with the most. He knew Victor was lonely, but he also knew he struggled with more than just his loneliness. There was his career, his inspiration, and the fact that he spent years living up to a name he feels he can’t live up to anymore. Yuuri wanted to help Victor work it out too but he didn't know where to begin himself. “What doesn’t make sense?” He asked because he couldn’t ask anything else.

Victor was silent for a moment as he thought. “A lot, really,” He paused. “There’s something I want to talk to you about. It’s about last night. I think I can work on making sense of that first, then the rest. I want to explain myself.”

Yuuri felt relief that Victor was going to explain himself. He had been wondering what it was Victor wanted from him and while he doesn’t mind not knowing – since Yuuri didn’t think too much about it anyway – he liked that he wouldn’t have to make an assumption anymore. He stayed quiet as he let Victor explain.

“I don’t know how you knew that I needed somebody without knowing me. You’re just this stranger who came over and spoke to me. You didn’t even talk me out of it. You were just… there. And that didn’t make me feel so alone,” Victor breathed in shakily. “I thought I was going to die alone. For a long time, I was convinced I’d die alone. I’ve been thinking about my death for a while now and every time I did, all I saw was me. Nobody else was there, just me. When I walked to that bridge, I was alone. When I stepped up, I was alone. But just as I was about to jump, I suddenly wasn’t alone.”

Yuuri wanted to say that Victor was never alone during his walk, that Yuuri was with him every step he took, but he couldn’t say that. As much as he wanted to, it was something that he wasn’t sure Victor would ever know.

Victor raised his head, wanting to look Yuuri in the eyes. “Do you understand what I’m trying to say?” He asked and if Yuuri was being honest with himself, he didn’t. “You made me feel less alone. You knew I needed somebody without even knowing me and for the first time in a long while, I felt less alone. I know I’m not completely alone. I have Yakov and Yuri, Chris, Mila, and Georgi. But most of them are friendly competition. They’re only here because of my career. You weren’t. You cared about me and not because I’m a living legend. Not because you expected something from me, but because I was somebody who needed help.”

Victor’s eyes changed and they suddenly held guilt. His head dropped back to Yuuri’s chest as he said, “I didn’t originally plan to try and have sex with you. When I stepped down and asked to stay with you, it was because I didn’t want to be alone.”

“But I don’t have a home,” Yuuri said and Victor nodded.

“But you don’t have a home,” He repeated. He glanced up, meeting Yuuri’s gaze. “When I took you back to the hotel, I just kind of…” He paused, trying to think of the right words to say. “Usually when I bring someone back home with me, it’s because I need to feel somebody. That night, you were there and I was desperate to feel something other than the disappointment I felt and I just… I acted selfishly. I didn’t even ask if you were single. I was taking advantage of you helping me.”

“You didn’t take advantage of my help,” Yuuri said as he gently brushed Victor’s fringe away from his eyes. “You said it yourself. You were desperate to feel somebody. You can’t blame yourself for how you feel.”

Victor’s eyes dropped. “I still feel like a horrible person.”

“If it makes you feel any better, I think you’re a kind person.” Victor turned his head, resting his cheek against Yuuri’s chest. “You’ve explained yourself. You feel guilty.”

“I do like you,” Victor admitted and Yuuri felt himself smile. “I like you a lot, but I… I’m not in a right place to ask you to be in a relationship with me. I feel It’ll be unfair to you if I did. But I also don’t want to be alone and not… not feel somebody. Do you get what I mean?”

Yuuri felt like he did so he nodded. He was trying to understand it from Victor’s view but he struggled to understand Victor’s feelings from a human’s view. But he wanted to try. “Perhaps you need to find somewhere in between?” Yuuri suggested.

Victor looked up. “You mean like dating?” Yuuri didn’t know himself what he meant. He was just offering advice. “Or maybe something like friends but with the benefits side toned down. Wait, I think that would be dating.” Victor’s brows creased as he thought hard. Yuuri studied his face up close, and he noticed he had a slight pout on his lips. Victor met his eyes. “Can I ask you something?”

Yuuri nodded, “Yes.”

“I have enough trouble getting up and going to practice some mornings, so I feel like I couldn’t date either. But I want to be able to touch you and be with you. Does that make sense?” Yuuri struggled to understand what Victor was trying to ask. Yuuri’s silence gave Victor an answer and he tried again. “I don’t want us to label anything yet. I want to work out how I feel before I do. I want us to cuddle, kiss and hold hands – that sort of thing. But we don’t go further than that yet. I feel that would complicate things. I’d like to, but not yet. I’m asking if we could do that.”

Yuuri shifted backwards, raising up in his seat a little. “You want to have sex with me?”

“Of course,” Victor said, nodding shamelessly. “Unless you don’t want to? I want to make sure you’ll be satisfied too, so if you don’t want to be with me that’s fine. I just – I just want somebody to be here, even if we don’t act romantically.”

Yuuri thought about his own satisfactions and compared them with Victor’s. Where Victor wanted to have sex with him, Yuuri didn’t know if he could ever feel that desire. Victor wanted to kiss him and touch him, and while Yuuri did enjoy the touches, he wondered if he’d be able to return them as often as Victor gave them.

But Yuuri liked the sound of everything Victor suggested and Yuuri wanted Victor to feel happiness again. If it helped Victor in any way, Yuuri was happy with anything. As he gave Victor a single nod, Victor’s face instantly brightened up, as did his soul.

“That’s – wow, that’s… Yuuri,” Victor stuttered, eyes wide with surprise. “Wow. You’ve done so much for me. You know that, yes?”

Yuuri had done more for Victor than he knew and while some Yuuri could say were good, others were not so good. Yuuri continued to feel the aura of the Universe against his back. It felt heavier than before and Yuuri knew it was waiting to cause a consequence. It was watching Victor – waiting. Yuuri didn’t like it. He could sense its disapproval and the more time Yuuri spent with Victor, the harder it became to ignore it.

Yuuri knew the pressure was to make Yuuri break – to push Victor back to that bridge and have him fulfil his fate. But Yuuri refused. And he knew once the Universe did find its consequence, he would no longer feel it resting on his shoulders. He didn’t mind the weight of it. It was the reminder that Victor was free from its consequence and while he felt that weight, he knew Victor was safe.

Yuuri heard Victor let out a loud yawn and his eyes glanced up at the clock on the wall. It was almost ten PM. “You should sleep,” Yuuri said. He heard Victor mumbling something against his chest but he didn’t understand it. Yuuri moved further up in the chair, causing Victor to sit up with him. “Victor, you should sleep,” Yuuri tried again and Victor finally raised his head, staring at Yuuri with heavy-lidded eyes.

Victor sighed heavily before lifting himself off Yuuri and to his feet. He turned to Yuuri and held out his hand, waiting for him to take it. Yuuri had memories back to the night before and he wondered if Victor was going to do it again. “You’re sleeping with me, yes?” Victor asked. His accent was thick and heavy.

Yuuri nodded and took his hand. Victor guided him to his bedroom, showing him where it was but Yuuri already knew. As they walked inside, Victor stripped off his shirt and trousers, standing only in his boxers. Yuuri didn’t know what to do. He had never had to get ready to sleep before. Victor looked over at him and stared. “Do you sleep in pajamas or…?”

Yuuri didn’t know how to answer. He knew humans had a preference to what they felt comfortable sleeping in but Yuuri never found that out for himself. He felt no shame in showing his body but it didn’t help him come to an answer. He scratched his head as he asked, “What is easier for you?”

“You mean like, in cleaning them?” Victor asked and Yuuri shrugged. “I don’t mind. But nights can get a little cold here.”

Yuuri didn’t feel uncomfortable in the cold so that was no bother. He decided that if Victor slept in his underwear, then he would too. As he pulled off his shirt to throw it at the pile of clothes Victor left, Victor slid under the covers. When Yuuri was down to only his underwear, he did the same and pulled back the sheets, slipping under it and pulling it up to his chin.

His bed was soft and he could feel the warmth of Victor’s body. Yuuri laid down, resting his head on the pillow and he watched as Victor did the same. Victor laid on his side facing Yuuri and he smiled as their eyes met. Victor’s hands moved around Yuuri’s middle and hugged him close.

Yuuri had never let anyone get that close to him and he wondered why Victor was so different. He thought to as many humans as he could think of and none of them had that kind of effect on him. But Yuuri found as he laid with Victor in his arms that he found he didn’t care enough to find an answer because he liked it.

“You know,” Victor mumbled after a while and Yuuri questioned why he was still awake. “I usually sleep naked.”

Yuuri already knew this and he didn’t mind if Victor continued to do so. It was just the human body. It was nothing that made Yuuri feel anything. Yuuri’s fingers stroked through Victor’s hair as he said, “You can sleep nude if you want.”

Victor huffed out a laugh, “Tomorrow, maybe.”

That was the last thing Victor said to Yuuri before his breathing deepened and he relaxed into a peaceful sleep. Yuuri knew that it would be another long night of him waiting for Victor to wake up, but he didn’t mind. He felt comfortable and warm having Victor in his arms.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol who remembers from the first chapter when I said I'll try and upload one chapter weekly? Here's my third update this week!!
> 
> Things progress a little this chapter. Victor's back in Russia for Nationals, he and Yuuri talk (again) and we get a little insight on how Yuuri is when dealing with the dead. It was interesting to write, and there will be more to come in future chapters.
> 
> And as always, thank you so much for reading! Your kind comments and Kudos make me want to write more! Much love! <3


	4. Chapter 4

 

It was half six in the morning when Yuuri remembered Yakov’s words. Victor had practice at seven AM, sharp – and the skater wasn’t awake.

Yuuri debated letting him sleep in. He liked to watch Victor as he slept. The small twitches to his face and the small drop of drool that fell from his lips made Yuuri’s mouth stretch into a smile. There was something comedic about the way Victor slept and Yuuri enjoyed watching him when he did.

Yuuri knew he couldn’t let him sleep in. He thought it was selfish of him to let Victor miss practice because he wanted to watch Victor sleep. It wasn’t the only reason Yuuri needed to wake him. He had a competition in over a week and he needed to train. Yuuri sat up and shook Victor’s arm, trying to wake him up. After his fourth attempt, Victor finally stirred awake and mumbled something into his pillow before opening his heavy eyes.

“Victor,” Yuuri said as he watched Victor slowly wake up. He blinked away the sleep in his eyes as he stared up at Yuuri. “You have practice at seven.”

Victor stretched and his bones clicked. He fell limp against the mattress, closing his eyes as he asked, “What time is it?”

“Half six.”

Yuuri didn’t get enough time to react when Victor suddenly jumped out of bed and raced out of his room. Yuuri stared at his soul, watching it as it moved from one end of the home to another. Yuuri didn’t understand his rush. He had plenty of time to make it to the rink. It was only a five-minute walk from Victor’s home.

Victor came back into his room and searched through his wardrobe and drawers. He huffed to himself as he shook his head before turning to his suitcase, unzipping it as he said to Yuuri, “I should have done the laundry last night.”

Yuuri shifted to the side of the bed as Victor pulled out a few items of clothes. “I can do it for you?” He suggested. Victor paused his searching to glance up at Yuuri. “I can do the laundry while you’re gone.”

“I – Thank you,” Victor smiled. He seemed genuinely happy. Yuuri knew that he liked making Victor happy because his soul would brighten. It would only be a small light compared to how dim his soul still was, but even the littlest light stood out against the darkness.

As Victor was ready to leave, he dragged Yuuri to the front door to say his quick goodbyes. “If you need anything to eat, just go through the kitchen. You can wear my clothes if you want. I’ll have to find time to buy you some new one and…” He paused, thinking of what he might have forgotten. “And just make yourself at home. My home is now yours too. Don’t be afraid to say this is your home.”

Yuuri smiled, “I won’t.”

Victor returned the grin. He gave Yuuri a quick kiss before turning and closing the door, leaving Yuuri alone in a home he knew so well. He stared at the four walls that surrounded him and he had no idea what to do. He never had a home before. He didn’t even have an idea on what he should do now he was alone. It wasn’t until he felt the cool breeze from the door that he decided clothes was a good place to begin with.

He felt strange searching through Victor’s wardrobe. He had seen it multiple times before but he’s never looked through it himself. He never felt the soft material of Victor’s shirts or smelled the scent of Victor on his own clothes. Yuuri pulled a shirt off its hanger and as he stared down at it, he mindlessly raised the shirt up to his nose, breathing in the scent. It smelled like Victor. There was his brand of cologne Yuuri began to recognize, mingling with the aroma of cinnamon and freshly cleaned laundry.

Yuuri put on the shirt and a pair of jeans he found that fit him. The feeling of the clean material against his skin felt soft and smooth, different to the clothes he wore every day. He then moved to the living room. He sat down on the couch, hands resting on his lap as his eyes scanned around the room.

“Well, Yuuri,” He said to himself. “You’re really trying to pretend to be a human, huh?” He breathed out a single laugh. It was so farfetched what he was doing and yet, there he was – an immortal being who was slightly younger than the Universe itself – sitting in a small home in Russia, pretending to be a human.

Death himself was pretending to be human.

Yuuri would have laughed if he didn’t sense a spirit nearby. Their soul was roaming around Victor’s home. It was a kind soul, who was happy and full of life. Yuuri knew who it was. He’s seen them before and they refused to move on.

A fluffy poodle appeared before him. Her eyes fixed onto Yuuri, trying to figure something out about him but it wasn’t working for her. Yuuri stared back at the dog, head tilted to the side as he waited for the companion to decide if she trusted Yuuri. When the dog figured it out, she let out a loud  _boof_ before she leaped towards Yuuri, pushing her body into his. Her tailed wagged side to side as she covered Yuuri’s face with slobber. Yuuri tried to pull the dog away to show her some love. He didn’t want to feel her sandpaper tongue against his face.

She settled down and allowed Yuuri to stroke at her fur in peace. The dog was Makkachin, Victor’s companion who he lost to old age a few months ago. Yuuri knew her death was coming but a soul dying from old age was something he cannot change. He didn’t have that choice. Yuuri remembered the day she died. He had seen Victor at his lowest, but grief struck his soul that day and it stayed to this day.

What Victor didn’t know was that even in death, his companion never left his side. Yuuri tried to help her move on but her soul refused to leave Victor’s. It wasn’t the first time Yuuri couldn’t get a soul to move on and he was certain it wasn’t the last. Unlike a human’s soul, animal’s souls were less cooperative with Yuuri. Some were very attached to their owners and preferred to stay with then a little while longer while others loved their owners truly but their soul knew they had to move on. Makkachin was more than just attached to Victor. She stayed because she too knew how lonely Victor was. She knew from the nights he cried into her fur or the days where he’d come home from practice with nothing but frustration on his face.

Makkachin didn’t leave Victor’s side in life, nor in death.

As Yuuri’s eyes landed to her soul, he saw a change. He saw that she was almost ready to move on – almost. Yuuri wondered what caused that change. As he sat there, trying to figure out what could have done it, Makkachin had left with the want to return to Victor’s side. She would now be at the rink with him, by his side like she had been for years.

With Makkachin gone, Yuuri didn’t know what to do to distract himself and felt that he should start helping Victor out. He had said he would do Victor’s laundry and he intended to keep his promise. When he picked up Victor’s suitcase full of worn clothes, he also decided that he’d clean up Victor’s home too. It would look as if he did something more than just laundry before he’d leave to tend to the spirit world. He felt he was behind in helping some people and he wanted to keep up with it.

The laundry didn’t have a good start. He didn’t know how much detergent he needed so he decided to use at least half the box – just to be on the safe side. Then Yuuri couldn’t figure out how to use the washer and after randomly pressing a few buttons, he heard a click and the sound of water running and thought it was close enough.

As he walked around Victor’s home to clean it, moving things back where they belonged and figuring out what certain cleaning products were good at doing and what others were used for, he came to a stop when he saw the laundry room overflowing with bubbles. Something about the possibility of not knowing how to stop the washer and having to walk through the room of bubbles made Yuuri decide that it wasn’t worth dealing with just yet. He let the washer do its thing as he closed the door and pretended the problem wasn’t there until he was finished with cleaning the apartment.

When he heard the click and beep of the washer finishing its programme, Yuuri knew he needed to face the bubbles. He took off Victor’s shirt and jeans so he didn’t ruin them or get them wet and kept them out of the way. He grabbed a mop and bucket because he remembered Victor using it to clean up water spills and Yuuri assumed that this was the same. He could see a puddle of water slowly growing from the crack below the door.

As Yuuri opened the door, the room was full even higher with bubbles. Yuuri stared at it like a competitor, and Yuuri was going to win. He threw the mop against the bubbles, popping them as he did. He kept this up until the end of the mop landed to the floor with a loud  _flop_ as water splashed everywhere. Yuuri’s legs were wet but he decided it didn’t matter because he needed to clean the room. He stepped further inside with the mop bucket in hand. He tried cleaning up the floor but the bubbles were causing puddles to return and Yuuri felt like he was in a never-ending cycle. Yet he was determined to beat it.

“…Yuuri?”

Yuuri spun at the sound of his name. At the door, Victor stood staring wide-eyed at the room. His eyes scanned the area, seeing bubbles on the walls, floor, and all over Yuuri. Yuuri didn’t know how else to explain himself, so instead, he blamed it on the washer. He cleared his throat, pointed at the washer, and said, “This thing is problematic and I think you should get rid of it.”

There was a moment of silence – just one, before Victor’s laugh echoed throughout the room. It was light and reached his eyes as one hand fell to his stomach and the other to his mouth. Yuuri gave him a blank stare, startled that he was neither mad nor upset but the fact that Yuuri completely messed up his laundry room.

“Y – Yuuri, I – What…? How?” He snorted through a laugh, nose scrunching and teeth showing. “Yuuri, how – how did you manage this?”

Yuuri scratched his head, thinking of a good place to start. As he stared at the bubbles that surrounded him, he decided that he was already too deep in this to get out with a simple lie. “I didn’t know how much soap to use.”

Victor laughed louder. “Did you use the whole box?!”

“Not the whole box,” Yuuri turned to stare at the detergent box that sat on the shelf above the washer. “Maybe half, but not the whole thing.”

Victors laughter came to light giggles as turned around and left Yuuri alone in the bubbly laundry room. Yuuri stared around himself, unsure how he was going to clean it all up. Victor then came walking back without his shoes and coat on, held out his hand and said, “Pass me that mop. I’ll help you clean it.”

Yuuri handed it over and the two started to clean. Yuuri followed Victor’s instructions instead of his own because he figured between the two of them, Victor knew how to clean up better than he did. Victor eventually asked him why he was still in his underwear and Yuuri explained that he didn’t want to get Victor’s clothes wet. Victor’s face held a sheepish smile as he mopped up the floor.

Victor salvaged his clothes from the washer and found that Yuuri had shoved everything in one wash – darks, whites and colors. The only thing that got ruined was Victor’s red and white Olympic jacket, where the red had bled into the white. Yuuri didn’t like how he felt as he saw Victor looking over the ruined jacket and felt the desperate need to apologize.

“I’m sorry,” Yuuri said, head bowed. “I didn’t mean to ruin your jacket.”

Yuuri felt Victor’s wet palm cup his cheek, lifting his head to meet Victor’s eyes. He had a faint smile on his lips but his soul told Yuuri he was upset. “It’s okay,” Victor said and Yuuri didn’t believe him. “I can take this to the dry cleaners. I’m sure they can fix it.”

Victor moved the rest of his clothes into the dryer and hung up his jacket to air dry. When they finished cleaning the room the best they could, Victor said the only thing they could do was to wait for the room to dry before declaring that he was hungry.

Yuuri quickly changed back into his –  _Victor’s_ clothes once he dried and sat at the dining table, watching Victor as he grabbed what he needed to cook for himself. He turned to Yuuri with a hand full of ingredients and asked, “I’m making some for you too, yes?”

Yuuri shook his head. “No, I’m not hungry.”

Victor paused as his eyes held suspicion. Yuuri wanted to turn away from his stare but something told him that if he did, he would give Victor more reason to suspect him. Victor placed the ingredients on the counter as he said, “You haven’t eaten anything today, have you?”

Yuuri didn’t want to lie but he couldn’t tell Victor that he doesn’t need to eat. He can eat, but it does nothing to satisfy any hunger or give him any energy. Food was bland and tasteless to him, so he made no effort in eating or trying anything. Yuuri responded with the shake of his head and Victor sighed heavily.

“Yuuri,” He paused, moving to sit beside Yuuri. His hand reached out for Yuuri’s, lacing their fingers together. “This is your home. If you’re hungry, you can eat whatever you want. If you’re tired, you can go to sleep when you want. You don’t need my permission to do so, yes?”

“This is all new to me,” Yuuri mindlessly said, not realizing he even spoke until he saw Victor recoil backwards, eyes wide and startled.

“You mean living in a home?”

“I mean everything,” Yuuri found himself unable to stop. “I’ve never had a home before. I’ve never been touched this way or kissed or… I’ve never been with somebody this long before. It’s all new to me and I don’t know if I’m doing anything right.”

Victor’s hands squeezed Yuuri’s as if the small action would reassure him. It didn’t. Yuuri felt no different to how he felt before, but the thought behind Victor thinking it would help him ease his mind. He felt himself relax as his mind settled.

“You’re doing fine so far,” Victor said with a smile. “If you’re ever not sure, ask me. We can go at your pace if you want?”

Yuuri wondered what he meant by Yuuri’s pace. Did he mean living with Victor, or was it all of the touches? Yuuri liked the pace they were going with that. His mind then repeated Victor’s words, and Yuuri thought this was a good time to ask.

“What do you mean by my pace?”

“Everything. Living with me, sleeping in the same bed, this –” Victor raised their intertwined hands. “I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable here. Your needs are just as important as mine. If there’s ever anything you’re unsure about, just tell me. And if I go too far or… I do something you’re not comfortable with, please, tell me. Tell me to stop like when we met, and I will stop.”

“I like it,” Yuuri said and he meant it. He liked the touches and the kisses. He liked being with Victor and living with him. There was something about it that made his warm feeling stay and his insides flutter. “I just don’t know if I’m doing it right.”

Victor’s hand moved and rested below his ear, his thumb caressing his cheek as their breaths mingled. Victor leaned in close, his lips coming close to Yuuri’s ear. He could feel Victor’s warm breath tickle at his skin as he heard Victor whisper, “You’re doing perfectly.”

Victor pulled back and this time it was Yuuri who moved in first. As they kissed, the world fell away. Their lips touching was soft and gentle – slow. As they kissed, Yuuri wanted to touch him. He wanted to feel Victor. Not in a sexual way, but he wanted to memorize Victor – his curves and his warmth.

Yuuri touched him. His hands ran over his arms, down his chest, venturing over the curves of his waist as their mouths opened to their kisses. Yuuri wanted to explore these new feelings and experiment with the unknown. He wondered if he adventured into what was unknown to him for so long that he might finally figure out what it was that he’d been feeling. But he also liked trying something new, and this was completely new.

When they pulled apart, Victor took a shaky, shallow breath. Yuuri opened his eyes as Victors did too and during the moment where they met, Yuuri saw not his soul brighten, but his eyes.

Yuuri didn’t know how to react. While his soul stayed low, his eyes shone a little brighter. Victor’s soul still held his emptiness, his disappointment and everything that made Victor walk to that bridge, but his eyes held light. They held something unreadable to Yuuri – something he couldn’t find in Victor’s soul.

It made Yuuri confused. Victor’s soul didn’t brighten through Yuuri’s actions, but his eyes did. Yuuri didn’t know how to react and instead, he found himself asking, “How was practice?” He needed to distract himself from his own thought.

Victor swallowed hard. “I’ve had better.” Yuuri’s hand instinctively reached up and he copied Victor’s action from before – palm cupping his cheek and thumb caressing his cheek. He moved in with the touch and Yuuri made a note to do that in the future too. Victor let out a long sigh, “Nothing went bad. Not really, but being back at the rink practising for another competition… I’m scared of the outcome.”

“During the competition?” Yuuri asked, dropping his hand to rest on top of Victor’s.

He nodded. “I disappointed so many people during the Grand Prix. I don’t want to disappoint them again.”

Yuuri didn’t know how he could help Victor. He wanted to tell Victor that he’d be okay, but he couldn’t because he wasn’t certain himself. He had confidence that Victor’s skating was still amazing enough to win gold, but it did nothing to help him with his inspiration or his desperate need to surprise people.

Yuuri wanted to give him a solution, but he had nothing. Instead, he wanted to know what Victor would do if he failed, and asked, “What would you do if you did?”

Victor stared at him and Yuuri saw his eyes glaze over. He hesitated to respond, mouth opening and closing, before he said, “I… I don’t know.” He took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment. “I can’t say I’d be fine, because I know I wouldn’t. But if you’re asking if I’d want to do the same thing that I tried in France, then I can’t promise you anything if I say I wouldn’t.”

Victor soul was still dim and Yuuri expected that answer. Yuuri wanted to know why Victor’s soul didn’t improve. He thought he was helping Victor and Victor had said Yuuri helped him with his loneliness. Yuuri had helped him in some way, but his soul didn’t improve. His soul continued to hold loneliness – to hold the sorrow and hatred towards himself and his skating.

“I’m sorry I haven’t helped you,” Yuuri found himself saying. He didn’t know that the feeling was that made him want to apologize – that made him feel responsible for his soul to continue to stay low, so he chose to trust his instinct to apologize.

Victor shook his head. “Don’t say that, Yuuri. You have helped me.” Yuuri stared at his soul with disbelief. “I just… I won’t suddenly feel better. It’ll take time, I know that, but I want you to know that too. I want you to understand that even if I have bad days, or if I seem like I’ve made no improvement from France, I want you to remind yourself that you stopped me. You helped me feel less alone and while I feel unsure about my future, I feel a little better knowing you’d be there. I don’t know how long you’ll hang around for, but I’ll cherish our time together.”

“I don’t want to leave.”

Victor tried to bite back his smile but it forced its way through as a tear slipped down his cheek. “Thank you, Yuuri.”

Victor took a deep breath as he wiped away the tear that fell down his cheek. The growl in his stomach reminded him that he wanted food and he got up to his feet to cook something. Yuuri offered to help but Victor said after the laundry incident, he’ll teach Yuuri how to use things first before leaving him responsible for anything that could burn his house down.

As Yuuri sat and watched Victor’s soul as he cooked, he thought about Victor’s words. Yuuri wanted to bring light back to his soul but as Victor said, it would take time, and Yuuri had all the time in the world to help Victor’s soul

 

* * *

 

As the days drew closer to Nationals, Victor became a lot touchier. He would come home from practice, some days with a story to tell of what the other skaters did or said; others he would want to not talk about it.

On the days where he didn’t want to talk about it was the days he felt he couldn’t see a way out of ‘his slump’, as he started to call it. On those days, Victor would feel as if he would never get his inspiration back, that he’ll never be able to skate the way he did before. When Victor felt like that, he would find comfort in lying with Yuuri either on the couch or in his bed –  _their_  bed, Victor would correct Yuuri – and find comfort in being able to touch somebody.

Yuuri found he was a help in one way because now Victor wasn’t coming home to no one. If Victor had a difficult day at the rink, he wouldn’t come home to feel his loneliness eat away at his soul. He’s now coming home to somebody who he found comfort being around and while his soul didn’t improve – and some days Yuuri feared the flickering would return – Yuuri saw that his loneliness was recoiling. It was being pushed back, hidden away by his disappointment.

While one emotion was slowly leaving, another was taking over, and neither were good.

When Victor had a good day, Yuuri would know from the spark of life in his eyes. Victor would come home with a small smile to his face and would want to kiss Yuuri softly, without desperation. Yuuri enjoyed the soft kisses he’d feel over his cheek and lips. Yuuri liked it when Victor had a good day because Victor felt alive those days.

But as the competition drew closer – and Victor’s birthday was soon – Victor began to question himself. Yuuri noticed this a few days before they had to leave again. They were sat on the couch, watching some Russian show Victor liked to watch. Yuuri noticed he would glance over every so often, his stare lingering before he turned away.

When Yuuri caught him, he swallowed hard but turned away. Yuuri huffed. “Victor,” He said and as Victor glanced at him, Yuuri realized he didn’t know how he would address Victor’s actions. “Are you… W – Where is Nationals?” He stuttered through his question and wondered why that was what he was asking.

“Chelyabinsk.”

Yuuri nodded. Victor turned back to his show and Yuuri wasn’t having it. “How are you feeling?” Victor shrugged and stayed silent. “Victor.”

“ _Yuuri_.” He almost snapped back.

He was getting irritated and Yuuri was too. Yuuri bit back his huff and shifted in his seat to face Victor. Victor turned, eyeing Yuuri with furrowed brows and a heavy glare. His soul held fear and Yuuri wanted to know what it was Victor was scared about. “What’s wrong?” He tried asking first. Victor continued to stare, staying silent. Yuuri tried again. “You don’t have to tell me what’s wrong but –”

“– You’re right, I don’t.”

Yuuri found it increasingly harder to deal with Victor at that moment. He was being the least bit cooperative. Yuuri had dealt with spirits who were worse than this and Yuuri felt confident enough that he’d find a way to get Victor to talk. Yuuri sighed before he continued. “ _But,_ something is bothering you and I want to try and help you.”

Victor kept his arms crossed as his face held a pout, like a child who got told he couldn’t have candy. He turned his gaze to the floor, almost as if he wanted to pretend Yuuri wasn’t there. Yuuri was about to try again when he heard Victor’s quiet voice say, “I’m scared.”

Yuuri almost didn’t hear him. He paused to confirm to himself that Victor did, in fact, say that he was scared. Yuuri shifted closer to him and asked, “Scared of what?”

Victor met Yuuri’s gaze for only a second before turning away. He couldn’t make eye contact with Yuuri and Yuuri didn’t want that. His hand cupped Victor’s cheek, gently lifting his head. Yuuri searched through his eyes, wanting to see if this was okay. Victor swallowed thickly and as Yuuri’s hand moved to his neck. Victor breathed in a shaky breath as he uttered the words, “Nationals.”

“Are you scared of skating?” Yuuri asked.

Victor shook his head. “Not of skating,” He said, taking a deep breath. “It’s being in front of an audience and not knowing if I disappointed them again until I’ve finished skating. If I proceed through Nationals, it’s then Europeans, then Worlds, and then I’m back at the Grand Prix again. I don’t know what I’ll do.”

“You don’t have any ideas?” Yuuri asked and he could already guess the answer.

“Nothing. I’ve even had Yakov choreograph my exhibition skate. He’s never done that for my routine.” Victor took a deep, shaky breath, but never turned his gaze away from Yuuri. “What if I can never come up with my own routine anymore? After this, what do I do? Everyone is counting on me to surprise them again, and I can’t. I know I can’t.”

Yuuri didn’t know what he could say that would ease Victor’s silent suffering. Yuuri raised his other hand, pressing it against Victor’s neck. His thumbs stroked at the contour of Victor’s jawline before he leaned forward, touching his forehead to Victor’s. Yuuri breathed him in, recognising his scent from his shirt that Yuuri wore.

Above a whisper, Victor spoke. “ _Yuuri_.”

“I don’t know what I can say to give you the answers you need,” Yuuri found himself saying. He paused, thinking what to say next. “But if you can’t figure out how to surprise your audience again, remind yourself that you’ve done yourself proud. And everyone around you feels that way too.”

“Who can be proud of that skate I did?” Victor said, referring to the Grand Prix. “I’m not proud of it. It was disappointing and everyone felt that way too.”

“I first saw you skate when you were twenty-two.” Yuuri mindlessly said and he was taken back by his own words, as was Victor, who shifted back to look Yuuri in the eye. “Back then, I thought you were so beautiful. When you skated, you put so much heart into it that I could see your soul. All souls are beautiful, but yours was captivating, and it still is.”

Victor’s brows stayed close as his stare lingered. “What are you trying to say?”

“For me, it doesn’t matter if you missed all your jumps and forgot your routine,” Yuuri’s hand lowered to rest against his heart and Yuuri could feel the rhythmic beat against his palm. “Because you would still be captivating.”

Victor stayed still as he blinked hard, disbelief rushing through his face. He stared at Yuuri and Yuuri couldn’t tell what he was feeling. His eyes held comfort while his expression seemed doubtful. As Yuuri’s fingers moved behind his neck to touch the tip of Victor’s hair, his face softened. Victor moved close, pressing a kiss to Yuuri’s lips – slow and sweet, lingering as it blurred into another.

Victor pulled back for a moment, taking a breath as he spoke in a hushed tone, “Thank you, Yuuri.”

Yuuri didn’t know if his words were any help to Victor. He knew they helped him feel better because Victor wouldn’t kiss him if he didn’t. He didn’t know if it helped Victor find an answer to his questions and while Yuuri couldn’t help him with that either, he wanted to be sure that Victor would find some comfort, whether it’s through words, touches, or helping him come to an answer. As long as Victor’s soul began to brighten, Yuuri would feel proud of himself.

 

* * *

 

 

“Have you ever lost anyone before?” The old man asked Yuuri.

Yuuri’s mind went to Victor. He hadn’t lost Victor, but he nearly had that night in France. Yuuri stared at the old man as he shook his head. “I can’t say I have.”

The old man had taken an interest in Yuuri. It was often that spirits found Yuuri interesting but sometimes, Yuuri wished his other spiritual form would take over instead. That form only assisted spirits who were easy to move on and tended to those when Yuuri couldn’t. That other form didn’t speak, only guide.

He didn’t mind speaking to the dead. While their questions did interest him, recently, he began to think more about the questions and what they meant.

The old man held pity in his eyes. He reached out, gripping Yuuri’s arm and squeezed it with reassurance as he said, “I think it’s time you meet people, son.”

Yuuri blinked at his use of the word ‘son’. Yuuri was nobody’s child. He wasn’t a son, nor a daughter. He was neither but a being that preferred looking masculine and being referenced as a man. He couldn’t understand why the old man would want Yuuri to meet people. It would only lead to him outliving them before he would move onto a new set of friends. Yuuri didn’t need friends.

But then he asked himself why he was with Victor if he thought this and he couldn’t answer that. He couldn’t answer a lot of things lately.

“I have met somebody,” Yuuri told the old man, who gave Yuuri a pleased smile. “He’s very special to me.”

“Then I hope you know it’ll hurt when he dies,” The old man said, letting go of Yuuri’s arm. Yuuri’s brows twitched as he thought the urge to show a reaction. “It’s great meeting people. People are unique, but it hurts when they die. You just have to remember that without them, you wouldn’t be who you are now. Meet people who will make you a better person.”

Yuuri didn’t know if the old man knew he was Death. He wasn’t certain if the old man knew he had even died in the first place. He might have been delirious. Yuuri knew from past experience with humans in their old age that even in death, they could be confused. But regardless, Yuuri still thought about his words.

Yuuri wondered if Victor was making him into a better person. Victor was a kind person, but Yuuri couldn’t say he would become like Victor was. While he had begun to feel new experiences and emotions, he couldn’t see himself changing in any other way. He wasn’t human and a drastic change like that would take centuries.

But Victor had made him feel something new and Yuuri wondered if that was what the old man was suggesting.

“I will try,” Yuuri said, returning the smile to the old man. Yuuri gestured at the old man to follow him and the man walked alongside Yuuri. “He is a good person. He’s made me feel things I’ve never felt before.”

“My wife is the same,” The old man smiled sheepishly to himself. “When we met, I felt like our souls connected. I had never felt anything like it before. She is everything to me, and I love her truly.”

Yuuri admired humans believing souls could be a pair. Souls never came in a pair. Yuuri thought it removed the uniqueness of a human soul if they did, but humans saw soulmates being a romantic gesture and Yuuri couldn’t change the way they think. Yuuri glanced up towards the light in front of them and before he guided the man into it, Yuuri turned to him.

“This is where you part.”

The old man stared between the light and Yuuri. His smile was faint, but it never fell from his face. “So you are Death?” Yuuri nodded. The man hadn’t realized he died. The man’s face held something that was neither grief nor bliss and Yuuri couldn’t work it out. “Thank you for guiding me here. You certainly made me feel welcomed in the afterlife.”

Yuuri gave a polite nod. “It’s been a pleasure speaking with you.”

“Likewise,” The old man said before turning to face the light. He stared towards it and no fear showed in his soul. He turned towards Yuuri for a moment and said, “This person of yours must be special for Death to find them special.”

Victor was special to Yuuri, in more ways than him just being Death. “He’s more than just special to me.”

The old man smiled before turning to the light, saying his final words to Yuuri. “I said the same thing about my wife.” Yuuri couldn’t get the chance to reply before the old man stepped forward and disappeared, leaving Yuuri with a question he wanted to have an answer to.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Fact: The part where Yuuri ruined Victor's jacket is similar to what happened to my own. I bought mine at a comic con and it _poured_ with rain as we were leaving. It wasn't until I got home that I noticed the red had bled into the white!  
>  Luckily, I work at a dry cleaner’s so it was an easy fix for me! (•̀ᴗ•́)و
> 
> ALSO!
> 
> I'm currently three chapters ahead of this one and while I'm so many chapters ahead, updates will be rather regular! I've been working my butt off trying to keep up and make this fic the best I can and I hope it shows! And as always, Thank you for reading! Much love!! <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't going to upload this until tomorrow but I had it ready so I thought, hey, why not?

 

On the day that Yuuri and Victor left for Nationals, Victor hadn’t let go of Yuuri’s hand for most of the day.

Yuuri didn’t mind but after a while, his hand felt a strange heavy feeling and his mind kept on forgetting that he couldn’t use it with Victor’s hand grasped around it. It was off-putting, but Yuuri dealt with it because it gave Victor some comfort. Yuuri could see that Victor was nervous and fearful of failure and while his performance wasn’t for another two days, he still informed Yuuri that his nerves didn’t seem to go away.

And Yuuri made it his personal goal to make sure Victor stayed as calm as Yuuri could keep him.

Yuuri met the rest of the skaters the day they left. Yuuri could easily say that he liked Mila and Georgi. They had kind souls too. Georgi had a soul full of passion – one which held admiration and devotion towards the ones he fell for. Mila had a soul of joy with a heart of gold. Yuuri didn’t know if it was having all the skaters around, but he finally got a look into Yakov’s soul. It held care towards them all, much like they were his own children.

Their souls were all bright and dazzling. While Victor’s soul was the dimmest of them all, it continued to hold Yuuri’s attention.

Their travel held light conversation and polite laughter and Yuuri rather enjoyed his time. He remembered the old man’s words to him, telling him it was time to meet new people and Yuuri thought maybe he should listen to that advice. There was something about being surrounded by kind and caring people, each with a lively soul and a story to tell, that had Yuuri want to learn more about them other than their inevitable death. He wanted to learn their interests, their stories, and memories.

Yuuri had been so invested in the afterlife, he didn’t realize what he was missing with the living.

At some point during the journey, Mila pointed out that Yuuri and Yuri had the same names and somehow came up with a nickname for Yuri. “Yurio is a cute nickname! I’ll have to let Yuri’s Angels know about this one!” Yuri called out that it wasn’t fair that he got the nickname as he was there first but nobody listened to his complaints. Yuuri could see the growing dislike building in Yuri’s soul and Yuuri made the decision to not call Yuri, Yurio.

Yuuri knew Yuri didn’t like him that much. His stare held nothing but daggers, he made little to no effort in making conversation and when he did, it would be a snide remark. Yuuri saw that Victor noticed it too. His hand would tighten around Yuuri’s when Yuri addressed him. Yuuri didn’t think much of it. Yuri wasn’t the first person who disliked him.

But it felt a little different this time. He was typically disliked and feared because he was Death, but Yuri disliked him without knowing that. He felt nothing towards it, but it made him feel rather low just thinking about it.

They arrived at the hotel that had many people standing in front of. Yuuri took the assumption that they were fans when he heard their piercing screams as the skaters stepped into the hotel. Yakov moved them all to check them in and roomed Yuuri with Victor, which was expected. Yuuri turned to tell Victor but as he saw him surrounded by a few fans, Yuuri saw that being his time to disappear.

He crept away, finding the elevator. As he stood inside the small room waiting for the doors to close, he saw a soul walking towards him, one he didn’t want to be stuck in the elevator with. The doors closed and Yuuri didn’t get a chance to sigh with relief before a hand forced it back open. And standing on the other side stood Yuri, who looked the least bit pleased.

He stepped inside. The doors closed moments after and the elevator rose higher. There was a thick silence between the two and Yuuri debated on saying anything, but he didn’t know what to talk about. He glanced at Yuuri from the corner of his eye, then down to his suitcase in hand and found something to say.

He cleared his throat before turning to Yuri to say, “Good luck with your skating.”

Yuri glared at him but said nothing. Yuuri turned back to face the elevator doors, realizing that Yuri did not care for conversation.

The elevator doors pinged open and the two stepped out into the empty hallway. Yuuri turned, wanting to find his and Victor’s room when he heard Yuri’s voice say, “I don’t trust you.” Yuuri paused. “Victor’s been talking about you a lot and from what I hear, I have every reason not to trust you.”

Yuuri turned to face Yuuri. He couldn’t understand why Yuri wouldn’t trust him. He thought that if Victor did, the others would too. “Why don’t you trust me?” Yuuri asked, wanting to know.

“It doesn’t make sense to me. You have no last name and no home, yet you ‘so happened’ to have found Victor Nikiforov walking around at three AM. It’s a weird time for you to be wondering around,” Yuri stated. He crossed his arms, trying to portray his confidence. “Either you’re actually a fan of him or you’re begging for a home and got lucky with Victor. He’s desperate to be with somebody, he would invite anyone in and you hit the jackpot.”

Yuuri didn’t understand how Yuri came to half of his conclusions. He knew it was strange that Yuuri had met Victor that early in the morning, but the real reason was something Yuuri wasn’t going to discuss. But there was something about how concerned Yuri was that made Yuuri’s lips stretch into a light smile.

“You care about Victor.”

Yuri stammered through his sentence, “W – well, yeah, I – of course. He’s an idiot, but he’s… alright.” Yuri’s expression eased. “You, however, I don’t know. You’re a freak and I don’t know what to make of you. There’s something different about you.”

Yuuri came to realize that his strange nature was simply from his lack of experience in being human. He was still learning so he understood why he would seem off to others. But he couldn’t see how that would make Yuri not trust him. Victor wasn’t the only one he wanted trust from. He wanted everyone in Victor’s life to trust him too and that included Yuri.

“What shall I do to gain your trust?” Yuuri asked. Yuri’s eyes widened, shocked by Yuuri’s question. “I don’t want anyone to think that I’m untrustworthy, even if I may be strange.”

Yuri’s eyes narrowed as if he was trying to pick at Yuuri’s question. He then huffed and answered, “You need to work that out for yourself. I’m not going to tell you how to gain my trust. You work hard for it if you really want everyone to trust you.”

Yuuri took Yuri’s advice to mind and nodded. “Of course. I will try my best.” He said and Yuri scoffed before turning away and leaving Yuuri behind. Yuuri watched him as he turned the corner, out of sight and almost out of mind.

Yuuri wanted everyone’s trust and if Yuri wanted him to earn it and work it out for himself, Yuuri would try his hardest.

 

* * *

 

“I still feel nervous,” Victor said as he walked into their shared hotel room. Yuuri turned from staring out of the window to Victor. He stepped forward and held his hands out, showing them to Yuuri. “Look, I’m shaking.” Yuuri stared down at his hands and he was right. His hands were trembling. He pulled his hands back, holding them against his chest and asked, “How are you feeling?”

Yuuri thought it was odd for Victor to ask him. He was showing his own concern and then asked how Yuuri was, and Yuuri couldn’t figure out the thought behind it. He wondered if he looked distressed or emotional himself. “Why?” Yuuri asked, his brows dropped in question.

Victor shook his head. “I was just wondering,” He moved to sit on the couch. “You always ask how I am, but I’ve never asked how you are.”

Victor’s soul held care and Yuuri felt himself warm knowing that care was towards him. He moved to sit beside Victor, smiling as he said, “I’m okay.” He reached out, holding Victor’s hands between his own. “The competition isn’t for another day.”

“I know,” Victor took a deep breath. “I’m just terrified. I don’t want to be back where I was in France. I don’t want to feel that again. I still do, but… but not like how I did.”

It was often that Yuuri didn’t know how to reply to Victor or how to help him make sense of his emotions, and when Yuuri didn’t know what to say, he would say nothing. Before he would say nothing and wait for Victor to continue the conversation, but now, Yuuri found himself starting to show his care. He’d sometimes reach out for Victor to hold his hand, grip at his arm or shoulder, just to show some kind of support. When Yuuri knew Victor really needed to feel touch, Yuuri would pull him into an embrace or kiss him. It helped Victor find comfort when Yuuri didn’t know what to say.

Yuuri hadn’t kissed him for almost a day and he felt a kind of want in him to pull Victor in and feel his lips against his own. Yuuri tried to understand why kissing felt so nice, or why he wanted to do it more often, but it was another question Yuuri couldn’t find an answer to. And at times, Yuuri didn’t find himself caring much about finding an answer anymore because when he did finally feel Victor’s touch, any thoughts or worries would fade out of his mind.

Yuuri moved closer to Victor. Victor glanced up at him as Yuuri leaned in, his forehead pressing against Victor’s. They closed their eyes, feeling their breaths against each other’s skin. Yuuri then felt a presence, something attached to Victor’s own soul and as he opened his eyes and glanced down at the heavy weight against his leg, he caught the sight of Makkachin.

Yuuri felt a hand rest against his cheek to lift his head up. Yuuri’s gaze met Victor’s as he asked, “Yuuri, what is it?”

Yuuri didn’t know how to explain that he could see Victor’s long-gone companion. He looked back down at Makkachin who was sat with her head rested on Victor’s knee. Victor had no idea and as much as Yuuri wanted to show him Makkachin, he knew he couldn’t. He was ‘human’, and humans couldn’t do that.

So he made up a lie. “I thought I felt something crawling up my leg,” He said as he leaned down to wipe at his trouser leg. He felt proud that he came up with a lie that quick.

Victor pulled his legs onto the couch, “Oh, fuck. There isn’t a bug, is there?” He backed further into the couch and Yuuri wanted to laugh at his fear of insects. They couldn’t hurt him. They were harmless and Victor was their biggest threat – yet Victor was the scared one.

“No, it was just my imagination,” Yuuri said with a smile to his face. Victor gave Yuuri a cautious stare before glancing down at the floor, checking that he wasn’t lying. He moved his feet to the floor and sighed with relief. “Bugs can’t hurt you, Victor.”

“I know, I know.” Victor nodded as his eyes continued to scan the floor. “I don’t like their legs. Or having them crawling on me... or near me, actually.”

Makkachin began to sniff across the floor as if she was in search for the non-existent bug too. Not that she could do anything if she did find one. Makkachin was a spirit – a ghost. She didn’t have enough strength in her soul to touch another living being.

“I’m going to go for food,” Victor declared as he stood up. His eyes continued to stay glued to the floor regardless to Yuuri saying there wasn’t an insect anywhere. “You want to join me?”

Yuuri nodded and stood up to follow Victor. He started to eat food now and while he still couldn’t taste it, he knew he enjoyed the texture of some foods compared to others. He liked anything that was soft and easy to eat. He liked that texture. What he didn’t like biting into something soft and finding something hard inside. It put him off wanting to continue to eat.

He found that out when Victor offered him some chocolates from a box. He took the one Victor didn’t like, thinking it wouldn’t matter to him since he couldn’t taste it. As he bit into the soft chocolate square, he felt the crunch of a nut inside the chocolate and decided he didn’t want to eat it after that.

Eating was strange and he would still choose not to eat it, but Victor worried for Yuuri when he didn’t eat and Yuuri never wanted Victor to worry.

 

* * *

 

 

“Oh, fuck,” Yuuri eyes opened when the voice alerted him. The voice then sighed and said to themselves, “Thank God. I thought they were having sex.”

Yuuri pretended to be asleep when he had Victor laying in his arms, so when he heard the sudden voice of a Russian boy he’s never heard before, Yuuri was easily alerted by it. He moved to sit up in the bed, trying not to disturb Victor’s sleep. Victor struggled to sleep that night, having expressed his nerves for his final practice before performing the day after. Yuuri eased his sleep by singing a song he learned a lifetime ago, lulling Victor into a deep sleep.

As he sat up, he saw a boy no younger than Yuri looking around the room and scratching his head. Yuuri could tell this boy was lost. He looked as if he didn’t know what to do with himself. The boy turned and when his eyes landed on Yuuri, his gasped in shock as he stepped back.

“I – I didn’t mean to… I didn’t break in,” He said with his arms raised in defence. “I don’t know how I got here. I don’t remember much.”

The boy was more than just lost. He was confused. Yuuri knew that he didn’t know he was dead. Much like the German girl he helped a while ago, Yuuri wanted to keep him ignorant of his death and gently ease him into moving on. “It’s fine,” Yuuri whispered because Victor could hear him, unlike the spirit.

“I’m just going to leave,” The boy said. “Sorry about this.” He turned to the door.

Yuuri needed him to stay in the room. If he left, he would know he was dead, but with Victor practically laying on top of him, he couldn’t move. “Wait –” Yuuri’s hand reached out as if to try and stop the boy but as the boys hand reached for the handle, he fell through the closed door instead.

Yuuri sighed and the boy came walking back in. His eyes were wide and his face was paler than before. He was in shock and now very well aware of his death. He may still not know how he died, but he knew he was dead, and Yuuri had a job to do.

“What – am I…?”

“Yes,” Yuuri said, nodding. “You have died.”

He blinked, frozen in a state of shock. His head shot down to his hands as he stared at them with disbelief and grief washed over his face. “But – but I don’t remember.” His eyes met with Yuuri’s. “I don’t even know how I died.”

Yuuri knew everything about his death. His death was during his sleep, choking on his own vomit from alcohol poisoning. He had a night out with his friends and he drank too much too soon. It was his first night out drinking and it resulted in his death – a death that was his fate.

“It was alcohol poisoning,” Yuuri said and the boys stare held more confusion than fear as his shoulders dropped. “You choked on your own vomit in your sleep.”

The boy blinked and touched at his throat. He visibly swallowed, trying to see if he could feel anything. “I can’t – it feels weird,” He said as he continued to touch at his throat. “You – How do – How do you know that?”

“How did I know how you died?” The boy nodded. As Yuuri’s mouth opened to reply, the boy disrupted his answer.

“You… You’re the Grim Reaper, aren’t you?”

Yuuri fought an urge to roll his eyes. He still disliked being named that, but now even more so. He took a deep breath before nodding and said to the boy, “I prefer to be known as Death… but yes, I guess that is the same thing.”

Something in the boy changed. His once confused and fearful expression turned into something that made Yuuri think of Yuri. He held a glare, eyes shooting daggers towards Yuuri as if Yuuri was the cause of his misfortune. Yuuri knew when he saw the boys' mood change that the boy was going to be a difficult challenge.

“Why did I die?” He demanded as he stood up straight, glaring down at Yuuri. “That’s not fair. I didn’t – I didn’t deserve to die!”

“It doesn’t matter if you deserved to die or not,” Yuuri used two ways when telling the dead the truth. Easing them into it or using tough-love, and Yuuri knew from the boys past that tough-love was the way to go. “I don’t make that choice.”

Yuuri found his gaze turning to Victor as he asked himself if that was true.

“If you didn’t, then who did?” The boy demanded, wanting to know more. “You’re ‘Death’. You’re the one who controls who dies, not anyone else. Why did I have to die?!”

“The Universe controls your death,” Yuuri stated firmly. “I only follow its rules. I don’t make the choice. I only guide you.”

“But you can,” The boy was becoming frantic. “You- you can make the choice. You must do! You’re Death, you can make the choice to let somebody live or die!”

Yuuri didn’t want to lie to the boy. “I can, yes.”

“Then why did you not choose to let me live?”

Yuuri had an answer but it wasn’t what the boy needed to hear. Yuuri thought back to Victor’s fate and he found himself comparing the two. He wanted to answer his own question of why he chose to change Victor’s fate, but nobody else’s.

He knew why he didn’t change the fate of anyone else. He knew those who needed to die had to, and he never interfered with that until Victor’s death. There was something about Victor dying that made Yuuri want to curse at the Universe for making that his fate – for deciding Victor’s worth was to skate for his whole life until his inevitable death after his sixth Grand Prix win. Yuuri felt Victor deserved more than that and that made Yuuri think. He never felt that towards anyone before.

But Yuuri asked himself if that was fair.

“The Universe would react with a consequence,” Yuuri found himself saying. “The consequence is uncertain, but it would result in misfortune for you. Or even an attempt to end your life again. I cannot know how the Universe would react if I saved you.”

It was the truth and he knew the same was for Victor. He would only know the consequence once the Universe has decided it.

As the boy pouted, Yuuri heard Victor murmuring and shifted as he woke up. He raised his head, staring up at Yuuri through heavy-lidded eyes. “…Yuuri?” He mumbled through his thick accent and Yuuri glanced down. “Who’re you talking to?”

Yuuri’s hand brushed through Victor’s hair, relaxing him as he said, “Nobody. Go back to sleep.” Victor sighed as Yuuri’s fingers weaved through his hair. He rested his head down and fell back into a blissful sleep moments later. Yuuri smiled down at Victor before turning back to look at the boy, who held a raised brow.

The boys gaze shifted between Yuuri and Victor. “I didn’t know Death had a life.”

Yuuri blinked. “I don’t.”

The boy scoffed. “When I think about the Grim Reaper, I don’t imagine someone sleeping in bed and cuddling up to another person,” He pointed towards Victor who was sound asleep. “I imagine some skeleton looking thing, with the scythe and cloak.”

“That is a human’s interpretation of me,” Yuuri stated. “That version does not exist.”

Yuuri never enjoyed having his appearance assumed. It made things difficult for him when he did try to move on spirits, especially when some accused him of not being Death because he didn’t look the part. This human didn’t do that, but they were judging him and Yuuri didn’t like that.

“Are you a God then?”

Yuuri shook his head. “No. I am not a God.”

The boy seemed to have calmed down and Yuuri was ready to convince him to move on, but as the boy sat down on the edge of the bed, Yuuri knew he wasn’t ready yet. He had questions and Yuuri wasn’t too pleased in answering them, especially with the new subject the boy brought up.

“But you can do things nobody else can do,” The boy said, pointing at Yuuri. “You’re real. I’m sitting here looking and talking to _Death himself._ You can… you can save so many people. You can create a new religion. You can guide the world to a better place.”

“I’d cause a war,” Yuuri answered. Being a God was something he always denied, because Yuuri wasn’t a God, and he didn’t want to be seen as one either. “People would question everything they knew, if they knew I existed.”

“I didn’t.”

“Some people are different,” Yuuri told him. There was a silence that fell between the two, neither knowing what to say. Yuuri sat up straighter in the bed. He wanted to explain it properly to the boy. “I don’t want people to worship me.”

The boy looked up. “Why?” He asked, “I would dream of that. I would love for people to look at me and think of me as something more. And to have people worship you… How could you not want that?”

“I don’t want people to worship be because I don’t want to be seen as a God. I am not a God and I don’t want to be treated as one either.” Yuuri didn’t want power or fame. He didn’t want any of it because Yuuri was just Death; a being who guides people in the afterlife. That is all he is. “I don’t want to be worshipped or prayed to. I don’t want people to be influenced by my actions or words because I’m not human. Human’s don’t share the same mentality as me, so they shouldn’t try to be me.”

“But I don’t understand why you wouldn’t want it,” The boy said, startled by Yuuri’s response. “What is it that you want?”

“I just want people to be the best they can be. But not to satisfy me. To satisfy themselves and everyone around them,” He answered. “And I’d rather help someone who deserves my help. I don’t want to guide somebody who’s raped or touched children. They don’t deserve my kindness. But I have to help them regardless.”

The boys face dropped. “Why?”

“Because if I don’t, those people will continue to hurt, even in death,” Yuuri said. “I like kind people.”

It was what humans called a poltergeist. They were souls of evil humans who refused to move on, even by force. Yuuri had to guide every soul to the afterlife. When an evil soul refuses, Yuuri forces them and when he would fail to force them through the light, they escape and cause more havoc.

He could never find them when they escape. Only by accident would he find them again.

The boy dropped his gaze as he thought to himself. He then met Yuuri’s eyes and asked, “Am I kind?”

“Yes,” Yuuri said without hesitation. “Your soul is kind. I’d be happy to help you move on.”

A warm smile stretched across the boys' lips and Yuuri returned it. The boy then took a deep breath before standing up and Yuuri saw the way his soul gleamed that he was ready to move on. Yuuri allowed him to see the light. The boy eyed it with curiosity. His soul no longer held any fear and as the boy stepped closer, he paused before he fully entered the light.

He turned back to Yuuri. “I think you have a kind soul too,” He smiled before turning and disappearing, along with the light.

The quiet and darkness became sudden. Yuuri found he couldn’t bite back his grin and he didn’t know why.

 

* * *

 

Victor wanted to spend his last day before the competition with Yuuri, but when Yakov came bursting into their room approximately half an hour after Victor was _supposed_ to arrive for his final practice, Victor realized he had no choice.

Yuuri accompanied him to the rink, but only for a few hours. There were a couple of spirits he needed to visit and guide and while Yuuri was with Victor, he couldn’t help them yet. But Yuuri didn’t mind being with Victor and he decided the spirits could wait for a few hours.

Watching Victor skate took him back to when he first saw Victor. The blades of his skate scratched against the delicate surface as he glided from one side of the rink to the other. He moved swiftly, dancing along the ice with precision and grace. Yuuri watched Victor skate a few times over the years and he never failed to capture Yuuri’s attention.

While Yuuri didn’t understand figure skating all too well, he knew the very basics of it. He knew that if Victor won any medal, he would have an exhibition skate which was nothing for him to worry about, but Victor worried about it for a different reason.

“I want people to remember it, but it’s so forgetful. There’s nothing special about it,” Victor told Yuuri during one of his breaks. Yuuri couldn’t offer any advice because he knew next to nothing about skating, so he held Victor’s hand and kissed his cheek in his attempt to ease his worry.

But Yuuri’s support could only go so far before Victor found himself in a crushing heap of fear.

Yuuri had just returned from helping a few spirits. He appeared only a few moments before Victor came bursting through the door, tears down his cheeks and a bitten back sob in the back of his throat. Yuuri stood in the middle of the room, eyes blinking as he stared at Victor. He was a mess. His hair was dishevelled, poking in all directions and his eyes were red from crying. Yuuri took a step forward, concern filling his every thought.

“ _Yuuri_ ,” Victor wept as he stepped forward. His arms wrapped around Yuuri as Victor tugged him close. Victor’s legs crumbled and he fell to the floor, pulling Yuuri down with him. Yuuri didn’t know what had set Victor off, but it didn’t matter until Victor’s cries had calmed down.

Victor sobbed into his chest as his hands clutched the back of Yuuri’s shirt. Yuuri held him in silence, rocking him from side to side as his fingers brushed through his hair and his embrace held tight. Yuuri wanted to know what made Victor feel such misery, but he knew that Victor was unable to tell him while he cried, so he continued to show his support by simply being there.

His cries gradually calmed down to silent sniffs. He refused to let go of Yuuri and Yuuri didn’t want him to. He felt Victor’s arms trying to wrap further around his back and Yuuri found room to move closer. He continued to run his hand through Victor’s hair as he found now was a good time to speak to him. “Did something happen?”

Victor sniffed and shook his head. “No.” His voice was muffled in Yuuri’s shirt. “Nothing happened, but that’s the thing.”

Yuuri wanted to understand what Victor meant by that. He couldn’t understand why Victor would cry at nothing, but then he didn’t understand a lot of things. “What do you mean by that?” Yuuri asked, wanting to know. “Are you upset that nothing had happened?”

Victor breathed in a long, shaky breath before he pulled back. Yuuri met Victor’s glazed, wet eyes and he saw nothing but grief and sorrow. “No. That’s not… It’s stupid. I don’t know why it made me cry. It – It’s just…” He bit his lip as his eyes filled with tears again.

Yuuri didn’t want to see any more of his tears. He pulled back as his hands fell to Victor’s face. His thumbs rubbed under his eyes, drying Victor’s tears as they fell. “No more of that,” Yuuri said softly. “Nothing you say will be stupid. What made you cry?”

Victor held his stare. His breathing was shaky and his body trembled from his cries. He swallowed hard before he said, “I’m so scared, Yuuri.” His lip wobbled and he breathed in heavy, trying to keep himself composed. “I know what they’re going to say about me. I know if I mess up even the slightest, or if I just skate how I have been recently, that they’ll talk. It doesn’t usually bother me, but recently… It feels like it’s too much.”

“You’re scared of what they’ll say about you?” Yuuri asked, confirming his guess. Victor nodded.

“Some things have been brutal and I’ve taken them to heart,” He sniffed and wiped his nose with his wrist. “I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. You just… you just see it and you can’t stop yourself from reading it.”

Yuuri moved to sit properly on the floor. The hardwood beneath his legs made his knees cramp up and while he felt no pain, it was still uncomfortable. His hands moved as he pulled Victor into another embrace as he said, “You can’t help how you feel. Whatever happens tomorrow, remember that I’m here.”

Victor’s arms weaved around Yuuri’s waist as he nodded. “You’re here.” He swallowed before pulling back. His hand cupped Yuuri’s cheek as he beamed. “You are. You really are here. _My Yuuri._ ”

Yuuri was beginning to get used to Victor’s surprise kisses. Victor’s hands curled around the back of Yuuri’s neck as he pulled him in to kiss him. The press of his mouth against Yuuri’s own – undemanding and passionate. Victor moved forward, easing Yuuri onto his back as he moved above him. His lips never left Yuuri’s.

They kissed for a long time. Yuuri found a lot of enjoyment in kissing Victor and it was such a simple pleasure. Kissing Victor was still new to Yuuri – as was everything he did with Victor. Every kiss, every touch, it was all so new and Yuuri knew that he was willing to try something new with Victor. He trusted him and while he felt so much trust, he knew he would be okay.

The moment their tongues met, Victor moaned. Their legs were intertwined as Victor’s hands roamed over Yuuri’s body and to his back. His hand slipped under Yuuri’s shirt, his fingers tracing down Yuuri’s spine. He felt tingles of electricity left behind and Yuuri shivered.

As Yuuri pulled away and met Victor’s eyes, he recognised the look of lust in his eyes. Yuuri didn’t know why but the look discouraged him from continuing. “W – Wait,” He took a shaky, shallow breath. Victor paused, eyeing Yuuri with concern. Yuuri knew where this would be taken if he continued and while he knew he wouldn’t mind, there were some things that were worth waiting for. “Let’s just –”

“I didn’t push too far, did I?” Victor breathed in, catching his breath.

“No, no,” Yuuri said as his head shook side to side. “I trust you, but now doesn’t feel… right.” It was the look of lust that had Yuuri feel uneasy. He trusted Victor without any doubt, but the look made him feel an ache inside as if he didn’t want to see that look. He didn’t understand it but he knew lust wasn’t what he wanted out of Victor.

Victor swallowed hard before nodding. “I understand,” He shifted to move up, helping Yuuri to his feet too. Victor stayed close as he said, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I enjoyed it.” Yuuri said with a faint smile and it was enough to ease Victor’s expression.

They moved to the bed afterwards. Neither felt the need to continue what they just stopped, but they still stayed close as they huddled under the bed covers and shared lazy kisses. Yuuri wondered if this was Victor’s way of distracting himself from the competition tomorrow, but he felt that wasn’t completely the case. Victor called him ‘My Yuuri’, and that didn’t seem like a distraction to Yuuri.

However, sleep came easier to Victor that night, and Yuuri kept him close. His fear for tomorrow only held as heavy as the Universe did against his back. He didn’t know why, but something about the next day felt… distressing.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri had every reason to feel distressed.

Yuuri watched from the bleachers as Victor skated to the centre of the rink, ready to begin his skate. The moment the music started, the weight against Yuuri’s back had lifted and Yuuri knew in that moment where his stomach dropped with dread that this was it.

The Universe found its consequence, and it was going to target Victor’s skating.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annnnnnd the consequence strikes!
> 
> Surprise!
> 
> I'm sorry（ﾉ´д｀）
> 
>  
> 
> Also, My beta reader has been very absent in reading these (for reasons I will not say) so I'm currently without a beta reader. Any mistakes are my own. I thought I should let you all know <3<3


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did a heck of a lot of research on the dates and when they skate during Nationals and I thiiink I have it. Realistically, the dates don't matter too much to the plot, but I wanted to make it as accurate as possible. Of course, it never would be completely accurate, but I gave it my best shot <3
> 
> I'm going by 2017 Nationals, held in Chelyabinsk, Russia.
> 
> Men's short program: 12.22.16  
> Free skate: 12.23.16  
> And I believe their medal ceremony/exhibition skate is held on the 25th = Victor's birthday.
> 
> That's the timeline that I went with. As I said, the dates aren't too important, but it's here if you're interested in the timeline.

 

When Victor finished his skate, it was a little lacklustre to what it could have been – to what it _should_ have been.

But the crowds still cheered and the commentators still spoke about his skate. Victor waved at the crowds but Yuuri could see that he knew too. He knew he could have done better, that his skate was not to the level it had been at the Grand Prix. His face was stoic and lifeless, and Yuuri felt _horrible._

Victor moved to the kiss and cry, sat next to Yakov, and received his score. A score of 83.19 that landed him in fourth place. There was still one more skater left to perform, who could either move his place one step higher or lower. Victor didn’t react to his score. He stared blankly at it; his cold gaze never faltered even when Yakov’s hand squeezed his shoulder in comfort. The next skater was set to perform and Yuuri needed to find Victor.

To Yuuri’s surprise, Yakov came looking for him. Yuuri knew the moment he saw Yakov that Victor needed him, that he wasn’t handling his scoring well. Yakov stepped towards him, motioning at him to come closer. “Yuuri,” He said and Yuuri held his breath. “Vitya’s out back. He wanted some air. Go see him.” Yuuri nodded and followed the direction Yakov pointed him to.

Yuuri didn’t know how to explain the feeling that held in his gut. He had never felt anything like it before. He didn’t know what it was: fear, panic, dread, he didn’t know. All he knew was that it sat heavy, pulling at his chest in a way that made him feel uncomfortable and low. When Yuuri came close to Victor, he saw his soul on the other side of the wall and Yuuri decided that it was all three.

He pushed the door open. Victor sat against the wall with his arms wrapped around his legs and staring straight ahead. He didn’t glance up at the sound of the door opening, nor at the soft click of it closing. He stared ahead, eyes unfocused and hands trembling against his legs. Yuuri wanted nothing more than to see him at ease – to see his soul bright and his smile warm.

Yuuri sat down beside him but he didn’t move to touch him. He didn’t know what it was that Victor needed from him. He had never helped somebody in that state before. He wanted to approach this the way Victor needed him to so he did what he always did when he didn’t know and he asked.

“What do you want me to do?”

Victor blinked once as his head slowly turned to Yuuri. His face was stoic, unmoving as he swallowed hard and asked, “Can you find out the results?”

Yuuri nodded and got up to enter the arena once again. His eyes scanned the area, looking for anything that could give him the results. He was going to find Yakov if he hadn’t come across a monitor hanging on the wall. It had the skater’s final results. Victor’s final placement was at fifth place. And Yuuri caught Yuri’s name three places above his at second.

Fifth. Yuuri knew from even his own basic knowledge of the sport that if Victor didn’t progress higher, he’d fail to win a medal. He still had another skate and Victor still had a chance, but the lack of weight he felt from the Universe made Yuuri wonder if Victor even had that chance. He wanted Victor to because Victor deserved more than what he got.

Yuuri returned to Victor’s side, sitting beside him with enough room to give Victor space. Victor stared at him, waiting for Yuuri to speak. He took a deep breath before saying, “Fifth. You’re at fifth place.”

Yuuri had expected a reaction, but Victor’s expression didn’t even twitch. His face held no anger, joy, or sadness. He held his stare and as Yuuri’s eyes locked on with Victor’s, he wondered what was going through his mind. He didn’t know. He couldn’t tell.

Yakov came to collect the two after a while. He told Yuuri to take Victor back to the hotel and try to prepare him for tomorrow. Yuuri didn’t know how he could do that but he promised Yakov that he would try and Yuuri was determined to keep his promise.

They entered their room. Victor made no move to take off his shoes or jacket as he moved towards the bed, crawling on top of it and lying on his side. Yuuri stared at his back, watching his body gently rise and fall with his breathing. Victor hadn’t spoken a word since he asked for the results and Yuuri couldn’t get a read on his soul. He blocked it off, hiding it behind nothing but numbness.

Yuuri stood to the side, unsure how to help Victor. He looked around the room, wondering if there was anything that could give him a hint as to what to do, but he still didn’t know. He tried to think of himself in Victor’s shoes. He thought about what he would want Victor to do if Yuuri felt how Victor did. He struggled to think but it helped him come up with an idea.

He moved to the end of the bed and worked on removing Victor’s shoes. His thought was that he couldn’t be comfortable lying on the bed with shoes on. It was something he never saw a human do before. Victor let him remove his shoes, not even glancing down at Yuuri doing so. He placed his shoes on the floor out of the way and stood up straight.

Yuuri’s eyes scanned around the hotel room. He wanted to find a blanket to put over Victor so he wouldn’t get cold. He moved into the bathroom, eyes searching the area. He saw one folded up neatly by the sink and as Yuuri touched the material, it felt soft and warm against his palm. He picked it up and moved back to the bed, draping the sheet over Victor’s body. It didn’t cover his whole body but it was enough to keep Yuuri feeling proud of himself when he saw Victor move.

Victor tugged at the sheet as he raised his head, staring at it with dropped brows. His eyes met with Yuuri as he said, “Yuuri. Why did you put a towel over me?”

Yuuri paused, eyes blinking at what he thought was a blanket. “Uh… That’s not a blanket?” Victor held his stare. “I was looking for a blanket. I thought that was one.”

When Victor didn’t react, Yuuri thought he only made Victor feel worse. It wasn’t until he saw a weak smile that Yuuri felt relief. He knew the smile only masked his sadness, but Victor put the effort in showing one and Yuuri appreciated it. Victor moved to sit up and stretched his arms open, asking for an embrace.

Yuuri didn’t hesitate as he moved to sit in front of him, wrapping his arms around Victor’s shoulders and pulling him close. The heaviness Yuuri felt still sat heavy inside, but he felt a flutter as Victor’s body pressed against his. Victor sunk into the embrace, pulling Yuuri in as close as he could before he moved to pull Yuuri down to lay with him, side by side.

It was there that Victor took a deep shaky breath before he broke down into sobs. “I – I don’t know what happened,” He choked, barely holding back his tears. “As soon as I started to skate, my head just… blanked. I knew the moves and I knew the jumps, but my mind didn’t concentrate on perfecting anything. It just blanked.”

Yuuri felt the heaviness pull at his chest. He didn’t know how he could tell Victor he was the reason he messed up today. Yuuri wanted to tell Victor – he wanted to tell him so bad, but Yuuri would have to reveal who he truly is. That is something Yuuri cannot do.

He gently rubbed Victor’s arm and tugged their embrace tighter. He hoped that he could still help Victor. Yuuri stayed silent as he continued to listen to him, hoping him being there could be enough for now.

“I knew as soon as I finished my score wasn’t going to be good. And I was right. It wasn’t good. I didn’t deal with it too well, but it wasn’t until I heard…” He paused and breathed in shakily. “I heard someone say… say that I’m a pathetic excuse of a living legend. That I’m about as good as dead. That – that really… It just –”

Victor choked out a wail against Yuuri’s chest. He gripped Yuuri’s shirt, tugging it close to his face. He let Victor cry for a moment, letting him get out everything he felt. He cried in Yuuri’s arms, body shaking with every sob and whimper.

When his cries turned into the occasional sniff, Yuuri found a question to ask. “What are you thinking?”

“That maybe I am as good as dead if I can’t skate anymore,” Victor’s voice quivered. “Perhaps I should have retired when I had the chance.”

“Do _you_ think you should have retired back then?” Victor didn’t answer and his silence gave Yuuri a muted answer. “Do you still want to die?”

Victor raised his head to meet Yuuri’s gaze. His mouth fell open, wanting to speak but nothing came out. He pressed his lips together and his eyes squeezed shut, stifling back the sob that threatened to escape once again. Yuuri’s hand laced through his hair as he pressed Victor’s head back down to his chest. His fingers worked through Victor’s locks, soothing his silent cries.

Victor eventually answered. “Yes. But also, no,” He breathed in heavily – his breath catching as he did – and said, “I feel so much worse than I did at the Grand Prix. I feel like I’m just going to spiral further down until I crash and burn like everybody is expecting me to do. I hate this. I hate feeling like this.”

“Tell me what to do to help you.”

Victor stayed silent for a moment. “Just hold me, please.” Yuuri tightened his grip, pulling Victor as close as he could. He felt Victor return it. In that moment of absolute silence, they felt peace being in each other’s arms. Victor felt comfort while Yuuri offered it, but the peace Yuuri felt didn’t ease the heavy pull in his chest. The guilt he felt was impossible to ignore – even more than when the Universe weighed on his back

He thought this had to have been a cruel test of his faith. He thought surely, the Universe must have known that Yuuri attached himself to Victor, that there was a possibility that Yuuri would have acted too recklessly. The Universe must’ve known, yet it kept Victor’s fate the same. Yuuri may not have seen his recklessness coming, but the Universe had to have.

He thought that the Universe was testing his loyalty. If that was the case, then Yuuri had broken it. He had broken it and now, it was being cruel. It was forcing Yuuri to sit back and watch the one soul he felt an attachment to, suffer from the consequence that _he_ caused.

Yuuri felt betrayed. His loyalty to the Universe went back for centuries and the one time he decided to make his own choice, he’s being punished for it. The Universe was acting like a God, and for some reason, Yuuri despised that thought.

“I know I feel worse than I did at the Grand Prix…” Victor’s voice almost startled Yuuri. “But I don’t feel the need to try what I wanted to do. I think it’s because you’re here. Last time, I didn’t have somebody I spoke to about this or cuddled with when I needed to feel someone. I think you’re saving me again.”

“That’s all I want to do,” Yuuri murmured against his hair. He found himself speaking the truth; he wanted to save Victor. He knew that now and although he may still not know _why_ , he knew that Victor’s life is something he wanted to save.

Victor tugged at Yuuri’s shirt again as he pressed his face into Yuuri’s chest and sobbed. Yuuri froze, fearing that his words didn’t help Victor. He said something he thought was supportive and Victor’s crying made him feel the need to apologize, until he heard Victor’s voice mutter out the words, “Thank you.”

They lie there, even when the sun set and darkness crept into the room, neither moved. There was something about Victor finding comfort in Yuuri that made Yuuri feel at ease. The constant thought of the Universe pressing against Victor’s shoulders did nothing to assure him that he could save Victor, but knowing that Victor found a safe sanctuary with Yuuri – that Victor found comfort in Yuuri’s arms during his worst moments – made him find reassurance in himself.

They stay lying in bed until the early hours of the morning – much earlier than usual. The sun was slowly rising over the horizon as the once pitch-black sky became painted with reds, purples, and blues. Victor was reluctant to get up yet but the growling in his stomach became audible, even to Yuuri. The two got up and ready, and prepared themselves for the day to come.

 

* * *

 

 

 

Victor was quiet. Not numb like he was before, but quiet.

It didn’t just worry Yuuri but it worried Yakov too. The coach pulled Yuuri aside and asked him why Victor was still like this. Yuuri mentioned that he cried for a while but spoke to him about how he felt and that he was a lot better than the night before. It seemed to ease Yakov’s concern, but not enough to assure him that Victor was okay.

When the time came for the two to part, Victor was more reluctant to leave Yuuri than he did back in France. He almost refused to go anywhere unless Yuuri was with him and even both Yakov’s yells and Yuri’s complaints did nothing to move the skater away from Yuuri.

“I don’t understand why Yuuri can’t go back there with us,” Victor complained, turning to glance towards Yakov.

“It’s coaches and skaters only, Vitya. You know this,” Yakov replied. His face was slowly growing red every second that Victor didn’t move. “We need to go, _now._ You and Yura have to skate.”

“Victor, I’ll be right here,” Yuuri said as his grip in Victor’s hands tightened. Victor stared at him, sorrow resting heavy against his soul. “I won’t go anywhere, I promise.”

“I’m scared, Yuuri,” Victor murmured through a shaky breath. “I feel so scared that I’m going to do worse than yesterday. I feel like I can’t do this without you near me.”

Yuuri felt a warm tug at his chest. He raised his hand, cupping Victor’s cheek as he smiled warmly. He wanted to offer Victor help – give him some advice to help him, but he wasn’t sure what he could say. But then, he had a thought. “Think of me when you skate,” Yuuri said and Victor blinked, frozen. “I’ll always be with you that way. Just think of me and see if it helps.”

Victor was silent. His eyes dropped as he thought to himself. Yuuri knew he came to his conclusion when he felt Victor’s lips press against his own in a quick but sweet kiss before saying, “I’ll try.”

Victor finally joined Yakov and Yuri, to their relief, and Yuuri left to join the audience. He sat in his seat, staring out at the ice rink in front of him and preparing himself for what he hoped would be a skate not worse than the day before.

Yuuri didn’t pay much attention to the first few skaters who performed. He didn’t know them and his concentration wasn’t on them. He wanted to see Victor’s skate. He also wanted to watch Yuri’s performance. Victor told him he would be fourth to skate and Yuri would be last, so Yuuri waited with patients until Victor started his skate.

He thought back to the night before. He felt he was getting better at reading other people emotions. He still struggled to understand them or even feel them for himself, but he was beginning to feel a change in himself. He could feel new emotions. Especially now as he watched Victor’s form move across the ice.

He knew the feeling that pulled at his insides, that made his hands tremble slightly. It was nerves. And Yuuri watched Victor carefully and as the music started, he began to move.

 

* * *

 

 

His skate was no better than yesterday's, but not worse, either.

Victor missing a jump wasn’t something that was unheard of. It was rare, so Yuuri heard from the pair sitting next to him, but not unheard of. Yuuri knew as he saw Victor’s face through the screen as he sat at the kiss and cry and received his results that he wasn’t bad like yesterday. He wasn’t numb, which was a relief, but he wasn’t happy either.

He placed second with a score, in total, of 250.22. He had a deduction for his missed jump, but it was good, so Yuuri thought. But again, the pair beside him said, “It wasn’t Victor Nikiforov good.” Yuuri knew by the sorrow in Victor’s soul that he knew that too.

But Victor wasn’t bad like yesterday and Yuuri didn’t need to go in search for him, so he waited until after Yuri’s skate next. He wanted to see him skate too, having placed second the day before, Yuuri wondered where he would place.

By the time Yuri received his score, he took Victor’s place in second. He scored 251.04, and it was said if Victor didn’t miss his jump, he would have kept his second place. Yuuri knew that was the work of the Universe. The consequence that affected Victor’s skating was what made him miss that jump – miss that chance of getting second place. Victor should have done so much better if it wasn’t for the Universe.

If it wasn’t for Yuuri.

But Yuuri didn’t regret saving Victor, even after the consequence. He felt guilty that Victor was receiving the worst from his own choice, but Yuuri knew he wouldn’t go back and let Victor jump. He knew that for certain. He would never want to go back and change his choice to keep Victor’s fate the way it was planned. He only wished the Universe didn’t need to react.

It was still something he questioned. He couldn’t understand the Universes need to have Victor die that day. He felt that was unfair if Victor’s fate was simply because he just needed to die. He was too well known for his death to not have an effect on _somebody._ Yet, Yuuri couldn’t figure out any other reason why Victor would need to die.

And as Yuuri stared at Victor’s soul when he felt Victor’s crushing embrace, Yuuri knew that Victor was on his second life. But what was his first?

“My Yuuri,” Victor cooed as he squeezed the hug tighter. “I thought about you. I tried to make that skate good, but I couldn’t. I’m sorry.”

Yuuri pulled back from the hug, wanting to feel free from the pressure. He smiled warmly at Victor. His face held sorrow but Yuuri knew he felt better about the skate. “Don’t apologize. You placed third. That’s good, right?”

Victor sighed and shrugged. “It’s… okay. I placed, which I didn’t think I’d do, but…” He paused. “I’m not proud of it, but I will accept it.”

Yuuri smiled reassuringly at him and as Victor returned the grin, Yuuri knew it didn’t have his heart in it, but the effort was enough.

They had to go their separate ways once again and Yuuri made a reminder to himself to speak to Victor more about today’s skate. While Victor expressed that he wasn’t proud of what he had done, he wasn’t like he was yesterday, and Yuuri knew that was good. But that didn’t mean Victor was completely fine and Yuuri wanted to make sure.

Yakov gave Yuuri a heads up that Victor wouldn’t be back until late in the evening, and that Victor would be busy until the medal ceremony in two days – on Victor’s birthday. Yuuri didn’t mind, as long as he saw Victor at some point he was okay. He wanted Victor to talk more about how he was feeling. Yuuri noticed it seemed to help him feel better. It even helped him work things out sometimes, and Yuuri kept that to mind.

As Yuuri returned to his hotel room, the absence of Victor was too difficult to ignore. Yuuri took his few hours of silence to tend to a few spirits.

 

* * *

 

 

“Will my children be okay?” The woman asked as she stared at her children in a tight embrace with their father.

She had been dead for a while now, having been in a car crash. It was death on impact. She had discovered she had died after seeing her own body being pulled out of her car and her first thought was to get to her children. She walked her way back home, which was where Yuuri had found her.

As Yuuri stared at the woman’s children crying and hugging their father, he knew he couldn’t lie to her. “I don’t know.” He couldn’t tell their futures; only their deaths. He did, however, want to give her some reassurance. “They’ve had a good upbringing and their father loves them. I can safely assume that they will be fine.”

The woman squeezed her eyes shut as she nodded. “Okay,” She breathed out, trying to calm her worries. Her eyes sprung open as she turned to Yuuri, a desperate plead washed across her eyes as she said, “Please look after them for me. Please don’t let them have the same fate I had.”

Yuuri wanted to promise that, but he couldn’t. Their fates didn’t hold the same as their mothers. Hers was necessary for her children to develop a sense of independence. Theirs held nothing that was necessary to anyone else, meaning their fates were various. “I can’t promise that I’m afraid.”

The woman sighed heavily. There was a pause that had Yuuri wonder to himself why he knew her death was necessary to something and why he didn’t know Victor’s. It made him think.

“Have you ever had children?”

The question took Yuuri by surprise. He shook his head. “No. I can’t have children.”

She held sorrow in her eyes. “I’m sorry,” She apologized before turning back to her children. “If you do ever have children one day – your own or adopted, I’ll tell you that they become everything you want to protect.”

“Did you not want to protect your husband?” Yuuri asked because he wondered why she said that about her children, but not him.

“Of course, I do,” She snapped. “But I was talking about children. They’re just… they’re so fragile and delicate. I knew when I was young that I always wanted to have children. I always hoped I’d be a good mother.”

“You are a good mother,” Yuuri told her and she smiled. “But I’m curious. Why are you telling me this?”

Her eyes finally tore away from her children as they met his. “I just wanted you to know.”

It didn’t seem like a response to Yuuri, but the woman seemed as if she was done with talking as she turned back to her children. She had a look in her eye, something that held tenderness. And there was care as she gave her children a warm smile before turning to Yuuri and saying, “I’m ready to go to Heaven now.”

She thought he was God and Yuuri resisted the urge to correct her. She was ready to move on and Yuuri didn’t want to change that. As her eyes met with the light, she smiled wide before turning to Yuuri. “I hope you have children with somebody you find special one day. It’ll change your life.”

Yuuri’s mind went straight to Victor. The thought of having children with him made Yuuri want to laugh. It was too farfetched. Yuuri was Death. He didn’t have children. It didn’t stop him from wondering if Victor wanted kids, but that was a thought that he wasn’t too concerned over.

“I’m sure,” Yuuri agreed because he didn’t know what else to say.

The woman waved at Yuuri before turning around and stepping into the light, disappearing from the world in an instant. As Yuuri turned to face the family who just lost their mother, Yuuri couldn’t stop himself from wondering.

He had been thinking a lot recently. He’d been thinking a lot about things he had never thought about before, and as he turned away and returned to his hotel room back in Russia, he continued to wonder why he was changing so much.

 

* * *

 

 

“Victor.”

Yuuri heard the unmistakable voice of Yuri on the other side of the door. Yuuri glanced up from staring at the TV remote, trying to work out each button when he heard Yuri’s voice.

“Yuri, I don’t… Can you not say anything to me now?” Victor’s voice replied back. Yuuri dropped the remote to his side and stood up, moving quietly towards the door. “I’m not in a good mood.”

“You’re never in a good mood these days,” Yuri spat. Yuuri pressed his ear against the door, wanting to listen in before he reminded himself that he didn’t need to do that. He was Death. He could be unseen to the two. As Yuuri stepped through the wall, Yuri said, “What the hell happened these past two skates?”

Yuuri caught Victor shrugging before turning away, stepping close to the door. Yuri’s grip on his arm stopped him as Yuri spun him around, wanting him to look Yuri in the eye. “Don’t walk away from this,” Yuri pointed his finger. Victor didn’t react. “When I told you not to waste your final year not caring, I didn’t mean fuck up your own routine for the sake of letting someone else win.”

“I didn’t.”

Yuri rolled his eyes. “That’s bullshit and you know it.”

“I didn’t throw away my performance,” Victor defended, his voice rising. “I don’t know what happened out there, Yuri. I was so sure of my routine and as soon as that music started I just… I fucked it up.”

Yuri crossed his arms as he raised a brow. “So you didn’t throw it away to let someone win?”

“Of course, I didn’t,” Victor said, shaking his head. “I wanted to win. Of course, I did. Have you heard what people have been saying about me? All I wanted today was to win gold and prove them wrong. I wanted to surprise them with an amazing performance but I couldn’t think of anything and then I couldn’t remember my routine and everything just fell apart.”

“I know what they’ve been saying, and you know what? Fuck them,” Yuri said, throwing his hand up to emphasise his point. “Since when have what people been saying to you made you this down?”

Victor paused as he thought back. He sighed heavily before answering. “It’s been a while, I think.”

“What, are you depressed or something?” Yuri asked and he waited for a response. None came. Victor wrapped his arms around himself and turned his gaze to the floor, unable to look Yuri in the eye. Yuuri caught the moment when the realization hit Yuri. His eyes widened and his shoulders dropped as everything made sense to him now. “Holy shit, you’re depressed?”

“Yes, Yuri. Okay?” Victor’s fuse burst. “Yes, I’m depressed. I’ve been feeling so… I don’t know. I want to smile and laugh but when I do, it never feels real. It’s like I’m doing it because I have to and it’s so tiring. Everything feels like a chore and I just feel so empty. I’m just – I’m tired of this, Yuri. I’m tired of everything.”

Yuri stayed silent for a moment. Like Yuuri, he probably didn’t know what to say. Victor retracted back to his defensive state, arms around him and his head bowed. Eventually, Yuri broke the silence. “Why the hell didn’t you tell anyone sooner?”

Victor shrugged. “I thought it would go away,” He said before pausing. “I actually think I didn’t realize it until recently, and when I did I think I just… I didn’t want to burden anyone with my problem.”

“That’s a dumb excuse.”

Victor huffed out a single laugh. “Yeah. It is, isn’t it?”

There was a silence that fell which even Yuuri felt a slight discomfort in. He watched the two as Yuri held his annoyed glare, but his eyes showed care as he was concerned. Victor didn’t want to look at Yuri and Yuuri wanted him to do so. Victor looked ashamed and Yuuri didn’t want him to be.

“Are you going to tell Yakov about it?” Yuri asked and Victor glanced up, meeting his eyes for a second before turning away. “He deserves to know. And if your depression is why your skating’s fucked, I think he’s the most important person to talk to.”

“I – I can’t. Not yet, anyway. It’s – It’s difficult to explain,” Victor breath caught as he breathed in. He met Yuri’s glare. “I think it’s my skating that’s made me like this. I don’t really know, but I feel like it’s… that it’s contributed.”

“If this is about what everyone’s been saying about you then –”

“– No, no it’s not just that!” Victor snapped frantically. His eyes glazed over as he blinked it back. “It’s – It’s more than just that. It’s my inspiration – my performances. It’s my surprises and these competitions. Everything isn’t going how it should be. Everything feels like it’s running off course and I can’t keep up with it. I’m trying so _hard_ to keep up but I’m stumbling and falling, and with what happened this competition, I feel like I’m trapped in this hole and I can’t get out of it. I’ve never stumbled like this before. I’ve always been on top of my game and now… now I’m not so sure.”

“So you’ve had a bit of a stumble. So what.” Yuri shrugged and Victor stared at him, wide-eyed. “You’re living legend, Victor Nikiforov. You’ll find a way to get out of your little hole. You can get out of it.”

“Yuri… It’s not that simple.” Victor was stunned. “It’s really not. If it was, I would have done that long ago. Yuri, that’s not… That’s not – not right to say to me. Yuri, I –” He breathed in a shaky breath as he backed up to the wall. His hand fell to his mouth, stifling his whimpers as tears fell free from his eyes.

Yuri blinked, stunned for a moment before reality hit him. “Oh, shit. Victor, I didn’t mean that. Victor –” Yuri looked around, not knowing what to do. He swore under his breath and looked at Victor, eyes wide. “Fuck, what do you want me to say?”

Victor trembling hand stayed pressed against his mouth as he shook his head. Yuuri knew he didn’t want Yuri to say anything. He needed comfort. And Yuri seemed to realise that too as he moved forward to rapidly knock on their hotel door. “Oi, Freak! I need you!”

Yuuri moved in an instant. He returned to the room and becoming visible before pulling the door open. His eyes fell to Victor who shifted to the floor, knowing exactly what it was that Victor needed. Yuuri knelt beside him and ran his fingers through Victor’s hair as he leaned close and breathed, “Victor.”

Victor’s head rose. He bit his lip to keep his cries at bay as he stared at Yuuri through wet eyes. Yuuri’s arms went around him as he pulled him in. Victor’s clutched at Yuuri, pulling himself close as he cried against Yuuri’s shoulder. Yuuri rocked him side to side, remembering the action last time Victor cried that soothed his tears.

Yuri’s voice was heard from behind as he moved around them, not knowing what to do or what to say. “I – I didn’t mean to make him cry.”

Yuuri glanced up at him. He reminded himself that he had to pretend he hadn’t heard anything as he asked, “What was it that you said?” He wanted to hear it from Yuri too. He wanted to hear Yuri’s thoughts. “Explain it to me, too.”

Yuri blinked rapidly as he thought back. “Uh, he – he told me he was depressed and that his skating was one of the reasons for it. I just said to him that it was just a stumble and that he could get out of it.” Yuri’s eyes glanced between Victor and Yuuri. “I thought it would have helped him. He’s always been so proud of his name, I thought saying he was Victor Nikiforov would have made him realize that he could get out of it.”

Yuuri sighed heavily. He stayed silent as he met Yuri’s eyes and shook his head. It wasn’t from anger. It was only to say that it wasn’t the right thing to say. Yuuri recalled Victor expressing how he felt he couldn’t live up to his own name anymore and Yuuri’s assumption was that it was clearly the cause of Victor’s tears.

“I’m sorry, Victor,” Yuri apologized, moving down to kneel beside Victor too. “I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

Victor raised his head, gasping for breath in between his choked sobs. He found a moment where he took control of them and through his shaky breath, he said, “I – I know. It’s not – not your fault.” His lip wobbled as the cries he bit back broke free and he fell back to Yuuri’s shoulder.

Yuri sighed and as he met Yuuri’s eyes, Yuuri saw a change in the way Yuri looked at him. There was no longer the glare of uncertainty and caution and Yuuri knew that he gained some of Yuri’s trust.

Not all of it, but some.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My bby Victor needs lots of love and hugs ｡ﾟ(ﾟ´Д｀ﾟ)ﾟ｡
> 
> But in some happier (I hope) news, I reached the point where I needed to plan out the rest of my fic. When I first started writing this, I only had Chapters one to seven planned and the ending. Now, I've planned up to Chapter fourteen and that isn't even the end!! I hope you all don't mind a long fic of slow builds and fluff which will slowly begin to appear!
> 
> Victor needs time to help recover while Yuuri needs to learn how to handle his newfound emotions, and those aren't as easy as it sounds. There's so much more that I have planned from learning why the Universe planned Victor's fate to die and Yuuri eventually learning the emotion that is love and more! We still haven't even got Yuuri a last name yet (That will be soon! I promise) So there's plenty more to come!
> 
> If it all goes to plan, not only would this be my longest fic, it'll also be the longest story I've ever written! (*•̀ᴗ•́*)و ̑̑
> 
> This is going to get a little sappy, but thank you to my regular readers (And those who comment on every chapter!) and my new readers! I didn't think this fic would get as much love as it had (And recommended on TWO different blogs on Tumblr! That's insane!!) and it makes me so happy and want to write more. I love this AU and I hope you all are enjoying what I have. Thank you! &Much love!!! <3<3


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy 50 Comments! (ﾉ^ヮ^)ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧  
> (I know it'll say 100, but I reply to every comment, so half of those are mine!)
> 
> But anyway, thank you for all the lovely comments. Hopefully, we can hit 100 soon!

 

 

When Victor woke up with a low groan, Yuuri sat up. Victor rubbed at his tired eyes, stretching before slumping back against his bed. He took a deep breath, easing himself into the morning. Yuuri noticed his eyes. They shared the same look Yuuri saw the first morning he woke up with Victor. His unfocused eyes held no light or life in them, staying fixed to the ceiling with a blank stare.

The emptiness that pushed against Victor’s soul let Yuuri know that today was one of those days where he needed to show Victor comfort. Yuuri wanted to try his best to show it and as he laid down on his side to face Victor, his hand reached out to stroke across Victor’s cheek. Victor moved in with the touch as he raised his hand. His fingertips delicately touched Yuuri’s skin as he wrapped his fingers around Yuuri’s hand, pulling it away and down to press a light kiss against Yuuri’s palm.

Yuuri wasn’t as good at touching or kissing as Victor was. He knew that. But he felt from what he had learned, he knew enough. Yuuri moved forward, shifting his body so he was above Victor’s. He thought back to the first night – to the way Victor’s lips felt against his neck and how his body moved in with him. Yuuri wanted to return the touch. He wanted to show Victor that he could give back what Victor had been giving him.

He started with a kiss. A light, sweet press of his lips against Victor’s before he moved down. He reminded himself how Victor did it to him that night; how Victor’s lips kissed his jawline, down his neck and to his collarbone. Yuuri felt the burn of Victor’s skin against each kiss and with every touch, it lingered – tingling with every press of his mouth.

“Yuuri,” Victor breathed and Yuuri smiled. He moved back up, kissing Victor again, repeating the action until he wanted to give more. He knew the kiss well – well enough to press his tongue forward to meet the warmth of Victor’s mouth.

But Victor didn’t give him the access.

Victor's hands touched Yuuri’s face as he gently moved him back, keeping him away. He met Yuuri's eye and Yuuri knew in an instant that he shouldn't have done that. “Yuuri, don’t,” Victor sighed. “I don’t need that right now.”

Yuuri blinked. “Oh.” He hadn’t realized. He was so caught up in trying to remind himself how Victor did it that he didn’t pay attention to what Victor really needed. He misread him. He thought Victor would have wanted that. “I thought you… Usually you –”

“I know, I know. It’s just…” Victor swallowed hard. His hand cupped the back of Yuuri’s head, encouraging him to lay his head on Victor's chest. Yuuri complied, his arms hugging around Victor. Victor breathed in heavily and Yuuri listened to the beat of his heart. He didn't know why, but hearing it made him feel at ease. “I just want to hold you right now. I’m not in the right… the right place right now for us to do anything.”

“I’m sorry,” Yuuri mumbled. He should have paid more attention to what Victor really needed, not what Yuuri wanted to give him. “What is it that you want?”

“This,” Victor said as his arms circled around Yuuri tighter. “This is what I want us to do today.”

The peace from the silence and the comfort they both felt didn’t last long. Victor’s phone buzzed from an incoming call, but he ignored it. The phone then buzzed and pinged repeatedly and it became too constant to ignore. Victor let out a groan before reaching for his phone.

“I was enjoying a nice day, Yakov.”

Yuuri smiled. He didn’t know why but he felt a huff of laughter sit in the back of his throat. He listened to the conversation and not from eavesdropping this time. From Victor’s responses, Yuuri recalled Yakov telling him Victor had a busy few days ahead of him. Victor, on the other hand, decided that he didn’t.

“I’m not feeling too good today,” Victor told Yakov over the phone. “Tell everyone I’ll do my interviews tomorrow after the medal ceremony. They’ll get their answers at some point. I’m sure they can wait a day.”

There was the distinct voice of Yakov yelling then the muted silence of the call ending. Victor shifted below Yuuri and Yuuri raised his head, watching Victor as he plugged in the charger to his phone. Yuuri moved forward to rest his head against the crook of Victor’s neck and Victor pulled him close, arms around him in a tight embrace.

Yuuri thought to Victor’s conversation with Yakov and he had a thought. “It’s your birthday tomorrow.”

Victor hummed. “It is.”

“I haven’t gotten you a present,” Yuuri said. He hadn’t even thought about it. He never celebrated a birthday before. He knew presents were normally exchanged on the day, or even a card. Yuuri didn’t know what he could give Victor.

He felt Victor’s hand reach for his hair and as his fingers weaved through the strands, Yuuri decided that he liked the feeling. “You don’t have to get me anything,” He heard Victor say. “You’ve already given me enough.”

Yuuri still felt he should get Victor something. He thought hard about the gift but nothing came to mind. He wanted it to be something special – something that nobody else had given him before. But as he laid there and tried to think, he couldn’t come up with any ideas.

Victor’s stomach growled after a while and Yuuri made him get up and order room service. Yuuri was still trying to get used to the idea of eating – or even  _reminding_ himself to eat that when Victor asked him what he wanted, he almost said he didn’t eat. He caught his tongue quick enough to say he’d have what Victor was having.

Once they ate they returned to how they were before, huddled together in a warm cocoon under the covers. Yuuri could easily find bliss in a moment like this. He didn’t know what it was that made him feel so warm but he knew it was a feeling he wanted to stay. He enjoyed doing nothing other than listening to the rhythmic beat of Victor’s heart. He felt at peace just letting the spirit world handle itself for a little while. He never took a break before. He never really thought about it.

Yuuri wondered what would happen if he completely abandoned his role as Death.

He would never do it, not unless the Universe granted him that freedom. It was just a thought he had recently, especially while he had been rather absent in the afterlife. He was everywhere, and nowhere too. But he was here with Victor, and Victor was with him – not in the afterlife, searching for a new life to live. He was here – breathing. And Yuuri knew that Victor wasn’t going to become just a memory, or a skater who took his own life. He was going to live on and change the lives of everyone he meets. And as Yuuri felt Victor’s soft skin beneath his fingertips, and the light touches Victor would soon return, he knew in that moment that he wanted to be with Victor for a long, long time.

Victor’s eyes fluttered open, meeting the browns of Yuuri’s own. “Yuuri,” Victor breathed, catching Yuuri’s attention. “I’ve been thinking a lot about you. Well, about who you were before we met.”

Yuuri raised a brow. “What do you mean?”

“I mean you growing up,” Victor said. “I want to know more about your upbringing.”

Yuuri wasn’t completely oblivious to the idea that Victor would ask him that question. He only hoped Victor wouldn’t ask it so soon. He hadn’t had time to work on his human persona, so a childhood for him did not exist. But Yuuri had a thought. Maybe he didn’t need to come up with a childhood, or a fake family and a fake name. He could continue to say that he did not know.

“There isn’t anything to know,” Yuuri said because he felt that was true. “I don’t really have a story to tell.”

Victor’s eyes held doubt. “I’m sure you must have something to tell me,” He waited for a response. Yuuri gave none. “Your name is Japanese, yes? So you must be from Japan.”

Yuuri thought that was an easy start. He nodded. “Yes, I am.”

“See, there is a story there,” Victor said, smiling at Yuuri. “So you must have had parents. I know you were homeless and you have don’t remember your last name, but I’ve been wondering If you remember your parents at all?”

The closest thing Yuuri could say was a parent was the Universe. But the Universe was his creator and it didn’t feel right if he called the Universe a parent. It was never a thought Yuuri had until now. He shook his head and Victor’s expression fell. “I don’t remember any parents.”

“So, you’ve just… grew up all by yourself?”

There was something about the way Victor’s soul moved that made Yuuri ponder what Victor felt. It was as if his soul reached out to him – something Yuuri had never seen before. His brows dropped as he nodded. Victor stayed frozen for a moment, unblinking and unmoving, until Yuuri felt his fingers wrap around his palm, bringing them up to his lips as he pressed a sweet, delicate peck to his hand.

“It’s always been just me,” Yuuri said as his gaze fell to Victor’s lips. “I meet a lot of people, but it’s always been me.” Yuuri wondered if that was what Victor felt. While Victor had a large group of people who supported him, he still held loneliness in his soul. Yuuri never thought if he was lonely too. He wasn’t certain he knew how to feel that emotion.

“It must have been a very lonely childhood,” Victor murmured and Yuuri finally worked it out. Victor’s soul reached out for him, grasping at what it felt it related to. Victor’s lonely soul felt a connection with Yuuri. It connected with him on an emotional level. Victor moved Yuuri’s hand to his chest, adjusting his palm so it rested against Victor’s heart. Yuuri stared down at his hand before glancing up to meet the spark in Victor’s eyes as he breathed, “I knew you understood me.”

And just like that, Victor’s lonely soul broke like glass. Not like a window, broken and shattered, but a glass bottle filled with a liquid he craved. It cracked and against the dim soul, rays of light broke free, pouring beneath what Victor tried to free himself from for a long time. Yuuri stared in awe. He had never seen a soul with so much fight.

But Victor’s soul wasn’t just fighting back anymore, it was trying to repair itself. And while that journey could be long, treacherous, and painful, Yuuri felt confidence and he hoped Victor felt the same.

“I don’t think I understand you as well as you hope,” Yuuri began, “But I am trying. I want to see your soul shine again.”

Yuuri didn’t realize the words he spoke until they fell from his mouth. He paused to read Victor. His expression hadn’t changed and neither did his soul, which was nothing but relief to Yuuri. He saw Victor swallow hard and Yuuri felt Victor’s own hand resting over his, both touching at Victor’s heart.

“It’s been a bit low lately, hasn’t it?” Victor asked and Yuuri agreed. Victor took a deep breath, closing his eyes, and breathing through his nose before he nodded too. “We can work on healing it together.”

Yuuri felt a push against his chest and it was nothing but a single beat. He moved forward, his lips feeling the desperate want to feel Victor’s and they kissed a single, sweet kiss. It was that moment where Yuuri felt that the consequence of the Universe didn’t matter, because he had helped Victor in more ways than he could possibly imagine.

He helped Victor’s soul heal, and even if he wasn’t completely sure how he did it, he knew he could do it again. He was determined to.

 

* * *

 

 

Watching Victor wake up was something Yuuri would never get used to.

There was something about the way he looked that held Yuuri’s stare. It was how calm and at peace he was, how his worries did not exist as he slept. It was how soft he looked with the sun’s rays draped across his face and Yuuri always felt the need to reach out and feel his smooth skin beneath his fingers.

Victor breathed in hard, stretching his arms above his head as he woke up. His eyes blinked open, adjusting his vision against the light shining on his eyes to meet Yuuri’s stare. It held as neither moved for only a moment before Yuuri smiled down at Victor, and he returned it.

“Happy birthday,” Yuuri said. He had been reminding himself to say it the whole night.

“Thank you Yuuri,” Victor moved to sit up. Yuuri did too. Victor rubbed sleep away from his eyes as he yawned loudly, before saying, “I feel so old.”

“Twenty-eight isn’t old,” Yuuri answered. It wasn’t young either, but Yuuri couldn’t say it was old. “You’re at a good age.”

Victor shrugged. “I don’t feel twenty-eight. I feel… I don’t know. I just feel like I’m existing.”

“You are,” Yuuri replied and Victor turned to meet his eyes. “It doesn’t matter what age you are, you would feel like you’re existing. But it’s because you are.”

“I guess,” He shrugged, not feeling any better about his age. Yuuri sighed heavily. He had tried, but he was disappointed he couldn’t help completely. Victor then moved from the bed, getting up to get himself dressed as he said, “We have a busy day today.”

“You have a busy day,” Yuuri said as he got himself dressed too. He continued to wear Victor’s clothes. Victor had told him they would shop once they return to Saint Petersburg and Yuuri had to fight the urge to say that he liked wearing Victor’s clothes. “You have your medal ceremony today.”

“And my exhibition skate,” Victor added. He turned, now fully dressed. “I’m not looking forward to it but I have to do it. I might as well just get it out of the way.”

Yuuri knew how much Victor didn’t like his exhibition skate. He said it wasn’t because Yakov choreographed it. Yakov was talented at that too, but Victor said it didn’t feel like him. It didn’t scream “This is Victor Nikiforov’s skate,” But more, “Here is Victor’s attempt, yet again.” That was how Victor felt it was like.

“At least the skate won’t be scored,” Yuuri said in his attempt to ease Victor’s worry.

He shrugged and turned away. “With the way people talk about my skating, they might as well.”

Yuuri noticed Victor turning away from his help. As much as Yuuri had wanted his words to ease his worry, he knew they wouldn’t do anything today. He wished they did, but he knew there wasn’t much else he could do to show his support.

But he did know something he could try.

He rested a hand on Victor’s cheek, turning his head back to meet Yuuri’s eyes again. Yuuri leaned in, kissing Victor gently on the lips – but nothing more. He didn’t want to overstep again, not like he did the morning before. Their noses touch as they linger, but neither went in for another. Yuuri moved further in, coming close to Victor’s ear as he breathed, “Today will be fine. Once it’s over, we’re going back home.”

Victor pulled back, staring at Yuuri wide-eyed. He swallowed hard as he nodded with a weak smile on his face. “Yeah,” He murmured. “We’re going home soon.”

Yuuri didn’t know if it eased Victor’s worries, but he knew it gave Victor some reassurance, and that was better than nothing.

 

* * *

 

 

Victor received his bronze medal as Yuri received his silver.

Yuuri watched him from his seat. Victor smiled as he should and looked proud of his win, but Yuuri knew that it wasn’t true. His smile held only a false sense of happiness – one he showed to the cameras. Victor felt disappointment. He felt misery. And Yuuri felt the tug of guilt pulling at his insides which hadn’t stopped since Victor’s first skate.

Yuuri was certain about two things. The first was that regardless to the Universe trying to fight back against Yuuri’s choice, he knew it was a choice that he was never going to change. Him saving Victor’s life was a choice he was certain about and nothing the Universe would throw at him could ever change his mind.

The second was that his guilt was slowly becoming less obvious to himself. He felt guilty that him changing Victor’s fate caused Victor more misery than he had hoped, but Victor’s soul had improved. Yuuri watched his soul fight back and break through the darkened haze of self-hatred. His soul improved and Yuuri felt he contributed to that. He helped Victor in a way he thought he wouldn’t be able to do and that made his guilt feel less strongly.

It still pulled at his insides, tugging a heavy feeling of dread, but Yuuri reminded himself of how Victor’s soul looked and he felt a little better.

Yuuri knew that he would save Victor from whatever consequence the Universe threw at him, but it only encouraged Yuuri to ask himself why – why was Victor different from everyone else and why did Yuuri choose to save him in the first place.

It was something Yuuri just couldn’t figure out. He always felt that pull towards Victor. It began the moment Yuuri saw him when he was twenty-two. And now he’s twenty-eight and Yuuri still couldn’t understand the feeling. There was something about his soul. Something that made Yuuri feel a feeling he never experienced. But Victor was more than just his soul.

Victor was more. He was so much more.

He made Yuuri feel more than he ever felt in his entire existence. Yuuri never felt the warm, fluttery feeling he gets when he watches Victor sleep. He never felt the pull and heavy feeling of dread when he thinks about Victor’s consequence. And he’s never felt the simple pleasure of wanting to kiss somebody and feel their hands over him. He was still trying to work out why that was a need he felt, but he knew it was a nice feeling that made him more than just warm.

Victor opened up a new part of Yuuri he didn’t know exist, and Yuuri wanted to return something back. He knew he would protect Victor at whatever cost, and Yuuri pondered if that was his new feelings encouraging his actions.

But the feelings were new and he still couldn’t figure them out.

Victor’s exhibition skate, Yuuri didn’t know if it was the Universe affecting his skate or Victor himself, but it seemed as if he didn’t put any effort or heart into it. Yuuri enjoyed watching it, but he could see Victor’s soul held no enjoyment towards that skate. And his jumps, well, after the first jump Victor stumbled on he didn’t add any more.

Yuuri had the assumption that the Universe had targeted both. While the Universe would make Victor feel worse about his skating, Victor’s skating itself was only going to get worse from there. It wasn’t bad, but it was going to be.

Yuuri met up with him afterwards. Victor’s smiles continued to be fake and forced. But when he smiled at Yuuri, it felt different. His eyes smiled with him, glistening with an emotion that Yuuri couldn’t read. It didn’t matter what emotion it was because Yuuri knew it was kind – something that made Yuuri’s insides feel a flutter.

Many people congratulated Victor and Victor would reply with a thank you. That would never just be it. The moment Victor’s back turned, Yuuri found out why he disliked the way they spoke. They were all smiles and kindness to his face, but bitter and spiteful behind his back. Yuuri overheard a few and he knew Victor did too by the growing sorrow against his soul.

Some would talk about his future as if they were in control of it. Others would suggest that Victor had overstayed his career and that he shouldn’t continue to try. But most that Yuuri heard were about Victor himself. His skating was mentioned, but some of the words he heard people say about Victor made Yuuri feel a growing fit of fire burning inside.

“It’s pathetic that he’s still trying,” He heard one person say.

“Why doesn’t he just give up?” Said another.

“He’s wasting away. I wonder how many sponsors he’s lost this skate.”

“I guess he’s nothing but a pretty face now. How unfortunate.”

“He’s trying too hard. No wonder he’s out of ideas and surprises,” He heard someone say to their partner. “If I were him, I’d just give up. He’s about as good as dead if he can’t surprise people anymore.”

Victor had heard that and Yuuri knew by the way the cracks in his soul rebuilt, hiding his true light. Yuuri gave him silent support throughout the others but that had Yuuri grip his wrist and pull Victor away from them. He didn’t want Victor hearing those words anymore.

Yuuri dragged him away for the fourth time that day. He pulled Victor down a hall and into an empty bathroom. He locked the door, not wanting anyone to come in and turned to Victor. He didn’t understand what Yuuri was doing. Yuuri moved forward and pressed his palms against Victor’s ears, silencing the world around him as they met with each other’s eyes. That was what Yuuri wanted him to concentrate on: the care that held in his eyes.

It did enough to keep his tears back. A few had fallen, but he never broke down.

When Victor’s eyes dried, Yuuri’s hands fell to his shoulders as he asked, “Are you okay?” Victor squeezed his eyes shut and nodded. Yuuri wasn’t convinced. “Are you sure?”

“No,” Victor muttered. His arms circled around Yuuri’s waist. He buried his head into Yuuri’s neck as Yuuri returned the embrace. Victor took a deep, shaky breath as he said, “I just… I just want to stay here for a bit.”

Yuuri was happy to stay there for as long as Victor needed. He held Victor until he decided he needed to return outside. He was reluctant to go, but he knew he couldn’t hide away forever. He had to face the crowds at some point and Yuuri assured him that he could stay by his side. His hands would always find a way to show Victor some support, whether it pressed to the low of Victor’s back or delicately wrapped around his palm, Yuuri tried to find a way.

And before they knew it, the day was done. Victor returned to his hotel room with a bronze medal in hand and another competition in just over a month.

The first thing Victor did when they stepped into the room was dropping his medal to the side and fell flat on his back on the bed, taking a long, well needed deep breath. Yuuri moved to sit beside him, watching his chest rise and fall as he breathed.

“The day is done,” Yuuri said. Victor met his eyes and nodded.

“The day is done,” He repeated. “The day is finally done.”

And it ended with them how they usually ended their day; curled together in a warm embrace, finding comfort in the presence of each other. And as Yuuri watched Victor fall asleep that night, he found himself moving on autopilot as he moved forward, pressing a light kiss to the crown of his head.

And as Yuuri nestled Victor’s head close to his chest, he missed the small smile that pulled against Victor’s lips.

 

* * *

 

 

When the morning began to slowly creep in and Victor was deep in sleep, Yuuri pulled away from his grasp to adventure outside.

As much as Victor had said he didn’t mind that Yuuri hadn’t gotten him anything, Yuuri didn’t like the way the thought sat in his mind. He wanted to give something to Victor, even if it was something little.

And as Yuuri ventured out into the early morning, invisible to the world, he began his search for something simple.

There was something bittersweet about being out at that time. The silence of souls sleeping soundly felt calming, but the unnerving silence that surrounded the outside world didn’t sit right. Even Yuuri, who lived on that planet for decades still found the silence of night time unsettling.

Yuuri searched through as many different stores as he could, hoping to find one that had something that would catch his eye. He would prefer it to be a special gift, but at the same time, he was happy to settle with anything. As long as he got something for Victor, he could surprise him with a present.

In between searching, Yuuri found a park. Its long fields of grass were covered in a thick layer of snow and the trees crystalized from ice stood tall. Nobody roamed the park. It was silent, even with a lack of souls roaming the place. The park was silent and still.

Yuuri didn’t know why he wanted to take a walk through. It seemed oddly peaceful walking through an empty park – no life or souls around him. It took him back; back to when he was first created, and it was just him and the Universe, slowly building, creating, and destroying. Back then, long before the earth was even created, his only worries were the death of a star.

Everything seemed so simple back then.

His eyes fell on a bed of flowers. A layer of ice covered them but it didn’t completely hide the true color that sat beneath. In the mix of whites, reds, and yellows, were a group of lavender roses. Yuuri’s brows twitched, eyeing the roses before he moved closer to smell their sweet aroma. He touched the rose, feeling the petals that had a strange texture beneath his fingertips, mixing with the ice that chipped away. He picked one, eyeing the lavender rose in hand as he came to a decision.

This would be the gift he would give to Victor.

He picked another rose, grabbing exactly eleven. He held them close to his chest, not wanting to lose any in the cold winds that started to blow. Yuuri stared down at the roses and hoped Victor would like them. It was a simple gift, something he knew humans typically brought someone. But as Yuuri held his stare, he felt they had more meaning than just that. There was something about them that made him feel as if they were exactly what he wanted to find.

Happy with his choice, he turned to leave. He walked along the barely visible pathway, heading towards the exit when he stopped in his tracks. His eyes landed on a body that rested on a park bench. Yuuri tilted his head, staring at the figure that didn’t move. The man must have been sleeping. He walked over and the closer he got, the sooner he realized that the man must have been homeless. His scruffy, torn coat did nothing to keep the man warm and his mattered hair fell across his face. He looked peaceful in his sleep. Yuuri’s hand touched his shoulder, shaking him to wake up, but he didn’t.

That was when Yuuri caught the lack of soul.

He stepped back and stood tall, eyes scanning around the area. He could now sense the soul. It lingered, list between the veil of life and death. His eyes landed on a figure standing by the frozen pond, staring down at the waters as if there was something there he was searching for. Yuuri stepped closer and knew it was the soul he was looking for.

“It’s a lovely morning, isn’t it?” Yuuri said as he stepped beside the man. The man turned, startled by the sound of Yuuri’s voice. “The snow makes everything look different.”

The man let out a single laugh as he turned back to face the pond. “I would say I’ve had better.” There was a pause. “Would you believe me if I told you I just died?”

Yuuri stared at the man who didn’t meet his gaze. “I would, yes.”

The man took a deep breath, not that it would have mattered anymore. He was dead. Yet it was still an automatic response even in death. “So, what, are you some kind of Medium or something?” The man asked. “Or are you dead, just like me?”

“I am neither,” Yuuri answered as he turned back to the pond. “I am here to help you.”

The man’s head flinched towards Yuuri, finally looking at him. Yuuri turned to meet his eyes as the man demanded, “How can you possibly help me?”

Yuuri smiled to himself, keeping his gaze fixed as he answered, “I am Death.”

There was a long pause as the man took in what Yuuri just said. There was nothing but the silent whistle of the wind. Even the light flurries of snow didn’t utter a sound. Between the silence, the man gawked. His eyes blinked rapidly in complete disbelief, staring at Yuuri as he doubted his word.

He was struggling to believe Yuuri, which wasn’t new. “If I can believe that you are dead, you can believe that I am Death,” Yuuri spoke with a sly smile.

“But you don’t look like Death,” The man argued, shaking his head side to side. Yuuri sighed. He was another who believed the false image of what Yuuri ‘should’ look like. “I just find it hard to believe you. I’m sorry.”

Yuuri didn’t mind because he always knew a way to prove who he was. His arm rested across the man’s shoulders as he turned the man away from the pond. In an instant, Yuuri let him see the light. It appeared before them, bright as the snow that glistened against its shine. The man’s eyes widened, staring at the light with his mouth dropped and his face in awe.

“Do you believe me now?” Yuuri asked. The man gave a muted nod. Yuuri smiled and just as quickly as before, the light disappeared. Yuuri removed his arm from the man as he took a step back. They met each other’s stare. “Come walk with me.”

And they walked. Their footsteps were silent as they walked along. The snow didn’t crunch beneath their feet, nor were any footprints left behind. It was as if neither were really there. Yuuri walked with the man, talking to him for a while. Yuuri did enjoy talking with spirits sometimes. He enjoyed listening to their stories as they relive a life they would never return to. It also helped some move on, which was what he was trying to do to the man. The man knew the light was where he needed to be, but something was holding him back.

“I had a daughter,” The man said after a while. “She was everything to me. Her mother left when she was two weeks old, leaving her in my care. I struggled to raise her. I tried my best, but my life fell out of my own hands and now she is gone.”

“I’m sorry,” Yuuri said. There was a pause. “What had happened to her?”

“I struggled to find a job. Eventually, it got to the point where I had no money to support either of us and I had to give her up,” The man breathed in heavily. “Her mother wanted nothing to do with her. I couldn’t support her. I had no choice but to give her up for adoption. She would have a better life that way.”

“Is she the reason why you can’t move on?” Yuuri asked and the man nodded.

“I want to know if she’s okay,” He fell silent. He then stopped walking and turned to face Yuuri. Yuuri stared at him, waiting for him to speak. “I – Is she okay?”

Yuuri didn’t want to lie. “I don’t know.”

The man swallowed hard. “Can you find out?” He asked. “I want to know if she’s okay. I feel like I can’t move on if I know she isn’t.”

Yuuri couldn’t know unless she had died. Yuuri only knew in death. The man was asking about her life and while Yuuri didn’t know that, he knew she hadn’t died either. It wasn’t the answer to the man’s question, but Yuuri hoped it was enough to ease some worry. “I can assure you that she hasn’t died. But I can’t know how she is in life.”

The man paused, thinking. “Do you think she will be okay?” He asked. “As long as you think she will be, I will be happy enough with that.”

“Yes,” Yuuri said without hesitation. “She will be perfectly okay.”

The man closed his eyes and nodded. Yuuri knew that now was the time. He was ready to leave. Yuuri allowed him to see the light and the man turned to it, eyeing it with hesitant eyes – but he was ready. He turned to Yuuri for a brief moment, eyes landing on the bouquet of lavender roses in hand.

“What a strange choice for Death to make. Lavender roses.” The man smiled as he turned away, staring at the light. “I know a little about roses and their meanings. Lavender roses are very lovely.”

Yuuri glanced at the bouquet, wondering the meaning behind them. He looked back to the man. “What do they mean?”

“I can’t remember the full meaning, but I know this. Lavender roses offer a reminder. It tells whoever you give them to that you’d want to develop your relationship with them,” The man answered, keeping his eyes on the light. “That isn’t the full meaning, but it’s part of it.”

Yuuri’s eyes fell back to the eleven roses that rested in his arms. He wanted to ask more but as he glanced back up, he only caught a glimpse of the man before he disappeared, along with the light. Yuuri thought more about the roses in his hands. The meaning felt real. It was something Yuuri wanted. And Yuuri walked back to the hotel, he couldn’t stop thinking about the meaning. He stepped inside their hotel room and saw Victor’s peaceful, sleeping form. Victor’s arm stretched out across the bed where Yuuri had laid, his hand grasping at the sheets as if he was searching for Yuuri.

Yuuri knew in that moment that the flowers were more than just a meaningless gift.

There were many meanings Yuuri saw behind the roses. The development of Yuuri himself through just being with Victor the first thought to Yuuri’s mind. Yuuri also wanted to develop his relationship with Victor, wanting to explore things Yuuri had never experienced before. Victor offered him so much and the roses were more than just a birthday gift. They were his appreciation.

And he was going to let Victor know the meaning behind the flowers because they represented everything Yuuri wanted.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there's an interesting meaning behind lavender roses and how many you give to somebody.
> 
> Lavender roses:  
> \- Love at first sight or just an enchanting way to say, "I love you!" Lavender roses can offer a daily reminder of your love and eagerness to grow your relationship.  
> \- Eleven roses assure the recipient they are truly and deeply loved
> 
> Oh, Yuuri (´♡`ʃƪ) Such a romantic! Even if he doesn't realize it....!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for 1000 hits!!! (ノ^♡^)ノ

 

“Yuuri?” Victor’s voice called from inside the bathroom. Yuuri glanced up from packing Victor’s suitcase to stare up at the door.

“Yes?” Yuuri called back.

Victor emerged from the bathroom with the eleven lavender roses in hand. Yuuri stood straight, his mind working to explain why he put them in the bathroom. He had wanted to surprise Victor with them once he woke up, but he had forgotten both that humans needed to use the bathroom unlike him, and that he forgot the roses altogether.

Victor raised the bouquet towards Yuuri but his eyes never left the roses in hand. “What are these?”

Yuuri fumbled with his hands. He tried to remind himself how he was going to word out his gift. He had a speech planned with words he thought would bring a little more light to Victor’s soul, but as he stared between the roses and Victor, it had gone. He then cleared his throat, deciding to just speak his mind.

“Well, I know you said that you didn’t want a gift for your birthday, but I wanted to get you something,” Yuuri explained and Victor looked up. “And I know it’s not your birthday anymore, but I still wanted to try and get you something.”

Victor stepped closer. “These are beautiful, Yuuri,” He said as his eyes scanned over the lavender. He raised them to his nose, smelling the sweet aroma. “Wow. These are – thank you, Yuuri. When did you get them?”

“Last night – well, this morning,” Yuuri said. “I was searching for something I could get you and I came across these. I thought you’d like them.”

Victor’s face softened, smiling sheepishly as he held the flowers close to his chest. His eyes glanced up and met Yuuri’s. He moved, placing the flowers on the bed and came to a stop when he stood in front of Yuuri. He leaned in, eyes closed and forehead pressed against Yuuri’s.

“Thank you, Yuuri,” Victor said just above a whisper.

Yuuri wanted to reply but instead, Victor gently leaned in and kissed Yuuri’s lips. Victor’s hands found Yuuri’s as he grasped for them, holding them in his own as he pulled Yuuri closer. The next kiss deepened, more passionate than demanding. The warmth of Victor’s lips and his fingertips tracing across Yuuri’s skin left him in want and Yuuri savored each touch.

Victor pulled back and breathed in a shaky, shallow breath. Yuuri opened his eyes, meeting Victor’s blue ones. Yuuri opened his mouth, wanting to speak but the words got stuck in his throat. He gripped Victor’s hands tight, wanting to keep him close as he finally found the right words to speak.

“Somebody told me lavender roses are a reminder to who receives them that you want to develop your relationship,” Yuuri spoke, remembering the man’s words. “I wanted the flowers to mean more than just a birthday gift. I felt that was rather fitting, I think.”

Victor didn’t react. He held his stare, wide-eyed and mouth agape. He neither spoke or moved. Every muscle of his body just froze before a single tear fell from his eye and Yuuri gasped. Victor’s hand fell to his mouth, stifling his sobs and Yuuri felt something rip inside him.

“V – Victor! I’m sorry, I didn’t – I didn’t mean to –!” His words fell silent as Victor pressed a desperate kiss to his lips. Yuuri gasped into it, startled by the sudden action but soon, he fell into bliss and he delved into it.

Victor pulled back when a light laugh fell from his lips. He kissed Yuuri once more, smiling as he did. There was something about Victor’s laugh that had Yuuri want to hear it again, and as he saw Victor’s smile reach his eyes, Yuuri wanted to see it more.

And Victor’s smile held as he breathed, “You don’t understand how thankful I am that I met you that night.”

Yuuri’s insides did an instant flip, fluttering with a heavy feeling in his chest. It stopped him from breathing – from thinking. It was warm and sweet, startling more so but Yuuri enjoyed the feeling. Yuuri couldn’t stop himself as he returned the smile. And their eyes never turned away.

That is if Yakov hadn’t banged his fist on Victor’s door, demanding the two to be ready in five minutes.

 

* * *

 

Being back in Saint Petersburg felt strange.

There wasn’t anything that was supposed to make it feel like so, but there was something that felt strange returning back after being away for a while. Yuuri felt as if he was pleased to be back. One thing he couldn’t stop thinking of was lying in Victor’s bed. He didn’t know why but being in Victor’s bed felt more satisfying than being in a hotel’s bed. Which Yuuri couldn’t make any sense of. There wasn’t any difference between Victor’s bed and the hotels' bed. But if Yuuri was given a choice, he would choose Victor’s.

They entered the home and where Yuuri thought Victor would have wanted to rest, he instead dragged Yuuri into the laundry room, along with his suitcase. Victor took that as his opportunity to show Yuuri how to properly to the laundry. He showed Yuuri that he didn’t need to use so much detergent and that clothes were typically washed in specific colors. Yuuri still felt the machine was at fault for the bubbles that wreaked havoc in the room, but he didn’t mention it.

Yuri came over after a while. It was unexpected and when Yuuri opened the door to find him standing there, he couldn’t help but ask what his appearance was for.

“Yuri?” He gaped. “What are you doing here?”

Yuri’s brows dropped. “What the hell do you mean by that?” He snapped before moving past Yuuri, storming inside the home. “I’m here to see you and Victor. Just checking to see if the old man is… you know… okay, and shit.”

Yuuri couldn’t help but smile. Yuri tried to hide it, but he truly did care for Victor. Victor stepped towards the two, his brows dropped as his eyes landed on Yuri. “Oh, Yurio,” Victor said, “What are you doing here?”

“Why is everyone asking why I’m here? Am I not allowed to visit anymore?” Yuri demanded. “And my name is not Yurio.”

Victor huffed out a laugh and ignored him. He gestured to the two to get comfortable. Yuri had no problem doing so. He sprawled himself across the couch, taking up the whole chair. Yuuri sat on the arm chair, choosing to sit down before Victor took a seat.

Victor paused at the doorway to the kitchen as he turned to the two and asked, “Would you two like anything to drink?”

Yuuri said no, as usual. Yuri hadn’t, taking the advantage of having a soda. Victor left the room, leaving the two to themselves. Yuri kept his focus onto Yuuri. Yuri’s eyes bored into him, staring at him as if he was still trying to figure something out. Yuuri wanted to speak, but he didn’t know what to say.

Yuri glanced back to the kitchen then back to Yuuri as he spoke lowly, “While Victor isn’t here, I can say what I want to say to you.” Yuuri blinked at him, wondering what he wanted to talk about. “It’s about that night when I made Victor cry.”

Yuuri remembered it. He also remembered Yuri asking him for help, something that he still didn’t expect him to do. “What about it?”

Yuri stayed silent as he thought of the right words to say. “You and Victor… What I saw you do took me by surprise. I didn’t think you’d show him that kind of support,” He began. Yuuri stayed quiet, listening. “You really aren’t after his fame and money, are you?”

Yuuri shook his head. “Never. Fame and money mean nothing to me.”

Yuri swallowed hard and nodded, agreeing with him. “You’ve earned some of my trust. But only some. There is still something I can’t work out about you, and while I still feel that, I can’t show you all of my trust.”

Yuuri agreed. As long as he had some trust from Yuri, he felt that he had accomplished something. “Thank you, Yuri,” He smiled.

There was a pause. “Is he always like that?”

“The crying?” Yuuri asked and he nodded. Yuuri thought about it. “Sometimes. When he gets scared, or worried, or if he doesn’t know how to handle something emotionally, he tends to cry.”

Yuri opened his mouth to reply but the kitchen door swung open, silencing what Yuri had to say. Victor stepped inside, two drinks in hand. He moved to the end of the couch, shifting Yuri’s feet away and sat where there was space for him. He turned to the two, a faint smile on his lips as he said, “I hope you two weren’t talking about me.”

“No,” They said in unison. They knew Victor was joking, but the fear of it not being a joke made them both jump to denial.

Victor didn’t seem to notice their quick denial, to their relief. He placed his cup on the coffee table that sat in front of him and turned to Yuri. “So, Yurio. Why have you graced us with your presence today?” Victor asked with a light-hearted joke. “I would have thought Yakov would be keeping you under lock and key until next competition, being you won silver.”

Yuri scoffed. “As if he’d forget he had other skaters he needed to train. I’d find a way to escape that, anyway.” Yuri paused for a moment, his brows furrowed. “I just – I just wanted to know if you were okay. After that night and with our winnings and shit, I haven’t had chance to really… ask you.”

Victor's mouth fell open as he stared. Slowly, it formed into a warm smile. “I’m okay, Yuri. Thank you for being concerned.”

“It’s not just that,” Yuri said, sitting up straight. “Are you going to speak to Yakov about this?”

There was a heavy silence that followed. Yuuri stared between the two, wondering what Victor would say and how Yuri would react. Victor took a deep breath before shaking his head. “No. Not yet. Not until I work out what I’m doing with my career.”

“So you’re going to retire?”

“I don’t know yet,” Victor corrected. “I don’t want to. Not yet, anyway. But I – I can’t retire now. Not while everyone is expecting me to.”

“But Yakov still deserves to know,” Yuri said. “He can help you find someone to talk to about this. Have you even thought about that yet, seeing a therapist?”

Yuuri didn’t think of that himself. He was so caught up in trying to help Victor himself, he didn’t think to tell Victor to see a professional. He saw Victor shake his head. “Not really. I didn’t think that I needed to, but after what happened back in France, I think maybe I should –” Victor froze, hand slapping to his mouth to stop himself from speaking.

Yuuri stared wide-eyed between Victor and Yuri. Victor mentioned something happened in France, something that Victor hadn’t spoken about to anyone besides Yuuri. Yuuri caught Yuri’s glare towards him, but his eyes held concern. He caught on what Victor had said.

Yuuri knew he wasn’t going to ignore what Victor had said, and Victor had known too from the way his soul pulled and ached. Yuri leaned forward, keeping his glare focused on Victor as he demanded, “What the hell do you mean by that? What happened in France?”

Victor breathing in a shaky breath, swallowing hard. He turned his gaze away, meeting Yuuri’s eyes and they almost begged for help. Yuuri moved forward instantly, wanting to be closer to Victor. Yuri glared between the two and repeated his demand. “What happened in France?”

“Nothing,” Victor shook his head. “Don’t worry about it.”

Yuri didn’t listen. He shifted in his seat, sitting crossed legged. “I’m going to worry about it, Victor,” Yuri paused. “Something happened, didn’t it?”

Victor continued to deny, keeping his gaze away. “Nothing happened Yuri.”

There was a pause. “Look at me,” Yuri demanded. Victor hesitated but eventually, he turned his head, looking at Yuri. “Something happened in France. You can’t just say something did and deny it. I think I deserve to know.”

There was a thick silence as Victor closed his eyes. Yuuri knew he was struggling but while Yuri demanded so much, he couldn’t show his support without giving Yuri the confirmation that something _did_ happen. But something had, and Yuuri didn’t know if Victor was going to tell Yuri or not.

Then Victor took a deep breath, breathing hard through his nose before opening his eyes. He stared towards Yuri, keeping his eyes focused as he said, “I will tell you when I’m ready.”

“But Victor, I –”

“I’m not ready to tell you yet, Yuri,” Victor spoke over him. Yuuri could see the clogs in Yuri’s head getting to work, trying to figure out what it was Victor was hiding. He wanted to find out, even if Victor didn’t tell him. “You will know one day, but not now.”

His brows stayed pressed together, his mind working hard to find an answer. And the moment Yuri’s face dropped, Yuuri knew he figured it out. He recoiled back, mouth dropped open and eyes wide as he spoke just above a whisper, “Please don’t tell me you tried to kill yourself.”

Victor didn’t reply for a moment. “Yuri –”

Yuri shook his head, “Victor, I swear to God, if that’s the reason –”

“– I will tell you when –”

“Victor, don’t say you–”

“– Tell you when I’m ready.”

“Victor!” Yuri snapped and Victor turned away. “You tried to kill yourself, didn’t you?”

Victor stayed silent, biting his lip. He closed his eyes as he said with force, “I will tell you when I am ready.” Yuri’s mouth fell open to speak again but Yuuri moved forward, knowing he needed to interfere.

“Yuri,” He said and Yuri paused. “Victor will tell you when he’s ready. You need to wait for him to come to you, okay?” Yuuri knew he wouldn’t quit trying to get the truth, but Victor needed Yuri to step back for a moment to let him breathe. Yuuri needed to try and ease some of Yuri’s worry.

“I –” Yuri paused. He swallowed hard before nodding. “Okay.” Yuuri could see he wasn’t completely over the subject, but it was enough to keep him silent about it for the moment. “Okay, I’ll – I’ll wait.”

“Thank you, Yuri,” Victor said, smiling while trying to bite back the tears that threatened to escape his eyes. He breathed in heavily, taking control of his emotions. “Just keep this from Yakov for the moment. I will tell him, just as I will tell you too. I just – I need to get my mind in the right place first. I hope you understand.”

“I’m trying to,” Yuri said. “But I guess I don’t know much about depression.”

Yuuri smiled. “At least you’re trying.” And Yuri smiled back.

 

* * *

 

Yuuri learned that regardless that Victor just finished a competition, he still had to go to practice just as much as he did before.

Which had Yuuri with mixed feelings.

On one hand, it was great. While Victor was out of the house, Yuuri had plenty of time to tend to the afterlife. His disappearance wouldn’t be suspicious or noticed as he would be alone. But the afterlife always had to wait until he finished helping Victor out first. Yuuri liked to help clean his home, making it so Victor had a tidy house to come home to.

He felt it was a good balance. He had time to help Victor and see him, as well as keeping up with what he was created for.

What Yuuri found he didn’t like was whenever Victor left, he felt this light ache inside. It wasn’t the same as his feeling of guilt. It was different. He couldn’t stop thinking about Victor. He could be trying to vacuum the house when Victor would just appear in his mind. He could be talking to a spirit and they’d say something that would remind Yuuri of Victor. He never seemed to leave Yuuri’s mind when he was gone.

Yuuri found the ache would disappear when Victor came home. And Yuuri discovered he just wanted Victor back by his side.

It made Yuuri feel an irritation towards himself. He knew he couldn’t keep Victor all to himself. Victor had a life outside of Yuuri and he didn’t want to keep Victor away from it. He had friends he would want to see. He had a career, which seemed undecided for the moment, but he still had one. And Yuuri, all he had was Victor. Yuuri had no friends, no career, nothing besides a world outside of Victor’s wildest imagination. And Yuuri began to wonder if he really could live a life as a human.

It wasn’t that he didn’t think he could pass off as one. He had been doing so for most of December and the only one who openly had their suspicions on him was Yuri. He didn’t know if Victor had too. He knew Victor thought he was weird, but that was it. Besides his weird demeanor, Yuuri felt he was doing a pretty good job. He just struggled to understand a few things.

Much like the new year. He couldn’t understand the celebration and enjoyment of a new year, so when Victor came home from practice one day and asked him if he wanted to do anything, Yuuri said no.

“I don’t really see the excitement of celebrating a new year,” Yuuri said, shrugging off his comment. He then wondered why Victor would ask him that before it hit him. “If you want to do something, we can.”

Victor shook his head. “No. I’m rather glad you said no, actually,” He let out a weak laugh, scratching the back of his head. “I didn’t want to do anything, so I thought I’d ask if you wanted to. You know, just in case.”

Yuuri thought about it for a moment. “I never celebrated the new year,” He said. “I still don’t really want to. It always feels anti-climactic.”

“I do quite enjoy having a drink, but this year feels different. I don’t want to celebrate this year,” Victor sighed, shaking his head. He moved to the couch, laying on his back as he rested his head against Yuuri’s leg. “There is a lot I want from next year, but this year… I would like for it to end.”

Yuuri had never thought about what he wanted from the new year, nor what he wanted to forget about the previous year. It never seemed to be something he thought was important. It didn’t matter what year it was, Yuuri did the same thing year after year. It seemed pointless for him to think what he wanted to change.

But this year was different. For the first time, he would be ending the year a way he never had before; in the arms of someone he wanted to protect, pretending to be a human.

It seemed baffling when Yuuri thought about it. Of all the years he’s existed amongst humans – of all the souls he met, not one had changed Yuuri as much as Victor had. A few had made him think of something differently while others taught him words which he never knew existed. He had learned from others, but he never really changed.

As he stared down at Victor, he wasn’t staring at just any old human. He was looking at someone who taught Yuuri so much about himself and Victor didn’t even know. He opened a new part of Yuuri, one where he began to feel. And even though Yuuri still didn’t completely understand how that could be, he knew that whatever reason it was for his change, he would be forever thankful.

 

* * *

 

Yuuri disliked the fact that he found an evil spirit on Victor’s day off.

It was roaming around the streets and Yuuri sensed it outside of Victor’s home. He felt tempted to ignore it. When Victor had a day off, he enjoyed spending the day in bed with Yuuri. It was one of his days where he could turn himself off and hide away from a world that hurt, and he could relax in the arms of someone he found comfort with. Yuuri wanted to give Victor that day, but the evil soul that sat outside of his home had Yuuri irritable.

He tried to ignore it the best he could, deciding that Victor was more important than the spirit for the moment. The evil spirit could wait a few minutes. But the longer Yuuri ignored it, the more he felt as if it was taunting him, egging him on to go outside and deal with it.

Eventually, he couldn’t ignore it any longer. He needed it to move on.

With a deep heavy sigh, Yuuri glanced towards Victor. He was once occupied by something on his phone, but now his eyes held worry as he stared towards Yuuri. He must have known something was bothering Yuuri, who didn’t know how to explain his irritation.

“Victor, I need to sort something out,” Yuuri said as he made a move to sit up. He turned to get to his feet but when Victor’s hand gripped around his wrist, he paused and turned, staring at Victor.

“Yuuri, where are you going?” He asked, looking desperate to keep Yuuri close. Yuuri couldn’t come up with an excuse quick enough before Victor spoke again. “Can you come back to bed?”

Yuuri wanted to. He really did. But as he looked over where the evil soul was, he knew he couldn’t ignore it. He needed to move it on before it caused havoc. It would have been different if it was a common soul. While the worst that could happen to a common soul was rare, it was different to an evil soul. As he turned to face Victor, he found it hard having to come to a choice.

But Yuuri knew he needed to. It was his role in the Universe.

He leaned in close to Victor, pressing their foreheads together. “Victor, listen to me,” Yuuri began and Victor stayed silent. “I can’t tell you what I need to sort out. But trust me when I say I will not be long.” Victor continued to say nothing and Yuuri feared he didn’t trust him anymore. “Please. Like when I promised I would be in Russia when you traveled here from France. I will not be long, I promise.”

Victor breathed in hard. He looked pained. His brows pressed together, eyes closed as he bit hard on his bottom lip. Eventually, he nodded. Yuuri knew it wasn’t as genuine as he wanted but Victor gave him the go ahead, and Yuuri had a spirit to tend to.

He pressed a hard kiss to Victor’s lips, hoping it would translate that he was thankful. He quickly threw on a pair of jeans and a jumper before leaving the bedroom. He couldn’t look back. Now while Victor looked the way he had.

Yuuri stepped outside, invisible to the world except to the spirit that waited. They met eyes and Yuuri saw in an instant how pained his soul was. It ached and suffered through the man’s choices in life. It succumbed to his evil and what his once beautiful soul used to be was no more – hidden beneath the man’s evil doings.

“I have been waiting for you,” The man said and Yuuri held his glare. He couldn’t know if he would be difficult to move on or not, but Yuuri hoped he wouldn’t be. He wanted to get back to Victor sooner rather than later.

“I’m sure you could wait for a few minutes,” Yuuri replied. He crossed his arms. “So, you know who I am?”

The man huffed. “No. I have no idea who you are.” The man stared Yuuri up and down, almost judgingly. “I came across this street and I saw this house. I felt like I needed to be here. The moment I saw you, I knew I was waiting for you.”

“I think you need to leave,” Yuuri said and the man raised a brow. “It’s time to move on. You are not welcomed here anymore.”

The man held his stare, startled for a second before he let out a bitter laugh. “Oh, I’m not done yet,” The man said as he turned to scan the area around him. “I need to check if he’s still there. I never finished hiding that body, you know.”

The man seemed to not be fazed by Yuuri. He ignored Yuuri, turning to walk away. Yuuri didn’t want to waste any more time. He glared at the man for only a moment before he showed the man the light.

He came to a halt, pausing as he stared towards the light. He turned back to Yuuri, a sly smirk on his face. Yuuri shook his head at the man and said through gritted teeth, “It’s time to go.”

Yuuri hated men like him – men who thought they were better than others, who felt they were superior to anyone they deemed weaker than them. He was a bully, a coward, and Yuuri had no respect or sympathy towards men like him.

When he faced somebody with a soul as evil as his, Yuuri felt nothing. But now with the new emotions he began to feel, Yuuri realized something. He didn’t feel a thing. He felt how he had before he met Victor – heartless, soulless, and numb.

It wasn’t often that Yuuri took control of somebody’s soul. It wore him down, making him feel weak and tired. But the man was refusing to leave and Yuuri had no choice but to use force. He caught the man before he escaped, gripping the back of his shirt, and pulling him back with force. The man broke free from his grasp and spun around, glaring harshly towards Yuuri.

“You are _not_ forcing me to move on,” The man growled. “I need to check that body. You can’t force me to do anything.”

“He will be found,” Yuuri spoke, referring to the ‘body’ the man talked about. “Your body will not. I will make sure that you will never be found.”

“That’s not fair.”

Yuuri blinked. “But killing is?”

“That little _brat_ deserved it!” The man roared in Yuuri’s face. Yuuri didn’t move. He felt nothing but coldness towards the human that stood in front of him. “My brother deserved everything that came to him. I didn’t deserve to drown in that lake. I didn’t know that ice was thin! That’s not fair!”

“Perhaps it is,” Yuuri spoke and the man scowled. “Why did you think you had any right to murder your brother? Why do you think your life is worth more than his?”

“Who are you to make that choice?” The man growled back. Yuuri didn’t feel the need to reply back. He was going to tell the man – show him the power of Death.

“Because I am Death,” Yuuri spoke. The man didn’t react in an instant. He held his glare until eventually, he came to accept Yuuri's words. His breath hitched, eyes wide as he stared towards Death. "You’re going to move on. You have no choice.”

The man didn’t hesitate when he spun on his heel to run, but Yuuri caught him before he took a single step forward. His arm pressed around the man’s neck, keeping him close. It didn’t hurt the man or cut off his breathing. The man no longer felt pain in death, so it wouldn’t matter how hard Yuuri pressed. He just needed to keep the man still.

Yuuri pressed his hand against the man’s forehead, covering his eyes as he searched for his soul. He knew it was there. It was always there, hiding behind the eyes of human’s. He needed to reach in – to grab it and force it from his spiritual body. It wasn’t until he felt the harsh feeling soul against his palm that he finally found it.

The man fought back but he had nothing against the strength of Death.

Yuuri tugged at the soul, forcing it from the man’s spiritual body. It would be the last form of pain the man would ever feel as he screamed, the sound only being heard by Death himself. Yuuri would usually try and ease it out, only the slightest pain touching the spirit who refused to move, but the man did not deserve Yuuri’s sympathy. He pulled, forcing the soul to come closer until it finally touched his skin and Yuuri did one final tug before he held the soul in his hand.

The man no longer reacted or fought back. He fell limp against Yuuri’s force as he took control of the man’s soul. Yuuri had no use with the man’s spiritual body anymore. He let go, watching the body fade out of existence as it fell to the ground. All Yuuri had to deal with was the soul

Yuuri held the evil soul in his hand. He never liked the feeling of evil. It felt hateful and harsh against his fingers and Yuuri didn’t want to keep it in his palm any longer. He stared up at the light and wondered why he even bothered keeping it there. It was only to ease people into moving on. This man was not eased. He was forced.

The light disappeared and Yuuri clenched his fist around the soul, pressing force against it. He closed his eyes, concentrating on nothing but the soul that grew smaller in his palm. He used his energy, focusing as he forced the soul out of existence. Eventually, his palm was empty, the soul disappearing from sight.

Yuuri suddenly felt hyperaware of his own being. He became aware of his lack of emotion, his feeling of nothing and the emptiness he felt inside. What he once felt before was no longer present, and as he stepped inside the house and became visible once more, he felt detached from who he once was.

He didn’t feel warmth. He didn’t feel life. He felt nothing but the cold, emotionless being that didn’t even feel sympathy. He felt nothing but his own force running through his entire being and that made Yuuri feel… indifferent.

He knew he had to return to Victor. That was something he knew was important. He opened the bedroom door and his eyes fell onto Victor, sat up in his bed, waiting for Yuuri. When Victor saw Yuuri walking in, he didn’t hesitate to spring up from the bed and engulf Yuuri into an embrace.

An embrace which Yuuri failed to return.

Victor pulled back, eyeing Yuuri with confused and hurt eyes. “Yuuri?” He said, “Is everything okay?”

Yuuri couldn’t react. He couldn’t say anything. Not because he felt nothing, but because he suddenly felt _everything._ Yuuri’s mind detached itself from what had happened, falling back into what he had forgotten, hitting him with such force without the feeling of pain. He felt warmth returning to his body, a fire that burned unseen deep inside of him. He felt the uplifting press against his chest he felt when he first saw Victor. He felt all of Victor’s kisses, all of Victor’s touches. Everything returned in that one singular moment and Yuuri didn’t know how to deal with it.

It was too much.

Yuuri gasped as it hit him, choking on his own breath as his hands pressed to his mouth. He could feel his body trembling and his breathing became uneven and quick. His chest felt so heavy, pulling back whatever breath he had. As Yuuri saw nothing but concern in Victor’s eyes, he felt the warmth pulling and tugging harder at his chest. Victor didn’t hesitate to pull him close, pressing Yuuri’s head into his chest.

This was what comfort felt like. Yuuri could finally understand why Victor would want this – why he would need this. Yuuri’s arms circled around Victor, pulling him close as he breathed heavily, in and out, trying to calm his breathing. He didn’t understand what was happening to him. He knew his human form breathed while he felt no heartbeat, but he had never known himself to need to breathe so heavily before.

He could hear Victor shushing him as he rocked him side to side. It reminded Yuuri of when he did this to Victor. He felt Victor’s hand in his hair, stroking through his soft strands. He felt Victor’s arm around his back, keeping him close and protected, and Yuuri felt safe. He didn’t know why that feeling came to mind, but he knew felt safe.

“Yuuri,” Victor murmured into his hair. Yuuri breathed in heavily, his breath shaking. “Did something happen?”

Yuuri couldn’t talk about it. He couldn’t say anything. He wanted Victor to know, he desperately did. He wanted to talk about it and let Victor know that he was – that he _should_ – be okay after what had happened. But it was something Victor couldn’t know.

Yuuri shook his head, “No.” He muttered. “I just – I can’t… I want to say, but I can’t.”

“I understand,” Victor breathed and Yuuri could feel his breath against his ear. “I know. I understand. It’s fine. You’re alright.”

They returned to the bed after some time. Yuuri wasn’t aware of when they had, but he didn’t mind. Yuuri couldn’t stop thinking about how he reacted or how his emotions suddenly became real in Victor’s presence. He never felt like that before. He never felt … he didn’t know what to call it. The trembling in his arms, the ache in his chest, and the lightheaded feeling, it was something he never experienced before. He didn’t know what had happened to him and he didn’t like it.

But as he laid beside Victor, who was holding him close and repetitively stroking his hand through Yuuri’s hair, he found peace. It eased his body, calming his muscles, and slowing his breath.

Yuuri came to realize that Victor was showing him support. That was what it felt like. Peaceful. Calming. And in that moment, Yuuri knew he wanted to devote more of his life and time to Victor.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy. Things happen.
> 
> Also, New Years next chapter with an appearance of the one and only, Chris! 
> 
> ~
> 
> I just have a few things to mention!
> 
> \- I have a rather busy week ahead of me, so updates may be a little slower than usual. I wouldn't say any longer than four days! But I'll try and keep up with my usual updates! (That being every two days for anyone who doesn't know!)
> 
> \- I'm not sure if it's AO3 messing up a little, but sometimes my comments seem to only show half of what I actually want to say! So if you end up with like, 60 messages of me editing and fixing a comment, that's why! I apologize if it seemed a little odd that I was changing my comments so much!!
> 
> I feel like I've forgotten to mention something, but that's the most important stuff. As always, thank you for reading!! Much love! <3


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeeeeeeeeeeeeey, guess who got this chapter up on time! *dances*  
> Things get a little spicy in this chapter. Read the tags if you want to know what happens ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
> 
> ~
> 
> I also hit over 100 Kudos! Thank you! (ノ^♡^)ノ

 

Yuuri wanted to stay true to his word when he wanted to devote his time to Victor, but that came with a few problems. If he truly wanted to help Victor in the way he wanted, he decided that he needed to try and understand Victor’s dedication to skating. He wanted to understand it in the way Victor did. And he wanted to learn. Yuuri felt the only way he could even begin to understand it was to go skating himself.

He found spare time between Victor being out of the house and Yuuri having nothing to do. He became what he always knew and journeyed over to Japan. There was a rink there which he had been to before. It wasn’t because he had a spirit to tend to, but because he visited the soul that named him. He liked to check on her, to see if she was doing okay. Herself and her husband owned the ice rink and Yuuri found he felt some comfort being around them, even if they couldn’t see him.

But Yuuri knew if he wanted to skate, he needed to be seen. He arrived at the rink as it was closing. That way, he would be undisturbed while he skated. He knew the rink well enough to know where everything was. He found the skates that fit his feet and sat down beside the rink to put them on. He was ready and prepared himself to skate for the first time.

He has watched figure skating before (watched Victor skating, he should correct himself) and had seen a little bit of ice hockey, so he wasn’t completely alien to that he had to do. He thought back to how they skated on the ice and Yuuri could easily say that it was fascinating – the clean sweeps, the gracefulness, and swiftness of their movements. And Yuuri found himself thinking how hard could it be?

He moved one foot forward, the blades touching the ice. He moved the other and was completely stepped forward on the ice, relying on nothing but his balance to keep him up. Yuuri prepared himself for the next move and as he stepped forward, he felt his foot slip and the sudden impact of the ice.

Yuuri could feel the cold against his palms as he pushed himself back to his feet. He couldn’t understand what went wrong, even as he tried getting back up he found himself slipping again. He felt stuck, unsure how to get himself up without slipping over again.

He shifted closer to the board and used it to pull himself up to his feet. Yuuri got himself back standing up and he felt he accomplished something. That was until he let go of the board and found that he didn’t want to move. He was rooted to one place, eyes focused on his skates as he tried to figure out how to proceed forward. He didn’t want to fall again.

“Excuse me,” A voice from behind Yuuri startled him. His breath hitched as his head spun towards the voice. He saw the soul who named him, standing by the entrance to the rink. “I’m sorry, but the rink is closed.”

Yuuri had to force back his sigh. He wanted to skate in private – out of hours so he wouldn’t be disturbed. He thought to himself that maybe he should have just asked Victor to teach him, to help him understand it in Victor’s view. But Yuuri didn’t feel it was right to ask Victor that, especially with the Universes consequence on Victor’s back.

Yuuri had to use the board to help him turn around. “I’m sorry,” He apologized. “I didn’t mean to overstay.”

Yuuri moved off the ice. He sat to the side and worked on unlacing his skates. In the corner of his eye, he saw the woman stepping closer. She came to Yuuri’s side and stood, watching Yuuri as he pulled off his skate.

“I’ve never seen you around before,” She said and Yuuri glanced up at her. “Are you a new resident?”

Yuuri shook his head. “No. I was just visiting.” He paused unlacing the other skate as he thought of his reason. “I just… I just wanted to learn how to skate.”

“We have lessons you can take,” She replied.

Yuuri would have been happy to take lessons if he had the money to do so. He shook his head, saying, “I don’t have any money.” There was a thick silence as neither spoke. Yuuri could see the pity that held in the woman’s eyes as she stared at Yuuri, who finally got his other skate off.

Yuuri stood and the woman kept her gaze fixed. She looked as if she was trying to work something out about Yuuri - as if there was something she couldn’t remember. Her brows dropped as her head tilted to the side before asking, “Have we ever met?”

Yuuri had met her soul two times before, but he never met her in person. “I don’t believe we have.”

Suddenly, she stuck out her hand as she gave Yuuri a kind smile. “My name is Yuko. Nishigori Yuko.”

Yuuri shook her hand. “I’m Yuuri.”

“Yuuri…?” Yuko paused, waiting to hear his last name.

“Just Yuuri,” He said. “I don’t have a last name.”

Yuko was about as startled as Victor was when he found out Yuuri didn’t have a last name. Her eyes were wide with disbelief, doubting Yuuri’s words. “You really don’t have a last name?” She had to ask and Yuuri shook his head. Yuko blinked rapidly. “We can’t have that. Have you ever thought to make one up?”

Yuuri had thought about it but he felt it was never important enough to actually consider doing so. He could get away with it before. The dead rarely ever asked him for a last name. It was always his first that was asked. Yuuri shrugged in response and said, “I could never think of one.”

“I could give you one, if you like?” She asked and Yuuri nodded. He was never against her naming him. She had his first, she could his last. Yuko hummed audibly as she thought to herself. Her eyes widened as she came up with something and with a smile, she said, “There’s a lovely family who owns an onsen not far from here. When I saw you, I thought you were their relative. Perhaps their last name would suit. Katsuki?”

Yuuri Katsuki. The name felt… right. He didn’t know why but the name felt as if it was him – as if it was who he was. he really liked the name. Yuuri nodded and Yuko’s face brightened up. “I like it,” Yuuri smiled back, “Thank you.”

She grinned. “I’m glad.”

There was a pause afterward, neither knowing what else to say. Yuuri glanced towards the skates sat on the floor and moved to pick them up. Since they weren’t his, he should return them. “I’m sorry about skating while you were closed,” He said.

Yuko waved her hand. “Don’t be, I understand. You don’t have any money,” She then paused. “But I do have to ask. Please don’t take this to heart if you’re not, but… are you homeless?”

Yuuri didn’t know if he gave off a homeless vibe or if him having no money was so shocking to some people that it was the only conclusion they could come up with, but it did make it a little easier for him to explain his lack of money. He nodded, and Yuko’s face dropped.

“I’m sorry,” She said and Yuuri didn’t understand why she was apologizing. Her eyes then fell to the skates in Yuuri’s hand and she asked, “Why did you want to learn to skate?”

To understand Victor. To help him through his consequence. To understand why it was such an important part of his life. To – “I want to learn for someone.”

Her smile was warm. “They must be special to you?” Yuuri nodded. Victor was very special to Yuuri – and more. She crossed her arms, her fingers tapped against her arm as she thought to herself. She turned to glance towards somewhere, sighing before turning back and saying, “I’m not supposed to do this, but I want to give you something to help you out. You can skate here when the rink is closed.”

Yuuri blinked, eyes wide as he stared. Yuko’s offer surprised him. He didn’t want to take it. He disliked that he would accept, but he felt happy to accept it. He wanted to understand why Victor’s skating was such an important part of his life and now Yuuri had the opportunity to learn it without him knowing. Yuuri could do something for Victor that Victor struggled to do himself. Yuuri could surprise him.

His feeling felt bad but he nodded regardless. Yuko’s face brightened with a smile and Yuuri didn’t feel so bad anymore. She seemed genuinely happy to help Yuuri, and Yuuri felt it too.

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri enjoyed running errands, so when New Year’s Eve came around and Victor found he had absolutely _no_ alcohol in the house, Yuuri made it his daily task to go out and acquire some.

Victor dropped money in his hand as well as his phone, telling Yuuri to call Yakov if he ran into any trouble all before he started fussing over Yuuri. “Are you sure you’ll be okay?” Victor asked and Yuuri couldn’t figure out why he was being so cautious.

Yuuri nodded. “Yes. I have gone shopping before.”

“I know, It’s just…” He paused, trying to figure out how to word his worry. “I don’t know. I’m worrying too much aren’t I?”

He really was and it made Yuuri feel warmth. He raised his hand, cupping Victor’s cheek as his thumb stroked across his skin. He smiled and said, “I’ll be back before you know it.” Victor held his concern and Yuuri tried putting it together. He wanted to ease Victor’s worries. He leaned forward, kissing Victor before saying, “I’ll be gone for a few minutes, okay?”

Victor bit his lip and nodded. Yuuri didn’t understand Victor’s concern. He had gone out without Victor before. He had adventured beyond Victor’s home by himself, so he didn’t understand why Victor seemed so reluctant to let him out without checking he was okay.

Yuuri managed to slip away from Victor, giving him one final kiss to distract him before he stepped out of the house, closing the door behind him. He took that moment of freedom to take a deep breath before beginning his walk to the closest store. The walk wasn’t far, only five minutes, and Yuuri took that as an opportunity to finally figure out how to use Victor’s phone.

He mostly wanted to figure it out now so if he did need to call Yakov, he would know. He stared at it in his hand. It was a small device that had buttons on, much like the television remote Yuuri continued to struggle with. He pressed a button, finding that it switched the device on and Yuuri was met with a screen that gave him no new buttons to press. He furrowed his brows, staring at it as he tried to think back to how other humans used their own. He usually sees them tapping the screen, so he did that.

In that moment where he pressed his finger to the screen, loud music played from the phone and Yuuri jumped back, startled as he stared at the phone, not knowing where the music was coming from or why it was so loud. He tapped the screen a few more times but it did nothing to stop the music. It wasn’t until he pressed the button that switched the phone off that the music stopped playing. Yuuri took that moment to breathe, decided that was enough adventuring with the phone and as he pocketed the device, he swore to never look at it again.

After that minor detour, Yuuri made it to the store and stepped inside. Victor had asked him for a bottle of champagne which Yuuri grabbed followed by a few snacks he thought Victor would like. He paid for it all with little problem (to his relief) and walked back.

As he made it back home and stepped through the door, he heard Victor’s voice coming from the living room. He was talking to somebody but Yuuri couldn’t see another soul inside the house. He knew he couldn’t be on his phone because Yuuri had it, so he wondered who Victor was speaking to. He opened the door to the room and peered through the crack of the door to see Victor sitting at his laptop, talking to it. He opened the door further, the creaking of the door alerted Victor of his presence.

His face brightened up as his eyes landed on Yuuri. “Yuuri!” Victor smiled. He waved him over and tapped the space beside him. “Come here, come and say hello to Chris!”

Yuuri remembered Chris. Another skater who Victor had once competed against. He was also one of Victor’s close friends outside of competition and Yuuri had wondered at some point when he was going to meet him. He moved forward, placing the bag of goods on the coffee table as he sat beside Victor. His eyes landed on the screen, seeing the one Christophe Giacometti.

“He’s even more handsome than you explained him to be,” Chris’ voice almost purred and Yuuri turned to Victor, wondering what he meant by that and a silent plea of how to reply to it. Victor gave Yuuri a smile but it didn’t help him the slightest. He turned back to the screen as Chris said, “It is nice to finally meet you, Yuuri.”

“Likewise,” Yuuri said with a kind smile.

“I don’t know if you know, but Chris is a figure skater like me,” Victor explained to Yuuri. He didn’t want to say that he already knew so he chose to stay quiet. “He’s very talented. He made it to Europeans too.”

“I’ll be sure to get my first gold against you,” Chris laughed light-heartedly. Yuuri felt Victor shift in his seat, finding discomfort in what Chris had said. He glanced up, seeing hurt through Victor’s expression.

“With the way things have been, you probably will,” Victor’s smile held sorrow and Yuuri reached for his hand, intertwining it with his. In the corner of his eye, Yuuri saw Chris shaking his head on the screen.

“Victor, you’re still a great skater. I’m sure competing against you will still be a challenge,” Chris tried to reassure him but Yuuri knew Victor wasn’t. Victor grinned and nodded but Yuuri could see he wasn’t convinced. “But enough about that,” Chris raised his hands, changing the subject. “I have the next two days off and I would like to talk about something other than skating. I’d like to talk about Yuuri.”

Yuuri was taken back as Victor let out a laugh, “You’re lucky. Yakov has me in for normal training tomorrow morning.” He then turned to Yuuri, brow raised with question before looking back at Chris. “And what about my Yuuri?”

Yuuri glanced between the screen and Victor, unsure where the conversation could be going. Chris held a mischievous smile and Yuuri feared what he could possibly be thinking. “I’m curious. Victor told me you two met in France?”

“Oh, yes,” Yuuri nodded. He glanced at Victor, who turned his attention back to Chris.

“And now you two are living together?” They both nodded. Chris hummed. “Are you two by any chance in a relationship with each other?”

“Perhaps one day,” Victor answered without hesitation and it took Yuuri by surprise. He knew that Victor wanted that from him – it was painfully obvious, but hearing it was… different. Yuuri felt his cheeks warm and he raised a hand to his face, feeling the heat of them against his palm. And Yuuri thought, what a strange sensation.

“I wish you two the best,” Chris replied and Yuuri looked back at the screen. “However, I do doubt that you two haven’t done _something,_ if you get what I mean.” He gave a single wink, and Yuuri blinked, confused by what Chris had meant.

Victor, on the other hand, knew _exactly_ what Chris had meant and sat back, his eyes wide and his mouth dropped open. “Chris!” He gaped. Yuuri suddenly felt Victor’s hands press over his ears and through the muffled noise he could hear Victor say, “My Yuuri shouldn’t be subjected to that kind of lewd comment.”

Yuuri pulled away, swiping at Victor’s hands to move them from his head. Victor let out a laugh – a genuine, careless laugh and Yuuri was startled by it for only a second before he let out his own. Victor’s laughter died and he let out a groan, rubbing his hand over his face. He then reached out, pulling the champagne bottle from the bag and into view.

“Oh, are you two going to have some pre-drinks?” Chris asked as his eyes landed on the bottle. “I plan on having a few myself!”

“With that mysterious man, you seem to be keeping a secret from me?” Victor asked, brow raised. Yuuri didn’t know Chris had somebody too.

“You kept Yuuri from me. I will keep him from you.” Chris stated, crossing his arms.

“But you’ve now met Yuuri,” Victor argued, “I think it’s my turn to meet this mysterious man.”

“In due time,” Chris smiled.

Victor huffed as he cuddled the bottle of alcohol close to his chest. “I think I really need a drink now,” He pouted and Yuuri wanted to laugh.

“I can get us some?” Yuuri suggested. Victor wanted a drink and Yuuri was happy to get him a glass.

As Victor nodded and thanked him, Yuuri got to his feet and stepped into the kitchen. He grabbed two glass cups, one for Victor and the other for himself (He was beginning to remember when was an appropriate time for him to eat and drink) and as he stepped closer to the door, he heard Chris’ voice say his name and he paused.

“So, Yuuri…” Chris spoke slowly and Victor didn’t reply. “One thing I can say about him: He is completely smitten over you.”

Yuuri’s brows dropped. Smitten? What a strange word. He made a mental note to himself to find out that that word meant.

“Me too, Chris,” Victor’s voice replied. “God, I just – I’m so enchanted by him. He’s… he’s done so much for me. He doesn’t try to assume what he thinks I want. He always asks me. He wants to know what _I_ want, and what _I_ need. It makes me so…”

“Happy?”

“Yeah. I feel happy when I’m with him.” Victor answered. Yuuri couldn’t stop the smile that forced its way to his face and he didn’t try to stop it either. “I don’t feel like I’ll have nothing after I retire anymore. I have someone I can rely on. I’ve never had that before. I have somebody I can be with.”

“I’m happy for you,” Chris replied. “I’m glad you’ve finally found somebody. You’ve been rather lonely lately, haven’t you?”

“More than lonely,” Victor paused. “It… it was killing me. I couldn't bare another day waking up with alone. It was… It was so mind-numbingly painful to just keep waking up every morning alone. To come home to nobody and end the day with nobody. And wash, rinse, and repeat. I couldn’t do it anymore.”

“Then Yuuri arrived.”

“And then Yuuri arrived,” Yuuri could hear the smile in Victor’s voice. “I – I know we’ve only known each other for three weeks, but it feels like I’ve known him longer. I feel like we… that we connected. As if we were almost made for each other. Does that make sense?”

“You know what I think,” Yuuri heard Chris’ voice reply. “I think you might be in lo –”

The cup in Yuuri’s hand slipped from his grasp and Yuuri moved in an instant, grabbing it mid-air while hitting his head against the door in the process. He let out a yelp, startled by the force as he used his free hand to rub at it. He didn’t feel pain, but the pulsing sensation against his head felt strange. He heard Victor moving around as his voice asked, “Yuuri? Is everything okay in there?”

He pressed the cups close to his chest, not wanting to almost drop them again as he called back, “Yeah, I was just…” Yuuri looked around. “… Cleaning…”

He heard a faint laugh coming from Victor and Yuuri decided he didn’t need to continue to be nosy. He sat down beside Victor, handing him the glass. He opened the bottle of alcohol, pouring himself a glass as well as Yuuri. He raised the cup towards his computer.

“A toast to the new year,” He said and clinked the glass cup against the camera of his laptop. Chris laughed and raised his own drink he had out of view and moved it to his own camera, as if the two tapped glasses. Victor turned to Yuuri, raising the glass as he breathed, “A toast to a new beginning.”

Yuuri could toast to that. He raised his glass, tapping it against Victor’s before raising it to his lips and taking a drink. As usual, it tasted like nothing, but Yuuri drank it regardless.

Chris said his goodbyes not long after, promising that he would talk to the two very soon. Yuuri and Victor then spent the rest of the evening laid back on the couch, watching whatever show was on TV and gradually finishing the bottle they had. Yuuri could say he was enjoying it. He had never celebrated new years. He always felt it was over-hyped. But there was something different about sitting there with Victor, neither really wanting to do anything or see anyone that had the evening feel more enjoyable. He liked spending time with Victor, even if it was something as simple as that.

As the time drew near to midnight, he and Victor were on the last of their drinks and Victor declared he wanted to make one final toast. Yuuri sat up, raising his glass much like Victor had and as he met Victor’s eyes, he spoke.

“I want to dedicate the new year to me.”

Yuuri’s brows dropped. “What do you mean?”

“It may not have been my year, and I may have nearly ended it before the year actually ended, but I want to dedicate my time to… to help myself,” He answered, keeping his gaze fixed to Yuuri. “I refuse to let myself get worse. I don’t want a repeat of France. And while I may still feel like I should have done it, I’ve decided that I’d rather fight it, because I have a reason to – a few reasons, actually.”

Yuuri smiled warmly. He admired Victor’s fight just as much as he admired his soul’s fight. Yuuri nodded, agreeing with Victor as he said, “I’m glad you’re trying to find a way to cope.” Yuuri was truly happy. He had hope that Victor reminding himself that he didn’t want to get worse would help him cope with his next competition – one that had Yuuri worried.

“If I can’t find a way to cope with it, I’ll start seeing a therapist. I can’t keep treating you like one. You can only do so much for me. I don’t want you to think that you have to try and help me with everything.” Yuuri didn’t mind. He wanted to help Victor. Victor cleared his throat and raised his glass higher. “But I will see a therapist. Maybe they can help me when I can’t help myself.”

He moved his glass forward and they tapped against each other. Yuuri moved to drink, but Victor’s hand on his glass stopped him for the moment. “What about you?” Victor asked and Yuuri raised a brow with question. “What do you want to dedicate the new year to?”

Yuuri placed his glass on the table. He turned back to Victor and said, “I want to see you shine again.”

Victor rolled his eyes, a warm smile on his lips. “I mean except for me. You can’t dedicate your entire life to me. What is it that _you_ want?” Yuuri paused to think. He hadn’t thought about it in detail like Victor had his, but Yuuri could think of one thing he could say.

“I want to… to dedicate the year to figuring things out,” Yuuri began and Victor listened intently. “There is a lot I want answered. Maybe I can find them in the new year.”

“Like your name and your family?” Victor asked with a smile. Yuuri thought back to Yuko and their conversation, and it reminded him. He had a name now. He had a full name and he wanted Victor to know it.

“Yuuri Katsuki.”

Victor froze for a moment before his eyes blinked in surprise. “I… What?”

“That’s my name,” Yuuri said, a faint smile on his lips as he thought of his name. “Yuuri Katsuki.”

Victor held his stare, his expression held as he stared. Eventually, he smiled – warm and sweet – and Yuuri liked Victor’s smile. “That’s a beautiful name,” Victor murmured. Yuuri thought Victor’s name was too. “Did you find out anything else?”

“No,” Yuuri shook his head. “That’s all.”

There was the sound of a countdown from the TV. Neither turned to look at it, only lost in each other. Victor smiled at Yuuri, moving close as his hand curved around the back of Yuuri’s neck, fingers playing with the ends of his hair. “Then I hope we can find out more together.”

As the clock struck twelve, Victor leaned forward and connected their lips in a sweet, lingering kiss. Yuuri felt Victor’s hand slide to his waist, feeling the curve beneath his palm. They pulled apart and opened their eyes, staring deep into each others.

Yuuri could see Victor’s eyes full of wonder and passion. He had hope for the new year and Yuuri did too. Victor leaned in and kissed Yuuri softly. He pulled back only an inch. Yuuri could feel Victor’s breath against his lips and as Yuuri prepared himself to lean forward, Victor breathed, “Be my lover, Yuuri.”

Yuuri blinked rapidly, moving back as he stared Victor in the eye. He was searching for something. Searching for why Victor would ask that now. It didn’t make sense. He asked Yuuri only three weeks ago that he didn’t want them to label anything, and now he was asking Yuuri to be his lover… Yuuri needed to say something.

“I –” His words got stuck in his throat. He swallowed hard and tried again. “I thought you didn’t want us to label anything?”

“I – I didn’t. I think that…” Victor paused. Yuuri saw the sudden realization hit as Victor sighed heavily and turned his gaze to the floor. “I’m sorry. That was a spur in the moment kind of thing.”

Yuuri’s fingers touched beneath Victor’s chin, lifting his head so he met Yuuri’s eyes. “It’s okay,” Yuuri said, smiling in hopes it reassured him. “I only said what I did to make sure you were certain.”

Victor nodded. “I am. I am certain, but –” He paused, mouth dropped open with no words.

Yuuri knew Victor wasn’t as certain as he thought he was. While Yuuri was happy to give Victor as much happiness as he could, to try and help him from the Universes consequence, he knew he wouldn’t agree unless Victor was certain. Yuuri knew he was, but he wasn’t sure if Victor did. Yuuri was ready for them to become something. He wanted to explore more of his newfound emotions with Victor, and labeling themselves as lovers, it would open up so much to Yuuri.

But Victor wasn’t certain and while he wasn’t certain, Yuuri didn’t want them to label anything.

“You’re not certain, are you?” Yuuri asked. Victor turned away without an answer. Yuuri sighed. “It’s okay if you’re not. I can wait, Victor.”

Victor stayed silent for a moment. “Okay,” He said, nodding. “You make the call for us to be lovers.” Yuuri blinked before Victor’s words fully hit him. He gasped, brows dropped with question and eyes wide. He didn’t understand why Victor would put that kind of power in his hands.

“Why?” Yuuri asked because he needed to know.

“You feel confident in your answer. I… I think I do, but I’m not sure. I want us to be on the same level but I know I’ll make the call at a bad time.” Victor said and took a deep breath. “So, I want you to make the call. I trust you’ll make the call when I really am ready. You’ll know when it’s the right time.”

The one thing that made Yuuri’s insides flutter was the thought of Victor trusting him enough to give him that control. Yuuri wasn’t sure if he felt comfortable with that kind of responsibility, but Victor trusted him enough and Yuuri wanted to give Victor as much as he could. As Yuuri smiled warmly and nodded, he hoped Victor would be ready soon.

And when they settled in bed and Victor was deep in sleep, Yuuri thought a lot about what Victor had asked him that night.

“ _Be my lover, Yuuri,_ ” Victor’s voice echoed in his mind. It was on a constant loop and Yuuri was certain it was never going to stop.

Being Victor’s lover… the thought made Yuuri’s insides flutter and he didn’t understand it. Not only did Yuuri like the idea, he knew he could adventure into something further than kissing. They occasionally went further but always found themselves stopping before it got too out of hand. There was always something about the lust that had Yuuri stop, but he thought perhaps next time, maybe he wouldn’t stop. For a while, he wished that sometimes he didn’t tell Victor to stop. He felt ready to experience something new.

But at the same time, he thought back to Victor asking him to not label what they were, and it made him think.

Victor saying that then, and three weeks later deciding that he wanted them to be lovers, Yuuri knew he wasn’t actually ready. Victor said it himself that the question was a spur in the moment. He was even under the influence of alcohol. There seemed to be too much that made Yuuri think and it felt like it was hurting his head.

But Yuuri did like that Victor was letting him make the call. It was the trust behind it. It made Yuuri feel a little more comfortable in his choice, where he – an inexperienced being – would be able to make the choice. Yuuri knew that until Victor’s soul improved, he wouldn’t make the call. Not yet, but he knew one day he will.

One day…

But he asked himself more questions. He thought about their future, or more specifically, Victor’s. Victor would die one day and Yuuri would continue to live on. Victor’s soul would live along with him, but Victor wouldn’t, and that made Yuuri feel a heavy ache pull at his chest. It wouldn’t feel the same if Victor’s soul lived inside a different body, and Yuuri wondered if he would feel the same thing he feels now in Victor’s other lifetimes. Would he feel that strange, nice, warm feeling again if he met Victor in a different life?

He did not know.

And if he did decide to be Victor’s lover, would he ever tell Victor that he is Death?

He would probably have to. He didn’t know how else he could explain why he didn’t age. He could always leave once Victor began to suspect something, but the idea was completely out of the question. Yuuri didn’t want to leave, but he didn’t know how Victor would take him knowing he was Death.

And how would Victor take knowing Yuuri was the one who technically ruined his career?

It’s all thoughts for the future, and Yuuri didn’t like thinking that far ahead just yet. They were in the present, and Yuuri liked the now. He liked where he was, sat up against the headboard of _their_ bed with Victor curled up to his side in a blissful sleep.

But it wasn’t as blissful as Yuuri had expected. His mouth was open, panting as his warm breath tickled Yuuri’s thighs. His hands tugged at Yuuri’s side, pulling him close as he moved. Yuuri didn’t know what to do. He looked as if he was having a vivid dream. Yuuri moved to sooth Victor. Suddenly, his back arched, pressing his hips forward as a faint moan escaped his lips and Yuuri realized that Victor was _hard._

He blinked. This was new. This was very new. “V – Victor,” Yuuri stuttered as he shook Victor’s shoulder, trying to wake him. “Victor, wake up. You’re… Uhm…”

Victor’s eyes blinked open, his hips coming to a stop. He was silent for a moment until his eyes fell onto Yuuri and down at the sheets. His face dropped, completely horrified as he pressed his hands to his mouth.

“Oh god, Yuuri,” Victor’s groans were muffled by his hands. “I didn’t – I didn’t realize and – and it’s been so long. Yuuri, I’m sorry, I –”

“It’s okay,” Yuuri said but Victor didn’t take notice. He kept his hand over his mouth, his apologies falling free. Yuuri really didn’t mind. This was what he wanted to experience. “Victor, it’s fine. You were just –” And Victor didn’t stop. Yuuri felt a burn inside. It wasn’t from anger, but it was something that was building up in his gut, twisting and fluttering, and Yuuri felt a snap. “– _Victor_ ,” Yuuri snapped and Victor finally paused. He slowly moved his hand away from his mouth, staring at Yuuri with his mouth dropped open and eyes wide. Yuuri stared intensely at him as he gripped Victor’s arm, rolling him back to his side.

“Keep going.”

Victor moved his hands from his face as stared awestruck. He blinked rapidly, startled by Yuuri’s request. “Are – are you sure?” Victor asked and Yuuri was. He was very sure. He didn’t know why, but he wanted Victor to keep going. He wanted to watch Victor come apart as he ruts against his leg.

“Yes. I am sure,” Yuuri said and Victor breath shook. Yuuri cupped the back of Victor's head, encouraging him to bury his face into Yuuri’s thigh like he had before. Victor complied, moving in as Yuuri’s fingers weaved through his hair and Victor let out a soft sigh.

His arm circled around Yuuri’s hip while his other laced around Yuuri’s thigh. His fingers gripped the fabric of Yuuri’s underwear as he resumed what he stopped – rocking his hips against Yuuri’s leg. Yuuri watched him as he let out a soft groan against Yuuri’s leg.

Victor’s legs wrap around Yuuri’s, tugging himself closer to Yuuri. He was panting, gasping between soft moans that escaped his lips. It sounded so lewd, but Yuuri wanted to hear it again. His hand was still in Victor’s hair, stroking through the soft silvery strands and Victor shuddered, unraveling against Yuuri’s leg.

“Y – Yuuri,” Victor gasped against Yuuri’s skin. “Ah – _Yuuri_ …” Yuuri felt a burn in his gut, building, and fluttering which had influenced Yuuri’s mindless move as he tugged Victor’s hair a little. Victor gasped and whimpered, rolling his hips in an uneven rhythm.

Victor buried his head in Yuuri’s leg as he let out a loud moan, riding out his climax. His fingers twisted in the fabric of Yuuri’s underwear as he quivered, spilling a wet heat across Yuuri’s leg. He panted as he settled down, letting the relief of his orgasm ease. Yuuri brushed his hand through Victor’s hair, calming him as his breathing evened out.

“That was –” Victor swallowed thickly. He raised his head, staring down at Yuuri’s underwear as he asked, “Are you –?”

“No,” Yuuri answered. He wasn’t how Victor just was. He felt he should. The twist and tingling feeling he felt did flips and Yuuri felt he should be aroused. Perhaps he was, but he didn’t care about his own pleasure. In that moment, he only cared about Victor’s. “I’m fine. It’s okay. Are you okay?”

Victor’s head fell against his leg as he breathed. “I just –” He paused. “I had a dream about you. About us. And I couldn’t control myself.”

Yuuri was glad he didn’t. He didn’t want Victor to hold back. He wanted to see him come apart against his leg again. He wanted to see what others had seen before, but now felt different. Now, Yuuri didn’t want others to see that part of Victor. He wanted to see it for himself – nobody else but him.

Yuuri’s hand continued to brush through Victor’s hair, easing his worry over what he did. “You can do that if you ever need to,” Yuuri said softly. “We may not be lovers yet, but I don’t want you to hold back. I want to see that part of you.”

Victor pushed himself to a sitting position. His hands found Yuuri’s face as he leaned forward, pressing a kiss to Yuuri’s lips. It was a sweet, single kiss full of affection and Yuuri kissed back, just as sweet, and just as gentle. Victor hummed with content and Yuuri smiled at the sound.

“I want to see that part of you too,” Victor said as he met Yuuri’s eyes. “I don’t want you to hold back either.”

Yuuri wondered if he would ever come to that kind of desperate need. He hoped that one day, perhaps he would. “I won’t,” Yuuri found himself saying and he truly meant it. It would be for Victor to see and nobody else.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we have New Years Eve with a special appearance from Chris and Yuko! Phichit will be next, I swear if he doesn't feature in my fic at least once I will kick myself.
> 
> Talking to Chris has some kind of sexual effect, I'm calling it.
> 
> Also, Yuuri's name!
> 
> ~
> 
> ALSO, Also! This is now officially my longest fic! I can't believe it! This silly little AU which I originally didn't have much planned for not only ended up being my longest fic, but one I've dedicated so much time to. I wouldn't have been so dedicated if it wasn't for the lovely comments I've been getting. Thank you, everyone! ♡


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, hello, I'm a day late and I hate it
> 
> Enjoy!

 

Yuuri thought back to the what Victor had done that night, recalling it like it was a dream. But it wasn’t a dream. It happened. And Yuuri, he felt something should have changed. But as a week went by, their lives seemed to just… continue.

It wasn’t that Yuuri didn’t like it. He very much enjoyed it, more than he thought. And they spoke about it and although the conversation was brief, at least it was mentioned. Yuuri just couldn’t shake the feeling that something should have changed. He felt it was something lovers should do and while he wasn’t Victor’s lover yet, they were… something.

He wasn’t too sure what they were.

They were not lovers, but not just friends either. Victor asked for someone to be with him, but to not label what they were. He felt he was in the middle, stuck between what he wanted to call them and what he didn’t want them to just be. Being lovers was something Yuuri wanted. Just friends, was not.

But that was Yuuri’s fault too. He had the call to label them as lovers and he hadn’t. Not because he didn’t want to be, but because he knew Victor wasn’t ready, and until then, he and Victor were going to continue being in between.

Which Yuuri… He didn’t mind. At least he was with Victor.

And so, they lived, doing the same routine day in, day out. Victor would skate, Yuuri would see spirits, and then they would end the day in bed. It was all the same thing, living each day with a routine.

They were just living. And Yuuri had never lived before.

 

* * *

 

 

“Yuuri, you have to keep our legs close together and – no, not that close! Bend your knees a bit and, oh!”

The ice was cold beneath Yuuri’s back but he was getting used to that feeling. It was the fifth time he had fallen over that day, so the feeling of ice was familiar to him. Yuko skated over, helping him to his feet once again and said, “You’ve really never skated before, have you?”

Yuuri shook his head. His feet now firmly on the ice. “Shall we try again?” Yuuri suggested, feeling determined to try again. “I want to be able to do at least one lap around the rink.”

“Let’s just get you to stay on two feet first, yeah?” Yuko suggested. He knew she was only trying to politely say that he wasn't going to do it, but he wanted to try. He concentrated, reminding himself Yuko’s words – legs close together, knees bent a bit, and skate. He moved forward but his skate slipped beneath his feet. Yuko caught him that time and with a laugh, she said, “You need to glide forward, not walk.”

When Yuuri first started skating, he didn’t think it would be this hard. He had been visiting the rink for just over a week now, traveling over for an hour to practice when he had time. He desperately wanted to learn, to try and understand Victor. But he knew he wouldn’t get anywhere with it if he didn’t know how to skate properly.

But the problem was that he didn’t know _how_ to skate properly.

Yuko had been at the rink that morning. When she had offered to help Yuuri learn after watching him fall for the third time that morning, and Yuuri didn’t hesitate to say yes. She grabbed her own skates, came on the ice with much more ease than Yuuri did and gave it her best shot in helping Yuuri.

But her advice only went so far before Yuuri’s lack of skill and knowledge in the sport came crashing against him, knocking him down for the nth time.

He took her tips and tried to work with them. He needed to glide. He pushed his foot forward but he found his body didn’t follow. Instead, he had one foot stuck forward while the other held back and Yuuri was unable to move from that position, just knowing he was going to fall.

He could hear Yuko trying to stifle her laugh when she noticed Yuuri was stuck. He ignored her. He needed to learn this. He wanted to show Victor how dedicated he was to help him. But as he tried to shift his foot closer to regain his stance, he found that yet again, he moved nowhere.

He wondered if it was this difficult for Victor when he began skating.

Probably not. He guessed that Victor found skating just as natural as breathing. He felt an irritation towards that thought. He was one of the most powerful beings in the Universe, minus the Universe itself, and yet he couldn’t capture the concept of skating. It wasn’t something he could figure out and his thoughts towards Victor’s own talent, he couldn’t stop thinking that it wasn’t fair.

But it was perfectly fair. And Yuuri tried to remind himself that.

“Balance your legs back together. Hold my arm if you need to,” Yuko said, holding her arm out. Yuuri gripped it tight as he stared down at his skates. He eased them back together, using Yuko for support and he stood tall once again. He glanced up at her, waiting for more advice. “It’s different from walking. You have to glide forward. Left foot, right foot, one after the other. Like this.”

Yuko showed him, skating in a small circle in front of Yuuri. It seemed simple. It looked simple. But when Yuuri tried to copy her moves himself, his mind didn’t seem to work with his own feet. He tried again, concentrating on replicating Yuko’s moves. His left foot moved first and for the first time, he found his body moving with him. He moved forward, his right foot touching the ice to glide across when –

“Stop!” Yuko’s yell startled Yuuri to a sudden halt, pausing midway through his skate. He stared at her like a deer in the headlights, unsure why she called out a sudden stop. She slouched to the side, her hands on her hips. Her finger tapped as she fixed on Yuuri, deep in thought. “There is still something not right. I think it’s your posture.”

“I thought I was doing well,” Yuuri said, feeling a little down that he didn’t do as well as he thought. “I moved more than I did before.”

Yuko nodded. “That is true. But you can’t expect to improve if we don’t improve everything else, can we?” Yuuri didn’t want to answer. Not because he didn’t have an answer, but because he was feeling his irritation come back. Yuko then clapped her hands together before saying, “The rink will be opening soon. I think you should call it a day.”

Yuuri didn’t want to but he understood Yuko had a business to run. She helped him off the ice which was both easier and quicker than Yuuri trying it himself, which he tried to do before. It ended in two ways: Yuko helping him anyway, or him ending up on the ice.

He moved to the bleachers, working to remove his skates. He felt he hadn’t made much progress in learning to skate. He didn’t understand how it could be so difficult. It was simply gliding on the ice but it seemed to be something that Yuuri couldn’t figure out. All he wanted was to be able to skate around the rink once, but he couldn’t do it. He wondered how Victor made it look so easy.

“Who does?” Yuko’s voice came from nowhere. Yuuri’s head shot up, staring at her as she stood in front of him. His brows dropped. “Is that the person you’re trying to learn for?”

He blinked. He didn’t realize he spoke his mind. He had never done that before. He cleared his throat before saying, “Yeah. He uh… He’s…”

“He’s Victor Nikiforov, isn’t he?” Yuko asked. Yuuri recoiled, sitting straight as he stared. He didn’t know how she could have possibly known that and as he was about to ask, she answered. “I’m a bit of a fan of Victor’s. I saw you with him in a magazine a few days ago. I knew I saw you from somewhere.”

Yuuri didn’t realize his appearance was more known. It was a strange thought. He was always known as Death, but now he was known as something else. He didn’t know what people were saying he was, but he knew it wasn’t Death.

“You’re not homeless,” Yuko said as she sat beside him. Yuuri didn’t know what to say. “Why did you lie to me about that?”

Yuuri sighed as he began to play with his hands. He never liked lying, but living the human life as an immortal being, he had to. “I wasn’t lying. Not completely, anyway,” He said. He glanced up, meeting her eye. “I was homeless before I met Victor.”

“And your last name –”

“That is true,” Yuuri said, nodding. “I was homeless. I didn’t have a last name and I don’t have money that is mine.”

“So Victor took you in?” Yuko asked and before Yuuri could even nod, she then asked, “You two are lovers, aren’t you? Nobody really knows. Victor’s kept you well hidden and he doesn’t talk about you to the press. But people have seen you kiss, so you must be lovers?”

There was something about Yuko that made Yuuri want to speak with her about all his worries. It was to do with her soul. Hers held kindness and a type of motherly care, something that Yuuri knew her soul held from her previous lives. But Yuuri stayed true to his word when he wanted to speak to her about his worries. She looked as if she would never judge, who could give him advice when he needed it.

“We are, but we are not.” Yuko raised a curious brow. Yuuri continued. “I – Victor he… he’s very lonely. We met and he didn’t want to be alone, so I stayed with him. He found out I was homeless, offered me to live with him. And then we seemed to have just started this… relationship. We kiss and we cuddle, and about a week ago he woke up late at night with these sexual urges and he –”

“– Yuuri!” Yuko almost screeched and he froze. Yuko held her hands to her ears, blocking out any noise as she said, “Too much information! I don’t doubt your lovers anymore, but I don’t need to know that!”

Yuuri stared, startled by Yuko’s reaction. He didn’t realize humans didn’t speak about sexual desires. It was a normal urge that every human felt, but he didn’t know they kept it private. He didn’t understand that too well, but he understood it enough to respect Yuko’s wishes. He decided not to mention it again.

He cleared his throat, trying to clear the awkward atmosphere that fell. “But, uh, we’re not lovers,” Yuuri scratched his head. “He did ask me to be his lover.”

“Did you say no?” She asked, moving on from her sudden panic.

“I didn’t say yes.”

She sighed. “Yuuri,” Then paused. “From what I know, it sounded like he wanted to be your lover. Do you not want that?”

“I want to be his lover,” Yuuri spoke. He had no doubt that he wanted to be Victor’s lover. “And I know Victor wants it too. But he’s… not in the right place. When we first met, he said he wasn’t in the right place for us to be lovers, but he didn’t want to be alone and not be with someone. That was three weeks ago. He’s still not in the right place.”

“By the sounds of it, you two are already lovers. You’re just not calling yourselves that,” Yuko stated and it made Yuuri think. She… wasn’t wrong. They’ve done more than what Yuuri expected them to do even though they haven’t called themselves lovers yet. “You’re both just postponing the inevitable.”

“You’re right, we are,” Yuuri said, nodding. He wasn’t going to deny that. He knew he and Victor were postponing what they technically already were. “It’s my own choice right now. He gave me the offer to call us lovers when I think he’s ready. I’m not going to call it yet, but I will do.”

“Do you want to call yourselves lovers?” Yuko asked and Yuuri nodded, not needing to think about it. “I think it’s nice that you're thinking about what Victor wants, but you also need to think about what _you_ want. There’s two of you in this, not one. You can’t live your life thinking of everyone else’s needs and not your own.”

But that was all Yuuri ever did. Even in the afterlife, he had to think of what everyone else wanted – what would help them move on. He needed to, otherwise, he couldn’t help anyone. But he had never had to think of himself before. He never had to think of his own needs and that was something Yuuri knew he would already struggle with. But he thought he was doing rather well, all things considered.

“Are you skating for Victor, or for yourself?” Yuko asked and Yuuri met her eyes.

He was skating for Victor, but it was different. He was skating to understand Victor’s passion. He was skating to help himself relate to how Victor was feeling. He wasn’t skating for the sake of being able to skate too. He wasn’t skating because Victor told him to. It was his own choice, and it was his choice for Victor.

“Both,” Yuuri stated. Yuko didn’t react. “It’s more than just me skating for Victor. I want to understand him. That is my choice, not his.”

She held her stare for only a moment before a small smile twisted on her lips. “I’m glad. I wish I could understand him. His skating has been a little different recently, don’t you think?”

Yuuri bowed his head, guilt pulling at his chest. But he couldn’t tell her it was his fault. Nobody could know. But he could tell her something… “He’s been… struggling.”

“With his skating?”

“With everything,” Yuuri said, meeting her eye. “Some days he will come home from practice and just cry. He’s so scared of the outcome of any competition he has coming that he’s… struggling to handle it. I don’t want him to feel like that. It hurts. Like, this jab at my insides, right here,” He pointed to his chest, where his heart would be. “And I feel so… powerless. I think that’s the right word. I’m trying so hard to help him but sometimes I think I’m not enough. I hate seeing him so sad. It… it hurts me, Yuko.”

Her hand fell to his forearm, holding it with a reassuring grip. “You’re doing the best you can, Yuuri,” She said, a kind smile held on her face. “You care about him a lot, don’t you?”

“More than I have anyone else,” Yuuri said without a hint of hesitation. “I’ve never felt like this before. He’s made me feel so… alive. That’s the only way I think I can describe it. But I like it.”

“I have no doubt you’ll find a way to help Victor,” Yuko’s smile was warm and Yuuri felt reassured just by looking at it. “With you by his side, he’ll find happiness.”

Yuuri could easily say that Yuko had made him feel better - more confident about helping Victor, and although he wasn't completely over how he felt, he appreciated Yuko trying to help him. “Thank you, Yuko,” Yuuri smiled, because he was thankful.

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri’s conversation with Yuko made him think.

She was right in a way. There was two of them. While Yuuri showed Victor support, he knew that Victor could show him it back. But Yuko made him think if he was doing nothing but revolving his life around Victor.

He didn’t mind. All he wanted was to be with Victor, but Yuko was right. He had a choice in things too. He was able to make up his own decisions and choices without Victor being the reason. But he found there was a problem with that. Because everything, all of Yuuri’s decisions and choices all involved Victor one way or another.

His choice to explore his emotions wasn’t for Victor, but it was because of Victor. Yuuri knew he wanted to learn more about them, but he could only learn about them when he was with Victor. Victor opened up that part of him, and Victor was the one who helped him discover more.

All of Yuuri’s decisions were again, not for Victor. His decision to save Victor wasn’t for Victor. It was for Yuuri, and Yuuri realized that now. He was the one who wanted to keep Victor alive, he wanted to protect Victor and help him through the Universes consequence of his choice, and that was Yuuri’s decision. Not Victor’s.

But Yuuri struggled to figure out a good balance. Yuko was suggesting that he should also want, too, but Yuuri didn’t know what he wanted unless Victor helped him figure that out.

Being able to choose for himself would have been a lot easier if he was human. He wouldn’t have the Universe to worry about if he did. But then, did humans really have a choice? Victor never got to choose to live or die that night in France. He had to die and that wasn’t his choice. It was the Universes choice for him.

It might have been at the time at the time, but now – now, Yuuri wasn’t too sure.

That was something Yuuri wanted to help Victor tackle. He wanted to help Victor not come to that feeling anymore. He wanted Victor to want to live. And he would have thought that Victor was improving if he hadn’t come home that day with his eyes full of tears.

Yuuri was to his feet in an instant. Victor hadn’t been like this since Nationals. He had his few bad days where he would lie in bed, a few tears slipping down his cheeks. Other days we would want nothing but to hold onto Yuuri and forget about the world, but he hadn’t had one like this for a while.

Victor strode forward, grasping Yuuri as he delved into a tight embrace. They ended up on the floor again, Victor’s arms grasped around Yuuri with his tears staining Yuuri’s shirt. His shoulders shook as his cries ripped through his body, pulling at every muscle. Yuuri could feel it. He could feel it twisting and hurting Victor’s soul and with every tear that fell, the sorrow in his soul grew, recovering what it once tried to break free from.

“It’s okay, Victor,” Yuuri spoke over Victor’s uncontrollable sobbing. His hand weaved through Victor’s hair, stroking at the soft strands. He shushed him. “You’re okay now. It’s over. The day is nearly over.” Yuuri found that Victor liked being reminded that his bad day would be over because tomorrow was a new day and Victor preferred a new day sometimes.

They stayed like that for a while; both sat on the floor, arms circled around each other with Yuuri speaking calming words to Victor. His cries didn’t seem to subside as quickly as normal and Yuuri feared his words stopped helping Victor. His cries were uncontrollable. He gulped for breath, trying to ease the tears only to find them breaking free just as loud and hard.

Yuuri pulled back. He needed to try a different tactic. Whatever had happened to Victor that day did more than just hurt him. It almost broke him again. Yuuri pressed his palms to the side of Victor’s face and gently eased his head to look up. Yuuri stared at him, eye to eye. Victor’s eyes were squeezed shut, tears slipping through and falling down his red cheeks. He couldn’t control himself.

“Victor, open your eyes,” Yuuri said firmly. Victor gulped for a breath before opening his eyes. Yuuri saw hurt – a pain that pushed and abused his soul, repeatedly, until it became too much for Victor and his defensive walls broke. “Look at me. Don’t look away. Never take your eyes off me, not even for a second.”

Victor’s hands trembled as he pressed them to his mouth, stifling back his sobs. But he did what Yuuri asked and he didn’t look away. Yuuri wanted him to keep his stare; to concentrate on the golden browns of Yuuri’s eyes. He wanted Victor to focus on keeping his stare and distract himself from his fears. Yuuri didn’t know if it would help, but he needed to try something.

After some time, Victor’s cries eased but they continued to fall. It wasn’t completely what Yuuri had wanted but his cries easing up was enough for Yuuri to feel like he had accomplished something. His hands stroked through his hair, telling him it was okay to look away as he encouraged Victor to bury his face into Yuuri’s neck. He complied, circling his arms around Yuuri as he pressed his face close.

Victor sobbed, cried, and hurt, and Yuuri didn’t know what else he could do to ease them. His comfort could only go so far. But he decided that this was enough. Victor’s cries had quietened and his breathing was at more ease. And Yuuri continued to hold him.

Even when his tears stopped, Yuuri didn’t let go.

With Victor’s tears at bay, Yuuri felt it was the right time for him to speak up. “Victor,” Yuuri tried. Victor didn’t respond. “Victor, would you like to talk about it?” There was no response again and Yuuri moved back, only to find Victor moving with him. He shifted Victor to his side, looking down at his face. His eyes were closed, calm and at peace as his breathing was steady. He had fallen asleep.

Yuuri looked around him. The floor wasn’t a comfortable place to sleep. As he looked back at Victor’s peaceful form, he found that he didn’t want to wake him up, but he didn’t want to leave Victor on the floor either.

He picked him up, his arms supporting Victor’s back and legs as Yuuri lifted him. There was weight but Yuuri had enough strength for it to not bother him. Yuuri carried him to the bedroom. He gently laid Victor down onto the bed, making sure his head was on the pillow. When Victor was fully rested, Yuuri grabbed a blanket (Which he confirmed with himself was definitely a blanket and not a towel) and rested it over Victor’s body.

Yuuri stood back to admire his work, but his eyes fell to Victor. He was nothing but at peace when he slept. It made Yuuri think. He wanted nothing more than for Victor to be awake and unafraid. Yuuri wished for Victor to find the peace he found when he slept. He never cried, hurt, or ached with pain when he slept. He only breathed, his chest rising and falling with each breath.

Yuuri instinctively moved closer, lying on his side beside Victor. Victor’s eyelids stayed closed against the sun’s rays and his breathing deep and relaxed. Yuuri’s hand twitched before it moved forward, cupping Victor’s face as his thumb stroked across his soft skin. Yuuri liked the way Victor felt. It was almost addictive, something Yuuri wanted to feel when he thought too much about the way Victor felt. His hair was just as soft as his fingers weaved through the silvery strands. He never used to understand why humans enjoyed the feeling of soft things, but now he understood. It was more than just how it felt. For Yuuri, it was remembering the way it felt. He wanted to remember the softness of Victor’s hair running through his fingers. He wanted to remember Victor’s smooth, warm skin against his own. He wanted to remember Victor’s touch – his warm hands against Yuuri’s body or his lips against Yuuri’s own. It was mesmerizing.

“Yuuri?” Victor mumbled, his voice startled Yuuri from his thoughts. His eyes met with the crystallized blues of Victor’s. “What are you doing?”

Yuuri hesitated to move his hand away but instead, it remained frozen in place. He eased his worry. He already knew Victor didn’t mind this kind of touch. He calmed and kept his hand in Victor’s hair, stroking over his strands. Victor moved in with the touch, finding nothing but peace.

“How are you feeling?” Yuuri asked, his concern coming back now Victor was awake.

Victor kept his gaze on Yuuri. “I’ve felt better.”

It was enough of an answer, but it wasn’t the only thing Yuuri needed to know. Victor came home in tears from practice. Something had set Victor off, hurting his soul again and Yuuri wanted to know so he could fix it. “What happened?” He asked.

Victor closed his eyes as he took a deep breath. It trembled, his fear and pain returning as he thought back on the day. Yuuri’s hand slid down from his hair to his shoulders, over his arms until he reached for Victor’s hand. He raised it up, intertwining his fingers with Victor’s as he pressed it close to his chest, squeezing it with reassurance. Victor blinked at the action, startled for a moment before his lips formed into a weak, but effortless smile. But it fell the moment Victor spoke.

“I don’t know what happened to me today, but I felt as if I had just… forgotten everything,” Victor spoke. Yuuri kept quiet, letting Victor speak as he pleased. Yuuri already knew it was about his skating, and if it was about his skating, then it would be a reminder of the Universes consequence and Yuuri’s fault in it. Victor blinked, his eyes glazing over with tears as he thought back. “My routine just… drifted from my head. And my jumps… Every jump I tried, even the stupid easy jumps kids can do, I… I failed at. I flubbed every jump I tried today. I’ve never done that before.”

A single tear fell. Yuuri didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t say anything. Victor’s fault that day was his own. He made Victor like that. He caused the consequence that the Universe punished Victor with, and Yuuri couldn’t even think of anything to say to help him.

All Yuuri wanted was to see Victor smile. He wanted to see his soul burn bright, his eyes sparkle and his life just as bright and hopeful as it should have been. But Yuuri’s choice – one which he would _never_ change – caused an effect. Yuuri said he would protect Victor, to help his soul heal and keep him protected from the consequence of the Universe.

But how could he fight against what was stronger than him?

He had helped Victor’s soul heal. That was enough to make Yuuri feel confidence in him protecting Victor. But one simple click of the Universes metaphorical finger and Victor was almost back to where they began – his soul in pain and Yuuri not knowing how to help him. And Yuuri thought to himself, how could he ever think he could help Victor if he didn’t know how to protect him on the days the Universe hit back.

The answer was that he didn’t know.

“Yakov told me to take tomorrow off. I don’t want to, but I will,” Victor’s eyes held heartache to accepting Yakov’s suggestion. “He knows something’s not right. He’s going to ask me soon, but I’m not prepared to tell him yet. I just want to get Europeans out of the way. I can’t think to tell him anything while I have that on my shoulders.”

“Then you do what you did with Yuri. You let Yakov know you’ll tell him when you’re ready.”

Victor swallowed hard before nodding. “Yes. I will do.” He paused. Suddenly, he lifted the blanket that was over him and moved it forward, resting it over Yuuri’s body too. Yuuri wondered why Victor had done that but the sudden absence of Victor’s hand in his own alerted him. He looked down just as Victor circled an arm around Yuuri, moving to rest Yuuri on his back as Victor curled up to Yuuri’s side, pressing his head into Yuuri’s neck. Yuuri instinctively pulled him close, wanting to feel his warmth.

“I’m terrified, Yuuri,” Victor’s voice trembled as he whispered. He breathed in, his breath catching. “I’m terrified I’m going to flub all my jumps at Europeans. If I fail at Europeans or Worlds, then that’s me out of the Grand Prix series. How can I redeem myself if I can’t land my jumps?”

Yuuri didn’t know what to say. He desperately wanted to find the right words to comfort Victor, to help his soul fight back against the sorrow that grew, but he didn’t know what to say. He stayed silent, hoping Victor wasn’t looking for an answer, but just someone to talk to.

“I want to prove everyone wrong. I want to prove that I can surprise everyone, that I still… can do it. I don’t want to be remembered as that washed up living legend who ended their career on a low. I wanted to spend my final year of my career surprising them one last time – but I can’t,” Victor’s voice shuddered. “I can’t surprise them. I can’t do anything right. I can’t – I can’t even skate anymore. I can’t do the thing I’ve dedicated so much of my time to. I feel – I feel like I’ve gotten stuck in that stupid hole again and I really feel like I can’t get out of it. I feel like I’m just going to keep getting close to climbing out just to fall back in again and I don’t know how much more I can – I can t-take and –”

And Victor broke all over again. He fell back into his hole, stuck in the pit with no way of knowing how to get out. He crumbled, breaking down as his cries punched through, wailing as his eyes spilled with water. Yuuri kept him close, rubbing his arm as Victor wept into his neck.

“Sometimes I hate you for saving me,” Victor stuttered out through his cries. If Yuuri had to explain what he just felt, it would be a punch in his chest – a stab, almost. And it _hurt_. Victor breathed, easing his voice enough to continue. “I – I sometimes hate you because I could have been free from all this pain if you had just let me jump. But you… you made me feel less lonely. I thank you for that, too. I thank you so much that you’re in my life, because if you weren’t… I think about how I am now, and If I had been alone then I…” He paused, breathing in heavily. “Yes, I wouldn’t be… feeling this kind of pain if I just had continued with my plan, but knowing that I don’t have to come home to nobody, that I won’t be alone anymore… It makes me want to try and fight it.”

Victor raised his head, wanting to look Yuuri face to face. His cheeks were stained with tears and his eyes red from crying, but Yuuri could still say he looked beautiful. “Do you understand what I’m saying?” He asked. Yuuri blinked, unsure what the right words to say were. “You saved me and although I wish you hadn’t sometimes, I’m so… so _happy_ that you’re in my life. I haven’t felt like this in a long time Yuuri, and it’s because of you.”

“I… I’m saving you?” Yuuri had to ask. It didn’t seem true.

“Yes, Yuuri,” A tear fell from Victor’s eyes, but the smile he couldn’t bite back told Yuuri they were not from sorrow. “I want you to know that. I want you to know how much you mean to me. You’re more than just someone who saved me. You’re so much more. I know you don’t think I’m ready to call us lovers, but I see us as lovers. I won’t label it or tell anyone it either, as you haven’t made that choice, but I do see us as lovers, and I hope you do too.”

And Yuuri knew the moment Victor pressed a hard, desperate but passionate kiss to Yuuri’s lips, mixed with the salty taste of his tears, Yuuri found an answer. He knew how he could help Victor.

He knew the Universe will take Victor’s skating away from him. There was no doubt about that. But the Universe could _never_ take Yuuri away from Victor. And while Yuuri existed beside him, learning to help Victor in as many ways as possible, Yuuri knew he would never give up trying to help Victor cope with a life without skating.

The Universe held a lot of power over Yuuri, but Yuuri held his own fate in his hands.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate updating later than planned. I wanted to finish this chapter for yesterday but I had a friends birthday and I may have drank a liiiiiitle too much... So, writing was a definite no. But I got it ready for today!! (๑ˊᗜˋ)و 
> 
>  
> 
> Updates /should/ be back to normal after today (I hope) so the next chapter will be up for Sunday! I know a day late isn't that bad and it could have been worse, but I like updating on time! Thank you for being patient with me! Much love! <3


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Better late than never, hey?
> 
> Also!  
> Spice!  
> Spice spice spice spice spice.  
> Enjoy.  
> ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

The European championships were only a week away and Victor was dreading every hour that ticked by.

Yakov let him have his day off which Victor spent hiding away under the covers of his bed. Yuuri never pushed him to get up, only when Victor’s stomach growled with growing hunger. Yuuri had attempted to make Victor something to eat, but after burning his sixth piece of toast he asked Victor if there was an easier way for him to acquire food. Victor told him to use his money to buy something from the store.

Yuuri came back with something he thought was appropriate for Victor to eat, but he never touched it. It was left on his plate, sat on his bedside table untouched when Yuuri returned after a few hours. Yuuri didn’t want to nag but he had no choice but to tell Victor he needed food. Victor said he knew, but it didn’t encourage him to sit up and eat. He did eventually start eating his food but Victor said he didn’t feel hungry enough to finish it. Which Yuuri thought was fair enough. At least he ate.

And this went on. Victor had to go to practice after his day off but his reluctance to go made it difficult for Yuuri to convince him. Yuuri had to convince him. He told Victor that if he didn’t at least try and make his final week worth practicing that he would just prove everyone right. It hurt to say it. Yuuri didn’t want to say it, but he knew Victor couldn’t just decide to stop going to practice. Yakov would ask questions as would Yuri, and Victor wasn’t prepared to speak to them yet. Victor replied with a snarky comment that made Yuuri irritated, but it was enough to get him up from his bed and over to practice.

Yuuri decided to join Victor at practice for his final week but he never stayed long. The spirit world called for him, whispering that they needed his help and Yuuri couldn’t avoid it. It was his role in existence. As much as he wanted to spend all his time with Victor, the afterlife would always call for him. He stayed with Victor for a few hours, just enough to make sure Victor was in good hands and was doing okay.

Victor seemed fine his first day back. It was his second that things went wrong.

Mila had burst through the door while Yuuri was in the afterlife, moving to help another spirit. He could feel her presence inside the home and Yuuri didn’t hesitate to travel back in an instant. She was distressed and in search for Yuuri. It didn’t take long for Yuuri to know something had happened to Victor. He appeared in the sitting room just as Mila entered, desperate for Yuuri to follow her to the rink.

Her explanation was vague, but Victor needed Yuuri. He was asking for Yuuri and he refused to speak to anyone else. Yuuri ran to the rink with her. On arrival, he saw everyone crowding around the bathroom door – Yakov, Georgi, Mila, and Yuri, who looked saddened that he couldn’t help Victor. Yuuri stepped forward, knowing he would be the only one to help.

Yuuri knocked on the door, let Victor know it was him and the door was unlocked for Yuuri and only Yuuri. He then spent almost an hour sitting by Victor, arms around him as he cried. Victor never told Yuuri what was the cause of his tears that day. Yuuri didn’t know if it was from his skating or from the fear of the competition being only days away, but the reason didn’t matter because Victor needed him and Yuuri was going to be there for him.

Victor eventually left the bathroom when practice was over. Yakov was the only one left, waiting for Victor to come out before he demanded the reason why Victor had been acting so differently lately. He only kept his head down, sitting by the rink as he listened to Yakov’s concerns. Yuuri desperately wanted Victor to tell Yakov about his depression. He wanted Victor to start expressing himself to more people than just Yuuri, but Victor stuck with the same thing he had told Yuri.

“I will tell you one day, Yakov,” He had said. “I just need to get things sorted out. I promise you will know, but not yet.”

Yuuri fully expected Yakov to do the same as Yuri, to demand an answer, but instead, he didn’t. He nodded and told Victor to take as much time as he needed. The sight was sweet. Yakov was more than just a coach to Victor. He was almost like a father figure to him.

And suddenly the competition was only a day away and Victor was a nervous wreck.

They were all to travel to the Czech Republic the next day. Yuuri had no choice but to make it over by himself. Yakov made plans to buy Yuuri a plane ticket but found that he didn’t have a passport and couldn’t join them. Yuuri had wanted to travel with Victor this time, but he had to rely on Victor's trust in him and arrive there once again before they do.

Yuuri had chosen to stay with Victor for his last day of practice. He was sat on the bleachers with Yuri, watching Victor skate. He was practicing his routine, dancing, and gliding across the ice. Victor moved to jump, landing it with a stumble as his hand touched down on the ice. Yuuri could see the growing pained look on Victor’s face as he continued to skate. Beside him, Yuri huffed.

“I’ve never seen him like that,” He said and Yuuri glanced at him for a second before looking back at Victor. “I hate his depression for making him like this. When is the old man going to see a therapist? Or tell Yakov?”

Yuri always blamed Victor skating badly on his depression. Yuuri knew it wasn’t that. It was the Universe making Victor skate badly. The Universe was making Victor fail at one of the few things that pushed Victor to that bridge. It was as if it was trying to push Victor back there. Yuuri knew while he was with Victor, he wouldn’t let that happen. And Victor himself didn’t want it either, but the Universe was powerful, even more so than Yuuri, and Yuuri wondered how much time he had before the Universe caused a huge push.

That was if the Universe  _did_  cause a push. The Universe could easily snap its metaphorical fingers and instantly make Victor fail to qualify for another competition. Which would mean he would lose sponsors. He would lose his fans and his career. He would lose everything. And Yuuri, he didn’t know if he could help Victor through that.

Yuuri was enough to help Victor now, but could he help Victor if he loses everything?

“He said if he doesn’t find a way to cope, he will see a therapist,” Yuuri replied and Yuri rolled his eyes. “As for Yakov, it’s the same story for you.”

“With the way he’s been, he should just go see one,” Yuri said. Victor resumed his starting position, beginning his routine once more. “He isn’t handling it well, is he?”

Yuuri swallowed hard as he shook his head. “No. There’s… There’s only so much that I can do to help him, but skating… I don’t understand it like he does. I can’t help him with this.”

He desperately wanted to. He tried to understand it when he visited Yuko’s rink, practicing his own skating in hopes that he might one day understand it, but so far, he couldn’t. It didn’t appeal to him like it did Victor.

Yuri was silent as the two watched Victor. He landed a jump, smoothly and with ease. Yuuri held his gaze, watching, and waiting to see if his next jump was just as smooth. He moved, danced, and prepared himself when he spun in the air – and fell. He landed on the floor with a harsh  _thump_  and both Yuri and Yuuri winced at the sight.

Watching Victor push himself up, Yuri said, “He did try to kill himself in France, didn’t he?” Yuuri couldn’t confirm but he could neither deny. It wasn’t his place to speak about it. “I know he did. It was the night he met you, wasn’t it?”

“I cannot say,” Yuuri said, turning to meet Yuri’s eyes. “That isn’t my place to say.”

“You might as well tell me. I know that’s what he did. He would have denied it otherwise,” Yuri said and Yuuri hated that he was right. Victor didn’t deny it when Yuri asked and it was easy to tell that it was the reason. Yuuri sighed, feeling defeated. “Keep it to yourself all you want, but he’s practically confirmed it by not denying it.”

“He will tell you when he’s ready,” Yuuri replied and Yuri opened his mouth to say something, but Yuuri spoke before him. “But we did meet that night in France.”

There was a pause. “Did you stop him?”

“I did.”

Yuri met Yuuri’s eyes before he moved forward, arms circling around Yuuri as he delved into a hug. It took Yuuri by surprise, startling him before he eased into it. He returned the hug. Yuri then pulled back, wiping at his eyes and Yuuri smiled.

“You’re crying,” He said as he watched Yuri desperately wipe away the tears that fell.

“No, I’m not,” Yuri sniffed, hiding his face behind his hand. “It’s just… fuck, knowing he was that close to suicide… That I had no idea… What if he tries it again without us knowing?”

“Not while I’m with him. I won’t ever let that happen,” Yuuri said and Yuri met his stare. “It can be a silent killer. You don’t know until it happens. But that doesn’t mean you can’t help him in the future. He survived that night. He has the rest of his life ahead of him.”

“Thank you,” Yuri said. Yuuri bowed his head, accepting it. “I will be honest, I still think you’re a freak. You’re just so weird, like, it’s not normal. But you… You helped Victor. You saved him and I think I owe you my trust.”

“Thank you, Yuri,” Yuuri smiled. He felt warmth, happiness spreading through his being. “I’m happy you trust me.”

“Just don’t hurt him.”

As Yuuri met Victor’s form on the ice, he knew one thing. “I could never do that.”

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri said his goodbyes to Victor. They kissed and Victor’s soul ached with a loss as he entered the airport. Yuuri watched, seeing Victor disappear in the crowd but his soul kept Yuuri’s gaze.

Victor’s soul had been struggling the past week. While the cracks through his sorrow still held, they began to recover, hiding away the bright positivity that sat beneath. Yuuri feared that this competition, Victor’s soul would become what it once was before – dim, fading and dying. Yuuri feared that he couldn’t help Victor’s soul recover, but Yuuri did notice one change to Victor’s soul.

He no longer felt loneliness.

It became aware to Yuuri only recently. He didn’t even notice it disappearing, having not paid much attention to his soul recently. He found himself staring not at Victor’s soul anymore, but at Victor himself. Victor was… beautiful. His soul, his being, his everything was so beautiful to Yuuri and Victor’s soul wasn’t the only thing he gazed upon anymore.

It must have been the reason why Yuuri never noticed the change. It would have been a slow recovery but Yuuri would have thought he would notice it. He had the thought that perhaps he didn’t need to look at Victor’s soul all the time anymore. As much as Victor’s soul told Yuuri what Victor was feeling, Yuuri felt he was able to read Victor well enough without needing to look at his soul.

And while Victor’s soul didn’t hold the lonely feeling he had felt for years, Yuuri hoped it was enough to encourage his soul to keep its fight during the next competition.

Yuuri helped a few spirits during his wait for Victor to land. It was as usual. He’d speak to them, show them a light and they would move on. It was rather simple. Once people saw the light they felt enough confidence to move on. It wasn’t often that he struggled to do so. It was only an evil soul that Yuuri struggled to move on.

But that wasn’t the worst.

The Universes disappointment in Yuuri for saving Victor was nothing compared to the anger it felt when Yuuri let a spirit roam free.

It was centuries ago. Yuuri went to help a young woman who died. Her soul hung onto life and she begged with desperation for Yuuri to not move her on. She had wanted to see something, to make sure that someone was okay. Back then, Yuuri didn’t care for who or what. He was going to move her on eventually and he thought a day of letting her roam free wouldn’t hurt.

He came back later in search for her soul, but he couldn’t find it. He searched around her village, looking for her soul. It had vanished, and for a while, Yuuri thought her soul had moved on by herself. He chose not to worry about it. Spirits could move themselves on, he assumed it was what she had done. Her presence had practically vanished from sight. It was the only assumption Yuuri could take.

And time went by uneventfully. The Universe held a silence for a while and it had Yuuri wonder what it was doing. He would usually hear its whispers and feel its aura around him, but after the soul had vanished, the Universe was quiet. It had disappeared too.

But then the Universe returned at full force, pushing a burning pain against Yuuri’s back moments before Yuuri felt the death – the murder, of a soul. The Universe was furious and the soul was killed by something that was not human. It was sinister and evil.

Yuuri discovered the creation of a demon that day. It held the soul of the woman he let roam free. Her soul that was once full of light and love had become something fiery and evil. It felt nothing but evil, a hatred that burned deep inside. Yuuri knew whatever the woman had seen during her time of roaming had changed her. Whatever hatred she felt completely took over her soul, creating something so horrific that who she was once before no longer existed. Her soul couldn’t move on. It had died against the evil as a monster was created.

That monster was the first time Yuuri ever had to kill. He had to fight the demon. He had to force it into death before it killed another soul. There was a difference between killing a human and killing their soul. The murder of a human still allowed the soul to flourish and move on, finding a new life to lead. The death of a soul was morbid. The soul no longer existed and the spirit of the human would forever be unable to move on. It would roam the world endlessly, stuck in limbo for the rest of its existence, even long after the Earth would perish. That human would be stuck on the rock, forever waiting for the death of the Universe.

And Yuuri wouldn’t be able to help them. The death of their soul meant he had no control. Yuuri cared for souls. He moved souls on and helped them into an afterlife. Every human, spirit, ghost –  everything had a soul. But when they didn’t, he couldn’t help.

He didn’t think it was fair. The human did nothing wrong and the demon targeted them just for the sake of blood. Yuuri killed that demon, using his own two hands to end its life before it ended someone else’s. Yuuri never had blood on his hands before.

It was the first time he felt pain. The demon was strong, even against Death. It had claws, sharp and painful that cut through Yuuri’s skin. He didn’t bleed, nor did it cut, but he felt the pain from it as if it had. He felt the sharp sting of its sharp blades across his back. Yuuri had felt that pain for three days.

The Universe never punished him for that mistake. It merely helped him. It gave Yuuri the ability to be everywhere at once. Souls were growing and Yuuri struggled to keep up. It gave Yuuri that ability and since then, he had to deal with only two other demons. The Universe helped him that way and Yuuri didn’t fear a demon running loose anymore. The Universe had helped him back then, but it ignored Yuuri now, and it made him think.

He understood the Universes prolonged silence back then, but he didn’t understand it now. He had a lot of questions he needed answered.

Yuuri sat in the deep mountains somewhere in the middle of Canada. He didn’t know where but that didn’t matter. He needed the silence and the solitude of life around him. 

He laid on his back, resting against the cold grass as he gazed upon the bright blue sky sat above him. Not a cloud was in sight, only a seemingly endless sky that surrounded every inch of his vision. He closed his eyes and listened.

He heard life that surrounded him and the souls at peace. He listened to the birds’ tweets, the grass sway in the wind, and the distinct tiny noises of insects. Their noises grew as Yuuri listened further, becoming louder and louder until he fell into the depths of time, listening further, deeper, past what any human could ever hear. He fell between the veil of reality, the afterlife, and everything in between. 

And as Yuuri breathed, he became one with the Universe as his existence relaxed into a state like death.

Yuuri focused, waiting for the Universe's voice. He wanted to hear its words – to speak to it and receive the answers he desperately needed. Yuuri fell further into the darkness of time, back into the ancient world where the spirits walked and the Earth was born. He waited endlessly as he moved forward in his aura. The ambiance of the Universe was familiar to him, surrounding his being with a sense of familiarity as Yuuri waited for its voice.

And Yuuri waited. And waited, but the Universe did not speak. The Universe remained silent, hiding enclosed in the depths of time and away from Yuuri’s questions.

Then Yuuri’s focus slipped. He fell back into existence with the force of a thousand stars, slamming back into reality as his senses became clear. The birds’ calls were loud. The suns rays were warm against his face. He was back on Earth, but as Yuuri felt up, he felt the heavy burn of defeat. He noticed the sorrow that pulled at his insides, tugging his chest as a lump formed in his throat and Yuuri didn’t understand.

The Universe continued its silence. It hadn’t spoken with Yuuri since he saved Victor and he wondered if he truly angered it this time. His choice in saving Victor was his own, yet it targeted Victor instead, inflicting such pain on his soul that Yuuri found it unfair. Victor didn’t deserve that. Yuuri didn’t deserve to be ignored either.

To receive an endless silence from his creator… Yuuri believed the Universe had abandoned him.

The lump in his throat grew and the tingling in his eyes was strange. It was almost pushing forward a need for release but Yuuri didn’t understand it. He didn’t like the feeling. He wasn’t sure how to feel and all he wanted was to be with Victor. He wished to lie in his arms and hide away from those uncertain emotions.

But Yuuri had to wait.

He arrived at the airport earlier than necessary. His hands trembled as he played with them. The lump in his throat wouldn’t budge, no matter how much he tried to distract himself, it stayed. He found himself chewing on his lip after a while, another meek attempt to distract himself.

And then he felt it. He turned, eyes scanning through the crowds. He could feel Victor’s soul, almost as if it was calling for him. Yuuri scanned the crowd of souls, looking for the one that had cracks through, the one that was fighting and calling for Yuuri. Then, his eyes landed on it and as he focused his gaze, he saw Victor from across the airport, a smile on his face as their eyes met.

Yuuri moved, his legs working without his mind. He stepped forward, one foot after another as he got closer to Victor. Victor felt it too, his own feet storming ahead. They met in the middle, arms circled around each other, tugging each other as close as possible. In their embrace, Yuuri felt warmth – a comfort that only Victor could give him. He took in everything he felt in that moment, wanting to remember this when they had to part.

After his attempt at speaking with the Universe, this was what he craved. All he wanted was to fulfill his desperate need to have Victor by his side. The ache he felt yearned to Victor, tugging and pulling at Yuuri’s insides until that one moment where they touched – and Yuuri felt comfort.

“Yuuri,” Victor breathed and Yuuri felt himself tightening his grip.

And in that moment, Yuuri finally learned what it was that he was feeling. It was the same he felt when Victor was absent, away from Yuuri while he was alone. “I missed you,” He murmured, burying his face further into the crook of Victor’s neck. “I missed you so much.”

Victor’s fingers stroked through Yuuri’s hair, weaving the strands between his fingers as he whispered back, “I missed you too.” And something in Yuuri made him feel a high. It was a light, warm glow that made it seem as if Yuuri’s worries just faded away. They were always there, but in that moment, they felt a world away.

They had no choice but to pull apart. As much as they wanted to stay close, they couldn’t stand in their embrace in the middle of an airport all day. They walked along with the others, hand in hand and as close as they could be.

Getting inside the hotel was a little less hectic than before. A few reporters wanted to ask questions and while Yakov and Yuri had stayed behind, Victor said he didn’t want to answer any questions they had for him. Instead, he and Yuuri made their way to their room.

The second the door closed, Victor’s hands were over him, pushing him back against the door as he captured Yuuri’s lips with his own. And they kissed, lips pressed together and their hands exploring the curves and dips of the other's body. Yuuri’s hands always found Victor’s hair. He liked Victor’s hair. He liked the way it felt against his fingers. But he also liked the way Victor’s tongue felt as he felt the push of it into his mouth.

And then they were on the bed. Victor crawled on top. His hands slipped under Yuuri’s shirt, his fingertips touching Yuuri’s skin as his hand caressed the curves of his waist. Yuuri could feel little sparks of static dance over his skin, Victor’s touch making him feel more than just the warmth from his palms.

Eventually, Victor pulled back. He panted, breathing in deep and heavy breaths. He was worn down and as Yuuri brushed Victor’s fringe away, he asked, “Are you okay?”

Victor took a deep breath as he nodded. He swallowed hard, trying to ease his gasps. “Yeah – Yeah, I – I just…” He took another breath, willing his breathing to ease. “I’m… I’m trying not to…” He glanced down and Yuuri saw a bulge, pressing forward against his trousers.

Yuuri met his eyes. This… Yuuri didn’t need it now. He wanted to talk. But Victor wanted pleasure. Victor needed it, and Yuuri thought to the first night this happened. He didn’t want Victor to hold back. He wanted to see Victor let go. He wanted to learn more about what Victor liked.

But Yuuri needed to make sense of his feelings.

“I – I want to talk,” Yuuri said and Victor met his gaze. He looked fearful and Yuuri didn’t want that. His hand caressed Victor’s cheek, moving to his hair as he said, “But like I said, I don’t want you to hold back. I can wait.”

“W-What do you want to talk about?” Victor asked, shifting back to stare at Yuuri full. “You’re – You’re not… leaving me, are you?”

“What?” Yuuri gaped. He didn’t know how Victor came to that conclusion but it was completely out of the question. “No! No, of course not. It’s something I want to… I want to make sense of. It can wait until after.”

Victor sighed with relief, his head falling to Yuuri’s chest as he breathed. “Oh, thank god.” He murmured against Yuuri’s shirt. He raised his head, looking up at Yuuri. “When you said you wanted to talk, I thought… It – it was stupid. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Yuuri said. His fingers stroked through Victor’s hair, calming him. He glanced down, noticing the bulge still in Victor’s trousers and he needed to address it. “You’re still hard.”

Victor groaned as he sighed. “Yup. Yeah. That’s – ugh…” He bit his lip. “Let’s just ignore that for now. You – you wanted to talk?”

“Victor, I –”

“You wanted to make sense of something,” Victor interrupted Yuuri. “I want to help you first. Then I’ll deal with this, okay?” He pointed to the bulge in his trousers. Yuuri didn’t want Victor to ignore it. He wanted Victor to deal with it first. His problems were something he didn’t think were as necessary. But as Victor settled down beside him, lying on his side, Yuuri knew he wasn’t going to let it go.

“It’s stupid, Victor,” Yuuri said. It really was. He didn’t know how he could even explain it. “You don’t have to ignore your needs.”

“And you don’t have to ignore your worries for my needs,” Victor spoke back. Yuuri swallowed, unsure how to reply. “Please don’t ignore your worries because of me. I don’t want that.”

As Yuuri met Victor’s eyes, he sighed. “Okay.” He nodded, preparing himself to begin. He didn’t know where to start. His worries, they were about his emotions. The one he felt before he saw Victor, the one that made his throat feel trapped and his eyes strange. He wanted to ask about that.

“Tell me, Yuuri,” Victor mumbled, low and sweet into Yuuri’s ear. “Did something happen?”

“Yes,” Yuuri said, then paused. “No. well, nothing happened. That was the problem.”

“Is this a problem you can explain to me?” Victor asked and Yuuri shook his head. The only way he could discuss this was to tell Victor he was Death. That… he wasn’t ready for. “Okay, I will try my best to help.”

Yuuri smile was soft. Just knowing Victor was going to try and ease his negative emotions made him feel a little better. “It isn’t really nothing happening that made me want to talk about it. It’s… It’s the way I felt afterward.”

“How did you feel?” Victor asked, shifting beside Yuuri so his arm rested over his stomach.

“I don’t know,” Yuuri answered. “It was strange. I – I felt… It wasn’t a nice feeling. I felt this lump in my throat and my eyes felt strange. I couldn’t shake it. It felt more like I was biting it back, and all I wanted after was… was to be with you.”

Victor raised his head, staring at Yuuri for a moment before his eyes turned soft and a warm smile stretched across his face. He gave Yuuri a quick kiss before saying, “That’s all I wanted when I was on that plane too.” Yuuri returned the grin. “And that feeling… Did you want to cry?”

“Cry?” Yuuri’s brows dropped and Victor nodded. Yuuri didn’t cry. He never cried. And it wouldn’t make sense. It didn’t make sense. Why would he cry at the Universe ignoring him? He shook his head. “It can’t be. It doesn’t make sense.”

“It doesn’t sometimes,” Victor answered. “Trust me, I know. Sometimes we just cry because… We just do.” He then paused, his brows dropping as he thought to himself. “You really didn’t know what crying felt like?”

Yuuri had no way to get out of that one so he shook his head. “No. I’ve never cried.”

“Wow.”

Neither spoke a word after that. Yuuri was mostly to think and he assumed Victor didn’t know how else to reply. Yuuri thought about the feeling of crying. He didn’t like it. It wasn’t something he wanted to feel again but all he could think about was how Victor felt when he cried. That feeling he felt, Victor did too. The idea of Victor feeling that so much more than Yuuri – more than most people – it made the feeling want to stay.

Then he felt Victor shift beside him, almost as if he wanted to grind against Yuuri but he held back. Yuuri stared down, eyeing at the bulge in his trousers. His problem was solved, but Victor’s wasn’t.

“Do you still want to –?”

“Yeah,” Victor said through a breath. “I – I need… I still need…”

Yuuri didn’t know where his sudden spike of confidence hit, but he found it. He rolled over, easing Victor to lay on his back while Yuuri hovered over. Victor blinked up at him, startled by the action. Yuuri leaned close, his breath against Victor’s ear as he whispered, “May I touch you?”

Victor whimpered as he nodded. He bit his lip, staring Yuuri in the eye as Yuuri moved back. His hand reached down, unbuckling Victor’s belt. Yuuri glanced up, checking with Victor if it was okay to continue. Victor met his eye and the silent plea to continue was enough to encourage Yuuri to fumble with the button of his jeans. He pulled the zip, meeting with Victor’s underwear when –

“…Where do I go from here?” Yuuri asked. Victor leaned up, his arms behind as he stared Yuuri in the eye, a hint of confusion through his eyes. “I’ve… never done this before.”

Victor bit the inside of his cheek, thinking to himself. He then raised a hand, gesturing Yuuri to move forward. Yuuri did and Victor rearranged himself. He laid on his side, one arm laid across the bed while the other held onto Yuuri’s wrist, encouraging him to lay behind him and as Yuuri did, Victor shifted his body backward, pressing himself against Yuuri’s.

“I’ll tell you what to do,” Victor spoke lowly, almost a whisper. He guided Yuuri’s hand to Victor’s front, Yuuri’s arm circling around him. Victor paused for a moment before turning his head and said, “Put your leg in between mine.”

Yuuri did. His leg moved forward and Victor’s legs tangled around his, his thigh in between Victor’s own. Victor’s grip on Yuuri’s wrist moved his hand down, moving it until it hovered over his crotch. Yuuri could feel the heat and as Victor’s hand gently curled over his, he eased Yuuri’s hand forward until his hand curled around the bulge. Victor let out a soft sigh, head falling back as he took in the feeling.

“Just – just palm at it. Like – Ah, yeah, like –” Yuuri did as Victor told him, palming at the bulge and Victor gasped, a light moan escaping his lips. His hand around Yuuri’s own pressed, encouraging Yuuri to stroke and feel at Victor’s crotch. He groaned with delight, taking enjoyment in the way Yuuri was touching him.

And Yuuri was enjoying it too. The feeling of Victor’s body pressed against his own, his hand giving Victor the pleasure he was feeling, the sounds Victor made, it was something Yuuri wanted to do again. He wanted to bring Victor that kind of pleasure, to distract his mind from his fears.

Yuuri had the suspicion that this was to distract Victor’s mind from the competition. But there was a thought in the back of Yuuri’s mind. A question that had Yuuri think. He knew there was lust in Victor’s eyes. There was a hint of affection too. But there was something else. There was something Yuuri couldn’t identify, something that was stronger than Victor’s look of lust. He didn’t know what it was, but he liked that look. He liked it more than lust.

And while that emotion was stronger than lust, Yuuri didn’t mind if it was Victor’s need for a distraction, because that look made Yuuri know that Victor felt that way more than just to distract himself. It was an emotion that he showed none of his previous lovers, and Yuuri, he took pride in that.

“Y-Yuuri, that’s – fuck. Wait, wait,” Victor’s hand moved to his wrist, gripping it, pulling it back slightly. Yuuri paused, waiting for Victor to give him the next instruction. He panted for a moment, breathing in deep intakes of breaths then letting them out before he found the breath to say, “Reach in. Touch me.”

He eased Yuuri’s hand inside his underwear. His hand rested above his, guiding his hand as he wrapped Yuuri’s around his cock. He gently curled Yuuri’s hand around his length, guiding it to stroke back and forth. Victor let out a hitched gasp, a light moan escaping his lips as he let go of Yuuri’s hand, giving him full control.

Yuuri kept the pace, slowly, as he listened to Victor’s moans. Yuuri’s free arm curled beneath Victor, reaching around at his chest and pulling Victor closer. Victor began to quiver, his breath coming out in faint pants as he gasped, moaning Yuuri’s name.

“Y-Yuuri,” Victor gasped, “Keep – keep going. It’s –  _Ah_  – it feels so good.” He groaned, lolling his head back as his mouth let out such a lewd noise. But Yuuri, he took pleasure in the sound. He kissed the back of Victor’s neck, speeding up his pace as he encouraged Victor to let go.

And Victor did. He gripped Yuuri’s arm tight as he reached his climax. His mouth hung open and he moaned loud, twitching and trembling as Yuuri stroked him through his orgasm. His hands twisted around Yuuri’s wrist, his nails digging into his skin as he spilled wet heat in his underwear. Victor panted, settling down from the orgasm that hit. Yuuri continued to press kisses to Victor’s neck and back, easing him as he caught his breath.

Yuuri let go of Victor’s cock. His hand was covered in white. A tissue was then in front of his face and Yuuri stared at it for a moment before taking it from Victor’s hand. He cleaned his hand, throwing the tissue in the trash. As he turned back, his arms circled around Victor who moved to lie on his back. Victor stared at him and Yuuri blinked, wondering what was going through his mind.

“You’re ignoring your own pleasure, Yuuri.”

He wondered what Victor meant by that. Victor’s eyes glanced down for a second before looking back up. Yuuri’s gaze fell to his own trousers and the obvious bulge he had in his own. He blinked, startled by the way his body reacted to Victor’s. This was new. He never reacted to pleasure like that before.

“I’m fine,” Yuuri said, meeting Victor’s gaze. He opened his mouth to speak, but Yuuri stopped him. “No, don’t. I – I’m fine. I’m not… I don’t want –”

“Are you afraid of me seeing you that way?” Victor asked. Yuuri shook his head. He wasn’t. Not at all. Victor blinked before raising a brow. “Then what is it?”

“I promised you I wouldn’t hold back, and I’m not,” Yuuri began. “I don’t… I don’t feel I – I need to…”

“Do deal with it?”

“Not deal with it,” Yuuri corrected. He thought of the right words to say. “I – It’s all new. I told you, everything is new. I just – I want to take it one step at a time. I want to figure out what you like before I discover my own pleasure.”

Victor frowned as he sighed. “You can’t keep ignoring your own needs for my own.”

“I know.”

“But do you?” Victor asked. Yuuri met his stare. He was certain he knew. He didn’t have all the needs Victor had, it was different. He was sure of it. “I don’t want you to think this is a one-sided thing. You don’t have to dedicate life and limb to me. I want you to be a part of this too. I want you to ask for my comfort. I want you to find your pleasure with me. I want you to choose for yourself.”

Yuuri choosing for himself lead Victor to suffer with a consequence. Yuuri didn’t feel too confident choosing for himself anymore. But Victor wanted him to and he knew his choice wasn’t going to end in a long-term consequence. He would be learning and Victor wanted him to learn. He wanted him to explore his feelings and discover his likes and dislikes but at his own pace.

Victor… He wanted Yuuri to be Yuuri. Not Death, not an idea, but Yuuri.

And Yuuri smiled, pressed a light kiss to Victor’s forehead and said, “I don’t feel ready to discover my own needs just yet. When I do, I will let you know,” Yuuri then paused. “And I promise I will try. I want this to work.”

“Me too,” Victor smiled back and Yuuri knew he meant it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy, you guys are in for a few angsty chapters. Europeans are on the way and competitions seem to be Victor's worst moments! ;-; Things do start to get more interesting though. I feel like the past few chapters have been a little... dull? But hey, development!  
> Also, a small development in their relationship this. Yuuri's getting a little more confidence.  
> And the Universe. It's being mean. As usual.
> 
>  
> 
> In other news, I have a full seven days off work this week! Time off work is great and I don't have much planned either, so you know what that means? I can get a butt ton of writing done! Chapters should be every two days again and I'm excite!!!!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're at the European Championships!  
> Again, the timeline isn't important but I feel I should still inform you guys.
> 
> I'm going by 2017 European Championship, held in Ostrava, Czech Republic.
> 
> Men's short program: 01.27.17  
> Men's free skate: 01.28.17  
> And I believe their medal ceremony/exhibition skate is held on the 29th.
> 
> That's the timeline I'm going with. I hope it doesn't bother anyone! It's probably inaccurate, but hey. As I said, the timeline isn't too important to know!

 

The morning before Victor had to compete, he had last practice to do before the main event, and Yuuri knew he was already nervous. He could see it in his hands, the tremble of fear that made Victor restless. Victor was trying to calm his heart, taking a deep breath whenever he felt too nervous. After a while, it became repetitive and stopped easing his nerves.

Yuuri wanted to ease his nerves. He sat on the edge of the bed, helping Victor search for his phone charger in his suitcase when the tremble in Victor’s hands was causing him to get frustrated. Yuuri stared at them before his mind went into autopilot and Yuuri reached for Victor’s hands. He held them in his own, pulling them close to his mouth and pressed a light kiss to Victor’s knuckles.

He stared up at Victor, smiling as he said, “Think of me when you skate.”

Victor held his stare for a moment, almost as if he was trying to take in what Yuuri had said and done. Then a smile slowly broke free on his face as he nodded and said, “I will.” He bit his lip, certain of his choice. “Yes, definitely. I will.”

Yuuri knew it was enough to ease his nerves for the day, but it gave him the idea that he would do better if he thought of Yuuri. Yuuri knew it wouldn’t. It didn’t matter what Victor thought of or did, it wouldn’t help his skating. But if it calmed him, Yuuri thought it was enough.

“You’ll be okay today, Victor,” Yuuri reassured him. Today he would be okay. He just had practice and practice didn’t hurt him as bad as a competition did. “Just think of it as another day at practice.”

 “It’s different,” Victor replied as his face dropped. “There will people there, talking about me. They’ll… the other skaters, they –”

“Won’t say a word if I’m there,” Yuuri spoke, determined. “I won’t let them. Not this time.”

Yuuri swore to himself that he would never let anyone speak about Victor the way they had before. While he didn’t want to make a scene, he wouldn’t let it go unheard. He would say something back. He wanted to speak to the people who thought they had the right to say such rude words about Victor, and tell them that they don’t.

Victor’s smile seemed so genuinely sweet. He kissed Yuuri. And Yuuri felt nothing but affection.

They made their way to the rink. Yuuri decided he wanted to be by Victor’s side in the morning. While he still needed to be alone to check on the spirit world, Yuuri wanted – _needed_ to be with Victor. Just for a while.

They arrived at the rink. Yuuri placed a gentle kiss to Victor’s lips, gave him a look of motivation before sending him on his way. Yuuri sat at the side, keeping his eyes on Victor. He watched him as he skated, seeing every jump and spin that Victor succeeded, and failed at. Every time he watched Victor fall, it was nothing but the constant reminder of his own choice being that cause. He made a choice that made the Universe retaliate.

And Yuuri hated it.

He thought about it a lot. He thought about everything – Victor’s skating, the consequence, if he would tell Victor what he did one day, and more. There was so much he thought about and he didn’t know where to begin. He wished for the Universe to have not retaliated, but while it did, he felt he struggled to help Victor. He couldn’t give Victor exactly what he needed. He didn’t know what else to do.

He knew Victor needed support. He knew Victor wanted a resolution to his problems, but that, he couldn’t help. The Universe was simply setting itself back on course. Victor was going to fail skating, no matter what Yuuri did. Yuuri couldn’t change it because Victor was supposed to die. He was supposed to be gone from both life and the skating world. His continued presence in the skating world was what the Universe was going to fight back against and it was going to keep fighting, until the day Victor decided to retire or… die.

Yuuri knew this and while he wanted to fight back, he found himself thinking that perhaps it was making things worse. He wanted to let Victor have a second chance at life and to have the competitive year that he wanted, but the Universe refused it.

He wished the Universe didn’t have to react with a consequence. He wished the Universe had aimed for something Victor could live without. Skating was his life, and while the Universe was refusing that from him, Yuuri now knew that he should stop helping Victor continue with his skating. He needed to help Victor live a life without it.

Yuuri didn’t like it, but it was the best he could do.

“And there is the special man himself,” A voice behind him spoke and Yuuri spun around, his eyes landed on Chris. Yuuri stared wide eyed. He hadn’t expected Chris to come and talk to him in person. Chris tilted his head to the side, eyeing Yuuri curiously as he said, “It’s Chris. Do you remember me?”

Yuuri nodded. “Oh, yes. I remember you.” He couldn’t forget Chris. He was… a character, as Yuuri would explain him. Chris moved and sat beside Yuuri. They were silent as they stared out at the rink, watching Victor and a few other competitors skate. Yuuri glanced over at Chris, brow raised and unsure why he was there.

“How have things been with you and Victor?” Chris then spoke, startling Yuuri from his thoughts. Chris gave him a glance with a sly smile as he said, “I’m sure you two have gotten closer since we last spoke?”

Yuuri’s brows dropped. It was true, he and Victor _had_ gotten closer, but he didn’t know in what way Chris was suggesting. His voice sounded as if he was hinting at something. Yuuri thought back to it and it sounded… suggestive. “Has… Has Victor said anything?” He asked, before adding, “About us, I mean.”

“Yuuri, I am rather close with Victor. If something really good happens to him, he tells me,” Chris replied and Yuuri took that as a yes. He blinked, startled as he stared off into the distance. “He really does like you Yuuri.”

“And I like him,” Yuuri said without hesitation, meeting Chris’ eyes with a focused stare. “I’m happy to give him what he wants. He deserves so much.”

“He wants to return the favor to you too, Yuuri,” Chris said and Yuuri didn’t know what he meant. “Victor didn’t message me for a while. It seemed as if he was trying to distance himself. But it wasn’t until you arrived that I started hearing from him. Then all he started talking about was you. I’ll admit, it was annoying after a while, but he was happy.”

Yuuri smiled. He liked making Victor happy. “I’m glad.”

“You should be,” Chris smiled. He then eyed Yuuri with a curious look and said, “I don’t think you understood me when I said you two have gotten closer, did you?”

Yuuri thought back to it. He wasn’t certain what Chris had meant, but he wanted to guess. “Do you mean in our relationship?”

“Sex, Yuuri,” Chris stated. Yuuri recoiled back with surprise. “You two haven’t had sex yet, have you? But you have done something, am I right?”

The question startled him. He thought back to when he was going to tell Yuko what Victor had done and how she reacted. And now Chris was asking about it. It confused him. Some people spoke about it while others didn’t. Was it a preference? Culture difference?

Yuuri’s mind flashed to the times Victor would grind against his leg, coming undone with pleasure. And last night, when he pleased Victor with his own hands. When he met Chris’ eyes, he didn’t see how Yuko looked when Yuuri mentioned it. He saw curiosity in his soul, and enjoyment for that kind of pleasure. Chris was open about sex and Yuuri almost felt relief by that.

“He sometimes gets desperate for touch,” Yuuri said, finding himself being more open about what he thought had to be private and between just him and Victor. He now knew that some people didn’t mind hearing it while others did, and Yuuri had to choose his words carefully. “I want to please him.”

“I didn’t expect you to be so open. You seemed as if you wouldn’t talk about sex,” Chris said and Yuuri shrugged. He didn’t expect it either.

He then thought back to Chris asking if he and Victor had sex, and Yuuri’s brows dropped. “What makes you think we haven’t had sex yet?” Yuuri asked, curious why Chris thought otherwise.

Chris raised a single brow, giving Yuuri a sly smile as he said, “Yuuri. Like I said, if something really good happens to Victor, he will tell me. He has yet to tell me you two have done anything beyond… him getting very desperate those few nights. Is that right?”

Yuuri began to wonder how much Victor had told Chris. He didn’t mind. He was happy that Victor was talking to more people, that he was being more open about the things that made him happy. “Yeah, that’s right,” Yuuri said, nodding.

“But that isn’t the reason why I came over here.”

Yuuri raised a brow, “What was it?”

Chris was silent for a moment, watching Victor skating across the ice. Yuuri did too, watching him as he got ready to do a spin. It was sloppy, even Yuuri could see it was. “Is Victor… okay?”

Yuuri faced Chris. He was concerned for Victor. It occurred to Yuuri that almost everyone who spoke to him had some concern over Victor. They all cared for him one way or another and Yuuri wondered how Victor could have felt so alone.

He didn’t want to lie to Chris, but he didn’t want to say what the reason was either, so he settled with simply shaking his head side to side. Chris pursed his lips, keeping his eye on Victor. “He’s battling something. I can tell.”

“What do you mean?” Yuuri asked.

“I’ve been competing against Victor for years. And this year, after the Grand Prix, it’s going to be my last,” Chris spoke and Yuuri listened. “I know how Victor is when he skates. He usually looks so effortless when he does, as if it was easier than breathing for him. But look at him now.” Yuuri stared at Victor. He was concentrating hard, his brows dropped slightly and a frown on his lips. Victor looked as if he was becoming irritated, and that was what Chris was pointing out. “He looks like he’s about to burst a fuse. I’ve never seen him like this before.”

The guilt Yuuri hoped had disappeared returned, tugging at his stomach in twisted knots. “I’ve been trying to help him,” Yuuri found himself saying. He didn’t even realize he spoke until the words fell out of his mouth, and he found they couldn’t stop. “It’s – it’s my fault. I’ve been trying to help him but he’s just… just been getting worse. I want nothing more than to bring his soul back to life but I can’t because I can’t help him with his skating. There’s nothing I can do about it.”

“And how is that your fault?” Chris asked, raising a brow. Yuuri couldn’t answer. He wanted to, but he couldn’t. “You can’t blame yourself for something that is out of your control. But you are trying to help Victor, and that is more than any other person here has done. Including me, I won’t exclude myself in that.”

“But –”

“No, Yuuri. You’re trying to help him. I owe you for that. You’ve done more for Victor than he would probably ask you. You should give yourself some credit,” Chris spoke sternly and Yuuri could feel his brows in a permanent drop, a mixture of disagreement and guilt for thinking that Chris may be right. It was out of his control, and he was trying, but it didn’t ease the feeling. Chris moved forward, his hand landing to Yuuri’s forearm. Yuuri glanced down, then back up at Chris, blinking. “You’ve made Victor the happiest I’ve seen him in over a year. You deserve to give yourself some credit.”

Yuuri thought about it. All he wanted was to make Victor happy and while his soul still struggled against the growing sorrow that bit back at the brightness that tried to break free, he took some of Chris’ words to thought. If Chris said Yuuri had made Victor happy, he would take it. That was all he wanted and hearing it from someone else, an outsider with a different perspective. It made Yuuri feel confident in himself.

As he stared over at Victor, eyeing his soul, he knew that whatever the outcome was for this competition, he would feel confident in himself to be able to help Victor. He had during Nationals, he could during Europeans. As much as he wanted Victor to continue his skating career, because that was all Victor wanted, he decided his goal was to not only help Victor find his happiness but to also accept a life outside of skating.

But Yuuri thought to himself if it was fair for him to make that decision for Victor. It was Victor’s choice, but Victor couldn’t continue on if it was going to hurt him. He knew he had to say something to Victor and voice his concerns. But regardless what Victor would choose, Yuuri would be there for him, whatever the outcome.

“I will try,” Yuuri spoke and Chris smiled. “Just knowing I’ve made him happy makes me happy. That’s all I want.”

Chris was silent for a moment. “I truly believe that you were made for Victor,” He spoke and Yuuri almost laughed. The thought seemed absurd. The Universe wouldn’t cause Victor so much despair if that was the case. At least, he thought so. “You two just fit. I think you might be the one he would want to spend the rest of his life with.”

Yuuri’s gaze never turned from Victor as his smile was warm and he said, “I hope so.”

 

* * *

 

 

There was something about competitions that just made Victor fall.

Yuuri had spent most of the evening helping spirits, guiding them into the afterlife. It was his usual routine, even when Victor had a competition. He would always return back to their hotel room before Victor does so he could welcome Victor back and make sure he was okay.

But Victor was already there when Yuuri returned. Yuuri appeared in the sitting room and in an instant, his eyes fell onto Victor’s soul, sat in the bathroom. He didn’t even realize Victor had returned back early. Victor’s soul didn’t move but the distinct noise of the shower was heard.

Victor’s soul was pained, aching, and desperate for an escape. It was begging for help, calling out for anyone to save it while Victor remained silent, unaware of the calling of his soul. But like broken glass, his soul still had the cracks. His soul still held onto that shimmer of hope, shining through the breaks in his soul and trying to fight back. It was defenseless, being attacked with every jab, stab and cut of every thought that went through Victor’s mind, but it held on.

Yuuri pushed the bathroom door open. Through the steam of heat inside the shower, he saw a figure sat on the ground. It was Victor, backed up in the corner with an arm wrapped around his legs and his other covering his head. He looked as if he was hiding and he was. He was trying to escape the world.

Yuuri moved to turn the shower off. Victor didn’t move. It was much like last time. Victor made no move to acknowledge Yuuri’s presence. But Yuuri knew how to help him this time. He knew how to ease Victor in a way he struggled with before. He grabbed the fluffiest, softest towel he could find and draped it over Victor’s shoulders. He sat beside Victor, arms around him as Yuuri whispered encouraging words to him. He probably wasn’t listening and Yuuri knew that, but he wanted Victor to hear them when he _did_ listen. Yuuri hushed him, easing his pain as he rocked him side to side, hoping that he would come too, soon.

And eventually, he did.

He raised his head, blinking at the light that hurt his eyes. He glanced up at Yuuri, taking a moment before his brain caught up. He breathed in a shaky breath, eyes watering as he stared up at Yuuri. “I – I came b-back and you weren’t – weren’t here,” Victor gasped between breaths. Yuuri could see the panic begin to build, the tension growing in his face and limbs as he began to tremble. “Where – Where did y-you…?”

“I just went out Victor,” Yuuri spoke softly. “I’m so sorry. I should have been here for you.”

“I missed you,” Victor’s breathing became more rapid, more shallow. “I – I needed y-you. I need – I –” He gasped in tiny breaths, desperate for his lungs to let him breathe. Yuuri reacted, needing to calm Victor’s panic. He didn’t know what caused it, but he needed to ease him. He needed to calm him down and help him.

Yuuri tried to pull him in but he didn’t budge. His arms almost refused to move from there they were holding onto his own body – curled up in a ball and protected from the world. But he wasn’t protected, not from his own mind that caused his heart and soul such pain and panic. Victor’s hands shot up, clawing at his hair as he started to pull and Yuuri needed to ease him. He needed to do something.

“Victor!” Yuuri gasped as he gripped Victor’s wrists. He didn’t know how to ease Victor’s panic. He never panicked like this before. Yuuri knew how to ease his cries, but his panic was completely different. His panic had him ignore everything except for the rapid beating of his heart, the desperate need for breath and his own thoughts turning against him.

Victor was nothing but a trembling fearful mess. Yuuri knew he didn’t hear any of his pleas for Victor to listen to him, to pay attention and concentrate on only him. Yuuri decided that if Victor couldn’t listen to him then perhaps Victor could feel him.

His arms circled around Victor. It wasn’t an easy position and the shower floor was the least comfortable place for the two to be sitting but Yuuri stuck through. He kept his arms around Victor, tugging him as close as he could. He managed to remove Victor’s hands from his own hair and Yuuri replaced them with his own. His gentle, soft touches easing Victor’s mind rather than Victor’s forceful ones, tugging his own locks to feel something other than the thoughts that plagued his mind.

Eventually, Victor’s breathing deepened into heavy breaths, gasping for his lungs to get the breath it needed. And Yuuri refused to let go of Victor, afraid that if he did Victor’s panic would return. Victor’s breathing came to a steady pace. Yuuri went to move back but he felt arms circle around him, pulling him close. Victor returned the embrace, hands grasping at the back of Yuuri’s shirt, gripping tight to keep himself close. He pressed his head in the crook of Yuuri’s neck and after a minute of silence, he sobbed.

He cried, wailed, and hurt, his hands pulling at Yuuri’s shirt to get him closer but Yuuri could go no further. He eased Victor’s cries, hushing him, and pressing his lips to the side of Victor’s hair. That was what Yuuri knew how to do. He knew how to support Victor when he cried, but his panic was something different. His panic wasn’t the same.

“You’re okay now,” Yuuri murmured into Victor’s ear. His cries softened to sniffs, the occasional sob still breaking free. “It’s okay, I’m here now. You’re alright now. You’ll be okay.”

“Y-Yuuri,” Victor’s voice trembled, barely above a whisper. He pressed his head further into Yuuri’s neck, his arms trembling as he wept, “ _Yuuri._ ”

“I’ve got you,” Yuuri said. He scanned the area and decided he needed to move Victor somewhere comfortable. But first, he needed to get Victor changed.

He helped Victor slip into the clean clothes Victor brought into the bathroom before guiding him to their bed. He pulled the sheets back before helping Victor get in the bed. He curled in on himself, tugging his legs close to his body. Yuuri pulled the sheet up, tucking Victor in before slipping under the sheets himself.

He held Victor, arms circled around him in a tight embrace that held comfort and support. Victor clung on, hands trembling as his cries ripped through his body, one tug after another. Yuuri felt somewhat to blame for Victor’s tears. He should have been here. He should have been certain he would be there for Victor when he needed Yuuri the most.

Yuuri wasn’t there for Victor that day when Victor needed Yuuri. And Yuuri, he felt a strong pull in his chest, one that made him feel what he did when the Universe ignored him.

Cry. Yuuri wanted to cry.

But his tears, similar to the ones that fell from Victor’s own eyes, did not fall from his. He didn’t know if he could cry. While he felt the need to, he didn’t know if he even had tears to shed. The feeling was there, but… he hadn’t gotten to that point yet. It truly did sadden him to see Victor that way, but he couldn’t cry.

But he didn’t need to cry too. That didn’t help Victor in that moment. So Yuuri hushed him, stroked his hand through Victor’s hair and eased his tears as well as he could. Victor was not like he was before – uncooperative or panicked. His cries were to release his pain, and Yuuri knew that would ease soon and he could then speak with Victor.

But it came sooner than expected when Victor took a deep breath and forced through his trembling breath, “Do you think I’m an idiot for even trying?” Yuuri could never think Victor was any kind of an idiot. Yuuri shook his head. Victor sniffed and shook his own head. “You should. I am an idiot for trying.”

“For trying to skate?”

“Everything, Yuuri,” Victor spoke. He took another deep breath, trying to take control of his own emotions. “I’m an idiot for trying to redeem myself. I’m an idiot for thinking that I even had a chance at this competition. I’m an idiot for… trying to fight it. I should have given up. I should have hung up my skates when I was told and just… give up.”

Yuuri had to think about what to say next. He couldn’t keep helping Victor continue with his skating. The Universe had too much power over it. Yuuri couldn’t help him succeed but only come to terms with a life without skating. And while Victor continued to skate, he needed to be there for him.

But he didn’t know how to tell Victor to retire. He didn’t know how to tell him that he should quit. He didn’t want Victor to give up, he wanted Victor to quit before it hit too hard. And it would hit hard. It would be the hardest thing Victor would have to go through when the Universe strikes back with a full blow and Victor couldn’t skate at all. It would be the hardest thing for Victor to come to terms with.

How does he tell Victor that? How does he convince Victor to retire when he said retiring was out of the question? The answer was that Yuuri did not know.

“Is that what you want to do?” Yuuri asked, hoping Victor would say yes.

“No,” He says instead and Yuuri mentally cursed. “I want to get to the Grand Prix. I want to show them that even with a bad year, I can still surprise them. I can still do it. It would be the biggest surprise if I had a bad year and leave with gold at the Grand Prix… That’s what I want to do. That’s my goal.”

“Then why did you think you were an idiot for trying to do that?” Yuuri asked.

“That’s what everyone’s been saying,” Victor said, raising his head to meet Yuuri’s eyes. “And sometimes I think that yeah, maybe they are right. But I don’t want to think that. I can’t retire. I refuse to. I’m going to keep skating until I’m forced to retire. I will never give up trying to redeem myself.”

Yuuri knew he couldn’t do that. Yuuri knew Victor needed to retire sooner than later, and knowing that Victor was refusing to do so had Yuuri worry that it was going to be harder convincing Victor otherwise.

“That isn’t healthy, Victor,” Yuuri said, ignoring the slight drop of Victor’s eyebrows. “You can’t force yourself to do that. What if you can’t redeem yourself?”

Yuuri really tried to ignore the way Victor glared at him, but it became increasingly hard to do so. “Are you saying I should give up?” Victor asked, a slight demand in his voice. Yuuri couldn’t answer. He didn’t. And It gave Victor a silent answer. “You sound just like the rest of them.”

Victor moved to get up but Yuuri followed him. He gripped Victor’s wrist, stopping him from moving. Victor’s eyes glared down at his wrist then back up to Yuuri. Yuuri didn’t want him to think that. “I’m not saying give up,” Yuuri said as calmly as he could. “I’m saying if you know it’s going to end bad, end it before it hurts.”

There was a beat of silence that sent fear through Yuuri’s spine. Victor then ripped his hand away from Yuuri’s grasp and Yuuri knew Victor was being more than just uncooperative. He was being stubborn. “You think I’ll fail.”

“I don’t think that, I –”

“Of all the people who said I should retire, I never thought you would tell me that. Why – why would you say that to me?” Victor stood to his feet, backing away from Yuuri. Yuuri moved forward, sitting at the edge of the bed, watching Victor as he glared at Yuuri with narrowed, hard eyes. “I can’t believe you. I can’t believe you would think the same as them. I thought you were different than that. I thought you would support me and –”

“I am supporting you, Victor,” Yuuri said, feeling irritated himself. “All those times you came home crying in so much pain and agony over your skating, I supported you through all that. I helped you calm down and spoke you through how you’re feeling and I will continue to do that. But your skating, Victor, it’s tearing you apart.”

“Then let it,” Victor crossed his arms. “It had once before. Why not let it again?”

“I don’t want a repeat of France,” Yuuri said, his thoughts going back to that night. He never wanted to see Victor like that again. “I – I can’t be silent about this. I don’t want your skating to tear you apart. I don’t want it to make you cry and hurt like it has. I don’t want to see you like that anymore.”

“Then leave.”

Yuuri blinked. Victor was asking him to… leave? He didn’t know in what way. “What do you mean?”

“Leave. Get out of this room. Go back to being homeless. I don’t care,” Victor waved his hand, turning away from Yuuri. “If you can’t support me then why bother being with me?”

Yuuri became aware of two emotions in that singular moment. The first was that the pain he felt was hurt. He felt it once before, but he could only describe the way it felt. But he knew now that it was hurt. And it truly did. The stab at his heart, like a bullet, caused an ache inside that he never felt before.

But Yuuri also became aware of the fire that burned unseen, bubbling, and boiling like lava, ready to explode. And Yuuri, he felt that explosion. He felt that flame reach a peak and Yuuri knew that what he was feeling was nothing but rage. He felt so _angry_. His teeth had gritted, his fists clenched hard enough to turn his knuckles white, and Yuuri felt nothing but a desperate need to release that anger.

He stormed off the bed and across the room. His hand grabbed Victor’s shoulder, spinning him around before Yuuri pushed him against the wall with a little more force than needed. His hands gripped Victor’s arms tight, refusing to let him move or turn away. Yuuri needed to speak and Victor was going to listen.

“Don’t you _dare_ say that to me!” Yuuri yelled and Victor stared hard and cold. “You asked for my support, you asked for me to be with you and I have done _nothing_ but devote as much of my time to you. I’ve tried helping you, I’ve tried supporting you and I may not know if I’m doing any of it right, but I’m… I’m trying. I’m really f-fucking trying.” Yuuri had to pause. He had never sworn like that before. He felt a little better swearing, but he could still feel his body trembling. From anger, sorrow? He didn’t know. “I have never in my entire existence felt this much care for somebody. I have never felt these kinds of emotions before. You’ve helped me with so much and all I want is to return that, but hearing you say that – hearing you telling me to leave because you think I can’t support you… That…. That really hit me hard. It hurt, so much. And I’ve never felt that pain before. And I never wanted _you_ to have caused that pain.”

Victor jaw clenched as he huffed. He glanced down, unable to meet Yuuri’s glare. Yuuri wanted him to look. Yuuri wanted him to see the pain Victor had made him feel. Victor eventually met Yuuri’s eyes and he said, “All I want is to be able to prove everyone wrong.”

“But not at the cost of your life, Victor,” Yuuri replied, calmer than before but still in complete fury.

“I have to try, Yuuri,” Victor begged desperately. “I have to try and prove them wrong. What if – what if one competition, I can do it? I can’t quit until I know for certain that I can’t skate. If I can’t prove them wrong then I’ll have to learn to accept that. I just – I just want you to support my choice. Please, it’s – it’s all I want.”

“I can’t support your choice if it has a possibility of hurting you,” Yuuri replied and Victor finally met his stare. “I don’t want to watch you fall apart. I’m scared that I might not be able to stop you from jumping next time. I don’t want to watch you stand at that ledge again.”

There was a silence. “Then don’t watch.”

Those three words were enough to stun Yuuri into complete silence. It felt like a punch, forceful as it hit hard. Yuuri released his grip, pulling his hands close to his chest. He couldn’t believe Victor. He couldn’t understand how he could possibly let his skating make him come to this. He didn’t know if it was the Universe thinking for him or Victor’s own thoughts, but he didn’t care because regardless who it was that spoke, he felt that hurt return.

Yuuri turned away. He folded his hands to himself, keeping them close with fear of them taking control. He closed his eyes, unable to look at Victor. He didn’t want to look at him. He couldn’t. Just looking at him made Yuuri feel a horrible gurgle at the pit of his stomach. He didn’t want to look but he didn’t want to leave either. He could never leave Victor. But he struggled just being in the same room as him in that moment and Yuuri didn’t know what to do.

Human emotions were complicated. And for the first time, Yuuri found himself wishing he didn’t decide to explore them.

“I can’t look at you right now,” Yuuri said, keeping himself turned away from Victor. “But I don’t want to leave you alone. I want to get a different room, but I can’t leave you be here by yourself. So just – just don’t talk to me. Just pretend I’m not here. Please.”

“Yuuri,” He felt Victor’s hand touch his arm. Yuuri swiped his hand away, moving to a different spot in the room.

“Don’t. Don’t touch me,” He felt his voice tremble. He hated how he felt. “Just – Just don’t talk to me. Not yet. I’ll speak when I’m ready.”

There was a silence and Yuuri knew that Victor agreed to Yuuri’s plead. Yuuri moved to the edge of the bed, facing away from Victor as he stared out of the window. There was so much life out there, so many souls, and Yuuri wondered a life where he couldn’t see them. A life where he was a human and he knew how he felt or what he was doing. And he wondered what kind of person he would be and if he would have handled that situation better.

He felt a dip in the bed behind him but he didn’t look. It shifted but stayed on the opposite side. He closed his eyes, breathing in as he tried to calm his emotions. Yuuri didn’t look. He couldn’t look. Not yet.

Tomorrow was going to be a long day, and Yuuri had to prepare himself for the worst.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I TAGGED COMMUNICATION FOR A REASON AND LOOK AT THIS TWO...... ｡゜(｀Д´)゜｡
> 
> But this is a good time for me to remind everyone that I tagged communication for a reason! This WILL be discussed! They're just very emotional right now and you know what? I am too. *Cries until next update*


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter goes out to my phone that I dropped down the stairs yesterday. Would you believe it's the second time it's happened to me?
> 
> Also! This is a great time for me to refer everyone to the tags. This chapter gets a little... bad. But then good! Then kinda bad... It ends bittersweet, let's say. Just a heads up

 

Yuuri was still angry. He still felt the burning fire deep within, frustrated and annoyed by Victor’s words. But as much as Yuuri said he didn’t want to look at Victor, he found that he couldn’t keep himself away for long.

Yuuri didn’t dare look at him while he was awake. He didn’t want to give in to his word. He was furious and he wanted Victor to know that. But when the darkness fell and Yuuri heard Victor’s light breathing, even and relaxed, Yuuri had to take a glance.

Victor was nothing but uncooperative. He was stubborn and selfish and Yuuri was still angry at him. Even watching his sleeping form, Yuuri found a growing annoyance build inside. Yet regardless of his anger, he didn’t feel any different about how much he cared for Victor. He still wanted to help Victor. He still wanted to keep him safe from any harm or consequence coming his way. And Yuuri didn’t understand how that could be.

He was angry. He thought some rather horrible words about Victor that he never expected himself to think, yet his feelings never changed. He didn’t understand it. He would have thought the argument and his anger would have broken some kind of glass, shattering the image Yuuri had on Victor. But as he watched Victor’s sleeping form at peace and relaxed, his chest rising and falling at an even pace, he knew that no image had been shattered. He only learned something knew, which was nothing but a relief.

When the morning sky brightened and the sun rose, waking Victor from his slumber, Yuuri turned away. He wasn’t ready to talk to Victor yet. He knew Victor wouldn’t be ready either. He could see it in his soul. Victor closed himself off, building his defensive walls around his soul and keeping his emotions back. His soul refused to be read. His soul refused to feel anything. And Yuuri didn’t want to talk to Victor while he was so closed off. It would only lead to another argument.

Victor moved off the bed, got himself dressed, and prepared himself for the day to come. He had to compete that day. It was his first skate and Yuuri already knew what could happen. He didn’t need to watch Victor to know it would go either one of two ways: Victor gets worse, or Victor fails completely.

There was a pause in Victor’s shuffling. “Will you watch me today?” Victor’s voice broke the silence. It was fragile, like porcelain, on the brink of shattering.

Yuuri didn’t turn. He didn’t even flinch to turn and look at Victor when he replied, “I don’t know.” Yuuri’s answer was the truth. He didn’t know. He had no need to really, but he knew he should. Victor asked him to, but if Yuuri was honest, he didn’t want to.

Victor didn’t reply immediately. Instead, he shuffled around the room a little before he finally replied, “I’ll think about you when I skate.” Yuuri felt his own heart shatter. Victor didn’t know how much his words made Yuuri’s chest ache. “Perhaps today will be the day I prove everyone wrong.”

Yuuri squeezed his eyes shut. Victor still held onto the belief that he would suddenly find his talent again. Yuuri assumed it was Victor’s way of coping with the possibility that he might fail. But Yuuri wanted him to learn to accept it. Yuuri had to bite back his response. For now, at least. He was going to tell Victor one day that it was unlikely he would redeem himself, but today wasn’t the day. Victor was too blocked off from his own emotions and Yuuri didn’t want to make anything worse.

He was going to let Victor know. But not today.

And then Victor left. He left to compete, skating his first routine, receive his score, and he would probably be back sooner than expected. Yuuri couldn’t see Victor hanging around for too long, especially when he learns that Yuuri wasn’t there to watch him. Yuuri had already decided he wasn’t going to go. He knew even without looking what would happen. And he would know how Victor would feel about it from just looking at his soul.

Yuuri knew that the Universe would be weighing heavy against Victor’s back, pushing at his soul and punishing him for surviving the night he needed to die. Its attempt would try and bring Victor’s fate back on the right track.

And Yuuri was going to make sure Victor survived another night. And another, until he was old and gray and meets Yuuri in his true form. Victor wasn’t going to die anytime soon. Yuuri would make certain of that. Victor was not going to die from his own hands and not from the Universes either. It would be from his own body wearing down with age until he passes on calmly - when Victor is truly ready to die.

Victor’s own death was something Yuuri didn’t like to think about too much. The idea of Victor dying seemed to jab at his chest, but Yuuri knew that old age was a death Yuuri couldn’t let Victor avoid. But that wasn’t for years to come.

Yuuri remained in their hotel room, sat on the edge of the bed as he waited for Victor to return. He didn’t think to see to the spirit world. He didn’t want to deal with it. His other forms could do that job for him. His mind wasn’t in the right place and it felt strange. His thoughts were all over the place, much like his emotions. It was hard to control. He wanted to make sense of his anger but it was just as uncooperative and stubborn as Victor was.

Yuuri hoped that Victor would be okay. He hoped that his skate had gone rather well but Yuuri knew the chances were slim. If anything, Victor would be sad. Victor would cry too. He would want to be with Yuuri and Yuuri would never deny him that. Yuuri would not deny him any kind of support because regardless of their argument, Yuuri still cared for Victor so deeply.

And then Yuuri felt the aura of a soul with so much grief and fury that Yuuri knew without looking that it was Victor. Yuuri turned, eyeing the soul that stormed closer and closer to the door. Yuuri had never seen Victor’s soul so red before. It abused at the cracks, hurting the brightness that tried to escape and Yuuri pitied it.

There was the sound of a click and the slam of the door hitting the wall. It didn’t startle Yuuri. He knew it was coming. He stood to his feet and turned, meeting Victor’s strong glare. His eyes didn’t hold the sweet kindness it usually did. They were narrowed, rigid and cold. His hard glare never left Yuuri as he stepped inside, slamming the door behind him. He took a single step forward. Yuuri drew in a deep breath, meeting the burning hard stare and he refused to look away.

There was a moment of silence – just one.

“I have spent my whole life trying to get to the top. And suddenly, it’s being ripped away from me without a care in the world and I. Am.  _Done._ ”

“Victor –”

“I don’t get it. I don’t understand why this is happening to me,” Victor’s fist clenched, his knuckles turned white against his strength. Yuuri stayed back. He didn’t know how Victor would react to this kind of anger. He had never seen Victor like this before. “This isn’t fair. And everyone just – they seem to think that they own me. I had this stupid  _bitch_ come up to me and say to me that I disappointed her daughter. As if I had to be the reason to keep her daughter happy. But she didn’t care how that made me feel. No. She cared about her own god damn daughter. Not a single thought towards my own feelings.”

“That isn’t fair.” Yuuri tried to get himself involved in the conversation. He hoped it would ease Victor down a little.

“There’s so much pressure on my back. I feel so much pressure to keep impressing people and surprising them. Everyone wants me to get back to what I once was and I can’t do it. I can’t  _fucking_ do it. I can’t! It’s completely – just –!” He scowled hard. His hand trembled with his own anger. “They don’t care about me. They only care about my skating. They only care about ‘Victor Nikiforov’ continuing to surprise people until the day I die and you know what? I can’t do it! I can’t be who I was! And they expect me to keep doing it! They don’t care if I can’t, and when I can’t, they abuse me with these horrible words and I am sick of it. I’m sick of it, Yuuri! I’m – Fuck!”

Victor strode across the room and Yuuri froze, watching his movements. Victor’s hand grasped around a lamp, yanking it from the socket in the wall and with a raged cry, the lamp was forcefully thrown to the floor. Yuuri jumped at the sound of glass and plastic being shattered and Victor spun on his heel, pacing the room with his fingers clenched in his hair. He was pulling at the strands, trying to distract his mind.

His rage was building like a current. The deep waters getting higher and higher until it spills over. Yuuri knew he couldn’t let Victor continue like this. He needed to calm him down before he hurt himself or broke anything else. He felt a tremble in his voice as he said, “Victor.” He wanted his attention. His hand touched Victor’s shoulder but Victor spun, slapping his hand away.

“Don’t touch me.” And those few words were enough to make Yuuri step back. His chest hurt, a strong jab stabbed at it. Victor glared, eyes cold as he said through gritted teeth, “This is your fault.”

Yuuri choked on a breath. He stepped further back, his arms wrapping around himself. He knew it was. He knew he was at fault. He was to blame for Victor’s career failing. Yuuri could take full responsibility for that. But hearing Victor say it; hearing him blame Yuuri for it hurt even more.

“I know.”

“You don’t,” Victor blinked back the tears in his eyes. He shook his head, mouth pressed together in a thin line. “You have no idea. You – ever since you came into my life, ever since you saved me from dying, I have just…  _failed._ You must be a curse or something because this never happened until you came into my life.”

“I’m sorry,” Yuuri truly meant it.

“You should have let me die.” Victor’s tear finally fell. “I wish I never met you. You’ve done nothing but bring me pain during my career, all because you didn’t let me die. I wish I had never met you. I wish you had just let me die.”

No matter what words Victor said to Yuuri, no matter how much Victor hated him for saving his life, Yuuri would never change his mind. He came to accept that. He wished Victor could too. He wished Victor understood why Yuuri saved him, and even though Yuuri was not completely certain why he did it in the first place, he came to find more and more reasons why he had done it.

He wished Victor saw that too.

“I would never change my mind,” Yuuri said.

And in an instant, the dams burst – the waters overflowing with substantial force. “But you should have!” Victor screamed. His face was red, his breathing fast as he let his rage take control. “You should have just left me on that bridge to die! I wish you had let me drown in that water and free myself from this agony because I can’t take it anymore! If you hadn’t interfered, I would have been free from all of this!”

“Victor, please,” Yuuri begged. He wanted Victor to calm down. He wanted Victor to think about what he was saying.

“I’ve had enough of this,” Victor raised his hands with defeat. He turned, storming away as he stepped foot into the bathroom, slamming the door shut and locking it. Yuuri’s stomach plummeted, his chest pulling in different directions.

Yuuri strode forward. His hands grasped the door handle and shook it. It didn’t budge. Yuuri’s fist banged against the door in a desperate attempt to get Victor’s attention. “Victor!” Yuuri yelled, “Don’t you dare!” His hand slammed against the door, his other rattling the handle, begging for it to open. He could hear Victor’s choked cries from inside the bathroom. Yuuri needed to get inside. “I’ll break this door down if you don’t let me in!” Yuuri then listened, praying to hear the door unlock. Victor made no move.

Yuuri breathed in hard. He took a step back and with force, his foot hit against the door. The lock ripped away from the wall, the door swung open and Yuuri’s eyes landed on Victor for only a second before he moved.

Victor’s hand was grasped around a bottle of pills. His trembling hand held them close to his mouth, his eyes squeezed shut as he was preparing himself. Yuuri didn’t hesitate when his hand slapped the bottle away from Victor’s hands. The pills fell from his hand, the clutter of taps against the ground caused Victor to wail. Little white pills surrounded them and Victor turned, his hand clutching Yuuri’s arms in a tight grasp as he cried.

“Why won’t you let me die?!” Victor cried, his hands trembling. His face crumbled as his head fell forward, sobbing into Yuuri’s chest. His fingers clutched at Yuuri’s shirt, a desperate need to feel comfort. “Just let me die. Please.” He begged in between his choked cries. Yuuri’s arms circled around him, pulling him close and refusing to ever let go.

Victor’s legs crumbled, sinking to his knees, and pulled Yuuri down with him. Yuuri felt pokes from the pills against his legs and he wanted to flush them away, to throw them in the trash and never let Victor get his hands on them again.

Yuuri felt nothing but an agonizing tug at his chest. He could feel Victor’s hurt, the force of his pain against his insides and he wanted to ease it. His mind was clouded, nothing focused except for the pull of Victor’s desperate need for comfort. Alongside Victor’s own tears, Yuuri wanted to cry with him. It hurt seeing Victor like this. It hurt so much.

Victor grasped onto Yuuri, hands clawing at his back as his fear and agony ripped through him, stabbing his soul multiply with so much negativity that through Victor’s begging of death, Yuuri wondered how his soul still fought against it all.

But his soul refused to die.

It was refusing to succumb what it had become back in France. And while Victor begged for death, his soul didn’t. Even if Victor had taken a mouthful of pills, forcing them down his throat in an attempt to end his life, his soul would have kept him alive long enough for help to find him. His soul had made him hesitate – to second guess his choice. His soul would have changed Victor’s mind if Yuuri had failed to do so.

Yuuri sat there with Victor, on the bathroom floor surrounded by the pills that he was going to swallow, crying, wailing, and hurting. Yuuri ignored any thoughts back to their argument. That was not relevant nor important. Victor was the only thing that Yuuri cared about – not the spirit world or anything else. Victor, and only Victor.

Yuuri did what he always did during Victor’s breakdowns. He held him tight, rocking him as he hushed he cries, whispering supportive words into his ear. He pressed light kisses to Victor’s head, hoping his usual support eased Victor’s cries.

In the end, Yuuri moved him to their bed. It was more comfortable than the bathroom floor and he didn’t have little pills surrounding him as a reminder of what Victor was going to try to do. Yuuri held him, encouraging Victor to let out his emotions. Victor needed to release the stress and tension against his soul. With every cry, his soul felt ease, coming to a more peaceful state as Victor let out all his negative emotions.

And Yuuri came to a decision.

They needed to talk about everything. They needed to talk through what they wanted from each other. He didn’t want them to have another argument, and he didn’t want to cause one either. He had to choose his words better, to learn what the right things to say are without sounding controlling. He needed to understand that Victor had a different view and if Victor didn’t meet Yuuri’s view, Yuuri had to work on meeting him in the middle. Victor’s view on his skating was the complete opposite to Yuuri’s and it was one Victor was not going to change. Yuuri needed to not change his mind, but find a way to meet him in between.

But they were going to talk about it. Yuuri didn’t want to wait any longer. He needed to talk about his concern and he needed Victor to too. They were both in their own worlds, far away from each other and it wasn’t what Yuuri had wanted. He wanted to understand Victor, but instead, he misunderstood him. He didn’t try and listen to what Victor was saying.

But he also needed Victor to listen to what he was saying.

There was two of them in their relationship. If neither could meet each other’s views, then Yuuri didn’t see a point. But they could, and they would, and Yuuri knew with the right words that they could sort out their disagreement. All it involved was them talking to each other and Yuuri believed they could overcome this.

But Yuuri wasn’t going to do that while Victor was in the state he was. His tears had eased but he continued to choke out sobs. He didn’t know how long it had been since Victor arrived back at their hotel room, soul burning with fury and an ache that hurt. The day felt it had blurred into nothing, the hours merging with the minutes into a time that felt non-existent. And all because he felt more emotional than before. It was… strange, being so unaware of time.

He heard Victor murmur something against his chest. Yuuri snapped from his thoughts, trying to work out what Victor just said. “… Excuse me?” Yuuri asked in hopes Victor had actually spoken and not just made a noise.

Victor took a deep, shaky breath and repeated himself. “I didn’t mean anything I said or did.” There was a heavy pause. Victor breathed through his nose before shifting to sit up, back against the pillows. He pulled away from Yuuri, sitting forward with his hands on his lap and playing with them. Yuuri moved up. “I… I just couldn’t control my anger anymore. I’m usually good at it, but today it just… I have no excuse.”

“Victor.”

Victor’s eyes squeezed shut. He pressed his hands to his face, forcing his sobs back and taking control of his emotions. He shook his head side to side, breathed in heavily as he muttered, “I’m so sorry for what I said to you. I’m sorry for what I tried to do. I’m sorry for everything. I’m so,  _so_ sorry, Yuuri.” His shoulders shook as he cried and Yuuri didn’t want to hear his cries anymore.

“Victor, stop crying please,” Yuuri said before wanting to yell at himself. That wasn’t going to help Victor at all. He moved closer, curling an arm over Victor’s shoulder as he encouraged him to lean into his embrace. Victor delved in with no hesitation, his tears staining Yuuri’s shoulder as he cried. “I won’t lie. What you said hurt and what you tried to do… I can’t ignore that. I know you didn’t mean what you said, but it didn’t stop it from hurting.”

Victor sniffed hard, rubbing his nose as he pulled back. He looked Yuuri in the eye and Yuuri saw nothing but sorrow and regret. “I’m a terrible person.” His voice trembled. He turned away, staring down at his lap. “You – you didn’t deserve to be spoken to like that. It’s – It’s not fair that I blamed you for my failure. I’m so sorry, Yuuri. If – if you want to leave me, you can. I understand.”

There was a second pause before Yuuri reacted. He pressed his hands either side of Victor’s face, bringing it up to meet Yuuri’s stare. “Don’t you ever say that,” Yuuri shook his head. Victor stared wide eyed, startled. “I will never leave you, Victor. I care about you too much to ever do that to you.”

Victor couldn’t hold himself back anymore as he moved forward, pressing a hard kiss to Yuuri’s lips. It was desperate and needy – begging for touch as they opened their mouths to each other. Yuuri felt the push of Victor’s tongue into his mouth and in an instant, he pulled back. That wasn’t what was needed. Yuuri knew he would get distracted from what he really wanted to do.

They needed to talk and now was better than never. “Victor,” Yuuri said and he focused on Yuuri. “We need to talk about everything.”

“I don’t want to,” Victor muttered, trying to lean in for another kiss.

He was being stubborn. Yuuri moved away. “Victor, no. We need to. We can’t ignore any of this. We need to talk.” Victor sat back and pouted. Yuuri forced himself not to roll his eyes. “Please. I can’t… I want us to get on the same level. I can’t stop thinking about it.”

Victor met his eyes. He thought for a moment before taking a deep sigh. “Okay,” His said, crossing his arms. “But I want to say what I want to say first.”

Yuuri nodded. “Okay.”

Victor took a deep breath and swallowed hard, preparing himself. “I want to try and get to the Grand Prix.”

“Victor –”

“No, Yuuri. Listen to me, please?” Victor’s eyes begged for Yuuri to listen. Yuuri closed his eyes, breathed in hard and nodded. He needed to listen. They needed to communicate. He met Victor’s eyes, letting him continue. “I want to try. I feel that if I don’t, then I’m just letting everyone else tell me how I live my life. They’ve done enough of that. For once, I want to make my own choice. I want to try and get to the Grand Prix, to prove them wrong that I haven’t lost it, that I can still skate. And if I do, then I retire.”

“And if you don’t?” Yuuri had to ask.

Victor paused. “Then I guess I have no choice but to retire,” He answered. “I want to learn how to cope with that if it does end up happening. But my goal is to make it to the Grand Prix one last time.”

Yuuri still wanted Victor to retire. He still wanted Victor to not try and make it that far. He didn’t cope well at Nationals, and he was worse during this competition. Yuuri didn’t know how he would be if he proceeded to Worlds, but then the Grand Prix… Yuuri feared every competition that drew closer. He wanted to address it. He wanted to let Victor know his concern.

“Can I have my say?” Yuuri asked and Victor nodded. “I may have said my words wrong yesterday. But I’m scared for you. I – I see how you react after a competition and it scares me. You… you nearly tried to kill yourself again, Victor. Do you see what I’m trying to say?”

Victor bit his lip and turned away. “I wasn’t thinking straight,” He spoke. “I let my emotions get the better of me.”

“And what happens if you let them do that again? At Worlds, or at the Grand Prix? And – and what if I’m not there?” Yuuri asked. Victor didn’t reply. “I’m not saying give up. I’m saying think this through. I’m scared that if you keep going, one day, I won’t be enough to stop you.”

“You’ll always be enough to stop me,” Victor met his eyes. “But… But I want to try, Yuuri. I really want to prove them wrong.”

“I don’t want to watch you fall apart.”

“Just – Can you just… I feel like you’re not supporting me,” Victor’s voice rose and Yuuri needed to retract it back. They were going off the rails.

“Okay, let’s take a step back,” Yuuri raised his hands, hoping it eased Victor. “You’re not going to change your mind about trying to get to the Grand Prix, are you?”

“No,” Victor said. “If I have to I will fight my way back to the top. And if I fall then… then I would like you to be there to catch me.”

“And this is where I have a problem. I don’t  _want_  to see you fall,” Yuuri sighed. He didn’t want to watch Victor get worse. He didn’t want Victor to feel the pain and agony he’s been feeling. He wanted Victor to be happy. “We need to find an equal place that’ll keep both of us happy.”

“I know what will make me happy,” Victor stated. Yuuri listened. “I just want you to be there for me. I can… I can accept you not supporting me. I just need you to be there if I do fall.”

Yuuri would do that regardless. He had no doubt he would never leave Victor, no matter how far he fell. “I can do that. I will never leave you, Victor.” Victor smiled, leaning forward to give Yuuri a single kiss. He then had an idea. Something that could help Victor as he wasn’t going to change his mind. Yuuri wasn’t enough to help Victor. He needed more. “But you have to do something for me.”

“Anything.”

“I want you to talk about it. I want you to seek help from someone other than me,” Yuuri said. Victor opened his mouth to speak, but Yuuri hushed him. “I want you to see a therapist. They can help you with what I can’t. I don’t want you to try and learn to cope with it yourself. Go and talk to somebody who can help you do it, please.”

Victor nodded. “Okay.”

“And another thing,” Yuuri said, thinking to one more thing. “Tell Yakov and Yuri. Yakov needs to know and Yuri deserves to. It’s only fair, Victor.”

Victor closed his eyes, swallowed hard and nodded. “Y-yeah. It’s fair. They deserve to know.” He stayed silent for a moment. “I will let Yakov know… after my free skate. And Yuri, not until we get back to Russia. I don’t want to ruin this competition for him.”

“You couldn’t do that.”

Victor shrugged. “I doubt it.” It then went quiet. “Chris is first place. I’m proud of him.”

“And what place did you get?” Yuuri asked. He already knew it wasn’t fantastic, but he wondered how much of a drop there was from Nationals.

“… I was in seventh place.” A two-place drop. Yuuri thought it wasn’t too bad, all things considered. But it was a jump to get to third. Yuuri wondered if this was the competition Victor would fail at. Victor then sighed as he said, “But someone dropped out. He was sixth. Now I’m sixth.”

Yuuri… did not expect that. It made him think. The Universe seemed so focused on making Victor fail at his career, to try and push him over the edge. But that action, the one where a skater dropped out and helped Victor move up a placement, it seemed against what the Universe was planning. It didn’t make sense and Yuuri couldn’t figure it out.

What was the Universe planning for Victor?

“Is that enough for you to place?” Yuuri asked, needing to distract his mind from his confused thoughts.

Victor shrugged. “It would have been a year ago,” He bit his lip. “I can’t say I’m confident now. Yakov says I can, but I’m not so certain. I will try. I’m not going to give up just because I doubt myself.”

As much as Yuuri didn’t like Victor’s choice in trying to get further along in the competitions, he did admire Victor’s fight. He was determined to succeed, even when all seemed lost. Yuuri admired it. And his soul’s fight too. He noticed the change it had since they spoke. His soul no longer held the fury and rage it felt when Victor returned to their room. It was calmed, at peace with existence. Even more so, it continued to fight back against the negativity that failed to fight back as hard.

Victor was recovering. Yuuri didn’t doubt that anymore. Even with his breakdown, his soul did not fall back to how it was in France. It fought life and limb to recover and although it was a slow recovery, it was trying. Yuuri stared at the bright rays of light that pushed against the cracks of the sorrow enclosing his soul. He stared and wondered what Victor’s soul truly looked like. He wondered what hid beneath the sadness that pushed, hiding his soul under a blanket. He had never seen Victor’s soul at full. From the moment Yuuri saw him, he always had something negative hiding his true soul, keeping it hidden from Yuuri’s eyes.

And Yuuri wanted to see it. Not just for himself, but for Victor too. He wanted Victor to be who he truly was, and Yuuri was going to help him. He was going to help Victor remind himself what it was like to be… Victor.

“I admire your fight,” Yuuri said and Victor smiled. He leaned forward, kissing Yuuri’s lips before circling his arms around Yuuri.

They always found themselves in each other’s arms. It was like they gravitated towards each other, stuck in an orbit where neither could get out. And Yuuri, he didn’t want to get out. He had found comfort. He had found warmth.

And that night, they slept side by side, in each other’s arms.

After the night where neither had touched each other, not even during their restless sleep, Yuuri found he missed how Victor felt. He craved to feel Victor’s skin against his own that night and it was an urge Yuuri fought against.

There was something he wanted to do. And he needed to pry away from Victor’s tight grasp to do it.

He somehow managed to pull away from Victor without waking him up. He was only going to be gone for a short while, so Victor shouldn’t feel too much of an absence. Yuuri dressed and slipped out of their hotel room into the dimly lit hallway. He looked around, seeing nothing but tired, rested souls in a deep sleep.

And Yuuri was suddenly on the rooftop, far above the souls that sat below. Up there, he would be undisturbed. He looked around, eyes scanning over the sitting area the hotel had on their roof. Nobody was up there with him – the place had closed hours ago. Yuuri sat down on one of the soft chairs, sitting back and he stared up at the night sky.

The starry night above hung against the midnight velvet of the night sky. The stars burned bright, a light against the darkness. It very much reminded Yuuri of Victor’s soul – still, equally as beautiful. From beyond a human’s perspective, Yuuri could see more. He could see the souls of others, in distant planets and galaxies that existed in a time that had not happened yet. He could see the painted colors of reds, blues, and purples, contrasting against the night.

Yuuri found it funny how different people’s perspectives are; especially when he compared his own being that existed to guide the dead to the humans that lived on Earth.

He recalled the time when he settled on the planet – when he settled on a world where humans coexisted with spirits. Yuuri had visited many worlds, distant galaxies far beyond a time that could easily be forgotten. He had seen different souls, varying from small orbs that rested inside to large, colorful souls that covered the whole being. But Yuuri had never found souls as reckless as a human’s.

The afterlife was not designed to exist with the living. When Yuuri decided to call Earth his ‘home’, he had brought an order to the afterlife for humans. They no longer existed with spirits. That time became a distant memory, people forgetting that they once lived alongside the dead. And even after Yuuri brought order, their souls were just as reckless, refusing to move on for the sake of their loved ones.

It was why the Universe had sent him to the planet. The recklessness of human souls was too much against the Universe, causing a strain against it that affected the souls of others, too. A human’s soul was neither powerful or strong, but in the dozens, it was enough to cause the Universe agitation. The Universe had sent him there to help ease its own annoyance, but after his choice to save Victor’s life, he wondered how much Victor’s life was bothering the Universe.

And he wanted to ask.

“Why is Victor’s life so important that you needed to end it?” Yuuri asked up at the night sky. He concentrated on feeling the Universes aura, waiting for it to come. It did not. “I cannot figure it out. You had a plan for his life and I can’t understand why you chose that fate. Is his soul that much of a bother to you?”

The Universe held its silence. Yuuri didn’t hear its whispers, quiet and faint in the back of his mind. He did not feel its aura surrounding him, blanketing him in a protective force that reminded Yuuri of his existence. The Universe had vanished.

And Yuuri felt his own anger growing.

“You’re being unfair to me. Why are you ignoring me?” Yuuri asked, his voice rising. The more the Universe stayed silent, the more he felt his own anger becoming what Victor’s was like; a silent rage building until he exploded. “Can you speak to me?! I need to know what I’m doing. I need to know what effect I’m causing and I can’t know if you’re not talking to me!”

The Universe did not speak, and Yuuri stood to his feet, pointing an accusing finger to the sky as he yelled, “You’re a coward! You’re hiding from the fact that I made my own choice for the first time and you don’t like it. Is Victor’s life really causing you pain, or are you having a childish tantrum that I took control of somebody’s fate while you couldn’t?”

Yuuri wanted a response, but he received nothing. Yuuri breathed in heavy, trying to calm his breath. He felt his anger subside, but he felt the lump in his throat rise. He felt his eyes filling and his vision blurring. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t right.

“I’ve never felt myself want to hate something as much as I do now,” Yuuri spoke, low and shaky. “You’re a coward. Don’t even bother trying to talk to me because I don’t want to know.”

And Yuuri had enough. He returned to outside his hotel room. He saw Victor's soul, awake and questioning. Yuuri opened the door and stepped inside. He saw Victor sat up on the bed. Their eyes met as Yuuri walked in.

“Yuuri?” Victor asked as Yuuri closed the door behind him. “Are you okay?”

Yuuri was not okay. He strode forward, crawled over the bed as his arms went around Victor, pulling him in for a tight embrace. Yuuri needed to feel this. He needed to hold onto Victor while he worked out his emotions. He felt the need to cry, but he didn’t want to and it made him want to cry even more. He didn’t like this human emotion. He hated crying.

“You’re crying,” Victor said as he pulled Yuuri back. Yuuri blinked as his hands wiped over his cheeks. He felt a liquid over them that fell from his eyes and Yuuri stared down at his hand, staring at the tears that he had wiped away. Victor touched Yuuri’s chin, raising his head to look eye to eye as he asked, “What happened?”

Yuuri breathed in a long, shaky breath. He needed to control this. He needed to stop feeling. He needed to calm down. “I –” He choked on his own words. He bit his lip, squeezing his eyes shut as he waited for the tears to stop. He felt Victor pull him into an embrace that reminded Yuuri that it was okay to let out those emotions.

He swallowed hard, breathing in as he eased his voice enough to speak. “I can’t say,” Yuuri said and he heard Victor sigh. “I know. I just… I want to ask you something.”

Victor pulled back, wanting to look Yuuri in the eye. “Anything.”

Yuuri really did care for Victor, he knew that. And Victor cared for Yuuri too. The thought itself sent warmth throughout Yuuri, calming his negative emotions to a numb silence. “If there was something –  _someone,_  that you knew and they started to ignore you, what would you do?”

“Is this something that’s happening to you?” Victor asked and Yuuri nodded. “Well, I would try talking to them in person first. Have you done that?”

“Yes,” Yuuri replied. He had tried twice. But it was difficult for him to talk ‘in person’. The Universe was not a person. But he could say it was close enough. “I tried twice. They’ve ignored me twice.”

Victor hummed, thinking. “You know what I would do?”

“What?” Yuuri asked.

“I’d ignore them too.”

Yuuri’s brows dropped. He felt that didn’t make sense. It wouldn’t solve any of his problems or answer any of his questions. “But… that doesn’t help me. I want to talk to them but they won’t answer me. How would ignoring them make them talk to me?”

“I don’t mean it for them to talk to you, Yuuri,” Victor said. “I mean, ignore them too. Show them that you’re not bothered by it. They’re not worth your time if they ignore you, Yuuri. How could anyone ignore you?”

Yuuri didn’t feel it would solve any of his problems, but it was enough for him to feel a little better. If the Universe didn’t want to speak to him, then he wouldn’t speak to the Universe either. Yuuri can give the silent treatment too. Perhaps the Universe would come to him after Yuuri goes silent too.

He met Victor’s eyes, smiled, and kissed his lips. “Thank you.” He grinned and Victor returned it.

Victor’s eyes then dropped as he said, “I think we need to start communicating more.” Yuuri bit his lip. “We’ve gotten a little off track with that, haven’t we?”

Yuuri could agree. “I think we need to communicate better. I don’t want a repeat of the past two days.” Victor had agreed, and they settled back into bed after that.

Victor fell into a sleep quick, tired from waking up in the middle of the night. And Yuuri closed his own eyes, deciding that he was going to ignore the Universe too. He was going to wait for the Universe to speak to him and if it didn’t, then Yuuri would continue on without its guidance. He could do that.

But then Yuuri wondered if the Universe didn’t speak to him, would the Universe send him a sign? Would the Universe react to that Yuuri said with more force than before?

Yuuri feared for Victor’s free skate. And for more reason than just Victor’s consequence.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So half way through this chapter I came up with a new idea for a story. Has anyone seen The Perks of Being a Wallflower?  
> It'll be inspired by the film/book. I'm messing around with the idea but at the moment it seems it's going to stay as an idea. At least, until I finish this fic! We will see!
> 
> Also WOW I am drained. So much emotional stuff. Egh. No more crying Victor/Yuuri pls. I want to write them happy. This chapter did get a little ahead of me. I think I nearly hit over 7000 words! ┐(´∀｀)┌
> 
> ALSO ALSO, I had to delete and re-upload this chapter. I'm sorry if anyone got confused!


	14. Chapter 14

 

Come morning, Victor was just as nervous as before. His hands were trembling and his mind was running fast, but he had more control. He felt more at peace.

While Victor was nervous, Yuuri felt it too. He couldn’t stop thinking about what he had said to the Universe and how it failed to reply. He couldn’t shake the idea that the Universe was planning something horrible. He didn’t know if the Universe was going to punish him or Victor for what he had said. He didn’t care if the Universe punished him. His nerves were for Victor.

But then the Universe could just do nothing. Yuuri had no idea and that made him feel jittery.

“How are you feeling today?” Yuuri asked Victor, trying to hide his own nerves and distract his mind as much as possible. “Are you still nervous? Angry? Do you need to take a minute?”

“Yuuri,” Victor’s hands landed on Yuuri’s shoulders, keeping him facing Victor. There was a small smile to Victor’s lips, one that didn’t hold nerves or fear, and it was nothing but a relief. “I’m as fine as I can be. As long as you’re there watching me, I will be okay.”

“I will watch you today,” Yuuri promised. He hated that he didn’t watch Victor the day before. He knew he was angry at Victor, but he realized now it didn’t help Victor at all. “I will. I won’t ever take my eyes off you.”

And Victor’s smile grew, even when they kissed, Yuuri could feel the curve of his mouth. He was happy, and Yuuri was too.

If Yuuri could, he would never take his eyes off Victor. But they had to part that day. Victor had his final skate to do and Yuuri was to watch with the crowds. Before they had to part, Yuuri squeezed Victor’s hand with reassurance, kissed him more than was necessary before they finally let go.

Yuuri sat at the bleachers with the crowd, waiting for Victor to skate. He paid little attention to the other skaters, only choosing to watch Yuri’s and Chris’ performances. But it was Victor’s he wanted to pay his full attention to. It was Victor’s skate that he needed to watch. He needed to see the comparison, to see if he had gotten worse since Nationals.

And then finally, Yuuri saw Victor skating to the center of the rink. It was his turn. He glided across the ice smoothly, little having gone wrong. It was a good start. Yuuri held his hands to his chest, trying to ease the trembling in them. He watched, his nerves shaking his entire being and then the music began.

Victor flowed with the music, as if it were the only way his body knew how to speak. He glided across the ice, his movement creating a vibrant story, one he could only tell through his skate. Yuuri watched him move to the music, the scratch of his skates along the ice was distant compared to the music Victor made with his body. Victor launched for a jump, spinning in the air before landing perfectly. The crowd cheered and Victor’s soul shined brightly. His eyes dropped for a moment before looking at the crowd, a hopeful smile played on his lips. For the most part, it was going well.

Until suddenly, it wasn’t.

He became distant from the music. His body struggled to keep up with the pace and his movements became rigid. Yuuri could see that Victor knew he lost it. The tight frown against his lips proved it. Whatever it was that helped him moments before was now gone and Victor returned to suffering from the cause of his consequence. He tried a jump but landing it with a wobble, his hands coming close to touching the ice. His limbs that once moved like liquid were now solid, struggling to move with fluency like he had before.

And moments later, it was over.

Victor held his pose, panting hard until the crowds’ cheers brought him back from his own thoughts. He stared, his eyes scanning through the crowds that cheered for him. His eyes were wide, in disbelief that they still cheered for him. Yuuri wanted Victor to see him, to notice where he stood amongst the crowds, but his eyes glazed over him.

Victor turned and skated off the ice, towards the kiss and cry where Yakov waited for him. There, he would receive his score. There, Yuuri would know if he would fail to qualify for another competition. Yuuri waited for Victor’s score, the tug in his stomach pulled harder. He hated to know how nervous Victor was.

Victor received a score of 160.81. It wasn’t the best. It was 9.00 points below Yuri’s – which was a rather wide gap – but it was enough to get him into third place. However, there were two other skaters who still needed to perform. It could easily change.

It seemed rather odd to Yuuri. If the two other skaters received low scores, Victor would win another bronze medal. It didn’t seem likely to Yuuri. He couldn’t see the Universe wanting to prolong Victor’s career, especially after the night they had. Yuuri would have assumed the Universe would end his career there – when Victor was almost at his lowest once again.

But the two skaters failed to beat Victor, who remained in third place. And Yuuri, he wondered that the Universe was planning.

He wondered if the Universe was pitying him for crying over its absence. He wondered if the Universe was purposefully prolonging it, knowing Victor would get worse until he crashes and burns and Victor gets pushed to the ledge once again, without a way out. He didn’t understand the Universe. It was being reckless. It was being chaotic. Its lack of communication with Yuuri and the sudden prolonging of Victor’s career, Yuuri didn’t know its plans. And Yuuri continued to fear the worst.

He reunited with Victor with a warm embrace and a kiss. Yuuri held him tight as he congratulated Victor, not knowing what else to say. He promised he would show support and he was going to do that, regardless of how unsure he was. Victor smiled. His eyes were sad, a lack of life held to then, but he smiled.

“I did it, Yuuri,” Victor spoke lowly, his hands holding Yuuri’s. “Third isn’t great. It’s the second time I've won bronze… but I can proceed. I’m closer to the Grand Prix than I was before. I might be able to pull it off at Worlds. Wouldn’t that be great?”

Yuuri didn’t want to answer. Before he would have known Victor wasn’t going to pull it off but now he wasn’t so sure. The Universes strange action in prolonging his career, Yuuri didn’t know what to expect when Worlds come. But he promised he would show Victor support, and Yuuri forced a smile as he said, “I’m so proud of you.” It wasn’t a genuine smile, but his words were true. Victor pulled through. And he felt better about his win than he did at Nationals.

Yuuri wasn’t aware that Victor was trying to escape the crowds until he found Victor was dragging him away from the rink and towards their hotel. Victor then said he didn’t want to listen to what everyone had to say and Yuuri was pleased he didn’t. He thought back to the words people spoke at Nationals and he was glad Victor wasn’t going to force himself to stand back and listen to them.

They made it back to their hotel room. Victor unlocked the door, stepping inside and Yuuri closed the door behind them. He then turned, eyes landing on Victor lying on his back on the bed, hands pressed over his face and his chest rising and falling with his breathing.

He seemed a little distressed and Yuuri stepped closer, eyes never leaving Victor. “Victor?” His sat beside Victor and asked, “Are you okay?”

Victor breathed in hard and exhaled as he moved his hands away. He stared up at Yuuri, chewing on his lip as he thought to himself. “I need to keep my end of my promise,” Victor said and Yuuri couldn’t remember what it was he had asked of Victor. “I need to talk to Yakov.”

And Yuuri remembered. He nodded and said, “Yes. When do you want to talk to him?”

“Now.”

Yuuri’s brows dropped as he asked, “Are you sure you want to do it now?” He thought now was a bit sudden. He was pleased Victor wanted to do it, but he hadn’t even received his medal yet.

Victor nodded. “Yes,” He said as he moved to sit up. “If I don’t do it now, I might never do it.” He then reached into his pocket, pulling out his phone. His thumb tapped at the screen a few times and Yuuri watched. He saw Yakov’s name appear on the screen and Victor’s thumb hovered, hesitating to tap. He sighed heavily, glanced up at Yuuri and asked, “Can you… be here with me when I tell him?”

Yuuri nodded. He would always be there for Victor. Victor reached for Yuuri’s hand, lacing his fingers between Yuuri’s and squeezed tight. Victor took a deep breath, preparing himself. He pressed his phone to his ear and a second didn’t even pass before there was a sudden yell from Victor’s phone. Yakov was clearly angry over Victor’s disappearance.

They spoke for a moment after the yells quietened down. Victor asked Yakov to come up to their room, and a few more words were exchanged before the call ended. Victor dropped the phone to his side and took a long, deep breath, nodding to himself as he did. And Yuuri rubbed circles on his back.

“He’s on his way up now,” Victor said. He closed his eyes, taking another breath. “I really don’t know how I’m going to explain this to him.

Victor was getting anxious and Yuuri could see it. He could feel Victor’s hand trembling against his own and Victor’s eyes were rapidly blinking, as if to remind himself that he was awake and this was real. Yuuri squeezed his hand, catching Victor’s attention.

“Just speak what your soul is trying to say,” Yuuri said. He knew it wasn’t all the answers Victor was looking for, but he hoped it was enough to calm him down. “You will get through this.”

Victor closed his eyes and breathed in hard, exhaling through his nose. His eyes opened as he turned to Yuuri and his expression had eased, his mind at a little more peace. Victor then stood and Yuuri followed as they moved to sit at the table and chairs that were in the room. Yuuri sat beside Victor, his hand still clasped in Victor’s.

There was a knock at the door and Yuuri met Victor’s eyes, silently asking if he was ready. Victor breathed in and nodded, a small smile on his lips and Yuuri knew he was as ready as he could be. He stood up to open the door, his eyes falling on Yakov who stood on the other side.

“I forget that you live with Vitya now,” Yakov commented and Yuuri didn’t know what to say. Instead, he moved to the side, letting Yakov in.

Yuuri returned to his seat beside Victor’s, his hand back in place around Victor’s. Yakov stared at the two with a least impressed look on his face. “Vitya,” The man grumbled. “Is this so important that you’re avoiding everyone? People want to talk with the bronze medallist.”

Victor swallowed hard and nodded. “It is. It’s really important.” He gestured to the chair across the small table, offering Yakov a seat. Yakov took it, sitting in front of Victor with crossed arms and a heavy frown on his face. Victor took a moment to think before saying, “It’s something you need to know.”

“Are you finally going to tell me what’s been wrong with you?” Yakov asked, brow raised with question. Victor nodded and Yakov fell silent, his frustration easing as he listened, not letting it get the way of his student talking.

“I – I don’t really know how to explain this so I’m just going to… say it,” Victor began. He paused for a moment, unable to find the words to say. Yuuri squeezed his hand and Victor glanced up at Yuuri. Yuuri gave him a reassured smile, letting Victor know that it was going to be okay. And Victor returned it, a weak smile to his own lips before he turned back to Yakov. “I… I think – no, I know I do. I’m depressed.”

Yakov’s arms fell to his lap, a slightly startled look fell on his face. He blinked. “Vitya,” He began, “Are you sure of this?” Victor met his stare and nodded. Yakov scratched his head. “I… didn’t expect that. Is that why you have been slacking at your skating?”

“Kind of… It’s a little complicated.” Victor paused, trying to find the right words to say. “I think my skating is the reason why I’m depressed.”

Yuuri felt the pain that jabbed at Yakov’s soul. The man felt truly hurt by those words. He sighed hard before saying, “Vitya, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to push you that hard. I wish you would have said something sooner, then I would have –”

“Yakov!” Victor stopped him. “This isn’t your fault. Don’t blame yourself for my depression, please. It’s – It’s everything else. It’s how people see me and what they expect from me. And sometimes it’s more than that. It’s… been hard, Yakov. It’s been so,  _so_ hard.”

Victor sniffed, blinking away the tears that filled his eyes. Yuuri’s hand fell to his arm, his thumb stroking to reassure him it would be okay. “Explain it to me, Vitya,” Yakov spoke. “Explain what it’s been like for you. I need to try to understand if I want to help you.”

Victor blinked up at him. He was startled, taken back by Yakov’s words and Yuuri could already guess why he reacted that way. He didn’t expect Yakov to offer help so quickly. And Yuuri didn’t expect it either. And in that moment, Victor’s soul broke even more. The cracks that nearly became consumed by the sorrow broke free, like a crack in the sidewalk. The rays beneath shone brighter as they pushed against the only freedom they had, trying desperately hard to free itself from the cage it’s been trapped in for years.

And Yuuri stared wide eyed. His soul was recovering just from knowing he had support from others. He wasn’t lonely anymore, but his soul was beginning to realize that he had more people in his life than he thought. Yuuri wanted to smile, but given the topic of conversation, it would be odd for him to do so. He bit back his grin, turning away from the soul that clawed for freedom.

“It’s… hard to explain. Sometimes I can smile and be happy but I don’t always feel it’s genuine. Other days I will feel just so tired and down for no reason. I sometimes cry at stupid things. It’s… emotional. It’s like I don’t know how to control how I feel anymore,” Victor began. He paused, wanting to find the right words before he continued. “And with my skating, I feel like I’m stuck in this hole. I feel like I’ve gotten trapped and every time I try to claw my way out, something someone says or something that I do with skating just throws me back in and the hole gets bigger each time I fall. I’m… trapped in this one spot and I don’t know how to get out.”

“Have you considered retiring?” Yakov suggested and Victor met his gaze. “I know it’s probably not what you want, but Vitya, if skating is making you feel depressed, perhaps it’s time you hang up your skates.”

Victor shook his head, his stubbornness coming through. “No, I can’t do that. Not after what everyone has said about me.”

“About your retirement?”

Victor nodded. “They expect me to. I can’t retire knowing I gave in to their expectations. That isn’t me,” Victor paused. “I want to try and make it to the Grand Prix one last time. I want to try and win it for the seventh time. Even if I don’t… at least I made it there. At least I got to the Grand Prix.”

Yakov sighed, shaking his head. “You’re selfish and stubborn sometimes, you know that?” Victor let out a faint laugh and Yakov smiled with him. “If that’s what you want to do Vitya, then that is what you do. But I want you to start seeing a therapist.”

“I will. I already promised Yuuri I will,” Victor said.

Yakov met Yuuri’s eyes and Yuuri knew the look itself was a silent thank you. He glanced back at Victor and asked, “Is there anything else you would like to tell me?”

Victor was silent and Yuuri nudged his side. Victor glanced down and Yuuri nodded at him. He wanted Victor to speak about his suicide attempts too. Victor swallowed hard and bit his lip. He glanced up at Yakov, nerves punching at his heart as he said, “Yes.”

“Go ahead,” Yakov said, letting him speak.

“This… is big. It’s bigger, actually. I want you to know because… well, you deserve to know,” Victor said and paused for a moment. He squeezed his eyes shut, taking a long deep breath to prepare himself. It would be the first time Victor would say it out loud, straight up what it was. He wouldn’t be admitting it by dodging around what he actually had attempted. He would say the words. Victor then met Yakov’s stare and through the shake in his voice, he said, “I’ve tried to kill myself… twice.”

Yakov’s entire body dropped. His expression fell, holding nothing but shock, sorrow, and grief as he stared at Victor. His hand fell to his mouth almost to hide his expression as he spoke just above a whisper, “ _Vitya_.”

“The first time was back in France,” Victor began his explanation. “After the Grand Prix. Back then, it was… all of the expectations that people pushed on me. And the fact that I felt I couldn’t live up to those expectations anymore, it made me… feel like I had nowhere to go. Especially since I felt so,  _so_ alone. When I would think of my death, I used to see nobody. But – but I was wrong.”

Yakov didn’t speak immediately. He took a moment to process what he was hearing. “And the second time?”

“L-Last night.”

Yakov sighed, “Vitya…”

“I was very angry yesterday. Mostly at myself and I took it out on Yuuri. He didn’t deserve it.” Victor’s head dropped, guilt flooding through him. “And I had some things said to me and after the competition when I came seventh, I thought I was going to fail again and I was just so  _angry_ with myself that I was… I was begging for an escape.” Victor paused, biting his lip hard. His head rose, looking at Yakov as he said, “I don’t think I was going to swallow those pills. I thought I was but now that I think back to it, I think I would have hesitated. But it was still an attempt.”

Yakov bounded from the chair, turning his back as he stepped across the room. He paused, keeping his face away. Yuuri and Victor stared at him, startled by his action. Yuuri heard the man breathing heavily, trying to calm his emotions. Yuuri could see it in his soul too. He was hurting, not just from what Victor had said, but what Victor had almost done. The man truly cared for Victor, like Victor was his son and hearing what Victor was going through hurt Yakov.

Yakov turned on his heel and stared straight towards Victor. He shook his head, his eye heavy with heartache. “Oh, you stupid boy,” His voice trembled as he fought back his tears. “You stupid, stupid boy.”

Victor sniffed hard, his wrist rubbed at his eyes as he nodded. “I know.  _I know,_ ” He cried as a sob escaped his lips. He stood to his feet, striding over to Yakov as the man pulled Victor in, arms around him as Victor cried against his shoulder.

And in their embrace, their souls fell into place, like father and son – an inseparable bond between the two. Yakov’s promised as much care and support as he could give, wanting nothing more than to see his student recover. And Victor’s found more than just support. He had a realization. The words from those that judged him and hurt him did not matter anymore because Victor now knew he had more people who supported him – who wanted to help him. Victor realized he misread them. He never truly knew the support he had until now and that itself helped Victor’s soul heal.

“Don’t think about acting stupid like that again,” Yakov’s voice was muffled in their hug. Yuuri saw Victor’s head nod and they pulled back. Victor wiped at his eyes as Yakov met them. “I’ll help you. I’m always here, Vitya. Don’t ever forget that.”

“I won’t,” Victor replied, his voice shaking.

“We will discuss this properly when we travel back to Russia, yes?” Yakov asked and Victor nodded. “I want to make sure you recover and find help. You mean more to me than just my student, Vitya. Please, remember that.”

Victor bit his lip as he nodded, blinking back his tears that threatened to spill again as he said, “I will.”

They hugged again, pulling apart before Yakov said he needed to see to Yuri. Victor didn’t want him to leave, but he knew Yakov was a busy man. Yakov turned to the door, his hand reaching for the handle but he paused. He turned to face Yuuri.

“Yuuri. May I speak with you outside?” Yakov asked and Yuuri was taken back. He nodded, feeling a little nervous over the conversation.

The two stepped outside, Yakov letting Yuuri through first. He closed the door behind them and Yakov turned, crossing his arms as he stared down at Yuuri. Yuuri felt strangely uncomfortable meeting Yakov’s stare and chose to instead look down at his hands, playing with them.

“I have a question to ask you,” Yakov spoke and Yuuri found himself looking up. There was a long pause, causing Yuuri to feel less uncomfortable and more unsure about the question. Yakov sighed hard and asked, “I have to ask you this. I just need to know. But did… did you stop Vitya?”

Yuuri didn’t hesitate when he nodded. “Yes,” Yuuri answered. “Both times I had stopped him.”

Yuuri’s mind stopped when he felt himself being pulled into a strong hug. It wasn’t until Yakov pulled back that Yuuri’s mind came to and he realized what Yakov just did. Yuuri blinked hard, bringing himself back before he stared up at Yakov. The man smiled down at him as he said, “Thank you for saving Vitya.” Yuuri smiled back, giving Yakov a single nod. “I want to give you something as a thank you. I understand you still don’t have an income, so I would like to offer you financial help.”

“You don’t have to do that,” Yuuri said, raising his hand. While he had no use for money, he didn’t want Yakov giving him anything. “I don’t want to take your money.”

“You will be working for it,” Yakov replied. Yuuri didn’t realize. It sounded as if Yakov was going to give him money. “Every so often I would like your help at the rink. Just little jobs. At least you will be working to earn yourself some money.”

Yuuri could say he really liked the offer. The idea of earning himself money felt rewarding. But his mind thought to the afterlife and he wondered if he would still be able to keep up with it. The more Yuuri thought about it, the more he decided it wasn’t too much of a worry. Yuuri would always be there to guide someone to the afterlife. Nobody would ever be alone while traveling over. Yuuri smiled and nodded. “That is fantastic. Thank you, Yakov.”

“No,” Yakov shook his head. “Thank  _you_  for saving Vitya.”

“And I’ll do it again if I must,” Yuuri said and Yakov grinned.

“Good.”

 

* * *

 

The award ceremony went a lot smoother than it did last time. Now that Yakov knew about Victor’s depression, he made sure that the skater felt comfortable with the questions he was asked and who it was who spoke to him.

It only did so much before someone made a snide comment about his choice in answering specific questions and Yuuri told that person to be quiet. Yuuri could see Victor was hurt by the comment. Yuuri could see it on his face. But it did nothing to his soul. It only made him feel down. And Yuuri thought at least his soul stayed healing, recovering from the years it’s been caged by sorrow.

And then before they knew it, the day had ended. Victor returned to their hotel room with a bronze medal and a soul that shined brighter. And Yuuri came to learn something about Victor’s soul and what he needed to do to help him recover.

All Victor’s soul needed, was for people to understand him – or to just try to.

Yuuri thought about it in full. The first time Victor’s soul tried to break free was when Victor thought Yuuri understood his loneliness. He felt a connection with Yuuri, one which made him think that Yuuri understood how he felt and what he was dealing with. The first time, it was because Yuuri understood him.

And the second was Yakov wanting to understand him. Yakov wanted to know how to help Victor deal with his depression and recover. Not only had it made Victor realize he wasn’t as alone as he thought, Yakov wanted to try and grasp what it was Victor was feeling. Yakov wanted to try and relate to his depression and how to help Victor cope, and it made Victor’s soul heal a second time.

It was easier said than done. While Yuuri knew those around him would try and understand his feeling, much like Yakov – or even relate to his depression, it was up to Victor if he wanted to let it heal his soul or not. Victor was the one who made that choice and if Victor didn’t accept that help – if he didn’t want people to try and understand him, Yuuri feared he may never figure out how to help Victor.

But he was going to see a therapist. He was going to speak to not only a professional, but he was going to be more open about it. He had spoken to Yakov which was fantastic. Yuuri felt Victor made good progress in his recovery by telling Yakov. All he needed to do was talk to Yuri and answer the questions he wanted to ask.

And that night while they were curled up to one another, arms and legs tangled around each other, Yuuri found his mind buzzing with questions. He turned to look at Victor. His eyes were closed but he was not yet asleep, and Yuuri wanted to ease his mind.

“When are you going to speak with Yuri?”

Victor sighed, keeping his eyes closed as he breathed, “When we get back to Russia.

Yuuri would have left it there but his mind didn’t calm down. He needed to know more. “Will it be after you and Yakov talk about seeing a therapist?”

Victor opened his heavy eyes for only a second before closing them. “Yes, Yuuri.”

Yuuri didn’t find a question to ask after that. He watched as Victor breathed in, sinking his head further into the pillow when Yuuri’s mind awoke again. “Are you feeling nervous about talking to –”

“Yuuri, just –” Victor huffed as he opened his eyes and stared up at Yuuri, eyes heavy with sleep. “Do you really need to ask these questions now? I’m really tired.” He yawned loudly, rubbing his eyes with his palms.

“I’m sorry,” Yuuri apologized, feeling horrible that he was keeping Victor up. “I’ll let you sleep now.”

But Victor didn’t close his eyes. Instead, he moved, sitting up against the headboard. Yuuri did too, staring at him curiously and wondering why Victor wasn’t going back to sleep. Victor’s hand found Yuuri’s hair and as his fingers weaved through his locks, Victor said, “You’re worried about something.”

Yuuri was worried for Victor. But his worries were about his future and his recovery, not something Yuuri felt was necessary to talk about now. He shook his head, deciding he didn’t want to keep Victor up any longer. “No. I’m fine.”

Victor sighed, “Look, I’m awake now. If you want to talk to me, you can.”

If Yuuri could, he would. He would talk to Victor about these worries, especially his worry about the Universe. But the Universe was something Yuuri couldn’t talk to Victor about. Not yet, anyway. He wanted to find some reassurance, but he didn’t know how he could discuss his worry without actually saying what the real worry was.

He needed to either come up with a different reason or assure Victor that he was fine.

“I’m just…” Yuuri paused, trying to think of what he could say. But in that instant moment, he felt a pained stab against his chest. His mind jumped, his consciousness traveling from one place to another. He felt it – he felt the pain of a soul being ripped apart. He felt the death of a soul, killed by something evil.

Yuuri blinked hard and choked on his breath. He could feel its pain in his own being, pulling and tugging at his chest with no mercy. He sat up, gasping as his hand clenched at his chest, where his heart would be. He had never felt the pain of a killed soul before. Not at that strength. He wheezed in a breath, coughing as he tried to control his breathing.

It hurt. It hurt so much.

“Yuuri, are you okay?!” Victor gasped, hands on Yuuri’s shoulders as he moved in front of Yuuri. He stared wide eyed, heart racing and hands trembling as he tried to meet Yuuri’s eyes. “What’s happening? Yuuri, please talk to me!”

Yuuri squeezed his eyes shut and tried to breathe. His hand trembled as he pressed it against his heart, almost as if to ease the pain he felt. And quicker than the pain started, it stopped and Yuuri gasped hard, sucking in as much breath as he could. He panted, water filled eyes staring around the room as he came back to reality. He then met Victor’s gaze, seeing nothing but fear and concern through Victor’s eyes.

“V-Victor,” Yuuri choked, swallowing hard. He knew what had happened. He knew in an instant what he just witnessed. It was an attack. The attack wasn’t aimed at him, but at a soul, and that souls pain projected onto him. He knew that pain. He had felt it once before but never to the strength he felt just then.

And Yuuri knew one thing. He needed to leave.

He jumped from the bed and slipped into the first pair of clothes he could find. He could feel Victor’s eyes staring at him as he got ready. Yuuri tried to ignore him. For now. He needed to go. He needed to help that soul.

“Yuuri, please tell me what happened?” Victor’s voice spoke and Yuuri paused. He couldn’t leave without letting Victor know he would be back. He couldn’t leave and not say anything. He turned, his eyes meeting the fearful blues of Victor’s.

“Something bad has happened,” Yuuri said and Victor recoiled, taken back by Yuuri’s words. Yuuri moved forward and placed his hands either side of Victor’s head, pressing their foreheads together as he said, “I need to leave. I will be back as soon as I can.”

“Yuuri…” Victor breathed. He moved back, shaking his head as he said, “You can’t just leave. What happened to you? Are – are you okay?”

“I will be, yes,” Yuuri said, nodding. “Right now, I need to go. Please. I – I need you to trust me. Please, Victor. Please.” He gripped Victor’s hands tight, begging for him to just trust him. He needed Victor’s trust more than anything.

Victor took a deep breath before squeezing his eyes shut and nodding. “Okay,” He whispered. “I – I will try. Just… come back to me. Please.”

“I will always return back to you, Victor,” Yuuri smiled warmly. “If I’m not back before you leave, I will see you back home. I will always come back.” He ran a hand through Victor’s hair, reminding himself how soft Victor’s strands felt between his fingers. He moved forward, kissing Victor’s warm lips, taking in the softness and warmth. It pained him to leave too, but he couldn’t waste another minute.

And Yuuri turned, leaving the room before he hesitated any longer. He couldn’t wait anymore. There was a demon on the loose, and Yuuri needed to deal with it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHOA BOY, Demons and shit. What the frick
> 
> Also, Chris won gold. That was requested by a friend who hasn't even read this fic, but hey, he'll be happy


	15. Chapter 15

 

 

Victor could easily say that he had never met anyone as intriguing and enchanting as Yuuri.

Yuuri was many things. If Victor had to make it cheesy, he would say Yuuri was like the night sky. But Victor liked cheesy, and Yuuri truly was the night sky. He was a shining light against the darkness, enchanting and oddly strange. He was full of wonders and mysteries, ones that Victor wanted to dig further and find out Yuuri’s many secrets. Yuuri was many things, and he was more than just beautiful.

Yuuri was weird. He didn’t understand some of the most basic things in life, like crying, or phones, or knowing how the TV remote works. Yuuri didn’t seem to understand his own emotions or needs either, but he tried hard to understand Victor’s. And at times, it stressed Victor out. Not because Yuuri didn’t understand. It was because Yuuri didn’t seem to care for his own needs. Victor didn’t want Yuuri ignoring his needs for him. But as much as Yuuri was probably going to be the reason why Victor would start balding in his early 30’s, he wouldn’t trade Yuuri for the world.

Yuuri had helped him in more ways than just his depression. He filled the loneliness that ate him alive, that pulled him under the current and drowned him. Yuuri pulled him back. He pulled him above the waters and for once, he could finally breathe. And that night in France when Victor wanted to jump, Yuuri did something Victor felt he couldn’t do for a year. Yuuri had surprised him.

When Victor first laid eyes on Yuuri, he expected him to ramble on about how everyone loved Victor and how he had so much to live for. That wasn’t what Victor wanted to hear. But Yuuri didn’t. He didn’t even try to suggest that anyone loved him. And that, Victor never expected.

It was that moment that Victor felt an undeniable connection with Yuuri. There was something about the way that he spoke and the way that he seemed to know exactly what Victor needed, that made Victor hope. He wasn’t going to let that go. He believed Yuuri was sent to him for a reason, and with the sudden fall of his career, he's come to believe that even more.

Yuuri was helping him cope. He was helping Victor deal with his sudden fall in his career. Victor felt he was nothing but just another skater, one who was overstaying their welcome and should have stopped long ago. He could once ignore those words. When he was winning gold, those words never stopped him from trying. They only added pressure. Then it added expectations, and Victor couldn’t handle it. But now his skating had gotten worse and he couldn’t seem to win gold anymore, those words became harder to ignore. When Victor looked around, he saw nothing but shaking heads, disappointing glares, and taunts about his attempt in trying.

But Victor wanted to try. He wanted nothing but to prove them wrong. He knew he was being stubborn and perhaps a little selfish, but he didn’t want to end his career on a low.

His skating was something he struggled to figure out. He couldn’t work out why he couldn’t seem to skate like he used to. It was as if a weight pushed against his shoulders and every time he tried to skate, it would only become heavier. It caused an ache in his back and his arms to feel heavy. When he tried to remind himself of his routine, his head would go fuzzy and he would remember nothing. It was almost as if his body and mind were telling him to just stop.

But Victor didn’t want to. If he stopped, he didn’t know what he would do without his skating. If he stopped, he wouldn’t be ‘Living legend, Victor Nikiforov’. He would be 'just Victor’. And he didn’t know how he felt about being just Victor.

But Yuuri liked just Victor, and Victor began to wonder if being just Victor wasn’t as bad as he thought.

As oddly strange and bizarre Yuuri was, he was Victor’s life outside of skating. Yuuri was his life – a gift from nowhere that came and saved him from an end he didn’t want anymore. Yuuri made Victor feel alive for the first time in a long while. Yuuri helped him find the will and fight to continue on. Yuuri helped him try and figure things out, and Victor wanted to continue living – not just for Yuuri, but for himself too.

Victor loved Yuuri. He loved Yuuri so much.

If Yuuri wanted it too, Victor would spend the rest of his life with Yuuri until they were both old and gray. Victor would want to marry Yuuri one day and raise children with him, and he hoped Yuuri wished for the same thing too. Even if he didn’t, he could work something out. Victor knew that regardless, he would be happy and undoubtedly in love. And as much as Yuuri was the hardest person to read, Victor had enough hints to know that Yuuri loved him too.

But Victor had to remind himself of Yuuri’s longing stares and gentle touches as he packed his things in his suitcase. The heavy weight of doubt pushed against his mind, asking himself if he was reading Yuuri correctly. He knew Yuuri would be back soon, but this was the longest Yuuri had been gone for. Victor reminded himself of how much love he felt in Yuuri’s company, but even when he and Yakov discussed Victor’s therapy sessions on the plane back to Russia, it didn’t ease his mind.

He expected Yuuri to surprise him by being at the airport, but as he searched the area for Yuuri, he didn’t see the bright light that caught his eye. He didn’t see his Yuuri waiting for him. And that doubt only pulled harder as his mind began to blame himself for Yuuri leaving.

And then Victor returned to his home alone. The silence was heavy, reminding Victor of a time when Yuuri wasn’t here – A time when the loneliness ate him alive, swallowing every ounce of hope he had. And Victor knew the moment he started to cry that he missed Yuuri; that he hated his mind for doubting everything. His tears dripped down his cheeks as his soft cries echoed throughout the room, causing nothing but another reminder of how lonely he felt.

Victor had no choice but to wait. He waited, and waited, but Yuuri never came back. When the darkness fell, so did Victor’s mind. He was at a battle with himself, blaming himself for messing up the only last happiness he had. He blamed himself for Yuuri leaving, that it was his own fault for being alone. It was his own fault. He drove everyone away. None of them understood.

He thought Yuuri had, but the longer Yuuri was absent, the more Victor doubted everything he thought he knew.

A sudden crash was heard in his kitchen and Victor’s heart jumped out of his chest, his head shot up at the sound. He jumped up from the couch, frozen in terror. The thought of it being a burglar sent a terrifying shiver down his spine, but the thought of it being Yuuri was his only encouragement to move. He pulled his phone out of his pocket, dialing the police so he was ready in case it wasn’t Yuuri. He reached the door and as his hand touched the handle, he froze. He heard a groan. It sounded familiar.

It was Yuuri.

Victor didn’t hesitate any longer. He pushed the door open. The soft _clang_ of his phone hitting the ground was heard, but the gasp Victor stifled back with his hands was muted. Victor first noticed the red. There was so much that Victor couldn’t believe it was real, that it was Yuuri’s own blood pouring from the harsh cuts over his body. He noticed the tremble throughout Yuuri’s body, leaning hard against the table to keep himself up. Yuuri’s head slowly rose, meeting Victor’s stare. His skin was pale and clammy, and he panted hard but hissed at the pain. And Victor broke out from his frozen state.

“Y-Yuuri!” Victor cried as he ran to Yuuri’s side. He didn’t know what to do. He wanted to stop the blood but he didn’t know how. He could only call for help. He needed to get Yuuri to the hospital. He turned to grab his phone that laid flat on the floor until he felt a strong grasp around his wrist. He looked up, staring shocked at Yuuri, who was shaking his head. Victor hesitated to pull his arm back as his stare shifted between Yuuri and his phone. “Yuuri, I need to call an ambulance.”

Yuuri shook his head. “Don’t,” Yuuri bit back a cry. “Please. I’ll – I’ll be fine.”

There were more appropriate times for Yuuri to be strange but now wasn’t it. He couldn’t possibly be fine. He needed medical treatment from someone who was trained. Victor wasn’t. He didn’t know how to help Yuuri. “Yuuri, no. I – I can’t leave you like this,” Victor replied, his voice shaking along with the rapid beating of his heart. “Yuuri, I need to call an ambulance.”

But Yuuri still shook his head. “I’ll guide you through it. Please.” Victor didn’t know if he should touch him, afraid of accidentally touching a cut. He couldn’t tell what had done this to Yuuri. It looked as if he had gotten into a fight with an animal. Yuuri then pointed to the door, his finger shaking as he said, “W-We need to clean… wounds.”

Victor shook his head. He can’t let Yuuri just sit and bleed out. He was going to call an ambulance, regardless to Yuuri saying no. He pulled his arm from Yuuri’s grip and grabbed his phone from the floor. He didn’t process the sudden absence of his phone until he felt a slap hit his hand and the missing weight in his hand. Victor’s head shot towards Yuuri, staring at his face that held a desperate plea.

“Victor, please,” Yuuri begged. He was shaking, his head moving side to side with as he pleaded. “Please, please, please, don’t. I – I don’t need an ambulance. P-please, Victor. Please trust me.”

Victor breathed in a shaky breath. He needed to. He couldn’t leave Yuuri like this. “Y-Yuuri, I need to. Don’t – Don’t do this to me.”

“Trust me, please,” Yuuri wept and Victor didn’t want to hear him say it again. He trusted Yuuri, but this was different. He looked as if an animal attacked him. Yuuri needed proper medical attention. “I don’t need an ambulance. Please. If – if I get worse, then you can call one. Just – just understand me when I say I don’t need to go to the hospital. Please.”

Victor would be completely stupid if he agreed. He needed to get Yuuri to the hospital as soon as possible. But the look in Yuuri’s eyes. Whatever had happened, Yuuri really didn’t want to be taken to the hospital, and Victor’s theories on Yuuri’s secret life came rushing back to him.

He knew he would hate himself later on, but he was going to agree. He would clean Yuuri’s wounds and call an ambulance if they continued to bleed. It wouldn’t matter how much Yuuri begged, he would call an ambulance. He swallowed hard and nodded. “A-alright. Fine. Just – I will get you to a hospital if they keep bleeding.”

Yuuri managed to pull a weak smile through his pain. “Thank you, Victor,” Yuuri sighed. “You just need – need to clean my wounds. I – I will be fine… after. Just, clean.”

Victor nodded. He could do that. The bathroom was the best place for that. He had everything there. “I need to move to the bathroom.” Yuuri nodded and wrapped an arm over Victor’s shoulder. He breathed in and out, preparing himself as Victor helped him move. He was heavy, struggling to keep himself up but Victor pulled through, using as much strength to help Yuuri stay on his feet as he guided him to the bathroom.

He sat Yuuri on the side of the bath and just looked at him. He didn’t know what to do or where to go. He stared, eyes blinking as he waited for his next instructions. Yuuri’s face was in pain, his teeth gritted together and his eyes squeezed shut. He was hurt and Victor hated that he didn’t know exactly what to do. He reminded himself of Yuuri’s words. He needed to clean the wounds. His eyes met the shower and he had a thought.

“I need to take your clothes off.”

Yuuri didn’t protest. He only raised his arms, letting Victor remove his clothes. He worked on his shirt, easing it away from his skin carefully, trying to not catch any of his cuts. He then removed Yuuri’s trousers, easing them off a little easier than his shirt. His legs weren’t cut too badly. But then he didn’t know if he should remove Yuuri’s underwear. Yuuri didn’t have any cuts there, but Yuuri was getting into the shower. He didn’t know.

“Should I… remove your underwear?” Victor had to ask. He didn’t want to go any further without asking Yuuri. If it was him, he wouldn’t care. He wasn’t ashamed of his body. But he didn’t know if Yuuri was. He had never seen Yuuri in nude before. But Yuuri nodded his head and Victor bit back the slight nerves and helped Yuuri out of his underwear. He took a deep breath, easing his racing heart before he helped Yuuri sit in the tub.

He moved the shower head from the wall, turning the faucet on and waited for the water to warm up. He then lowered the shower setting enough for the water to not spray at full force. He didn’t want to hurt Yuuri. He rolled his sleeves up and moved closer to Yuuri, meeting his eyes as he silently asked for permission. Yuuri gave a weak nod and Victor moved to Yuuri’s back, wanting to clean his worst cut first.

The gentle fall of the water covered his skin, droplets of water running over Yuuri’s cuts. Yuuri hissed, hands trembling at the pain and Victor pulled the water away. He eyed Yuuri, waiting for him to ease back into a steady state. Yuuri breathed in hard before turning to meet Victor’s eyes. He bit the inside of his cheek as he nodded. And Victor continued.

The blood washed away, turning the water into a pink as it raced down the drain. Victor grabbed a wash cloth, gently dabbing away any blood that didn’t wash away with the water. He was gentle, taking his time as he cleaned Yuuri’s wounds on his arms, legs, back, and shoulders. The bleeding had stopped, which Victor was relieved by, but it didn’t help his curiosity and concern. Whatever Yuuri had been through, it had hurt him and Victor wanted to know.

“What happened, Yuuri?” Victor asked. He hoped Yuuri would tell him. He knew the chances of it happening were slim, but he desperately prayed for an answer.

Yuuri swallowed hard, shaking his head as he said, “I can’t say. I’m sorry.”

Victor would be lying if he said he wasn’t annoyed. He accepted that Yuuri had some other life outside of him – one he didn’t let Victor know of. Before, he thought Yuuri might have been some kind of secret agent, like a ninja. Now, although it seemed more likely, he didn’t believe that anymore. The injuries Yuuri held over his body were not from a person. It was from an animal. And Victor couldn’t guess what life Yuuri had anymore.

It had Victor to want to ask more questions, but he knew it would be an impossible attempt. Yuuri was a box full of secrets. But Victor was determined to slowly make his way through, to discover what Yuuri was hiding.

He respected Yuuri’s secrets. He had his own which Yuuri never pried for. But there was a difference between keeping the fact that you like pineapple on pizza a secret to coming home looking like a bear had mauled you. After seeing Yuuri how he was, cut up and injured, hurt by some kind of animal, Victor needed to know more. Yuuri’s secret was hurting him and Victor didn’t want Yuuri to be hurt.

He helped Yuuri out of the tub and sat him on the floor. He grabbed a towel, not caring that it was white and would be ruined by any cut of Yuuri’s that continued to bleed. Yuuri was more important. He dried Yuuri off the best he could, dabbing the towel over his injuries to dry them. Victor then grabbed the first aid kit from the bathroom cabinet and searched through the box for some kind of band aid or a bandage. He knew he needed to keep the wound covered while it recovered but he wasn’t sure what was best.

“Just use the bandage,” Yuuri’s voice spoke and Victor glanced over his shoulder. Yuuri stared through heavy lidded eyes as he said, “It’ll cover my wounds easier.”

Victor grabbed the bandage and worked on covering his wounds. He started with his back first, moving to his shoulder, then legs and arms. When Yuuri’s wounds were all cleaned and bandaged, Victor helped him to his feet again before guiding him over to their bedroom.

He eased Yuuri down onto the bed, laying him on his stomach to avoid his cuts on his back from getting too much pressure on them. He sat to the side of the bed, running his fingers through Yuuri’s hair to ease his pain. As Yuuri opened his eyes and stared up, Victor recognized the look.

It was just the same as he had looked when Yuuri had his panic attack. He looked numb, almost emotionless. His eyes held no light. His face was loose, his muscles at a relaxed state. There was no anger, happiness, joy, or sadness. He appeared bored, as if the pain didn’t bother him. But Victor knew it did. Victor knew by the way he hissed, gritting his teeth to ease the sting that hurt him.

Victor assumed it was Yuuri’s way of coping. While Victor didn’t know what it was that Yuuri went through, he could only assume it was his way of trying to cope. Victor wished it wasn’t like this. Victor wished Yuuri would speak with him, much like how he does with Yuuri. He understood secrets, but this was something more.

“I’ve stopped bleeding,” Yuuri’s voice startled Victor from his thoughts. Victor stared down, eyes scanning over Yuuri’s bandages. He didn’t believe that. “Check if you want. But they’ve stopped.”

Victor carefully pulled the bandage around his chest back, revealing the sore, red gash across Yuuri’s back. Victor’s breath hitched, blinking down at Yuuri’s wound. Yuuri was right, it had stopped bleeding. Victor stared at the cut, forcing his hand back to not touch at the wound. He scanned every inch of it. He couldn’t believe how quickly Yuuri’s wound had stopped bleeding. It wasn’t even cut anymore. It was beginning to look more like a faint scratch, or a wound close to being healed.

Whatever Yuuri did – whatever Yuuri _was_ , Victor wanted to know.

He placed the bandage back over Yuuri’s healing wound and moved to lie by Yuuri’s side. Yuuri turned his head to face Victor, their eyes meeting each other. Victor’s hand moved, cupping Yuuri’s cheek as his thumb stroked. There was a slight hint of light and a small smile against Yuuri’s lips as he closed his eyes, enjoying the touch.

“You really are something… different, aren’t you?” Victor asked. Yuuri blinked slowly as a weak smile grew across his lips. Yuuri was coming back, the light in his eye slowly grew. Victor moved forward, pressed a gentle kiss to Yuuri’s forehead. He stayed close, kissing Yuuri’s head again as his hand ran through Yuuri’s hair. Above a whisper, he said, “I wish you would tell me more.”

“I do too,” Yuuri spoke back. Victor moved down to meet Yuuri’s gaze. Yuuri swallowed hard as he said, “I promise I will tell you one day. Not yet, but one day.” There was a long pause. Neither knew what to say or what to do. Victor wanted to ask more questions, but he knew he wasn’t going to get them answered and he hated it. Yuuri then sighed heavily and Victor focused on Yuuri as he asked, “Are you going to call an ambulance?”

“I should,” Victor answered. He really, _really_ should. “But… you’ve stopped bleeding. Your wounds are healing. I – I don’t know how but… What are you, Yuuri?”

Yuuri only smiled, a single laugh escaped his lips as he said, “When it’s time, I’ll tell you.” Victor frowned, annoyed that Yuuri _still_ refused to tell Victor anything. Yuuri hummed and Victor looked up, Yuuri’s face showing nothing but content as his smile stayed stretched across his face. “Don’t look so down. You’ll know one day soon. I promise.”

Victor breathed in heavily as he nodded. He would remember that promise. He didn’t just want Yuuri to tell him what had happened, he wanted Yuuri to tell him everything. He needed Yuuri too. He needed to know what Yuuri was going through and if Victor could help him at all. Yuuri had helped Victor, and Victor wanted to return it too.

“I’ll hold you to that,” Victor said. There was a pause and everything came rushing back – his loneliness, how much he missed Yuuri, the marks cross Yuuri’s back, everything. And Victor had to bite back his tears as he said, “I don’t know what kind of life you have outside of me, but I just want you to know that it scares me.”

It did more than just scare Victor. It terrified him. Now seeing the wounds across Yuuri’s body, he realized how that the life Yuuri had was hurting him. Yuuri breathed in a deep breath and said, “It scares me too, sometimes.” Victor felt his own heart shatter. He didn’t want Yuuri going through that. “This won’t happen again. I promise. I won’t scare you like this again, Victor.”

Victor trusted his word. And he wanted to ask more questions, but he knew he wasn’t going to get an answer to them. His only choice was to wait. So as Victor shifted closer to Yuuri to kiss him lightly on the lips, he said, “Whatever hurt you… I hope it doesn’t hurt you again.”

Yuuri shook his head. “It’s gone. It cannot hurt me anymore.”

Victor didn’t know what he meant but decided not to pry anymore. He closed his eyes, hands staying against Yuuri’s skin to feel the warmth and love of his presence. Victor knew he still loved Yuuri, and he knew Yuuri loved him too.

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri discovered what it felt to be truly scared of something. That fear that ran through his body, quaking every inch of him, he never wanted to experience again. It pulled at his chest and made his throat feel closed. His mind raced with adrenaline and the more he thought back to that demon, the more he wanted to be closer to Victor.

But he could only get so close. He needed to be careful of his injuries. They ached and throbbed and Yuuri’s mind felt like nothing but a dull ache that rested above his eyes. He didn’t like that feeling. He didn’t like how pain felt.

Everything that had happened from the moment Yuuri left to the moment he returned was nothing but a mess. The demon that attacked him was the strongest demon he had ever faced. And it had terrified him. Its sharp claws swiping, aiming for Yuuri in a deadly battle. It intended to hurt with no mercy. And it did hurt Yuuri. It cut him, slicing its claws through his skin. Unlike the last demon he faced, this one was strong enough to hurt Yuuri. This one had caused more damage than any other. He was lucky, in a way. If he was human, his wounds would have been deeper and harsher. But he wasn’t human, so his wounds were minor and an easy recovery.

But that didn’t stop him from needing help. He had tried to avoid going back to Victor but he needed to clean his wounds and he needed the pain to ease. He knew Victor was beginning to suspect something. He knew Victor was going to start asking questions but Yuuri had wanted to avoid it. Yuuri wanted to keep Victor oblivious to Yuuri’s true life, but things had gotten out of hand. He needed to get back to Victor. He needed help.

Yuuri hated that he had to beg Victor to not call for help. He didn’t need it. He knew he would heal quick enough for his bleeding to stop eventually. He knew cleaning his wounds would help the process, but the pained look on Victor’s face when Yuuri begged for him to not get help made Yuuri’s own pain hurt even more. He really didn’t like it.

And it would have caused more questions if he had been taken to the hospital. He didn’t want Victor to suspect any more than he already was. There were questions Yuuri was not ready to answer yet. He will tell Victor one day, he knew that for certain. But today was not the day.

The fact that he was bleeding was strange. He hadn’t bled in centuries. He had forgotten that he even could bleed. It was such a strange and uncomfortable feeling, one that he didn’t want to feel anymore. But the ache and sting over his body remained and Yuuri just had to wait it out. He would heal quickly, so his wait wasn’t long.

Yuuri had thought to himself if this was the Universes punishment for Yuuri, but it didn’t make sense. The Universe wouldn’t purposefully create a demon, no matter how angry it was at Yuuri. The Universe specifically gave Yuuri the power to be everywhere to _avoid_ that problem. Yet, a demon still appeared.

He didn’t think about it too much. It hurt his head and he didn’t want to be reminded of the demon. It had wanted to kill him. The pain that he was feeling had Yuuri wonder what would happen if he ever died. He couldn’t die, but the thought didn’t leave his mind. The demon sent chills down his spine, a fear that struck Yuuri unlike anything else. But the demon was gone. It was dead. Yuuri had nothing to fear.

And it didn’t matter because Victor laid beside him, his skin against his own and his warm breath tickling at his neck. Victor smelled fresh, a sweet aroma to his senses. It was enough for Yuuri to feel content with life. It didn’t ease his pain, but he felt better knowing Victor was with him.

“How are you feeling?” He heard Victor’s voice whisper close to his ear. He opened his eyes, his headache had eased overnight. He met the sweet, gentle blues of Victor’s eyes and Yuuri saw home. “Are your cuts still hurting you?”

Yuuri smiled. His hand rose, lacing behind Victor’s neck as he pulled him close. He met him halfway and kissed his lips slow and soft, finding comfort in ways that words could not explain. Yuuri didn’t want to pull back but he had to. The strain he felt against his back pulled at his wounds, sending shocks of pain through his back. He laid his head back against the pillow, sighing as he said, “They hurt a little, but I’m fine now.”

Just being with Victor was enough to help his wounds seem like a minor inconvenience. He sighed deeply, his fingers playing with the back of Victor’s hair. Yuuri took comfort in the embrace, finding it easing his pain.

“You really scared me,” Yuuri heard Victor’s voice quiver. He opened his eyes. “I – I thought… I didn’t know what I thought. I just saw you covered in blood and I just…”

“I’m sorry I scared you,” Yuuri apologized. He truly meant it. He never wanted to scare Victor like that. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“I know,” Victor closed his eyes, his lips pressing together tight as he nodded. Yuuri was relieved. “Just promise me you won’t come back like that again.”

Yuuri could easily make that promise. Demons were a one off – rare compared to any other spirits he helped. Yuuri nodded and moved forward to press his lips to Victor’s own before saying, “I promise. It was a one off. It will never happen again.”

“Good,” Victor swallowed. “Good. Yeah. I – I …” The sudden ring of Victor’s phone had him sigh heavily. He turned, grabbing his phone from the side as he looked at the text he had received. He glanced over at Yuuri. “It’s Yurio. He wants to come over and talk.”

“That’s fine by me,” Yuuri said and Victor gave him a look. Yuuri raised a brow with question.

“Are you sure you want him over and see you like this?” Victor asked. Yuuri thought about it. It was best he didn’t. He didn’t want to have another person worry about him, or have Yuri suspect him too. He would rather avoid having another person ask him questions he can’t answer yet.

Yuuri shook his head. “It’s best he doesn’t for now.” Victor nodded and turned back to his phone, his thumbs tapping at the screen. “I hate that my injuries are stopping you from seeing people.”

Victor paused his texting as he glanced at Yuuri. “No. Don’t say that,” Victor turned to lie on his side, facing Yuuri. “Look, I may not know what happened but it doesn’t matter. I’m certain you didn’t ask for this to happen. Don’t blame yourself.”

Yuuri couldn’t help but apologize. He hated that he got injured. He should have known better that the strength of that demon would be enough to hurt him. He should have demanded the Universe to help him. Perhaps the Universe wanted him to, but he didn’t think of that. His only thought to rid the demon before it hurt someone else.

And he grieved the soul that had died. But now the first soul that died from the first demon would not be alone anymore. In a way, it had a silver lining. But it was still horrific, regardless of how many souls died in the hands of a demon.

The first day went by at a rather slow pace. Yuuri didn’t dare move from the bed, fearing that he would only reopen his wounds. He stayed bed ridden, Victor being there to assist him with any needs – not that Yuuri had any, but Victor expressed that he liked helping Yuuri.

During Yuuri’s own recovery, Victor had taken time off skating until Yuuri was well enough to stand without feeling pain. Neither knew how long it would take so Victor took off a week just in case. To Yakov’s despair, he had accepted. And Victor spent the first few days helping Yuuri heal from wounds that began to feel better.

And by the third day, Yuuri was on his feet. He struggled to sit against anything or lean his back on something hard, but he was up and walking and was making a quick recovery. He removed his bandages that day. His cuts were still visible, but most were now a faded mark across his skin, like scars. He had shown Victor his recovery, who stared with wide eyes.

Yuuri took to wearing long sleeved shirts. It wasn’t because he didn’t like his cuts. He didn’t want to remind Victor of what he had gone through. He didn’t want Victor looking at them and thinking he didn’t help Yuuri enough. He also wore long sleeves in case they had a surprise visit from Yuri, which was likely given Victor had to tell Yuri about his depression.

And that reminded Yuuri to ask Victor. They were in the living room, sat back on the couch watching TV when Yuuri had the thought. He glanced up at Victor was focused more on the TV when he asked, “Have you spoken with Yuri yet?”

Victor glanced down, brows dropped. He had a second where he didn’t know what Yuuri was talking about before his mind caught up. He huffed out a laugh at his own forgetfulness and said, “I have actually given him a message.” Yuuri was surprised. “He will come over after practice.”

Yuuri nodded. It was good. He was going to talk to another person and Yuuri wanted to check his soul. He wanted to keep an eye on it, make sure it heals rather than breaks. As long as Victor soul healed, he was a step closer to helping Victor ease into his retirement.

He didn’t want Victor to end his career on a low, negative note. If he had the opportunity to make it as easy and as painless as he could, he would do so.

“That’s good,” Yuuri smiled. “Would you still like for me to be with you when you talk to him?”

“Please,” Victor said as he nodded. “I – I am a little nervous to talk to him. I know I’m just making myself worried, but I just don’t know how he will react.”

Yuuri knew that Yuri would be fine. He remembered back to when Yuri asked him about Victor’s suicide. Yuri reacted in a way that made Yuuri feel confident that it would go fine. He knew Victor would feel comfortable with Yuri’s reaction and that was all that mattered. He was certain Yuri wouldn’t push Victor or hurt him in any way.

“I’ll be there with you. You have nothing to worry about,” Yuuri’s hand cupped Victor’s cheek, stroking his thumb over Victor’s cheekbone. “He will understand. I’m certain of it.”

Victor bit his lip before it broke out into a small smile. “I hope so.”

They then spent the rest of their day waiting. It wasn’t that they wanted to, but neither could forget that the talk with Yuri would be soon and neither really knew completely how it would go. While Yuuri felt confident enough that Yuri would be okay, Victor still felt worried.

When they heard a knock on the door, both knew who it would be. They shared a look and Victor sighed deeply, leaving the kitchen to open the front door.

Yuuri didn’t even see Yuri before he heard his voice through the wall saying, “I hope you’re finally going to tell me the truth.” He then walked into the kitchen, pausing when his eyes landed on Yuuri. He turned to Victor, pointing at Yuuri and said, “Is he going to be with us too?”

Victor nodded, “Yes. If that is okay?”

“Yeah, I don’t care,” He shrugged as he sat down opposite Yuuri while Victor moved to sit beside him. There was a silence, uncomfortable as nobody knew what to say. Yuri scratched his head, shifting around in his seat before clearing his throat. “So, uh. When – when are you seeing a therapist?”

“This Tuesday,” Victor said. Yuuri looked at him, only finding that out in that moment. That was three days from now. “I’ll be seeing my therapist two times a week.”

“That’s good,” Yuri nodded and then the silence fell again. Yuri pulled a face, huffing as he demanded, “For God sake, just – just tell me what you refused to tell me about France. I’ve had my guesses. I’m prepared. I think I deserve to know.”

“You do. That’s why I asked you to come here,” Victor agreed. Yuri crossed his arms, waiting for Victor to continue. “I just want to make certain that you are prepared. You say you are, but I just want to be certain.”

“I know you’re depressed, but you tried to kill yourself, didn’t you?” Yuri asked, not a beat of hesitation. Victor stared wide eyed, startled by Yuri’s confidence to ask. Yuri scoffed as he rolled his eyes. “Come on, you made it really easy for me to guess. I asked you if you killed yourself and you didn’t deny it. That was enough of a confirmation for me. But I need to hear you say it.”

With a sigh, Victor nodded. “Yes,” He said. “I did try to kill myself in France.”

There was a pause – just one. “How?”

Yuuri turned to Victor. He held his head down, biting his lip from the nerves that quaked his body. Yuuri reached out, repeating the action he had done when Victor told Yakov and laced his fingers through Victor’s. Victor squeezed hard as he took a deep breath. He raised his head, meeting Yuri’s stare as he said, “I was going to jump off a bridge.”

Yuri’s face fell fast. In an instant his skin paled, his lips slightly parted and his brows hung low. There was a long pause – a silence that neither wanted to hear. “That’s –” Yuri swallowed hard, his eyes falling to the table to think. “That’s not a nice way to go.”

“I didn’t care at the time,” Victor answered, his grip tightening around Yuuri’s hand. “I just wanted to die. I didn’t care how I went out, as long as I did, I didn’t care.”

There was a slight change to Yuri. Yuuri saw it, the small red haze against his eyes. Yuuri did fear this – he feared Yuri letting his anger, his frustration take control. Yuuri told himself to keep an eye on Yuri and make sure he keeps that anger at bay.

“And the freak here saved you, didn’t he?” Yuri asked. Victor turned to Yuuri and the two met eyes. Victor nodded, turning back to Yuri as he did. “It’s a good job he was there to save your sorry ass.”

“That hasn’t been the only time,” Victor said and Yuri’s brows dropped heavier, a tight frown against his lips. Yuuri tightened his grip around Victor’s hand and the two met eyes again. Yuuri hoped Victor could read his expression well enough to be careful. Victor sighed as he turned back to Yuri. “I have attempted again. But it was only because I lost control of my anger. As I said to Yakov, I don’t actually think I was going to do it because I hesitated, but it was still an attempt. I wanted you to know this, Yuri.”

The silence that hung was thick, a heavy atmosphere that held emotion and grief. Yuuri kept his eyes on Yuri’s soul and the growing anger that burned inside. He needed to keep it calm, to stop it from exploding. But as Yuri opened his mouth, the haze shrunk. He controlled his anger, and Yuuri breathed.

“For fuck sake, Victor,” Yuri groaned. “You should have told someone about it sooner.”

“I know that, but it’s hard telling yourself you’re depressed when you feel like you shouldn’t be,” Victor then sighed. “But I just sank further and further. I felt like I was drowning. It – it was horrible. I just wanted it to end.”

“And now?”

“And now I don’t,” Victor answered with no hesitation. And Yuuri smiled, proud that Victor found a way through. “I know I had a recent attempt, but it was stupid. It was so, so stupid. I refuse to let that happen again. I don’t want to put anyone through that.”

“Good,” Yuri said and Victor glanced up at him, a warm smile on his face. Yuri returned it for a second before he asked, “So, you’re still going to skate regardless of your depression?”

Victor nodded, “Yes.”

“That’s fucking stupid,” Yuri spat. Victor’s breath hitched as he sank back in his chair. He met Yuuri’s gaze and Yuuri didn’t know how else to help him. He stroked his thumb over his palm, hoping it would ease him. Yuri then said, “Why are you continuing to torture yourself for the sake of other people? Fuck them, Victor. You shouldn’t give a shit about what they say or think.”

Victor brows dropped, a tight frown on his lips. “It’s not just them Yuri. I’m doing this for myself as well,” Victor defended. “I want to make it to the Grand Prix so I can end my career the way _I_ want. Not the way they want.”

Yuri sighed, shaking his head. “You should have just ended it the last Grand Prix.”

“I didn’t know I was going to… to get worse,” Victor turned his gaze away. “I never thought I would get worse.”

There was a pause. “Maybe it’s your depression?”

Yuuri wanted to shake his head, to say it wasn’t his depression, that it was a choice Yuuri made for the sake of Victor’s life. But he couldn’t. That was something he wasn’t prepared to speak about just yet.

“…Maybe,” Victor said, glancing up. He stared off into the distance, mind thinking hard. He then shook his head. “I don’t know. It doesn’t matter because I have to try now. I’m on my way there. If I don’t then what’s the point?”

Yuri was silent. “I think you’re an idiot,” He spoke and Victor held his breath. “But I would probably do the same.” Victor relaxed, easing his tense muscles. “Do whatever you want Victor, just be prepared in case you get worse from here.”

Victor smiled and nodded. “As long as I have everyone supporting me, I think I will be okay.”

Yuri crossed his arms as he scoffed. “You idiot, we’ve always supported you. Even if your plans are ridiculous,” He said before pausing. Yuuri caught the care in his soul coming through and Yuri turned his gaze away, focusing on the floor. “I… I do – you’re alright, you know. I do… care. About you.”

And Yuuri turned to Victor, eyes on his soul. What Yuuri had expected was a change, a larger crack in his soul. But as Yuuri’s eyes landed to Victor’s fighting soul, he didn’t see a large change like he had when Victor spoke to Yakov. He saw a small change, an emotion that started pushing through.

Victor was beginning to feel serenity. He was beginning to feel hope. And those were only the beginning of Victor’s recovery. They may not have helped his soul fight as strongly as it had before, but even the littlest things made the biggest difference.

Victor stood to his feet and pulled Yuri into a hug he didn’t want to be part of. Yuri kicked and yelled, “Hey! Get off me, old man!” But Victor held on, a genuine smile on his face. Yuri eventually got himself out of Victor’s grasp and declared he was going to leave.

But instead, he stayed until it got too late before he eventually did leave. After saying his goodbyes and reminding Victor to not be so stupid anymore, they crawled into bed. Victor said he was completely drained and Yuuri said the same, even if he didn’t know how feeling drained felt. They curled up to one another, enjoying the warmth of each other when Yuuri asked, “That went well, didn’t it?”

Victor hummed, his eyes staying closed. “I’m pleased. I feel a lot better about things now.” And Yuuri could agree. It had been a successful day and Yuuri could see things only getting better from there.

Yuuri watched Victor sleep that night. His restful face and calm breathing eased Yuuri into a relaxed state. He lied on his side, fingers stroking over Victor’s skin when he felt a presence that made him stop. It was strong, demanding, and Yuuri knew from just the aura itself who it was.

He reluctantly pulled himself away from Victor. He moved off the bed, eyes searching for clothes he could throw on quickly before deciding against it. He could just stay in his underwear, it didn’t matter. He then stepped out into the hallway. He looked around, feeling the aura, and following where it took him. He walked into their sitting room. His eyes fell on a figure that stood staring out the window. It was a man Yuuri had never seen before.

But by the aura, he knew who it was.

The man turned, his empty eyes boring into Yuuri’s as he greeted Death as an old friend.

“Hello, Death.”

And Yuuri felt his anger return as he stared into the empty, lifeless eyes of the Universe that possessed the soul of another, simply to speak with him.

The Universe was there to talk and Yuuri hoped he would finally have his questions answered.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH BOY THAT ENDING THOUGH (•̀꒳•́)
> 
>  
> 
> Ayeee, check it out I have Victor's POV. I know it wasn't long, but it was something to let you guys know his thoughts and what not. He's getting really suspicious.
> 
> And ya, I'm a day late. I was back at work yesterday and I was so tired and I accidentally took a 2 hour nap when I got home. But I got the chapter up for today. It's my longest chapter too!


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spice!!!!!

 

Yuuri could laugh. He would have laughed if not for the fiery burn deep inside. He couldn’t believe it. He didn’t understand. Yuuri had been trying to speak with the Universe for months and each time, he was left unanswered.

And now the Universe was here, possessing a soul that needed to move on, just so it could speak with Yuuri.

“I thought I told you not to bother trying to speak to me,” Yuuri sneered towards the Universe. He stared a cold glare into the empty eyes of the spirit they possessed, meeting the empty void that held the Universe.

It was completely absurd.

“Yes, well,” The Universe adjusted its posture, standing tall to maintain authority. “You haven’t been listening to me.”

“Of course I have,” Yuuri snapped as he moved forward, stopping as he stood in the center of the room. “I would listen to you if I wanted answers. You’ve been ignoring me.”

The Universe held their stare. Yuuri noticed their lack of movement. They never moved like a human did. They didn’t breathe, blink, or even move at times. They stood tall, like a statue. “I have not been ignoring you,” The Universe answered and Yuuri huffed. “I am always there, Death. You seem to forget that.”

Yuuri shook his head. “You have. You’ve been ignoring me. I’ve been listening for you, trying to feel your presence and you’ve just – just vanished!” Yuuri couldn’t believe they would try to lie to him. “I’ve tried speaking to you twice. I’ve visited you in the consciousness. I’ve tried speaking to you from this very ground and neither times you responded to me. You just left without telling me a thing. I – I don’t know what I’ve been doing.”

“Surely you must realize by now that you cannot always rely on me,” The Universe spoke.

Yuuri sighed heavily, shaking his head to himself. “You’re not even trying to understand what I’m saying.”

“I understand you completely,” The Universe replied. “You feel abandoned by me. But I have never left you. You forget that even when you can’t hear me, I am always there. I am the Universe, Death. I am always there.

“Then why have I not felt you?” Yuuri asked, keeping his stare fixed. “Why have I not heard you? I don’t understand.”

“You have changed,” The Universe spoke.

Yuuri scowled, asking, “Is that why I haven’t been ‘listening’ to you?”

“Yes.”

Yuuri fell silent. He thought about what the Universe said, how he seemed to have not listened because he had changed. He knew he had, but surely not enough for him to not be able to hear the Universe anymore. It didn’t make sense.

“I don’t understand,” Yuuri said, mostly to himself. He turned his gaze to the floor, his mind working hard to figure out what he couldn’t understand. “I know I’ve changed, but… I should still be able to hear you, shouldn’t I?”

“Yes, but you’ve been acting reckless, like a child,” The Universe responded. Yuuri crossed his arms, keeping his eyes fixed on the floor. He didn’t want to admit he had been reckless, but he couldn’t deny it. “You’ve delved too far into something you know nothing about. If you had taken a moment to think, you would have realized why you have changed by now.”

But Yuuri wanted to delve into the unknown. He wanted to discover the new feelings and emotions he had developed from just being with Victor. And he knew that was his change. He just couldn’t understand how he could have changed so much that it affected his ability to communicate with the Universe. But then he had a thought.

“Am I turning into a human?” Yuuri had to ask. He wasn’t sure if that was possible, but he needed to be certain.

“No,” The Universe shook their head. “You know you cannot turn yourself into a human. Only I can make that choice.”

“I feel more human,” Yuuri replied. His hands touched his arms, feeling the warmth radiate from them. He certainly felt more human than before, but he couldn’t make sense of what the Universe was suggesting. “Is that why I’ve been changing? Why I haven’t heard you? Because I feel more human?”

“Perhaps,” The Universe replied. “That is for you to answer yourself.”

Yuuri fought the urge to scoff. If he knew the Universe as well as he hoped, the Universe was suggesting one thing. “Are you trying to teach me a lesson?”

And the simple three lettered word of, “Yes,” made it even more difficult for Yuuri to not react with some type of disappointing sound.

“Is this about why I have changed?” He then asked.

“Yes, but you also have more to learn,” The Universe said. “When you find out why you have changed, it will answer many of your questions.”

Yuuri could only hope. He had many questions and he very much doubted it could answer the main questions he had on his mind. He crossed his arms, holding his stare as he asked, “Will it answer what your plans are for Victor?”

“Ah, yes,” The Universe spoke. “I was waiting for you to ask about that human you’ve found yourself intrigued by.”

“Yes. That  _human_ you planned a horrible fate for.” A fate Yuuri had changed. A fate he wished Victor never had – and one Yuuri didn’t understand. “He didn’t deserve that. He deserved better. I – I don’t understand why you planned that to be his fate. Why – why did you –?”

“Why are you so concerned about his fate?” The Universe asked, interrupting Yuuri. And Yuuri froze with a blank stare on his face. “What makes that human different to every other human who met the same fate?”

“ _Victor,_ ” Yuuri growled. “His name is Victor.”

“Yes,  _Victor._ ” The Universe took a single step forward. Their brow raised as they met Yuuri’s eye. “I shall ask again. What makes him different to every other human who met the same fate?”

Victor was different in so many ways but none that led Yuuri to an answer. He still didn’t know why he chose to save Victor that night. He thought about it a lot but he could never come to an answer. He knew he cared for Victor, but back then he didn’t. At least, he thought he didn’t. He debated that being the reason for his choice but he couldn’t say with certainty. He was still horribly confused with his own actions.

“I don’t know,” Yuuri sighed with defeat.

“And you will know once you have figured out why you have changed,” The Universe commented.

Yuuri paused, thinking. “Has he changed me?”

“You tell me,” The Universe replied. Yuuri didn’t answer, only choosing to turn away. There was a pause. “That human did have a reason to die that night.”

“I don’t see it,” Yuuri said, shaking his head. “I don’t see any effect his death would have had on anyone or anything. That’s the only reason why people who need to die, have to die. There is always a reason. I couldn’t see Victor’s reason.”

“You wouldn’t.”

Yuuri stepped back, unblinking. “…What?” He stuttered. “W-why wouldn’t I?”

“That will be answered once you discover why you have changed,” The Universe answered. And Yuuri could feel himself becoming more agitated.

“Why can’t you just tell me?”

“There are some things which even I do not understand, Death. I know of it, but I can never understand,” The Universe spoke and Yuuri raised a brow. “But you, however, can understand it. And you will understand it. You will know one day. That is the lesson I am teaching you. I am trying to help you.”

“I don’t feel like you’re trying to help me!” Yuuri yelled. His hand slapped to his mouth. He turned to the door, fear that he had woken up Victor before he realized Victor couldn’t hear. He was in his Death form. He was a ghost, silent to life around him. He glared back at the Universe, his frustration returning. “I just – I just need answers! I don’t understand anything anymore. I don’t understand why you chose Victor’s fate to end the way it was going to. I don’t understand why I’m changing or what is happening to me. I don’t know why I made my choice and why I continue to not know why. I just – I just need answers.”

The Universe held their stare. “There is something you have forgotten.”

Yuuri blinked. He didn’t see how that mattered at all to the conversation. He frowned and said, “I don’t think I forgot to mention anything.”

“From your past, Death,” The Universe corrected. “You have forgotten.”

Yuuri blinked rapidly, silent as he stared at the Universe. “W-what do you mean I’ve forgotten something?” He didn’t know how to react. He couldn’t have forgotten anything. It was only minor things that slipped from his mind, things that were irrelevant to him. “What have I forgotten?”

“I can’t answer that for you,” The Universe said. “That is the –”

“Lesson, yes. I know,” Yuuri sighed. He knew asking was nothing but a dead end. When the Universe planned a lesson for Yuuri, they stayed true to teaching him with little to no help. And Yuuri still never understood why the Universe never just told him things. It would make his existence go so much smoother. But Yuuri still asked questions, because it was the only way he could think to respond. “So, this thing I have forgotten… will it help me find an answer?”

“You will find your answer to the rest of your questions once you have remembered,” The Universe said, confirming Yuuri’s question. “I am only trying to help you discover this by yourself. As I said, I cannot help you with everything.”

“But… you used to,” Yuuri sulked, almost like a child. The Universe used to help him once. It was long ago, back when he had not long been created.

“Yes, well. You have been acting like a child. You need to learn.” Yuuri felt a slight discomfort at those words. It reminded him much like a father. Yuuri didn’t see the Universe like a father.

Yuuri decided to ignore it. “I just – I have to ask this,” Yuuri said, needing to change the subject. He needed to know. If the Universe wouldn’t answer his question about his change, then perhaps they may answer Yuuri’s questions about Victor. “You set a consequence to end Victor’s career, but you’re prolonging it. Why are you prolonging Victor’s career?”

“Why are you prolonging his death?”

Yuuri paused. “My reason is that I don’t know,” He answered. “Is that the same for you?”

“I always know my actions. Every action I make has a reason,” The Universe answered.

“And I assume I will know once I’ve remembered whatever I have forgotten?” Yuuri asked.

“And what you need to discover.”

Yuuri sighed. He needed to remember whatever he had forgotten, and discover why he has changed. It sounded simple, but it didn’t feel it. Yuuri crossed his arms and he felt a slight sting against his arm. He glanced down to stare at the scars along his arm. They still hurt every so often, but they were mostly healed. Yuuri then frowned, his mind thinking back to the demon. He stared up, meeting the Universes void-filled eyes, and Yuuri needed to ask.

“Did you send that demon to punish me?” He hoped for a no. He really hoped it wasn’t a punishment.

“No. I do not lower myself to that kind of punishment,” The Universe said and Yuuri sighed with relief. “You have been absent from the spirit world more often than usual. Surely you must have known a demon would appear at some point.”

“I can’t say I expected it…” Yuuri answered truthfully. He didn’t expect it at all. He thought he had more control of the afterlife. “I just don’t understand why it chose not to move on.”

“Well, sometimes, we make a choice we do not understand,” The Universe replied. “You must know that.”

Yuuri was taken back by the response, startled by the truth behind it. But it was the response that had Yuuri think. “What are you trying to say?” He asked. “Are you saying that the demon didn’t know why it made its choice to stay?”

The Universe shook their head as they moved forward, stopping when they stood face to face with Yuuri. Yuuri met the lifeless stare of the Universe, refusing to look away. “I will give you something to think about,” The Universe spoke and Yuuri listened. “The human that turned into a demon, their soul made a choice. It chose to ignore you, knowing that you were there to guide it. That soul then saw something that hurt, and that soul became a demon. It made the choice to ignore you. Now tell me, why do you think it chose to ignore you?”

“Because it didn’t want to move on,” Yuuri answered.

“And why did that demon kill a soul?”

They only ever had one reason. “Because it thirsts for life.”

The Universes stare was cold and blank. Even when the spirit they possessed smiled – the weak turn of their lips curling from one side to another – it held no sense of humanity. It was supposed to be a kind gesture, but it gave Yuuri a fright. Their smile then dropped, falling to a blank frown as the Universe said, “If that demon knows why it made those choices, then why do you, Death, not know why you made your own?”

Yuuri blinked. “Are you saying I wanted something?”

“Perhaps,” The Universe turned, walking back to the window, facing the world that sat outside. “Maybe you are searching for something too. But that is for you to discover.”

“Wait –”

But in a blink of an eye, the Universe had vanished, along with the soul and spirit it had possessed. The room fell into a thick silence, uncomfortable even to the ears of Death. Yuuri could only sigh, a new heavy burden now weighed on his shoulders. He hadn’t gotten anything answered, he had only gotten more confused. But he had learned something.

He had learned three things. He needed to learn why he had changed, what he had forgotten, and what he was searching for.

Those three things he had to learn, the three lessons the Universe was trying to teach him, Yuuri wondered if he would ever figure them out. But he felt determined to try. He didn’t want to give up, to have his confusion remain until he could no longer take it. He was going to find the answers.

His change Yuuri could easily pinpoint it to Victor. The moment he laid eyes on Victor, Yuuri felt a change. He felt new emotions and feelings, things he never felt until he saw Victor. Victor was the reason he had changed, but that was not the answer to the question. Victor didn’t cause Yuuri to act recklessly and change his fate. Victor didn’t force Yuuri to stay with him or to force him to explore his new emotions. Those were all Yuuri’s choices. And whatever had caused his change – whatever caused him to make those choices, was what he needed to learn.

He could come close to finding that answer. He felt he was nearly there, now he really thought about it.

But trying to remember what he had forgotten, that was a challenge Yuuri was ready to face. How he would remember what he once forgot, he did not know. But it didn’t stop him from feeling determined to at least try and remember. And Yuuri had a thought. He didn’t know what he was searching for, but perhaps it was what he had forgotten. He didn’t know, but whatever it was, he wanted to find it.

It was so much to think about and all Yuuri wanted to do was to get back to Victor’s side. He turned, returning back to their room and with Victor. His arm curled around Victor’s waist and Victor glanced over his shoulder, looking at Yuuri through tired eyes for only a second before he turned around to face Yuuri. His arms circled around Yuuri, bringing him close.

“Hmm, Yuuri,” Victor mumbled against the pillow; his voice heavy with sleep and his accent strong. “Where did you go?”

Yuuri thought up of a lie, and he spoke before he realized he had even came up with one. “I was just getting a glass of water,” He spoke and felt rather pleased with himself coming up with a decent lie. “Go back to sleep.”

Victor made another mumbled sound which wasn’t words before his breathing deepened and his body relaxed. Yuuri pressed his ear to Victor’s chest, listening to the comforting beat of his heart. Whatever he had forgotten, whatever he needed to find or why he had changed, he hoped it would never take away this.

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri’s cuts had practically healed before the week had ended. And Victor was very happy with the recovery, but he still refused to return to the rink. Yuuri had told him that he was fine and that Victor shouldn’t miss practice because of him, but Victor had wanted to take advantage of the couple days he had away from the rink.

“I won’t lie,” Victor said to Yuuri as they were munching through their breakfast early one morning. “It’s been nice having time away from skating. I do miss it, but it feels nice to just… take a break.”

Yuuri didn’t reply. He only smiled. If he were to reply, he would suggest to Victor that retiring could make him feel nicer for longer than a week. But he didn’t, and he couldn’t. So Yuuri kept his lips sealed and continued to eat his food.

Since the night of the Universes appearance, Yuuri found himself thinking more than usual. Beforehand, he would always do his thinking while Victor was asleep. He felt at peace at that time of night. The serenity of night seemed to ease his mind and help him think. He couldn’t see the spirit world either. His worries seemed non-existent.

But recently he found himself staring off into the distance, deep in thought when he wasn’t spoken to. He would lose his train of thought because he had an idea on what he might have forgotten. He couldn’t rest his mind from trying to figure out the answers. It was becoming more than just a minor inconvenience.

He knew he was changing and that he had changed. He knew he was feeling more and experiencing different emotions that seemed so alien to him before. It was something that was impossible for Yuuri to ignore. His change was clear, but his reason wasn’t. The main thing that stumped him was why his change caused him to feel disconnected with the Universe. He knew he wasn’t turning into a human. That was confirmed. But it only made Yuuri even more confused.

It wasn’t the only thing on his mind. He struggled to think what he could possibly be forgetting. He was certain he remembered every big event in his lifetime. He could never forget. He thought back to every big event, every choice and action that he could think of, but it didn’t help him remember.

He was certain that whatever he had forgotten was what he was unknowingly searching for. He wasn’t aware that he was searching for something, but he wondered if that was why he had chosen to adventure further into his newfound emotions. He wondered if he was searching for answers of a memory he had once forgotten. He didn’t know how to bring back a memory long lost in his mind. He held no abilities to help him with that. He only served the dead, not search through his own mind for forgotten answers. He didn’t know what to do.

But he did know something he could do. It wouldn’t answer all of his questions, but he felt confident enough that it may help him ease his mind. He did what he promised Victor he would do. He would communicate with him. If he couldn’t come up with his own reason, he would ask Victor, who might have an idea on what to do.

It was late in the evening. Yuuri had declared he wanted to go to sleep early. He didn’t sleep of course, but he wanted to lay his head down and ease his thoughts. He was going to ask Victor what to do about his problem and he wanted to find the right words to explain it without explaining the situation. Victor had joined him not long after, but neither slept until later in the night.

Yuuri kept his eyes closed, trying to think of how to begin his sentence. But the light brushing of Victor’s hand through his hair was rather distracting. Yuuri opened his eyes and glanced up at Victor, glancing between Victor and his book in his hand. He wondered how Victor wasn’t distracted from reading like how he was from his thinking.

He felt Victor stop running his hand through his hair. Victor glanced down for a moment before putting his book to the side. Yuuri sat up and Victor glanced back at him, a brow raised with question. “Are you okay, Yuuri?” Victor asked.

Yuuri sighed. It was now or never. “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course, you can,” Victor said as he shifted to his side, facing Yuuri. “Is everything okay?”

Yuuri couldn’t say that everything was okay. “I’m just… unsure about something,” He said. Victor raised a brow and waited for Yuuri to continue. Yuuri had to pause for a moment, trying to work out how to word it without mentioning the Universe. “Well… Let’s say you forgot something. What would you do to try and remember it?”

Victor’s brows dropped as he thought hard, his finger pressed to his lips as his mind trying to piece together the clues to a question. He then raised his finger, his face brightening up as he found an answer and bared a heart-shaped smile as he said, “I’d retrace my steps!”

It was much easier said than done. Yuuri would have to go back centuries if he were to retrace his steps. But with the constant change of the Universe, it was impossible. It was a good suggestion, but impossible. “I can’t do that,” Yuuri shook his head. “I have no way of being able to do that. I wouldn’t even know where to begin.”

Victor then returned to his mind momentarily before asking, “Can I ask why you’re asking me this?”

Yuuri met his eyes. “You can ask, but I can’t answer.”

“Is this one of your secrets?” Victor then asked. Yuuri pressed his lips together as he nodded. He was beginning to really dislike keeping it from Victor, but it wasn’t time yet. Victor sighed heavily before asking, “I will definitely know these secrets one day, yes?”

Yuuri didn’t doubt it anymore. He knew he would tell Victor he was Death one day. That day wasn’t now. Soon, maybe, but not now. He had debated for a while to keep it from Victor for years, until he is unable to lie to him any longer, but he couldn’t do that. He knew he was going to spend a long time with Victor, so he would have to tell him one day. And the possibility of him continuing to hide his secret forever was practically impossible.

As Yuuri nodded, Victor let out a long sigh of relief. Yuuri didn’t realize it had Victor worry so much and he didn’t like that. “I don’t mean to make you worry,” Yuuri said, “I will let you know. Just not today.”

Victor smiled before leaning forward, kissing Yuuri’s lips. Yuuri returned the touch and as he smiled back, Victor murmured, “It’ll come to you.”

Yuuri blinked. “What?”

“What you have forgotten,” He said, resting back against the pillow. “It’ll come to you. It’s somewhere in your mind, so something or someone will remind you what you have forgotten. You just have to wait.”

Yuuri thought about it. Victor did have a good point. If it was somewhere in his mind then  _something_  had to be a reminder that he had forgotten something. He didn’t know what could be his reminder, but something had to. And at that time, it was his only option left. Nothing else would work and he had no other ideas. He had to wait for his reminder and someday, he will remember.

It wasn’t the answer he was hoping for, but Victor helped him more than he could help himself. “Thank you,” Yuuri said with a warm smile to his lips.

And Victor smiled back and something in Yuuri’s mind caught attention to Victor’s lips. He couldn’t stop looking at them. They were so smooth and soft, warm to feel against his own lips and Yuuri wondered what they would feel like over his body and around areas he thought someone would never go near. The more Yuuri had those thoughts, he found himself with a need, one which Victor could help him with.

He wrapped his arms around Victor’s neck, kissing him on the neck while his hand ventured through Victor’s hair. He loved the feeling of Victor’s hair, his soft strands through his fingers. And without realizing, he found himself on Victor’s lap. Yuuri’s mind went into autopilot as he moved forward, kissing Victor’s lips with demand and passion. It blurred into another, one kiss after another.

Victor’s hands pressed against his back wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough to satisfy the growing need he felt inside. His hands curled around Victor’s wrists, moving them, encouraging Victor to touch him, to explore the curves and contour of his body. He kissed Victor again, long and sweet as he spoke against Victor’s lips, “Touch me.”

Victor pulled back, eyes wide with surprise. Yuuri wanted to feel Victor’s touch. He wanted to feel his warm, soft hands over his skin. Victor’s eyes jumped from Yuuri’s lips to his eyes as he asked, “Are you sure?” Yuuri blinked. He was certain. He was very certain. He nodded, and the sinful curve of Victor’s lip sent shivers down Yuuri’s spine. He leaned forward, coming close to Yuuri’s ear. “Tell me what you want.”

“Just – just touch me,” Yuuri breathed against Victor’s skin, his lips kissing Victor’s jawline. He heard the slight groan in the back of Victor’s throat and Yuuri smiled. “I - I just – I need to… I need to feel you. Show me something new.”

Victor breathed in a shaky breath before nodding. “Okay. I – I will. Just… Move off me for a moment,” Victor said and Yuuri moved, shifting off Victor’s lap and to the middle of the bed. Victor rearranged the pillows, piling them against the headboard to make a comfortable backrest. His eyes met Yuuri’s as he said, “Lean back against these.”

Yuuri did so, leaning back against the pillows. It was comfortable to lean against. He watched Victor closely, watching him as he moved to sit between Yuuri’s opened legs. Victor reached out, grabbing the hem of his underwear before pausing. He met Yuuri’s eye.

“Is this still okay?” He asked. Yuuri nodded. It was very okay. He wanted Victor to continue. Victor leaned forward, his lips coming close to Yuuri’s ear. Yuuri could feel his warm breath against his skin. Victor breathed as he whispered, “I’ll show you something new with my mouth. Is that okay?”

Yuuri’s breath hitched as he nodded. He felt excitement, a giddiness that made him want to smile and giggle. He felt ready to explore his own needs and his own sexuality. He wanted to learn what he liked and what he didn’t, and he wanted to learn it with Victor. He was ready to try more.

Yuuri lifted to let Victor pull his underwear off, dragging them down his legs until they were off completely. He threw them across the room, not caring where they landed. Victor crawled forward. His half-lidded eyes never left Yuuri as he laid on his stomach, in between Yuuri’s legs. His hand wrapped around Yuuri’s length and Yuuri’s breath hitched at the touch. It was new. He had never felt this before. And he liked how it felt.

He felt the warmth of Victor’s tongue drag across his length and Yuuri bit back his moan, hiding it behind his hand. He didn’t know why he felt he had to hide it. He pressed the back of his hand hard against his lips, forcing his noise of pleasure back as he started to quiver.

“Calm down, Yuuri,” Victor’s voice was soft and gentle. His free hand reached up to lace with Yuuri’s, slipping his fingers between Yuuri’s as he said, “Just relax. Let yourself go. I want to hear you.”

Yuuri took a deep breath and nodded, removing his hand from his lips. The other didn’t let go of Victor’s hand, even when he watched Victor’s lips parted and gently swallowed the head of Yuuri’s cock into his mouth.

Yuuri gasped, a light moan escaping his lips. He had never made a noise like that before. It sounded so lewd. He could feel Victor’s warm tongue circling around the head, slow and teasingly, until Yuuri let out a breathless, “ _Victor_ ,” and Victor ventured lower.

He breathed out a soft groan, watching as Victor took more of him into his mouth. He would sink lower then pull back with an agonizingly slow pull before repeating even further down. Yuuri shivered, his hand trembling as his grip tightened around Victor’s hand.

He unthinkingly laced his free hand through Victor’s hair, lightly pulling at his strands and the soft vibrations of Victor’s hum nearly sent Yuuri over the edge. He felt a desperate need to thrust his hips forward, but he fought the urge to. The warmth of Victor’s mouth around his length was intoxicating – stirring a desperate feeling deep within his gut for more.

Yuuri’s thighs tingled where Victor’s hand began to stroke. The gentle touch of his warm hand against Yuuri’s skin made him shiver. He had never felt anything so exhilarating. He was panting, desperate gasps of breath breaking free as he watched Victor drag his lips over Yuuri’s length, hollow his cheeks as he pulled back and Yuuri’s knees felt  _weak_.

He felt on edge. He was right there, the rousing tension inside ready to snap. Yuuri suspected Victor knew how close he was when he hummed, purposefully sending vibrations through Yuuri’s length. And the tension snapped. Yuuri’s hand tightened, tugging Victor’s hair before he shuddered. His head fell back as he gasped a loud moan, quivering with pleasure as he spilled his wet heat inside Victor’s mouth.

Victor kept his lips around circled Yuuri’s length as he pulled off, swallowing every drop. Yuuri laid back against the pillows, his limbs feeling boneless from his climax. He didn’t even notice Victor had helped him lie down until he felt the sheets drape over his body, keeping him warm. Victor then slipped under the sheets and lied beside Yuuri.

“Did you enjoy that?” Victor asked, a warm smile on his lips. Yuuri closed his eyes, exhaling a sigh of content as he smiled pleasingly, nodding his head.

“That was… amazing,” Yuuri breathed. Victor shifted closer, his arms circling around Yuuri’s waist and he tightened his grasp to pull Yuuri closer. Yuuri moved with him, curling to Victor’s side as they lie by each other, finding a pleasant warmth in each other’s company.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah boy, that conversation with the Universe, hey? Full of mysteries.  
> And SPICE!
> 
> Also, three things!  
> \- I have made a minor mistake regarding Victor's age. I maaaay have accidentally made him a year older than what he was supposed to be. SO, where he was 29 before, he should have been 28! I know it's not big but it's important in a few chapters. I honestly have no idea how or why I made that mistake, but let's just pretend I didn't, hey? C;  
> \- I’m not sure if I will get the next chapter up for Saturday, but I can say for certain it’ll be up Sunday! I have a comic con tomorrow and work the day after, so I’ll be a bit busy. But we shall see!  
> \- Mod Vitya from vikturificrec, ily <3 Thank you so much for recommending my fic!!


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we've hit over 100,000 words!!!!!

 

Victor’s first day of therapy came around and while Victor said he felt fine, Yuuri wasn’t too sure. He knew he was worrying too much, but Victor assured him that he would be okay. It wasn’t until Victor left that Yuuri’s worry really began to bother him.

He wanted to make sure Victor was okay. He needed to know how his first session goes and if his therapist was the right one for him. And Yuuri tried so hard not to be nosy. It wasn’t his place to intrude on Victor’s session, which was supposed to be private. So, he forced himself to be busy and saw a few spirits he had been neglecting to see.

He came back before Victor did. Victor came home emotionally drained and in need of taking a break from life, but he said he felt a little better. Yuuri was pleased and it eased his worry. Victor told him that although he hadn’t made sense of everything just yet, he felt better knowing he had a place to begin.

And Yuuri, he was so proud of Victor.

It wasn’t until Victor’s second session, two days later, that he really struggled to not be nosy. He couldn’t stop his worry. His mind wouldn’t stop thinking about how Victor was doing. He knew Victor was fine. He knew from his last session that he would be okay, but then Yuuri asked himself if he would be the same again, and he found himself in a constant loop.

He tried hard not to intrude because Victor deserved his privacy. So, Yuuri stayed put in their home. He was sat on the couch, arms crossed as he stared at the TV and waited for Victor to finish.

That lasted for half an hour before the annoying itch in the back of his mind kept on telling him to just check on Victor and see if he was okay. He decided he would only stay for five minutes. He would check to see if Victor was okay, see if the therapist was good for him, and then leave.

He found himself standing in what looked to be a sitting room. It felt warm and comforting. There was a couch where Victor sat, leaned back and leg shaking. A woman sat in a chair across from him, legs crossed with a notepad in hand, eyes focused on Victor. He assumed she was his therapist.

“Perhaps you were tired of winning?” The woman asked. Yuuri moved behind her, peering over her shoulder at her notebook. It had notes about Victor, and words describing him as her client, as well as her name. She was called Helen.

He glanced up as Victor was shaking his head. “No. It feels good when I win gold,” He then fell silent for a moment, his eyes downcast to the floor. “I think I started feeling depressed before my fifth win. That was when I started feeling uninspired. So it couldn’t be from winning.”

“I don’t accept ‘I think’ here, Victor. We can’t progress with ‘I think’,” Helen said and Victor glanced up, his shaking leg stopping in an instant. “Now tell me, there must be something else. There must be something you’re not telling yourself.”

Victor held his stare as his mind worked to think of a response. He then breathed in and said, “I know it started after my fifth win. I was confusing my inspiration for my depression.”

“Was your lack of inspiration what began everything?”

“No, it wasn’t,” Victor said, shaking his head. “It’s more. I felt uninspired. Then I felt I couldn’t surprise my audience. And then people started to talk, saying that I should retire. I could still skate. I still had my talent, but they didn’t care about that. At least, that’s what I think.”

Helen wrote in her notebook but Yuuri took no attention to that anymore. He had moved to sit beside Victor, wanting to be close to him. Helen then looked up and said, “And what about recently?”

“You mean about my inspiration?” He asked and Helen nodded. “It’s still gone. In fact, I’m worse now than I was before. My inspiration has gone and so has my skill. I’ve gotten third the past two competitions. It’s not unheard of for me to get third, but it’s different. I feel like I’ve changed. I feel – I feel like I wasn’t who I was supposed to be.”

Helen raised a brow. “And who is that?”

“Living legend, Victor Nikiforov.”

“Then who are you now?”

Victor gave a careless shrug. “Just Victor.”

“And is that a bad thing?” Helen asked. Victor shifted in his seat, turning his gaze away. “Is it bad that you’re ‘just Victor’?”

Victor didn’t reply immediately. “I mean… Victor’s not great,” He said, glancing up to meet Helen’s stare. “Victor’s boring. Victor can’t surprise an audience. Hell, Victor can’t even skate. Victor’s just… normal. He’s nothing special.”

Helen hummed to herself as she wrote something in her notepad. “Alright Victor, I believe I have a major goal for you to accomplish.”

“What is it?” Victor asked.

“Learning to accept who you are,” Helen spoke. Victor scoffed as he turned away, crossing his arms. Helen sighed. “I believe you’ve developed a false identity of yourself.”

Victor’s head shot back to Helen, brows dropped with confusion. “W-what do you mean?” Yuuri was curious too. He sat forward, paying close attention to Helen.

“You said it yourself. You don’t feel like who you were supposed to be, who you said was living legend Victor Nikiforov. You just feel like Victor now. It sounds to me as if you’ve created an identity that you’ve lived by for a while now,” Helen spoke. Victor’s expression didn’t falter. “You need to learn how to separate yourself from that false identity. You need to accept who you truly are.”

“You mean a nobody?” Victor spat and Yuuri stared at Victor, shocked by his response. “You – you mean somebody who can’t skate, somebody who can’t surprise anyone, somebody who’s worthless and has no idea what to do without their career? You want me to accept _that_?”

“Yes,” Helen nodded without a hint of hesitation. “Right there, you just told me why you’ve created that identity.”

Victor’s hands dropped to his lap. “I did?”

Helen nodded again. “You have no idea what to do without your career. You said that yourself. I believe that it’s an obstacle you need to overcome,” She then paused to write in her notepad. “Because, Victor, one day you will have to retire. You can’t skate forever. I would like for you to try and accept who you are outside of skating. It will make your retirement easier.”

Victor breathed in a shaky breath. “I – I guess,” He murmured. “It’s hard when everybody in my life is there because they’re either a competitor or my coach. I can’t seem to escape it.”

Helen glanced up from her notepad. “Then that shall be our minor goal,” She said, writing in her book again. “It’s an easy one. I want you to find somebody who you can talk to who isn’t in your life because of your skating.”

Victor started biting his lip. He tapped his finger against his knee, silent as he thought to himself. “I do have someone.”

Helen smiled. “See, we’ve already achieved something today,” She spoke, her voice kind and light. “If you don’t mind me asking, who is this?”

“It’s Yuuri,” Victor said, a small smile stretched across his lips. Yuuri’s breath hitched at his own name. His cheeks suddenly became warm and he pressed his hands to them, trying to ease the heat.

“And who is Yuuri to you?” Helen asked.

“He’s my lover… well, he’s not. But we… we’re together,” Victor paused, thinking. Yuuri wanted to laugh at Victor’s explanation. “We’re together but we don’t call each other lovers. Not yet, anyway.”

“And why is that?” Helen asked curiously. “Are you afraid of commitment?”

“I was at first,” Victor said. Yuuri took a moment to process what Victor had said. He was afraid to commit to Yuuri when they first met. Yuuri didn’t know how he felt about that. His feeling was neither positive or negative. He just felt strange.

“What changed that?”

“He did,” Victor answered and Yuuri couldn’t turn his gaze away. “He – he stayed with me. I know I asked him to do that when we first met, but honestly, I – I didn’t expect him to actually stay. He’s the first person to have done that. Nobody else has ever stayed. Not like Yuuri did.”

“He gave you a new perspective on a relationship?” Helen asked and Victor nodded. “I must ask, but how long have you two been together for?”

Victor paused to think. “Two months now.” Yuuri was startled. It really hadn’t felt like two months.

“And you haven’t called each other lovers yet?” Helen asked, head tilted to the side with curiosity.

“No. I’m letting Yuuri make that call,” Victor explained. “I’m not very good at reading myself. I thought I was ready to call us lovers but when I asked him I had drinks and I was desperate for touch. I called it at the wrong time. But he knew that. He knew I wasn’t in the right mind to make that call, so I’m giving him the choice.”

“You seem very certain of Yuuri’s choices,” She said.

Victor nodded. “I am. I trust him.” And Yuuri smiled wide, his hand to his chest.

“It’s good that you trust him. It’s very important.” Helen said, smiling. “You seem very certain of him, but you don’t seem certain of yourself.”

Victor blinked. “What do you mean?”

“As you said, you’re not good at reading yourself. This all falls back to your false identity,” Helen then paused to write in her notepad once again. She then glanced up and said, “I would like to discuss that in your next session as we are out of time.”

“Oh,” Victor glanced up at the clock hanging on the wall. Yuuri did too. He hadn’t realized he stayed the longer than planned. “Our next session is on Tuesday, yes?”

Helen nodded. Victor swallowed hard and stood to his feet but Helen’s raised hand made him pause. “Before you go, I would like to say one thing.”

Victor stared at her as he sat back down. “Yes?”

“Next Tuesday, I would like for you to bring Yuuri in with you,” She said. Yuuri and Victor shared the same reaction: wide eyed and stunned. “I would like to speak with the two of you. From what I can tell, he seems to be a major part of your life. I want to ensure that he can help you too.”

“He’s helped me in so many ways,” Victor said. “I can guarantee you that.”

Helen hummed. “Then perhaps we can help you reach your goal sooner than you’d think.”

Yuuri left after that. He didn’t need to be there any longer. He had overstayed his welcome, but he did leave knowing more than he did before.

He didn’t pay as much attention to Helen as he originally wanted to do, but he could tell her techniques were something that Victor could work with. She was confident in herself. She knew exactly what to say and how to say it. She could also read Victor and found ways to help him. She was good, and Yuuri was glad Victor was seeing her. He wanted to try and help Victor himself, but he could only do so much before his inexperience with his human knowledge got in the way. He was going to leave it to Helen, the professional, to help Victor in the ways that he couldn’t.

He waited for Victor to come back home. Yuuri saw his soul before he saw Victor, and Yuuri smiled when he did. But then it dropped. Victor’s soul was a little lower than usual. It wasn’t how it was before and Yuuri feared the worst. He thought that Helen had helped Victor.

As Victor walked inside, he kicked off his shoes, dropped his bag to the floor and strode into the living room. Yuuri watched him as he laid beside Yuuri, curling up to him on the couch. He grabbed the remote, flicking through different programs. Victor didn’t say a word.

Yuuri then asked Victor how his session went, wondering if that was the reason why Victor was low. But Victor answered what Yuuri already knew. He even had to act surprised when Victor told him that Helen wanted to speak with him. Victor then asked how Yuuri’s day was and Yuuri replied that he didn’t do much, and then they fell into a silence.

And Yuuri wondered what had caused Victor’s soul to go low. It didn’t shine as brightly as usual – it didn’t fight as much as before. And Yuuri had to ask. He had to find out.

“Are you okay?” Yuuri asked. Victor turned his head, staring up at Yuuri with his brows dropped.

“Yes,” He said. “Why do you ask?”

Yuuri didn’t know how to explain why he asked. He couldn’t say it was because of his soul, that would have led to questions Yuuri didn’t want to answer just yet. Instead, he said the first thing that came to mind. “You just seem a little low.” And Yuuri mentally congratulated himself for getting better at thinking on the spot.

Victor pressed his lips together and sighed through his nose. “I’m alright,” He said, giving a weak smile that Yuuri saw straight through. “Today’s session was just… eye opening.”

Yuuri knew that. It wasn’t just from him being nosy during Victor’s therapy session, but Victor had also told Yuuri about Helen suggesting Victor developed a false identity of himself. Victor had already expressed that, but Yuuri didn’t think that was the cause of his soul being so low. There was something else.

“I can imagine,” Yuuri said, sympathizing with Victor. “But you usually seem to be alright after sessions. Are you sure it’s just from today’s session?”

Victor let out a single laugh, it sounded more like a light huff than a laugh, but the faint smile on Victor’s face let Yuuri know he wasn’t angry. Victor shook his head to himself as he said, “I’m just having a bad day, Yuuri.”

Yuuri blinked. “Why didn’t you say so?” He said, moving to get up. Victor sat up as Yuuri got to his feet, but he stopped when he felt Victor’s hand around his arm. Yuuri glanced back at Victor, brow raised.

“Yuuri, sit down,” And Yuuri did. Victor’s hand pressed to Yuuri’s shoulder, encouraging him to sit back. Yuuri laid back as Victor’s arms wrap around his torso, hugging him close. Yuuri’s circled around him, his hand to Victor’s back and his other brushing through Victor’s hair. Yuuri breathed Victor in, wanting to stay close to him for longer, keeping him in his safe embrace.

   

Victor took a deep breath of content before he said, “I just feel low today. There is no reason. I just do.”

Yuuri didn’t realize. He knew some days Victor’s soul would look worse than it did now. Those days, Victor would spend in bed, hiding from the world. But this was different to those days. Victor was like he was on his good days, but with a low soul. It was strange to Yuuri. It just had him confused.

“Oh,” Yuuri said because that was all he could say. He didn’t know what to ask. “I didn’t know.”

“It’s okay, Yuuri,” Victor murmured, but Yuuri could still hear the smile in his face. Victor then sighed as he said, “Sometimes I don’t have a reason for being sad. It just happens.”

“I wish I could make you feel better.” It was all Yuuri wished for.

Victor hummed behind his smile and raised his head, moving forward to press a light kiss to Yuuri’s lips. “You’ve done more than you think, Yuuri,” Victor spoke and Yuuri couldn’t stop himself from kissing Victor too. It made his chest swell – light and warm.

And that night, both had a desperate need for touch. It was one of those nights where Yuuri’s mind became hazed with a need to fulfill the feeling that sat in the pit of his gut. They lie face to face, hand around each other’s lengths and breaths lingering along their skin between soft but needy kisses. It was a need that only Victor could satisfy.

Yuuri thought a lot about that need, especially during the night while Victor slept. It was the only time he felt enough peace to find his mind wandering, thinking of things he never had once before. That night he thought about him and Victor and where they were heading in their relationship.

Yuuri was going to make the call soon. Victor’s soul had made progress, improving more by the day and Yuuri had said to himself he would make that call once it does. He wanted to wait just a little longer. He wanted to wait to see if therapy helps his soul at all. Once he sees the change, he will ask Victor if they will be lovers. He has made that choice, and he wants to stick to it.

Then Yuuri wondered how far they would go once they do become lovers. While they did touch each other in ways lovers do, they hadn’t had sex. And if Yuuri was honest, he didn’t want to have sex until they were lovers. It wasn’t that he was being prude. He didn’t feel it was right to do it just yet.

Sex was still something that Yuuri didn’t care for. If he and Victor never had sex, he wouldn’t mind. As long as he was with Victor, that was all that mattered. He still didn’t yearn for sex as strongly as Victor does, but he has found himself wanting to explore more. He found himself not wanting to satisfy his needs through his own hands or somebody else’s, but only from Victor’s.

If Yuuri could say what he was attracted to, or who he found sexually pleasing, he would say Victor. Victor was his attraction – his sexuality.

He turned, his eyes falling on Victor’s sleeping form in the dark. His hand twitched, hesitating to move but Yuuri gave in. He traced Victor’s lip lightly with the tip of his finger. Yuuri resisted the urge to kiss him, to pull him close and listen to his gentle breathing. His lips were soft beneath Yuuri’s finger, like silk, and Yuuri wanted to remember how they felt against his own.

The more Yuuri took in the memory of Victor, the more he found himself fixating on as much detail as he could. The gentle and soft curve of his smile that replicated a heart in his happiest moments. The flaws in his skin from tiny scars to faint freckles, which all seemed nothing but flawless to Yuuri. The memories he shared with Victor, from Victor’s happiest moments where his laugh was music, to his saddest, where his soul hurt as much as Yuuri’s did. And Yuuri sometimes looked back and wondered if he could have ever stopped himself from saving Victor that night.

But Yuuri knew he couldn’t. Yuuri had lived long enough to know that what he and Victor share cannot be replicated with another.

Yuuri had never met somebody who had changed him like Victor had. Victor never left his mind; he was always there. He felt things he had never felt before and explored more than he ever imagined. And Yuuri still couldn’t figure out what it was that he was feeling.

It was strange. It was a warmth that stretched throughout his whole body. And sometimes it overwhelmed him, yet it made him feel safe. It made him feel like he had a heart dancing around in his chest and filling a hole he was never aware of. It makes him feel light, as if he was floating.

The more Yuuri thought about it, the stranger it became. It was the way it made him and Victor go from complete strangers to being completely infatuated by one another. It was how it made Yuuri feel something for the first time in his existence, making him feel whole and… alive. It was helping him develop a sexuality – a need.

Yuuri then asked himself a question. Was that feeling what caused him to change?

And whatever _it_ was, Yuuri needed to discover it.

 

* * *

 

 

“It’s been a while since I’ve seen you here,” Yuuri skidded to a stop, turning to see Yuko at the side of the rink. When Yuuri glanced at her, she smiled and waved. “You’ve gotten better.”

Yuuri still visited the rink every so often. He didn’t find much time in between Victor competing, but now he had a few months to spare, Yuuri had more time. He shrugged before skating towards Yuko with far more ease than the last time she saw him. “I’ve been getting in some practice. I can skate without falling over now.”

Yuko smiled wide. “I’m glad!” She said before asking, “Has this helped you at all? To understand Victor the way you wanted to?”

If Yuuri was being completely honest, it didn’t. Yuuri scratched the back of his head, an awkward laugh escaped as he said, “That’s actually why I came here today.” He skated off the rink and to the side, moving to sit on the bleachers. Yuko came over, sitting down next to him. “What Victor sees in skating is something I don’t think I will ever understand.”

“You’re not at a figure skating level yet. I don’t think you would understand until you can do jumps,” Yuko spoke. Yuuri only sighed. “Are you giving up?”

“I’m not giving up,” Yuuri answered fast, shaking his head. “I need to… rethink why I want to learn to skate. I really do want to understand him, but I don’t think teaching myself to skate will help me find that answer.”

Yuko nudged his side, getting Yuuri to look up as she smiled. “I’m pleased that you’re trying,” She said. “So, what are you thinking?”

Yuuri hummed. He hadn’t really thought it through. “Well, I’m going to continue to skate when I can. And try and teach myself how to do the very basics. I think I’ll just leave it there,” He then paused. “But to really try and understand Victor, I need to… Maybe I should skate with him?”

Yuko brightened up, “Oh! That would be very romantic!” She pressed her hands to her heart, smiling fondly to herself. “You could make up a routine for him!”

Yuuri blinked, startled by the suggestion. If Yuuri made a routine for Victor, one that Yuuri could skate alongside him, he wondered how Victor would react. It seemed romantic, as Yuko said. And the idea that he was learning to skate to try and understand Victor, he hoped it would help his soul to heal.

But then with the fall of Victor’s career, he wondered if learning to skate was appropriate. Yuuri was the only one in his life who wasn’t there from skating, and while Yuuri wanted to keep it like that, he didn’t want to remind Victor of his career when it did fall.

Then Yuuri thought about it some more. Victor’s skating was a major part of his life. It was all he knew for years, long before Yuuri even knew Victor existed. And Yuuri wondered to himself if Victor’s career did fall and Yuuri skated for him – skated with him, would Victor appreciate it? Would Victor feel like he could enjoy what he once only knew if he did it with Yuuri?

Yuuri sighed heavily, shrugging in response. He didn’t enjoy not knowing what to do. It bothered him. He then thought if he did do what Yuko suggested and he did skate with Victor, perhaps he could let Victor see it as something other than a job. Maybe he could get Victor to enjoy it, even if he couldn’t skate.

But Yuuri doubted the thought. “I’ll think about that,” Yuuri answered. “I don’t think I can understand skating like he does. I’ll see when I learn more, but at the moment, I’m not sure what I can do to understand him.”

“Even if it doesn’t work, I’m sure he would appreciate how much you tried,” Yuko said before getting to her feet. “I hope it works out for you. I’ll see you soon?”

Yuuri nodded. “I’ll visit soon,” and Yuko left, leaving Yuuri with a lot to think about.

 

* * *

 

 

The day that Makkachin moved on was the day that Victor’s soul shined the brightest.

There wasn’t any particular reason why Victor’s soul was brighter that day. He just woke up with a smile on his face and a soul that bared happiness, and Makkachin knew it was time that she left.

But Makkachin didn’t leave without saying goodbye.

It was early in the morning. The birds had not long started their morning chirps, waking up along with the sun. Yuuri always took enjoyment in listening to the bird’s songs. They eased his mind, calming him into serenity.

Victor was already awake and in the kitchen cooking himself and Yuuri breakfast. Yuuri didn’t want to get up just yet. He enjoyed the warmth and softness of the comforter. It was roughly when Yuuri contemplated getting up that Makkachin made her presence known. Yuuri could feel her aura – her spirit awakening as she made herself known.

Yuuri opened his eyes and moved to sit up. He glanced down at the end of the bed. She rested her head against the comforter as she and Yuuri found themselves in a staring match. She tilted her head to the side, as if she was trying to work something out. Yuuri didn’t know how to communicate with animals too well, but he knew enough to pat the side of the bed, offering her to join them.

And she did. She jumped up and laid down beside Yuuri, resting her head on Yuuri’s leg as she closed her eyes. Yuuri stroked his hand through her fur. It wasn’t warm but it was neither cold. She was a spirit. They had no heat to them. But her fur was still soft against his fingers.

“Do you want to say goodbye?” Yuuri asked and Makkachin raised her head, letting out a soft _boof_ in response. Yuuri smiled and scratched behind her ear. “Just wait until tonight. I’ll let you give Victor a proper goodbye.”

It wasn’t something Yuuri always did. He only did that for special occasions, and this was special.

Yuuri got out of bed and made his way into the kitchen, Makkachin following him close behind. Victor turned when he heard Yuuri and bared a heart-shaped smile, stepping forward as he pulled Yuuri into an embrace. This was the happiest Yuuri had seen Victor in a long time. His soul was shined brighter against the cracks, almost enough to hide the faded sorrow that surrounded it. His soul was warm and pleasing to gaze upon as happiness and joy radiated from it. It was one of Victor’s happy days, ones where he felt he could take on the world.

And this was what Yuuri wanted to see.

“Oh, my Yuuri,” Victor squeezed tight, suffocating Yuuri in the embrace. He pulled back only to press multiple kisses over Yuuri’s face. And Yuuri laughed, taking enjoyment in Victor’s happiness.

“You’re very happy today,” Yuuri mentioned. Victor paused his kissing to lean back. His hand brushed through Yuuri’s hair as he smiled fondly, his eyes and soul shining brightly.

“I feel good today,” Victor said, his smile didn’t falter. “I just – I just feel really good. I want to take advantage of today.”

Yuuri was so pleased. Victor was having a good day and even Makkachin knew that too. The companion was barking, bouncing around Victor’s legs with happiness. Yuuri wished Victor could see Makkachin. He wished Victor could talk to her one more time. But Yuuri couldn’t show Victor her now. He didn’t know how Victor would react.

He still remembered the day she passed on. Victor grieved for so long. The loss of his companion hit him hard, hurting his soul in a way that could probably never heal. But then Yuuri wondered if showing Victor Makkachin could heal that part of Victor’s soul, and help him fill the part that left a scar behind.

He wouldn’t know until tonight when Yuuri will let Makkachin say a proper goodbye.

And the day went by smoothly. Victor went to practice and came home with a smile still on his face. He told Yuuri that although he didn’t have a good day skating, he didn’t feel so horrible about himself, that he was able to shrug off his mistakes for once and try to continue his routine. And although this was a day where Victor felt happy, Yuuri hoped that this would continue. He knew Victor had his good days and his bad days, and he hoped that today was the start of an endless stream of good days.

Makkachin had stayed by Victor’s side the entire day. She was around his feet all morning while the two were eating breakfast and getting themselves ready for the day. When Victor left for practice, Makkachin left with him. When Victor returned from practice, he had Makkachin bouncing along behind him. The sight was heart-warming. Yuuri wished he could have met the companion when she was alive.

And that night when the two settled down to sleep, Makkachin jumped up on the comforter and laid by Victor’s side. And Victor, instead of turning to Yuuri in his sleep, subconsciously turned to Makkachin’s side instead. He curled up to the ghost of Makkachin without even knowing.

It was later in the night and Yuuri knew for certain that Victor was fast asleep. The calm rise and fall of his chest, as well as the light snores, let Yuuri know he was not going to wake up soon. Yuuri glanced at Makkachin, who raised her head to look back as Yuuri whispered, “Are you ready to say goodbye?”

The companion barked and Yuuri patted in front of him, asking her to come over. She moved to lie in front of Yuuri. Victor then turned in his sleep, rolling to face both Yuuri and Makkachin. Yuuri stared between the two and breathed. He didn’t do this often. It was very rare he did this, but Victor was worth it.

Yuuri weaved his hand through Victor’s hair, keeping it there as he ran his other through Makkachin’s fur. He then closed his eyes and breathed. He breathed and searched for Makkachin’s small soul that still rested somewhere in her spirit body. The moment he felt her soul touch his skin, her happy, warm soul, he connected their souls.

And Yuuri could feel their energy coming together, merging with one another as Yuuri let Makkachin inside Victor’s consciousness. He could feel small amounts of Makkachin’s energy inside Victor’s mind, adventuring through his memories and dreams. Yuuri helped her look, finding where Victor dreamed, where his mind created vivid scenarios and thoughts that constructed his dreams.

Makkachin visited Victor in his dreams that night, saying a final goodbye to Victor. And Yuuri could feel Victor’s soul grieving for his lost companion once again. His soul ached the loss and Yuuri could feel against his own. But it felt different. It wasn’t the grieving Yuuri remembered Victor going through. It felt less painful, more accepting.

Victor’s soul was healing what was once broken. Yuuri could feel that part come into view. He could feel Victor’s grieving and sadness, but the acceptance began to sweep in. His acceptance covered the scar like a bandage, securing it until it healed. Yuuri could feel Victor accepting it was time to move on, that Makkachin would be happy in another life with another owner. But her dedication for Victor was forever. She would miss Victor, and Victor would miss her too.

And when Yuuri opened his eyes, there was a light breeze in the air. It was warm and inviting, sending the room into a sense of peace. He opened his eyes and glanced down, finding where the companion once laid to be bare, empty from any spirit sitting in front of him. Yuuri turned to Victor, removing his hand from Victor’s hair. His eyes then blinked open.

Victor sat up and scanned the room. He then turned to Yuuri and that was when Yuuri noticed the tears that fell down his cheeks. He pressed his hand to his mouth, stifling his cries as he fell into Yuuri, wrapping his arms around him as he cried against him. And Yuuri held onto him because he knew Victor was going to grieve again. He knew Victor had to say goodbye to his companion, and he wanted Victor to know that it was okay.

When Victor’s cries had settled down, he pulled back to wipe his tears away. He sniffed hard as he said, “I-I’m sorry. I just – I had a dream.”

Yuuri knew the dream, but he didn’t know what had happened. And he wanted to ask. “What happened in your dream?”

Victor met Yuuri’s eyes. He breathed in a shaky breath. “I dreamed of Makkachin, my dog,” Victor said and Yuuri stayed quiet, listening. “I saw her in my dream. She just – just came over and… I don’t know. It was strange. The last I saw her was when she… when she died. And this dream, it felt like she was saying goodbye. It felt like she was ready to move on. I – I’m probably going crazy. But it felt… real. And – and I felt like she was with me all day. I don’t know. It just felt like someone was there, and that it was her. Am I crazy?”

“Not one bit,” Yuuri said with a smile. He brushed his fingers through Victor’s fringe, moving it away from his face as he said, “I think it’s sweet that she wanted to say goodbye before she moved on. She cared for you so much.”

Victor bit his lip hard, tears flooding from his eyes again as he nodded. He breathed in hard, controlling his tears long enough as he said, “I miss her so much.” And Victor didn’t break. He didn’t cry from the sorrow that would hurt and abuse his soul, like it did at competitions. He didn’t cry from fear, from being so scared of the unknown.

He cried from acceptance. And it didn’t damage his soul one bit. It only helped heal the one part that suffered the loss of his companion. Victor was still on his way to recovering. It was a long road, but he was getting there.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MAKKACHIN IS SUCH A GOOD SMOL PUPPER
> 
> And look! I got this chapter up on time! *dance party*
> 
> Also, hey, I found time to actually draw something. It's just a cleaned up sketch but hey! :)
> 
> ~
> 
> Another thing: I don't know much about therapy. This is from my own research and understanding. I asked a few friends who have been to therapy, and from what I understand, this is what I gathered. I'm sorry if it's horribly inaccurate, but I felt I should explain that this is just from research. Thank you <3


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize if the therapy session isn't that great for this chapter. I got some tips on how sessions go and I will be sure to write them better in the future!

 

 

When the day came that Yuuri had to see Victor’s therapist with him, he went in with an open mind, but a slight tremble in his hands.

He wasn’t nervous. Not at all. At least, he was trying to convince himself he wasn’t. He didn’t know why he would be. He knew what to expect and he knew there was nothing to worry about, but it didn’t stop the heavy feeling in his stomach from twisting and turning. The feeling made him wonder if Victor felt like that when he had his first session. He then told himself that if Victor could do it, he could too.

As they stepped into Helen’s office, Yuuri was met with a wide smile from her. She stood up and stepped towards Yuuri as she said, “I assume that you are Yuuri.” She then held her hand out. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

Yuuri stared down at the hand she held out. He blinked at the sight, wondering what she was waiting for Yuuri to do. His brows dropped as his mind wondered if she wanted him to do the same. He then replicated her moves, raising a hand like how she had. She then took it and shook their hands before letting go.

Yuuri didn’t completely understand the meaning behind shaking hands, but he assumed it was a polite gesture. “Uh, Yeah.” He cleared his throat, “You too.”

“Sit, please,” She gestured towards the chairs. Yuuri sat beside Victor, who was already seated.

Helen moved to her own chair. She picked up her notepad from the side, placing it in her lap with a pen in hand. She looked up, meeting Yuuri’s stare as she said, “I would like to begin with introductions. My name is Helen Matthews. I’m Victor’s therapist, as I imagine you already know. May I please ask for your name?”

Yuuri nodded. “I’m Yuuri Katsuki.”

Her smile was kind and reassuring, and Yuuri felt a sudden reassurance. She seemed easy to talk to. “It’s nice to meet you, Yuuri.” She then flipped through a few pages of her notepad before saying, “I asked you here because I would like to discuss with you what Victor wants from therapy and how you can help outside of here.” Her eyes then turned to Victor. “Victor, is it okay if we tell Yuuri about your goals?”

“You can tell him anything,” Victor said, nodding. “I don’t mind.”

“I still need to ask,” She smiled then glanced at Yuuri. “Victor has chosen two major and two minor goals he would like to aim for and achieve by the time he finishes therapy. Victor, would you like tell Yuuri your goals yourself, or would you like me to?”

“I will, please,” Victor said. He turned in his seat to face Yuuri. He slipped his fingers through Yuuri’s palm and Yuuri tightened his grip, keeping Victor’s palm pressed against his own. “I want to learn how to tackle the false identity I’ve created and accept who I am outside of skating. Do you remember? I spoke to you about it.” Yuuri remembered both when he heard it himself and when Victor told him. He nodded. “I also want to learn how to cope and handle my emotions. I want to learn how to control them during my breakdowns.”

“Those are Victor’s major goals,” Helen then spoke. “Why I asked you here today is so you can also help Victor with those goals. It’s so we can help Victor progress not just in therapy, but outside too.”

“I like that,” Yuuri grinned. He liked that he was being told how he could help Victor. He felt more confident that he could help.

“Good,” Helen smiled back. She glanced at Victor. “And what about your minor goals?”

“Well, I want to decide my future when I do eventually retire,” Victor answered. “I feel like I would feel better about it once I’ve decided. And my other goal, I haven’t decided yet.”

Yuuri was surprised that none involved him achieving the Grand Prix. He would have assumed with how desperate Victor was to get back to the Grand Prix, he would have wanted that to be his major goal. But Yuuri felt pleased that it wasn’t. Yuuri was happy that Victor’s goals were for himself rather than for his skating.

“That’s great, Victor,” Helen spoke. Her pen then tapped to her lips as she thought to herself. Her pen then pointed towards Victor as she said, “But I want you to change your ‘I wants’ to ‘I wills’. ‘I want’ is ambiguous. I want you to say to yourself that you will achieve those goals, because you will.”

“Okay,” Victor took a breath. “Then I will learn to cope. I will achieve those goals.”

Yuuri’s hand tightened and Victor when Victor turned to Yuuri, Yuuri smiled up at him. He was proud Victor was determined to find help and recover. Helen then cleared her throat, catching the two’s attention. “I would like to explain Victor’s false identity in detail to you, Yuuri,” She said. “I imagine Victor has already told you, but I would like to explain it in my own words.”

Victor had explained it to Yuuri, and Yuuri already knew it in her words, but he couldn’t say that. So, he nodded and said, “Okay.”

“To me, identity is defined by simply being yourself. The reason I believe Victor has been living by a false identity is that he doesn’t know who he is. He only knows who he is expected to be – who his audience and his career had defined him to be,” She then paused, quickly reading through her notes. “He knows how to be Victor Nikiforov, living legend in figure skating, because he’s lived by that for years. He doesn’t know how to be Victor Nikiforov, friend, son, and uh… potential lover. He doesn’t know who that is, but he also doesn’t like that Victor.”

“It’s not that I don’t like that Victor,” Victor defended. “I just think that Victor is… boring.”

“And why do you think that Victor is boring?” Helen asked and Yuuri kept his eyes on Victor, wondering the same thing.

“That Victor isn’t interesting. That Victor isn’t anything special, or amazing, or rememberable. That Victor is lonely. I – I don’t want to be lonely again. I can’t go through that again.” Victor shook his head, his lips pressed together in a thin line.

Helen’s head cocked to the side, eyes focused on Victor. “I think you will find that _that_ Victor, the one you seem to think is boring, is more interesting than you think. It’s who you are, Victor. Do you remember what I told you? What you will achieve?”

“I need to learn to accept that part of myself,” Victor answered carelessly. “I need to accept somebody who is technically a nobody.”

“Try that again, Victor.”

Victor sighed heavily. “I _will_ learn to accept that part of myself and I _will_ learn to accept somebody who is a nobody.”

Yuuri’s brows dropped. “I don’t think you’re a nobody,” He said honestly. He thought Victor was more than just a nobody. “I think you’re so much more.”

“I’m happy you said that, Yuuri. But words can only go so far. It’s Victor who needs to believe that.” Helen spoke. “But we can discuss that later. Now, back onto his false identity. As I said before, Victor’s developed this identity from years of believing and listening to his expectations. And he’s relied on that identity for so long that now with his sudden ‘drop’ – as Victor calls it – he fears his career ending sooner than planned. And when his career does end, he can’t rely on his false identity anymore. He can’t rely on something that’s sculptured his future as one thing, which is skating.”

It made more sense to Yuuri. He was scared of his career ending soon. He hoped that Victor could find what to do when he does retire. Yuuri felt that would help him out so much. He then had a thought, back to Victor wanting to achieve something. He glanced at Victor, and asked, “Is that why you want to make it to the Grand Prix so bad?”

Helen paused, her brow raising with question as she stared towards Victor. “This is something you have not told me yet, Victor,” She said. Victor stared back, his expression was blank. “Would you like to explain that to me?”

There was a pause. “I just want to make it to the Grand Prix one more time.”

“And why is it so important to you that you make it?” She asked. Victor turned away but Helen pressed on. “Why not any other competition you’ve succeeded at?”

“… I don’t know.”

Helen was skeptical. “You must know.”

Victor swallowed hard. “… I – I want a better end to the next Grand Prix.”

“What happened at your last one?”

Victor tensed, freezing at Helen’s words. Yuuri felt it. Victor’s hand clenched around Yuuri’s in a tight grasp as fear rushed through his soul. He was scared to tell her. Yuuri didn’t know why, but Victor feared to tell Helen about his suicide attempt.

Victor kept his eyes downcast to the floor, refusing to meet Helen’s curious stare. “It’s… not something I am prepared to speak to you about.”

“I think we may have found a minor goal for you,” Helen said. “We can work on trying to discuss this. How does that sound?”

Victor nodded. “I can do that.”

“Good,” Helen smiled and turned to Yuuri. “So Yuuri, I would like to discuss some things you can do which can help Victor along with his therapy.”

Yuuri nodded, “Okay.” He would do whatever she told him. As long as it helped Victor, he wouldn’t mind.

“Now, I want to make this clear in case you didn’t know, but depression is a serious condition. You can’t expect yourself to fix his depression or expect him to snap out of it either,” She raised a finger with a warning. “It takes time and patients.”

“I understand,” Yuuri said. “I’m trying to help him the best I can. I don’t expect him to suddenly get better.” As much as Yuuri would love for Victor’s depression to just magically disappear one day, he’s learned over time that it wasn’t going to do that. He knows it’ll take time, and he’s willing to give Victor all of his time if it meant helping him feel happy again.

“I’m glad to hear that. I just wanted to make that clear,” Helen said. “It’s great that you want to help Victor, but I want you to be aware that it can get frustrating and that it will take time. And your own health is just as important too. It won’t do Victor any good if you say you’ll help him but collapse under the pressure of trying. That is why it’s important to take care of yourself too.”

“That worries me sometimes,” Victor said and Yuuri stared at him, brows dropped. He didn’t know what Victor meant. Did he worry about Yuuri not taking care of himself, or did he worry about Yuuri not being able to handle supporting him? Victor turned to face Yuuri. Yuuri could see the worry in his eyes and the look itself gave Yuuri an answer. “I sometimes feel like you care more about me and how I am than you do yourself.”

It was because Yuuri did. He didn’t _need_ to worry about himself. “But I want to care for you.”

“Yuuri,” Helen spoke and Yuuri looked at her. “Ask Victor why he feels that way.”

 “Okay,” Yuuri looked back at Victor, keeping his hand in Victor’s grasp. “Why do you feel that?”

“You always seem to put me first. I know you probably feel like you need to, and at times, yeah, you will need to. But…” He paused, biting his lip to think. “Remember when I told you that your needs are just as important as mine? That still applies now. I know what I’m going through isn’t the best, and I know you want to help me, but you’re just as important.”

Yuuri sighed. It always pulled at his chest in such a warm way when Victor made sure he was okay. He thought about what Victor said, how he cared more about him than himself. Yuuri could agree he does, but he doesn’t mind. But if Victor was worried about it, Yuuri told himself to try and balance it. Care for himself, but also care for Victor.

He nodded and gave Victor a warm smile as he said, “Okay, I’ll try. I’ll care for myself too.”

“Did you see what happened there, Yuuri?” Helen asked and Yuuri blinked at her. He wasn’t aware that something was supposed to have happened. “Victor expressed a concern and you asked him how he felt about it. What do you think went wrong with your first response?”

Yuuri thought back to it. “I… didn’t ask him how he felt?”

“And?” Helen pressed.

“And…” Yuuri thought hard about it, then, he concluded, “I only thought about how I felt?”

“Yes,” Helen said, nodding. “I believe that if you both work out how each other feels and talk about it, it may help you two communicate with harmony. As a couple – and I will call you two a couple for my own benefit – I imagine you must have had an argument before, am I right?” They shared a look before nodding. “Would you like to tell me about it?”

Victor glanced at Yuuri who nodded. He felt fine to speak about it. Victor turned back to Helen and said, “Well, it back at Europeans.”

“Europeans seemed to have not been a good time for either of you,” She noted.

“It wasn’t… It had its bad moments,” Victor said. “We argued about my career.”

“Are you willing to talk about that?””

Victor nodded. “Yes. I told Yuuri that I wanted to make it to the Grand Prix and win gold after having a bad year,” He explained. Helen listened intently. Her pen was pressed against her notepad, ready to write. “I want to surprise everyone that way, and that’s what I’m going to do. I want to end my career on a high. But Yuuri didn’t agree with my plan.”

Helen wrote on her notepad as Yuuri explained his reason. “I said it wasn’t healthy,” He caught her attention. She glanced up, brow raised. “I said that he shouldn’t force himself for the sake of surprise.”

Helen’s head tilted to the side. “And how did this turn into an argument?”

Victor pressed his lips together and squeezed his eyes shut. “He… sounded like them.” He muttered and Helen held her curiosity.

“Who are they?” She asked.

Victor breathed in hard as his eyes snapped open. “Yuuri sounded like everyone who doubted me. He reminded me of everyone who spoke about me behind my back. Those people, they say such… _horrible_ things about me. I – I didn’t ever want Yuuri to remind me of that. And the fact that he did, it made me feel just so angry. I thought he was telling me to just give up. I thought he was suggesting I was going to fail.”

Yuuri sighed to himself. He never wanted to come across that way. He wanted to express his concern that day, but instead, he made it worse. He hated that he did that. But Yuuri found that humans could be reckless and unthoughtful that day. He learned that Victor could be stubborn and selfish. And he wanted to speak with Helen about it.

“You must understand that Yuuri didn’t know that at the time,” Helen said. Victor only sighed in response. “What about you, Yuuri? I want to hear your side, too.”

Yuuri thought back to that day and the hurtful words Victor said to him. He realized he must have gone through the same thing Victor did – hearing the other say something that hurt them. “I – I felt hurt by something Victor had said to me,” Yuuri began. Victor stared at him, watching as Yuuri continued. “I had told him that I didn’t want to see him hurt anymore. I feel like his skating was doing more bad than good, and Victor… He told me to just leave. He told me to get out or go back to being homeless. He said he didn’t care.”

“I – I have no excuse,” Victor’s head bowed.

“And when I told him I didn’t want to watch him fall apart, he told me to just… not watch,” Yuuri felt Victor’s hand squeeze around his. “That… really hurt. It hurt more than him telling me to leave. I understand that he was angry, but it still hurt.”

“I’m so sorry, Yuuri,” Victor met his eyes. “I have no excuse. I had no reason to say any of that to you.”

“Did you speak to each other about this?” Helen asked, bringing the attention back to her.

Victor glanced at her and took a deep breath. “We spoke about it after we calmed down,” he said. “I – I didn’t want to at the time. But Yuuri said we needed to talk. And we did need to.”

Helen raised a brow. “Why did you not want to talk?”

“I just wanted to pretend that it didn’t happen,” Victor said. “I wanted us to go back to how we were. I felt like that, uh… thing that I don’t want to talk about, changed everything. In a way, it did. But I’m glad we spoke about it.”

“I’m glad,” Helen said, smiling kindly. “Did you two come to a conclusion.”

“Yes,” Yuuri nodded. “Well, we met in the middle. Victor was never going to change his mind about getting to the Grand Prix. And I didn’t want to watch Victor fall if he didn’t make it. But he felt that I wasn’t supporting his choice. So, I said I would be there for him and support him if he did something for me.”

“And what was that?”

“To come here.” Helen’s eyes grew, her brows raised as she stared. Yuuri caught the look. “You seem startled.”

Helen came to, clearing her throat to distract her shock. “Yes, well…” She paused. “Your response… I had expected you to have suggested something that would benefit you.”

“Why would I do that?”

Helen was silent. Her head dropped as she wrote in her notepad. She then glanced up at the clock and Yuuri wondered if she was avoiding answering his question. She turned back to the two and said, “Okay, as we are nearly out of time, I would like to finalize and conclude everything I have concluded.” She glanced back down to her notepad before pointing her pen towards Victor and said, “Victor, remember your goals. It’s okay if you don’t reach them. As long as you’ve achieved something, it matters. I want you to remind yourself that and remind yourself that even the smallest achievements mean progress.”

“Okay.”

“And Yuuri,” She paused. “I appreciate how much you care for Victor. It shows, but I want you – both of you – to start asking each other how you feel about something you disagree on and find a conclusion that makes both of you happy. If you’re angry or upset, take some time away from each other to cool down. What I don’t want is arguments that lead to regretful words being said.”

“We’ve only had one argument,” Victor said. “We’re going to do okay.”

“One argument is one argument, and let’s try and leave it at that.” She looks down. “And another thing for you Yuuri, take some time to care for yourself. Looking after Victor is great, but as he said, he worries about you. Look after yourself too. Care for yourself.”

“I will try,” Yuuri said.

“Good,” Helen smiled. She placed her notepad to the side and stood to her feet. “Now, Victor I will see you on Thursday. And Yuuri, please come back in two weeks. I would like to speak with you again.”

Yuuri nodded. “Of course.” He said. They all said their goodbyes and Helen sent them on their way.

On the travel home, there was a strange silence. Yuuri felt like they should have spoken about that session, but at the same time, they didn’t need to. He just felt like something should have been said. But Yuuri didn’t know what to say, so he assumed Victor didn't either. But the silence wasn’t too bad. There was some comfort in it.

Yuuri felt it was a rather successful session. He learned new things he would remind himself to do and found ways he could help Victor. He felt they were getting somewhere, and Yuuri had never felt happier.

 

* * *

 

When March came around, Yuuri had noticed a shift.

It had nothing to do with the Universe. It had nothing to do with the afterlife, either. The shift was in their relationship. The shift was a change, like a tide that just came in. Except it wasn’t drowning them. It wasn’t swallowing them up while they fought against an impossible current. It was becoming shallow, allowing them to move with ease and breathe for the first time.

It wasn’t that they struggled with each other before. They hardly ever struggled. They now didn’t need to rely on each other as much as they had before. They didn’t need to cling onto each other. They found neither worried so much about the other. Yuuri found he began to ask Victor how he felt more, that he was working with how Victor felt as well as seeing to his own care.

But Victor, he had more happier days. Some days were very bad days where he wouldn’t get up, not even to eat or drink. Those days, the sorrow around his soul tugged and pulled, reaching for every ounce of happiness Victor had left and hiding it away. Except his happiness fought back. When it would be hidden, it would kick back against the sorrow. It would force its way through the cracks that hid beneath, squeezing through whatever break it had. It was determined to fight.

And on Victor’s happier days, his soul shined brighter. His soul was like a star, and the sorrow was its planets orbiting around, coming into view every so often before disappearing behind the light that shined so bright, it almost hid away the sorrow. Victor wasn’t better. He was closer to being better than he was at the Grand Prix. He was better than he was at Nationals, and at Europeans. But Victor wasn’t better. He only improved.

But he continued to improve. His therapy sessions helped him come to ease with his emotions. Helen helped Victor find answers to his questions and achievement to his goals. He was understanding his depression better than he ever had before and that made a world of difference.

It helped Victor cope with his bad days. It helped Victor feel that little more happier on his good days. It helped Yuuri figure out how to help Victor those bad days and what were the right words to say and what the right thing to do was. Yuuri felt he was finally getting Victor on track to recovering. He was a rollercoaster that was only going up.

But there was always a drop and Yuuri feared it. The drop was Worlds. He could see it. They had two more weeks until Worlds and Yuuri were counting every second, hoping to make each one count. He couldn’t waste a minute. Any second where he would help Victor recover was worth it.

As Yuuri watched Victor’s soul each night, keeping his eye on any changes, feelings, or emotions he was hiding, he noted that Victor’s soul was trying. His soul was fighting to recover, and although Victor still had bad days, and some _very_ bad days, he coped better than before. And Yuuri had a thought.

Yuuri had made the promise with himself to make the call that they would be lovers once Victor’s soul began to recover. And he decided it was time that he made the call.

The day Yuuri decided he wanted to tell Victor was just like any other day. Victor was at the rink and Yuuri was at home, shuffling around from one room to another to keep his mind occupied. He didn’t want to make the day seem special. It was a special day, but Yuuri saw no point in making it over the top. He just wanted to tell Victor that it was time that they were lovers and let whatever happens, happen.

He did want to at least try and do something for Victor. He had an idea to try and cook him something, to give Victor a break from making him food all the time. Except Yuuri didn’t know how to make toast without forgetting it was there and letting it burn, so cooking was off the list. Instead, he decided he would keep it simple.

But then he worried about it being too simple that Victor wouldn’t see it as a romantic gesture and Yuuri just wanted his mind to calm down and take a break. Yuuri decided to take a shower. It soothed him at times when it was too early for him to pretend to sleep. He stepped into the bathroom and turned on the faucet. He let the water adjust to the right heat before stripping off his clothes and stepped under the shower.

The water poured down his skin, dripping off his body as his mind faded and eased. The sensation of the water against his skin calmed him, taking his mind off things. He closed his eyes, letting the water beat against his head as he leaned against the cold tiles. He took a moment to breathe. He never knew how relaxing showers could be. He enjoyed the feeling of the water against his back. It allowed him to forget.

He started to hum to a song. It was a sweet song, one he learned a lifetime ago. The words almost made no sense to him anymore. They were distant, somewhere in the depths of his mind that he couldn’t find them. The language was long gone – forgotten through time. But Yuuri knew the tune. He knew the melody well enough to remember the song.

He suddenly felt strong arms wrap around his hips and Yuuri didn’t need to turn to know who it was. “ _Yuuri_ ~” Victor sang, resting his chin on Yuuri’s shoulder. “May I join you?”

Yuuri let out a single laugh, smiling as he said, “You’re already in here.” Victor kept his hands on Yuuri’s hips as Yuuri turned, meeting the blues of Victor’s eyes. His eyes cast down, noting that Victor was just as nude as he was. He glanced back up, his half-lidded eyes met Victors as he murmured, “You can always join me here.”

Victor’s gaze jumped from Yuuri’s lips to his eyes and Yuuri knew what he wanted. As if on instinct, they both moved forward. Their lips met in a kiss – soft and delicate. It was almost hesitant. The first kiss seeming more experimental, but it took less than three seconds for any hesitation to completely disappear, and they kissed again.

Yuuri very much enjoyed kissing Victor. It felt so good having Victor’s soft lips against his own, or feeling Victor’s hands touching him. Every new place Victor touched was electric and Yuuri wanted to discover more _._ He wanted to explore all the places that made him tremble with pleasure, that made him whimper and gasp.

But more than that, he wanted to find just the right places to make _Victor_ quiver against his touch. He wanted to give Victor that kind of pleasure, watch him lose himself from Yuuri’s hands. Yuuri wanted to touch Victor – kiss him, bite him, mouth at every inch of his body until Yuuri claimed all of Victor. He still didn’t completely understand his needs, but the more Yuuri explored them with Victor, the more he wanted to discover.

Yuuri knew he liked kissing and touching Victor, and he wondered if he would ever like sex that much too.

Victor pulled back for breath, their eyes lidded as they stared into each others. Yuuri recognized the look behind Victor’s eyes. The one he saw the first time Victor kissed him. It was that lustful look, the one that begged for touch. But Yuuri saw more than that. He saw the affection Victor gave him when he promised not to hold back his needs. He saw the desperation for Yuuri, much like when Yuuri first discovered what it meant to miss someone – to miss that specific touch from that person.

And he also saw emotions he could not identify. He saw emotions he felt like he knew, but he couldn’t work them out. Those feelings were always there. He recognized it from all the times he caught Victor staring that little bit too long or when Victor spoke overly kind words about Yuuri. He saw it slowly growing through Victor’s soul over the time Yuuri had spent living with him.

That emotion – that _feeling_ , it was mesmerizing, and truly beautiful.

“Victor,” Yuuri breathed. He pressed their foreheads together, his hands circling around Victor to pull him closer. “I wanted to ask you something today.”

He almost forgot through the lingering touches and kisses that one request could lead to them becoming more – becoming official. Victor’s eyes blinked open as he moved back, keeping his eyes to Yuuri’s. “What is it?”

It was such a simple thing to say, yet he could feel his chest swelling and tugging at the thought. It made him feel light and weightless but a crushing fear kept him put. It was a fear of rejection. He knew that was a bizarre thought. He knew Victor wouldn’t deny Yuuri’s request, but the thought of Victor having the power to actually say no sent a chill down his spine.

Yuuri swallowed hard. He breathed in hard to soothe the swelling in his chest. He felt his chest continue to tug and his stomach flutter. It was exciting and surreal. Yuuri brushed Victor’s hair out of his eyes, taking Victor in. It was time.

“Victor. Let’s be lovers.”

Those three simple words were enough to startle Victor into a shock. He blinked, his face was completely still as he stared at Yuuri. Yuuri stared back, fear rushing through him that Victor changed his mind. But then Victor’s lips twitched before they broke out into a smile. His hand pressed to his mouth, hiding his smile behind his palm and Yuuri didn’t want that. He raised his hand, his fingers circled around Victor’s wrist as he gently pulled his hand down. His fingers slid between Victor’s, holding them against his palm. Victor bit his lips, unsuccessfully trying to bite back his smile as he nodded. And that single nod of his head made Yuuri feel he could take on the world.

And the kiss they shared was much like any other. It wasn’t special or unique, but it held a different meaning. It was their first kiss, officially as lovers. It was their first kiss knowing they shared the same feelings. They were on the same level as each other, undoubtedly.

They didn’t need to label who they were to know how each other felt. Yuuri knew Victor felt the same, and vice versa. But it was knowing that they knew what to call each other. It was the idea of introducing each other as lovers to other people, that made Yuuri smile. Yuuri felt this giddiness, an excitement to meet someone new and say, “This is Victor, my lover.” It had a ring to it.

It felt right. It felt real.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are beautiful and calm right now.  
> They're lovers!!! Finally!


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE ULTIMATE SPICE ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

Yuuri had never felt happier to hear someone say yes before.

It wasn’t even a yes. It was a nod. But it was a confirmation, the ‘yes’ that Yuuri wanted, and he had never felt this happy before.

When he and Victor finished their shower, they spent the rest of their evening in the comfort of each other’s arms. There was a different presence between them after Yuuri made the call. It wasn’t a bad feeling. It felt nice, kind, and warm. It was comforting, soaking Yuuri in a blissful peace that he and Victor shared between many lazy kisses.

Yuuri wondered where they would go from there and how different their relationship would be now they were lovers. He knew not much would change, but it opened the door to more possibilities. It opened a door for them to explore more and even become more.

But Yuuri’s mind asked himself about sex. He knew sex was completely off the table while they weren’t lovers, but now they were, Yuuri wondered exactly _when_ they would have sex. He recalled when he first met Victor that Victor said he wanted to have sex with him. He wasn’t ashamed to admit that. Yuuri knew it would happen eventually unless he asked for it not to, but Yuuri didn’t want to do that. He wanted to explore more. And he wanted to explore it with Victor.

But what he wanted to explore, he felt differently towards it unlike how Victor felt about it. It wasn’t how they felt for each other. It was different than that. Victor wanted to have sex with Yuuri and Victor knew he was attracted to him in that way not long after they met. Yuuri however, felt a little different in that aspect.

It felt difficult for him to work out but he understood it enough to get a rough idea. He was still exploring who he was, human emotions and all. He knew Victor had a good body. It didn’t matter if he was nude, clothed, or sat in a pair of socks and underwear with a tie around his head. Victor still looked good. And sexually, Yuuri found that enough for him to feel something. He found it enough for him to want to explore his sexuality with Victor, but not enough for him to look at Victor and think ‘Sex, sex, sex.’

He did think about certain things, yes, but it was because he wanted to explore them. He wanted to explore his sexuality and discover what he never knew about himself. He just didn’t want to do it with anyone else. He didn’t want to explore it outside of the relationship. He felt his attraction towards others was more blank than anything, but his attraction towards Victor was colorful. Victor was no doubt a beautiful human, inside and out. He could say Victor was sexually pleasing in some ways, but Yuuri found him more… beautifully pleasing.

And Victor was the most pleasing of them all.

He wondered if the humans had a name for what he felt. Perhaps it was his human emotions not fully devolving, or maybe it had developed and it was just who he was. Then he wondered if it was simply because he was Death. Death never had a sexuality. Death couldn’t even have children. But Yuuri didn’t feel so much like Death anymore. He felt more like Yuuri.

He felt more like Yuuri… perhaps that was his change?

He shook his head to himself. It couldn’t be. He only felt more like Yuuri because Yuuri is who he is through his human emotions. Yuuri _is_ his human emotions. It wouldn’t be it. And it didn’t make him have the sudden realization, either. He didn’t feel the Universes confirmation. It couldn’t be.

But Yuuri couldn’t help but continue to wonder that all through the night and into the next day. It annoyed him in a way. He wanted to think more about himself and Victor – more about where they were going to go with their relationship but instead, his mind was stuck on something else. And while that something else was important, it wasn’t what he wanted to focus on.

Then Victor came back from his therapy session and Yuuri didn’t know how but he knew there was something Victor wanted to talk about. There was a look in his eyes, one that kept on glancing at Yuuri but turning away when Yuuri looked at him. Victor wanted to talk and Yuuri wondered if he was willing to speak about it.

“Victor,” Yuuri said, catching his attention. Victor glanced at Yuuri innocently, his wide eyes, asking if he had done something wrong. It was… cute. At least he didn’t seem sad. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Victor said with a faint smile to his face. There was a pause as Yuuri raised a brow, questioning him. And Victor gave in. “Alright, I just want to talk about something.”

“What is it?”

Victor chewed his lip as he thought to himself. “Well, I told Helen about us becoming lovers and she was happy for us. And I’m happy too. I’m very happy,” His lips broke out into a sheepish smile. Yuuri grinned with him. “But I realized something.”

Yuuri blinked then his brows dropped. He didn’t know why, but he felt a slight worry over Victor’s realization. He knew it was probably nothing, but his mind was asking him what if it _was_ something. “What was it?” Yuuri asked, needing to know.

“I’m so, _so_ happy that we are lovers. Trust me, Yuuri. It feels great. But…” Victor paused and Yuuri held his breath, finding it calming the rapid tugging in his chest. “But I want to know why you came to that conclusion. And why now?”

Yuuri had a few reasons why he chose now – but he struggled to word out how he could tell Victor. His reasons were that Victor’s soul had improved, but he couldn’t say that. Victor was also in a better place than he was before, and that was something Yuuri could say, but there was more. Yuuri wanted to tell Victor all the reasons why he chose now. But some, he struggled to even understand himself and others, he couldn’t mention without Victor finding the truth behind who he really is.

Yuuri then stuck with what he knew he could do and avoided using words such as ‘soul’ or ‘afterlife’ when talking with Victor. He found that helped.

“You’re improving. I can see it,” Yuuri began. It wasn’t all he wanted to say, but it was a start. “When you first asked me to be your lover, I knew you weren't ready. You weren’t in the right mind and your… you weren’t in the right place. But now, I believe you are. I had said to myself it’ll be the right time when you’ve improved. So, I think now was the right time.”

Victor’s smile was soft against his face. His eyes met Yuuri’s with genuine affection that it sent a rush of warmth throughout Yuuri. “This makes trying to get better more worth it,” Victor spoke and Yuuri was so pleased.

“I – I also felt that your depression shouldn’t stop happiness from coming your way,” Yuuri found himself saying. He hadn’t realized he spoke until the words dropped from his mouth. And he continued. “It’s hard to explain – I think. I want you to be happy and I know that some days you will be, and other days you won’t, but why should that stop us from being what we want? We wanted to be lovers. And that is what we will be – what we are.”

Victor didn’t react at first. His smile didn’t drop as he held his gaze, but he didn’t say anything either. He was silent. Yuuri feared he had said the wrong thing or Victor misunderstood it. Victor then moved. He leaned forward, kissing Yuuri softly and pulling back with a smile just as soft and Yuuri was relieved.

“Things will start looking up from now on,” Victor said. He pressed their foreheads together; their eyes closed. “I want us to last. We will last.”

Yuuri hoped with Worlds just around the corner that things will stay well. He doubted that Worlds would be anything but happy, but he could hope. He didn’t know if it would be the competition Victor will fail or if the Universe would continue to postpone the unavoidable fall, and the fact that Yuuri didn’t know scared him the most.

But whatever the outcome, Yuuri knew ways to help Victor and Victor knew ways to cope. Yuuri had some confidence in himself that he could help Victor as much as he could. He mostly wished that there wasn’t a repeat of Europeans. He doubted Victor would get back to that point, but he couldn’t say it wouldn’t happen.

Whatever the outcome, Yuuri would be there for Victor. Yuuri would help him as much as he could because Victor needed it.

That night, it was one of those nights where Victor needed to feel release. They were lying down, Victor pressed up against Yuuri’s front as he grinded himself against Yuuri’s thigh that sat between his legs. His arms were wrapped around Yuuri and his hand combed in Yuuri’s hair, tugging it every so often. His back was arched, finding the right curve to position himself comfortably against Yuuri’s thigh. Yuuri kept his arms around Victor’s waist, his fingertips touching and stroking across his curves.

Victor’s breath was hot against his lips as he panted, gasping as he let out a soft moan. That night, Yuuri craved more. He and Victor were lovers now. There were no boundaries with how far they could go – how far Yuuri wanted to go. And Yuuri, he wanted to have sex. He wanted to bring Victor to pleasure and find his own with him.

Yuuri felt his gut tingle and twist. It was the same feeling he felt the first time Victor touched him. And this was just as needy and just as desperate. He wanted to feel Victor. He wanted to touch Victor and have Victor touch him. Yuuri met his eyes as he moaned. His head fell back and Yuuri shivered. He didn’t have any doubt. He wanted to have sex.

His hands lowered, stroking across the curves of Victor’s ass. His fingers dug into Victor’s skin as he pulled Victor close. He let out a loud moan as they pressed against each other. The touch was intoxicating, erotic to feel. The friction of Victor’s cock against Yuuri’s clothed one had Yuuri sigh with pleasure.

It felt good. It felt so, _so_ good.

“Y – Yuuri,” Victor whimpered as Yuuri rocked his hips with Victor. “Are – are you – what is it you want?”

“ _You_ ,” Yuuri breathed against Victor’s ear. “I want to feel you, Victor. We’re lovers now. I’m ready. Please, let us do more.”

Victor breathed heavily, trembling as he felt Yuuri’s lips press to his neck. “You want us to have sex?” Victor asked, needing to confirm. Yuuri pulled back and his hand brushed Victor’s hair away from his face. Victor was flushed, beads of sweat falling from his head. This was what Yuuri wanted to see. He nodded and Victor breathed in a shaky breath, swallowing hard. “O-okay. Yes. _Please._ ”

Their lips met, desperate and needy as Victor pressed his hips forward. Yuuri moaned into his mouth, gasping at the sudden pleasure that raced through him. His hands returned to Victor’s body, touching every inch he could feel. His hands stroked over the curve of his waist, the dip in his back as his fingers grazed down and he felt Victor shiver against him.

“S-sit up,” Victor stammered and it took Yuuri a moment to realize what Victor had said. Victor pulled back as Yuuri moved, shifting to a sitting position. Victor’s hands pressed to his shoulders, gently pushing him back until his back hit the headboard of the bed. Victor sat on his lap. His arms draped over Yuuri’s shoulders and his hand returned to Yuuri’s hair. He pressed close and grinded his hips into Yuuri, who gasped in response.

“ _Yuuri_ ,” Victor sighed. He paused his movements as his hand stroked down Yuuri’s chest, to his stomach and further down. The tips of his fingers slipped beneath Yuuri’s underwear when he hesitated. He met Yuuri’s eyes. “I want to touch you. Is this okay?”

Yuuri breathed hard as he nodded. It was more than okay. He wanted this. Victor’s hand slipped inside Yuuri’s underwear. His fingers circled around Yuuri’s cock and Yuuri sighed at the touch. Victor stroked at it before he pulled it free from his boxers. Victor moved forward, his tongue pressing past Yuuri’s lips and into his mouth. His hand circled around both Yuuri’s cock and his own.

And Yuuri’s breath hitched with a gasp and a moan. This felt different. He felt more desperate – more sensitive to Victor’s touch. All he could feel was a building of pleasure and the warmth of Victor’s hands. Yuuri decided to experiment. He rocked his hips forward, making his and Victor’s cock rub against each other’s in the light grasp of Victor’s hand and in an instant, he craved more.

“V-Victor,” Yuuri stuttered through a whimper. He stopped rocking his hips and met Victor’s eyes. Yuuri wanted this to be good, not just for him but for Victor too. He wanted Victor to know that. “I – I’ve never done this before. I want it to be good for you. Tell me what to do.”

“You matter in this too,” Victor said and paused, thinking. “Do you want to give or receive?” Yuuri blinked at him. He didn’t know what Victor meant by that. Victor let out a sigh as he smiled fondly. “Do you want to be inside me, or do you want me to be inside you?”

Yuuri hadn’t thought about what he wanted, but thinking about it in that moment he knew he didn’t mind. Whichever he chose, he knew it would be a pleasurable night. But he wondered if Victor had a preference. “What do you prefer?” Yuuri asked, “I don’t mind. I just want to feel you.”

Victor’s grip squeezed gently and Yuuri let out a choked gasp. Victor trembled against his own touch. He leaned forward, coming close to Yuuri’s ear and he breathed against Yuuri’s skin, “I need to feel you inside me. Please, I need – I need to feel you.” Yuuri swallowed hard and nodded. He felt a little nervous, but he was mostly excited. He wanted to experience this. He wanted to explore this.

Victor’s free hand moved to wrap around Yuuri’s wrists. He guided Yuuri’s hand behind him before he suddenly paused. His eyes widened, as if his mind suddenly remembered something. “Wait,” He said, letting go of their cocks to raise a finger. He moved off Yuuri’s lap and reached into his bedside drawer. He pulled out two objects that Yuuri didn’t get a good view on to know what they were. He dropped one to the side but kept the other in hand as he returned to Yuuri’s lap. He raised a bottle of lube in front of Yuuri’s face, showing it to Yuuri. His hand wrapped around Yuuri’s hand as he raised it. He raised Yuuri’s fingers as he poured the liquid over them. It felt cold and wet against Yuuri’s skin and Victor spread it over them, coating his fingers.

Victor guided his hand back around, pressing his fingers in between the cheeks of Victor’s ass, encouraging him to explore. “Circle around it first, then press in,” Victor breathed and let go of Yuuri’s hand, letting him take control. “I like it like that. Don’t be afraid to try what you think is right. I will tell you otherwise if I don’t like it.”

Yuuri trusted Victor. He did as Victor told him, his fingers circling around his hole for a moment. Victor bit back his moan, trapping it in the back of his throat. He trembled as Yuuri’s fingers caressed his entrance, slicking it with the lube over his fingers. Victor fell forward, resting his head against Yuuri’s chest as he controlled his breathing, panting his warm breath against Yuuri’s skin.

“P-press in – I – Ah, please, Yuuri, I –!” Yuuri’s fingers moved, pressing in when Victor tensed. His hand snapped to Yuuri’s forearm, his hand gripping it tightly. “Stop!” Victor gasped and Yuuri froze. He had done something wrong. He hurt Victor, He – “Just – Just one finger first. I’m not ready for two.”

Yuuri sighed with relief. He didn’t hurt him, he just made a mistake. “Do you want me to continue?” Yuuri asked. He needed to know. He needed Victor to give him a yes. Victor nodded and Yuuri felt prepared to continue. He pressed one finger in and Victor’s back arched to the touch. His head fell back as a pleasured sigh escaped his lips. Yuuri quivered beneath him as Victor’s cock rubbed against his own. He let his finger explore inside Victor, feeling the heat of his inside. Yuuri pressed his finger around, circling it, moving it back and forth, watching Victor as he unraveled on top of Yuuri.

“T-try another,” Victor breathed. Yuuri pressed his finger in against his own and pushed it forward. It slipped in with ease and Victor twitched and trembled, his arms wrapping around Yuuri and pulling him close. His fingers dug into Yuuri’s skin as his hand weaved through Yuuri’s hair, tugging at it as Yuuri pressed further inside. Yuuri craved for the touch as his own hand drifted up and down Victor’s back, his fingers grazing over the curve of his spine and the dip in his back.

His fingers moved and Victor shamelessly moaned against Yuuri’s neck. Yuuri wanted to look at him, to watch Victor as he found pleasure in Yuuri’s touch. He wanted to watch him, feel him, to see every part of Victor that made him incredibly beautiful.

“S-scissor them,” Victor breathed against his ear. “Open them. Curl them. You – You need to stretch – Ah!” As Yuuri did, Victor gasped a moan. His hips rocked with Yuuri’s fingers, pressing them further in as Yuuri’s fingers rubbed along the walls of inside him. He was a trembling, panting mess against Yuuri and Yuuri has never felt himself feel this before.

It was a sight. Yuuri’s low moans were from Victor’s cock rubbing against his own, but most were from just the sight of Victor. He was breathtakingly beautiful. There was a breathless smile to his lips, one that hung open every so often from his gasps, panting and moaning from Yuuri’s touch. He was flushed from head to toe, his skin glistening with sweat as his hair stuck to his head. His eyes were hooded, struggling to stay open between his moans as he wanted to just look at Yuuri, to meet his eye as he came apart from just Yuuri’s touch.

Victor’s hand stroked down Yuuri’s arm, continuing until he circled his hand around Yuuri’s wrist behind him. Yuuri understood he wanted him to stop. Yuuri stopped his movement and Victor panted heavily, catching his breath between their break. Victor swallowed hard and he reached to the side to grab the condom wrapper. He ripped it open and Yuuri eyed it. “I think I’m ready,” Victor said, breathing in as he nodded to himself. “I’m just going to put this on you, okay?”

Yuuri nodded. He removed his fingers from Victor who gasped at the sudden loss. Victor breathed for a moment before he shifted back. His fingers grasped for Yuuri’s underwear, tugging at them to encourage Yuuri to remove them. He lifted his hips, his boxers slipping under his ass and Victor worked to remove them completely. Once he was free from any clothing, Victor rolled the condom over Yuuri’s cock.

He glanced up and met Yuuri’s eyes. “Do – do you want me to be in control or do you want to?” Victor asked and Yuuri didn’t know what he wanted. “If I’m in control, we’ll sit like this. If you’re in control, we’ll be lying on the bed.”

“I – You be in control,” Yuuri said, coming to a decision. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You could never hurt me,” Victor smiled as he raised to his knees, hand around Yuuri’s cock as the tip pressed against his entrance. He met Yuuri’s eyes. “I’m going to lower now. Are you ready?” Yuuri nodded and Victor moved lower. Victor's eyes closed as Yuuri felt the tip of his cock press inside him. Yuuri quivered at the feeling. Victor paused for a minute, breathing as he prepared himself. He moved further down before his eyes squeezed shut and he pulled back up. He swore under his breath and before Yuuri could ask what was wrong, he told him. “I need to be stretched out more. I – I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Yuuri said as he pressed his fingers back inside Victor. Two fingers slipped in easily and he scissored them, opening and closing, stretching Victor’s entrance. He knew it needed to be stretched out more for Victor to feel comfortable, and he didn’t mind waiting. Victor needed to be comfortable too.

“I – I usually – Ah – usually … J-just bite through the pain,” Victor gritted his teeth, biting back his moan. Yuuri tensed as he stopped. His mind raced as he blinked up at Victor, who was looking down at him with concerned eyes. “Why – why did you stop?”

Yuuri thought back to all the times he had seen Victor with a lover. He didn’t want to call them lovers anymore. All those times he thought Victor was finding pleasure, he was just hiding his own pain from the person who was supposed to care for him. Yuuri didn’t like that. He didn’t like that one bit. Even with Yuuri’s lack of experience in sex, he knew it shouldn’t hurt. He knew Victor shouldn’t bite back his own pain for the sake of someone else.

“You – You let them hurt you?” Yuuri asked. His chest ached at the memories. He felt a gurgling in his stomach and an anger rising. Disgusted. He felt disgusted. He knew people did worse sometimes, but the fact that it was Victor - his Victor... “Why would you do that?”

“I – I just… I used to get so desperate to feel something that I…” He closed his eyes, taking a deep, shaky breath before meeting Yuuri’s eye. “I let them go further even if it hurt.”

“I won’t do that,” Yuuri said, shaking his head as he resumed opening his fingers, stretching Victor out. He wanted him to feel comfortable. He wanted him to enjoy tonight and not bite through any pain or continue just for the sake of Yuuri’s needs. He wanted Victor to enjoy it and have fun. “Should I add another finger?”

Victor bit his lip, muffling his groan as he nodded. He pressed in a third. Victor tensed around his fingers and Yuuri paused, letting him adjust. Yuuri pressed their foreheads together, wanting to help Victor ease into it and feel comfortable. “Take your time,” Yuuri whispered and Victor gasped as he pushed himself onto Yuuri’s fingers. “That’s it. This shouldn’t hurt.”

“I know,” Victor said, nodding. “It – It doesn’t hurt. It feels – Ah – It feels g-good. There’s a burn, but it’s nice.” Victor gasped out a moan as Yuuri reached further, pushing his fingers as deep as he could go. He adventured around Victor’s insides, stroking, stretching, touching the parts of Victor he had never felt before.

“Ah!” Victor moaned loudly, his head rolling and his back arched. He panted fast and heavy, gasping for breath between his moans. “Y-Yuuri! W-wait, wait!” His hand grasped around Yuuri’s wrist, trembling against the spot Yuuri just touched. Yuuri stopped his movements, staring at Victor wide eyed. Victor let out a breathy laugh between his gasps, smiling as he said, “Remember where that is. It feels good, but I won’t last if you start touching there.”

His hand tugged Yuuri’s wrist, encouraging him to pull it back. Yuuri did and Victor rose to his knees. He shifted forward, grabbing Yuuri’s cock once again. He met Yuuri’s eye and before he was about to lower, Yuuri asked, “Are you more prepared?”

Victor nodded. “Yes.” He lowered down and Yuuri could feel him. He didn’t tense like before and it was more easier for Victor to ease down than last time. Victor made it past the tip, easing himself further along Yuuri’s length until he was fully seated. His hands touched the side of Yuuri’s head, pressing his forehead to Yuuri’s. Yuuri’s breath jumped as he breathed in. Victor’s touch left sparks behind, like tiny tingles of electric. “I’m ready. Are you?”

Yuuri nodded. He was very ready. Victor then moved, raising and dropping his hips, rocking them in circles. It felt so good that Yuuri moaned _loud_. The feeling of Victor around him, the touch of Victor’s skin against his own, it was electric. It was enticing. And Yuuri craved for it.

His hands reached around Victor, gripping his hips as he helped Victor keep his balance. He met Victor’s rocking with a thrust, meeting each evenly. Victor gasped, choking out a moan and muffled it against Yuuri’s lips. Their tongues met, dancing around each other as they met each other’s thrusts. Yuuri struggled to keep his moans back, wanting to feel Victor’s tongue instead. He rocked his hips forward and Victor groaned, moaning loudly between his pants and Yuuri felt him tense around his length.

“Y – Yuuri,” Victor gasped. He trembled. His hands shook with pleasure as they combed through Yuuri’s hair. He pulled Yuuri forward and pressed a hard kiss to his lips. “You’re doing s-so well, Yuuri. You’re – Ah! – T-that's it!”

It felt good, but the position Yuuri was sat in didn’t feel fulfilling enough. He found some confidence to want to take some control. He wanted to bring Victor to pleasure and make him cry out moans. And he decided, he wanted to try.

“Victor,” Yuuri spoke and Victor slowed his pace enough to listen. “Can – can I take control? I want t-to try.”

“Yes, yes _please_ ,” Victor breathed. Yuuri pressed his palms against Victor’s back. He moved forward and eased Victor onto his back, Yuuri now hovered over him. He felt more comfortable – more in control. He thrusted his hips forward and Victor gasped. His nails clawed at Yuuri’s back, scratching over Yuuri’s healed wounds. His eyes glazed over as a single tear fell from the corner of his eye and Yuuri blinked and slowed his pace.

He didn’t understand why Victor had cried. He didn’t seem sad but Yuuri didn’t want to continue without asking. “Victor?” Yuuri blinked; his eyes focused on Victor’s expression. He was a mess. His mouth hung open, breathless and his cheeks were flushed. His eyes didn’t hold any sorrow. They were bright and alive as Victor smiled up at Yuuri.

“I’m fine,” Victor looked so warm, so calm. His hand reached up to stroke Yuuri’s face. “I’m very fine, Yuuri. I’ll tell you if I’m not.”

Yuuri knew. He kissed Victor – sweet and passionate. He rocked his hips forward and Victor’s back arched off the mattress. His head fell back, exposing his neck and Yuuri’s mouth watered. He pressed open mouthed kisses at the base of Victor’s throat, working his way up to Victor’s jawline. He then became aware of Victor’s breathing. He was panting hard and heavy, his chest rising and falling at a fast pace. Yuuri forced himself to slow down to a stop. Victor breathed hard as another tear fell from his eyes and Yuuri cupped his cheek, wiping the tears away with his thumb.

During their pause, Victor breathed and gasped for a breath. “I-I’m okay,” He swallowed hard and nodded, smiling up at Yuuri. Yuuri moved forward, their foreheads meeting and their noses touching. He was completely out of breath. Yuuri wanted him to calm down and catch his breath. Victor breathed in shakily and between his gasps, he said, “I’m just a little – little out of – breath. I didn’t realize you – you had such stamina.”

“I didn’t know either,” Yuuri said before he let out a laugh. He was learning so much about himself. Victor’s gaze was warm as he stared between Yuuri’s eyes and his lips. He leaned forward and found the breath to kiss Yuuri softly.

“Keep going,” He spoke against Yuuri’s lips and Yuuri complied. His hips thrusted, rocking back and forth. They moaned and gasped, their skin touched with each movement and each thrust. Their eyes never left each others. Yuuri wanted to watch Victor. He wanted to see him come apart beneath him. “ _Yuuri_ ,” Victor’s voice trembled and Yuuri wanted to hear it again. “I’m – I’m close.”

“Me too,” Yuuri moaned, his hips thrusting forward at a quicker pace. Victor’s hand reached down, his fingers circling around his own length. It only took a few strokes before Victor gasped loud, moaning as he reached his climax. His wet heat sprayed across their stomachs and chests. Victor clenched around Yuuri’s cock and Yuuri instantly felt himself reach that high. He shuddered, thrusting into Victor as their orgasms pulled from deep inside.

Yuuri’s arms trembled as he held himself up. He needed a moment. He felt he was floating and his mind was in the clouds. He then felt Victor’s arms around him, encouraging him to lie down. He pulled out before complying, resting his head against Victor’s chest as he listened to the quick beat of Victor’s heart.

Then there was a laugh. Victor’s chest bounced with each laugh he kicked out and Yuuri raised his head. He watched Victor who had his hand pressed to his mouth, hiding the smile behind his fingers as he laughed, and Yuuri didn’t understand why he was laughing. He didn’t understand the humor behind what Victor found so funny. Eventually, his laughter became contagious and Yuuri couldn’t hide back his own grin.

It was stupid. It didn’t make sense. But Yuuri liked that it didn’t make sense. He didn’t mind and he didn’t care, because Victor was happy. And he felt happy too.

When Victor found the breath and energy to move, they quickly cleaned themselves up and Victor asked for another round. Yuuri only had to smile and kiss him for him to know it was a yes. They took it slow the second time, full of light touches and lazy kisses. It was slower, but it was just satisfying as before.

And Yuuri could say that yes, he liked sex. He liked sex _very_ much.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while since I had a whole chapter where it doesn't progress over a few days.  
> Maan, look at these two （人´∀`*）


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here is an entire chapter in Victors POV. Enjoy!! <3

 

In less than twenty-four hours, Victor would be leaving for the World Championships. It is one of the biggest competitions he will have. And Victor wasn’t scared.

He was terrified.

The World Championships was bigger than Nationals or Europeans. It was in the name – Worlds. The whole world with skaters from across the globe, watching someone who once was a living legend continue to try. Worlds was bigger. Worlds was scarier. There were more skaters to mock him for his fall. There was a bigger audience to judge him and say horrible things about him. He could feel their stares and hear their words clear as day. They were in his mind, talking like a broken record. They repeated the same words he’s heard them say before. It varied. But it hurt equally.

Victor wanted it to stop. He needed it to stop.

He had to win this competition. He needed to succeed to get those words to stop. He needed to live up to his name and be who they expect him to be. He knew it would be bad if he couldn’t do it, but he had to try. He had to. He couldn’t think of any other way and he tried. God, he tried so hard but nothing made him feel like he could do it.

He would be off season after Worlds. He would be on a long, well-needed break and he could get most things sorted then. He just needed to get Worlds out of the way. He needed to keep reminding himself of his goal; not the one he and Helen are working on. It was his own personal one.

He needed to get gold. He had to succeed this competition. He wanted to stop those thoughts and those words that questioned his skill and his career from replaying in his mind. He needed to rely on being Victor Nikiforov – Living legend. He knew he shouldn’t, but it was his only hope in trying to get gold. If he was just Victor, he would fail. He knew he would. And he can’t fail. He refuses to. And he will do anything not to fail.

He needs to win.

He can’t fail. He can’t. He’d be a failure. He’d be a joke. He can’t fail. He can’t he can’t he can’t he –

“Victor?”

He’s desperate.

Victor breathed in hard. He needed to control himself. He closed his eyes and forced his mind to remember. He thought of what Helen told him to do when his mind couldn’t calm. He focused on his breathing. He inhaled deep, counted to three, then exhaled, and repeated until his heart calmed and his head stopped feeling so fuzzy.

He opened his eyes and focused on Helen. He needed to concentrate on something. He stared at her pen. It had a transparent plastic over the ink that sat inside. The ink was half empty, nearing the end of its life. Her pen was blue, like her nails. He noticed she changed her nail color often, unlike her hair where he could see the faint gray hairs along her hairline from where she hadn’t dyed it in so long.

His heart eased to a steady pace and his mind felt less fuzzy. He met her eyes and took a deep breath. “I’m fine,” He said and swallowed hard before nodding. “Yeah, I’m fine now. Sorry.”

“There’s no need to apologize,” Helen said, raising her hand. “Would you like to talk about it?”

He wasn’t too sure if he did want to. On one hand, he knew he should. He knew he should discuss how he feels to Helen so she could help him work things out. But on another, he didn’t want her to. He didn’t want her intruding on his plans. She wouldn’t approve of them and Victor didn’t want to hear her go on about it.

He breathed in hard and let out a huffed sigh. He knew it was best that he told her how he felt. He could just avoid talking about his plans. At least they would stay personal.

“I’m just… I’m terrified of tomorrow,” Victor spoke. He glanced up, meeting the curious stare of Helen. She was waiting for more. “I’m traveling to Finland for the World Championships. And I’m terrified I will fail, that everything will go wrong and I’ll have the worst skate of my career. I’m terrified of how everyone will react and what they will say. I don’t want to do this, but I have no choice. If I want to get to the Grand Prix, I have to do this.”

“What would you call a failure?” Helen asked, a brow raised with question. “Would you like to explain it to me?"

There was a lot that he could say would be considered a failure, but he stuck with the basics. “If I don’t achieve gold, it’ll be a disappointment. I can live with that. I’ve done that the past two competitions,” He began. “But if I get anything below a bronze, that’s a failure. If I don’t make it to the Grand Prix series, I’ve failed. If I… can’t live up to who I am – who I _was_ , that’s a fail. To succeed, I need to win gold. But to not fail, I need bronze or above.”

“Bronze or silver can still be a success,” Helen said. Victor almost laughed, but he bit it back.

“But I’d be in the middle then and I can’t stay there.”

She raised a brow. “What do you mean?”

He then looked around for something to use to show Helen what he meant, but he couldn’t find anything. He used his hands instead. “Okay, this is me and this is a cliff,” He said with his hands raised. One hand was the cliff. His other hand, he used two fingers to represent a person standing on his palm – it was him. “In my career, I only have two ways to go. I stay up here, or I fall. I’ve been comfortably standing up here my whole career, but right now, I’m here.” He moved his two fingers to the edge of his palm. “I’m on the edge, looking down. I can’t stay there any longer, but I can’t move. I can’t move and I don’t know what way the wind will knock me. It could either knock me back to the floor where I will be comfortable and safe, or…” His two fingers dropped from his palm and fell on his lap, indicating a fall.

Helen pressed her pen to her lips, thinking. “So, you don’t want to be on that ledge anymore.”

Victor tensed. The memories of that night came rushing back to him in an instant. He could feel the cold, crisp air biting his face, the tears down his cheeks and the ache in his heart. And it hurt so much. He remembered that pain and how all he wanted was for it to end. He remembered and he could feel it. He didn’t want to feel it anymore.

But it hurt and it didn’t stop. It hurt. It hurt it hurt it hurt it –

He pressed the heel of his palm to his eyes and bit his lip hard. He was trembling and sucking in deep breaths. He wanted to keep his tears back. He didn’t want to cry anymore. He was sick and tired of crying. He could barely hear Helen’s voice above the ringing in his ears. He was breathing in harder and harder but he still felt he couldn’t breathe. He can’t breathe. He needs to.

He sucked in a long breath, filling his lungs but it didn’t feel it was enough. He knew he could breathe. A part of his mind was telling him that he could, but another was saying that he couldn’t and it was nothing but a war zone in his mind. He was fine. He was _fine_.

He inhaled, paused for three seconds, then exhaled, and paused again. He did this on repeat until his heart calmed and his lungs felt satisfied. He was still shaking but he felt better. He rubbed his eyes, drying the tears that overflowed then dropped his hands to his lap.

He saw a tissue box being held in front of him. He glanced up at Helen and met the kind, warm smile on her face. He took a couple of tissues to wipe his eyes and blow his nose. She moved the box to the side before returning back to her seat. “How are you feeling now?”

Victor breathed in a shaky breath and nodded, “I’m better. I just… I had a bad memory. It – it isn’t one I… handle very well.”

“I think you handled yourself rather well there,” Helen praised. Victor felt rather pleased with himself. It made him feel a little happier knowing he handled it better than he thought. “I’m glad you’re remembering the breathing techniques we spoke about.”

“I didn’t think it would help when you first told me but it seemed to have stuck,” Victor admitted. He didn’t think breathing that way would help, but he found concentrating on nothing _but_ his breathing seemed to ease him. It stopped his mind from focusing on the negative as he only working on his breathing.

There was a silence that fell between them after that. But it wasn’t because Helen didn’t know what to say. It was because Victor didn’t know what to say. Helen was writing in her notepad, so she had a reason to be silent. Victor, however, didn’t. He didn’t know what to say or where to go from there.

He thought back to what she had said – how he didn’t want to be on the ledge anymore. He didn’t know why it seemed to remind him of that memory now. They weren’t even talking about it. Victor didn’t want to cry at the memory anymore. He wanted to look back at it and see it for what it is – a memory. He didn’t want to revisit it in his mind and feel that ache again.

He glanced up at Helen. He wondered what she would say or suggest and if it would help him at all with his career and his depression. He wanted to talk about it. But not in the same way he told Yakov or Yuri. He wanted to talk about it in detail. He wanted to talk about the emotions that even Yuuri didn’t know about.

He didn’t know if it would make him cry again or bring back those vivid memories once again, but he wanted to try.

“Helen?” Victor said and Helen paused writing. Her eyes glanced up, looking at Victor. “I – That memory I had… I want to talk about it.”

She raised her head and nodded. “Okay, Victor.” She placed her notepad and pen to the side. She sat back, focusing her attention on Victor. “You can talk at your pace. You don’t have to push yourself to tell me everything. Say what you’re comfortable with.”

Victor breathed in and nodded. “Okay… Well, I – uh… I don’t really know where to begin.” He scratched the back of his head. His mind seemed to have blanked. He did feel nervous to talk about it, but he knew it would be okay. He took a deep breath, trying to calm the beating of his heart.

“Perhaps start with what you remember well,” Helen suggested. “You can try to work your way from there.”

“I’ve spoken about this before. Well, I’ve told two people but I’ve never explained it in detail. That’s a little different,” Victor admitted. Helen remained silent. “Actually, only Yuuri really knows. He – uh… He helped me. He’s the only reason I’m here.”

“In therapy?” Helen asked. Victor shook his head. He breathed in – it was now or never.

“He’s the only reason I’m alive.”

Victor expected a sudden reaction but Helen seemed rather calm. He had noticed a small drop. Her shoulders fell and her expression softened, but in all, she seemed calm about it. She seemed to want to listen. And Victor felt comfortable enough to continue.

“I told you about my depression and when it started. It was after my fifth win. But it was during my sixth win that it… really hit me hard,” Victor paused. His eyes downcast to the floor, thinking back to the memory. “I won that Grand Prix but I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t deserve that gold medal because it was rewarded to Victor Nikiforov, and I didn’t feel like him. I didn’t feel I was anyone. I… It’s weird. I felt like I was an imposter in my own body. It was as if I had the memories and the skill of Victor Nikiforov, but I was somebody else pretending to be him. I’m probably going crazy.”

“You are not going crazy, Victor,” Helen spoke. Victor glanced up at her. He doubted that.

He continued. “And then I was at the banquet. It’s what the skaters have after every Grand Prix… It gets even more boring every year.” He remembered when he was young and being at his first banquet. He loved it. He remembered enjoying it. And how he wished he could go back to that feeling. “These people… Not the skaters, but the guests… they like to gossip. And they think I don’t hear them but I do. They expect too much from me but I want to give them that expectation. I want to make my audience happy, but I couldn’t and I can’t. I couldn’t live up to that expectation. I couldn’t be who they wanted me to be or who I wanted to be. And other people, they just… say these horrible things. I – I don’t know if it’s because of my depression or whatever, but it just seemed to hurt more.”

Victor could feel his eyes beginning to fill with tears. He raised his tissue to his eyes, drying them before they fell. Helen sat up in her seat and cleared her throat to catch Victor’s attention. “Victor,” She said and he looked at her. “Depression does have a major impact on your feelings, emotions, and moods. And it can make you not feel like your ‘old self’. I would like for you to take those words into thought.”

Victor nodded and sniffed hard. “Okay, I’ll try.” He chewed on his lip for a moment before continuing. “I -uh… yeah. I remember getting back to my hotel and I just sat down. I stared at my gold medal and I remember asking myself, why am I so sad when this was supposed to be the best night of my life? I shouldn’t be sad. I don’t deserve to be sad, and – and people have it worse than me. And then I couldn’t stop thinking about my future and where I was going. If I were to retire, I had nowhere to go. And I was in the biggest flub of my career even though I was still on top at the time. But it’s more than just that. There was so much more to it.”

Victor had to pause, which had probably influenced Helen’s question: “What else was there?”

“I… had nobody.” Victor murmured. His eyes fell unfocused as he stared off into the distance, thinking back to that time. “I was so alone. And whenever I looked to my future, long after my career ended, I would see nobody. I didn’t see any lover, friends, or my coach. I saw my friends as just my competitors and I assumed once I retired they wouldn’t want to stick around anymore. My coach wouldn’t be my coach once I retired, so I thought why would he continue to stay in contact with me? And Yuuri wasn’t in my life at this point, so any lover seemed… non-existent.”

“You felt lonely?” Helen asked. Victor glanced at her, swallowed hard and nodded.

“Yes.” He said. “I felt lonely.” He paused. “And then I came to this decision… I thought to myself, If I can’t surprise my audience, if I can’t be who they want me to be, or find my inspiration, then what was the point? How could I stop this pain and loneliness from eating me alive any longer? And then I found my answer. It couldn’t eat me alive if I was dead, could it?”

Victor didn’t know why he even asked. He knew he wouldn’t get a response. He continued. “I left my hotel and just walked. I remember taking a look around the city we were in days before the competition. I found this river going through the town. There was a bridge there. It wasn’t the main bridge so there were no cars and at three in the morning, I knew I would be alone. I don’t really know why I chose to go there. I think I just wanted to take that walk first to… I don’t know. Maybe I wanted to second guess my action but I didn’t. I still walked to that bridge. And I stepped up onto that ledge and I was ready to jump.”

“But you didn’t,” Helen noted and Victor nodded, taking a deep breath.

“But I didn’t.” There was a pause. “That was where I met Yuuri.”

Helen paused. “That was how you met Yuuri?”

Victor nodded. “He was just… there. This weird, weird guy who doesn’t know how to use a TV remote just came out of nowhere and just… talked to me. He didn’t talk me out of it or tell me I had ‘so much to live for’ and how ‘everyone loved me’. He just talked to me.” His Yuuri that probably fell from the heavens to be in Victor’s life. Just thinking of him made Victor feel that slightest bit happier. He loved Yuuri so much. “He said I looked like I needed someone. And I did. I really did and the fact that he saw that – that he noticed that, I knew I couldn’t let him go. I knew I couldn’t die in front of him. He… he made me feel a sense of hope. And I hadn’t felt that for so, _so_ long.”

“So, Yuuri saved you that night and gave you a sense of hope,” Helen asked, confirming what Victor had said. He nodded. “And now you two are together, in a relationship?” Again, Victor nodded.

There was a pause. “So… What do I do now?”

“What do you want to do?”

Victor was a little confused. “Oh, well, I thought if I told you that, you would be able to tell me where to go from there and what I can do to recover.”

Helen grabbed her notepad and pen from the side again, placing it on her lap as she said, “Do you want me to help you figure out where to go from here?”

That wasn’t exactly what Victor had wanted but it was close enough. “Yes, please.”

“Well, I can think of one goal we can work on right now,” Helen said. Victor raised a brow, waiting for her to tell him. “We can work on one of your minor goals. You can try and decide your future for after you retire.”

Victor chewed the inside of his lip as he thought to himself. He could do that. It didn’t exactly help him with this competition, but it might give him some peace of mind for his worst-case scenario. And if it worked out for him, at least he had an idea of what to do when he eventually does retire. He met Helen’s eyes and nodded. He wanted to work on that.

“I know one thing I want to do,” Victor said and Helen perked up, paying close attention to Victor. “I want Yuuri to be there. I want to be with Yuuri for a long, long time.”

Helen smiled softly. “That is very sweet, Victor.”

“I love him,” He said and he hadn’t realized it. And he knew he was about to word vomit, but Helen was his therapist and she was hired to listen to his word vomit. “I love him so much. He’s done more for me than just save me. He’s helped me as much as he can through all this and I’m so thankful for his help. Sometimes he doesn’t know what to say but that’s okay because it feels real. He feels real. He feels genuine, and although there are some big secret’s he’s hiding from me, I can look at him and think, this is the man I would choose to marry. Even though I sometimes feel like I know nothing about him, it’s okay, because I know that one day, I will. I know I can trust him regardless of how much I know about him.”

Helen’s smile grew the more Victor rambled on. He could talk about Yuuri for hours, but as he glanced at the clock, he only had fifteen minutes. “Well, Victor, I have some good news for you,” She said and there was a pause as Victor waited for her to continue. “You’re a step closer to achieving that goal.”

Victor sighed with content. It felt good being close to a goal. “I know I want to be with Yuuri.”

“And that is something I think you can talk to him about. I wouldn’t recommend asking about marriage, but perhaps… a promise,” Helen suggested and Victor’s brows dropped.

“A promise?” He wondered what she meant by that.

“It’s only a suggestion,” She said, “Like a pinky promise.”

Victor thought about it. He would talk to Yuuri about him being a part of his future, but he wondered how he could do the promise. He didn’t just want to link fingers and leave it at that. He wanted to make it special like Yuuri did with the lavender roses.

He would think long about that.

“I’ll definitely think about it,” Victor said and nodded mostly to himself. He glanced up. “But what can I do with my career? All I’ve ever known to do is skate.”

“Is there nothing else you could do?” She asked and Victor thought about it. He really didn’t know what else he could do. He shook his head. “Perhaps this is another thing you can talk to Yuuri about. Maybe he can help you find something you could do.”

“Can you not help me?” Victor asked. It wasn’t that he didn’t want Yuuri to help him. He wanted to work out what to do as soon as possible.

“I’m always here to help you, Victor,” Helen reminded. “But sometimes even I don’t know the answers. I can help you find them, however. Perhaps you have some ideas?”

Victor thought about it. He had contemplated becoming a coach once before, but that idea was out of the window. He couldn’t coach somebody with his lack of inspiration or ideas. He could maybe be a judge. He’d been in the sport long enough to know what he would be doing. He could easily judge someone’s skate and score how well they did.

But none of it seemed to be what he felt he could do. He didn’t want to stay in the spotlight when he retired. After all he had gone through the past year, he wanted to leave his mark on the skating world and disappear.

Then he had a thought.

“I was thinking about coaching but I don’t think I could do that. I don’t want to stay in the skating world any longer. I want to leave my mark and that’s it,” Victor began and Helen hummed in response. “But then I thought, what if I don’t coach professional skaters, but I teach kids how to skate instead?”

Helen’s brows rose. “That’s not a bad idea, Victor,” She said with a smile. “What do you think about that?”

“I like it,” He said, nodding. The more he thought about it, the more he liked the idea. “I mean, anyone can teach if they know what they’re teaching, right? I can inspire a new generation of figure skaters!”

“That is fantastic, Victor,” Helen smiled. Her eyes diverted to the clock on the wall then back to Victor. “And perfect timing too. Our session has finished. How did you find it?”

 “It started off a little… bad. I’m still scared for tomorrow, but I do feel better!” He felt a lot better. He felt like he finally had a chance. “It’s nice to know I have some ideas on what to do with my future.”

“I’m glad you feel better,” Helen smiled. “I hope this competition goes well for you. Remember your breathing techniques and remember your goals. It seems we won’t see each other until next week.”

Victor nodded. He would only be missing one session, but he hoped it wouldn’t cause too much of a problem. He didn’t think it would. He met Helen’s eyes and smiled as he said, “Thank you for your help today. I… really do feel better.”

Helen smiled back. “How do you feel about your competition?” She then asked, throwing in a last question.

“I’m still scared. I’m still very, very scared,” Victor admitted as he swallowed hard. “But maybe I’ll be able to handle it better this time. I feel I might. I – Again, thank you.”

And when Victor left, he had a bounce to his steps and a little smile against his lips. He felt good. His mind still occasionally questioned his choices for his future, especially his career choices, but he felt good knowing he had an idea on where he _could_ go. It wasn’t certain, but he was more certain than before.

And he couldn’t wait to get home and tell Yuuri. Yuuri would be so proud of him for his achievement, and Victor was too.

 

* * *

 

They woke up early the next day with Victor’s suitcase finally packed, along with a few of Yuuri’s own clothes, and ready to leave.

At least, Victor was ready to leave. Yuuri didn’t join them again as he didn’t have a passport (And Victor wondered why neither himself or Yakov got that sorted out yet) but Victor didn’t doubt Yuuri would do his strange magic trick and arrive at the airport before he does. Victor came up with a few theories as to how Yuuri did that. A few were a little over the top with the mention of time travel and an alien spaceship, but most seemed logical, like traveling by train or car.

His main guess, which was one he felt proud of, was that Yuuri had a plane of his own that he could pilot. And as for why Yuuri never told him, Victor just assumed he was embarrassed by it.

His only confusion was the time. He could never work out how Yuuri got there before he did, but he tried hard not to question it too much. He trusted Yuuri would tell him one day since Yuuri had promised he would, so his answers will be solved eventually. Still, he couldn’t help but wonder.

He still couldn’t help but wonder a lot of things about Yuuri.

Like all the times when Victor would wake up for only a few seconds before falling back asleep, and he would always have the faint memory of Yuuri still being awake. Or the times where he had more food in his fridge than expected and he was almost certain that Yuuri didn’t eat that day. And sometimes Victor was certain Yuuri hadn’t even _showered_ for a week. But he always smelled fresh and clean, as if he showered every day.

Strange.

The strangest thing he could say was how quickly Yuuri’s cuts had healed. They were deep gashes along his skin – definitely not a wound that would heal in less than a week. Victor was completely happy that they healed as well as they had, but the fact that they healed so fast was something he couldn’t wrap his head around. And he couldn’t figure out why Yuuri begged him not to take him to the hospital. That made him question more.

He didn’t enjoy that Yuuri was keeping secrets from him but Victor trusted him enough to believe Yuuri when he says he will know. He may be stupid for giving Yuuri too much trust, but Yuuri earned it. Yet, he would be lying if he said it didn’t make him feel down. He didn’t need to think about that right now. The thought of having a competition was enough to cause him constant worry and a deep pit of anxiety at the back of his mind. He tried to think of positive thoughts, but sometimes they weren’t enough.

Their plane landed and Victor did his usual routine. He stepped off the plane with Yakov and Yuri, grabbed his suitcase, and left the two behind as he found Yuuri. It amazed him every time. At times like this, when he didn’t overthink who Yuuri could really be, it made it worth not asking those questions when the amazement hit.

And all he wanted to do when he felt Yuuri’s arms around him was to take him into their hotel room and spend an evening cuddled under the blankets with each other sharing sloppy, lazy kisses. Then when night would fall, he would let Yuuri have his way with him. Or he’d have his way with Yuuri. It didn’t matter. He wanted to make love. But that would have to wait. It wasn’t appropriate for him to do anything that could have him pull a muscle right before a competition. So, cuddling he could settle with.

Yakov let Victor head off with Yuuri. He noticed recently Yakov had been a lot more easier on him. Victor wasn’t particularly happy with that. He didn’t want Yakov to change the way he spoke to him. It made Victor feel as if Yakov was almost scared to say or do things around him. He just wanted Yakov to treat him how he used to. He missed those days. He reminded himself to talk to Yakov about that later.

They entered their hotel room and Victor didn’t bother with his suitcase. He just wanted to curl up to Yuuri. He found a lot of comfort in doing that, especially before a competition. He thought of making it a tradition but it would seem pointless if he were going to retire after the Grand Prix. He dropped his suitcase to the side, grabbed Yuuri by the hand and pulled him over to the bed. Yuuri smiled at him and Victor felt his heart soar.

He was stupidly in love.

Yuuri kept him close. His arms wrapped around Victor as he kept his head pressed to Yuuri’s neck. Yuuri started running his hand through Victor’s hair and Victor loved it. Every time it would ease his mind enough to nearly have him drift to sleep. This was how he wanted to stay. He wanted to lie there for the duration of the competition and just pretend that world didn’t exist. He wished he could just stay here and only go out there to skate, receive his score, be happy with whatever he got and then come back here. But that was wishful thinking.

So, he took bliss in the moment. And as his eyes met with Yuuri’s, Victor’s mind went straight to his future. Yuuri was definitely going to be there. He didn’t doubt that. Yuuri was his future and he hoped Yuuri felt the same way. He wanted to stay with Yuuri, to be with him until they are old and gray. It was the only thing he felt certain about. Being with Yuuri was his certainty.

He remembered his therapy session from the day before. He remembered Helen suggesting talking to Yuuri about their future. But he also remembered the promise. He wanted to wait with the promise. That was something he wanted to make special. Yuuri had done so much for him, he wanted to give Yuuri something in return. What, he didn’t know. But he would find something.

But right now, he could talk to Yuuri about their future. He wanted to try it and see what Yuuri would say. “Yuuri,” Victor mumbled against his neck. Yuuri hummed in response. “So, you remember how I told you about my therapy session yesterday?”

“I’m still proud of you,” Yuuri said and Victor could hear the smile in his voice. Victor bit his lip to hide his own.

“W-well,” Victor paused, trying to figure out how to word it. “Helen told me there is something I should discuss with you.”

Yuuri pulled back and Victor glanced up, meeting his eyes. Yuuri shifted back, moving to sit up and Victor did the same. There was the same concerned look he had in his eye every time Victor said Helen told him to talk about something. Yuuri’s brows dropped as he asked, “What is it?”

“You know how I said we were discussing my minor goal of figuring out my future?” Victor questioned and Yuuri nodded. “Well, there’s something I want to ask you. It’s about us.”

Yuuri blinked. “Okay.”

Victor’s heart was racing. Why was he feeling so nervous? He let out a nervous laugh to ease it but it only made it worse. He decided to just jump in the deep end and just say to Yuuri what he wanted. If Yuuri didn’t want the same, they could talk about it. It was what they were good at. They talk things through.

“I want to spend my life with you.”

Maybe that was a little _too_ far into the deep end. He more plunged into the ocean. But at least it wasn’t a marriage proposal.

Yuuri held the same look he did every time he was startled. He would blink rapidly before his brows would raise and his head would cock to the side. It was without a doubt the cutest thing Victor had ever seen. “You… do?”

Victor nodded. There was no point in hiding back his feelings now. But he never felt shameful expressing those types of feelings. He loved to flirt and express his love to Yuuri. “Yes,” He smiled. “I know that I want you to be there. I want us to be together for a long time, Yuuri. I – I hope you feel the same. I mean, we can talk it out if you don’t, but… well, that’s it, really.”

His mind didn’t catch up when he felt Yuuri press a soft kiss to his lips until Yuuri pulled back. But Victor went back in for another. He wanted another one. And a thousand more. They smiled warmly at each other and Victor thought it was incredible how beautiful Yuuri’s smile was.

“I want to be with you for a long time too,” Yuuri replied and Victor’s heart soared. Yuuri wanted the same. Yuuri wanted to be with him too. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

Victor felt he was finally feeling more and more certain about his future. He was certain he wanted to be with Yuuri but now knowing Yuuri wanted the same, he had no doubt anymore. He had an answer. He would spend a long time with Yuuri. While his career was still somewhat undecided, Yuuri was currently his future, and it felt good knowing he had someone there after his retirement.

Only he didn’t know when he would retire. As he said to Helen, he didn’t know if he would fail a competition in between now and the Grand Prix. If he does fail one, he would retire earlier than planned. At least he would have Yuuri with him. Yuuri would be there and Yuuri wasn’t leaving. Yuuri wasn’t going anywhere. Unlike everything else, Yuuri was there to stay.

And Victor felt Yuuri’s hands on his face. His thumb was rubbing along his cheekbones and Victor became aware of his tears in that moment. He didn’t even realize he was crying. He must be too used to it by now.

“Why are you crying?” Yuuri asked and Victor swallowed hard.

“I don’t know.” He didn’t know. He didn’t know if it was from his happiness of knowing Yuuri would be there, or the sadness of his retirement possibly being in a few days, or a few months from now. Maybe it was the fact that he was finally certain of something.

He didn’t know.

And Yuuri pulled him in, allowing Victor to cry into his chest. His sobs ripped through his body, shaking his shoulders with each cry that hiccupped out. He still hated it when he cried and he didn’t know why. It made him feel he didn’t have control over his emotions. But at least now he could narrow it down to a few possibilities.

But when his cries died down to the occasional sob and sniffles, he felt an emotional weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He didn’t feel too nervous about his skate anymore. He didn’t feel so scared of his future, either.

He felt a little more at peace and Victor wanted to bask in it just that little bit longer.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND WE'RE AT WORLDS AND LIFE IS GOING TO BE GREAT AND FANTASTIC AND VICTOR WILL DO HIS DARN BEST...  
> ˚‧º·(˚ ˃̣̣̥᷄⌓˂̣̣̥᷅ )‧º·˚


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we are at the World Championships!  
> As usual, here's the not-so relevant information regarding this event.
> 
> I'm going by 2017 World Championship, held in Helsinki, Finland
> 
> Men's short program: 03.30.17  
> Men's free skate: 04.01.17  
> And those are the dates for the men's skate!
> 
> That's the timeline I'm going with. I hope it doesn't bother anyone! It's probably inaccurate, but hey. As I said, the timeline isn't too important to know!

 

 

Victor’s soul wasn’t so much of a mess anymore. It had some order to it as if he had cleaned it out and tidied everything up.

But Yuuri knew Victor couldn’t have accessed his soul and cleaned it by himself. He needed help to do that, and he had it. He had his therapy. He had the support he received. And Victor was finally getting a grasp on how he is feeling, finding an order, and learning how to handle his emotions. Victor was finding ways to cope and that would soon help his soul recover some more.

And Yuuri hoped it would be enough to help him through this competition. He hoped that the techniques Helen had taught Victor would help him cope and control his emotions. He hoped it was enough to keep his soul intact. And that it would help him handle everything better than he had previous competitions.

Yuuri didn’t know if Victor could, but he would be damned if he wasn’t going to try and continue to help Victor.

When Victor woke up the next day, Yuuri kept a close eye on his soul. It was still intact, but there was a shot of fear and reluctance that ran through it. And today was one of those days where Victor struggled to get out of bed. Yuuri didn’t know if it was one of his bad days or if he wanted to hide away just that little bit longer, but regardless, Victor had no choice but to get up soon.

Today was the day. Victor had his performance to skate. While Yakov had been easy with Victor recently, he wasn’t going to be _this_ easy with Victor and let him stay in bed right before he had to skate.

So Yuuri wanted to give Victor some support. He wanted to give Victor a little bit of happiness, even if it didn’t help him get up. As long as he made Victor smile, Yuuri would call it a success. It made him think back to when Victor had one of his very bad days. He was lying in bed, not wanting to even talk to Yuuri that day. It had been an accident. Yuuri didn’t plan what happened in the slightest, but when he misinterpreted where the edge of the bed was and fell backward and off the bed completely, he had gotten a weak laugh and a smile out of Victor.

It didn’t do much for his soul. It only brightened it up a little for a few moments, barely keeping itself bright for ten minutes before it fell back to how it was before. But it had made Victor laugh and smile, and even if it was the weakest attempt, it was worth trying again.

“Victor,” Yuuri smiled and lied by Victor’s side. Victor kept his eyes closed but brought the comforter up closer to his chin. Yuuri smiled and sang, “ _Victor_ ~” His fingertip tapped Victor’s nose. Victor scrunched his face but didn’t move. Yuuri tapped it again and Victor let out a huff before pulling the cover over his face. Yuuri eyed the body under the cover, wondering what he could do next.

Yuuri’s eyes fell on the mop of silver hair that stuck out from under the sheets and Yuuri had an idea and a mischievous grin. He raised his hand slowly, trying hard not to alert Victor of his movements. Then, his finger came down and pressed to the crown of Victor’s head. And he held it there.

The covers over Victor’s face slowly pulled down. He looked at Yuuri with a blank stare, showing nothing but a lifeless expression. Then his eyes squeezed shut and a smile broke out across his face as he exhaled a laugh. It wasn’t as loud as he had hoped, nor was it as genuine, but Victor smiled and laughed and Yuuri felt happy with himself.

He moved his finger and laid his head beside Victor’s. Victor turned to face Yuuri, moving forward to kiss him. That had been the most Victor moved all morning and Yuuri felt he had achieved something. Yuuri hummed as he smiled. “Good morning.”

“I feel like I should be saying that to you,” Victor replied. His eyes scanned the room quickly before he said, “What time is it?”

“Nearly nine,” Yuuri answered and Victor sighed heavily. He should have out of the room by seven. Victor pushed himself up and it looked as if it was a lot of effort. Victor’s head hung as he breathed. His hand rubbed over his face, keeping it there as he continued to breathe. “How are you?”

Victor’s hand dropped to his lap as he turned to face Yuuri. “I’m… terrified. I just – just can’t shake this feeling that today isn’t going to go well…” He paused to bite his lip. “But all the points are in the free skate. If I do bad today, I’ll just keep reminding myself that it’s the free skate that counts.”

Victor feeling like today wasn’t going to go well had Yuuri quake with nerves. He couldn’t stop thinking about this being it – this could be the competition Victor fails. But then, it couldn’t. He didn’t know, and he wouldn’t know for another two days when Victor skates his free skate. But regardless of that, Yuuri noticed Victor was looking for the positives. He was looking for ways to cope with a bad score and that gave Yuuri some confidence that Victor would be able to cope if he did fall.

But he tried hard not to think of that.

Eventually, Yakov came knocking at their door. Yuuri went over to answer it and let the man in. He didn’t yell at Victor when he saw him still in bed. He only went over and sat beside Victor, talking to him. Yuuri stayed out of their way. It wasn’t a conversation for him to intrude on, nor was it for him to eavesdrop. After he eavesdropped on Victor’s therapy session, he’s forced himself to have more self-control. It wasn’t right for him to have done that.

After a while, Victor got up from the bed and Yakov’s face held a pleased look. Yuuri could only assume it was because he helped Victor get up. While Victor moved to get changed, Yakov had grabbed his skates and when Victor was ready, Yuuri followed them out of the hotel and to the rink. He didn’t want to separate from Victor. Not while he had to compete today.

Yakov had originally planned to get Victor some extra skating time in but he had been too late. And Yuuri narrowed his eyes towards Victor, curious if he had planned that. But he decided it wasn’t worth the worry and he chose to forget about it. He wanted to stay beside Victor for the rest of the morning. He found he never spent a lot of time with him during competitions. Victor would either be skating or he would be dragged off somewhere by Yakov to do interviews or speak to people Victor probably didn’t speak to.

And even when Victor was pulled away from Yuuri, he stayed as close to Victor as possible, because as long as his presence was there, he knew it would be enough to make Victor feel that little better. He would know just from the looks Victor would give him throughout the day.

When the time came for them both to part, Yuuri did as he usually does and sat up on the bleachers. He distracted himself and his impatience by watching the world move. He found it interesting. There were so many souls – so many that it made Yuuri feel a little overwhelmed. He didn’t understand why. He often saw that many souls and more when he looked up at the night sky. But then he came to realize why he felt so overwhelmed. He feared their judgment of Victor. And if this was the competition Victor would fail, he didn’t want to see how their souls would react, or how they would feel.

He then heard a laugh that was too loud for it to be around him, distracting his mind from his worries. It echoed above the crowds but it was light and delicate, as if it belonged to a child. He turned, eyes scanning the area behind him. He only saw other humans and their souls, none of which needed help moving on or were even dead. He turned back to the ice rink. He couldn’t see a lost soul so he assumed it was nothing.

“Hey, mister!” Yuuri heard and he spun around. He caught the eyes of a young girl poking her head around the entrance to the rink. They met eyes and the girl giggled and ran off. Yuuri blinked. She had to have been a lost soul. It didn’t make sense for her to be calling for him for no reason.

He tried to focus but his mind was elsewhere. He couldn’t think straight. He glanced back at the rink then back to the door where he saw the little girl standing again, waiting for him to follow her. If she was a lost soul, he had to help her. But he didn’t want to miss Victor’s skate. He couldn’t miss his skate, not this time.

But the soul…

He sighed hard before he got to his feet and followed the girl, who laughed when Yuuri came closer and ran off. Yuuri decided he would deal with the spirit now and get it out of the way. He’ll listen out for Victor’s name to be announced and when it does, he’ll worry about the spirit later. Or use force.

Yuuri mentally told himself off for that. He shouldn’t do that. She was a child – he definitely shouldn’t force her to move on. He’ll just get it out of the way before Victor had to skate. He’ll have one less thing to worry about.

He turned the corner and looked around. There were a few people hanging around but none who were the little girl he was looking for. He then stared down the hall, eyes falling on the young girl. She laughed and waved him over. “Come on, slow poke!” She yelled before spinning on her heel and running further down the hall and to the left.

Yuuri sighed. He didn’t have time for her games. His feet hit the ground with loud claps as he stormed down the hallway. This wasn’t fast enough. He couldn’t catch up to her this way. He turned for a moment, only to check if anyone was watching him before he walked through the veil of life and into the afterlife, invisible and unknown to everyone around him. He turned the corner and she was further down the hall. She jumped on the spot, clapping her hands. As she turned her heel to run again, Yuuri had enough.

Before she even realized he was suddenly in front of her, she ran straight into his legs. She took a couple of steps back and blinked, staring up at Yuuri with wide eyes. Then she giggled and said, “Hey, that’s cheating, mister!”

“I – I’m not really the right person to play games with,” Yuuri told the girl. She pouted as she crossed her arms, sulking at what Yuuri had said. Yuuri ignored her reaction and cleared his throat. He needed to move her on. “You – uh – you shouldn’t be here by yourself.”

The girl turned her head away and shrugged. “I don’t care.” Before Yuuri could speak, the girl turned to him with a sudden smile on her face and said, “Hey! We should play hide and seek! Just don’t cheat like you did just now.”

The girl baffled Yuuri. She seemed to acknowledge what he says but chooses to ignore them moments later. And her sudden change in emotion seemed rather strange to Yuuri. He wondered what kind of life she lived when she was alive.

Which then made Yuuri wonder how he should approach her. He usually let kids stay ignorant to their death, but something about this girl made him think that she already knew. He stared down at her, trying to work it out but he couldn’t. Nothing gave him a hint.

He chose to ask instead. He shook his head at her and said, “I don’t want to play hide and seek.” She pouted again and Yuuri continued. “I just want to know… have you died?”

She stared up at him, blinking. “Yeah. How did you know that?”

Yuuri breathed in and prepared himself. He was going to be straight forward and blunt with her. If she was aware she was dead, she might move on quicker if she knew he was Death. He looked her in the eyes, smiled and said. “It’s because I am Death. Do you know what that means?”

The girl stifled her laugh behind her hand. “No, you’re not, silly!”

Yuuri face dropped as he blinked. “What?” He asked. Of course, he was Death. That little girl couldn’t tell him if he was or wasn’t. She would have no idea. Then his mind started to overthink and he began to fear she was the Universe. He asked himself what if she was the Universe and she was trying to tell him he was no longer Death, that he was human. Yuuri felt his chest pull as his head shook side to side. “No. No, I’m Death. Of course, I am.”

“But you can hear me. You’re so silly!” The girl giggled and Yuuri let out a breath of relief. She thought he had meant deaf. She was just making a joke. Yuuri pressed his hand to his chest and took a long, deep breath. He had to calm down.

“N-no. I mean, I’m the… Grim Reaper,” He felt himself internally cringe at the name. He hated that name even more now. “I’m not, you know, hearing deaf.”

The girl stared at Yuuri. Her mouth formed a perfect O. “…Oh,” She blinked. There was a long pause as Yuuri waited. “Do I have to go now?”

“And next on the ice, we have Victor Nikiforov!” The announcers' voice boomed through the walls and Yuuri’s head spun. His chest raced. He needed to get back to Victor. He needed to watch his performance. But as he stared back at the little girl, he knew he needed to get her to move on.

He frantically nodded his head. “Yes. Yes, you do, please.” Yuuri was desperate. He needed her to go right now. He can’t leave her hanging around any longer, but he couldn’t miss Victor’s skate. He glanced back, his chest ached when he heard the loud applause.

“Are you okay, mister?” The girl asked and Yuuri stared back at her. He was going to be blunt with her. If it works, great. If it doesn’t, he’ll work it out after.

“My lover is about to skate and I need to watch him. But I can’t if you’re still here,” Yuuri said and the girl stared wide eyed. “Please. He’s special to me.”

He can’t believe he did that. He begged a spirit to move on. He had never in the many years he had existed, _ever_ begged a spirit to move on. Not like the way he had just now. The girl didn’t react. She only stared at Yuuri with dropped brows and her head cocked to the side. Yuuri breathed in and showed her the light. He hoped it was enough.

She stared at it, then turned back to Yuuri with a bright smile on her face. “My grandma is there!” She turned back to the light and ran towards it, disappearing in an instant. And Yuuri didn’t hesitate when he ran himself, spinning on his heel and running back into the rink. He would dwell on what he did later. Right now, he needed to see Victor.

He ran up to the sidelines and saw Victor moving on the ice. The moment his eyes fell on Victor, he didn’t tear them away. He arrived just as Victor launched for a jump, spinning in the air fast. Yuuri felt his breath. If he wasn’t watching, the crowd wincing with Victor as he hit the ice would have been enough for Yuuri to know what happened.

But Victor pushed himself to his feet and he continued. He danced but it was nothing like before. He couldn’t keep up with the music. His movements were frantic and fast as he tried to keep up. He was rigid and stiff, sloppy and his movements were everywhere. His feet didn’t seem to know where they stood or moved. And Victor’s face held a tight frown, his brows dropped as he concentrated hard. Yuuri’s chest ached and his eyes filled with tears. He knew this was it.

And Victor moved for a jump. He launched into the air and the crowd held their breath. Victor’s foot hit the ice but his angle was wrong. His spin was wrong. It was all wrong. And he fell, landing on the ice with a loud thump as his body glided along it. And Yuuri watched as Victor laid there on the ice. The music continued playing and the crowds still watched him, but he didn’t get up. Paramedics moved to the side, eyes on Victor with fear that he injured himself. But when Victor raised his head and his eyes met with the crowd around him, he knew too.

His soul didn’t break. It didn’t hurt or grow with sorrow. His soul didn’t change which was still nothing but a relief to Yuuri. But his soul did do something.

It stilled.

It was frozen, unmoving as all his emotions came to a stop. They didn’t fight against each other. They didn’t move with harmony or change pitch. It stilled. It went silent. It was numb.

Victor stood to his feet and the music came to its end. He looked around him. His eyes searched through the crowds as if he was desperately looking for one person to clap and cheer for him – but nobody did. The crowd was as silent as Victor’s soul was. The crowd was shocked, stunned to a silence as they knew too. And Yuuri sucked in a breath and bit back his cry.

This was all his fault. He couldn’t help Victor.

Victor skated to the edge of the rink and there was a silence in between that felt like an eternity. Then Victor’s face appeared on screen, sat beside Yakov who’s hand was over his shoulder. He was saying something to Victor and Yuuri didn’t doubt they were words of reassurance. But then, Victor’s score displayed on the screen and the crowd itself gasped along with Yuuri.

Victor Nikiforov’s short program score was a total of 36.39. It wasn’t just the lowest score that Victor had ever achieved, but it had been one of the lowest scores in figure skating for years. And Victor only stared at his score. His face didn’t falter, even when Yakov squeezed his shoulder, Victor remained stoic.

Then there was a light applause. The claps echoed until it became louder, more people cheering and clapping for Victor. Yuuri looked around, wondering what their applause was for. Did they appreciate Victor’s efforts? Were they happy Victor had fallen? Yuuri didn’t know, but he hoped it was good. He hoped their applause were for Victor and not against him.

But Victor continued to stare. He didn’t smile or wave, he just… blanked.

Yuuri had seen him like that before. The first competition Yuuri joined him at when Victor landed fourth place. He was silent back then. He was still and blank when he received his score, but this was different. This was so much more different. Victor still felt something back then.  His soul still ached with emotions.

But now Victor didn’t feel anything and Yuuri didn’t know if he was going to stay like that, or self-destruct.

Yuuri turned on his heel and left. He needed to get to Victor. He needed to be with Victor and make sure he’ll be okay. He wasn’t okay now, but Yuuri didn’t know how he would be when alone. Yuuri didn’t know how he would be in an hour, or two, or if he would ever be okay. All Yuuri knew was that he needed to get to Victor. Because Victor needed Yuuri.

He came to a stop when he saw Yakov walking up to him. The lack of Victor behind him sent chills down Yuuri’s spine. Yuuri stepped forward and before Yakov could speak, Yuuri asked, “Where’s Victor?”

And Yakov glanced over his shoulder. “What?” He turned back to Yuuri, brows dropped and eyes full of panic. “He was just here. I told him to follow me. That stupid boy, when I find him…” Yakov fell silent as he ran a hand down his face. Yuuri could feel the inside of his chest ripping. Victor walked off. Victor was alone. Yuuri didn’t know what Victor would do.

He snapped out of his panic when his mind reminded him why he was looking in the first place. “We need to find Victor,” Yuuri demanded and Yakov nodded without hesitation. Yuuri stared around him, staring at all of the souls he could see and it gave him a thought. “Uh, Yakov. You try and look where I can’t and I’ll check outside.”

Yakov nodded. “Okay.” He turned before pausing. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a phone, handing it to Yuuri. “This is my personal phone. If you find Victor, call me on my business phone. If I find him, I’ll call you. Keep me updated.” Before Yuuri could ask questions, Yakov turned and left Yuuri alone.

Yuuri sighed heavily and pocketed the phone. He breathed in, easing the ache in his chest. It couldn’t be too hard for him to find Victor. He could pick Victor’s soul out of the thousands. It would stand out to him. But as Yuuri looked around him, eyes jumping from one soul to another, he couldn’t see it. So Yuuri walked further around the arena, eyes scanning each soul he saw, hoping that one of them would be Victor’s.

Why Victor would decide to go off by himself, Yuuri didn’t know. He didn’t understand a lot still but he felt he still wouldn’t understand that even if he _did_ know a lot. He wondered perhaps Victor needed his space. But then his mind flashed back to Europeans. He remembered how far Victor fell back then. And Yuuri feared a repeat.

“Yuuri?” He heard a voice behind him and Yuuri turned, eyes falling on Chris. Yuuri didn’t realize Chris was here too. “Yuuri, where’s Victor?”

It seemed he and Yakov weren’t the only ones looking for Victor. Yuuri shook his head. “I don’t know.” He didn’t realize the tremble in his voice until he spoke. “He was with Yakov then suddenly, he wasn’t, and we don’t know where he is.”

Chris breathed in hard. He pressed his lips together as he turned, eyes scanning the area. “You really can’t know anywhere he would go to?” Chris asked. Yuuri had a thought… but he can’t see Victor doing a repeat of France. He hoped not. God, he desperately hoped not.

Before Yuuri could shake his head, he felt a hand around his arm, spinning him. He stared into the panicked, angry face of Yuri. “Where the hell is Victor?!” His voice shook just as much as Yuuri’s. He was almost as scared as Chris and Yakov combined.

“We don’t know,” Chris answered. Yuuri needed to leave. He couldn’t stand around any longer. The less he was walking, the longer it was taking for him to find Victor.

“Look around the rink,” Yuuri told the two in hopes they might leave. “He might be there. If not, try some bathrooms or whatever you have back where the skaters are. Tell Yakov if you find him, okay?”

The two nodded and left, leaving Yuuri with a breath he could finally catch and the freedom to leave the arena altogether. He stepped foot outside. The cold wind bit at his face but it was neither a bother or a worry. Nothing else mattered besides Victor – not that soul he did badly helping to move on, or any other soul that needed to leave. Victor was his only concern.

There were just as many souls outside as there were in the rink. There was a city full of life, souls varying from different forms, looks, brightness, and emotions. He cared for none of them. He cared for nothing but his Victor and as Yuuri walked further away from the rink, he had a thought.

Victor might just want to be alone. And Yuuri knew that if he wanted to be alone, he would want to go back to his and Victor’s room. Nobody would disturb him then. Yuuri glanced around him, making sure nobody noticed him before he disappeared in a blink of an eye.

And then he was in a hallway. He was standing in front of a door and sat inside he saw the soul he’d been looking for. He found Victor and Victor was safe, and Yuuri finally let out a breath. The weight in his pocket suddenly became heavier, the reminder to call Yakov played on his mind. Yuuri’s hand reached into his pocket and as his eyes landed on Yakov’s phone.

He stared down at the phone with a slight fear of doing something wrong but he pushed the fear back. He still couldn’t work phones out but he could make guesses until he did something right. He swiped the screen, knowing to do that. His eyes fell on a button that looked like a phone and Yuuri put two and two together and clicked on it.

He almost dropped the phone when he saw how many contacts Yakov had on just his personal phone alone. He didn’t need to waste time doing this. Victor needed him. But he couldn’t leave Yakov unanswered. He said he would contact him when he found Victor, and he was going to do so. He scrolled through the list of names and assumed Yakov would call his other phone by his name. His eyes fell on the name that read ‘Yakov (Business)’ and Yuuri shrugged, clicked on the name and the phone rang.

He pressed the phone to his ear the second Yakov answered. “Did you find Vitya?”

Yuuri nodded before realizing Yakov couldn’t see him. “Uh, yeah. Yeah, he’s at our hotel room.” Yakov let out a loud sigh of relief. “I think he wants to be alone, I don’t…”

“I’ll come up in an hour. Look after him.”

“Always,” Yuuri said. He didn’t doubt that, ever. “Shall I keep you updated on how he is?”

“Text me. I won’t be able to answer,” Yakov said. “An hour. Let Victor know that too.” And when Yuuri heard silence, he knew the call had ended. He pocketed the phone and looked up, staring at the door that stood in the way of him and Victor.

Yuuri breathed in a deep breath before he stepped forward. His hand touched the door handle and it clicked. The door slowly crept open and Yuuri glanced inside. His eyes fell on a figure lying on the bed and Yuuri knew it was Victor. He was still in the outfit he wore when he was skating, only he had his jacket on. His skates were still on his feet with the guards on, keeping the blades safe. And Yuuri breathed out. Victor was safe.

But he wasn’t okay. Not in the slightest.

Yuuri stepped in and closed the door behind him. He walked over to Victor, circling the bed and kneeled on the side Victor was facing. Victor’s eyes moved to look at Yuuri, but they held nothing to them. They held no emotion, no affection, no pain. They were… blank.

But Yuuri was going to try and bring some emotion back. His hand touched Victor’s cheek, his thumb stroked along his cheekbone before moving to slip into his hair. Victor didn’t move with the touch. He didn’t react to Yuuri’s fingers running through his hair. He only stared.

And Yuuri wanted to bring something back to him. He wanted to bring back that affectionate look that held in his eyes. He wanted to bring back Victor’s happiness and his kindness – everything that made Victor who he was.

"You are the most strongest person I have ever met," Yuuri spoke and he didn’t realize. His mind spoke and his mouth ran with it. But it sounded good. It sounded positive. So, Yuuri continued. “You can get through this. This will only be a minor stop in your life. And it’s a life we’re going to spend together, remember?”

There was no movement on his face, but Yuuri watched as Victor’s head slowly moved up and down, nodding. Yuuri let out his smile. He was trying. He was really trying and Yuuri was so proud of him. He moved forward, kissing Victor’s forehead softly, letting the touch linger.

He then moved. He knew some ways to help Victor while he was in this state and he knew that he wanted to get Victor into some proper clothes and under a blanket. He sat down beside Victor, ran his hand up Victor’s arm and said, “We should get you changed. Can you sit up for me, please?”

Victor closed his eyes and sighed heavily. He rolled to his back and Yuuri helped him as he pulled himself up. There was little effort on Victor’s part. It was mostly Yuuri helping him up. When Victor was sat up, Yuuri pulled off his jacket then went behind him, unzipping the back of his costume and helping Victor pull himself out of it. He then sat with only the top off.

Yuuri then moved to Victor’s suitcase. He searched through it to find some good clothes for Victor – finding a shirt and pants before returning back to Victor’s side. He slipped the shirt over Victor’s body, helping him slip into it. He then pulled off Victor’s skates, throwing them to the side and tugged off the rest of his costume. He helped Victor get into some pants before laying him back down. He laid the comforter over Victor’s body, helping him get comfortable.

Yuuri moved on the bed and sat beside Victor. He glanced down at him and asked, “Do you want me to lie down with you?” Victor shook his head. Yuuri pulled a face to think. “Do you want me to sit with you?” Victor nodded and Yuuri sat back against the headboard, sitting beside Victor.

Victor moved, rolling to Yuuri’s side. He rested his head against Yuuri’s hip, burying as close as possible to Yuuri’s side. Yuuri ran his hand through Victor’s hair, brushing away the hairs on his face. Victor closed his eyes and sighed, feeling some comfort from Yuuri’s touch.

And they stayed like that. Victor didn’t move and neither did Yuuri. Victor still had yet to say something to Yuuri. He was still just as silent as he was when Yuuri arrived, but he wasn’t alone anymore. Victor wasn’t dealing with this by himself and Yuuri was going to keep it that way. He didn’t want Victor to ever be alone during a time like this.

“Yakov will be up soon,” Yuuri said. Victor didn’t respond. “Would you like to see him?” Victor was still for a moment, but then he shook his head. He didn’t want to see Yakov and Yuuri weren't sure if he was happy to let that go. “Are you sure? He’s really concerned about you. And so are Yuri and Chris.”

Victor glanced up to meet Yuuri’s eyes and Yuuri still couldn’t read a thing. Victor’s soul remained silent and frozen, numb to his own emotions. He couldn’t read Victor. He couldn’t tell what he was thinking or what his soul was feeling. He was distant, far away from where they were and Yuuri knew this couldn’t be healthy.

But then he couldn’t force Victor to speak to them. He couldn’t put Victor through that if it wasn’t what he wanted. As much as he didn’t want Victor to distance himself from everyone, he couldn’t force Victor either.

“I’ll tell them you don’t want to see them,” Yuuri said and Victor pressed himself back to Yuuri. Yuuri then had a thought. “But I do want you to speak to them before we leave. Can you do that for me, please?” He wanted Victor to at least make an effort to see them, even if he didn’t say anything. Victor didn’t answer immediately, but then he let out a faint sigh and nodded his head.

Victor cooperated and Yuuri felt pleased with that. He pulled out Yakov’s phone and tried to figure out _how_ to send a text but he couldn’t work it out. He didn’t want to ask Victor either, but in the end, he had no choice. He had asked Victor, who only raised his head and tapped a few buttons before resting back down. Yuuri stared at the screen, seeing words on the bottom that he could write with.

After his third attempt and realizing that ‘space’ on the long bar at the bottom meant a space in between words, he finally managed to send a text to Yakov. And he received a message quicker than it took him to send one. It was Yakov asking why Victor didn’t want to see him. Yuuri glanced down at him for only a second before replying back.

He would see him. Yuuri promised Yakov that. But today wasn’t that day.

The day slowly came to an end and it got to the point where Yuuri was concerned over Victor’s lack of food he ate. Yuuri glanced down at Victor, ready to ask if he had wanted anything, but his eyes were closed. His face was relaxed, his breathing deep and at peace and Yuuri realized he had fallen asleep. He wasn’t overly fond that Victor had slept without eating, but he hoped that Victor would communicate a little more the next day. He hoped Victor just needed to sleep it off.

He really hoped Victor would be okay.

So Yuuri shifted carefully to lie by Victor’s side. He pulled Victor close and Victor subconsciously grabbed hold of Yuuri, pulling his own body close as he rested his head against Yuuri’s chest. Yuuri closed his eyes, hoping that for once, he could sleep through this. He prayed that for just one night, he could sleep alongside Victor so he didn’t have to stay awake all night, letting the guilt and the pain eat away inside.

He could only blame himself for what Victor was going through.

And as Yuuri kept his eyes closed, waiting for the sleep that would never come to hopefully take him, he kept Victor close. He held onto Victor and he swore he would never let him go. He swore to himself that when Victor’s soul felt something again, when Victor got back to how well he had improved before, Yuuri would tell him the truth. Victor deserved that much.

He just hoped that this numbness against his soul was temporary, that it would subside soon. It had once before, but this was worse. He could only hope and support Victor as much as he needs to.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ˚‧º·(˚ ˃̣̣̥᷄⌓˂̣̣̥᷅ )‧º·˚ 
> 
> Ohhhh boy, more sad, angsty chapters are ahead of us! I was going to make this chapter longer than I had planned, but then I wouldn't be able to get it up and ready for today! But hey, I like to keep on schedule ;D


	22. Chapter 22

 

 

When the sun rose on the second day, Yuuri became aware of two things.

The first was that regardless that Victor slept throughout the entire night nearly completely undisturbed, his soul neither improved or worsened. It remained numb. It didn’t try to fight against the stillness that fell. Yuuri decided that it was a good thing his soul didn’t worsen, but he wasn’t too happy that it didn’t improve either.

The second, Victor continued to be silent. He had first woken up at four AM, having to get up to use the bathroom. When he woke up, Yuuri pretending he did too. He watched Victor’s soul as he stepped into the bathroom. He counted down the seconds. He was making sure Victor was using the bathroom and nothing more. But then Victor returned moments later and Yuuri felt relieved. When Victor had met his eyes, he still didn’t say a word. He stayed silent as he curled back under the cover, but not by Yuuri’s side like he always did.

That didn’t make Yuuri feel great.

Yuuri pulled Victor back in and he didn’t protest. Yuuri wanted to remind Victor how much he cared for him. He chose to spend the rest of the morning speaking words of encouragement to Victor. He didn’t know if they were any help or if they were as encouraging as he hoped, but Yuuri was trying. And he will continue to try without hesitation.

When the sun fully rose in the sky, the early morning haze slowly fading as the day progressed, Yuuri became aware that he still had Yakov’s phone when he heard a sudden loud ringing from his pocket. It startled Victor awake in a sudden. His breath hitched as his head shot up, taking in the sudden sound. He glared towards the noise in Yuuri’s pocket. Yuuri pulled out the phone and glanced at the caller ID. It was Yakov.

He tapped the green button that answered the call and as he pressed the phone to his ear, he heard Yakov’s voice ask, “How is he?”

Yuuri glanced at Victor who rested his head back down and closed his eyes. Yuuri ran his fingers through Victor’s hair, soothing Victor back into his sleep. “He’s tired,” Yuuri answered, unsure how else to explain how Victor was. “I think he’s just gotten really worn down.”

“Does he want to see me today?” Yakov asked and Yuuri didn’t know how to answer. He looked down at Victor’s sleeping form. He should ask Victor first, but he didn’t want to wake him. But he also knew that Victor would say no and Yuuri thought it would be best if Victor did talk to Yakov. If it didn’t happen now, he wouldn’t know how long Victor could try to avoid the man.

Yuuri sighed heavily, shaking his head to himself. “I’ll go with no, but I think you should come up here anyway.” Yuuri had a thought. It didn’t matter if Victor said nothing to Yakov, and least Yakov would be able to see him. “Although, he might not say anything. He hasn’t spoken to me since I got here.”

He heard a heavy sigh through the speakers. “Okay. I’ll be up in the next hour. Let Vitya know that, yes?”

Yuuri nodded and reminded himself that once again, Yakov couldn’t see him. “Uh, Yes. Of course.” He said and then the call ended. Yuuri put the phone to the side, deciding against putting it in his pocket this time.

He stared back down at Victor. He needed to get him up. He had been sleeping since early last night. Yuuri still didn’t know much about humans and their sleep, but he felt that there wasn’t something right about Victor sleeping for as long as he had. Victor never slept that much, even when he was drained and tired from practice.

Yuuri’s hand touched Victor’s shoulder as he gently shook him. “Victor,” Yuuri said, shaking his arm. Victor inhaled deep and opened his eyes, staring up at Yuuri. He struggled to keep his eyes open and Yuuri gently brushed Victor’s hair from his face as he said, “Yakov’s going to come up soon. Can you stay awake for me, please?”

Victor only replied with a shrug before he rolled to his side, turning his back to Yuuri. Victor was blocking him out. He wasn’t trying. Yuuri wondered how long he would be like this. He hoped Yakov could get Victor to say something. As long as Victor spoke, even if it was once, Yuuri could call that a success. If Yakov couldn’t, then Yuuri worried that Victor would stay like this for even longer.

But Victor couldn’t be like this forever. At least, Yuuri hoped not. He couldn’t let that happen. He would try his hardest to make sure Victor’s soul saw the light and the shine it had once before. Because Victor deserved so much happiness.

Yuuri moved with Victor. He pressed his chest to Victor’s back, circling his arm around Victor’s waist and pulled him close. He gave Victor light kisses along his back, neck, and hair, reminding Victor that Yuuri was there and that Yuuri wasn’t going anywhere. Yuuri was never going to leave Victor. For as long as Victor lived, for as long as Yuuri existed, he wasn’t going to let Victor go.

And that feeling Yuuri couldn’t understand felt strong. It was deep in the pit of his stomach and the front of Yuuri’s mind. It was right there. It was right at the tip of his tongue and Yuuri felt he should know what it was by now. He felt he should know what the feeling was and why he was feeling it, but it continued to remain a mystery.

Perhaps there was something wrong with him but it didn’t feel like something that was bad. It felt good. It felt nice, warm, and deep. It made his chest stop for a moment. It made him feel he was walking on air and floating on water. And that feeling, he felt it every time he glanced Victor’s way. He felt it each night while Victor was in his arms and the world quietened down to a hushed silence.

He could hear the word, but he couldn’t understand the language.

There was a knock on their door and Yuuri raised his head, glancing towards it. He got up and opened it, eyes falling on Yakov who stood on the other side. He let the man in.

The first thing Yakov did when his eyes fell on Victor was let out a deep breath. Victor glanced over his shoulder but turned back when he saw it was Yakov. He didn’t seem to want to know. Yuuri moved to kneel by the bed. Yakov followed behind, sitting on the edge of the bed, both beside Victor. Victor’s eyes glanced between the two but he didn’t speak or move.

“Vitya,” Yakov began, “Listen, this isn’t the end of your career, yes? There is other stuff you can do. And you can do anything, Vitya. Do you understand?”

Victor only stared at Yakov. Yuuri slipped his hand into Victor’s, gripping his fingers between his own to show his support. Yuuri squeezed, but Victor didn’t make any attempt to hold on. His grip was weak. He didn’t hold on as tightly as he used to.

“Vitya, talk to me, please,” Yakov tried. Yuuri and Yakov then met eyes, sharing an equally worried look. Yakov turned back to Victor. “Just tell us what you want. If you tell us, we will comply. Just talk to us, Vitya.”

Victor then took in a deep breath, closing his eyes as he found temporary bliss in the moment. He let out the long breath, opened his eyes and met Yakov’s stare. “I just –” Victor’s voice was hoarse. He cleared his throat and tried again. “I just want to hide away until we go home. I just don’t… feel like talking right now.”

And when Yuuri felt Victor’s hand tighten around his own, he saw Victor’s soul move. It was a little shake, nothing that caused a huge change or a jump in his recovery, but there was a movement. And although it was the smallest movement, Yuuri felt that hint of appreciation when Victor tightened his grip. Victor had felt _something_. His soul was still numb and silent, but there was something trying to fight.

Yuuri then had a thought. Victor couldn’t hide away until they got home. He still had his free skate to do. He turned to Yakov, brows dropped as he said, “How can we let Victor hide away?” Yakov gave Yuuri a questionable look. “Victor has another skate tomorrow, doesn’t he?”

Victor’s eyes closed as his brows dropped. Yuuri glanced between Victor and Yakov, who was only shaking his head. Yakov let out a sigh before he said, “He didn’t advance to free skating.”

And all Yuuri could do was blink. Victor didn’t make it to his free skate. “…What?” Yuuri didn’t completely understand, but he could only assume it meant Victor was out of the competition completely. Then Yakov explained it to him.

“He came in last place,” Yakov began and Yuuri paid close attention. “If you’re below 24th place, you can’t advance to free skating. Only your points for your short program will count. This means Victor’s out of the competition, completely.”

And that hit Yuuri harder than a ton of bricks. He knew as soon as he saw Victor fail his last jump that his consequence had hit today. But hearing those words come from Yakov, it made the situation seem even more real. It was final. The Universe wasn’t going to prolong Victor’s consequence. The Universe wasn’t going to make Victor suffer with a consequence any longer. This was it.

And now it was over.

Yuuri didn’t know how he felt. His mind was all over the place. He knew he felt guilt. He felt horrible that he caused this and it was eating away at his every thought. If he had just let Victor know, maybe he wouldn’t have fallen so hard. But Yuuri couldn’t know how Victor would react. He couldn’t know if Victor would decide his life wasn’t worth anything if he knew he would fail at skating. He couldn’t know if Victor would have never wanted to see Yuuri again if he knew. And there was more. There were so many reasons Yuuri could come up with that made him _not_ want to tell Victor, and they all scared him.

But now it was all over, he felt relief. He felt pleased that Victor wasn’t going to push himself too much or suffer the hardships of a consequence that wasn’t his fault. Victor was free to live his life. And although it was a life without skating, Victor could work on getting better. Victor could live his life for the first time.

Yuuri didn’t know if his choice was stupid and selfish, or understandable and backed up with reason, he still didn’t know if he did the right thing.

Yuuri just wished Victor could find happiness now. He wished Victor would get better and learn to love himself for who he is outside of skating. But that would take time and Yuuri had all the time in the world. And that time he wanted to spend helping Victor – time he wanted to spend being with Victor.

“So… This is it?” Yuuri asked and Yakov gave a nodded confirmation. “He’s out of the competition?”

“He can’t make it to the Grand Prix,” Yakov confirmed. He turned his gaze to Victor. His hand reached out, gripping Victor’s leg, and giving it a squeeze of comfort. “I’m sorry, Vitya. If you need me, you can always call me, you know that, yes?”

And then Victor moved. He sighed heavily before shifting to his back and pushing himself up. He sat back against the headboard and stared at Yakov. His gaze didn’t hold emotion. It was blank and lifeless. He blinked a few times before he finally spoke. “Why would you offer me that?”

Yakov’s face fell. “What do you mean by that?”

“I’m not your skater anymore. I’m not… anything to you anymore. Why would you offer somebody who’s a nobody to you your time?” Victor asked and it stunned Yakov into a silence. Yuuri’s eyes fell between Yakov and Victor, himself startled by Victor’s words. “I’m not important anymore. Don’t pretend I am just to make me feel better.”

“Vitya, don’t be so god damn stupid,” Yakov snapped. Victor jumped in his seat, his soul bounced with him. There was a nudge – an emotion that was trying to break free from how numb he was. And Yuuri focused on it, desperately hoping for something – anything – to break free. “You’ve been my best skater since you were sixteen. I’ve been by your side for over a decade. Do you really think that because you had a bad season that I won’t care for you anymore?”

Victor bit the inside of his lip. He pulled his legs close to his body, arms circling around them. He turned his gaze away, unable to meet Yakov’s eyes as he said, “I just don’t understand why you would keep me. I’ll just drag you down as a coach. I’m sure they’ve already said something about your coaching abilities, haven’t they?”

“And let them,” Yakov spat, waving a hand. Victor met Yakov’s stare. “What they say doesn’t matter to me and it shouldn’t matter to you. It doesn’t matter if you’re still my student or retired, I will always offer you my aid and my assistance. Don’t you dare ever doubt that, do you hear me, Vitya?”

There was a silence as Victor thought to himself. Yuuri stared at his soul, waiting for that emotion to break free. He waited while Victor was thinking, but nothing changed when Victor spoke. “It should matter. I’ve disappointed you today. I think you should drop me as a student.”

And there was a sudden break in Yakov, one that made his anger and his care merge into a multicolored ball. Yakov was angry. Yakov was very, very angry, but he also cared deeply for Victor. He cared so much for Victor. The man was a mix of emotions. There was a fuse and it had burst.

“Don’t be so selfish and stubborn. Stop thinking about yourself for once!” Yakov’s voice echoed throughout the room, making it seem louder than it was. Victor’s eyes widened, startled that Yakov had raised his voice. He opened his mouth to speak, but Yakov continued. “You have been like the son I’ve never had for the last decade. It wouldn’t have mattered if you retired five years ago when you were at the peak of your career, or right now, where you are at your lowest. Neither matters to me. You will always be my student, even if you’re not skating. You’re not just you’re skating, Vitya, you are more than that. And if you weren’t so selfish, you might have seen past that by now.”

There was a sudden shift. It was like a change in the weather – a rainfall. Victor’s soul slowly filled as that emotion moved in like a cloud in the sky. It moved and changed, causing the waters to rise as the rain fell. His soul had fought back. His soul felt something.

It felt heartache.

Against the stillness the rest of his soul felt, hiding away those emotions from breaking free, he felt heartache. And that feeling pushed further against his soul as Victor’s squeezed his eyes shut and his lip trembled. He sucked in a breath before a sob broke free and Victor finally felt something.

Yuuri moved out of the way as Yakov moved forward, pulling him close and in for a hug. Victor went right into it, his trembling hands tugging the man’s jacket as he cried into his shoulder. And Victor’s soul remembered the connection he felt, back when Yakov showed him his support. It remembered their connection, their inseparable father and son bond – and Victor cried harder.

Yuuri saw this was his time to give them space. Yakov would want to talk some more and Victor would want to spend a little time with Yakov. It was his time to leave. When he and Yakov met eyes, Yuuri pointed towards the door and Yakov understood. He nodded and Yuuri took that as his moment to leave.

He grabbed Yakov’s phone just in case Yakov needed him and slipped out of the door silently, closing it with a soft click. And then he was met with a single question: What to do?

He couldn’t buy anything. He didn’t have any money. He would have gotten Victor some food, but he guessed he could try and get Victor to order himself something when Yuuri returned. He didn’t know if he wanted to find anyone else and speak with them. They would only ask him questions about Victor, ones which he didn’t think he knew how to answer just yet. Instead, he decided he should adventure around the city. He had visited Helsinki many times before, but never as a tourist.

He walked through the hallway and towards the elevator, pressing the button and waiting for it to arrive. Yuuri then thought why he was would bother taking the elevator when he, Death himself, could transport anywhere in the world in a heartbeat, but he decided against it because it ruined the human experience of being a tourist. The elevator dinged and Yuuri stepped inside.

And one floor down, the elevator stopped. The doors open and Yuuri chose to ignore the person who came walking in, turning his gaze to the floor. The person stood beside them and the doors closed, then the elevator moved and there was nothing but silence.

“Wait a second,” The person said and Yuuri turned to them. They were staring at Yuuri, brows dropped and mouth open as they pointed a finger towards him. Then their face brightened, eyes wide as he remembered whatever he had forgotten. “I know you!”

Yuuri blinked rapidly. “Uh…” It was all he could say. “You do?”

“Yeah!” The guy smiled. He held out his hand – much like how Helen did when he first met her – and said, “You’re Yuuri Katsuki, right? I’m Phichit Chulanont!”

Yuuri returned the smile and said, “I am, yes.” Yuuri knew how to return the gesture as he held out his own hand and Phichit took it in his own, shaking his hand. Yuuri was still startled that Phichit knew who he was. He didn’t know how exactly, but he could only assume it was because of Victor.

Phichit let go of Yuuri’s hand. “I don’t know if you know me, but I’m a skater too, like Victor!” He said with a smile and Yuuri then put it all together. It was because of Victor. And now he was waiting for Phichit to ask about Victor. “I came in fifth for my short program, but I’m determined to win gold!”

Yuuri gave Phichit a polite smile. “I hope you achieve what you want,” He said. The elevator doors opened to the first floor and Yuuri stepped out. He planned to walk off, but when he felt a hand around his arm, he stopped. He turned, eyes falling on Phichit who was stopping him from leaving.

There was a concerned look on Phichit’s face. It held care and Yuuri took a peek into his soul. He had a kind soul, one that was easy going and friendly. It held concern, one that he shared with more than just his friends, but strangers too. And Yuuri met Phichit’s eyes, wondering what his concern was for.

“I – I don’t want to intrude on anything private, so don’t answer this if it is, but… how is Victor doing?” Phichit asked, letting go of Yuuri’s arm and wrapping his hands around his phone. Yuuri took a deep breath. He knew this was coming.

Then he wondered what to say. He knew Victor wasn’t in the best place. And he knew Victor was silent and that his emotions numbed. But that was too much information. It wasn’t what he felt comfortable with saying. So he stuck with the very basic, giving Phichit a frown as he said, “He’s not dealing with it very well.”

“And what about you?”

Yuuri froze for a moment, unsure if he heard right. “What about me?”

“How are you dealing with it?” Phichit asked and Yuuri was startled. He didn’t understand why Phichit was asking how _he_ was, especially when it was Victor who wasn’t in the best place. “I know you’re like, Victor’s husband and all, so when I saw you I needed to ask how you were too.”

Yuuri blinked rapidly. He still didn’t understand it. But there was a feeling that he felt inside. It was warm, but not like how it was when he was with Victor. Victor made him feel a warmth that caused his chest to beat and his stomach to flutter. Victor made him feel this affectionate feeling that he couldn’t name – something he was still struggling to understand, but he knew enough to explain.

The feeling he felt when Phichit asked him how he was, it wasn’t the same. It didn’t make him feel that unknown feeling. He looked at Phichit and saw someone he could talk to – someone who would listen to his worries and concerns and not judge him over them. He saw someone he could enjoy hanging around with, but not like how he and Victor did. He enjoyed his time with Victor, more than anything in the world. But thinking of spending time with Phichit gave him a small sense of excitement.

He felt Phichit was somebody he could connect with.

His face then rested into a soft smile. “I’m handling it okay… I think, anyway,” He replied. Phichit gave him a bright smile and Yuuri found himself wanting to say more. “I’m just worried. He hasn’t taken the past two competitions very well and this one…” Yuuri shook his head to himself.

Phichit patted him on the back. “I’m sure he’ll pull through. You seem to care about him a lot, I’m certain that can be enough to help him.” There was something about Phichit that had Yuuri want to talk more. Then Phichit turned to his phone, his thumbs tapping rapidly against the screen as he said, “Let’s find a nice café to sit and chat. I’ll just tell Ciao-Ciao I’m busy.”

“A… café?” Yuuri asked. He had never been invited to a café before.

Phichit pocketed his phone and smiled. “Even if you don’t want to talk, you can take a minute and relax. How does that sound?”

Yuuri thought about it. Victor was with Yakov right now, so he trusted Victor is in safe hands. He could also do with a little break from those negative emotions that plagued his mind. He glanced at Phichit and nodded his head, and Phichit smiled, clapped his hands together with delight and dragged Yuuri out of the hotel before he even realized he was moving.

 

* * *

 

 

“You really haven’t watched The King and the Skater?” Phichit asked, eyes wide and mouth agape. Yuuri shook his head. “You’re missing on, like, life! Yuuri, where the hell have you been?”

He was missing out on a lot of things but he didn’t realize him not watching a specific movie meant that he was missing out on so much. He assumed Phichit was a big fan of the movie. Yuuri shrugged and said, “I’ve never really watch movies.”

Phichit held his gobsmacked stare. “Next, you’re going to me you don’t have a phone,” He said, throwing his hands up and resting back against the chair. Yuuri pressed his lips together tightly, unsure if he should tell Phichit the truth or not. But apparently, his expression gave it away when Phichit let out an exaggerated gasp. “Wait, you really don’t have a phone?”

Yuuri shook his head. “I never really needed a phone.”

Phichit blinked rapidly before he suddenly stood to his feet. Yuuri watched him as he motioned at Yuuri to follow him and Yuuri trailed behind, trying to keep up with Phichit’s fast paced walking. He didn’t know where Phichit was taking him but the further away he walked from the hotel, the more nervous he became.

“Phichit,” Yuuri tried but Phichit stayed walking ahead. “Phichit, I don’t want to go too far from the hotel.”

Phichit then turned but he continued to walk. “We’re not going too far. I just want to take you somewhere,” He said smiling. Yuuri trusted him enough to believe that. “We’re just going to be ten minutes, tops! It’ll be worth it, I promise.”

And then that was when Phichit came to a sudden stop and stepped inside a store. Yuuri stared over his shoulder, eyes falling on all different kinds of cell phones. Yuuri stepped inside, staring at Phichit wide eyed. He couldn’t understand why Phichit would take him there, unless Phichit wanted him to buy a phone for himself? He wasn’t sure, but Phichit certainly had a plan.

“Yuuri,” Phichit announced, “I am going to get you a phone.”

Yuuri blinked before he shook his head. “Phichit, you really don’t need to do that.”

Phichit raised his hand, stopping Yuuri from continuing to protest. “Yuuri, look. A phone is the key to life. If one does not have a phone, it is my responsibility, as Phichit Chulanont from Thailand, to grant you with a gift. One of which, will be a phone.”

Yuuri wanted to laugh. The way Phichit had announced it was certainly different to how he usually spoke. But he fought back the laughter. He really didn’t need Phichit buying him anything. “Phichit –”

“If I don’t get you a phone, how will we stay in contact after Worlds?” Phichit asked. Yuuri stared shocked. Phichit wanted to keep talking to him outside of today. He had never had this before. The only person he really spoke to regularly was Victor, and on the occasion, Yuri. “You’re now my friend, Yuuri. It would be nice to keep in touch.”

He was Phichit’s… friend. Being somebody’s friend was certainly a different feeling to being somebody’s lover, but they shared a similarity. Yuuri wanted to spend time with both of them. They both made Yuuri feel happy and good about himself.

The difference was that with Victor, Yuuri connected with him both heart and soul. Yuuri wanted to kiss him, touch him, and end the day in each other’s arms, feeling comfortable in each other’s presence. With Phichit, Yuuri wanted to just spend time with him and talk. He wanted to have fun. He had fun with Victor, but he was certain he could enjoy his time with other people.

He had a friend. And Yuuri wanted to connect with his new friend.

He nodded and Phichit let out a squeal of excitement. He showed Yuuri all kinds of phones, showing him what phone was best, which ones had a better camera for taking ‘selfies’, and which one was the easiest to use. Yuuri opted for getting the same phone as Victor had. He was getting a little used to that kind of phone, so he wanted to stick with it.

And when Phichit paid for it, Yuuri found he _really_ didn’t like people paying for him to have things. He didn’t know why, it just made him feel bad. But Phichit offered and refused to let Yuuri decline it, so Yuuri really had no choice. But it didn’t stop the bad feeling from sitting in his mind, even if there was a slight happiness there.

As the phone sat in hand, Yuuri couldn’t wait to show it to Victor. He wanted to get back to the hotel and show Victor his new phone and ask Victor to show him how to use it. But then his mind reminded himself on how Victor was doing and he decided he would have to wait.

He wondered how he and Yakov were doing, which then influenced him to check his pocket. He pulled out Yakov’s phone, seeing he did not long receive a text from the man himself. He wanted Yuuri to come back and see to Victor. And Yuuri hated to say he felt a little disappointed for having to leave Phichit because he felt he was disappointed to have to see Victor. He wasn’t, not at all. He just didn’t want to say goodbye to Phichit just yet.

But Yuuri wanted to get back to Victor. He said his goodbyes to Phichit, promising to text him as soon as possible. Phichit declared that he needed a picture with his new friend and dragged Yuuri to his side for a photo. He didn’t know what to do so he copied what Phichit did. He smiled and gave a peace sign, then the photo was taken and Phichit said his goodbyes.

Yuuri had experienced a lot of new things today and he reflected on them as he walked back to the hotel. The walk felt quicker than it did when he left. Yuuri returned to their floor and as he walked towards their room, he caught two souls still sat inside. Yakov was still there.

He stepped inside. Victor was still sat up on the bed, legs crossed and arms resting in his lap. Yakov met Yuuri’s gaze and stepped towards him. Victor turned away as Yakov said to Yuuri, “He’s talking a little more now, but he doesn’t want to talk about how he is just yet,” He said and Yuuri nodded. “I’d say try tomorrow. He might want to speak then.”

Yuuri nodded and Yakov stepped through the door behind him, closing it and leaving Yuuri alone with Victor. Victor glanced up, staring at Yuuri. He let out a deep sigh before raising his arms, opening them, and asking for Yuuri to come over. Yuuri complied, striding across the room and onto the bed. Their arms went around each other, pulling each other closer as they felt comfort in their warm embrace.

Yuuri’s hand moved to Victor’s hair, as it always did. He kissed Victor on the side of the head and breathed him in as he asked, “How was everything with Yakov?”

Victor took a deep breath, nodding against his shoulder. “We… spoke about some things.” He replied. “I just… I missed you.”

Yuuri felt his chest tug as he pulled Victor as close as he could. “I missed you too,” Yuuri said in response. “Have you eaten?”

“Yeah,” Victor answered and Yuuri let out a sigh of relief. “Yakov had me eat something.”

Yuuri reminded himself to thank Yakov later. He then let go of Victor but for only a moment. He lied back against the comforter, his hands went around Victor as he encouraged him to lie down too. Victor followed, resting himself in Yuuri’s arms.

His soul had changed while Yuuri was gone. It wasn’t big, but it was gradual. It still struggled to feel something but it was beginning to feel more. It began to feel that little bit of emotion that was slowly growing and coming back to Victor. He was beginning to feel again, and it was more than he did when he had woken up this morning.

This was good. Victor was making progress once again. But he wasn’t talking about how he was feeling and that was what Yuuri hoped would be the next step. He hoped Victor would talk about how he felt, expressed his emotions in a healthy way rather than keeping them to himself and letting them accumulate into a mess of uncertain emotions.

Yuuri took Yakov’s advice to thought. Tomorrow he will try and ask Victor how he is. He will wait and see if Victor would talk about how he was doing.

And in the meantime, he kept Victor in his arms and showed him the support and comfort he deserved.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, about that free skate...
> 
> But in other news, MY HOMEBOY PHICHIT FINALLY APPEARED!


	23. Chapter 23

  
That day, Victor should have been getting ready for his free skate. But Victor was out of the competition. He didn’t have to move, which he took quite literally. He stayed in bed all that morning, unable to get up from how heavy his sorrow had hit him that morning.

It was one of Victor’s bad days. His soul ached against the numbness that still surrounded his soul. It had improved overnight. His soul slowly began to feel something more but he still wasn’t himself. Yuuri had prepared himself in case this lasted for a while. He was prepared to help Victor and he was ready.

At some point during the day, Victor had wanted to check his phone but had said that he couldn’t. Yuuri didn’t understand why until Victor explained that he didn’t want to look at any messages he had. Yuuri then told him to check around midday, which Yuuri then became aware that it was in fact, midday.

Time seemed to have been non-existent as they stayed hidden away in their hotel room. It was almost as if the world didn’t exist – that it was just him and Victor. But the world did exist. Victor could avoid it, but Yuuri couldn’t. Yuuri couldn’t avoid the multiple souls he could see, both distant and up close. He couldn’t avoid knowing life was out there. In a way, it was hypnotic. But at the same time, annoying.

Eventually, as the day continued, Victor really wanted to check his phone. Yuuri said to ease his worries, he would check it for him. All Victor had wanted was to see if Chris or Yuri had won a medal as well as how other skaters did. But Victor had a dilemma, which was why he  _didn’t_ want to check the scores himself.

“I don’t want to see my name at the bottom of that list,” Victor sighed, shaking his head as he held his phone to his chest. He met Yuuri’s eyes and handed the phone to Yuuri, but Yuuri didn’t take it. He pulled out his own phone instead, excited to show Victor his new phone.

“It’s okay,” Yuuri said as he raised the phone in his hand. “I have my own phone now!”

Victor stared at the phone with what seemed like a harsh glare. His brows were dropped and there was a question on his tongue. He glanced between the phone and Yuuri but said nothing. Yuuri chose to ignore the look as he switched on his phone and started tapping buttons in hopes he could find out  _how_ he could find out the results. Victor then moved beside him to show Yuuri what he needed to tap but came to a stop.

“Yuuri,” Victor said as Yuuri tapped something that did nothing. He looked up with a bright smile on his face. “You do realize your phone is in Finnish?” Yuuri glanced down and noticed that everything was in fact in Finnish. He didn’t realize. For Yuuri, language was automatic. He didn’t have to think what language to use or how to speak it, he could just speak it. And he had to speak all languages. There were many spirits who didn’t speak certain languages and Yuuri couldn’t help them if he didn’t know how to speak to them.

He had to ask Victor how to change his settings. Victor showed him through guesses, hoping he was telling Yuuri correctly. Yuuri debated on what to change it to English, Russian, or Japanese. In the end, he settled for Japanese. He was technically posing as a human from Japan and he recalled Victor asking him if that was where he was from and he had said yes, so it made sense. He didn’t want to influence any more questions than he already had.

But he could see Victor had a question he wanted to ask. He was constantly glancing between Yuuri and his phone while he helped him. It was different to his usual glances. It wasn’t to check on him, it was as if he was trying to work something out. His eyes were slightly narrowed and he paused every so often as if he was thinking to himself.

They finally found out the results and Victor turned away, sticking to his word of not wanting to look. Yuuri looks over the scores and asked Victor who he wanted to know the scores for. It was who he expected – Chris and Yuri. He asked for a few others as well, ones who Yuuri had never met or even heard of until that moment.

Yuuri’s eyes then landed on Phichit’s name and he couldn’t help his excitement as he smiled and said, “Oh, Phichit won silver!”

And that was when Yuuri caught the new emotion that pushed through Victor’s soul. It wasn’t a very nice-looking emotion. It held bitterness and a slight annoyance. Yuuri stared at it, wondering what kind of emotion that was. He had never seen Victor express anything like it and it wasn’t something Yuuri really wanted to see again.

Victor then stared between Yuuri and his phone again, his eyes narrowed as he asked, “… And who exactly is this Phichit?”

Yuuri didn’t like the tone in his voice. Yuuri felt it was demanding and rude. Whatever emotion it was that Victor felt, Yuuri didn’t like it. “It’s Phichit, my friend,” Yuuri answered. His eyes fell on Victor’s soul and the emotion only grew.

“Oh, it’s just you’ve never mentioned this Phichit before,” Victor stated. He crossed his arms, staring at Yuuri with a tough glare. “He’s just… came out of nowhere, I guess.”

Yuuri was beginning to get agitated himself. He didn’t know what Victor’s problem was with Phichit, but he didn’t like it. Phichit had done nothing wrong, yet Victor was acting like he had. Victor was acting like a child and Yuuri wasn’t going to have that. He was going to say something.

“Is there a problem with me not mentioning Phichit?” Yuuri asked. Victor blinked once, startled by Yuuri’s response but it only lasted a second before he turned his gaze away. There was something not right and Yuuri wanted to discuss it. His hand touched to Victor’s arm gently and as Victor glanced up, Yuuri asked, “Victor, what’s wrong?”

Victor let out a deep breath. That not-so nice emotion pushed back a little, but it still remained up front against his soul. “Nothing, I just…” Victor paused. Yuuri waited and gave him a smile of encouragement. Victor’s gaze fell as he said, “I’m just being jealous.”

It was jealousy that was against Victor’s soul. Yuuri didn’t know that. And if he was honest, he wasn’t a fan of jealousy. He didn’t like the way it looked against Victor’s soul and the way it manipulated his thoughts. He wondered why Victor was being so jealous. He didn’t know what had caused Victor’s jealousy, whether it was him having a new phone or a new friend, he didn’t know. He then did what he always did when he wasn’t sure and he asked.

“Why were you being jealous?” Yuuri asked, raising a brow in question. “Phichit’s just a friend.”

“I know… It’s just me being possessive,” Victor answered. Yuuri held his stare. He felt like Victor wasn’t being completely honest with him. There was something else. There was another reason why he was being jealous. “It was just that you left yesterday and came back with a new phone and a new person in your life. I’m just being stupid. I was just… overthinking.”

Yuuri tried to think about it from Victor’s view. He had been having bad days recently which caused his soul to become numb. He was just getting his emotions back, which may have influenced a new emotion to come forward. But Victor said he was overthinking. What he could be overthinking between Yuuri and Phichit. He didn’t know.

But then he did.

“Victor,” Yuuri said. He was a little startled by his own assumption. He had to ask. “You didn’t think I was trying to replace you, did you?”

Victor didn’t reply immediately. But it made more sense now and Yuuri waited for Victor to speak. “I mean, I can’t say that I  _didn’t_  think that at least once.” Victor turned his gaze away. “Like I said, you just disappeared yesterday and came back knowing this new guy. And he brought you a new phone. People don’t buy strangers new phones, Yuuri. Why did he buy you a phone?”

Yuuri saw nothing wrong with his friendship with Phichit, so he knew not to worry about the way he would answer. “He recognized me. He knew we were lovers and he asked how you were. Then he asked me how I was and offered to buy me a coffee,” Yuuri answered. Victor’s stare held and Yuuri decided to continue. “And he was just talking to me. He got onto the subject of phones and he found out that I didn’t have one, so he got me one. It was nice. He called me his friend. I’ve never had someone who was just a friend before.”

Victor’s expression softened. The jealousy that rested in his soul pushed back, disappearing in the mix of emotions in his soul. Victor sighed deeply as he turned his gaze to the floor and said, “I’m sorry I felt that way.”

“It’s alright, Victor,” Yuuri said but Victor shook his head.

“No, it isn’t. I shouldn’t have assumed you…” Victor paused. He pressed his lips together hard as his eyes began to glisten with tears. He pressed his hand to his mouth, trying to keep his cries back but it wasn’t enough. Eventually, his sobs broke free.

Yuuri sighed as he pulled Victor in, wrapping his arms around him and keeping him close. Victor didn’t hesitate to go in as he cried against Yuuri’s shoulder. His sobs ripped through his body, shaking his shoulders and Yuuri did what he could and held onto him. He didn’t understand why Victor was crying from this. He said it was fine that Victor got jealous. It was a normal human emotion. He didn’t want Victor crying over something that was natural.

But he couldn’t force Victor to stop crying so he kept him close, pressing light kisses to the side of his head and speaking kind words in his ear. Victor’s cries came to a slow stop after a while. Yuuri pulled back and ran a hand through Victor’s hair, moving it away from his face. Victor stared at him through tear filled eyes and Yuuri smiled reassuringly.

“How do you feel now?” Yuuri asked. Victor diverted his gaze to the floor as he chewed on his lip. He was avoiding the question. Yuuri gently turned Victor’s head so he looked back at Yuuri and Yuuri tried again. “How do you feel?”

Victor breathed in a deep breath. “I feel stupid,” He mumbled as his shoulders slumped. “I don’t know why that made me cry. It’s so stupid. I’m sorry, Yuuri.”

“Don’t be sorry. You can’t help how you feel,” Yuuri spoke. Victor gave Yuuri a weak smile as he wiped away the tears down his face, drying his cheeks. Yuuri’s eyes glanced down at his phone and it gave him an idea. He picked up it up, handing it to Victor and said, “Why don’t you show me how to use my phone?”

Victor smile brightened as he nodded. That was how they spent most of the day – in each other’s company and adventuring through Yuuri’s new phone. He was beginning to understand it a little more better now. He learned how to text and call. He learned how to add contacts and what an ‘app’ was. He found himself downloading a few too many games after he became temporarily obsessed with one and wanted to find more. In the end, he decided to delete all of the games. He didn’t want to become too obsessed with his phone or find himself only using it for games.

And then night fell and the two spent the evening resting in bed, watching a movie neither were really concentrating on. Yuuri was finding plenty of enjoyment just being with Victor. He was also finding some entertainment in texting Phichit back and forth. It was strange talking to somebody through technology. There was a similarity in the way Phichit spoke in person and how he did while texting, except through texting, Phichit liked to over use the cute faces that Yuuri soon found were called ‘emoji’s’. He didn’t really care much about them but he did like the look of some. His favorite was the ghost emoji.

Victor had continued to avoid using his phone. He didn’t want to look at any texts he knew he had from people. Yuuri would have preferred if Victor tried to look just in case one was important, but he couldn’t make Victor do that. Victor just wanted to pretend that world didn’t exist for the while. Instead, after their movie ended and both agreed they didn’t want to watch another one, he had his head buried deep in a book.

The later it got, the more Yuuri wondered how interested Victor was in his book. He would have looked but he was pretending to sleep. He stopped texting Phichit a while ago. He didn’t have much else he wanted to do either and in the end, he decided to just ‘sleep’. It relaxed and soothed him. So Yuuri continued to wait for Victor to finish reading and fall asleep.

He wondered if it was because of how much sleep Victor had gotten the night before that made him not want to sleep. He knew Victor slept a lot that night. It would make sense for him to struggle to sleep tonight, but Yuuri still wanted him to try. He then felt Victor move and Yuuri thought Victor was finally joining him. It wasn’t until he felt Victor’s hand on his shoulder, shaking him awake that Yuuri knew he wasn’t.

He blinked his eyes open and stared up at Victor. “I’m sorry I had to wake you up,” Victor spoke lowly and Yuuri’s brows dropped, curious what it was Victor wanted. “Can you get changed? I want us to go somewhere.”

He watched as Victor got up to his feet and step over to his suitcase to search through it. Yuuri sat up just as Victor threw a shirt over his way. It blocked out his vision as it landed on his head. Yuuri pulled the shirt off and put it on. He then grabbed the pants Victor threw towards him, getting himself dressed.

He and Victor then left the room. Yuuri followed him as they stepped out of the hotel and walked along the sidewalk. The wind was crisp and the air was cold, sending a cold sensation down Yuuri’s spine, but unlike Victor, he didn’t shiver.

They walked and walked and Yuuri continued to wonder where Victor was taking him. It had been nearly an hour since they left the warmth of their hotel room and Victor continued to not tell Yuuri where they were going. Yuuri would ask but Victor would only reply with, “You’ll see. Just wait.” Yuuri didn’t want to wait any longer.

Victor then came to a sudden stop as they walked along a bridge. Yuuri stopped with him, watching Victor carefully as he stepped closer to the side and stared out across the water. Yuuri stood beside him, eyes glancing between the water and Victor. He wondered why Victor wanted to come here. It reminded Yuuri of back when they were in France – the first time they met. But this was different.

Victor still felt the same – in a way. He was emotionally vulnerable and disappointed in himself. But Victor’s soul wasn’t the same. His soul didn’t flicker, nor was it on the brink of death. It wasn’t hurting or desperate for an end or escape. It was surviving. It was fighting. And although it still ached with a stillness that made Victor seem almost empty, it was still getting better.

And in that moment, Yuuri realized how much progress Victor had made since that night in France. Victor may not feel the same, but Yuuri could see it. He could tell and Yuuri was so proud of Victor.

“I don’t want to be back here, Yuuri,” Victor spoke. Yuuri glanced at Victor but his eyes were focused on the water. Yuuri held his stare as Victor continued. “I’ve had a lot of time to think about things over the past few days. And this place is where I don’t want to be back at.”

“I don’t want that either,” Yuuri said. He then had a thought. “Why did you bring me here?” Victor didn’t answer. He only kept his concentration straight ahead. Yuuri didn’t continue to ask.

Victor then let out a sigh. “I wanted to get to the Grand Prix,” Yuuri watched the disappointment in Victor’s soul tug and pull against the numbness. “I wanted to surprise everyone… and in a way, I guess I did. The lowest score in years – my lowest score. I guess you could say that was a surprise, huh?”

Yuuri wondered what Victor was trying to suggest. He felt like there was something he should understand, but he couldn’t figure it out. “I don’t understand,” Yuuri said. Victor looked at Yuuri for only a second before turning back to the water.

“What I’m trying to say is that I’m not sure how I feel about this,” Victor explained and Yuuri stayed silent, listening to Victor express how he felt. “On one hand, I feel more disappointed in myself than I did at the last Grand Prix. I did terribly and my career has ended. I might as well call my retirement now. Everyone knows I won’t be coming back. I’m… stuck, right now.”

Yuuri nodded. He knew Victor wouldn’t return after what had happened. He had said he would retire if he didn’t make it to the Grand Prix. It was something Yuuri already knew. “How else do you feel?” Yuuri asked, pressing Victor on for more. There was more Victor wanted to say.

“I feel relieved,” Victor answered. Yuuri didn’t expect that response. “It’s over, Yuuri. I don’t have to worry about competing anymore. I don’t have to live up to anyone’s expectations of me. I can just be Victor. And while I still… still hate being just Victor, I will learn to accept that eventually, right?”

“I don’t think I’m the right person to answer that,” Yuuri answered. He wasn’t. He didn’t know if Victor would or wouldn’t accept being ‘just Victor’, but he would like for him too.

A silence then fell between the two as they stared out across the water. Yuuri was more than just happy that Victor didn’t want to get back to how he was in France. Victor was fighting. And the more Victor fought for his own happiness, the more Yuuri felt so proud of him.

“This is going to be a long journey for me,” Victor then spoke, startling Yuuri from his thoughts. Victor turned to face Yuuri as he continued. “I’m going to put you through a lot. I’m going to frustrate you and annoy you when I don’t comply with my most basic wants and needs. At times, I will probably do it on purpose just to get a reaction – to get you to yell at me so I can feel something, and If you want to leave now I completely understand. I just wanted you to know that.”

Yuuri blinked hard. “Victor,” He said, catching Victor’s attention. He couldn’t believe Victor would still think he would leave. That was the last thing Yuuri was ever going to do and he was going to let Victor know that. “Do you remember what I said to you a few nights ago?”

Victor thought to himself. He shook his head. “That day was a blur, Yuuri. I’m sorry.”

“I said that you are the most strongest person I have ever met,” Yuuri began. He watched Victor and caught the small glistening of a tear in the corner of his eye. “I said that you can get through this – that this is only a minor stop in your life. And do you know what I said after that?”

Victor let the tear slip as he asked, “What?”

“I said that It’s a life we’re going to spend together. And I mean it.” Yuuri moved forward, slipping his fingers between Victor’s as he pressed their palms together. He brought Victor forward, bringing him close. “We’re going to spend our lives together and I am not going to leave you just because of what happened. I’m not going to leave you because you’ll have some bad days. You mean so much to me. I may not know how to handle some of your emotions and maybe I might unintentionally make some of them worse, but I will try my hardest to make sure I see you smile again. Victor, I…” Yuuri paused. There was something on the tip of his tongue. It was that one emotion he wanted to express to Victor – what was it?

“You…?” Victor asked, waiting for Yuuri to continue.

Yuuri didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know how he could express that emotion he didn’t know the name of. It was there, right at the end of his sentence, but the word wasn’t coming into his mind. He couldn’t say it. Not while he didn’t know.

He decided to be honest. He believed their honesty would get them somewhere and now was time for them to continue to do so.

“There’s something going on in my head,” Yuuri said and Victor stayed silent. “It isn’t anything bad. It’s nice. It feels nice and warm and open, but I don’t know what it is. I’m trying to think but it isn’t coming to me. But whatever it is, I will find it out one day. I will find it out and I will let you know.”

“Just like how you will let me know your secret?” Victor asked and Yuuri nodded. Victor will know he was Death. Yuuri will tell him soon. He just wanted to find that emotion first. Victor let out a deep breath before turning his gaze away. “I still don’t understand why people care about me.”

“Victor…”

“I know they do. I get that now. You, Yakov, Chris, and Yuri – you’ve all proved and shown me that you care about me. I wished I had realized it sooner,” Victor then paused. “But I don’t understand why. I’m just… I’m just relying on you all too much to help me. I want to help myself, but I can’t. When I tried, I ended up on that bridge. But I don’t want to put all this pressure on everyone to keep me away from there.”

“You’re doing your best, Victor. You can do it,” Yuuri assured him. Victor met his gaze. “We’re not pressured. We want to help you and I’m certain they will try their best.”

“Sometimes I wonder why you continue to try to help me,” Victor murmured. Yuuri squeezed his grip around Victor’s hands. He knows exactly why he tries.

“I think you are incredible,” Yuuri replied. Victor blinked, startled by Yuuri’s words. “You’ve changed me in more ways than you think. I appreciate and treasure every second I spend with you. Just knowing I get to wake up next to you every morning and that we’re going to do that for the rest of our lives… It makes me excited. And I want to try to help you because that’s what I want to do. You don’t ever need to ask for my help or demand for it. I will always give it to you, even if you think you don’t deserve it. That’s what lovers do, isn’t it?”

Victor didn’t answer. And just as Yuuri was about to ask, Victor leaned forward and kissed him. He pressed his lips hard against Yuuri’s, desperate for the touch he’s deprived himself of for nearly two days. And Yuuri kissed back as it blurred into another needy and touchy kiss. It was another moment Yuuri treasured. He wanted to remember every time Victor kissed him and how it felt. It was such a simple action but it brought something up in Victor’s soul. It was that emotion Yuuri couldn’t understand. It pushed against the numbness in his soul, enveloping the negative emotions Victor could feel.

Victor pulled back for a breath but leaned forward. His breath tickled Yuuri’s ear as he breathed, “I need to feel you tonight, Yuuri. Please. I need you.”

But when Victor kissed him again, Yuuri didn’t kiss back. He pulled away, giving Victor the silent hint that he didn’t want to go any further and Victor stopped. Yuuri shook his head. He didn’t want to have sex tonight. It didn’t feel right for them to. He couldn’t do it. He didn’t want to.

“Not tonight, Victor,” Yuuri said. “When we get back to Russia, we will. But not now. I’m sorry.”

Victor’s face dropped with disappointment but he understood. He then glanced up as he had an idea and asked, “Can you at least touch me?” Yuuri let out a weak laugh, smiling as he nodded. He didn’t see a problem with that and Victor returned the smile. They kissed again, as if to keep themselves satisfied enough for their long walk back to the hotel.

And by the time they returned, it was 3 AM. They slipped back into their room silently before crawling into bed. And Victor still felt his need for release. Yuuri pressed Victor’s back against his chest, his hand circled around Victor’s length who found pleasure in the touch. Yuuri whispered encouraging words into Victor’s ear as Victor found his release.

Before Yuuri realized, it was the morning of their last day. Victor was to fly back to Russia today after getting his flight changed by Yakov. Yuuri would follow his own way and meet Victor at the airport. It was their usual routine – a routine that was their last.

Victor was now out of the competitive season and with his unconfirmed retirement, he wasn’t going to be traveling anytime soon. He didn’t need to go to any events unless he wanted to watch the other skaters. He didn’t need to travel anywhere unless it was for a vacation. He didn’t need to have any more responsibilities towards skating anymore. And Yuuri remembered what Victor said. It was over.

And so was Victor’s consequence. Yuuri had too many feelings towards that. It felt like such a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. It was even more of a lift than when the Universe removed itself from Yuuri’s back. He felt relieved that it was over – that Victor can concentrate on his recovery and learn to accept himself outside of his skating. He may have fallen, but he landed better and he was handling it.

But Yuuri felt unsure about his guilt. He didn’t make life any easier for Victor. If anything, he made it worse. He put Victor through so much during his competitions that Yuuri felt like he was the reason for Victor nearly killing himself again back at Europeans. He felt guilty for putting Victor through all of it. But it was the Universe who chose that consequence. It was the Universe who didn’t want to give Yuuri a break or let Yuuri have this one choice. And Yuuri didn’t feel guilty for saving Victor. He didn’t regret helping Victor off that bridge. He just felt unsure if he should feel guilty for the aftermath or not.

Yuuri didn’t think about it too much. Emotions were confusing and when Yuuri didn’t know how to work around them, he decided to not worry about it. The worry was always there, he just tried hard to not think about it.

When the time came for them to leave, Yuuri wondered where the time went. The day didn’t feel like it moved. Victor found time to say his goodbyes to Chris and Yuuri had wanted to find Phichit, wanting to give him a proper farewell like Victor did to Chris. And he found him thanks to his new phone and the wonders of texting.

“Let Victor know that he’s got this. I believe he can pull through,” Phichit told Yuuri. Yuuri nodded, reminding himself to tell Victor. “And make sure you text me every day. I want to know what’s going on in the life of Victor and Yuuri.”

Yuuri laughed. “I will,” He said with a smile. “Thank you for the phone. And thank you for listening to me ramble on about my worries.”

Phichit waved a hand. “It’s what friends do.”

And once they said their farewell, Yuuri returned back to Victor’s side as he was saying goodbye to Yakov and when Victor was ready, they made their way to the airport. Yuuri would see Victor off before going his own way, either traveling back to Russia and waiting for Victor there, or off to help a spirit in need. Either way, he would meet Victor at the airport.

They kissed and said farewell. Yuuri watched Victor’s soul as he disappeared in the crowds, making his way to his flight. Yuuri turned to go his own way but found himself glancing back. Victor would be by himself on this flight. He usually had Yakov and Yuri with him, or the other skaters he sometimes traveled with. But this time, he was alone.

Yuuri didn’t want that. And his choice to follow Victor through the airport, unseen and unheard of to the world was a last-minute decision he didn’t realize he made until he found himself half way into the airport with his eyes fixed on Victor’s soul.

Yuuri caught up with him as he was checking in his suitcase. And he followed Victor as he walked further through the airport. Victor stopped at a café for a while, buying himself a coffee as he waited for his flight. He sat down in the back corner, the warm brew in his hand and his phone in the other.

Yuuri watched him as he tapped on his contacts. He scrolled down and tapped. Yuuri caught his own name on the screen. Victor’s thumb was hovering over the call button, hesitating to call. And Yuuri waited for him to do it. He waited for Victor to tap. Victor then pressed his lips together as he shook his head to himself, placing his phone down onto the table. Victor turned his head away from the café, focusing on the wall as he discretely pressed his hand to his mouth and squeezed his eyes shut, keeping the tears back.

Yuuri didn’t understand. But it wasn’t until he took a glimpse into Victor’s soul that Yuuri understood a little better. The affectionate emotion that pressed forward was plagued by a light hurt. And that emotion was pushing the numb feeling further back. His soul almost began to feel complete again. It was getting there, but it still felt numb. But what Victor was feeling right now was making its way through – making Victor feel something and Yuuri finally realized what it was.

Victor missed him.

And just as Yuuri was about to move someplace else so he could call Victor, Victor abruptly stood up. He threw his coffee away and Yuuri followed him as he made his way further into the airport. It took Yuuri a while to realize that Victor was making his way to his flight. And Yuuri followed until Victor was on the plane itself, waiting for it to take off.

When the plane had taken off, Yuuri expected himself to feel something but he felt nothing. He had heard of experiences humans had from flights, but he didn’t feel anything on this one. He expected some kind of weightless feeling – he expected to feel like he was in the air but he didn’t. It felt exactly the same as standing on the ground.

That certainly wasn’t what he expected.

And when the flight landed back in Russia, Yuuri saw Victor off the plane before he moved to the front of the airport where he would meet Victor. He stood and watched as Victor’s soul walked through the airport, coming closer and closer. He felt excited to see Victor again. He knew he had been with Victor for a few hours already, but it was different. Victor couldn’t see him. Victor didn’t know he was there.

But now, Victor could. And nothing could ever replace the look Victor would give Yuuri whenever they met up after a flight. They met in the middle, arms around each other and lips pressed together. Yuuri could never get used to this feeling. The way it made his chest swell and his stomach flutter, Yuuri wanted to experience it more.

Victor pulled back and pressed their foreheads together. Their noses touched and their lips were inches away from each other’s but both fought the urge to delve back in. “I missed you,” Victor whispered and Yuuri smiled. If only Victor knew.

“It’s only been three hours,” Yuuri replied, pressing his hand to Victor’s cheek.

“It’s been three long hours too many,” Victor said and Yuuri leaned back in for a single kiss. They met each other’s eyes, smiling with complete joy as Victor said, “All I’ve wanted was to get back home. Let’s go home.”

And Yuuri nodded. Home sounded delightful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaand they're back from Worlds! Thank God that's over. Heh, it hurt... but now we can begin to concentrate on other things - like fluff!  
> Also, Victor, pls don't be jealous...
> 
>  
> 
> (I've also been a little unwell the past couple of days, so apologies if the chapter isn't that great!)  
> (Also, also, I've had to reupload this chapter. Sorry for any confusion!)


	24. Chapter 24

 

A week had gone by and Worlds felt like it was a lifetime away.

That was to Yuuri at least. He couldn’t imagine how the week had been like for Victor. He had an idea. His only clue was from Victor’s soul, but what his thoughts were like was something Yuuri didn’t know.

Over the week, his soul began to feel again. Slowly, day by day, his soul felt something new. His soul began to feel more emotions. When Yuuri took a glimpse at his soul, some emotions were good. Victor sometimes felt happiness, hope, and serenity. He would feel good on some days and his soul would show it. But some emotions were not so good. Some days, Victor would feel cold, empty, or a feeling of deep hatred towards himself. On those days, his soul struggled, but it fought against the stillness.

Victor’s soul made more obvious improvements when he returned from his first therapy session. He had spoken to Helen about what had happened, but Victor wasn’t ready to express how he felt about his fall just yet. He wasn’t ready to discuss that with neither Helen nor Yuuri. But Yuuri didn’t mind that. Yuuri was happy to wait for Victor to be ready.

Victor had mentioned that his goals only had to change a little. He wanted to be certain on what to do with his life now he was retired. He was halfway through telling Helen what happened at Europeans. She knew about their argument, but she didn’t know about his second attempt. And as for his main goals, they stayed the same. Victor needed to learn to accept himself outside of skating, and that was important.

But Victor said Helen felt he was very close to achieving his second major goals. Victor was dealing with his breakdowns a lot more better and he was learning how to control them. But Victor had told Helen that he went numb after his fall and she wanted him to work on that goal just a little bit longer.

Victor felt proud that he was close to achieving those goals. He felt he was getting closer to getting better and controlling himself and Yuuri was proud of him too. Yuuri was so pleased that Victor was bouncing back a lot easier than he had the past two competitions. It made Yuuri feel like things were going to be better. Things were going to be okay.

And while things were beginning to be okay, Yuuri began to think more.

There were the things the Universe told him, back before Worlds. He still needed to find out why he changed, what he had forgotten, and what he was searching for. Those questions had answers he couldn’t find out yet. He had thought that they won’t be answers he’ll find out until time had passed. They were answers he needed to wait for – to find out during his life living amongst humans.

He had wondered for a while if the feeling he couldn’t name was the reason he had changed. Whatever that feeling was could have opened a new world for Yuuri, one that he thought he never would have known. It seemed to be the only thing that made sense. Yuuri had to have changed because of that feeling. But what that feeling was, Yuuri didn’t know. He couldn’t know, not until he learned it.

He wondered if it was an emotion Victor didn’t feel. Or if it was an emotion Victor rarely felt, like jealousy or anger. Yuuri wondered it if was something similar to those and maybe that’s why he couldn’t find it out. But he didn’t feel like it was those emotions, so it must have been something Victor didn’t experience. Or perhaps it was and Yuuri didn’t know. It annoyed him. It began to irritate him more than it had before. He was Death. He was the second most powerful being in the Universe, a place behind the Universe itself, and yet he couldn’t work out human emotions.

It was bizarre.

And then a second week had passed and Yuuri found that having Victor around so often really began to affect his work.

Where Victor used to go to practice five days a week and therapy twice a week, Yuuri found time to visit spirits and help souls move on. He could keep on track with that world with enough ease to feel comfortable. But now Victor was home almost all the time, Yuuri found it harder to keep up. He couldn’t just disappear whenever he wanted. He couldn’t see spirits when they needed him because Victor would be with him, holding onto him with a tight grasp. And sometimes when a spirit needed him, Victor would need him just as bad.

Yuuri could rely on his other forms enough for them to not cause another appearance of a demon, but they could only do so much when the soul was reckless and uncooperative. And Yuuri liked to help souls. He found it made him feel happy when he saw a spirit move on happy and at ease. And after he had begged that little girl at Worlds to move on, he wanted to take his role in the Universe more seriously.

But he also wanted to care for Victor as much as he could and Yuuri couldn’t do everything. He couldn’t be with Victor and have his own subconsciousness help a spirit at the same time. He was one being and his multiple other forms weren’t him. His forms didn’t feel. They couldn’t even talk. They were mindless copies of himself, there to only show spirits the way to go and that was it. They couldn’t do his job as well as he could. They helped, and they did as good of a job as they could do, but they only did enough to keep Yuuri on top of things.

Yuuri knew he would have to tell Victor he was Death. It would make his work a lot easier. It would make visiting spirits and just being what he’s supposed to be so much easier. He found he didn’t want to hide it anymore. He didn’t want to keep this secret from Victor any longer. It didn’t make sense that he kept it to himself for so long, but there was the thought from early when they met that he wouldn’t be around for long. That had changed.

Yuuri wanted to figure out at least one of the Universes questions before that. If by a month he hadn’t worked it out, he would tell Victor. But until then, it would stay as his own secret. He just needed to try and keep it to himself until then.

And then came a day where Yuuri and Victor were out of bed and cooking themselves breakfast when Yuuri felt a sudden strong presence. It startled him, making him stop as he stood frozen as the presence overwhelmed him. It was a strong presence from an old soul – one that had lived many lives. And it was inside their home.

“Yuuri?” Victor’s voice startled Yuuri out of his trance. His head shot towards Victor, eyes wide as he stared his way. Victor raised a brow, concern rushed over his face as he asked, “Are you okay?”

Yuuri’s eyes met with not only Victor’s but with a man who stood behind him. He had never seen that man before but he had seen his soul plenty of times. Unlike Yuko, who was on her fourth life, he was on his twentieth. He was old and what a human would call wise. Yuuri would just say he was experienced as a human.

Yuuri tried to ignore the man. He couldn’t talk to him now, not while Victor was here. He cleared his throat and turned back to helping Victor cook. “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” He turned his back, searching through the drawers for whatever his mind would decide he needed.

Victor didn’t press on and turned back to their food. Yuuri pulled a spoon out from the drawer because why not and turned back around, eyes falling on the man who was still stood in their kitchen. He was staring at Yuuri, eyes boring into him and never letting his gaze slip. Yuuri gave him an equally strong glare, hoping it would let the man know that now was not a good time.

“It’s gotten really cold in here,” He said, breathing in harsh as he shivered and crossing his arms to keep himself warm. Yuuri shook his head at the spirit and moved to Victor’s side. “I’m just going to grab a jacket. Do you want one?”

Yuuri was about to shake his head, but then he thought Victor would spend more time looking for two jackets than one. He nodded and Victor turned on his feet, leaving Yuuri alone in the kitchen. But he wasn’t alone. He turned, eyes falling on the spirit who remained inside their kitchen.

“Listen,” Yuuri began, stepping close to the spirit. “I don’t know why you haven’t moved on yet but trust me when I say it’s best that you do. And please don’t make the room cold. That’s not funny.”

The man let out a low, gruffly laugh, shaking his head to himself. Yuuri’s brows dropped, wondering what was so funny that the man had to laugh. He came to a stop and said to Yuuri, “I see you don’t remember me.”

“Of course, I remember you,” Yuuri replied. “I remember every soul that I meet.”

The man shook his head. “But not every soul,” He then turned to Victor as he walked in with his own jacket on and Yuuri’s in hand. Yuuri glanced at the man, uncertain of him.

He didn’t know how the man knew Yuuri couldn’t remember Victor’s first life, but he also didn’t like that the man knew. He narrowed his eyes at him for a moment before putting on his jacket and ignored him. And he continued to ignore him as he and Victor ate their food together. Yuuri could feel the man’s eyes on him but he ignored it.

He wondered how the man could have known that. Victor’s first life was something Yuuri couldn’t remember. And it was something Yuuri had only ever once thought about. How that man knew was beyond him. But then Yuuri put the two together.

The man knew something Yuuri had only thought about. He knew something only Yuuri could know. And he knew it was something Yuuri had forgotten. It must be what Yuuri couldn’t remember. Whatever Victor’s first life was, was what the Universe wanted him to find out. Yuuri didn’t doubt that was it. It was the only thing that made sense. But how the man knew, Yuuri could only come up with two answers.

Either he was the Universe in disguise, or the Universe allowed him to know.

Yuuri was going to find out. He just needed to find a way to distract Victor long enough for him to ask, or he needed to get a little while away from Victor so he could speak with the spirit alone and in private. And Yuuri pondered a few ideas, but none he could say were any good.

Then Victor announced that he was going to have a shower and Yuuri praised to the heavenly Gods above. The moment Victor left the room and Yuuri was certain he wasn’t going to return unexpectedly, Yuuri turned back to the man, eyes blazing and questions ready to fire.

“What did you mean by that?” Yuuri asked and the man raised a brow. “Yes, I remember every soul I meet, except for Victor’s apparently. But what did you mean by it and how did you know that?”

The man stared off into the distance as he thought to himself. He then shrugged and said, “If I am perfectly honest, I do not know.” Yuuri rolled his eyes to himself. It was typical he didn’t know. “I just knew and I felt like I needed to say it to you.”

Yuuri’s glare hardened. “Did the Universe send you here?” He couldn’t think of any other reason why the man would be here or why the man would know that. The Universe had to be behind it. “They told you that information, but for what reason?”

“I believe they’re trying to help you,” The man answered. His eyes then widened as he stared into the distance, frozen in place and unmoving. Then quicker than he froze, he began to move again. “They’re trying to guide you.”

Yuuri huffed. He had been trying to work this out and suddenly the Universe was giving him hints to those questions. Yuuri didn’t understand it. He didn’t understand why the Universe suddenly changed its mind and gave Yuuri a little more to work with. But he wasn’t going to complain too much. He felt more certain of what he had forgotten than he did before. And he didn’t doubt it had something to do with Victor’s first life – the only soul Yuuri couldn’t remember the first life of.

“So they send you here instead of them doing it themselves?” Yuuri asked and the man hesitated before nodding. Yuuri let out a sigh. “Listen, I understand you don’t really know what’s going on. You’re hearing something you’ve never heard before and you’re blindly following its orders without questioning it. But just know that those voices you’re hearing are… real. Everything here is real.”

“You mean the afterlife?” The man asked. “I know. I’ve died twenty times now. I remember those previous lives and I remember you.”

Yuuri blinked. “You remember me?”

The man smiled and nodded. “Of course. You are Death. I’ve met you each time I’ve died,” The man said. “However, I’ve only spoken to you once before and this is certainly a different experience to my last.”

“What do you mean?”

“Last time I met you, you weren’t living in a home with a man who looks at you as if you’re the most precious thing to have walked this Earth.” The man’s words made Yuuri feel his cheeks heat up. Victor didn’t look at him like that, did he? “Last time I met you, you didn’t speak to me the way you have today. You seem more… human.”

And Yuuri continued to debate if he was turning into a human, but the Universe denied that so it couldn’t be it. Yuuri stared at the man but not as harsh as before. The man was here for a reason other than to give him advice from the Universe. Yuuri could see it. “Is there something you want from me?”

The man stepped forward as he nodded. “It’s been a long life for me, Death. I’m sure you of all people understand that.” Yuuri did understand. He was old himself, older than all human’s combined. The man continued. “That’s why I’m here. I’ve found myself dreading having to live another life as a human. I know it doesn’t make a difference when I am born as I do not remember it, but when I die I just… hate knowing I must do it all over again. Do you understand what I’m asking of you?”

Yuuri swallowed hard. He knew. He understood and Yuuri wasn’t sure if he wanted to do it. “You don’t want to exist anymore.”

“I want to die, Death,” The man spoke. He moved forward and sat beside Yuuri on the couch. He breathed in a deep breath, soothing his soul before he said, “And I want to die properly, like how I expected to die during my life. I expected to die and that was it. I don’t want another life.”

This was a lot for Yuuri to think about. “You… do realize that it will be it. You won’t exist. You won’t experience or feel anything. You’ll just disappear without a trace. Is that really what you want?”

The man nodded. “That is what dying should be like. I shouldn’t have to die and relive. When I die, I want to die for good.”

The man didn’t care about another life and Yuuri found that strange. Twenty lives weren’t a lot compared to other souls that lived in the Universe. Some souls had lived hundreds of lives yet they still continued to be reborn into a new life. Yuuri wondered why the man was asking for this. He wondered why the man didn’t care for another life.

“If you give me a real reason, I will do it,” Yuuri said. He would do it if the man convinced him. If the man couldn’t, he would refuse. “It’s permanent. Once your soul is gone, that is it for you. I just want you to be certain.”

“I’m positive,” The man said, nodding. “And it’s brutal. Every life, I remember the worst of what had happened. I remember all the tragedies we as humanity have gone through and done. I’ve experienced them first hand and felt their death. I can’t go through that again. I can’t experience another life of tragedy and heartbreak. Surely you must understand, Death. You must understand what it feels to have experienced those wars and battles. You must hate mankind for all it has done in the past and what it must have put you through.”

The man’s reasons took a sudden turn. He was trying to get Yuuri to sympathize with him through hatred. Yuuri didn’t like that. He didn’t like that the man used the worst of humanity to get Yuuri to understand him.

“I could never hate,” Yuuri said. “There is a reason for those wars and those battles. They may not feel justified or right, but I cannot control what you as a human race does. And I cannot hate you for that. I can disagree, but I cannot hate. I feel your reason is that you cannot stand being a human anymore.”

“I can’t,” The man said, shaking his head. “I hate mankind. It’s awful. It’s horrible. I don’t want to experience that again. Please, Death, just let me die.”

The more Yuuri thought about it, the more the man’s reasons didn’t convince him. His hatred for humanity was from his own human thoughts. He was asking for something bigger than that. He was asking for something bigger than what Yuuri wanted to give him. Yuuri wasn’t going to let him die, but he did have an idea.

“I won’t let you die,” Yuuri said and the man sighed heavily. His head fell in his hands. “But I can offer you something else. I can offer you to live a life on a different world.”

The man’s head shot up. He stared at Yuuri through wide, unblinking eyes. “…What?” He asked with his mouth agape. “You mean you’ll send me somewhere else?”

Yuuri nodded. “I’ve never done this before, but I’m certain I can do it. Souls range from different shapes, sizes, and colors, but you’re all born and made of the same thing. I can find a world where your soul is similar to theirs.” There were worlds with similar souls. Yuuri knew of one he could let the man live on. Yuuri only worried about the chaotic, unpredictability of a human soul, so he wanted to make a deal. “But if you agree to this, you have to promise me to move on every time you die. I can’t have your soul refusing to move on because I won’t be there to help you.”

“What do you mean you won’t be there?” The man asked. “You’re Death. Aren’t you everywhere?”

“Those worlds don’t need me,” Yuuri answered. “They don’t need Death to guide them because their souls know to move on without any question. It’s human soul’s that are chaotic and questions itself. You don’t know how to move on without my help. That’s why I’m here and not there. Do you understand?”

The man nodded. There was a silence, which included the shower Yuuri could once hear. Victor would be back soon and he needed the man to come to an answer. Yuuri waited and eventually, the man sighed and nodded. “Okay. I want to do it. Anything to get away from here.”

Yuuri smiled. He then reached forward, his hands holding each side of the man’s head, right by where his soul rested. He hoped he could do this. He didn’t think it could be too hard. He closed his eyes and focused on his soul. He could feel the man’s hatred running through, but his acceptance to leave. The man was ready and Yuuri focused.

He had to imagine the man’s soul like a shadow. It was always there with him – he could never outrun it. Except for in the darkness and Yuuri concentrated on that. He concentrated on the silence of space and time, where no soul existed and no light was seen for the man to have a shadow. Yuuri felt his soul separating. It was much like forcing a soul into moving on, only different. Yuuri wasn’t forcing it to move on. He was willing it to move.

Then Yuuri felt it in his hands. He felt the life and consciousness of the man in his palms. His energy was strong much like his presence was. Yuuri needed to focus on the new world he would live on. He needed to focus on that life, of their souls. And in that exact moment, he felt a new-born. He did not hesitate as he focused hard, willing the soul to live that life of that new-born. He encouraged the soul with guidance and trust.

And then there was a silence.

Yuuri opened his eyes and blinked. He searched around the room, looking for the man who was once there but he knew he was no longer there. The man was long gone, on a distant planet that wasn’t even in the same galaxy. Yuuri felt a relief. He had done it. He had done what he didn’t think he could do and Yuuri smiled to himself.

“I don’t know what you’ve done but it’s warmed up in here,” Victor said as he came walking into the room with a towel around his hips. Their eyes met and Victor’s brows dropped. “Yuuri, are you okay?”

Yuuri didn’t realize he didn’t look okay. He thought the smile on his face would have encouraged Victor to not ask that question. Yuuri nodded and said, “Of course. I’m fine.”

Victor gave him a suspicious look but didn’t press on for more. He only walked forward and kissed Yuuri lightly on the forehead, smiled, and said, “I’ll be back in a minute. Shall we watch something?” Yuuri nodded. An evening in the comfort of each other’s arms felt good.

 

* * *

 

Victor found that he was somebody that liked to do things.

He had always been busy. When he was young, he was always doing something. When he grew older, he never found himself sitting around doing nothing. He was a person that liked to do things. He liked to skate. He liked to adventure. He liked to live.

And he still wanted to do something with his day, but he also found that he didn't.

He had never had this much free time before and half of it, Victor didn’t know what to do with himself. He didn’t know what to do to keep himself busy or to keep his mind occupied. When he would plan to do something, he would change his mind and decide to not bother. And it was nothing but a constant frustration.

He didn’t understand why he would change his mind. He didn’t understand why he wouldn’t want to keep himself busy when before, that was all he wanted to do. It was even worse because when he wanted to do something and he changed his mind, he would be at a constant battle with himself asking why he did that and why his mind wouldn’t shut up. He felt he didn’t know what he wanted and he wanted to talk to Helen about it.

And when Victor found himself back in Helen’s office, sat in his usual spot with Helen writing something down in her notepad of what Victor had just said, he thought now was the best time to mention it.

“I’ve found myself in a bit of a struggle with something,” Victor said and Helen paused her writing. She glanced up.

“Is it something you would like to talk about?”

“Yeah. It’s why I mentioned it,” Victor said. “I’ve retired now. I’m not going to be skating anymore and I don’t really know how I feel about that yet. But that isn’t what I want to talk about.” Victor had to pause to think.

“What is it you want to talk about?” Helen asked, encouraging Victor to continue.

“I want to do things but I also don’t,” Victor sighed. “It’s annoying. I want to do things and keep my mind occupied but when it comes to actually having to do it, I just don’t want to. I’d rather lie in bed and just ignore the world. But I don’t want that! And I don’t get it. I really, really don’t get it.”

“What is it that you want to do?” Helen then asked. “Is it simple things, such as the washing up, or is it planning to meet up with, let's say a friend?”

“It’s everything,” Victor answered. “It’s having to do the washing up, the laundry, and getting up in the morning. But it’s also making plans to meet up with people. It’s wanting to go out with Yuuri and show him my home town. I want to do it but I can’t find myself wanting to.”

Helen pressed her pen to her lips as she thought to herself. “Would you say you feel unmotivated?”

“I can’t say unmotivated,” Victor answered, shaking his head. “It’s more… I don’t really know.” He didn't know how to explain it properly. He felt there was something missing with his explaination. “This is how I think about it. I want to do things, but I think I mostly want to do it to keep my mind busy. And now I don’t have anything to do and I’m unable to keep my mind busy, I feel like I’ve just fallen into my own thoughts. I’m stuck inside my mind and it’s not letting me out.”

“Victor, I would like to mention Worlds. Is that okay?” Helen asked. Victor had to think for a moment. He had asked to not mention Worlds, at least, he asked to not mention Worlds. He didn’t want to talk about it yet. But he wondered why Helen wanted to mention it, so he nodded. Helen asked, “Were you like this before you went to Worlds, or after?”

Victor thought about it. He had days where he felt like that, but it felt different. He knew when he was having his bad days that he would be unable to do anything, but that was because he felt so heavy and numb. Those days, he felt like getting out of bed was just as hard as pulling himself out of the ocean, but his clothes are soaking and heavy and he had weights on his feet. This feeling sometimes felt the same, but it was different.

He didn’t feel like he was having a bad day. He felt like that even when he had his good days and he felt happier with himself and the day to come. He just struggled to do things, even if they were simple and easy. And that had begun after Worlds.

“After,” Victor answered. “It was after.”

Helen nodded as she wrote something on her notepad, then turned back to Victor and then asked, “Do you ever feel afraid when you know you have something to do or people to meet?”

Victor’s brows dropped. “What do you mean?”

“It seems that you’re struggling with tasks, whether they’re simple, daily tasks required to keep you on top of things, or seeing people who have judgment and thoughts that you cannot control,” Helen explained and Victor still didn’t understand. “Now, why do we do tasks?”

“To finish them,” Victor said. Helen waited for more. Victor scratched his head as he thought harder. “To… to accomplish something and… that’s it?”

“There are two ways to look at a task,” Helen began. “You complete a task because you end up better off than you are now. You’ve made an accomplishment and an achievement. The reason why I ask if you are afraid to do tasks, Victor, is that when somebody is afraid they’ll screw up the task in question, that doesn’t become a focus for them.”

“So you think I’m scared to achieve something?”

“Do you think that?” Helen questioned. Victor didn’t answer. “It is related to your depression. That isn’t a doubt. However, I believe it’s also down to anxiety and doubt that undermine your motivation to ‘achieve’.”

The more Victor thought about it, the more he began to feel it was true – especially when it came to anything to do with skating. The most difficult thing to do was to talk to Yakov, or meet with Yuri. If it was related to skating, it was the hardest thing to do.

“Do you think this is at all related to what happened at Worlds?” Victor then asked and Helen nodded. “Because I failed at Worlds, I’m scared to fail everything else that I just… think it’s best to not do them?”

“I do believe that is a major cause.”

“How do I stop it?” Victor asked. He wanted to stop it. He wanted to help himself and find a way to be who he was again.

“Well, I think we can first start off with helping you find a way to keep yourself occupied when you don’t know what to do,” Helen began. Victor took a deep breath and nodded. “Perhaps you can find yourself a new hobby. You can learn an instrument, or maybe get into knitting?”

Victor turned his nose up at the suggestions. He didn’t want to do that. “Perhaps I can teach myself how to skate again,” He found himself saying, then pressed his hand to his mouth. He didn’t mean to say it out loud and Helen stared at him.

“Is that what you really want to do?” Helen asked, cocking her head to the side.

“No.” He was certain of that now. He didn’t want to go anywhere near skating. “That was just… just a thought that went through my mind.” Helen only nodded and wrote something down in her notepad. Victor bit his lip. “What can I do to stop being scared?”

Helen raised her head, pausing her writing. “I say we need to first tackle the way you see a task,” She explained and Victor stayed silent, taking in every word. “What we should try is helping you find a way to look at a task without it being undermined by doubt. I believe you’re currently seeing a task as a way to hang onto what you’ve already got – to avoid loss.”

“It’s because I lost my career, isn’t it?” Victor asked, feeling nothing but a heavy dread tug at his heart. He really wished Worlds had gone differently. “I knew it was going to affect me if I did lose, but I didn’t think it would change me this much.”

“But we can work on that, can’t we Victor?” Helen asked. Victor glanced up at her. He had doubt, but he also had hope. He wanted to work on it. He wanted to get better and while he was alive and breathing, he would continue to try. He smiled and nodded, agreeing with her.

“I’m going to get better,” Victor stated and Helen returned the smile. “I want to. I want to get better but not just for myself. I want to do it for everyone else too – for Yuuri, and Yakov, and everyone else in my life.”

“Why do you want to do it for everyone else too?” Helen asked and Victor knew the answer.

“Because I love them,” He said without a beat of hesitation. “I love them all so much. They’ve cared for me all through everything, even when I didn’t feel I deserve it. They still sat with me and held onto me, even if I had tried to push them away or tell them I’m not worth it. They still care for me and I wished I had realized that sooner.”

“It’s good that you’ve seen that,” Helen said. Victor agreed, nodding his head. “Would you like to tell me what made you realize that?”

Victor thought back to it and decided he would like to. He felt Helen would be proud of him. “It was at Worlds,” He began. “I honestly thought that after… the fall, I would have lost nearly everyone. I thought Yakov wouldn’t want to keep in touch with me, especially if I wasn’t his student. I thought Yurio would have just thrown me to the side and ignore me. I thought the other skaters wouldn’t care… But they did. They all did. Yakov still cared about me and Yurio asked if I was okay and even visited me. I had Chris visit me too. I even had a skater who I’ve never spoken to before asked Yuuri if I was okay. He doesn’t know me, but he still cared. And I can’t believe I didn’t realize that sooner.”

“Whether you saw it sooner or later, you’ve seen it now and you should feel proud of yourself,” Helen said. Victor did feel proud. He felt he had achieved something he couldn’t have done months ago. Helen then said, “But I am curious. You said nearly everyone, so there was somebody who you thought wouldn’t leave you. May I ask who that is?”

“It’s Yuuri,” Victor answered. It was always Yuuri. “It was my Yuuri who I knew wouldn’t leave me. He has never once left me, even when we had our argument at Europeans, he didn’t leave. He stayed by my side and that… I think that was the first moment that I knew for certain he would never leave. And when I told him I wanted to be with him for a long time, he said so too. And he’s stuck by that word. He’s…” Victor trailed off, losing his train of thought.

Helen raised a brow, waiting for Victor to continue but he didn’t. “He…?” She asked, wondering if Victor would continue his sentence.

And then Victor felt a rush. He felt a build around his heart, one that made it skip a beat and made him feel weightless and alive. He needed to express how he felt. He needed to get it out and as he met Helen’s eyes, he uttered the words, “I love him.”

Helen smiled. “That’s great, Victor.”

But it didn’t satisfy his need. He needed to say more. “I love him so much. I have never felt this way about someone before. Even when we made love for the first time, he cared for me so much and made sure I was okay. And nobody had ever done that for me. He cared and loved me so much and it really made me realize how much he means to me.” He had to pause to breathe. He could feel tears in his eyes and he wiped them away before they fell. “And would you believe we still haven’t told each other that? I know Yuuri loves me back, but we just… haven’t said it yet.”

“Do you want to tell Yuuri you love him?” Helen asked.

“Yes,” Victor said, nodding. He would love to tell Yuuri that. “Yes, I do. I – I want to tell him. I will tell him. I’m going to tell him, Helen. Today – no, tomorrow. No, when I get home. Wait, no, I want to make it special…”

“Regardless to when you tell him and how you tell him, I’m certain Yuuri would appreciate it,” Helen spoke. Victor looked at her and agreed. Yuuri would appreciate it. Yuuri would love it.

And then their session ended and Victor didn’t even realize. His excitement to tell Yuuri had taken over his every thought and Victor couldn’t wait to get home. He couldn’t wait to be by Yuuri’s side and tell him everything he felt.

He was going to tell Yuuri he loved him. Not today, but maybe tomorrow. He didn’t know when, but he knew he wanted it to be right. He wanted it to be special because he wanted to put in the effort. For Yuuri.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> VICTOR!!! DO IT BBY DO IT FOR YUURI (´♡`ʃƪ)
> 
> ~
> 
> Also! The next chapter may not be ready until Tuesday, but I will try and get it up for Monday!! We shall see ;3


	25. Chapter 25

Yuuri noticed the sudden brightness in Victor’s soul. There was an excitement that nestled its way through and pushed back his negativity, bearing bright against the cracks that had widened.

And Yuuri had no idea why that could be.

He noticed the change after one of Victor’s therapy sessions. Victor came home that day with a smile on his face and his soul shining a little brighter and Yuuri couldn’t help but wonder what changed it. He had no idea why it changed or what was making Victor feel so excited, but Yuuri really, really wanted to know.

He wanted to know what was making Victor happier. He wanted to keep Victor that happy and excited for as long as he could. And he wanted to know why Victor was feeling that emotion he couldn’t understand more strongly than he had before. Whatever Helen had told him, helped Victor’s soul improve more than it had before and Yuuri wanted to know how to help Victor in that way. But he couldn’t.

He had stopped intruding on Victor’s therapy sessions. He knew it was bad for him to have done so in the first place. Victor deserved his privacy. Victor deserved time away from Yuuri, in his own comfort and without Yuuri knowing every aspect of his life. And Victor told him about his sessions anyway, so Yuuri didn’t need to intrude.

Except he knew Victor wasn’t telling him everything about that recent session. Victor had told him about the session but he didn’t mention anything that Yuuri could guess was what caused his excitement and that feeling to arise. It made Yuuri want to know. It was a little for his own selfish need, but mostly for Victor. He just wanted to know what made Victor so excited and happy.

Yuuri decided he would just have to wait. Whatever Victor was excited about, Yuuri was certain Victor would eventually tell him.

But then days went by and Victor didn’t utter a word – or even a hint – that let Yuuri know what was making Victor so excited. Victor held onto that excitement, even when he came back from his next session, that excitement was still there. That emotion Yuuri couldn’t understand was still there, holding on and keeping his negative feelings behind for a while. And Yuuri really wanted to know.

He wanted to find a way and try to convince Victor into telling him, but that idea he decided wasn’t any good after he guessed what Victor was hiding may have been a secret. And Yuuri had no right to try and get Victor into telling Yuuri his secret. Yuuri had his own secrets, so Victor was allowed his own. But it didn’t stop Yuuri’s curiosity from reminding himself of a possible secret every five minutes.

Victor would tell him soon. Yuuri was certain of that. But when he didn’t know.

There then came a day where Victor was not dealing with life very well. His soul was hurting and the excitement he once felt was pushed back behind the cracks, hiding behind the negativity and self-hatred that ripped through once again. Victor wasn’t in the best shape and Yuuri wanted to help him feel better. He wanted to help Victor fight against the water he was drowning him – to show him the blue sky above and help him swim towards it.

Yuuri did what he always does when Victor was having his bad day and found the softest blanket in the house, wrapping Victor in it to keep him comfortable and warm. He made sure Victor kept himself fed by giving him food and water when it was time they usually ate and made certain that Victor ate, even if it was the smallest bite. He would then spend the day by Victor’s side, lying with him until the day ended. There were some days where all Victor would want is to keep Yuuri close because all Victor would want to feel is human contact. And other days, Victor would want to be by himself and not touched by anyone – Yuuri included.

Today wasn’t that day and Victor wanted to be as close to Yuuri as possible.

They lied like that for the rest of the day. Victor had his arms wrapped around Yuuri’s torso, pressing his head in the crook of Yuuri’s neck and keeping him close. Yuuri kept him pulled in with an arm around his waist and a hand buried in Victor’s hair, stroking his fingers back and forth and weaving his fingers through Victor’s locks. Yuuri knew the action eased Victor’s mind when he began to overthink and his mind ran haywire. It kept Victor relaxed, as well as feeling Yuuri’s soft kisses. It made Victor feel warm and wanted.

Yuuri would keep Victor like that until his soul hurt less and it began to fight back against the negativity that swarmed around him. When Yuuri was certain Victor felt that little bit better, he would ask Victor how he was. Victor would sometimes tell Yuuri the reason why he felt so low. Other times, Victor wouldn’t have a reason. On some days, Victor would just wake up like it with no reason other than it being a bad day.

And that day when Victor’s soul began to feel a little better, Yuuri had asked Victor how he was feeling and received a response he didn’t expect.

“I think it’s because I’ve been feeling happy.”

Yuuri’s brows dropped. He moved back, glancing down at Victor who looked up at him. Yuuri was trying to figure out what he meant by it but nothing was coming to mind, so he had to ask, “What do you mean?”

Victor took a long, deep breath. “I just been feeling happy, but every time I begin to feel better and feel happier, something happens. I’m just waiting for something bad to happen, I’m sure it’ll happen soon.” He then turned his gaze away, shifting to lie on his back and stare up at the ceiling. He closed his eyes and took another deep breath, calming himself before saying, “I just expect something bad to happen. It always does, and I’m just waiting for it.”

Yuuri shifted to his stomach and sat up, keeping his eyes on Victor. He had that unfocused stare in his eyes – the one that made Victor overthink and feel numb. Yuuri moved forward and pressed a gentle kiss to Victor’s cheek. He then moved close to Victor’s ear and whispered, “We’ll always be there for you if something bad happens. We all care about you, Victor. I just want to remind you that.”

Victor blinked away the glaze over his eyes and slowly turned his head. He focused on Yuuri. His eyes fell to the smile Yuuri had on his face and when he returned a weak smile, Yuuri felt he achieved something. Victor then swallowed hard and said, “I know you all do. I know and I’m so happy you’re all here for me.”

Yuuri then had an idea. He knew he might not get an answer, but he wanted to try. He took a deep breath, preparing himself and reminding himself what to say. He met Victor’s eyes and asked, “Can I ask you something?” Victor held his stare for a second before nodding.

He wasn’t going to ask Victor why he had been excited the past few days. It would give away too much and Victor would question how Yuuri knew. Instead, Yuuri was going to ask something different, but related. He just needed to word it properly.

“I know that some days you have a reason to be sad…” Yuuri then paused, reminding himself how he was going to ask. “But what about on the days where you’re happy? There’s a reason for you to be happy those days, isn’t there?”

When Victor didn’t answer immediately, Yuuri feared that he only made things worse. He was ready to apologize but then Victor’s lips stretched into a soft smile and Yuuri’s fear subsided.

“I’ve come to realize that more people support and care for me than I thought. And I haven’t felt so alone in a long time now, but knowing that I have that support, I feel like I will never be alone again. That just made me really happy,” Victor answered and Yuuri smiled wider. Victor’s hand rose, reaching up to stroke along Yuuri’s cheek as he said, “And knowing I can spend more time with you makes retiring that little bit easier.”

Yuuri felt his cheeks warm up and his chest swell. He couldn’t hold himself back and he told himself not to as he moved forward, kissing Victor softly. The idea of knowing his presence was enough to make Victor happy meant the world to him. It meant so much and he wanted to let Victor know that. He pulled back but stayed close, their noses touching and their breaths lingered against their lips as he said, “That means so much to me, Victor.” Then it was Victor’s turn to lean in for a kiss.

They nestled back into each other’s arms after that, deciding that it was the best way to end their evening. They shared many soft, lazy kisses with each other, finding peace and comfort in just being with each other. It was complete satisfaction and Yuuri was basking in it.

Yuuri kept his eye on Victor’s soul but he found the longer he watched it, the more his eyes drifted away from it and onto Victor himself. He was slowly drifting to sleep as his eyes stayed closed and his soul went to rest. There was something oddly beautiful about the way Victor slept. He looked so soft and gentle. His skin seemed so smooth and delicate that Yuuri hesitated to touch him.

But he couldn’t help himself. His hand reached up, his fingers delicately tracing along his cheek and cupping it in his palm. His thumb stroked along his cheekbone, feeling the warmth from Victor’s skin and the softness beneath his fingertips. Victor’s warmth seemed to seep into Yuuri’s being, comforting him in a way that Yuuri never felt before. That touch was something Yuuri began to ache for – desperate to feel Victor when he felt he hadn’t for so long.

He then moved his hand down, tracing his thumb along Victor’s lip gently. His lip was so soft beneath his fingertip and Yuuri wanted to feel them against his own. He wanted to feel that simple touch that made him lose his thoughts and warm his chest. His hand left Victor’s cheek, stroking down to Victor’s neck and he couldn’t hold back any longer. He couldn’t help himself as he moved forward and kissed Victor lightly.

The way they felt against Yuuri’s own was almost an obsession. Yuuri wanted to kiss Victor as often as possible, for as long as he could. His hand drifted further down and coming to a stop against Victor’s chest. He could feel Victor’s heartbeat – every single pound in his chest. It was Yuuri’s reminder. That beat in Victor’s chest was Yuuri’s reminder of what he did and what he stopped Victor from doing. It was Victor’s life and with every beat, it reminded Yuuri that he saved Victor. It reminded Yuuri that he is the reason for Victor’s heart continuing to beat safely and away from harm.

Yuuri then met the impossible blues of Victor’s eyes and he didn’t realize that Victor had woken up until his mind caught up with him. His face dropped and he felt the immediate need to apologize. “I – I’m so sorry,” Yuuri stammered as he removed his hand, bringing it close to his chest. “I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

Victor’s expression never changed as his hand wrapped around Yuuri’s wrist, bringing his palm back to rest against his heart. Yuuri’s eyes dropped to his hand and back up to Victor’s eyes. Victor then smiled and Yuuri felt weightless when Victor kissed him back. “That was the best way to wake up,” Victor breathed against Yuuri’s lips and moved back in for another kiss.

Yuuri hummed and wrapped his arms around Victor, pulling himself closer. He rested his head against Victor’s chest, his ear where Victor’s heart was. He found peace in the sound and closed his eyes, concentrating on that noise.

Yuuri knew that whatever could happen to Victor in the future – whatever Victor may go through, Yuuri would follow him through hell and back if that was what it took to keep him safe. He wanted to protect Victor, to be his shield and keep him safe from harm. He sometimes wondered if he cared for anyone else. The only soul he felt he cared for anymore was Victor’s. And he was trying so hard to keep it as well as possible.

Yuuri knew he was going to stay with Victor and that Victor was going to stay with him. They trusted each other, more than they had anyone else. And whatever storm they may go through in the future, whatever obstacle they could find themselves in, they would stay together and ride through it together, because that was how much they meant to each other.

Yuuri then felt Victor press a soft kiss to the crown of his head. Victor’s arms tightened around Yuuri, keeping him close. And just above a whisper, Yuuri heard Victor utter three single words that spoke, “I love you.”

And Yuuri’s world stopped.

Love… He didn’t understand it. But it made him stop. It made him pause every movement, every breath he breathed, and every blink of his eyes as he became overwhelmed with that emotion he couldn’t understand. Yuuri moved back and stared at Victor with unblinking eyes.

“…Love?” He had to ask. He needed to know. It felt so familiar – so obvious but he couldn’t work it out. He was missing something big.

“Yes, Yuuri. I love you,” Victor said without any hesitation. Yuuri rapidly blinked. He should know this. He should. It was right there and he could feel it. “You make me incredibly happy. You helped me so much and I love you so much for that, but you’ve done more. I feel warm and alive when I’m around you and I know that may not seem like it when I have my bad days, but I always appreciate your love and comfort. I feel so much better when you’re around and I can’t imagine my life without you anymore.”

Yuuri swallowed hard. His chest was rapidly jumping everywhere. He couldn’t control it. He couldn’t calm it down. “Victor…” It was all Yuuri could say.

“I am in love with you, Yuuri Katsuki,” Victor said quietly. “I won’t keep that to myself any longer. We’ve only just been postponing something that we’re destined to say. I believe you were sent to me for a reason, Yuuri. That night in France, you were a gift to me – my savior in an ugly shirt and a weird view on life, but someone who I fell for hard and fast. I love you, Yuuri. More than anything in the world. I love you.”

And Yuuri felt like he was hit with a ton of bricks when his mind dropped and his eyes widened. That was it. It was love. That emotion he couldn’t understand. That emotion he had spent so long wondering and feeling confused by – it was love. He was in love this whole time and he had no idea. He pressed his hand to his mouth, trying to stifle the inhuman noise he just made. He was in love.

It was so obvious now.

“That’s love?” He found himself asking and Victor nodded with dropped brows and a confused look on his face. Yuuri felt so stupid. He felt completely and utterly dumb for not realizing it sooner. He was in love with Victor – and Yuuri started to laugh. “I – I’ve loved you this whole time? How did I not… I – Victor!”

Yuuri sat up. He couldn’t believe it. He did believe it. He had never felt so happy to find something out before. Everything made sense now. He was in love. Yuuri could say without a doubt that love was his favorite emotion. It made him feel. It made him want to dedicate his time and energy to the person that loved him back.

And the fact that Victor loved him too made Yuuri’s chest swell in such a way that he could feel it beating. His chest was beating as if he had a heart there. He didn’t have a beating heart, but he could feel a familiar sensation against his chest, pounding hard and pulling in all directions. He was in love, and he loved being in love.

“Victor!” Yuuri gasped, suddenly turning to Victor who was sat up too. His hands pressed to either side of Victor’s face, keeping Victor facing him. He couldn’t believe it. He had to tell Victor. He had to let him know. “I love you too. I – I didn’t – I had no idea I was in love for so long. This is love. And I love you too, Victor.”

Victor was biting something back. It looked like a laugh, but it also looked like a cry. Victor then shook his head just as a single laugh escaped his lips and he laughed, “You really are something else, aren’t you Yuuri?” Yuuri watched as a tear slipped from Victor’s eyes and that feeling came back. That one feeling Yuuri couldn’t figure out before returned – and he knew it was love.

Yuuri didn’t need to look at Victor’s soul to know that Victor was in love too. Victor was just as overcome with love and affection as Yuuri was.

Yuuri felt this was all too good to be true. He couldn’t believe it. He never thought he could ever become who he was now. He was Death. He wasn’t supposed to become who he was. But he had and he was in love. Death himself had found love with a lonely soul he found near the end of its life. Yuuri couldn’t stop thinking about it. It was such a strange concept to him, yet the feeling of love felt so natural.

He was so overwhelmed with his emotions that he wanted to laugh, but he also wanted to cry. He wanted to kiss Victor too. He wanted to love him for the rest of his life and give Victor as much happiness as he could.

So Yuuri did what he desperately wanted to do.

His hands weaved through Victor’s hair, pulling him forward. Yuuri met him half way as they kissed. It was a complete mess and their teeth hit each other’s but neither pulled back. They only corrected themselves, adjusting their second kiss to near perfection. Yuuri moved himself closer when Victor’s arms wrapped around his waist. He shifted onto Victor’s lap and pressed his body to Victor’s.

They lost themselves in that kiss It was gentle and warm but just as needy as any other. Yuuri’s fingers twisted in Victor’s hair and the hum of pleasure that jumped through Victor gave Yuuri a sudden desperate need. He wanted to touch Victor and feel every inch of his skin. He wanted to remember his softness and his curves. He wanted to hear every sound Victor can make, every silent whimper to loud gasp of pleasure. Yuuri wanted to hear it all.

And as Victor’s hands slip under his shirt and his fingertips trail up his back, he didn’t doubt that need any longer. It felt different knowing he was in love. That sexual need he felt was no longer something he thought was primitive. This was more than just them needing to have sex. This was them wanting to make love.

He let Victor pull off his shirt. He took that break away from their kiss to help Victor out of his, slipping the shirt over his head. Victor’s hair went scruffy and messy as the shirt pulled over his head and Yuuri instinctively reached out, running his fingers through his hair to smooth it down. Their pause was short lived before they met for their kiss again, mouths opened and desperate to feel each other.

Yuuri didn’t realize he was on his back until he felt the soft comforter and saw Victor’s body hover above his. Yuuri gasped when Victor’s lips pressed to his neck. It sent tingles across his skin. His eyes fell shut, taking in the feeling and it felt so good. Victor then pressed his hips forward, bringing their hardened lengths to press together and Yuuri didn’t dare bite back the moan that fell from his lips.

Yuuri’s legs wrapped around Victor, pulling himself up so he could feel that friction again. A pleasured sigh escaped his lips and he heard Victor’s breath shudder – his body quivered at the touch. They pulled away for a moment. There was something about his gaze that Yuuri could never find in another person. It was as if in that moment, Victor’s souls found what it needed.

And Yuuri could feel it. He could feel that bright touch of love that made Victor’s soul be its brightest and gleam with emotion. Yuuri could feel everything.

It was radiating. He could feel so much love from Victor’s soul. It was so warm and loving. It made Yuuri want to keep Victor protected and safe from the world. He could feel how Victor saw his love too, and Victor’s love for Yuuri was his everything. Yuuri was what Victor saw the world in and Yuuri could see it in the way Victor was looking at him.

As much as Victor’s soul held so much love, his sorrow still held on. Victor felt happy and loved and although it was the most happiest Victor had been, his sorrow held on tighter than glue. It refused to budge. As much as Yuuri wanted it to go, he knew it was going to take time. Yuuri’s love for Victor wasn’t going to solve everything, and neither was Victor’s love for Yuuri. It was going to help Victor continue to recover, but it wasn’t going to magically make Victor better. And as much as Yuuri wished it could, regardless to that little ounce of sorrow that ate away at Victor’s happiness, he was still undoubtedly beautiful to Yuuri.

Yuuri realized he didn’t need to use the word ‘love’ to know that was what he had been feeling. He didn’t know it was love before but now he was thinking about it, he used words that were the same. He called that feeling affection, passion, and devotion. It was his desire to explore his sexuality with Victor. It was all the times he missed Victor and his devotion to helping him as much as he could. It was Yuuri’s care and the way he looked at Victor. When Yuuri stared at Victor, he saw someone that opened a new world to him. He saw a soul that changed him.

And then Yuuri’s world came crashing into him like a meteorite, and Yuuri realized just how stupid he had been.

Yuuri pressed his hands to his mouth, stifling whatever cry was threatening to escape. He could see the concerned gleam in Victor’s eye. It nearly made it worse. He could hear Victor saying something but he blanked it out. He was overwhelmed. Everything was making sense to him and it was too much for him to think about in one sudden moment. He didn’t know how to feel. He didn’t know what to do and all he wanted was to cry.

He couldn’t hold it back anymore. He squeezed his eyes shut as a sob escaped his lips, his cries ripped through his body as his shoulders shook with each cry. He couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t understand why he had been so oblivious to this. He was supposed to be Death – a being that had such a huge responsibility in the Universe and he couldn’t even identify the emotion that was love. He couldn’t figure out why he had changed for months. He just felt so, so stupid.

“Yuuri?” Victor’s voice broke through, coming clear as Yuuri found a moment to catch a breath. He blinked his eyes open, meeting Victor’s blues and he felt himself struggling to stop his cries again. “Yuuri, are you okay? Please, talk to me.”

And the dams broke once again. His arms went around Victor, pulling him in for a tight embrace. He needed to feel that touch. He needed to feel Victor’s comfort. And when Victor pulled him in just as strong, his breath trembled as he let out his cries.

He was in love. He was so, so in love and he didn’t realize it. And that was why Yuuri had changed.

The first moment Yuuri saw Victor, he felt something. He couldn’t say it was love back then. He was looking back at it and it didn’t feel like love. He felt something else. It felt like a connection. He felt connected to Victor’s soul in a way he never had before and that was the moment he started watching over Victor.

Whatever that connection was wasn’t influenced by love.

But the longer Yuuri found himself devoting his time to Victor, the more he fell deeper into that pit called love. But it wasn’t a pit. It was like a cloud, high in the sky and he wasn’t falling, but floating instead. He was raising higher and higher until he met Victor up there, along that bridge and Yuuri couldn’t let Victor die there.

If Victor had died that night, Yuuri would have lost the only love he ever felt.

Yuuri gripped onto Victor tighter. He never wanted to let him go. He never wanted to lose Victor. The more he thought back to that night where he was so close to letting Victor die, the more it made Yuuri cry harder against Victor’s shoulder. He was going to let Victor follow his fate and Yuuri couldn’t believe how close Victor was to dying. He may not have known what he was doing or what he was feeling, but looking back at that night, he couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened if he did let Victor die.

The thought of Victor dying hurt. It hurt him so much.

“Don’t – don’t ever leave me,” Yuuri wept into Victor’s shoulder. He hiccupped and cried, unable to stop his tears that fell down his cheeks. “P-please. I – I can’t lose you, Victor. Don’t you ever try t-to die again, please.”

Yuuri’s crying came to a halt when Victor pulled back immediately and pressed his hands to either side of Yuuri’s head. Yuuri blinked his last tears to fall down his cheeks as he stared at Victor. There were tears down his own face but his eyed held a determined fire and a stern look as he stared at Yuuri.

“I won’t ever try that again, Yuuri,” Victor said, his voice confident as he shook his head. Yuuri bit his lip to stop his sobs, but he was unable to stop the tears falling. “I don’t want to die. And I won’t. I won’t put anyone through that again. I promise.”

Yuuri nodded and closed his eyes. Victor’s arms went around Yuuri, pulling him back into his embrace and Yuuri fell into it with ease. He still felt so stupid. He couldn’t believe how long it had taken him to realize this. He probably had Victor waiting for so long for him to show his love and Yuuri felt the sudden need to explain himself.

“I’ve spent so, so long trying to figure out what it was I was feeling. I knew it was a good feeling, but I didn’t know… I didn’t know it was love,” Yuuri murmured against Victor’s shoulder. “I feel so stupid. I – I can’t believe it…”

“Yuuri, Yuuri stop,” Victor hushed him as he gently started rocking side to side. “It’s okay, you figured it out. I love you and you love me, okay? Remember that.” He then felt a kiss to the side of his head before the embrace tightened. “I love you so much Yuuri. My Yuuri~”

“And I love you, Victor,” Yuuri murmured. He bit his lip and nodded to himself, confirming his own statement. “I love you. I – I can never grow tired of saying those words.”

They found each other’s lips again, kissing one another in more ways than just to fulfill a need. It was their confirmation of their love. Their dedication to each other – the truth behind their words and what each needed in that moment.

And that night they finished what they had started before the tears began to fall. Yuuri had wanted to feel Victor that night. He wanted to feel what Victor had the first time they had sex. They made love alone in their bedroom, behind locked doors separating them and the rest of the world.

Then they held each other in their arms. The comfort of each other’s touch was enough to ease Victor into a peaceful sleep. Yuuri wished it was the same for him. He couldn’t help his mind running haywire. He had so much to think about but his mind couldn’t stop thinking about his own love.

But he could piece it together enough for it to make sense.

He found out the unknown feeling he couldn’t identify. He was in love, but it wasn’t all he discovered. He finally, finally found the reason why he had changed. He had finally discovered one of the answers the Universe had questioned him and he felt a sense of accomplishment. And he knew he had the answer.

He could feel the Universe again. He could feel its aura surrounding him, wrapping him in a gentle embrace that reminded Yuuri of who he was and what he could once feel. The Universe was around him and it was his confirmation that yes, he finally found an answer.

Yuuri didn’t even need to have the Universe confirm it for him. He knew just from the obviousness of it. The moment he first saw Victor was when he felt something. That something wasn’t love, but there was a connection which had developed into a sense of love, and then the rest of his emotions.

Yuuri thought back to that night on the bridge again. He didn’t know what it was that had him stop Victor. He didn’t know if it was his love or the connection he felt that made him act unexpectedly, but whichever it was, he was thankful for it. He still knew even now that he should have let Victor follow his fate and die that night, but that was just his role as Death thinking for him. But he couldn’t let Victor die. He couldn’t let Victor meet that fate and from that moment on, he began to feel more.

He fell in love but not with Victor’s soul. His soul was beautiful but Yuuri only felt a connection to it. Yuuri fell in love with Victor. He was in love with Victor and who he was. He was more than just his soul. He was more than just a shield to protect the delicate soul that sat inside of him. Victor was so much more. And he is the only human Death fell in love with.

Yuuri couldn’t say Victor wasn’t special, because he was. He caught Death's eye and nobody had done that before.

And he had done more than that.

Yuuri fell in love with a human that unknowingly helped him develop a sense of humanity. And it was Yuuri’s love for Victor that was the reason why he changed – why he adventured into that part of himself. He had fallen in love with Victor over the time he spent watching over him and Yuuri may not have realized it then, but now he can see it. He began to feel more until that night in France came and something inside Yuuri had awoken. Victor began something new in him. He helped Yuuri begin to connect with a side he didn’t know existed.

And that changed him.

Yuuri had answered one of the questions the Universe had for him. He found out why he had changed. But now he had to answer the other two. He had to remember what he had forgotten and what he was searching for.

He had a hint for what he had forgotten. After the Universe sent that spirit to him, giving him those little hints, it led Yuuri to believe it had something to do with Victor. Whatever he had forgotten had to do with Victor’s previous life – the one soul he couldn’t remember meeting. Whatever Victor’s first life was, had an importance to Yuuri. But he just couldn’t remember.

And as he watched Victor sleep, he wondered why Victor was so important to him that Yuuri not only changed his fate, fell in love with him, and developed a whole new side of him, but why he couldn’t remember that part of Victor and why Victor was that important that he did change so much in Yuuri.

Yuuri stared into Victor’s soul, watching the sorrow that still held on a fight against the happiness and love that Victor felt. As Yuuri watched the emotions clash, he wondered what it was hiding beneath all of that. He wondered what was beneath his emotions, right down to the core of Victor’s soul that nobody but Yuuri could access.

If only Victor would allow him to access it, then Yuuri would know.

He wondered so much about Victor. The more Yuuri got to know Victor and the longer he lived along-side him, the more Yuuri realized that there was more to Victor’s soul than what meets his eye. There were questions Yuuri had about him that he wanted and needed to know. He had so many questions.

But Victor had his own questions too. He had questions about Yuuri and his true nature. He had questions about Yuuri’s strange attitude and his lack of experience with living. He had questions about Yuuri’s request to not take him to the hospital when that demon injured him, or why Yuuri didn’t know what crying or love was. Yuuri knew he had those questions

Yuuri had the answers and he was going to let Victor know. Victor deserved to know. He had promised that he would tell Victor one day and Yuuri knew now was better than never. He had made a promise to himself that once he discovered that unknown feeling, he would tell Victor. He knows that that feeling was. It was love, and Yuuri had a promise to keep.

Victor woke up the next day in the happiest mood Yuuri had ever seen him. His soul shined even brighter than the day Makkachin moved on but this time, he woke up with a reason to be happy. Yuuri got up with Victor and helped him cook breakfast, assisting him in the kitchen as he always did. That morning felt like any other. The world still spun and the birds still sang. Nothing felt out of place.

But Yuuri knew that today wasn’t like any other day. Yuuri was going to do what he thought he would never do. He was going to tell Victor he was Death. A day after discovering coming to his own discovery, it was time to let Victor come to his own.

They sat down with their food in front of them and Victor happily ate away his hunger. Yuuri continued to eat because it was a normal thing for humans to do, but he still never felt hungry. But that day, he didn’t even want to force himself to eat. There was a heavy nerve in the pit of his stomach. It tugged and sat heavy inside him and he really didn’t feel like eating.

“Yuuri?” Victor asked when he was half way through finishing his own mean. Yuuri glanced up at him, eyes wide as he stared at Victor. “You haven’t eaten a lot. Are you alright?”

Yuuri took a deep breath and bit his lip. He was readying himself. He put down the cutlery and moved in his chair, wanting to face Victor fully. He stared straight ahead, eyes meeting Victor’s and he knew he was ready.

“Victor. I have something I want to tell you.”

He just hoped Victor didn’t look at him any differently when he knew the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: Hey, we have fluff coming  
> Also me: But someone still has to cry
> 
> THEY DID IT! YUURI DID IT! THEY'RE IN LOVE AND A QUESTION HAS BEEN ANSWERED!!!  
> ☆*:.｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆  
> That end too! Is Yuuri going to stick by his word and tell Victor? Or will he change his mind and decide to tell Victor at a later date? WHO KNOWS! ;)
> 
> Also, I had this song shoved on repeat while writing this [x](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VWp7tPe77Jk) Take a listen to it if you'd like! <3


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just for that cliffhanger, I'm giving you guys a longer chapter because I love you all ( ˘ ³˘)♥

 

Victor paused his eating. He glanced at Yuuri, his eyes tight and worried. “Is everything alright, Yuuri?”

Yuuri breathed in harshly in a poor attempt to ease the nerve-wracking pull in his chest. He shouldn’t feel like this. He was just telling Victor the truth. He had no reason to feel hesitant to tell Victor. Yuuri took a peak at Victor’s soul, wondering how he was feeling. He wanted to check it first before he would say anything. Yuuri came to an instant stop when he saw Victor’s soul was aching a little.

Victor was scared for what Yuuri wanted to tell him.

Yuuri didn’t want that. He didn’t want Victor to fear anything Yuuri wanted to tell him. He wanted Victor to feel neutral about Yuuri’s words. He didn’t want to see any fear, doubt, or caution. He can’t do it now. He can’t tell Victor just yet. He was so happy right now and Yuuri didn’t want to ruin that happiness with the truth. He could never forgive himself if he did that.

Yuuri swallowed hard and started playing with his hands, trying to get his mind to work. “I – I just wanted to say…” He should say it. He will say it. He has no reason to postpone this any longer. “I just want to say that I’m…” Victor would be fine and he would be happy knowing the truth. Yuuri took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and prepared to speak the truth. “I’m… really happy that we’ve gotten where we are.”

Yuuri was an idiot.

But Victor smiled and reached out, taking Yuuri’s hand in his own. Yuuri had made Victor happy and he was pleased with that. He wasn’t pleased with himself. Not in the slightest. He should have just told Victor, but he couldn’t come to do it.

He needed to tell Victor, but clearly, today wasn’t the day.

Yuuri tried again the next day and again, he found himself unable to tell Victor – and the same thing happened the next day. And then the next. And Yuuri found himself constantly coming up with reason after reason to not tell Victor he was Death. He tried telling Victor again but Yuuri had made Victor worry with how he announced that he wanted to talk and instead, he diverted the conversation to something completely unrelated. Yuuri didn’t understand why he kept on doing it.

He found himself in a battle with himself. He hated that he was struggling to tell Victor. He had no reason to not tell Victor the truth or divert the conversation in any way.

A week had gone by and Yuuri still hadn’t told Victor he was Death. Then Victor had a bad day and Yuuri found yet another reason to not tell Victor. Yuuri wondered to himself why he was worrying so much and why he felt so scared to tell Victor.

Then he realized why he hadn’t told Victor. Yuuri was scared. And it was a pointless fear.

And it wasn’t until late one evening when he and Victor were watching a movie that Yuuri found a way to tell Victor. He saw the character willing himself up in the mirror, talking to himself and giving himself the confidence to talk to his love interest. Yuuri wondered if that would work. He wanted to try that.

That was how he found himself in the bathroom when the movie had ended, talking to himself and giving himself the courage to step outside and tell Victor the truth. He had been in there for a while now, staring eye to eye with himself. He could feel determination running through his blood as he said, “You can do this.” He can do it. He was willed and ready. He has no fear. He was strong and prepared for anything. Yuuri nodded at himself, stood tall, and spoke the final words to himself.

“You are Death himself. You have no fear. You are not afraid to tell Victor who you really are.”

He was ready.

He stepped out of the bathroom and strode into the living room. He opened his mouth, ready to speak but he didn’t see Victor anywhere. He heard movement in the kitchen and Yuuri turned on his heel, stepping into the kitchen instead.

His eyes fell on Victor grabbing a mug from the cupboard. Victor turned and met Yuuri’s eyes, smiling as he did so. Yuuri stared straight back into his and with as much courage he could muster, Yuuri spoke three simple words he struggled to say for the past week.

“Victor,” He began. “I’m Death.”

Victor only stared at him. He was still, as if he had just been frozen on the spot. He then blinked and gently put down the mug in hand. He took a deep breath, looked Yuuri dead in the eye and asked with more defined movements to his mouth, “So, you cannot hear me?”

Yuuri was hit by a sudden shock. He stepped back, startled by Victor’s words. “What?” Yuuri asked, confused why Victor had said that. “Yes, of course I can hear you.” It then hit him. He realized Victor thought he said he was deaf and Yuuri had to take a deep breath. This wasn’t going the way he had imagined it would go in his head. This was going off his plan.

He had to try again.

“I – I mean like… I’m Death himself. Like…” Yuuri felt himself cringe at the name, but he had to say it for Victor to understand. “Like the Grim Reaper… But don’t call me that.” He huffed to himself. He didn’t want to use that name but he had no choice. He crossed his arms and looked up at Victor, curious by his response.

Victor continued to stare at him. He was just as silent and still as before, only his brows dropped as his stare held confusion. Then suddenly, he let out a loud laugh and Yuuri was shocked. Victor stifled his laughter behind his hand, trying to keep it at bay. Yuuri didn’t know what to do or say. He didn’t know if this was just Victor’s reaction or if Victor didn’t believe him. He didn’t know and he didn’t understand, so he had to ask.

“What’s so funny?”

Victor’s laugh died down as he wiped a tear from his eye. “Oh, Yuuri. That’s a good one.” He let out a giggle then forced himself to stop. “But – but really though. You’ve been wanting to tell me something, haven’t you? That’s a good joke, but really Yuuri, whatever you want to say to me, I’m sure it’s fine. You can tell me.”

But Yuuri _had_ just told Victor. He tried to tell him but he didn’t believe him. Yuuri sighed and diverted his gaze to the ground. He needed to find a way for Victor to believe him. Yuuri wanted to tell him the truth but he also wanted to show Victor the truth. He wanted Victor to believe him without a single shred of doubt.

And then Yuuri had an idea.

Yuuri reached out and took Victor’s hand. “Come with me,” He said and Victor followed him. Yuuri told him to put on his shoes and when they were ready, Yuuri took him outside into the cold night.

He wanted to get up someplace high. He wanted to be up on a roof or a mountain, somewhere where he and Victor could see the stars. He glanced up, eyes falling to the dark sky above. He couldn’t see as much as he wanted. It was hidden away by the light that surrounded them. That wasn’t going to do.

“Victor,” Yuuri said, turning around to face him. “Do you know anywhere where we can go that’s high up?”

Victor thought to himself before meeting Yuuri’s eyes, knowing a place to go. “On the roof of our home. There’s a ladder we can use to get up there.”

Yuuri nodded and turned back around. They made it back home and Victor went to the side, pointing towards a ladder attached to the side of the house. Yuuri never knew what was there. He stepped forward and began to climb up. He turned, checking that Victor was behind. He was following closely. They then made it to the roof and as Yuuri looked up, the sky didn’t seem any different. He let out a disappointed sigh. He really needed to see the stars well.

“Yuuri, why are we up here?” Victor asked as he walked towards Yuuri. Yuuri turned to look at Victor. “I really don’t understand what is happening right now.”

“I wanted to show you something but I don’t think I can right now,” Yuuri said as he stepped close to Victor. He reached out, taking Victor by the hand with a smile to his face. “But I can tell you. I can do that.”

Yuuri guided Victor near the edge of the roof, standing there in silence. They could see the streets and homes below them but this wasn’t what Yuuri wanted to show Victor. He wanted to show Victor what he couldn’t see, but that would have to wait. He wanted to try and tell Victor first. He wanted to try and get Victor to believe him through his own words.

“I know this may seem like a joke at first. I know you will struggle to understand, but I want you to believe me through my words,” Yuuri began. He took a deep breath and turned to face Victor, making sure he was concentrating. Victor stared at him, meeting his eyes and Yuuri continued. “I can prove I am Death to you in a million different ways, and I will if you need me to. But I would like you to believe my word. I would like you to trust me. And I want to tell you what it is like. I want to let you know how I see things.”

Victor stayed silent. He only stared at Yuuri with unreadable eyes. Yuuri took that as a good time to continue but he struggled to find where to begin. He wanted Victor to know but he didn’t know how to. He decided to just let his mind do the work for him – to explain what he feels and what it’s like.

“I can feel it,” He began, deciding it was better than nothing. “I can feel the space that sits between us and the time that in my eyes is impossibly still. I can see the souls in thousands, and in millions when I look up at the sky.” His eyes looked up to the sky, seeing clusters of bright souls shining against the darkness of night. Victor looked up too, but he was unable to see. “I see nothing but a shining beacon of life, even when I stare along the horizon. It’s beautiful to the eye that can see. And only I can see it, Victor. Only I can see that life for what it is. Only I can feel that life running through my veins and giving me knowledge only a human could dream of.”

“Yuuri…” Victor trailed off, unsure of what to say.

“That is what it is like,” Yuuri continued. “That is what being Death is. It isn’t an endless void. It isn’t being greeted by a God and judged for your actions. It isn’t even me taking life. It’s me giving life. You live, then you die, then you’re reborn once again. It’s a cycle. And It’s constant, otherwise life would be pointless and all will be lost. I have a very specific role in the Universe. I don’t just guide people in the afterlife. I allow death to be. My existence allows things to die.”

“Do you believe me now, Victor?” Yuuri asked, turning to face Victor. Victor met his eyes. “Do you understand me when I say these things, or is everything sounding even more farfetched?”

Victor took a deep breath. “I will be honest, Yuuri…” He then paused, trying to collect his thoughts. “I want to believe you, I really do. But you’re asking me to believe you’re something that just happens. Death, it… how can you be Death?”

Yuuri’s words weren’t enough to convince Victor, but Yuuri had said he had a million ways to prove it, and he did. His grip around Victor’s hand tightened as he said, “Look up.” Victor was hesitant but he looked up at the night sky. “Now, close your eyes,” Yuuri said and Victor closed them, keeping them shut.

Yuuri had never done this with a person before, but after that previous spirit he helped, he felt a lot more confident in his own abilities. He already knew that he couldn’t go far with Victor by his side, but he could go far enough to get them up high.

He closed his own eyes and felt for Victor’s soul – which wasn’t hard to find. He could always find Victor’s soul easier than others. He held onto it and with a single willing thought, a harsher wind suddenly replaced the cold. Their feet hit a different textured surface and as he opened his eyes, he caught Victor letting go of his hand and stepping forward.

Victor was stood still as he stared down at the landscape below. They were surrounded by snow that coated the mountain top and there was an icy wind that bit at his cheek. Up there, time stopped. The mountain did not care for minutes and hours, or even the years that went by. It was silent and it was what Yuuri needed. He needed the silence but he also needed the darkness that surrounded them.

“What?” Victor gasped, his head moving from one direction to another as he took in his surroundings. He spun on his heel, eyes wide and shocked that he was suddenly in a new place. He stared at Yuuri, eyes unblinking as he asked, “H-how did – how did we…?”

“I took us up here,” Yuuri answered, walking over to stand next to Victor. Victor didn’t reply or react because he didn’t know how to. “We are outside of Saint Petersburg. We’re on top of the mountains and away from the light pollution. I wanted to show you this.” Yuuri looked up at the night sky and Victor did too.

The stars were brighter up here. They were easily seen even through the eyes of a human. Yuuri wanted to show Victor that, but he wanted to show him more. He smiled when he heard Victor ask, “Why… why here?”

It didn’t matter where. As long as they could see the night sky clearly, it was all that mattered.

“Tell me what you see up there.”

Victor was silent for a moment, unsure of everything that was happening. “I see stars,” He eventually answered, clearing his throat.

Yuuri stepped close and pointed up towards the sky. “Right there, do you see it?” He asked, trying to show Victor the one specific star he was pointing to. Victor squinted his eyes, trying to see exactly what Yuuri was pointing at.

“You mean that star?” He asked to be sure.

“Yes,” Yuuri said as he dropped his arm. He was going to tell Victor a story – his story. “Just beyond that star, a million lightyears away from here, was where I was born.”

Victor blinked as he stared up at the sky. “Wow.” It was all Victor could say. He squinted his eyes, trying to see what Yuuri could see but Yuuri knew he couldn’t, no matter how hard he tried. It was too far for the human eye to see, but Yuuri could still see it. He could always see it.

“That was where the first star died,” Yuuri said as he stared at his own star. “That was what created me.”

Victor turned to Yuuri, eyes full of wonder and question as he asked, “What was it like?”

Yuuri raised a brow. “For the star to die or for me to be created from it?”

“… Both.”

Yuuri could recall the time well. It was something he could never forget. “It didn’t feel like anything,” Yuuri answered. He remembered the way it felt. He couldn’t feel a thing. He was just a spiritual body back then. Nothing could make him feel. “I was awoken by a voice. They told me my role and I progressed through the Universe, jumping from planet to planet until I came here.”

There was a silence as Victor turned his attention back to the sky. He stared up with wonder and awe as he gradually took everything in. He was learning and accepting, trying to understand Yuuri through his own human words, but he could never fully understand. He wanted to see what Yuuri could see, but Victor couldn’t through his own eyes. He needed to see it through Yuuri’s eyes in order to truly understand.

But Victor was trying to understand and Yuuri appreciated it.

“My light still shines,” Yuuri suddenly said.

Victor looked at him. “What?”

“I can still see the light of my star,” Yuuri said, staring at the light that shined bright against the darkness of the sky. “You can’t see it, but through my eyes, it’s still up there.”

“Why do you still see your light?” Victor asked. “If you were born from a star that died, wouldn’t we not see your light anymore?”

“The light still has yet to reach our planet,” Yuuri began his explanation. “When I gaze upon it, I am looking at my past. I am looking at a time that no longer exists, but I can still see it as if nothing had changed.” He then paused. “Every soul is born from the death of a star. And everything that has awareness, subjectivity, the ability to experience or to feel, has a soul. That includes you, Victor. And Yuri, and Yakov, and everyone else you know. When I look upon our sky, I see a million souls and a million lives, all living and breathing and existing in a time that does not yet exist for us. They are our future and we are their past. But others –” He pointed elsewhere, towards a cluster of bright lights in the sky that Victor couldn’t see. “– Are our past, and we are their future. And to think, there are people on that planet gazing upon us and thinking the exact same thing.”

Yuuri then reached for Victor’s hand, lacing his fingers between his own. Yuuri wanted him to see. He breathed and focused on his own energy becoming one with Victor’s soul. If he shared some of his spiritual essence with Victor, perhaps Victor could see it too. And Yuuri concentrated on that, sharing that little bit with Victor and when Yuuri heard him gasp, he knew he could see it.

“Can you see it?” Yuuri asked. Victor’s hand pressed to his mouth as he nodded. His eyes sparkled in the shining light of souls above him. Yuuri smiled and turned back to the sky. “To me, your souls are those stars we are gazing upon right now. You shine so brightly like those stars up there and the souls on other worlds. You’re all unique in your own way, and so hauntingly beautiful to gaze upon too.” Yuuri paused to look at Victor’s soul that sat inside, then to Victor himself. His eyes stayed glued to the night sky, staring with wonder and awe and Yuuri couldn’t help his warm smile. “You’re unique in your own way but nobody is special. You’re not a shining beacon that separates you from other souls. You’re not different. You’re just like any other soul that walks along this planet and lives amongst the stars, but that doesn’t make you any less of my time. I can find your soul in the thousands without needing to see your face. I feel familiar with your soul.”

Victor looked at Yuuri with uncertainty across his face. He didn’t speak another word.

“A million souls, Victor,” Yuuri continued, “A million souls that could have made me the person I am today and yet, you changed me in more ways than I ever imagined. I chose you. And I will always choose you. A million souls and only one caught my eye.”

Victor breathed in a shaky breath and swallowed hard before he asked, “What does my soul look like?”

Yuuri pointed to the sky. “Like those souls up there. It shines like the star it once was, but…” He paused, turning back to Victor’s soul. “It’s hurting. It’s hurt and surrounded by sorrow that’s trying to hide your life. But it has so much fight. I’ve watched it fight over these months and I admire it so much. I admire you, Victor. To me, you’re more than just your soul and I think that’s why you’re so different to me. I think that’s what makes you different to everyone else. I fell in love with _you_. Not your soul, but you, Victor.”

Victor is unable to keep his smile back. He tried to bite it back but it did a minimal effort. “How on earth did a person like me catch the eye of Death himself?”

Yuuri caught on what he said. He blinked, a little startled as he asked, “You believe me?”

Victor nodded. He glanced up at the sky for a second. He couldn’t see what he saw before. He used up the energy Yuuri had shared with him and he glanced back to Yuuri. “I just saw a sky full of souls. I teleported up here with you, and you speak about life like you’ve lived it and known it for thousands of years.” Victor then nodded again, as if he was confirming the truth to himself. “It’s hard for me to say I don’t believe you. But it also feels so weird to say that I do.”

“I’m actually thirteen billion years old, Victor,” Yuuri corrected and Victor’s eyes widened. “I’ve known life for longer than a thousand years.”

Victor then let out a laugh. “And here’s me thinking I’m old,” He said then fell silent. He took a deep breath and scratched his head, a question sat on the tip of his tongue. “So, how… how did I catch your eye?”

Yuuri couldn’t answer that. He didn’t really know how to. “I only just discovered I was in love with you, Victor. I’m still struggling to understand myself and these emotions I’m feeling.” He then noticed Victor’s questionable stare and Yuuri had to explain it better. “I felt a connection with you and then I fell in love. That connection is something I cannot explain yet. I assume it has something to do with love, but I don’t know. Your soul is still just the same as everyone else on this planet, but you just caught my eye in a different way. You’re just another soul, but it’s okay to be just another soul, because I still felt something. I still felt a connection to you.”

“I was nothing special…” Victor paused and Yuuri held on, waiting for Victor to continue. “But you still fell for me. That… means a lot to me Yuuri.” And Yuuri smiled. It made him feel warm.

“I’m glad,” He said softly.

There was a moment where neither knew what to do or say, but it was okay. They didn’t need to say anything because both knew even without words that they’ve made their connection stronger. They made a bond that could never be broken, through a secret that Yuuri had only ever told one singular soul. And that soul was standing right in front of him.

And Yuuri wondered why he was so worried. He was so pleased Victor now knew. And god, did he love Victor. He loved Victor so much.

“Can we go home now?” Victor broke the silence. He crossed his arms tightly, trying to keep himself warm as he shivered against the cold wind that swept through them. “It’s really cold and I don’t have my coat on.”

Yuuri had forgotten that Victor feels the cold. “Oh, sorry,” Yuuri apologized. “I don’t actually feel the cold so I just forgot.” It felt nice being able to talk freely about himself. And before Victor could ask about that, Yuuri had moved them back into their living room, quicker than a blink of an eye.

Victor staggered as they landed. When he caught his balance, he stared around the room, taking in the sudden new surroundings and Yuuri smiled. Victor didn’t seem to know how to react to him being able to be in one place to another. But then Yuuri noticed how pale his face was and he worried. “Victor,” Yuuri’s hand fell to Victor’s shoulder, turning him to face Yuuri. “Are you okay?”

Victor took a deep breath and nodded. He moved to sit down on the couch and said, “Yeah, I’m fine. That just makes me feel weird.” He then pressed his hands to his stomach and groaned. “That made me feel sick.”

Yuuri sat beside Victor, placing a hand on his back. He didn’t realize the effects teleporting had on Victor. He hadn’t said anything before about any sickness. Yuuri wondered if it mattered on the distance if it was just traveling in general that made Victor react to it badly.

Victor suddenly jumped to his feet and ran out of the room. Yuuri watched where Victor ran and when he heard desperate heaving coming from the bathroom, he decided to leave teleporting Victor to the rare occasion. He stepped up and followed Victor inside. He saw Victor with his head hanging over the toilet, vomiting the contents in his stomach back up. Yuuri sat down beside him, rubbing circles over his back to sooth his heaving and comfort Victor while he was sick.

Victor’s vomiting came to a gradual stop. He raised his head, still looking just as pale from before but he had a little color to his cheeks. Yuuri handed him some tissues and Victor used it to wiped his mouth then threw the tissue in the toilet and flushing it. Yuuri helped him to his feet and guided Victor into their bedroom, laying him down on their bed and putting the sheets over him.

Yuuri then left him for only a moment, returning with a glass of water in hand. As Yuuri walked back into their room, he saw Victor sat up in bed and Yuuri sighed. “Victor, you should lie down if you are unwell.”

Victor took the drink, taking a sip before saying, “I feel better now.” He put the drink to the side. “I just needed to get that out of my system. It didn’t sit well.”

Yuuri still didn’t like that he was up. He was unwell. He should be resting. “I think you should still lie down.”

“But I have questions,” Victor said excitedly. “I just learned my lover is… well, Death himself. It’s – wow. It’s so strange just saying that to myself. I don’t know how… I don’t know what to think.”

Yuuri smiled then moved to sit beside him. He held Victor’s hands in his own, smiling brightly at Victor as he said, “I know it’s a lot to take in, but I’m so happy you’re okay with it.”

“Okay with it? Of course, I’m okay with it,” Victor said. “It’s who you are, Yuuri. It just – It just doesn’t feel real.”

Yuuri could understand that. Who he is was something beyond a human’s understanding. They had their own idea of a personified Death – that being the popular concept of ‘the Grim Reaper’ – but he wasn’t believed in nor was he viewed in any strict religious manner. He was mostly seen as a personified force of death, but never a being that existed. He didn’t exist the same way their ‘Gods’ existed.

“I understand that,” Yuuri said because he did. He knew it was a lot for Victor to take in. “It’s eye opening, I assume?”

“It’s more than just eye opening. It’s – I can’t even explain it! Everything you said and showed me was enough evidence to prove that it’s real. That it’s so, undoubtedly real…” Victor trailed off and paused to collect his thoughts. “But I just… I think I’m doubting myself because of how – how _big_ this is! Yuuri, you’re Death!”

Victor was taking this better than Yuuri thought and he was so pleased. His fear of Victor not taking it well didn’t even come to mind anymore. Yuuri smiled at Victor and nodded. “I am,” He said happily, “I’m Death.”

“I just have so many questions,” Victor said and Yuuri knew this was coming. Victor would want to ask as many questions as possible. Yuuri took a deep breath and prepared himself, ready to answer anything. “There’s just so much I don’t really know where to start. I just… What is it that you do, exactly?”

Yuuri smiled. It was an easy question to begin with. “I guide people in the afterlife,” Yuuri answered. “When somebody dies and their soul becomes a spirit, I assist them and help them move on to their next life if they are unable to do so themselves.”

“So, you greet them and help them move on?” Victor asked and Yuuri nodded. Victor’s face eased into a soft smile. “That’s so sweet, Yuuri. You don’t make people feel so alone when they do move on. But it’s just… so many people die in a day. How – how do you see all of them if you’ve been with me most of the time?”

Yuuri wanted Victor to not get overexcited with the questions. He knows Victor has a lot to ask, but he had just been sick and Yuuri didn’t want him to make himself sick again. He wanted Victor to settle down and rest, not ask so many questions. “You should really go to sleep, Victor,” Yuuri said, brushing a hand through his hair.

Victor nodded and said, “In a minute,” but Yuuri knew it was going to be longer than a minute. “I just want to know that. If you’re here, how are you helping all those other people in the afterlife?”

Yuuri was going to try and hold Victor’s word, but he doubted Victor was finished asking questions. “I have other forms,” Yuuri answered before deciding to go into more detail. “If I had to describe it, I would say I’m like a God. I can be in multiple places at once. Those other forms are me, but they’re different. They cannot feel, nor are they alive. But they exist and they help the souls I can’t help. I only see to a few specific souls.”

Victor was nodding to himself as he took it all in. He then met Yuuri’s eyes as he asked, “Are you a God?”

In an instant, Yuuri shook his head. “No. I am absolutely not a God. Don’t…” He didn’t want Victor to see him as a God or call him one. He just wanted Victor to look at him like he did before – as if he was the world. “I don’t like being called a God. I don’t want to be seen as one either. Just… don’t call me a God, please.”

Victor nodded. “Okay. I won’t call you that.” He didn’t hesitate or question it and Yuuri was thankful. Victor cleared his throat before asking another question, “What – what kind of souls do you see then?”

“Victor, you should sleep.”

“Yuuri, please. I can’t – I – I need to know,” Victor was shaking his head as his grip around Yuuri’s hand tightened. He had a desperate plea on his face and Yuuri found it hard to deny that face. “You can’t just tell me you’re Death and expect me to not ask questions. I just need to know a few things and then I will sleep, I promise. Just….”

Yuuri sighed hard. Victor was right – he couldn’t expect Victor to not ask questions about his true nature. But Yuuri didn’t want him to get overwhelmed with asking them either. He wanted to find a good middle where Victor can ask questions and Yuuri didn’t worry about him overdoing it.

“You can ask me two more questions,” He said, deciding that Victor needed a limit. “Two more and then we leave the rest for tomorrow, okay?”

Victor nodded, agreeing to Yuuri’s terms. “Okay,” He said, “But the question I just asked doesn’t count as one since I asked it before we agreed. So, answer that one and I have two more left.”

Yuuri couldn’t argue against that. He had made a solid point and Yuuri couldn’t work around it. “I see to any soul that needs my help, really,” Yuuri said, deciding to go straight into answering the question. “Some souls can move on without my help while others need my help and guidance. I see to those who need my help. And sometimes I get spirits who refuse my help, and other times they’re an evil spirit. When that happens, I have to force them to move on. If I don’t, the outcome can be a little… bad. When they don’t move on they can sometimes become demons.”

Yuuri shuddered at the thought of a demon. He never wanted to face one again. He glanced up at Victor, hoping he didn’t notice his sudden spike of fear. Luckily, Victor was caught up in his own thoughts. Victor shook his head to himself as he said, “There’s so much I want to ask but I can’t…” He paused, then faced Yuuri when he found something to say. “I do want to know more about evil spirits and demons. Are – are they dangerous?”

“That’s one question left,” Yuuri reminded him and he nodded. “And yes. Evil spirits are… not nice to have around. They can become violent. Demons, however, they’re the most dangerous. They can kill and not just a human, but a soul too. And I have to end a demons’ life before they end someone else’s. It’s… inhumane what they do. Killing a soul, it’s the worst possible way to go. It’s horrible.”

“Yuuri…” Victor’s voice shook and Yuuri met his eyes. He could see the fear running through them and Yuuri knew even without Victor speaking what he was going to ask. “Please don’t tell me a demon hurt you. That night you came home covered in blood and cuts, it wasn’t a demon that did that to you, was it?”

Yuuri didn’t want to lie to Victor about that. He deserved to know the truth. “Yes,” Yuuri nodded. “It was a demon that hurt me.”

Victor breathing in hard as his head fell into his hands. Yuuri tried to ignore the dread that rushed through Victor’s soul but he couldn’t. He wanted nothing more than to ease it, to bring it back to a gentle pace. “It was strange because usually, I don’t bleed,” Yuuri said, trying to ease Victor’s soul. “But I knew I would be fine. I can’t die, Victor.

Victor’s head shot up. His eyes were wide as he stared at Yuuri. “…You can’t die?”

“What would be the point of Death existing if Death could die?” Yuuri questioned. Victor stayed silent. “That was why I asked you not to call an ambulance. I can’t die and I knew my wounds would heal quick. I didn’t need the help and I didn’t want to be asked questions.” Yuuri’s mind repeated that evening and he remembered how scared and worried Victor was. And Yuuri never even apologized. “I’m sorry if I scared you. I had no intention of doing so. Like I said, I usually don’t bleed but that demon was strong. It was the strongest I’ve ever fought, and I guess that was why it hurt me.”

“So, you have to kill demons?” Victor asked and Yuuri nodded, noting to himself that it was Victor’s last question. “Why do you have to do it? I don’t – if they hurt you, I don’t want you to fight them. I don’t care if you can’t die, you shouldn’t allow yourself to get hurt like that.”

It warmed Yuuri knowing Victor didn’t want him getting hurt. He smiled as he held Victor’s hand, meeting his eyes as he said, “I’m the only one who can do it.” Victor let out a sigh. “And that was your final question, Victor.”

Victor blinked, startled into a silence as he shook his head side to side. “Wait, no. Yuuri, no, I have one more question.” Victor pleaded and Yuuri sighed. He wanted Victor to rest. He was unwell and overwhelmed with questions. “Please, this will be my last question I promise. I really need to know this, please. Please, Yuuri.”

Yuuri’s head dropped as he sighed. He had no choice. He looked up at Victor, giving in to his begging as he nodded and said, “Okay, Victor.” It would be his final question.

Victor gave him a weak smile before taking a long, deep breath, preparing himself for the final question. He was silent for a moment, thinking of what it was that he wanted to ask. When he met Yuuri’s eyes, he knew Victor found his question.

“That night in France… The night I was going to kill myself. You knew I was going to jump, didn’t you?” Victor asked, staring at Yuuri with a raised brow. “When I was standing on that bridge, you knew I wanted to die, yes?”

Yuuri didn’t want to lie to him. “Yes.”

“And you stopped me."

“Yes.”

Victor was silent. “Were you supposed to stop me?”

Yuuri didn’t know how to reply. He was supposed to have let Victor die that night, but he didn’t know how to tell him that. He didn’t even know how Victor would react to knowing he had to die and it could easily lead to Victor asking if it caused any consequence. Yuuri wanted to avoid any talk of a consequence for now. He wasn’t ready to speak about it yet.

It was just the same as him wanting to tell Victor he was Death. He wanted to wait for the right time. He wanted to wait until he was certain Victor would be fine. Humans were emotional and unpredictable. He didn’t know how Victor would react, especially after his loss at Worlds, Victor couldn’t accept that news just yet. Yuuri just wanted to wait until Victor was in a right state of mind.

But could he tell Victor that he needed to die that night?

He didn’t want to tell Victor that he was supposed to die. He didn’t want it leading to more questions. But he didn’t want to lie to Victor either. He didn’t want to say yes and have Victor believe a lie. Yuuri didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what to say.

He decided that he wasn’t going to lie, but he wasn’t going to tell the truth, either.

“There’s a saying I’ve heard some people speak of me. They say, ‘Death is not choosing a time, place or years’. They call me destiny.” Yuuri said. “I create my own path. If I chose to save you, that is what was meant to be.”

It was the truth. Yuuri chose his own destiny – his own path to follow. But it wasn’t the complete truth.

Victor closed his eyes and breathed in, then out. He moved forward, pressing his forehead against Yuuri’s as he said in a shaky voice, “Thank you, Yuuri.” He squeezed his eyes when a tear fell down his cheek and wiped it away with his hand as he said, “I really want to kiss you but I was sick and that wouldn’t be very nice.”

“I don’t fall ill and I don’t taste,” Yuuri said. “If you want to kiss me, you can.”

But Victor still hesitated. “No. No, I can’t. I’ll just…” He then moved back and got up from the bed, disappearing into the bathroom. Yuuri waited for him and a couple of minutes later, he came back and sat beside Yuuri. His breath smelled like mint. “I just brushed my teeth,” Victor said. “I think that’s a lot better if you’re still willing to let me kiss you.”

Yuuri didn’t need to be asked. He moved forward, pressing his lips to Victor’s lightly. Now that Victor had mentioned it, he did feel a little reluctant to kiss him after he was sick, but as their lips touched, he found he didn’t think about it too much. They only kissed, neither wanting to go any further so soon after Victor had vomited, but it was enough to satisfy them both.

Yuuri brushed a hand through Victor’s hair, smiled at him as he eased him to lie down. Victor settled against the comforter and buried his head further into the pillow. “I want to ask more questions tomorrow,” Victor told Yuuri as he lied down beside him. “But like you said, I should rest.”

“It’ll make you feel better,” Yuuri said as he pulled Victor close. Victor moved with him, pressing his head to Yuuri’s chest and closing his eyes, trying to fall asleep. But Yuuri could see just from Victor’s soul that he was restless. Sleep was going to be a little harder for Victor tonight, but Yuuri still wanted him to try.

“Do you sleep?” Victor suddenly asked.

“No. I don’t.”

Victor hummed. “So, you just lay here and wait for me to wake up?”

“Yes, but I don’t mind though,” Yuuri said quietly. “It gives me time to think. And I like the way you look when you sleep. You’re so relaxed and at peace.”

Victor strengthened his grip around Yuuri he pulled himself closer. “I always wondered,” He mumbled. “I remember a few times when I would wake up at some stupid time and you were still awake. I had some suspicion that you were just a night owl, but never sleepless, I guess.”

Yuuri didn’t realize that all those times Victor did wake up, he was aware that Yuuri was still awake. He always thought Victor would have been too tired to remember, or even thought he was dreaming. “I don’t need to sleep,” Yuuri said. “I don’t need to eat or drink either. I don’t have human needs, Victor. I’m Death. I just… exist.”

“I’m going to worry about half of that tomorrow,” Victor said silently. He pressed his head further into Yuuri’s chest, trying to get himself comfortable. “But I do want to ask this… you really don’t eat?”

Yuuri shook his head. “No.”

“But you eat with me,” Victor said.

“It was so you didn’t ask questions,” Yuuri said. “It would have looked weird if I never ate.”

Victor hummed to himself as if he was thinking. “Do you like eating?”

Yuuri hadn’t thought of that. He had to think for a moment. “It’s okay, I think. I feel it’s more of a chore for me than it is for you, since, you know… I’ve never had to worry about eating before,” Yuuri said and tried to think more about it. “I don’t mind food. I usually eat through texture. I like soft things or things that can melt in my mouth. I don’t like things with bits in them, like that orange juice you like. And I don’t like things which look soft but has something crunchy inside. That puts me off. It doesn’t make sense. Why make food soft on the outside but crunchy on the inside?”

Victor let out a laugh, shaking his head against Yuuri’s chest. “It makes so much sense now,” He said, smiling to himself. Yuuri was glad Victor was making sense of things. He was also very happy that he told Victor. He doesn’t have to hide who he is anymore. He doesn’t have to keep Victor worried about who he is or what he’s hiding. Yuuri can just be Yuuri. He can be Death. And he doesn’t have to fear Victor finding out or Victor getting concerned over him. And it felt nice.

“You don’t have a heartbeat,” Victor suddenly murmured.

Yuuri knew he didn’t and he wondered why Victor mentioned that now. “I’m not a living being. But neither am I a dead one. I wouldn’t have any use for a beating heart.”

Victor hummed. “Would you ever want one, one day?”

It was another question Yuuri had never thought about. A beating heart would mean he was alive and breathing, and Yuuri could never be alive and breathing. If he had a beating heart, would he feel any different?

He didn’t know.

“I don’t know,” Yuuri answered honestly. “I wouldn’t know. I don’t know what a beating heart feels like. Do you think I would prefer one?” He had to ask Victor. Victor had a heart beating in his own chest. He would know what it was like.

“I would like to hear one inside you,” Victor said and Yuuri felt his chest tug. He wondered if that was what a heartbeat felt like. “I’ve always wondered why I could never hear your heart. I always assumed it was just quiet.”

Yuuri didn’t know how to say to that. “No, It’s just… not there.”

“It’s nice knowing this about you. I feel I know you better,” Victor said quietly and Yuuri didn’t want to reply. He only tightened his grip, pulling Victor in, and keeping him as close as possible.

He did as he always does every night and stayed by Victor’s side as he slept. Yuuri’s mind was still wide awake and buzzing with questions as he wondered to himself what Victor would want to ask next.

He knows one day, Victor will ask if he really was supposed to die that night. He also knows that Victor will soon suspect that Yuuri’s actions were what caused his career ending consequence, but Yuuri was going to tell him eventually. He was going to let Victor know the truth, but not now. He couldn’t do it now. Worlds was only a few weeks ago and Victor was still recovering from his loss. He won’t say a word until Victor was better.

He knew that would take time, but it was for Victor’s sake. He couldn’t add any more sorrow to Victor’s soul. That was if Victor cared about his career anymore. He was certain Victor did. He was still at loss with what to do, but he was taking his retirement a lot more easier with the help of Helen.

But Yuuri would tell Victor when he was better. Victor hasn’t suspected anything yet and he hasn’t asked, so Yuuri felt some peace for the moment.

One day, Victor will know. But today wasn’t that day.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YUUUURRIIIIII DID IT!  
> And man, this was one hell of a chapter to write. It's now the longest chapter I've written for this fic!! We learned a lot about Yuuri in this chapter and we're going to learn even more! I hope you all liked it! Much love! <3<3


	27. Chapter 27

 

Yuuri decided to get up before Victor did the next morning to cook him some breakfast. The only difference about today was that Yuuri didn’t cook for himself.

He thought a lot about the night and what he had told Victor as he was cooking. He felt he could take a moment to think for a bit. Victor had taken the news rather well. It was great. It went better than Yuuri had thought – which had him suspicious. Victor had taken it a little too well and he felt something wasn’t right about that. Victor had learned something which should have made him question his existence and everything he knew and yet, Victor took the news really well.

Yuuri wondered if Victor would have a different reaction to him today. Victor had the night to think about everything to Yuuri wondered maybe Victor change his mind about some things. He didn’t want to think that because Yuuri was happy with how Victor had taken it all. But like an itch, it sat in the back of his mind and he was unable to scratch it.

Yuuri didn’t doubt that Victor would have more questions for him today and he was prepared to answer as many as he could. He wanted to give Victor the best answers he could give too. He was certain there would be some he wouldn’t be able to answer, but he was going to try. He was going to give it his best shot. And he would be lying if he said he didn’t feel a little excited. He had never spoken about himself that much before – even to curious spirits who asked him about his life. Yuuri couldn’t wait.

And that reminded him, he needed to speak to Victor about spirits. Now that Victor knew who he was, he didn’t have to hide anymore. He needed to let Victor know he had responsibilities outside of their home that he needed to see to. He had been slacking on doing it for a while now. Now that Victor knew Yuuri’s true self, Yuuri hoped he could keep up with the spirit world a little more better.

When he heard the padding of soft footsteps against the floor, Yuuri turned and watched Victor’s soul slowly make its way into the kitchen. The door squeaked open and Yuuri was greeted with an early morning Victor. His bedhead was all over the place and he had a blanket wrapped around him. His eyes were lidded from sleep, heavy as Victor struggled to keep them open. But as he met Yuuri’s stare, his eyes widened as he woke up instantly. Yuuri felt a different presence to him.

Victor immediately turned his gaze to the floor and kept his head down as he moved to the table, sitting on one of the chairs. Yuuri eyed him curiously, unsure what to think.

He shrugged it off. He assumed Victor was still tired from last night. He dished up the food he just cooked, putting it all on a plate before placing it in front of Victor. Victor looked down at the food then over to Yuuri where his plate would usually be. He didn’t look up when he asked, “Aren’t you going to eat?”

“I don’t eat, remember?” Yuuri said and Victor nodded to himself, remembering that Yuuri wasn’t human. Yuuri handed him his cutlery and Victor took it and delved into his food.

Victor still didn’t look up at Yuuri and he really didn’t know what was wrong with Victor. He tried looking at his soul but Victor had closed it off. He didn’t want to show Yuuri how he was feeling and Yuuri didn’t understand that. He thought Victor would be buzzing and wanting to ask more questions, but instead, Yuuri received silence.

His only assumption was that Victor had thought of something and he was looking at Yuuri differently – or to correct himself, _not_ looking at Yuuri. But Yuuri didn’t know what conclusion Victor could have come to or how he was feeling and that had Yuuri worry.

Something was wrong.

“Victor?” Yuuri said as he sat down in the seat beside him. Victor moved his head to Yuuri’s direction but his eyes never looked up. “Can you look at me, please?”

Victor didn’t look up immediately, but when he did and they met eyes, Yuuri tried to read him again. But Victor kept himself closed off, hiding his emotions away from Yuuri and Yuuri wanted to tell Victor off for doing that. He tried looking harder, but the more he stared, the more difficult it became to read him.

Victor’s eyes jumped to stare past him and Yuuri caught a slither of emotion come through. It wasn’t clear, but he couldn’t only come up with one emotion to what he just saw. Victor was… scared of him. It was the only thing Yuuri could conclude. Victor wouldn’t look at Yuuri for long and he had closed himself off, hiding away himself and his emotions. Yuuri could only guess that Victor feared him.

Yuuri didn’t want that. He really didn’t want that.

“Is everything okay, Yuuri?” Victor asked as he turned his attention back to his food. Yuuri huffed because nothing was okay.

“No,” Yuuri said a little harsher than he hoped. Victor flinched a little, startled by Yuuri’s sharp voice and Yuuri felt an ache inside. He shouldn’t have been so rough. He sighed, trying to ease his frustration as he asked gently, “Victor, is everything okay with you?”

Victor sighed heavily as he put down his cutlery. His hands fell to his lap as he chewed on his lip, thinking silently to himself. His mouth then opened but he hesitated to speak at first until eventually, he finally said, “I’ve just been thinking a lot about… you.”

Yuuri could only stare. What do you mean?”

Victor took a glance up at Yuuri. He could see the fear. He didn’t doubt it anymore. Victor feared him and that was the last thing Yuuri ever wanted. “It’s who you are, Yuuri,” Victor began and Yuuri felt a sudden anger. “I’ve just been thinking a lot about it and –”

“Wait, wait for just a second,” Yuuri cut Victor off mid-sentence. Victor felt fear towards Yuuri by just thinking about who he was and that made Yuuri feel angry. He didn’t like where Victor was going with it. “What do you mean by its who I am?”

“It’s stupid. It’s so, so stupid,” Victor shook his head to himself and squeezed his eyes shut. Yuuri fell back in his chair. Victor thought he was… stupid? “I shouldn’t be feeling this but I do and it’s so stupid.”

Yuuri let out a sigh. Victor wasn’t calling him stupid and that was nothing but a relief. He was pleased it wasn’t about him but he was still curious why Victor was calling himself stupid and why he was thinking a lot about who Yuuri was. Yuuri wondered what was going through Victor’s mind. So Yuuri stayed silent and listened to Victor explain himself.

“It’s just that – that you’re Death, Yuuri. This – this is so much to take in. I’ve been thinking about life and what it all means and I feel like I don’t understand anything anymore. You’re the reason why we can die and… you take lives. And I just keep thinking back to that night in France and how close I was to dying and it’s just – it’s scary,” Victor explained, keeping his eyes fixed on the table. “I know it’s stupid for me to feel scared because I know you will never hurt me or let me die, but I can’t help but feel it.”

It hurt Yuuri that Victor was scared of him and he still felt a little angry too, but he reminded himself that Victor couldn’t help how he felt. He needed to talk through it with Victor. He needed to help Victor get on the same page as him – to understand Yuuri’s view as well as his own.

“Victor,” Yuuri said as he reached out for Victor’s hand, lacing his fingers between Victor’s. Victor looked up at him, meeting his stare and he held it longer than before. That was a good start. “I want to make a few things clear. The first thing is that yes, I am the reason people can die, but I don’t go around taking lives for the hell of it.”

Victor nodded, “I know.”

“But I don’t think you do,” Yuuri replied, shaking his head. Victor didn’t answer back. He only continued to chew on his lip. “I don’t go around killing people. That isn’t what I do. I’ve never killed a single human being in my life. I may have left a few to die when I had the choice to save them. I won’t lie about that. But I’ve never actively murdered anyone. I’m not a monster, Victor.”

“I know you’re not,” Victor said, nodding. “It’s just so much. Now that I think about it, I find it hard to accept it as the truth when I know that’s what it is. And I’m thinking too much about it that I’m beginning to make assumptions. I know I shouldn’t but… It feels unreal.”

Victor was having trouble seeing Yuuri as something other than a human. He’d known Yuuri as a human for so long, he not only needed to remind himself that Yuuri wasn’t human, but that Yuuri was a being that Victor thought was just a non-existent thing. He was having trouble seeing Yuuri in that way and Yuuri understood that. It was going to take some time.

But that didn’t mean Yuuri couldn’t help Victor. He wanted to give Victor some advice and help him find a way to accept and believe. “If something doesn’t feel real to you, or you continue to doubt your own mind, just ask me, okay?” Yuuri suggested and Victor nodded. His head then fell into his hands as he rubbed his tired eyes. Yuuri sighed. “I know it’s a lot to take in.”

“It’s more than a lot,” Victor replied and dropped his hands, lacing them back with Yuuri’s. Yuuri glanced down at their intertwined hands. At least Victor still wanted to touch him. “I know you’re the same as you were before, but I feel like you’re different now. I mean, you are! That’s the thing. I think I’m just having trouble seeing you being something other than a human.”

Yuuri knew that it would take time. He wished it didn’t, but he couldn’t control that. He just wanted to make sure that Victor too knew it would take time. “It might take a while for you to get used to the idea,” Yuuri said, tightening his grip around Victor’s hands.

Victor took a deep breath and nodded. “I know,” He said. “I just… I think those question I have might help me understand it too. And I have a lot of questions, Yuuri. I’m hoping they will help me open up to you a little more and get us back to how we were.”

“We’re still how we were,” Yuuri said with a smile. “You just know the biggest thing about me.”

When Victor returned a smile, Yuuri caught his soul opening up just a little bit more. He saw the smallest emotion break through like a bubble. It rose from the surface, slowly growing bigger and with the threat of popping. Yuuri wanted Victor to keep opening himself up. Even if it was the smallest change, it would be a big change in the long run.

“I do!” Victor said happily. “And I wonder how Yakov would react to you being Death. And Yurio! We can’t forget Yurio. Oh, I think he would be mad you didn’t tell him sooner.”

Yuuri blinked. He was taken back. “W-what do you mean?” He asked, unsure if Victor was actually thinking about telling other people.

Victor raised a brow. “You’re going to tell them you’re Death, yes?” He asked and Yuuri held his stare, equally as confused as before. Victor didn’t understand Yuuri’s reaction, but when his face dropped, Yuuri knew he realized. “You… don’t want to tell them?”

If Yuuri had it his way, he wouldn’t have told anyone. He wasn’t even going to tell Victor. He only told him because they were going to share their lives together, side by side while Victor aged older by day. Yuuri was going to be by his side every step of the way. He hadn’t even thought about telling anyone else and if he was honest, he didn’t want to either. They didn’t share what he and Victor had. Yuuri wasn’t even certain they would understand as well as Victor did.

It just felt different telling someone else. It was what he and Victor shared and he didn’t want to share that with anyone else.

Yuuri shook his head. “No,” He said. Victor needed to know. “I don’t want anyone else knowing about me.

“Why?” Victor asked. “If we’re going to spend the rest of our lives with each other, at some point they will ask why you’re not aging.”

“And that will be when we tell them,” Yuuri said as Victor turned his gaze away, eyes wide and staring off into the distance. “I might tell them before then because they will begin to get suspicious, but I don’t want them to know now. It doesn’t feel… Do you think I should tell them soon?”

Victor didn’t reply. He held his stare off into the distance, his eyes unfocused but fixed and Yuuri began to worry. He was certain he didn’t say anything that could have caused that reaction. Something was going through Victor’s mind and whatever it was, it wasn’t good. Victor’s grip around his hand then tightened as Victor took a deep, shaky breath. He blinked and met Yuuri’s eyes, dread rushing through them as he stared.

“I just remembered that you said you don’t die.”

Yuuri recalled that he said that yesterday. “Yes, I don’t die.” He wasn’t sure what Victor was trying to suggest.

Victor held his stare as his eyes glazed over with tears as he said, “But I do, Yuuri.”

And then it hit him.

“Oh.” Yuuri didn’t know what else he could say.

“One day, I’m going to die, Yuuri. I’m going to die and you won’t be able to stop that. Or can you?” Victor asked, keeping his tears back for the moment. Yuuri let out a breath and shook his head. Victor let the tear fall, bowing his head as he said, “You shouldn’t have to wait around for me to die. I want you to spend your time living your life, not waiting for mine to slowly come to its end.”

“Are you saying we shouldn’t spend our lives together?” Yuuri asked, his brows dropped as his anger came back.

Victor let out a deep breath. “But we’re not, are we?” He questioned and Yuuri wasn’t going to give him an answer. “I’ll spend my life with you, but you won’t be spending your life with me. I wish we could, but I feel it’ll be selfish if I asked you to stay with me.”

“But I want to stay by your side,” Yuuri said. “We told each other we wanted to spend our lives together and I intend on keeping my word. I knew you would die one day and I wouldn’t and I still made that promise and I still want to be with you. I will always be by your side, Victor. Even when you’re old and I’m still young, I will still be there.”

“I wish it wasn’t like this,” Victor wept. Yuuri’s hand stroked across his cheek, raising his head so he met Yuuri’s eyes. “I wish we could have a different end.”

“What do you wish it was like?” He asked, dropping his hand to lace with Victor’s.

“I don’t know,” Victor said as he shrugged “Either I don’t die or… you do. But I don’t know what one I would want. Or what one you want.

Yuuri didn’t know which one he would want either, but it wasn’t something he needed to think about. “Your death isn’t for a long time,” He told Victor who held his stare. “We don’t have to worry about that now, okay? Let’s live in the now. The future is far away. We don’t have to worry.”

Victor took a deep breath. “I guess that’s better than nothing,” He said. He then smiled to himself and nodded as he said, “Yeah. We don’t have to worry about that just yet. But I would still like to talk about it at some point. I want to be certain of our future.”

Yuuri nodded. He could understand that. “That’s fine.”

“Now, about all those questions that I have…”

And Yuuri laughed. He was waiting for that. He felt that he and Victor made progress that morning. He was slowly getting Victor to understand who he really was and to accept him for who he was. Victor did accept him, but he struggled to understand.

But it was okay. Victor was trying and that was all that mattered.

 

* * *

 

Yuuri became very aware of a few things.

The first was that although Victor had trouble seeing Yuuri as something other than human, he really was trying. There were only a few things that Victor struggled with but it was mostly things he had to remember. He would forget that Yuuri didn’t eat and that he didn’t have to cook for two anymore. He would also forget that Yuuri doesn’t sleep and when he would wonder why Yuuri wasn’t going to sleep, he would _then_ remember that Yuuri didn’t need to. They were mostly little things and Yuuri didn’t mind that.

The other thing was that Victor was slowly opening himself back up to Yuuri and it was from his constant parade of questions he would throw at Yuuri’s way. With every question Victor would ask, Yuuri would catch his soul opening up just that little bit more until, by the end of the week, Yuuri could almost see everything like he could once before. Victor still kept it closed off, but it was so much more open than it had been.

And Yuuri also found that with Victor constantly asking him questions, Yuuri had never known himself to get so sick and tired of having to talk about himself.

He knew Victor was just really curious about everything to do with Yuuri and that he couldn’t help but ask questions. Yuuri wondered how Victor thought up of some of the questions he asked. The strangest one he had heard Victor ask so far was if he could daydream at night. And Yuuri _really_ didn’t understand what Victor was asking specifically. Did he daydream at all, and if he could, was he only limited to night? Was he asking if Yuuri didn’t daydream or if he couldn’t during the day? He didn’t even know what daydreaming was. He just found it very weird.

But Victor had asked other strange questions, so Yuuri passed them off as normal since he found a lot of things strange.

Then came a day where Victor didn’t ask that many questions and Yuuri thought he was finally getting it out of his system. Then one night where they were curled up to one another, arms around each other and legs tangled as they laid side by side that Victor found yet another question to ask.

“So, I’ve been thinking a lot about that teleporting thing you did with me last week…”

Yuuri let out a deep sigh. Victor had asked about it before but Yuuri didn’t get the change to answer before another question was thrown his way. That was how it had been the past week. Yuuri was happy Victor was curious and wanted to know more, but Yuuri wished he would let Yuuri have time to answer before asking another question.

“And I was just thinking…” Victor began and Yuuri prepared himself for approximately 6 questions, 2 answers Victor would conclude himself, and a realization that could possibly lead to another question. “How does it work? How did you manage to get us from A to B? And – and do you use that all the time or every so often? Wait, that was what you did whenever I had a competition and you wouldn’t fly with us? Oh, my God, that makes so much sense now. And you did it to save me money, didn’t you? Oh, Yuuri! That’s so sweet! And another thing I was wondering –”

“Victor!” Yuuri stopped him before he would continue. There were too many questions and Yuuri couldn’t keep up. He wanted to answer them, he really did, but he couldn’t. And Victor stared at him, startled by Yuuri’s raised voice.

Yuuri felt bad.

“Victor, look,” He began. He needed to explain this to Victor. He wouldn’t get anywhere if he didn’t let Victor know. The frustration that was slowly building was something he didn’t want to get out of hand. The last thing he wanted was to snap at Victor because he didn’t talk to him. “I want to answer those questions, I really do. But you need to give me time to answer one before asking me another, okay? I can’t keep up.”

Victor nodded and took a deep breath, calming himself and his soul. “Okay. I’m sorry Yuuri,” Victor apologized. Yuuri smiled at him. “I’m just – I’m just so excited to know everything. This is a whole new part of you and I want to know every inch of you.”

Yuuri tried to bite back his grin but he couldn’t. Whenever Victor spoke those kinds of words, he realized just how much Victor accepted that part of him – how much Victor was willing to be open and try to understand him. And every time, it made Yuuri’s weightless stomach flutter and his chest give out a single beat.

He loved that feeling.

Yuuri’s recent discovery of love had him realize that he loved a lot of things. There was a difference between the things he liked and the things he loved. He liked to watch the sun rise in the morning, listening to the birds sing and watching souls wake up from their slumber. But he loved watching the sun set. And there was a difference. The sun setting made him feel more. He felt a deeper, stronger emotion towards watching the sun set and seeing the stars come into view. It was something he loved. Something he cherished.

And it was the same with Victor, but that feeling was deeper. He liked being with Victor because it made him feel happy. Yuuri also liked to be happy. But if Yuuri imagined a life without Victor, he couldn’t. He couldn’t imagine it and the happiness he felt seemed unimaginable in the absence of Victor. He couldn’t imagine his own happiness without Victor. And that was love. He didn’t just like being with Victor – he _loved_ being with him.

Yuuri loved Victor with all his heart and everything he could give.

“So, about that teleporting thing…” Victor’s voice brought Yuuri back from his deep thought. Yuuri took a deep breath and hoped Victor would stick to his word and ask one question at a time. “How did you do it exactly? And I’ll stick with that question for now!”

Yuuri laughed. He was happy that Victor was being true to his promise. He took a moment to think about the question. He knew how to answer it. He just needed to find a way to explain to Victor in a way he could understand. “For me, it’s all to do with spiritual energy. That’s what surrounds the Universe and because I’m nothing but that energy – even in my human form – I can move around to where ever I please and to whatever world I wish.” He then had to pause for a moment, trying to find a way to explain how he moved Victor. “With you, it’s all about your soul. That is what holds your spiritual energy and what makes you into a spirit when you move on,” Yuuri explained, pointing to the section between Victor’s eyes and towards the soul that stayed protected inside of him.

Victor’s hand reached up, his fingertips stroking the center of his forehead. “That’s where my soul is?” He asked and Yuuri nodded, dropping his hand, and weaving it back around Victor. “Wow… so, was my soul what you used to teleport me?”

Yuuri nodded and Victor’s eyes widened even more. Victor was beginning to get used to Yuuri’s existence and what it was like, but things still surprised him. He still got shocked hearing certain things and amazed at hearing others, which was expected. Victor had to rethink his entire knowledge of his own existence and remind himself what was real.

“I didn’t know if it would work at first,” Yuuri admitted. Victor didn’t react. He only gave a single blink. “I tried moving a spirit before but that was to a different world. And it worked. But moving a living spirit someplace else, I wasn’t certain it would work.”

“But it did,” Victor said quietly and Yuuri nodded. “You teleported me from here to… I don’t even know where we were but it was definitely somewhere you couldn’t get me to in two seconds. You’ve got to do that again somewhere. It was incredible.”

“We’ll start off slow at first,” Yuuri said, reminding Victor how bad it sat in his stomach. “I don’t want to keep making you sick with traveling. We could start slow, like from one room to another before we start going further, yeah?”

Victor nodded. He had a wide smile on his face. “That would be amazing,” He said before moving forward, resting his head in the crook of Yuuri’s neck. “You should take us to Paris. I speak French, you know.”

Yuuri laughed. He already knew that. “So do I, Victor. I speak every language.”

There was a long pause. Victor then raised his head, staring at Yuuri with eyes full of question. “Wait, every single language on this planet?” He asked and Yuuri nodded. “Wow. How long did that take for you to learn?”

“It didn’t,” Yuuri said and Victor’s eyes widened. “I can’t help spirits if I don’t know their language. I know every language because I just do. I didn’t need to learn it.”

“Wow,” Victor gasped. He held his stare for a moment longer, still trying to process what Yuuri had just said. “But we will still go to Paris, yes?”

Yuuri let out a light laugh and nodded. “Of course. We’ll get you used to traveling with me first then I’ll take you to Paris.”

The thought of going to Paris with Victor sent an excitement rushing through Yuuri. It would be a nice break for Victor. He could spend it sightseeing and take a break from life. It seemed like something that could help him. Yuuri wanted to give Victor what he wanted and if Victor wanted to go to Paris, Yuuri would take him.

“And Spain?” Victor suggested with an excited tone in his voice. “I’d love to show you around Barcelona. I did a little sightseeing there before my sixth Grand Prix. It’s a beautiful city. Oh, and we could go to London too! I haven’t been there in so long. We could also go to –”

“I’ll take you anywhere, Victor,” Yuuri said, stopping Victor before he got too excited. “We could have a road trip around Europe and see as much as we can.”

Victor nodded, smiling widely as he said, “And with my retirement, I have all the time in the world to do that.”

Yuuri noticed what Victor had said. He seemed genuinely happy with his retirement in that moment, and it was the first time Victor had spoken about it with a smile on his face. Yuuri wasn’t sure if that was just Victor’s excitement talking or if Victor was beginning to accept his retirement with ease, it didn’t matter which because Yuuri was still proud of him.

And Yuuri wondered if this was Victor making progress. It had to be. He found a reason to be happy about something now he was retired and Victor had struggled to do that since Worlds. Yuuri had to check his soul. He needed to see how it was handling that. And when he took a peek, he saw it didn’t ache and hurt like it had before. It was excited and happy.

Yuuri was even prouder of Victor. Whether this was a jump in his recovery or not, Victor was happy and that was important to Yuuri. When Victor rested his head back to his neck, he tightened his grip around Victor and kissed him softly on the crown of his head. Victor hummed with content, taking enjoyment in Yuuri’s touch.

“Have you ever been to Barcelona?” Victor mumbled against Yuuri’s neck. Yuuri strained to hear him but he understood.

“Yes,” Yuuri said. “If someone’s died there, I’ve been there.”

“So, you’ve seen everything on Earth?” Victor asked, his curiosity coming back.

“Not everything,” Yuuri answered. “I haven’t explored much of the ocean. Maybe more than you humans have but I don’t want to say that. And the desert I haven’t explored much but there isn’t much to really see in the desert. It’s mostly sand, so I can’t be missing out on much can I?”

Victor hummed. “So, you’ve visited almost everywhere, but have you ever gone sightseeing?”

Yuuri thought about it. He had been to all those places and seen what they have to show, but Victor was asking if when he had visited those places, did he admired them for their beauty and explore their cities. Yuuri hadn’t done that. He never had the time to do that. Once he saw a spirit, he used to just move onto the next one. He never took any notice of how beautiful the world was.

He shook his head and said, “I haven’t. I never used to notice beauty so I would never think to look.”

“At least now, we can look together,” Victor said and Yuuri couldn’t stop his smile from showing. He wanted that. He wanted that a lot.

“As long as a spirit doesn’t bother me, we will be fine,” Yuuri said. He felt Victor move and he looked down, seeing Victor looking back up at him. Yuuri raised a brow, unsure what Victor wanted.

“Spirits… come and visit you?” Victor asked.

That had reminded Yuuri of what he wanted to talk about. He needed to let Victor know he needed to help spirits. If he let Victor know, he could go and help certain spirits whenever they need him without the fear of Victor finding out his secret. He could catch up with the spirit world and make sure everything continues to be okay.

“Not all the time,” Yuuri answered. “I used to go to them but now, it’s either I bump into them or they come to me. There was actually one here the other week. Do you remember when the room got really cold?”

Victor’s eyes widened. “There was a ghost in our house?!”

“It wouldn’t be the first one,” Yuuri said, thinking back to the evil spirit he had to see to. “I’ve come across many spirits while being with you. I used to see them while you were at practice. Other times, it would be random. There was once a boy who walked into our hotel room when we were at Nationals and a homeless man I met when I got you those flowers for your birthday. There was the little girl at worlds and the man who I just mentioned. They come but they never stay long. I don’t want them to.”

“Wow,” Victor said, staring wide eyed at Yuuri. “I know you have your other, uh… ‘ _you’s_ ’, that help you, but you help people too. I didn’t… I’m not taking you away from that world, am I?”

Yuuri let out a sigh as he shook his head. “You’re not, no,” He began. “It’s me who’s doing that. I’ve been a little behind because you’ve been at home more often and I didn’t want to disappear without telling you. But now you know who I am, it’s something I want to talk about.”

“I’m sorry,” Victor bowed his head.

Yuuri stroked his hand over Victor’s cheek, raising Victor’s head to look at him. “Don’t apologize. It’s not your fault. Not at all,” Yuuri said. Victor’s eyes held doubt but Yuuri didn’t know what else to say. “I should have told you sooner but that doesn’t matter now. You now know and I need to tell you this.”

Victor let out a breath and nodded. “Okay.”

“I need to see to spirits. It’s what I do and I’ve been slacking behind on it. I need to make sure the afterlife stays in order and… protected.” Yuuri paused to check on Victor, who was nodding along. He seemed okay for the moment. Yuuri continued. “At times, I will need to leave to help a spirit, or I will start talking to somebody who you can’t see. I need to stay on top with that world and I want you to know that.”

“I understand Yuuri. It’s what you need to do,” Victor said. “I’m just a little… well, it’s when you said you’ll start talking to someone who isn’t there that had me…”

Victor didn’t finish his sentence but Yuuri knew he felt fear. “Those spirits will not hurt you, Victor,” Yuuri said and Victor took a deep breath and nodded. “I won’t ever let them.”

“I know,” Victor said. He then moved up, kissing Yuuri and pulled back to say, “I love you.”

Yuuri kissed him back as he smiled warmly and said, “I love you too, Victor.

 

* * *

 

When Victor had his therapy session that week with Helen, he wanted to talk to her about something that wouldn’t leave his mind.

He watched her as she was writing in her notepad. She always did that. He cleared his throat but she didn’t look up. “Helen,” He tried and she finally glanced up.

“Yes, Victor?” She said raising her head from her notepad.

Victor took a deep breath. “Let’s say… hypothetically, that Yuuri was something bigger than what we know.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is that another cliffhanger? Whoops....... ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> JUST for peace at mind - Victor is NOT going to tell Helen Yuuri is Death! But there will be something discussed and if I tell you, I'll just be spoiling too much. But hey!
> 
> Also, heeey, 500 comments!!! Thank you all so much! <3<3


	28. Chapter 28

 

_“Let’s say… theoretically, that Yuuri was something bigger than what we know.”_

 

“Is that how you see him?” Helen questioned. “You see him as something bigger than yourself?”

Victor was certain that was what he was suggesting. “Well, yes,” He nodded.

“Why do you think you see him like that?”

“Because he is,” Victor answered without a second thought. “I don’t understand why you would ask me. I just told you he is.”

When Helen sat forward in her chair, Victor knew she was about to begin a long explanation. She moved her notepad and pen to the side and folded her hands in her lap before saying, “Victor, sometimes when people don’t like who they are, they view others as their ‘superiors.’ They belittle themselves because they don’t like who they are and see themselves as nothing compared to the person they think is more,” She stopped for only a second. “Do you think that is what’s happening here?”

“No. Yuuri _is_ more than me, but I don’t see him as a superior.” He didn’t view Yuuri as any kind of higher up to him. Yuuri was so much more than that. “We’re on the same ground as each other. We’re equals. I might hate myself, but I don’t hate myself enough to think I’m nothing to Yuuri, because I know I’m not.”

Helen didn’t speak for a moment. Her focused stare never left Victor and he felt the desperate need to shift in his seat. “Victor,” Helen then spoke and Victor looked up. “Can you think back to that sentence and pick out what could be seen as a good thing?”

Victor tapped his finger to his lips, thinking back at what he just said. He assumed he could say that seeing himself as Yuuri’s equal was a good thing, but he had the feeling that wasn’t what Helen was trying to point out. He didn’t know so he shrugged, deciding he didn’t really want to try and think too hard about it.

“You said you see yourself and Yuuri as equals, am I correct?” She said.

“Yes,” Victor said as he nodded. “I just said that.”

“Then tell me, Victor. Do you hate Yuuri?”

Victor didn’t know what kind of question that was. Surely, she would have already known his answer. “Not at all.”

“You see a lot in Yuuri, don’t you?”

Victor let out a deep sigh. He was beginning to get frustrated with her questions. He just wanted her to get to the point. “I don’t understand what you’re trying to explain,” Victor said, hoping to speed up whatever she had to say.

“Allow me to explain,” She said before clearing her throat and Victor fought the desperate urge to sigh with delight. “You said you don’t hate yourself enough to think you’re nothing to Yuuri. But what you just told me is that you think of yourself as _something_ to someone. You found a way to see yourself in a better light than you did before. And you’re learning to love that part of yourself. As you said, you still have a strong disliking to yourself, but you found something that you love about yourself.”

Victor thought about what she said but it didn’t encourage him to reply back. She continued to speak.

“You see yourself as an equal to Yuuri – somebody who loves you. And to me, it sounds like you love that part of yourself too.” Victor couldn’t help but keep his stare her way. He wanted to look away but he was too entranced by her explanation to do so. “You love the part that loves Yuuri – the part that loves and cares for him. And I would say because of that, you’re another step closer to achieving a major goal of yours.”

Victor blinked. He didn’t even realize. “I am?”

“Yes,” Helen said as she nodded. “I believe you’re gradually tackling your false identity one step at a time. And that’s good. You’re going through it bit by bit and you’re feeling better about yourself. Am I correct?”

“I _do_ feel a lot better than I did when I first arrived here.” Victor would be lying if he said he didn’t. He didn’t just see a difference in how he felt, but also how he saw himself. “I just… there’s something I don’t understand. If Yuuri loves me and I love the part of me that loves Yuuri, why don’t I love all of me? I love all of Yuuri, so shouldn’t I love all of me too?

“There’s a difference to how we love someone else and how we love ourselves. Love doesn’t solve everything. It can help you, but it isn’t going to be the only thing that’ll make you feel better. It’s sad, but it’s the truth,” Helen explained. Victor wished it wasn’t like that. If love could solve everything, he would be recovered by now. “Even if we’re surrounded by those who love us, there can still be a deeper reason why we still hate ourselves.”

“I wish it wasn’t like that,” Victor said sadly. His head dropped as he sighed to himself. “I want to love what Yuuri loves but it… it feels like such an obstacle to get over.” He needed to explain it. He needed to tell her exactly how it felt like. “I feel like I’m constantly fighting a tide. One minute, it’s low and I can move and breathe and think. Then it’s suddenly high and I’m fighting and struggling to not drown. It’s a constant battle and I’m getting so tired of it.”

"The biggest obstacle we can face is ourselves,” Helen said as she reached for her notepad and pen, placing it on her lap. “It can be tiring and it can feel easier to give up, but that will not do you – or others – any help. You may not realize but you make more progress fighting your depression than you think.”

“Like what?” Victor questioned. He doubted her words. He couldn’t believe he was making more progress. It didn’t feel like it. “I still hate myself. I still see myself as nothing but a failure. I still have bad days. How can I possibly be making more progress if I still feel like that?”

Helen cleared her throat and sat up high in her seat. “First of all, you did tell me you felt better than you did when you first arrived here.”

Victor dropped his gaze. He had said that. “That’s different.” He mumbled. “That’s just…”

“Progress,” Helen answered for him. He didn’t want to admit that she was _maybe_ right so he decided to sulk instead. He crossed his arms, sat back, and kept his eyes focused on the floor. He’d rather stare at the random stray hair on the floor than admit she was right. “Tell me what you did today and we can go through your achievements.”

Victor recalled his day before glancing up. “Well, I got up and I ate something.”

“That’s already two achievements you’ve done.”

Victor didn’t think they were that great. He shrugged, unsure how to reply. “I spent the morning with Yuuri,” He said, deciding to tell Helen the rest of his day. “I took him to the park I used to take Makkachin for a walk. I didn’t really want to go but I’ve been wanting to take Yuuri there for a while.”

“That’s quite a big achievement,” Helen praised. “Can I ask why you chose today to take Yuuri there when you didn’t want to go?”

“I was having an okay day,” He said and shrugged. “It’s not good but it’s not bad either. My okay days I find myself not really caring or feeling much.”

“But you cared enough to take Yuuri to the park today,” Helen said. “Maybe you’re having a better day than you thought.”

Victor wouldn’t be sure. Sometimes his good days would blend with his bad days, or he’d have a mix of all three. He was never really sure what kind of day he was having sometimes. But then he had a thought. What Helen had said reminded him of something.

“You know,” He began,” Those achievements sound similar to something that I try to do when I have a bad day.”

“Would you care to tell me?” Helen asked. Victor nodded.

“I remind myself things. I don’t do it all the time because I sometimes forget, but when I do remember, they help me.” He thought back to a bad day he had, wanting to find an example. “On days when I have a bad day, I remind myself that they don’t last forever. And on those days where I can’t do anything other than lie in bed, I try to remind myself to see my accomplishments, because even the littlest thing I do is so important on those days. If I sit up, that’s something. If I eat food Yuuri’s made me, even if it’s the smallest bite, it’s still something.”

Helen smiled warmly. “It’s great you’re finding ways to help yourself.”

“They don’t help all the time,” Victor said. He wished they helped every time but that was asking for too much. “Sometimes I just look at them and think they’re pathetic accomplishments.They’re nothing compared to the accomplishments I used to make, like winning gold or succeeding in my career _._ But… sometimes they do help and it makes me want to get better. I want to try harder. That’s progress, right?”

“Yes, Victor, that is progress,” Helen replied. Victor couldn’t help but smile. Just knowing he made progress and Helen confirmed it made him feel a little happier with himself. He was getting there – slowly, but surely. “Have you thought about your goals recently?”

The question threw him off. He had to pause to think. “Yeah, I have,” He said. “I would like to teach kids to skate. The idea of knowing I could inspire someone to achieve what I couldn’t, makes me feel… happy.”

It wasn’t what he really wanted to do. If he had it his way, he would practice his skating again and try and get back into the skating world. Or he wouldn’t have failed at Worlds and he would achieve the Grand Prix Finals. But that wasn’t happening. He couldn’t make it there anymore. So, he decided he should just settle. And while he hated that he was settling, he did quite like the idea of teaching children to skate.

“And that’s what you want to do?” Helen asked, needing to confirm it.

Victor was certain. If he can’t make it to the Grand Prix finals himself, maybe he could inspire someone else to do it. “Yes,” He nodded. “I – I want to do that. But not now.”

Helen’s head cocked to the side – a brow raised with question. “Why not now?”

There were too many reasons why he didn’t want to do it now. “I have too much on my mind,” He began. “It’s not because of my depression – well… okay, maybe it is, but there are other things as well that I’m just… I’m trying to get my head around.” Yuuri being Death itself was certainly one of them, but he couldn’t tell Helen that. “I don’t want to talk about it because it’s not affecting me in my recovery, so that’s all I’m going to say on that. But there are other reasons too.”

“Would you like to tell me those reasons?” Helen asked.

Victor wasn’t going to mention all of them. They only had an hour session and he didn’t want to spend the entire hour talking about it. He decided to mention the things that were important to him. “Yuuri and I have made plans to do some traveling,” He said, thinking back to that night. “At the moment, we’re just going to be going around Europe. And I’m excited. I’ve been to a lot of places but I want to really experience them. It was nothing but competitions and skating all those other times. And now, it isn’t. It’s nice to take a break.”

Helen gave a thoughtful smile. “It sounds like you’re gradually accepting your retirement.”

“I am and I’m not,” Victor replied. He felt it was difficult to explain properly. His thoughts were all over the place, but he was going to ramble on anyway. “I am because I have time to myself now. I still don’t really know what to do with it but it’s starting to not be so bad. It’s nice to relax. And I don’t have to be on such a strict diet anymore and I don’t have to work so hard to keep myself fit. I mean, I will continue to stay fit because it’s good to be healthy, but I wouldn’t mind letting myself go a little. Is it okay for me to do that?”

Helen nodded. “A little would be fine. I won’t say go overboard. It’s good you want to stay healthy.” Victor wanted to still be healthy but he just wanted to pig out on some chocolate every now and then. And chocolate sounded really good.

“I also get to spend a lot of time with my Yuuri,” Victor said, smiling to himself. He couldn’t get Yuuri out of his mind. “I think that’s the best part of my retirement. I feel so relaxed and comfortable around him.” He then let out a sigh. He had to mention the bad parts of retiring too. And that list was long. “But there’s also so much that I don’t accept.”

“Would you like to tell me that too?” Helen asked.

Victor didn’t even reply. He went straight into his explanation. “That loss at Worlds… I’ve dealt with it better than I expected but it still… killed me.” It did more than kill him. It hurt him in ways he never felt before. And it still hurt, even to that day. “It hurt and I know it hurt but I couldn’t feel it. I couldn’t feel anything. In a way, it felt worse than Europeans and Nationals. At least at those competitions, I felt something. I could feel and I could get out how I felt.”

“Could you not do that at Worlds?” Helen asked, pressing her pen to her notepad, ready to write.

Victor pressed his lips together as he shook his head. “Worlds forced me into this silence that I couldn’t break out of. I felt like I couldn’t cry, or scream, or even move. I couldn’t even get the will to finish my goddamn skate.” He could feel it all building up inside. That anger, frustration, and sadness all coming together and pushing through. He wanted to keep it back and force it down. Now wasn’t the time. “And – and I look back at it sometimes and I wonder why the hell I didn’t finish it. I just laid there like this pathetic piece of trash!”

“Victor –”

And then he broke. He wasn’t able to stop.

“And – and nobody even gave me an applause until I got my results.” He remembered that moment. He could remember how silent that room was. He could feel every single eye staring at him, each stabbing him repeatedly in the back. But he couldn’t react. “They were all waiting for that to happen. They were all waiting for me to fail so they could mock me and continue to laugh behind my back because I couldn’t prove them wrong.” The room had gotten smaller. Was it always that small? He couldn’t breathe. “All – all I wanted was to prove them wrong. I can skate. I – I _can_ skate. I know I can! I – I need a second chance. I need to get back there.”

He moved forward in his seat but Helen’s raised hand stopped him. He stared at her. His breath coming out in desperate gasps of breath. He couldn’t breathe. His lungs were getting air but they weren’t satisfied enough. He couldn’t breathe. He was going to die. He didn’t want to die. Not here, not now. He couldn’t –

“Victor,” He could barely hear Helen’s voice. He laced his fingers through his hair, clutching his grip and tugging at the strands. He needed to feel something. He needed to distract himself and feel something other than his lungs burning and his heart racing. “Victor, you need to slow down and breathe.”

“But I can’t!” He released his grip as he screamed at her. “I need to get back there and show them that I can still win gold! I just need to take this time off and get my head in place and I can get back to skating.”

He needed to win. He needed to show them they were wrong. He couldn’t retire knowing he ended his career on a fail. That wasn’t Victor Nikiforov. That wasn’t who he was – who he was supposed to be. He never gave up that easily. He couldn’t give up that easily. He was an idiot. He was a stupid, worthless idiot.

“It’s this depression,” Victor mumbled to himself. It all started when he wanted to kill himself. It was his fault. He shouldn’t have let himself get to that point. “It’s always this – this depression that’s ruining my life. I hate it. I hate it, Helen. I hate it so – so much that I –”

He couldn’t breathe. He was trapped in that hole again. The water had risen too high for him to breathe. He was struggling to fight against it. He was trying, but it was too hard. He wasn’t swimming. He was drowning. He was sinking further and further into the depths of the water and Victor didn’t want to be there anymore. He didn’t want to fall. He wanted to swim – to breathe with ease and pull himself out of the water.

But he couldn’t and Victor couldn’t stop his tears from falling. He choked out a sob that he was unable to keep back. He needed to breathe in but his screamed sobs continued to punch through him with little mercy. He gripped the couch to try and take control of his violent shaking but it only did so much. He felt helpless. He felt so, so helpless…

“Victor.”

The sound of his name brought him back. He wheezed in a breath, catching a moment where his crying had subsided. He glanced up and through his blurry vision, he could see Helen. He didn’t know what she was doing but it looked as if she was giving him something. He reached out and his hands touched something soft and thin. It was a tissue.

He wiped the tears from his eyes but a few still escaped as his sobbing tried to continue. He felt so drained. He was so tired and worn down and he just wanted to go home and sleep.

“Victor,” Helen’s voice spoke again. Victor sniffed hard and glanced at her. “Can you –”

“I’m drowning,” Victor didn’t realize the words had spoken from his mouth. But once they had, he couldn’t stop. “I’m drowning and I can’t escape it. That hole I’ve fallen into is filling with water and I can’t stop it. How do I stop it?”

He was desperate. He wanted nothing more than to rid of the crushing weight that dragged him further and further down, forcing him to hold his breath and find an escape. His head was pounding. He needed a distraction or a solution. He needed to feel anything other than the suffocating force that surrounded him. He was still drowning – still sinking and he needed it to stop.

“Where are you right now?” Helen asked and Victor didn’t understand what she meant. “When you say you’re drowning, where are you?”

“Sometimes it’s a hole, kind of like a well.” He swallowed hard and sniffed, wiping his nose with the tissue in hand. “And other times, it’s the ocean, but there’s nothing around me but water.”

“Can you see anything else?”

Victor thought about it but it was hard to see anything other than water. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. This will help him. “The – the sun. And the sky.” He couldn’t focus. But he could remember. “Sometimes… I see Yuuri, but he’s safe. He’ll help me sometimes and other times he doesn’t. I don’t understand that.”

“Tell me what you see when you look up,” Helen’s voice spoke and Victor breathed in, looking up in his mind.

“The sky.”

“That’s where Yuuri would be, wouldn’t he?” Helen asked. Victor wanted to shake his head. Yuuri was on the surface of the water, not the sky. He nodded anyway. He didn’t have the energy to correct her. “If you can’t find the surface, look for the sky. The sky is where Yuuri is. The sky is your recovery. Focus on finding it. Can you see it?”

Victor bit his lower lip and nodded. “I can. But I feel so heavy.”

He was too heavy. He couldn’t make it to the surface. He was stuck below the water, desperate and begging for a breath he could never get. He wasn’t even struggling. He wasn’t splashing around, waving his arms for someone to help. He was quiet. He was lifeless.

“Is Yuuri there with you?”

He wished Yuuri was here.

“No. I don’t know where he is.” Victor then had a thought come rushing through his mind. Yuuri was Death. He would know if Victor was drowning, at least, Victor was certain of that. Yuuri would protect him. Yuuri could save him. “Wait, I – I see him.”

“Ask for Yuuri’s help,” Helen said.

Yuuri was there. He was offering his hand. Victor could see his hand in the water but he was too far below to reach it. He’s crying. Whether it was in his mind or real life, he didn’t know. Victor just wanted to be saved. He just wanted someone to try. But he needed to try too. He needed to fight and swim up, reach for Yuuri’s hand and get his help. Yuuri was Death, he wouldn’t let Victor die. Yuuri will never let him die.

“Yuuri will never let me die.”

He touches Yuuri’s hand and with a tight grasp, he was never going to let go.

“Nobody will, Victor.”

All Victor could hear was the silence in his mind. He wasn’t drowning anymore. He wasn’t trapped underwater, fighting, and screaming for help. He’s out. Yuuri helped him. Yuuri saved him once from coming to that death and he will do it again. Victor was confident of that. Yuuri will never let him die.

He finally opened his eyes, blinking back the blur that invaded his vision. He met Helen’s concerned stare. “Did you find help?” She asked.

He swallowed hard and nodded. “Yes.”

“How do you feel now?” She asked as she handed him another tissue.

Victor took it and as he dried his eyes, he said, “I feel heavy.” It felt so hard to move. “I’ve gotten out but my clothes are wet and they’re dragging me down. I still feel a heavy weight around my ankles… but I’m not drowning anymore.”

“Do you think that could be a technique you can use?” Helen suggested.

“I don’t know,” He said, shrugging his shoulders. “It worked but I think I need to be talked through it when I do feel like that. I won’t be able to focus if I do it myself.”

“Perhaps you can tell Yuuri about it,” Helen said. “Maybe he can help you?”

Victor nodded. Yuuri would always help him. “Yeah… maybe.” He breathed in a shaky breath. He still felt emotionally drained but at least he could think properly now. “That – that came out of nowhere.”

“It seemed to have started when you mentioned Worlds,” Helen mentioned and Victor thought back to it. He didn’t remember what he said. “Were you able to express how you felt after worlds?”

Victor shook his head. “Not really. I had a bit of a cry and a long talk with Yakov but…” He paused. “I never really had a breakdown like I did before. I think it was because I felt so numb that I wasn’t able to express how I actually felt.”

“Perhaps you should speak with Yuuri about it?” She suggested.

“No. No, I – I don’t want to talk to him about it yet.” He saw the disappointment in Helen’s eyes but he knew she couldn’t force him to talk about it. She could express concern, but she couldn’t make Victor do anything. He will tell Yuuri when he felt ready to tell Yuuri. “I’ll talk about it here but I don’t want Yuuri to think I’m still struggling with it. He’s trying so hard to help me I don’t want him to think that it hasn’t been helping me. I mean, it has been helping me! A lot, actually. But I don’t want him to worry.”

“It is best that you tell him how you feel,” Helen said. Victor already knew that. He always felt better when he spoke to Yuuri about things. Yuuri always tried to understand him. “If you don’t want to tell him now, all I ask is that you do it before our sessions end.”

Victor had a while. That gave him enough time to truly get better. He nodded and Helen smiled at him.

“There are a few things I would like for us to talk about in our next session. We don’t have time now, but if we begin when you arrive on Thursday, I think we can discuss enough,” Helen said. Victor took a deep breath and nodded. “I’d like to find the root of why you may feel like you’re drowning as well as discuss Worlds with you. Would you like to discuss those?”

Victor nodded. He might as well. If it was going to help him, he would try his hardest to talk about it. He then thought back to what he asked Helen when he arrived. He wanted to ask Helen about death. Not Yuuri Death, exactly, but… death in general. He didn’t really know what he wanted to ask, but he wanted to see what Helen thought about it.

“Can I ask you something?” He said and Helen nodded.

“You can ask me whatever you like.”

He wasn’t sure how he was going to word it but he was this far ahead. He might as well continue. “What do you think happens to us when we die?”

Her eyes widened. She seemed taken back by his question. “That’s… certainly a question you’re asking.” She cleared her throat. “Is there a reason why you’re asking me this, if I may ask?”

He knew what she was thinking. “Believe it or not, it’s completely unrelated to what had just happened.” He could see her doubting him, but he didn’t care enough to try and convince her otherwise. “I’ve been thinking about it. Not – not my death. Not anymore. It’s just – it’s more… of a belief. And, uh… It’s just been on my mind.”

Helen pressed her pen to her mouth as she thought hard about Victor’s question. “In death, I believe we make our own choices where we go and what happens to us,” She answered. “If you believe in a God, you will be greeted by one. If you have no belief, you will not see anyone. It’s down to our beliefs that determine what happens when we die. At least, I believe that.”

It felt strange hearing other beliefs when Victor knew what the truth was. It was still a weird concept to him and he still found it hard to believe. He knew the truth. His Yuuri was the truth.

“But what if we were greeted by someone who wasn’t a God?” Victor asked. Helen raised a brow. Victor had to stop to think how to word it. “What if it was somebody like… Death. A physical embodiment of somebody who was Death himself.”

Helen cocked her head to the side, her brows dropped as she stared at Victor with a question on the tip of her tongue. “Is that what you believe in?”

“Yes,” He nodded. “There was… a reason why I asked if hypothetically, Yuuri was something bigger than we know.”

“Do you view him in a specific way?”

He didn’t know why he was doing this but he needed to know what Helen would say. He needed to see what she would say. He would never tell her that Yuuri was Death. She wouldn’t believe him if he did, but he couldn’t help but ask.

“What would you say if I saw Yuuri as… a visual replica of Death itself?” He asked and immediately turned his gaze to the floor. He didn’t want to see her reaction. “That he was in charge of death. And that night in France when I was going to kill myself was the night that Death – Yuuri – decided to save me. What would you say?”

There was a long silence and Victor held his breath. “You view Yuuri as Death?” She asked and Victor glanced up at her, nodding. He couldn’t read her expression.

“Yes.”

“Then what I would say is that you’ve projected your belief onto Yuuri,” Helen said. Victor didn’t think that because he _knew_ that wasn’t the truth. “Does it help you to view Yuuri in that way?”

“I mean, Yuuri did save me from killing myself twice,” He said. He thought maybe he could get her to agree with him. “It just makes me feel safe knowing if I ever came to that again, he would be there to help me.”

Helen held her stare. She then put her notepad and pen to the side and sat up in her seat. And Victor knew instantly that she didn’t agree with him.

“In my honest, professional opinion, I would say it isn’t healthy for you to view Yuuri in that way.” Victor wanted to protest but he knew it would only lead to her continuing to disagree with him. “It’s good that you see him as somebody who can help you and somebody you can rely on, but you also have to remember that he has needs too.”

Victor didn’t think of that. He knew he may rely on Yuuri just a little bit too much, but he thought it wouldn’t be too bad now he knew Yuuri was Death. But Yuuri did have needs. Not the same that he had, but Yuuri had different needs. He had emotional needs.

“A caregiver can get frustrated and impatient when helping someone with depression. Yuuri is doing a fantastic job at helping you but I don’t want either of you to get frustrated with each other.” Victor didn’t want that either. “You’re a well-communicated couple and I believe you just need to speak to Yuuri about how you feel. But I will say that it isn’t healthy for you to see Yuuri as your belief. It adds more pressure than he could possibly handle. Take some time to look at Yuuri and remind yourself that he is your lover, not your belief. And tell me next week if you’ve started seeing him as who he really is – your lover.”

He hoped that maybe he could get Helen to agree with him that it was okay for him to rely on Yuuri that much. But he knew he shouldn’t. He was becoming too dependent on Yuuri. She was right in a way – he shouldn’t rely on Yuuri to help him with everything. Yuuri could only do so much. Yuuri only _knew_ so much. But he could rely on Yuuri to save him from death. It was Yuuri’s job. That was what Yuuri did and existed for. Surely, he was allowed to rely on Yuuri in that department.

But Victor was certain of something. He knew he believed Yuuri without a single shred of doubt. He disagreed with Helen – somebody who was supposed to help him make sense of things. He disagreed with her because he knew Yuuri was telling the truth. And he was confident of that now.

Yuuri was Death himself. And Yuuri was Victor’s lover. Yuuri saved Victor from dying twice, and he could save Victor again if he ever fell back into those waters. He trusted Yuuri. He loved Yuuri. And Yuuri was real.

“Okay, I’ll do that,” Victor said but he knew he wasn’t. This was something beyond Helen’s professional opinion. He and Yuuri could work through this themselves. He and Yuuri were strong enough as a couple to get through that obstacle. Victor truly believed that.

He and Yuuri could conquer whatever obstacle came in their way. And this was only minor.

 

* * *

 

 

Now Yuuri had the freedom to visit spirits and see them whenever they needed him, he found that the afterlife really wasn’t as chaotic as he thought it was.

There were a few spirits he had to deal with personally but once he saw those, he didn’t know what else to do. It had taken him eight hours to see those spirits and then he found himself standing in the heart of New York, wondering who to see next. There were no spirits who were an emergency and no lost spirits he needed to find. Everything felt in order.

And that didn’t make much sense.

He assumed that with his long absence from the spirit world that he would have been far more busier than he actually was. But the afterlife felt more calmer and Yuuri found that strange. He was certain it was worse. He had _expected_ it to be worse. But then he thought perhaps with his long absence that he just assumed it was going to be worse. That was the only reason he could think of as to why it wasn’t so busy.

But it still had him wonder.

Yuuri did a lot of thinking lately. He thought about where he and Victor could go next in their relationship. He wondered more about the Universes choices and lessons for him. He still didn’t know what he had forgotten or what he was searching for. He had ideas, but nothing that pointed him in the right direction or to give him an answer he desperately wanted.

The only recent help he received was from that man and even that was only a brief help that did nothing to answer his questions. It pointed him into a direction which was more than what the Universe itself had given Yuuri long ago when they spoke to him, but it only gave away so much.

Yuuri knew whatever he was forgotten had something to do with Victor. But that was it. Whatever Victor’s first life was – the one that Yuuri didn’t remember – clearly had a major significance in what Yuuri was forgetting. But why Yuuri had forgotten it or why the Universe just didn’t tell him, he didn’t know. He didn’t know why he would ever want to forget anything to do with Victor, but he assumed it was something the Universe was planning.

He still wanted to ask. He had been thinking a lot about it and there were a few things the Universe had said to him that didn’t make sense now. He still didn’t know what he was searching for. Perhaps it was what he had forgotten – he just didn’t know.

 “I know I’ve changed because I fell in love with Victor. That was something you confirmed to me,” Yuuri spoke up to the night sky. He found that after Victor showed him the access to the roof, he wanted to take advantage of the silence up there. “But you said Victor had a reason to die that night and that I would discover that answer once I found out why I changed. But I can’t seem to figure it out. I know I ask for a lot at times, but I just want to know the answer to that.”

He stared up at the sky, listening and feeling for the Universes aura. He didn’t feel it. “I found out why I changed. I think I deserve to know that answer.”

“And you will.”

The voice startled him. He spun on his heel, eyes falling on yet another spirit he had never seen the face of before. It held the Universe inside, watching him with careful eyes and Yuuri stared back. He was surprised the Universe had arrived that easily. Before he had spent ages trying to get the Universe to speak with him and now suddenly, it was there. The Universe was being rather generous and that had Yuuri just as suspicious.

“When?” Yuuri questioned, stepping closer to the Universe. “When will I know. You said I would discover that when I found out why I changed. I found that answer but I still don’t know.”

“It seems that I may have been mistaken,” The Universe replied and Yuuri fought the deep urge to groan loudly. “But you will learn the reason why that human needed to die once you remembered what you’ve forgotten.”

“Are you kidding me?” Yuuri let out the groan he was fighting back. This was too much. He had enough. “First it was when I discovered why I changed. Now it’s when I remembered what I’ve forgotten. What, will I remember and then you tell me I need to find what I was searching for before I finally know? Why are you hiding all of this from me? Why can’t you just tell me?”

“That is the –”

“Lesson!” Yuuri yelled. “Yes, this great lesson you want to teach me! I really don’t care about the lesson. I just need to know.”

The Universe was silent for a moment and Yuuri held his breath, hoping that they would finally tell Yuuri the truth. “Perhaps I haven’t been completely honest with you,” The Universe spoke and Yuuri raised a brow. “I didn’t expect you to discover your change so soon. I have plans for you, Death. You just have to get through these obstacles and all will be revealed.”

Yuuri blinked. He really hoped the Universe wasn’t saying what he thought he was saying. “I have to remember what I forgot and find what I’m searching for before I will know?”

The Universe gave a single nod. “Yes.”

“Can’t you just tell me now?” Yuuri asked, crossing his arms.

“No.” Yuuri huffed. He had expected that. “It’s all right in front of you, Death. You just need to look harder.”

Yuuri didn’t understand. It was in front of him. It was all in front of him. That didn’t make sense. He opened his mouth to ask but there was a sudden silence and as Yuuri looked where the Universe stood, they were gone.

Yuuri didn’t know what he felt but he just wanted to get back to Victor. It had been a long day and he hadn’t seen Victor since that morning.

He returned back, appearing in the living room in an instant. He heard a yelp and he spun, eyes falling on Victor who was staring at Yuuri with fearful wide eyes. He let out a breath as his eyes softened when he realized it was just Yuuri.

It’s all right in front of him… Did the Universe mean Victor?

“You scared me, Yuuri,” He said as he let out a breath. He then got up and moved towards Yuuri, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him as close as he possibly could. He hadn’t seen Victor for most of the day and the embrace was exactly what Yuuri needed. “I missed you.”

His arms went around Victor. He needed to feel Victor’s warmth and comfort. “I caught up with everything. Nobody is waiting for me anymore.” He took a deep breath. “I missed you too.”

They pull back but only while they moved to the couch. They then stuck back together, their arms around each other and their legs tangled, but their comfort was bliss.

“Who were you talking to?” Victor asked. Yuuri looked down at him, brows dropped. Victor had heard him? “I could hear your voice.”

He couldn’t say the Universe. That would be too much for Victor to understand… just yet, anyway. “It was just a spirit.”

Victor hummed in response and they fell back into a peaceful silence. Yuuri found a lot of comfort in the silence, but he and Victor had been apart from each other for most of the day. Yuuri wanted to hear his voice. “How was therapy today?”

Victor sighed hard. “Well, I cried so it was just like any other day.” Yuuri tightened his grip around Victor and kissed him softly on the head. “We spoke a lot today. I may have found a part of myself that I love.”

Yuuri perked up. That was amazing news. “And what part was that?”

“The part that loves you.”

Yuuri felt his cheeks heat up. Victor loved that part of himself. It made Yuuri feel warm and light. “Victor…” He didn’t know what to say. He had so many words but they wouldn’t make any sense.

“But it’s true,” Victor said as he raised his head, looking Yuuri in the eye. “I fell in love with you and I love that part of me because I feel so happy. It isn’t going to solve everything. Love, I mean. Helen told me that. But it’s a start. At least I found a part that I love.”

Yuuri leaned forward so his forehead rested against Victor’s. He brought a hand up to run through Victor’s hair as he closed his eyes. “And I love every part of you, Victor.” He couldn’t help himself as he gently leaned in and kissed Victor’s warm lips. He pulled back, taking in every inch of Victor as he said, “You’re so beautiful.”

Victor bit his lip, breathing in a long breath. “I thought you didn’t notice beauty.”

Yuuri shook his head. “That was before I met you.” He smiled warmly and Victor returned it. “Like I said, I never _used_ to look at beauty. I didn’t know what it was.”

That had Victor stop and think for a moment. “You looked at me,” Victor said when he finally found the words. He was right. Yuuri did look at him. He looked at him what felt like a lifetime ago. He couldn’t believe how fast that time had gone by.

“I did,” Yuuri said, nodding.

“I remember you saying something to me once,” Victor said and Yuuri stayed silent. “It was before Nationals. Back then, you told me you first saw me skate when I was twenty-two. You said you thought I was so beautiful.”

“It’s still true, Victor,” Yuuri reminded him. “I still think you’re beautiful.”

“That isn’t what I wanted to ask,” Victor said. Yuuri saw his soul warm and he knew Victor appreciated what Yuuri had said, but it didn’t help his slowly growing nerves. “I wanted to ask _how_ you saw me when I was twenty-two. You said you never noticed beauty, but you said I was beautiful when you saw me and that was six years ago. I don’t understand.”

Then Yuuri realized what Victor was asking. He didn’t understand how Yuuri had noticed him – how Yuuri saw Victor when Yuuri saw nothing but the afterlife. Yuuri knew it was because of the connection he felt that he took notice of Victor, but why he suddenly saw Victor’s beauty, he assumed was from that connection too.

“You were the first beautiful thing I saw,” Yuuri spoke the truth because Victor was. He never became aware of beauty until he saw Victor that day. That day where everything in Yuuri’s life changed – where he felt connected with Victor. It was the first time he experienced something. He wanted Victor to know that. “There was a soul that died not far from where the rink was that you were skating at. I was going to move onto another soul but I saw a group of souls at the rink and I think I just got curious. I don’t know why I decided to go over, but I did. I had no reason to go to that rink.”

“But you did,” Victor said and Yuuri nodded.

“But I did,” He repeated. “And that was when I saw you and something in me changed. I saw beauty for the first time. I never used to feel anything, Victor. I could sympathize with spirits but that was it. I showed them pity. But now I feel more and It was since that day that I started to experience more. And the more I saw you, the more I wanted to explore those feelings.”

Victor then moved back, staring at Yuuri with dropped brows. “The more you saw me?” He asked and Yuuri blinked, unsure what to say. “What do you mean by that? It wasn’t the only time you saw me?”

Yuuri swallowed hard. The way Victor spoke almost sounded as if he was angry. Yuuri had to look at his soul. He had to see if Victor was angry. And to Yuuri’s relief, he wasn’t. But he was concerned and he was curious. Yuuri wanted to explain.

“I… I didn’t know what those feelings were and you helped me to make a little more sense of them. Every time I visited you, I felt a little more closer to you as I learned more about you. And you were just so interesting to me.”

“You… visited me?” Victor blinked rapidly before sitting up. His hand ran through his hair as he stared into the distance, eyes wide with shock. Yuuri sat up too, worried that he made things worse for Victor. He placed a hand on Victor’s shoulder, alerting Victor back to reality and Victor just stared at him with unreadable eyes.

Yuuri wanted Victor to know the truth. “I’ve been visiting you since you were twenty-two. It wasn’t all the time, but I would see you when I could. I was invisible, of course. You could never see me, but I was always there.”

Victor swallowed hard before asking, “How much did you see?”

Yuuri could tell Victor was worried about Yuuri seeing something specific. “It’s hard to say. I saw a lot of things.” He then had to make a choice. He could be honest with what he had seen or pick things out carefully. But Yuuri didn’t want to do that. Victor deserved his honesty. “I saw some of the people you brought home. I learned some of your habits, like your sleeping and bad eating habits. I… I also saw you cry some nights.”

That was what Victor worried for Yuuri to see. His head fell into his hands as he took a deep breath, shaking his head side to side. He groaned to himself, unable to meet Yuuri’s stare. “I didn’t want anyone to see that part of me.”

“Why?” Yuuri asked. He couldn’t understand.

“That was when I started feeling lonely. That was when it used to be so hard to be by myself because that… _horrible_ feeling of being alone used to drown me.” Victor breathed in a shaky breath and raised his head. “I hated myself so much the first time I cried about how lonely I was. Because I would look around and see nothing but people, yet I still felt so lonely. I never used to get it.”

“You were never truly alone,” Yuuri said.

“I know. I know, but it was when I was at home,” Victor sighed hard. “I just felt so empty and… alone. Even when I had Makkachin with me, she didn’t help my loneliness. I feel horrible for saying that but she didn’t. She helped me some nights when I cried, but… I don’t know.”

“The first time I saw you cry, I didn’t know what to do,” Yuuri began and Victor looked up. “I’ve had spirits cry in front of me before but I never wanted to comfort them. I never felt I needed to comfort them because they were dead and there was no reason for them to cry anymore. But you… you were alive and you had every reason to cry. So, I used to sit with you. I used to be by your side because to me, that was enough.”

Victor bit his lip, trying to keep his cry back but when a tear fell, he found it hard to do so. He turned to Yuuri, wrapping his arms around him for an embrace as he let his tears fall. “I wish I knew you were there,” Victor breathed against Yuuri’s shoulder. Yuuri kept him close. “I think you would have made those years a lot more bearable.”

“I wished I showed you I was there too,” Yuuri said quietly and placed a kiss on the side of Victor’s head. “I wished I had done this sooner. But… what is that saying you humans have? About being late or never…”

“Better late than never?” Victor asked.

“That’s it,” Yuuri nodded. “Better late than never.”

“Yeah,” Victor murmured against Yuuri’s shoulder. He took a deep breath. “I’m glad you’re here now. I’m so, so glad you’re here.”

They stayed in each other’s arms until Yuuri heard Victor’s breathing deepen and his body relaxed. He had fallen asleep. Yuuri smiled softly as he lifted Victor up, moving him into their bedroom and gently lying Victor down on the bed. Yuuri moved to lie behind him, wrapping his arms around Victor and pressing a soft kiss to the back of his neck.

He was going to make sure Victor never felt lonely again. He made that promise a while ago, but now, he was certain.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was a lot of talking. Victor's therapy session got waaaay ahead of me. But that means a longer chapter for you guys! <3 (And my new longest chapter of 8,200 words!! Yay!!)  
> I would also like to mention that things will progress a little slowly. We're at that point where they're learning more about themselves and each other so if much doesn't happen for a few chapters, that's why! But we are gradually building up to  _something_. That's all I'll say!
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> ~~I also see some of you suspecting Helen. I'm watching you......~~


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

 

There came a time somewhere in the mix of days that blurred together that made Yuuri realize he wasn’t going to find the answer to the Universes questions anytime soon.

And it frustrated him.

He could repeat what he already knew a thousand times and still not come any closer to finding an answer. He could scream it up to the heavens and beg the Universe to give him another clue or hint and he would still get nowhere. The question was a broken record in his mind and it wasn’t going to be fixed anytime soon.

But Yuuri did find that as much as he wanted to search for the answer, maybe he didn’t have to.

The Universe had told him that it was all right in front of him. The key word was _all_. Everything – the answers, the mystery – was all right in front of him and whatever it was, it would answer everything. Yuuri just couldn’t figure out exactly what it was that was ‘right in front of him.’

The Universe could have been talking about itself or Yuuri’s own self, but that didn’t make sense to him. His answer to his question was in plain sight and neither himself or the Universe could be seen that easily. Yuuri could only guess that he was constantly looking at the answer, but Yuuri only ever looked at one thing more often than anything else.

He looked at Victor a lot, but he also looked at his soul a lot, too.

He knew Victor wasn’t involved. He thought Victor might have been somewhere along the mess of questions but the more he thought about it, the more he realized that he was wrong. That man had told Yuuri he had forgotten Victor’s previous life. It wasn’t _Victor’s_ life he had forgotten, it was his soul’s first life. Two different lives in one single soul. Victor had nothing to do with it. Victor was just an innocent bystander who was unwillingly involved in it. But Victor was not involved in Yuuri’s answer.

Whoever Victor was before his current life was where he would find his answer. But then Yuuri was greeted with the problem that he couldn’t remember that life and he found himself in a constant loop. It wasn’t until one night where Yuuri was watching Victor’s resting soul that he came up with an idea.

If it was Victor’s first life he couldn’t remember, why didn’t he try and look into Victor’s soul to find it out himself?

He tried looking harder but he couldn’t see past the cloud of sorrow. He looked through the openings, his eyes trying to peek through the cracks that revealed his soul underneath but Yuuri couldn’t get a good enough look to see anything. It was all a blur. He couldn’t find his answer.

And it felt so stupid. Yuuri was Death. He knew the life of every single soul that existed in the infinite Universe and yet, he couldn’t remember the past life of one singular soul. That one soul that captured his attention six years ago held a life that Yuuri could not remember. It frustrated him. It annoyed him. And he wanted to know _why_ Victor’s past life was forgotten. He still didn’t know what it was he was searching for. Was it that life he couldn’t remember? He didn’t know.

The more Yuuri tried looking into Victor’s soul, the more he realized he wasn’t going to see anything. He needed a different tactic. He had an idea but he wasn’t certain it would work. He wasn’t even certain if it was possible for him to do but whatever was hiding beneath the sorrow that surrounded Victor’s soul was hiding something from him. As much as Yuuri could try to look, he wouldn’t get anywhere. He had to try his idea.

If he couldn’t see Victor’s soul, maybe he would just have to force his way through.

He didn’t really want to do it. He didn’t know if Victor would be willing to let Yuuri go searching through his soul or if it would even affect Victor in any way but he was getting desperate to find an answer. It wouldn’t leave his mind and knowing that the answer lied beneath the ache and pain in Victor’s soul made it even harder to forget. Yuuri needed to see past it all. He needed to reach and touch Victor’s soul at its core and try to see his past life that way. Otherwise, he may never find his answer.

Yuuri waited until night. He made sure Victor was sound asleep, deep in his dreams where he wouldn’t wake up. Tonight, was the night. He had to try, if not he may never know.

Yuuri took a deep breath to try and ease the nerve-wracking tug in his chest. He was a little scared too but he couldn’t turn back. He would only find himself in this situation again. He ran his fingers through Victor’s hair and kept his palms pressed to Victor’s head. Yuuri then closed his eyes, took a long deep breath, and focused.

He could feel Victor’s soul. It sent a shiver up his spine. He could feel little tingles of electric erupting through his hands as he focused harder, concentrating his every thought and energy onto Victor’s soul. He needed to push past the ache. It was pounding through his palm, thumping hard against it and Yuuri needed to ignore it. He took another deep breath and concentrated. He had to push through. He prepared himself, ready to surge all of his energy into breaking past the sorrow and with a single, willing thought, he pushed.

And the fiery burn that rushed through his hand made him pull back in an instant.

He hissed in pain, his teeth gritted together to force back his cry. He stared down at his trembling hands. The pain was there but he could see no injury. There was no scar, burn, or even a cut on his skin. There was nothing but the pain and the pounding ache that made his hands shake violently.

He glanced down at Victor’s soul and gasped. Victor was blissfully unaware of anything happening and his soul hadn’t changed. It didn’t show any injury from it fighting back. His soul fought against him. It refused to let him in and Yuuri couldn’t understand.

Victor’s soul not only fought against him, it hurt Yuuri to stop him from digging further. Victor’s soul was refusing to let him in and Yuuri was shocked. Victor should have been more open with Yuuri. He should have allowed Yuuri to see into his soul but evidently, Victor continued to keep himself closed off.

His soul – his real soul – that sat beneath the heavy emotion that surrounded it was keeping itself hidden from the world. It was closed off to anyone who wanted to read him. And then it made more sense.

Victor was struggling more than what Yuuri knew.

Victor had been making improvements during his therapy and along with his recovery, but while his mind was recovering, his soul was struggling to catch up. The sorrow that covered his soul was what Victor had believed himself to be. It was his false identity, the one that Helen was helping him overcome. But beneath that, where Victor soul was truly at, was struggling to break through. He had done more than just create a false identity for himself. He was hiding who he really was.

Yuuri wondered if that was what he was searching for – who Victor was beneath that false identity.

Victor still hadn’t revealed who he truly was to Yuuri. Yuuri could only see little bits of who Victor really was but around that, it was a cluster of Victor’s depression that held on like glue, and Victor’s struggle to love who he truly was. Yuuri couldn’t push past it and his soul wouldn’t let him.

If he really wanted to, he would have to hurt Victor to see past everything but Yuuri was never going to do that. He would rather never know the answer than hurt Victor. And it seemed Yuuri would have to do that.

Victor’s soul was hurting more than he thought and the search for answers was pushed aside. He decided to stop trying to look for the answer. The answer was less important to him than Victor was. Victor needed help to accept who he was and Yuuri was going to help him find himself – not so he could see inside Victor’s soul and to find his answer, but to help Victor become happier and accept who he is.

He would find his answer one day but he didn’t care for it anymore. Victor was his priority. Whatever he had forgotten and whatever he was searching for would come to him at some point. Like the Universe said, it was all right in front of him. He would find the answer eventually if it was.

And as he watched Victor sleep, he took in every scar and freckle that he wanted to remember. He could easily say he found peace in never knowing the answer. He was going to help Victor’s soul flourish and become who it truly is. His soul was beautiful, but Victor was even more so. Victor was so much more and Yuuri loved him with every inch of his being. Victor was his love. He was the most important thing in his life. And whatever Victor’s past life was didn’t matter to him anymore because that life wasn’t now, and Yuuri loved the now.

If he never found his answer, it would be okay, because he would have Victor with him. Victor was his life – his love.

 

* * *

 

Now that Victor knew Yuuri’s purpose in life, he was able to disappear whenever he pleased to help a spirit that needed him.

But when he would appear back to Victor, Yuuri would still startle him.

He appeared back into their bedroom heard Victor squeak out a quiet yelp. He turned to see Victor backed up on the bed, his book in hand and ready to throw. Victor sighed with relief and relaxed when he realized it was just Yuuri and Yuuri couldn’t help but laugh.

“You really haven’t gotten used to me suddenly appearing yet?” Yuuri asked and Victor pouted as he dropped his book on the bed and sat with his arms crossed.

“You could have been a burglar for all I knew.” Yuuri couldn’t help but smile fondly. Victor perked up at Yuuri’s smile, returning one too as he said, “I missed you.”

It became somewhat a tradition for Victor to say he missed Yuuri when he returned from helping a spirit. And Yuuri didn’t mind because he missed Victor too. He stepped forward and climbed on the bed, towards Victor to give him a soft kiss. He hummed with delight and said, “I missed you too.”

They then settled down and Victor returned to reading his book while Yuuri lied beside him, his head on Victor’s thigh and his phone in hand, texting Phichit. He was getting used to using his phone and figuring out what certain buttons meant. He still struggled but he was getting there. And he could keep up with Phichit’s rapid texting and overuse of emoji’s. He was getting used to it.

“Yuuri,” Victor’s voice spoke and Yuuri paused midway through a text to glance up. Victor’s book was in his lap, completely ignored by him as he stared down at Yuuri. Victor hesitated to speak, his mouth opened and closed until he found the words to say and he asked, “Do you have a scythe?”

Yuuri snorted a laugh, shaking his head. “Of course I don’t,” He chuckled. He couldn’t work out why Victor would ask him that and it made him laugh. He had no use for carrying around something that cut grass. “Why would you think I would have a scythe?”

“Well, I did some research online about Death, uh… you. And there are different beliefs of you in different cultures. It was really interesting, actually. There are some places that believe you carry around a scythe,” Victor explained. Yuuri thought every word was preposterous. He didn’t understand what he would need to use a scythe for. It seems pointless. “And that you’re a skeleton. And also, a woman in some cultures.”

Yuuri snorted out a laugh again. “I definitely have no reason to carry around a scythe. I don’t even know what I would use it for.”

“They believe you use it to reap souls,” Victor said.

Yuuri’s face dropped. All he could think about was a scythe cutting through a soul, killing it like a demon could. His chest ached. He couldn’t believe people would think he would hurt a soul like that. It was wrong. It was completely wrong.

“I don’t do that,” Yuuri needed to explain. He wanted Victor to know he would never hurt a soul that way. “That would kill it. I could never kill a soul. They’re too… I couldn’t – I”

“Yuuri, I believe you,” Victor reassured him. Yuuri bit his lip. He really hoped Victor was being honest. “It’s their belief but they don’t see it like that. They see it as you helping pass on a soul. They don’t think you’re hurting anyone.”

Victor’s hand began to stroke through his hair and it eased Yuuri’s mind. Victor was right. They didn’t see it the same way Yuuri did. They thought it was him helping them. He took a deep breath. He felt a little better about that now.

“I do wonder why they think you’re a skeleton though,” Victor pondered, changing the subject and Yuuri was glad he did.

“Perhaps it’s because when you die, each end is the same. You’re a skeleton buried beneath the ground,” Yuuri said. He caught the slightly mortified look on Victor’s face and cleared his throat before saying, “But, uh – I’m not a skeleton. I have one in this form, but I’m more of a… blur through time.” He still forgets that Victor wasn’t as used to the idea of death as he was.

“It would be cool if you did carry one around,” Victor replied with a playful grin. He calmed from his shocked state and Yuuri was glad. “You could use it to scare off those mean spirits that hurt people.” Victor then positioned his hands as if he was holding an invisible pole and proceeded to wave his arms around as if he was cutting through something. Yuuri laughed at him and Victor stopped as he smiled down at Yuuri. “And what about the woman thing? Where did that come from?”

“I should be asking you that. It’s your species that have sexes,” Yuuri said. Victor shrugged and Yuuri predicted he would do that. “But I can be a woman if I wish.”

“Wow.” Victor blinked rapidly, startled by the new information. “Really? How?”

“I am Death. I can take whatever form I wish but I’ll always be the same age,” Yuuri explained. He then pulled a face. It wasn’t enough of an explanation. “My age was chosen for me by the Universe. I will forever be a 24-year-old if I ever choose to change my looks. If I wish to be a woman, I must replicate the biology of one first before I work on my identity and my looks. It’s rather long and tiring to do so I don’t often change myself… But I have been a woman once before.”

“Why did you choose a man’s body?” Victor then asked. Yuuri thought about it.

“I feel comfortable as a male,” Yuuri explained. “I can’t exactly explain _why_ I preferred being a male when I never knew a sense of preference, but I assume it just felt right.” He then thought back to the time he had been a woman and Yuuri came to realize something. “Actually, now that I think back to it, I never enjoyed having a female body. I never really chose femininity. I only experimented with it.”

“Do you have a gender?” Victor then asked.

“No.” Yuuri shook his head. “I am Death. I wasn’t born, I was created with only guidance in mind. Gender, sexuality, everything that makes you human is not what I have. I merely exist in this infinite Universe as a form that can replicate other species.

“Wow, Yuuri,” Victor stared with amazement. Yuuri didn’t think it was that amazing but he knew to Victor, this was completely new to him. “Would you say you were a man then?”

Yuuri thought for a second before nodding. “Yes,” he said. “I am male.” It felt right. It felt like him.

They fell into a silence once the discussion ended. Yuuri enjoyed conversations like that. It allowed him to think of himself in a way he never could by himself. He could think of who he was and it opened this new world about himself that he never knew before. It interested him when he learned about himself.

When the night pulled in Victor stopped reading his book and instead, they moved into the living room because Victor wanted to watch a movie instead. Yuuri never found much enjoyment from watching movies. They didn’t appeal to him as much as they did Victor, but he still sat with him to watch them. He enjoyed spending time with Victor. It was nice.

Yuuri didn’t know what was happening in the movie or what the plot was, but he assumed they were nearing the end when Victor decided he wanted to talk. “Yuuri,” He said and Yuuri glanced at him. He was curled up to Yuuri’s side, half sat on his lap with his head resting on Yuuri’s shoulder. “There’s something I didn’t tell you about my therapy session. Well, there were a couple of things actually and Helen wants me to talk to you about them.”

The movie suddenly became the last thing on his mind. “Is everything alright?”

Victor sighed heavily. He raised his head and Yuuri turned, meeting Victor’s gaze. “The things Helen wanted me to talk to you about, I can’t discuss one of them. I’m not ready to do it yet but I will one day.” Yuuri nodded. He understood. Victor then continued. “The other is something I want to tell you because it’s something you can do that can help me.”

Yuuri was going to listen to every word. If it was to help Victor in any way, he would do it. “Whatever it is, I will try my best,” Yuuri said and Victor gave him a warm smile.

“I know you will,” Victor said then paused. He took a deep breath, preparing himself to talk with Yuuri. “What happened at Worlds seemed to have affected me more than I thought. I – I thought I was doing okay but I found that I have a lot of… built up emotions that I let loose during that therapy session.”

Yuuri hated to admit that he didn’t expect that. He thought after Victor stopped feeling so numb, he was feeling better. He clearly misread him. Yuuri wondered if this was what Victor needed to tackle to start his soul healing. Perhaps it was Worlds that made him want to hide away his soul.

And Yuuri was suddenly struck with guilt.

“But regardless of that, I’m not ready to talk about how Worlds made me feel,” Victor continued. Yuuri snapped out of his thoughts, concentrating back on Victor. “I didn’t handle myself that well and I don’t want to lose control of my mind when I tell you about it. I don’t want to put you through that. Helen knows what she’s doing so I want to try and talk to her about it first. When I know I’m ready, I will let you know. Is that alright?”

Yuuri nodded without hesitating. “If that’s what’s best for you, then I will wait.” Victor had waited patiently for Yuuri to tell him he was Death, he could wait for Victor too.

“But I do want to tell you what you can do to help me if I do ever lose control of my mind,” Victor said.

“Okay.”

Victor chewed on his lip with nerves, thinking to himself to find the right words. “I… I find that when I do have a breakdown, I envision myself drowning,” Victor began. Yuuri could guess why Victor envisioned that. It was the death he nearly fell to when they first met. “I see that because it’s what I feel like. I feel like I’m constantly trying to fight to breathe every single day. The way I see it, I’m either stuck in a hole that’s filling up with water or I’m in the ocean and I’m growing tired of trying to keep myself above water level. When I can’t… control my thoughts, I feel like I’m under the water and I’m drowning.”

Yuuri took a deep breath to ease the heart-breaking ache in his chest. He couldn’t imagine how that must feel like, living with that every day. He felt nothing but an intense need to help Victor. He wanted Victor to never feel like that again. “How can I help you when that happens?”

“When I see myself like that, you’re there sometimes,” Victor said. “But other times, you’re not.”

Yuuri couldn’t believe that. He would always try to be there.

“Sometimes when I do see you there, you don’t always help me,” Victor explained and the ache in Yuuri’s chest struck harder than before. It was like a stab, pushing through and hurting him in a way he never felt before. He would always, _always,_ help Victor. He had no doubt about that. “but I find if I try and change those thoughts and I see you helping me, it helps me… snap out of it, in a way. I hope this is making sense.”

Yuuri nodded. “It’s making sense.”

Victor smiled weakly before he continued. “When it happened, Helen talked me through seeing you and getting you to help me – in my mind, I mean,” He said, continuing the explanation. “When I have a breakdown and I say I can’t breathe or I’m drowning or some… something like that, try and talk me through seeing you and getting you to help pull me from the water. I can’t do it myself but If you talk me through it, I should be okay. I think.”

Yuuri nodded again. He would always try. “I’ll try, Victor.” He then wondered why Victor sometimes saw him not helping Victor. He would always help Victor. “do you see me not helping you? I’ll always help you.”

“I think it’s just my fear,” Victor said. “You know, when we first met I… could have died the way. I think I just seem to fear you being there but not helping me. I know you’ll help me, but it’s something I can’t help.”

Yuuri suspected that was the case. He took a glimpse at Victor’s soul. He was hoping that conversation would let the cracks widen and have Victor open himself up to Yuuri a little more, but he found it stayed as it did before. It continued to struggle, keeping itself hidden and protected behind what wasn’t true.

But regardless, his soul had fight. His soul had fought against its fate when Yuuri met him all those months ago. It fought to break free when he received support from Yakov. And it continued to fight now Victor was in therapy and talking through his emotions. It wasn’t taking huge steps, or even keeping up with how much his mind had recovered, but it was trying. It was fighting.

Yuuri believed Victor wanted to let him in, but until Victor’s soul healed some more, he may never know.

Yuuri leaned forward, their foreheads touching and he couldn’t resist. He kissed Victor slow and soft, and it was comforting in more ways than words could. They pulled apart and Yuuri fought the urge to lean back in. He had words to speak.

“You’re fighting so hard,” Yuuri said softly. His hand rested below Victor’s ear, his thumb caressing his cheek as their breaths combined. “You can pull through this.”

Victor bit back his smile as he nodded. “I can. I will,” He said. “I love you, Yuuri.”

Yuuri was warm, like he was wrapped in a warm blanket on a cold day. It was comfort and security. And he knew the feeling. It was what he learned not long ago.

“I love you too.”

Victor’s smile was warm and sweet and Yuuri could never grow tired of seeing it. Victor the breathed in, sitting up straight in his chair as he said, “Now that’s been discussed, I was wondering something,” He paused and Yuuri raised a brow. “Maybe if we could practice that teleporting thing for a bit?”

Yuuri didn’t expect that. “You want to try?” He asked and Victor nodded happily. “Okay, we’ll start small. From here into the bedroom.”

“And then here to France.”

Yuuri couldn’t help but laugh at Victor’s eagerness. “Victor, you couldn’t handle appearing in the same country too well. How could you handle going to France?”

Victor shrugged carelessly. “Maybe it was wishful thinking.” He smiled and Yuuri tried keeping his back but failed miserably. “Let’s try into the bedroom!”

Yuuri took a deep breath as he prepared himself. He focused on Victor’s soul and as he moved them from the living room into their bedroom, he realized he made a mistake but it was too late. On impact, Yuuri miscalculated their drop and instead of landing them safely on their bed, they fell to the floor just in front of the bed instead.

It was all fun and laughs when Yuuri realized Victor wasn’t mad at him for getting it wrong. Their fit of giggles distracted them for a few minutes before Yuuri remembered the reason why they were practicing. He turned to Victor who still had a smile on his face from their laughter. Yuuri was tempted not to ask, but he should.

“How do you feel?”

Victor raised a brow before he huffed a laugh, remembering why Yuuri would ask that. “I feel fine. I have this weird tingling in the tips of my fingers and my toes, but other than that I’m fine!” Victor then raised a finger as something came to mind. “Oh! Maybe we should try going down town next!”

Tingling didn’t sound too good to Yuuri and he definitely didn’t want to take Victor any further if he didn’t feel completely fine after a jump. Yuuri shook his head and ignored the disappointed pout Victor gave. He reached out, bringing Victor’s hands into his and as he met Victor’s eyes, he said, “I want to make sure you’re completely fine when we teleport.” He didn’t know where the use of the word ‘teleport’ came from, but it felt right describing what they were trying to do. “And until then, I won’t take you any farther than our house. Okay?”

Victor took a deep breath and nodded. He was still disappointed. Yuuri could see it, but he did understand. “Okay. No farther than our house until I feel fine.” Victor smiled and pulled Yuuri forward, kissing him softly. He moved back and smiled warmly as he said, “Next time, we’ll stand up when we teleport.”

Yuuri smiled and agreed. They were to not go any further than their house.

They had tried a few more times, teleporting between the living room and bedroom. The second time they tried it, Victor still felt a tingle in his hands and feet but it wasn’t until Yuuri teleported them back into the living room that Victor’s stomach protested and he needed to lie down for a few hours.

That happened a few times and Yuuri could easily conclude that traveling to a place was fine, but traveling from a place didn’t make Victor feel too well. When Victor felt better and ready to go, they gave it another shot.

Yuuri found it easier to teleport with Victor, as well as finding his soul easier. He could remember where it is and he could find it so much quicker than he could before. He hoped that soon it would be so automatic that he could teleport with Victor without having to concentrate so hard. But he found after teleporting Victor for a while, he felt his head starting to feel heavy with this ache that sat just above his eyes. It was uncomfortable and he wasn’t too happy with the feeling, but it disappeared after a while and he decided not to mention it.

Victor got used to teleporting a lot sooner than Yuuri thought. It had only been a few days since their first practice and Victor would feel fine teleporting to a place. It was coming back that always had him feeling unwell. After a week of practicing, Victor was able to handle going from their bedroom to the street outside their house, but he still couldn’t handle going back. But then one day, Yuuri had a thought.

“Victor,” He said one morning, shaking Victor’s arm to wake him up. Victor groaned and rolled onto his back. He raised his hand and pressed it to Yuuri’s cheek, pushing Yuuri back to stop him from shaking him awake. Yuuri moved away from Victor’s hand and huffed. “Victor, wake up.”

“Sleepy,” He mumbled and rolled onto his stomach, burying his head further into his pillow. “You don’t sleep. I do. Leave me... sleep.”

Yuuri wanted to be irritated but he couldn’t help but force his laughter back. He still couldn’t understand why some humans struggled to wake up. He always thought it would be as easy as eating or drinking. He watched as Victor moved to lay on his back again, his arm over his eyes and his chest rising with each breath. He suspected Victor wasn’t asleep, but even if he was, he wasn’t getting up anytime soon.

And if Yuuri’s eyes hadn’t diverted further down to where the sheets reached his prominent ‘V’ line, Yuuri might have left him there. He had an idea.

He moved to sit in between Victor’s legs. He glanced up and caught the slight curve on Victor’s lips. He knew what Yuuri had planned and it encouraged Yuuri to continue. He pulled the sheets down, revealing Victor’s cock and Yuuri took the time to admire it and himself how to do this. It wasn’t often he went down on Victor. He never felt confident enough to do so but something about today made him want to try.

He took a deep breath and willed himself to do it. He reminded himself what techniques Victor used on him and as he held Victor’s cock in his hand, he slowly dragged his tongue up his length. The satisfied, soft moan that escaped Victor’s lips had Yuuri smile. He moved to the tip, pressing a soft kiss to the head of his cock before he parted his lips and took the head into his mouth.

Victor dug his heels into the mattress as his fingers threated through Yuuri’s hair. Victor gasped at Yuuri’s touch and tugged his hair. Yuuri almost had to pull back. He kept himself focused as he circled his tongue around the head and when Victor moaned Yuuri’s name like a hymn, he moaned around Victor’s cock. Victor gasped out a curse and Yuuri couldn’t help but smile.

He should wake up Victor with this more often.

He ventured lower, taking more of Victor’s length into his mouth. Any thought he had for today was long gone – lost in the lust that clouded his mind. But it was worth hearing the noises Victor made, especially when he hallowed his cheeks and sucked while sliding his tongue along the bottom of Victor’s cock. The soft panting and loud moans that fell from Victor’s mouth was like hearing a song he could never tire of

He could feel Victor shiver and tremble from just his touch and that thought alone had Yuuri want Victor to know how much he was enjoying this too. Each gasp that escaped Victor’s lips – each moan and curse he breathed out – only encouraged Yuuri to try something new. He remembered Victor’s words from long ago. If he didn’t like it, he would say.

Yuuri’s hand stroked along Victor’s hips and around the curve of his ass. His fingers ventured between his cheeks and as his finger found Victor’s hole, he circled the tip of his finger around it. He heard a muffled groan and Yuuri couldn’t help but glance up. Victor was a flushed mess. He had his hand pressed to his mouth, keeping his moans silent as his back was arched off the bed and Yuuri thought the sight was nothing but sheer _bliss_.

His finger continued to teasingly circle around Victor’s hole as he bobbed his head, putting every ounce of attention into bringing Victor pleasure. The sudden tug on his hair and quiver of Victor’s cock warned Yuuri that Victor was brought over the edge. He watched as Victor threw his head back, his jaw dropped as he moaned loudly, spilling his wet heat down Yuuri’s throat.

Yuuri swallowed it all, keeping his lips around Victor’s length as he sucked every last drop. He pulled off and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. He looked up at Victor who stared back at him with a warm smile on his parted lips. Yuuri smiled as he moved up to lie by Victor’s side and pressed a kiss on his cheek.

“I see you’re awake,” Yuuri said teasingly and Victor gave Yuuri a blank stare before his lips stretched into a wider smile and he let out a laugh.

“You’re… that was a very nice surprise,” Victor sighed, grinning softly at Yuuri. “You can wake me up that way more often.”

“I did think that,” Yuuri replied. “But I did wake you up for a reason. I have an idea.”

Victor groaned as his hand ran across his face, breathing out a soft laugh when he said, “Give me ten minutes to get my mind back.”

Victor’s ten minutes ended up being a full hour before he finally sat up and was ready to hear Yuuri’s idea. Yuuri was restless. He was rather excited to tell Victor his idea. He was bouncing in his seat, ecstatic to tell Victor and see his reaction. If it worked, they would be closer to making their plans of traveling coming soon.

“Okay, Yuuri,” Victor said as he stretched his arms above his head and yawned loudly. “What is it you wanted to tell me?”

Yuuri couldn’t help but think _finally_ when Victor had asked. “I was thinking a lot about how you react when we teleport and it gave me a thought.” Victor raised a brow, waiting for Yuuri to continue. “You seem to not handle teleporting back to a place, do you?”

Victor thought back and shook his head. “It doesn’t sit well.”

“But we always teleport back as soon as we go somewhere. Here’s my idea – why don’t we just not teleport back just after we go somewhere?” Yuuri said. Victor pressed a finger to his mouth as he thought about it. Yuuri felt rather proud of his idea. It might just solve their problem and if it did, Yuuri would be so pleased.

“That might work,” Victor said, nodding with agreement. Yuuri smiled widely. “It might be the sudden change that hits me, so if I wait a while between teleporting, it could give me time to adjust?”

“Exactly!” Yuuri said smiling. “We can try it now. I want to see how you react when we teleport into town and we could spend some of today there?”

Victor let out a sigh as he nodded. “We can go to the park and spend some time there.” He turned to the window, eyes squinting at the bright light. “And it’s a nice day too. It shouldn’t be too much of a problem.”

And then their plans were made. Victor hadn’t wanted to do much but he did want to try Yuuri’s idea. Once they were dressed in appropriate clothing to leave the house in and Victor had eaten his breakfast, they were ready to go. Yuuri gave Victor a look of confidence and when Victor returned it, Yuuri held onto his hand, felt for his soul, and they moved.

They reappeared in an empty alley way, away from the world that could have seen something they thought was impossible. Yuuri looked around before his eyes fell onto Victor. He checked over him, making sure if he looked alright. He had color to his cheeks and a warm smile on his face and Yuuri knew without words that Victor was alright.

But he still needed to ask. “How are you feeling?” He said, concern rushing through him.

“I feel good,” Victor nodded and Yuuri sighed with relief. “My fingers don’t feel tingly. My stomach feels fine. I feel… good.”

Yuuri smiled. He was so relieved. It was the furthest Victor had traveled and Yuuri had the fear that he wouldn’t handle traveling that far, but now it seemed he was getting used to it and that made Yuuri pleased with himself.

He kept hold of Victor’s hand, squeezing it as he said to Victor, “Shall we go?” Victor nodded and they began their day.

When their day came to an end and they were ready to go home, Yuuri could easily say it was an enjoyable day. Yuuri couldn’t say much about lunch since he couldn’t taste, but Victor had enjoyed it, exclaiming his favorite phrase, “Vkusno!” when he thought something was delicious. Yuuri enjoyed their conversation more than he did his food, but that was always the case.

When they moved into the park, the sun was high in the sky and warm against their skin and they spent a few hours sat beneath the shade of a tree, finding peace in being with each other and relaxing. They had talked some more while sat there – Victor wanting to ask more questions about Yuuri’s life as Death and Yuuri answered whatever questions he had. He was getting used to Victor coming up with wilder and stranger questions, but he still couldn’t help but wonder where half of them came from.

They didn’t do much but they didn’t need to. Just being with each other was enough for them to find enjoyment in their day. They were even reluctant to leave but when the air became colder, Yuuri wanted Victor to get back inside where it was warm.

That was how they found themselves back in the empty alley way, looking at each other with a confident stare and preparing themselves for the travel back. Yuuri felt it was silly of them to feel so nervous about traveling back but it would open a new door for them. If they knew how to get Victor to feel comfortable with teleporting, they could adventure further than Europe.

“Are you ready?” He asked and with a deep breath, Victor nodded. Yuuri tried to calm his nerves but knowing this moment could bring them utter joy or disappointment made it hard to keep them at bay.

But he had to get them back and with a blink of an eye, Yuuri held onto Victor’s soul. His single, willing thought became whole as they appeared back in their living room. Yuuri opened his eyes and his first thought was to check on Victor.

He glanced at him, eyes scanning over his face to check the color. He would always look pale and unwell whenever they returned but to Yuuri’s surprise, his cheeks had color to them. Victor stared back at him, an ecstatic smile on his face and Yuuri returned it, equally as happy as Victor was.

“I feel fine,” Victor said in disbelief as he looked down at his hands, wiggling his fingers. “I don’t feel sick. My fingers aren’t tingling. I feel fine!”

Yuuri’s mind didn’t catch up when Victor held Yuuri’s face and pulled him forward for a kiss. It was passionate and soft and Yuuri couldn’t help but stroke his hands along Victor’s hips and ease his hands under Victor’s shirt. It was such good news. They could travel. They could do more and Yuuri was excited about their future.

And that night, Victor hugged Yuuri’s body against his own and made love to him from behind, hands over his body and bringing him to such pleasure that he saw stars.

It was a night he would remember, and a day he could never forget.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, about Victor's soul and that unknown past life... what's up with that? Hmmmm (^～^)
> 
> And hey look at that, smut. I haven't written any in a while and I wasn't going to but it just kind of happened! And Victor can now travel with Yuuri! Who knows where they will go next!! :D
> 
> Also, heyyy, things will get interesting soon. I promise that. I feel like things have slowed down and we're not getting anywhere regarding the plot and finding the answers. But things will definitely be happening soon! Just one more chapter to go! (But I won't say if it's good or bad things ;) Some things I have to keep a secret!)
> 
> I'm also on a roll with these long chapters. This one wasn't as long as the last one, but still longer than I expected it to be! Hopefully, I can keep them this long!
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter! <3


	30. Chapter 30

 

“Yakov!” Victor sang down the phone as they were packing their suitcases. Yuuri couldn’t help but smile at the sound of his voice from the bathroom. “I’m just calling to let you know that me and Yuuri going to, uh… Yuuri!”

Yuuri looked up at the door. “Yeah?” He called back.

“Where are we going first?” Victor’s voice replied.

“Germany.”

“Yes! We’re going to Germany.” Yuuri took notice of the few moments of silence that followed afterward and he couldn’t help but step into the bathroom to check.

Victor had his phone away from his ear but a joyful smile to his face. Yuuri could hear Yakov’s muffled voice yell through the phone, clearly angry and upset over something. Yuuri tried to stifle his laugh. Victor pressed the phone back to his ear. “Yakov, Yakov, I have everything sorted I – Here, talk to Yuuri.”

Victor held the phone out and Yuuri stared wide eyed. He didn’t want to speak to Yakov while he was like that. Victor gave him a reassuring smile and nodded, gesturing to the phone to take it. Yuuri reluctantly took it and pressed it to his ear. He cleared his throat. “Uh, Hi, Yakov.”

“What the hell do you two mean you’re going to Germany. And _first_? Where else do you plan to go?!” Yakov yelled down the phone. Yuuri could understand why Victor needed to keep it away from his ear. His booming voice sent a strange feeling through Yuuri’s ear and he felt the need to pull it away. “And what about Victor’s therapy? And his plans for his career? He should be concentrating on those, not traveling!”

“If it makes you feel better, Helen suggested we move these lessons to once a week so we can travel and still have Victor go to therapy,” Yuuri informed him. A silence followed.

“His therapist supports him traveling?”

Yuuri nodded before stuttering out, “Yes.” He always forgot people can’t see him through phones and that nodding was pointless. “He wanted to travel around Europe but we couldn’t because of his therapy. He spoke to her the other day and she dropped his sessions to once a week. She think’s it’ll be good for him.”

“It’ll be good for him?” Yakov asked. “I don’t see how. I think he should be working on getting better and starting his new career.”

“I think it’s best you ask Victor that,” Yuuri said and handed the phone back to Victor, who took it quicker than Yuuri did. Victor held the phone to his ear, listening to Yakov repeat himself.

“She thinks it’s good that I want to go out and explore. It’s better than me being held up in my room, not wanting to get up or… do anything,” Victor said as he turned to grab their toothbrushes and toothpaste. “I just want to take a break away from here. It feels like it’s suffocating me and I don’t want to spend another day here. Yuuri and I have it all planned to! We leave Wednesday night, spend time wherever we’re at, and come back Monday morning, so I can still go to my therapy sessions. And then we go somewhere else! It’ll be fun!”

Yakov spoke something in reply and Yuuri strained to hear it, but he could guess the question from Victor’s response. “It’s not that expensive traveling around Europe. I’ve estimated how much it’ll cost and I’ll be fine.” Victor shot Yuuri a glance and shook his head. They both knew they didn’t need to worry about spending money to travel.

By the end of the conversation, Yakov wasn’t too convinced but he was more accepting of the idea than he was before. Victor felt pleased with the conversation and Yuuri was happy he did. They went back to finishing packing their suitcases and when they were ready, they shared a kiss and a confident smile – and then they were gone.

Upon their arrival in Germany, they did a check on how Victor was feeling and after Yuuri fussed over him and Victor expressed that he was fine, they began their adventure.

Their first week in Germany was a mix of adventuring out and Victor trying new food he’s never eaten before to not doing anything because Victor felt too heavy to get out of bed that day. Yuuri didn’t mind. He had already seen everything the world had to offer him. Victor, however, felt horrible on those bad days.

“I’m keeping you away from seeing the world,” Victor would say to Yuuri while he was lying by his side. “You shouldn’t have to stay here just because I’m here. I’m sorry, Yuuri.”

But Yuuri never left his side and as much as Victor would disagree with him on the day and try to convince Yuuri to leave him and go sightseeing himself, Victor would say how thankful he was Yuuri didn’t leave when a new day arrived. Yuuri had made a promise. He was going to help Victor’s soul get better and on those days where it seemed almost like an impossible task, he did all he could. And he would notice the smallest change in Victor's soul the next day.

Visiting Germany didn’t do much in helping Victor’s soul heal but Victor did enjoy his time. They came back home the Monday evening and Victor had told Yuuri he wanted to discuss his bad days with Helen. He didn’t like that his bad days would hit while they were adventuring. He wanted to learn how to overcome them and what to do when he did feel too heavy to get up. He felt disappointed in himself on those days and it only added to the ache in his soul.

His soul didn’t show a change during their time in Germany, but it wasn’t until he came back from his therapy session with Helen that his soul seemed to brighten up against the sorrow, shining through the cracks and making itself clear that it felt better, but no closer to opening up to Yuuri.

Helen had helped Victor make sense of his bad days and why he felt so horrible about them. Victor was able to express himself and help himself find out why he sometimes felt so low and what he could try to do to overcome them. And Yuuri noticed a difference in not just Victor’s soul, but when they made their way over to Italy.

Victor had his bad days but he was able to do more with them. Before he would find himself unable to get out of bed. When Victor had his first bad day in Italy, he spent the morning hidden away from the world until early in the evening when he asked Yuuri if they could leave to get food. Yuuri saw that as a success. Not only did Victor manage to get himself out of his bad day, but he also asked for food. Victor rarely ate on his bad days.

Victor found some comfort in Italy and wherever it came from helped ease his soul. It wasn’t so restless. Although it was still agitated from the sorrow that continued to stay put, it didn’t fight so hard against it because it didn’t need to fight so hard anymore. It seemed to have relaxed, fighting back with more ease than a struggle.

There was something Victor had said to Yuuri that made him wonder if it was the start of his soul’s recovery. They were sat outside of a café. Victor had a coffee in hand and was rambling on about a story that involved himself and Chris and Yuuri was listening, intrigued by Victor’s story. Victor had taken a sip from his coffee, placed it down in front of him and as he focused his stare on the cup, he said, “It disappointed me that Chris couldn’t make it. But I felt a stronger disappointment before. Like at Worlds.”

And then Victor changed the subject quicker than he fell onto the subject and Yuuri didn’t get much time to think or react to it until a day later when he thought back to it. He found it rather odd the way he mentioned it. He hadn’t expected Victor to even speak about worlds for a while.

He decided not to mention it, but he was going to take note of it.

France was next on their list and Yuuri had suspected Victor had some nerves about going. He had really wanted to go before, wanting to explore Paris with Yuuri but now they were ready to leave, Yuuri could see his nerves.

He was shaking from head to toe. He was blinking rapidly and his soul was restless once again. It was agitated, unsure how it felt about going to France which Yuuri could understand. It was a difficult place for Victor to go – bringing back memories of a night he wanted to forget. But it was also a night he couldn’t forget. It was the night he met Yuuri.

But he had mixed feelings. It was his near end, but it was also his new beginning. It was where he wanted to die, but also where he met Yuuri – his savior and lover. Victor didn’t know how he felt and it made him a trembling, nervous wreck.

“It’s just a stupid fear, Yuuri,” Victor breathed in a shaky breath. He was trying to convince Yuuri to take him but Yuuri wasn’t convinced one bit. “Let’s go, yes?”

But they didn’t.

They decided to avoid France until Victor was completely ready to go. Victor protested, saying that he was fine and he wanted to go. They had a long talk that nearly ended in another argument but in the end, Victor had agreed.

They adventured elsewhere instead. They made love on the beaches in Spain, got lost in the middle of London for six hours, and when they traveled to Switzerland, Victor found time to visit Chris once again. He had asked Yuuri if they could go visit him while they were there and Yuuri couldn’t say no.

While they were with Chris, Yuuri noticed that for a fourth time, Victor had mentioned Worlds for a few moments before changing the subject completely. He had mentioned it in Spain, claiming Worlds made him more than just numb. He spoke about it while they were lost in London, stating that Worlds made him feel like he was forced into silence.

And the fourth time was while they were with Chris. They were all out for lunch with Chris, catching up and having an enjoyable conversation when Victor had asked Chris if he celebrated winning gold.

“Oh, yes. I may have drunk a little too much but it happens,” Chris replied, shrugging off his comment.

Victor smiled at him. “I’m glad you won. But I am sorry I didn’t watch your free skate,” He said before turning his gaze to his food. “At least you were able to finish your skate.”

There was a second where Chris shot Yuuri a glance that shared the same expression Yuuri held. Victor suddenly raised his head, cleared his throat, and in an instant, he changed the subject. “Do you remember when we were twenty-four and –”

And Yuuri wondered what Victor was trying to do.

When they were finished in Switzerland, they moved to another country. They went to Poland, Sweden, The Netherlands, Greece, and more. They saw as much as they could and made new friends along the way. And everything felt like it was going okay.

It was going okay in more than just their travels, but Victor’s soul was good too. He was having less bad days as a month rolled by, and when another had gone by, Victor was feeling better about himself. In between traveling, going to therapy, and spending time doing things, it was keeping Victor’s mind busy and his soul relaxed. He didn’t think too much about his past anymore. They were focused on their future, and Yuuri could see Victor was more relaxed and at ease.

Yet regardless to Victor not thinking much about his past, the mention of Worlds appeared every so often and Yuuri decided to let it be. Victor had said to him he would tell Yuuri about Worlds when he was ready, and Yuuri assumed this was him wanting to be ready.

He had noticed how Victor’s soul was gradually easing too. As they jumped from one country to another, it was finding more of a reason to rest. It felt less pressure – less of a need to be what it thought it had to be. And Yuuri couldn’t keep his eyes off it.

Day by day, Yuuri would watch the sorrow slowly fade, evaporating like a puddle under the sun. But every so often a cloud would come by, keeping it safe from the sun under a protective shield and the sun was struggling to shift it. But each day, it was slowly disappearing.

And yet, regardless of his slow healing soul, Victor still kept it back. He still kept it hidden from the world in a protective bubble, hiding in what was his safe place. His soul still refused to let Yuuri in and Yuuri began to wonder if Victor feared to show his soul to Yuuri. But he couldn’t see any fear in his soul. It could also be hidden beneath everything too. Souls could block themselves off from Yuuri while they lived. It was through death that he could read everything about a soul.

But Yuuri wasn’t going to let Victor die just so he could see his soul in full.

And he didn’t need to.

Victor’s soul was making a slow recovery. It was slowly catching up with his mind and Yuuri hoped that once it did, both Victor’s mind and soul would continue to find peace and gradually get better. But things were going smoothly. Things were sweet and easy and nothing was going wrong.

Victor even asked Yuuri when they returned from Finland if they could go to France next. Yuuri was hesitant, unsure if Victor was ready. He peeked into Victor’s soul and it held a confidence that stood boldly. Victor wanted to face his fear. Victor was ready to go and while his soul was at peace, Yuuri knew he was ready too.

Victor had expressed he felt nervous as they were packing to leave but it was nothing to how he felt when they were first going to travel. Victor was more prepared and ready this time. He had taken a deep breath, smiled at Yuuri, and they were ready to go.

They had agreed to stay in Paris. There was enough for them to see and they both felt happy with the choice.

On arrival, they booked themselves into a hotel and made plans to spend the evening getting in a little sightseeing. Those plans were long forgotten when they found themselves lying on the comfort of their bed, making love to each other as the sun was setting in the distance.

That night when the moon was high and Victor fell asleep, Yuuri found himself on their balcony looking over Paris. It felt too big to fully appreciate everything in the short amount of time they had there. He wanted to see it all – to see as much as he could and appreciate everything this world had to offer him. He had the time to do that. But as he glanced behind him, eyes falling on the beauty that slept soundly in their bed, he was reminded that not everyone had that much time.

He wished Victor had more time. He would show Victor everything the Universe had to offer if Victor just had the time to live and see it all. But he was human. He couldn’t see everything Yuuri could see. He couldn’t experience or feel what Yuuri could. Yuuri was a spirit of time and space, created to care for souls and look after the dead.

And Victor… he was human. He wasn’t like Yuuri. Victor could feel the light and the dark. He had a full range of emotions – all of which he could understand. Those emotions, those feelings, they were normal and useful to him. Victor could sense, feel, and experience in more ways than Yuuri could comprehend.

As Yuuri stared back, looking across the city full of light, he wondered if he could ever appreciate this the same way Victor could. He wanted to sense more – to truly feel his surroundings. He wanted to feel the cold air of Russia. He wanted to taste the delicious foods that made Victor exclaim in pure delight. He wanted to exist in a time frame, alongside the person he loved the most. It was what he wanted, but he didn’t know if he could ever achieve it.

The warm arms that went around his waist pulled Yuuri back from his thoughts. He didn’t need to turn to know who it was. The warmth and love that radiated from Victor’s soul were recognizable to Yuuri.

“Yuuri,” Victor sang lazily in his ear. He rested his head on Yuuri’s shoulder and hummed with delight. “The bed feels cold without you there.”

Yuuri couldn’t help but let out a faint laugh. “I don’t emit warmth, Victor. That’s all from you.”

There was a silence until Victor took a deep breath and asked, “Is everything alright?”

Yuuri didn’t know. “I’m just thinking a lot,” He said. “There’s a lot on my mind right now.”

“Would you like to talk about it?” Victor asked. Yuuri wasn’t sure if he could even form the right words to explain exactly what he was thinking and how to explain it. He felt it was beyond Victor’s imagination. “Talking about it can help.”

“I don’t think you’d understand the words I speak if I did,” Yuuri replied.

“Try me.”

Knowing that Victor wanted to try and understand Yuuri made him smile and encouraged him to give it a go. If Victor didn’t understand, at least he could get his words out.

Yuuri took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and prepared himself for an explanation that even he was unsure he could understand. “I feel a sense of uncertainty to my existence. There’s something that’s been sitting in my mind, right at the back where I struggle to reach it. And it’s been a constant bother to me ever since I developed my emotions.” He paused. It made sense, right?

“I’ve become aware of more than I ever thought, and felt things I never thought I could. I feel powerful. I have all this power inside of me, but I also feel weak. I feel uncertain and powerless and I don’t know how that can be. I’ve never felt like this before. It’s as if I’ve lost who I was, but I am here and I am existing. And right now, I feel like I can be something more.” He stopped to think. “But… how can I be more than Death? How can I see, feel, and experience more when I’ve already done it before? I feel like I have life… but I don’t and I can’t. Does that make any sense?”

A silence followed.

“You really have been thinking a lot, haven’t you?” Victor asked light-heartedly and Yuuri huffed out a laugh. “I can’t lie to you. I don’t understand what you’re feeling right now. I get when you say you feel powerful but weak. I’ve felt that before.”

Yuuri turned, his eyebrows dropped as he met Victor’s eyes. “You have?” He asked.

Victor nodded. “It was the night we met.” He said. Yuuri bit the inside of his cheek. He could feel nerves rushing through his chest. “I felt like that. I was on top of my career. I won my sixth Grand Prix and I felt like I was on top and amazing and… undefeatable. But I was also breakable. I felt so fragile. It was as if any moment I was about to shatter. And I nearly did.”

That night on the bridge. “But I appeared.”

Victor’s smile held sadness, but it was genuine and real. He kissed Yuuri softly and just above a whisper, he said, “You put me back together.”

And guilt struck Yuuri’s chest as he was reminded of the consequence. Everything Victor had gone through – all his breakdowns, his failure in his career, everything – was on Yuuri’s shoulders.

He didn’t feel guilty for saving Victor. He would do it a thousand more times if it meant Victor could continue to live and find his happiness. He felt guilty for the consequence. He felt guilty for ruining Victor’s career. His choice in saving Victor took something away from him. It took something that was so important that Yuuri feared Victor’s reaction if he ever knew that Yuuri had done more.

But as he stared at Victor’s healing soul, eyes falling on the shimmering brightness that seemed to take over the sorrow that held on with its final breath, he believed Victor might have finally found his peace. Victor may have accepted his career end and Yuuri had a choice to make.

He could either tell Victor about the consequence, letting him know it was him who effectively ruined his career for him. Or he could not.

“I believe it was fate that brought us together that night,” Victor said softly and Yuuri made the immediate decision to tell him. He deserved to know the truth. Victor deserved to know everything. He wasn’t going to say it now, but soon.

“Everyone has a fate,” Yuuri replied. “I wouldn’t be against it.”

“Do you think it was your fate too?” Victor asked. Yuuri wasn’t certain exactly what he meant. “Do you think it was your fate to find me that night and help me?”

Yuuri pondered the idea of himself having a fate. But as his mind reminded him of Victor’s fate, he wasn’t sure if he would want one. “I don’t think I have a fate,” Yuuri said, meeting Victor’s eyes. They held a sadness, as if he pitied Yuuri for not having a fate.

If only he knew…

“But you said everyone has a fate,” Victor said. Yuuri couldn’t disagree with that. He did speak those words. “That must include you, too.”

The more Yuuri thought about it, the more it made him want to laugh. Death himself with a fate... It seemed far-fetched. Yuuri wasn’t certain he could have a fate. A person’s fate was typically a fated death, and Yuuri being both Death himself _and_ immortal, it seemed impossible for him. If he had a fate, would it be his end?

But then Yuuri pondered the possibility of his fate _not_ being his end. His fate could have been something else – something far beyond his own self-awareness. He then had a thought. What if his fate was to save Victor that night and bring him a career ending consequence? Did his fate collide with Victor’s? Was his fate to develop human emotions?

He would have to think about that. But he knew he was certain of one thing.

“If fate chose me to find you that night, I will gladly accept it.”

Their time in France went by too fast that Victor had actually asked to stay a little while longer. Yuuri wasn’t sure if it was a good idea. Victor still had his therapy session the next day and as much as Victor liked traveling, Yuuri could see he was getting drained and worn down. They needed to get back to Russia at some point too. Victor’s life was there, not around the world. Their traveling had to end at some point.

They hadn’t seen everywhere in Europe but they saw enough to tell many stories and Victor ate so many new foods that he started to soften a little. Victor wanted to try and continue to another country but Yuuri could see that Victor was struggling to keep up. He was sleeping more from being so drained and tired and Yuuri knew it was time they went back home. Victor had protested but Yuuri reminded him that they still had time to do more traveling, and even years to come where they could go further than Europe.

They went back home. And this time, they stayed.

The three months they spent traveling had gone by in a flash and Yuuri couldn’t believe it. He was so unaware of time he never realized how fast it would move when he wasn’t looking. The seconds ticked by faster than he’d ever known. It definitely didn’t feel like three months had gone by.

They spent three months traveling and during those months, Yuuri learned a few new things about Victor’s soul.

The time they spent traveling was a break for him. It was a vacation for his soul, easing it into a relaxed state as it slowly recovered and healed. But it didn’t always heal. Yuuri noticed it would fluctuate. Some days it would shimmer and shine brightly through the cracks that widened and grew. The sorrow seemed to be the cracks now, looking like small faint lines of darkness that slithered between the shining white beneath it. On those days, Victor’s soul was happy and healing.

And on his bad days, the sorrow that still held on would grow, hiding away the shine like a cloud hiding the sun. The sorrow wasn’t a thick cloud anymore. It used to hide away his soul completely, covering it in a thick layer of sadness that ached and hurt. The sorrow didn’t have such a strong effect anymore. It was like a thin sheet that covered his soul. It would look dim and lifeless. But Yuuri knew it was the opposite. Yuuri knew his soul was fighting beneath that sorrow.

Victor’s soul had healed enough for Yuuri to be proud of it. However, he still couldn’t look deep into Victor’s soul. He had tried but it kept Yuuri out, keeping its doors locked and its walls high. But that didn’t matter much. Victor’s soul was recovering. It was healing and although he still had his bad days, they were better days than before.

His soul was breaking through the sorrow with ease and Yuuri suspected it was what influenced Victor to come to him one day after therapy with a sentence Yuuri didn’t expect to hear just yet.

“I want to tell you more about how Worlds made me feel,” He said as he stepped into their living room, staring at Yuuri with focused eyes. “Worlds did something to me that hurt more than the other competitions did.

Yuuri had been waiting for Victor to tell him. “I… expected you to tell me it soon,” Yuuri said. “You’ve been gradually telling me about Worlds since we started traveling, haven’t you?”

He noticed Victor was occasionally slipping in a sentence every now and then, mentioning Worlds and how he felt. And now Victor had mentioned it, he was certain it was Victor trying to open up to him.

“Yeah… I’m glad you noticed,” Victor said. “I spoke to Helen about it before we left. I wanted to tell you sooner but I just couldn’t, so she suggested to tell you in little bits every so often.” He then moved to sit by Yuuri on the couch. He held Yuuri’s hand in his own and squeezed it for reassurance. He took a deep breath. “But I want to finish what I want to say. Those were only small bits of what I really want to tell you.”

As Yuuri thought back to each time Victor mentioned it, he could guess how Victor felt and how hard it hit him. He wondered where Victor would go from there and if he felt worse than what Yuuri knew. He stayed silent and allowed Victor to continue.

“Worlds… hit me hard. It hit hard enough to leave a mark on me that even to this day, it still hurts. It hurts looking back and seeing how badly I failed and how I… felt.” He paused, needing to take a break. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. They then opened and when Victor met Yuuri’s eyes, he continued. “It hurt a lot, but now, I think maybe it was for the best.”

Yuuri felt his entire world come to a halt. He hadn’t expected that response from Victor. He hadn’t expected Victor to look at his career and accept its end. He couldn’t believe it. One thought went through Yuuri’s mind, and it was that Victor must have recovered more than he thought. If he had found a way to accept his career ending, he was a step closer to achieving even more.

Yuuri couldn’t hold back his smile. He was so proud of Victor’s progress.

“I’m still struggling to accept it. Don’t get me wrong, it would have still been great to have proceeded and achieved what I aimed for but… I’ve learned that not everything can go my way.” Victor paused there, unsure how to continue for a moment. “But… yeah. These past few months made me look at my life in a different view. And the world around me made me realize something. I don’t want to be a sad story. I don’t want to be looked at and pitied that I couldn’t make it. I can do more, can’t I? If I could make it as a figure skating legend, I could be the best damn figure skating teacher there is!”

Yuuri cradled Victor’s face in his hands, touching their foreheads together gently and said, “I’m so proud of you, Victor.”

Victor nodded. “Me too.” He smiled warmly and pulled back. “That time I spent away from here, I was able to look at my life and I realized, wow, I missed out on a lot.”

“I’m so happy, Victor,” Yuuri said, trying hard to contain his happiness.

“I do want to say that as much as I’ve found a way to see more positivity in my future, I’m still struggling,” Victor said as Yuuri’s hands moved from Victor’s face to lace behind his neck. “I’m still trying to understand myself and beat that false identity I have. But Helen said it could take a while. I’m also still hurt by those memories of Worlds and it will still haunt me for a while… but this is all progress, and that makes me feel confident that I can keep going.”

“You can get through this,” Yuuri said softly.

Yuuri moved Victor close to kiss him. He couldn’t contain himself. He was so proud of Victor and he was so pleased Victor had found a way through. Victor had broken through, finding a way to see the positive of his career end and enjoying his life.

Victor found his life outside of skating. And Yuuri was so, _so_ proud of him.

“What does Helen think about your progress?” Yuuri asked. He recalled one of Victor’s goal being him tackling his false identity and accepting who he was outside of skating. He was curious if Helen agreed Victor was making progress.

“She’s proud that I found a way to see the positive outside of my skating. She think’s I’ve achieved that part of the goal,” Victor began. “But the false identity is something I’m struggling to achieve. I don’t see myself as nothing but just a figure skater anymore. I see myself as more. I see myself as your lover and a friend to others. I see myself as someone who can inspire and teach. I am more than just my skating. I wish I knew that sooner. But Helen doesn’t think I’ve accepted… me, yet. She thinks I’m still struggling to look at myself and like who I am. I don’t hate myself as much as I used to, but there’s still a small part of me that hates myself for the way worlds ended. And some days, I might hate myself for so many other reasons but… Worlds is still something that makes me hate myself. But it happened and I have no control over that.”

 _I should tell him_ , Yuuri thought to himself. If any day was right for Yuuri to tell Victor of his consequence, it was today. Victor had opened up to Yuuri and Yuuri wanted to do so too. He was certain Victor would be able to handle the truth. Victor would understand Yuuri’s side of it.

He wanted to tell him.

But then he found himself doing the exact same thing that he did when trying to tell Victor he was Death. He was avoiding it, unable to find the words to say and a day had gone by and Yuuri still hadn’t uttered a word. He didn’t even know how he was going to tell Victor now.

He promised to himself that he would tell Victor the next day but just as he was planning how to say it, Yuri had paid the two a visit after finding out they were back from their vacation, demanding to see the souvenirs they brought. Yuuri changed his mind. He would tell Victor on a day where they were undisturbed and had free time.

Then a week went by and Yuuri wanted to slap himself across the face. He wanted to tell himself to find the guts and just tell Victor the truth. He was a little scared – the slight fear of Victor not handling it well had him hesitate, but it wasn’t a good enough excuse. He had to tell Victor. He was going to tell him.

Victor deserved to know.

“You deserve to know,” Yuuri said one day without realizing. He blinked, startled by the words that fell from his mouth. Victor turned his eyes away from the movie and glanced up at him, brow raised with a question. Yuuri took a deep breath. It was time. “Victor. I have something I want to tell you.”

Victor moved back from his seat, staring at Yuuri with confused and concerned eyes. “What is it?”

Yuuri swallowed hard. Victor would understand. He was certain of it. “… That night I saved you… I did something.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a couple of things I would like to say:
> 
> \- The most important first. There's [fan art!!!](http://missbellatrix.tumblr.com/post/164543272649/a-change-of-fate-by-axlaida-a-fan-art-for-this) This was done by the amazing [missbellatrix!](http://missbellatrix.tumblr.com) Please be sure to send so much love and reblogs for this beautiful piece of art! It's absolutely fantastic and I love it so much! ♡〜٩(^▿^)۶〜♡
> 
> \- Wow, that was the biggest jump of time I've done so far. Three months worth in one chapter. I hope it didn't feel too rushed! I felt having more chapters of their travel would be too much and more waiting around for a plot to develop. But either way, It's written and we have an interesting chapter ahead of us!
> 
> \- And speaking of said chapter, I won't be able to upload until Sunday! It'll be a day later than planned, which I apologize for, but I have a busy day Saturday and I know I won't be able to get it up in time. I hope that isn't too much of a bother! (I'm also hoping for the chapter to be another long one, so hopefully, that'll make up for it being late!)
> 
> Thank you!! <3


	31. Chapter 31

  

_“… That night I saved you… I did something.”_

 

Victor’s eyes held uncertainty. They never left Yuuri as Victor turned to face him completely. “I won’t lie, Yuuri, but I’m a little… worried.”

Yuuri was too. He was worried and scared, but he felt confident that Victor would be okay. He took a look into his soul with a desperate need to keep an eye on it. It was shining bright, the polar-white ball gleamed and glittered like a beacon of life. He let out a breath. Victor would be fine. Victor would be okay.

“I wanted to tell you this sooner but…” He paused. Finding the right words felt impossible. But Yuuri wasn’t very good at explaining things, so he found. “I just found myself coming up with excuses not to tell you and it’s stupid and I should but…”

Victor held his stare with a raised brow. “…but?”

He already had his toe in the water. He might as well jump right in. “Victor, that night when I saved you, I caused something to happen to you. And it’s all my fault.”

“Yuuri, I don’t understand,” Victor said, his brows dropped heavily.

Yuuri took a deep breath and tried again. “Victor, you were supposed to die that night.”

Victor’s eyes widened, a small gasp escaped his lips. He blinked, startled by Yuuri’s words as disbelief swam through him, and the only word he could utter was a weak, “…What?”

“That night I saved you - when you were standing on that bridge, you were supposed to die,” Yuuri said. He watched Victor as his gaze dropped, staring wide eyed at the ground. “It was your fate to die that night. And I – I changed it. I shouldn’t have. I wasn’t supposed to change it, but I did.”

Victor blinked as he glanced up and met Yuuri’s eyes. “Yuuri, so what if you changed my fate,” He said with a smile. Yuuri couldn’t help but sigh. He wasn’t explaining it properly. “You saved my life and that’s all that matters. And I thank you for doing that.”

Yuuri could leave the conversation as it is and live the rest of his days with Victor with a growing guilt slowly eating away at him. It was the positive reaction he was hoping for. Victor had thanked Yuuri for saving him and it was all Yuuri could have hoped for. But he wasn’t finished explaining himself. He hadn’t even mentioned the consequence yet.

He could leave it there, but Victor deserved the full truth.

“No – Victor, you – you need to know everything,” Yuuri said.

“There’s more?” Victor asked. Yuuri nodded. “Then explain it to me, please.”

How Yuuri was going to continue on from there, he did not know. Victor needed to know about the consequence and Yuuri didn’t know how to bring it up properly. Yuuri did what he knew he could do and as he took a deep breath, he let his mind do the talking for him.

"My time spent with you has been the best time of my existence,” Yuuri began and wondered why he began with that. But the warm smile on Victor’s face was worth seeing. “You helped me discover so much about myself and you made me feel like I have more of a reason to exist in this world.”

“ _Yuuri_ ,” Victor said softly.

“But… Victor, think about this for me, please. You were supposed to die and what was it that happened to you after I saved you?” Victor was silent, staring intently at the floor as he put his mind to work. There was a pause that caused a nerve-wracking tug in Yuuri’s chest. Victor was thinking hard about it and then suddenly, he wasn’t. He slowly turned his head, staring at Yuuri with wide eyes that held disbelief. He figured it out.

Victor was unreadable and the sudden rush of guilt tore through Yuuri like a knife. It was all his fault. Everything that happened to Victor was all because of him. And while he hoped Victor was just startled into a shocked silence, he suspected that wasn’t the case. He didn’t dare look into Victor’s soul.

“I’m sorry, Victor,” Yuuri broke his gaze away, bowing his head with shame. “I’m sorry, but I’m not good at being human. It’s my fault. It’s all my fault. You had to die that night. You needed to and I changed that. And when I changed it, it retaliated. It caused a consequence and it – it aimed for your skating.”

Victor’s silence sent a fearful shiver down Yuuri’s spine and he had to look up. Victor stared at Yuuri like a stranger. His face held not a single emotion, unmoving to even the slightest twitch. Yuuri took a deep breath and in the mix of his nerves and fear, he found the courage to reach forward and take Victor’s hands into his own.

“I don’t ever regret saving you, Victor. I won’t ever let you fall to such a horrible fate like that but I couldn’t… I didn’t know how to stop the consequence and all I wanted was for you to be happy.” Yuuri became aware of the lack of grip Victor returned and Yuuri feared the worse. Victor needed to hear the truth and with closed eyes and a deep sigh, he forced himself to continue. “I know that sometimes I didn’t understand what I was doing or why I did it, but all I knew was that I wanted to help you and protect you. I need you to know that, Victor. Please. I couldn’t keep it to myself any longer. You deserved to know.”

There was a long silence and his nerves repeatedly stabbed at his insides, making his hands shake and his mind race. With each second that ticked by, Yuuri’s chest tugged harder and harder, pulling with no signs of slowing down until Victor opened his mouth and everything stopped.

“You… knew all this time?”

Trust was easy to break and Yuuri feared he did more than just break it – he shattered it. “Yes. I – I knew me saving you would cause a consequence.” There was a hopeful thought inside Yuuri’s mind that wondered maybe the conversation would turn out for the better. “And I knew it targeted your career too. I – I wanted to stop it but I –”

“But all this time… You – you were the reason I failed?” Victor breathed in a harsh breath, tearing his gaze to the floor. Yuuri reached out but Victor stormed to his feet, eyes frantically searching the area around him for something to distract him. “You – you knew. All this time you knew and you never told me?” He spun on his heel. His face was red with rage and his words hit harder than a punch. “You _knew_?!”

Yuuri stood to his feet, keeping his eyes on Victor. Victor's trembling hands weaved through his hair as he paced the room for a moment. Yuuri needed to calm him down but he didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t lie to Victor to make things better. He needed to hear the truth.

Victor's hands dropped in an instant as he pointed an accusing finger towards Yuuri. “You knew all this time!” Victor was shouting at him now. “You – You watched me fail. You watched me suffer through my own career failure and YOU were the one who caused it?!”

This wasn’t how Yuuri wanted it to go, but he would be lying if he said he didn’t expect this reaction. He feared the conversation turning this way. He just wished it hadn’t. “Victor, I’m sorry.” Yuuri sounded like he was choking as he tried fighting back his tears. Now was not the time to cry. “I – I wanted – I tried helping you. I don’t regret saving you that night, I just wish –”

“Maybe you should have.”

The words that flew from Victor’s mouth were words Yuuri didn’t want him to think, let alone say out loud. Yuuri stepped back as his stomach plummeted. He knew instantly from the look in Victor’s eyes that he didn’t mean for those words to be so harsh, but they still hurt.

Yuuri couldn’t form words. All he could do was shake his head. “Victor, don’t – don’t…”

“I don’t want to die, Yuuri. I really don’t. But… maybe you should have just let my fate be instead of forcing me through even more suffering.” Victor turned his back to Yuuri and took a deep breath. “That would have been the more humane thing, don’t you think?”

Although Yuuri wasn’t human, he didn’t feel that was humane. He felt it was cruel if he left Victor’s fate to be as it was. But he couldn’t help but ask himself if keeping this from Victor was cruel too. “You didn’t deserve anything that happened to you.”

Victor let out a bitter laugh, ignoring Yuuri’s words as he glanced over his shoulder. “But of course, you’re not human, are you? You wouldn’t understand.” Victor’s words were hurting and as much as they were making Yuuri angrier with each word, he took all the courage he had to suppress it. Victor was looking for an argument – looking for a way to release his anger. But Yuuri wouldn’t give it to him. Victor turned around, his eyes meeting with Yuuri’s once again. “I never expected you to have put me through that. And the fact that you knew – that you watched me, it – it –”

“I wanted to tell you.”

“Then why didn’t you?!” The roar of Victor’s voice made Yuuri jolt with a startled jump. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

Yuuri had so many – too many reasons why he didn’t, but they were all nothing but excuses. “I just – I didn’t know what I was doing at first, okay?” He sighed hard, staring down at his hands that were playing with his fingers. “But the longer I waited, the less I thought about it. It just… didn’t seem like the right time to tell you.”

“That doesn’t make any sense. That’s stupid,” Victor said scowling hard. Each word felt like a jab at Yuuri’s chest – like being stung by a jellyfish. He was trying to explain himself but he couldn’t help but feel like Victor was dismissing his words. “You may not understand how humans work but surely along the line, you must have realized that it would have been better for me to know? You must have realized that keeping that a secret from me would – would destroy me the longer you waited.”

Yuuri gritted his teeth as his last resort to remain silent. He could feel something churning inside him, like an acid – burning, boiling, hurting. He was trying hard. He was trying so hard to understand what he didn’t know and Victor’s spiteful words felt like nothing but a repetitive smack over the head. He was trying. The past eight months Yuuri had spent helping Victor felt like he had been wasting his time. Victor didn’t seem to acknowledge anything Yuuri did for him and that seemed to sting the most.

“Victor –”

“I feel so betrayed, Yuuri,” Victor said as he turned on his heel, pacing the room for a moment. He came to a sudden stop when his head fell in his hands, letting out a loud groan in complaint. “I feel like – like I was a puppet in your eyes.”

Yuuri exhaled harshly. It wasn’t like that at all and the fact Victor thought that didn’t just hurt him, it made Yuuri feel like a balloon waiting to burst. All it would take was one single prick and he would be gone.

“I feel like you changed my story and forced me along a path I wasn’t supposed to take and for what?” Victor spat and Yuuri broke his gaze, preferring to focus his stare on the ground. “To watch me suffer with it? To be an experiment in your little game called life? Is that all I was to you? An experiment? All because I was someone who was stupid enough to rely on you and fall for you when I was so vulnerable?”

He knew the tension between them was high and that he should use love instead of anger, but Yuuri found it wasn’t that easy to control his emotions. The balloon had burst and Yuuri was in fury. He stormed forward, his feet hitting the floor with force as his hands surged forward, grabbing Victor’s arms with a little more strength than was needed as he spat, “Don’t you dare say that!”

“Don’t touch me.” Just those few words nearly brought a tear to Yuuri’s eyes, but with his raging anger, it seemed to suppress it.

“Don’t you dare think that everything I did for you was just some game.” Yuuri kept his eyes steady. He wanted Victor to read him the way he read Victor. He wanted Victor to see every vulnerable emotion he had to show. “I didn’t know what I was doing when I first saved you, I can admit that. But everything from that moment on, I did because I wanted nothing more than to see you get better. You just… existing made me want to make my own choices and I made a choice that night. I made a choice to save you and stay with you because I knew that you were going to suffer with a consequence and I wanted to make it as easy for you as I could.”

Victor exploded. “But you just stood there and watched me!”

“I stood there and I helped you, Victor!” Yuuri’s voice rose above the thick silence. “I didn’t spend all those mornings lying with you when you had a bad day because I was ‘experimenting’. I didn’t stop you from killing yourself twice because I was just playing around with your life. I didn’t suggest telling you to go to therapy because I didn’t care. I did all of that so you didn’t have to do it by yourself. I could have just left you after I saved you, Victor. I could have talked you off that bridge and left you all alone but guess what. I didn’t. I tried so hard, Victor. Don’t – don’t dismiss the help I gave you.”

“I’m not dismissing it.” Victor’s voice had settled but there was still a cold tone to it. “I just… feel like it was a lie.”

Yuuri shook his head. “It was never like that.”

“Then what was it?” Victor questioned – a brow raised with demand. “You said it yourself when you first saved me you didn’t know what you were doing. What was that?”

Yuuri let go of Victor’s arms, dropping his hands, and kept them close to his chest. “I don’t know.”

Victor stayed rooted on the spot. “That’s what I’m struggling to understand.” The breeze from the window moved Victor’s hair softly away from his eyes. It was such a peaceful act amongst the grief and anger. “Why did you do everything when you didn’t know why you started it?”

Another fuse had burst – one that had been building for some time now. And with a cry of rage, Yuuri replied, “Because I don’t know everything!” The word flew from his mouth and he was unable to stop. “I don’t know why I saved you. I didn’t know why I continued to stay by your side but it became clearer to me the longer I spent with you. I care about you and I love you. That’s why I stayed with you. And – and that isn’t even everything! I’ve been told that I’ve forgotten something and I’m searching for it but I don’t know what! I’ve been searching and looking and I’m even more confused than I was before! And the only thing I can think of is that it’s all related to you.” Victor’s eyes widened with surprise. “I feel like you’re involved somewhere along my life but I don’t know anything Victor and it’s driving me insane!”

Victor’s brows dropped. He narrowed his eyes as his mouth fell open and closed, hesitating to speak. “Was… was that why you bothered talking to me that night?” He questioned, head tilted to the side. “So you could try and work out your answers?”

Yuuri frantically shook his head. “No. No, no, no, no. Not at all.” If they had the time, Yuuri could say a million reasons why that was wrong. “I can’t tell you why I saved you. The only thing I can think of is that connection I felt, but I can’t explain that. I have no way of explaining it.”

Yuuri should inject love, not anger. Anger always broke things and he didn’t want to break this. “But what I know is that I fell in love with you, Victor. I fell in love with you and only you.” His eyes softened – his voice calmed. “These questions, they were spoken to me after I met you. Your soul was just roped into this unwillingly and I don’t know why. I can’t see what life you lived before this one because you won’t let me in. I wish you would but you can’t force a soul to reveal everything. Only in death will it do that. It’s your past life, I don’t remember and you are the only soul who has a past that I don’t remember. Do you understand the grand scale of that? In the infinite Universe, you’re the only soul who’s a mystery to me.”

Yuuri hoped his peace was enough to calm Victor too. Instead, he huffed and said, “So, I’m just this special soul to you then?” Yuuri felt his chest sink. “I’m just this special story in your life and once you’ve discovered it, what will you do then?”

“I will still be here.” Yuuri didn’t doubt that thought for a second. He would always be here for Victor – even if he didn’t ask for it. “You are more to me than just your soul. I didn’t fall in love with it. I fell in love with you. It’s just… I don’t know why it’s your soul or why it’s your souls past life that I can’t remember but that’s just how it is. I can’t control that. But you’re not involved. It’s not you, Victor.”

There was a silence that gave Yuuri the smallest ounce of hope that maybe Victor had calmed down. That maybe his anger had subsided and he was thinking about everything. But then Victor crossed his arms, tore his gaze away from Yuuri, and mumbled as he stared at the ground, “I feel like some pawn in a game.”

“I wish you didn’t.”

Victor’s fuse went out. “Well, I’m human, Yuuri. I’m not some being that has powers only a God could hold. I’m a plain, simple human with emotions and needs.”

Yuuri knew that. He understood that. He knew Victor couldn’t control the way he felt but it didn’t give Yuuri the reassurance he needed to ease the heartbreaking ache inside his chest. He didn’t like this. He didn’t like how much love could hurt – how it could tear and break a soul into two.

“And maybe it was best that we didn’t end up together,” Victor’s voice was shaking. He didn’t meet Yuuri’s eyes. “Maybe that was why my fate was to die – so we didn’t meet.”

Yuuri’s whole body came to an instant stop. Everything hit him all at once – what Victor had said, the anger, and the sudden realization. Victor had a reason to die that night. That reason was unknown to Yuuri for so long and in the middle of their argument, Victor helped him find that reason. It was so he and Yuuri didn’t meet. The Universe fated his death so they didn’t meet in person. And an instant rage built inside Yuuri once again. The Universe had a lot to answer for. Victor’s soul didn’t just hold the answers anymore. The Universe had the answers too, and Yuuri was going to demand them.

But then Victor’s words repeated in his mind and he came crashing back. “Wait, what do you mean by that?” He asked, his voice shaking as his eyes met Victor’s. “You… You don’t want to…” He gulped down his sob, trying to keep his composure.

“I’ve been looking back at my end recently and wondering why I wanted it, but I guess that was what fate wanted me to feel.” Victor stayed rooted on the spot but his gaze fell to the floor. He then spoke with a voice that tried to hide, but Yuuri would hear every tremble and croak. “But I can’t… I can’t look at you right now. I can’t lie by your side and not think about how you just watched the most important thing get ripped away from me and put me through so much misery. And the fact it was caused by the person who I loved the most… I wanted to try so hard to get my career back and finish it the way I wanted to, but I couldn’t and it was because of you. I’m so angry at you, Yuuri. I – I need to think about this.”

“Victor, please.” Yuuri’s hand reached out. As his fingertips touched Victor’s shoulder, he tore his arm away, stepping away from Yuuri.

“Don’t! Don’t touch me. Don’t – don’t even look at me.” Yuuri retracted his arm back in an instant. Victor kept his eyes away from Yuuri, unable to meet. “You’ve – you’ve given me so many months of my life, but you’ve taken them away too. And I’ll never get those back. I feel so disappointed and betrayed and… angry with you. I can’t… I just can’t.”

“Victor…” Yuuri gulped back his sob. He wasn’t going to cry. He wasn’t.

“I’m sorry, Yuuri. I – I can’t.” Victor’s own voice was shaking. He was hiding his own tears from Yuuri as he kept his back turned and his head bowed. “I need to be alone for a while. I need to just… get myself away from you. I just need to think about us and what… to do. I’m sorry, Yuuri.”

“Victor, please,” Yuuri begged through his tears as a sob broke free from his lips. “Victor, don’t leave me. I – I –”

Suddenly Victor’s hands were on Yuuri’s cheeks, cradling his head. Yuuri met Victor’s gaze and noticed Victor’s own tears flowing down his face. His thumb softly stroked away Yuuri’s tears and in the moment, Yuuri felt everything was going to be okay.

“Yuuri, I am not leaving you, okay? If you think this is a break-up, that isn't happening right now.” It was nothing but a relief for Yuuri to hear but it did little to stop him wanting to erase the mistake he made and start fresh. “I can't do that now. I can't make that choice because if I did and I... I don't want to make that choice and lose another thing in my life. I’m just asking for some time apart so I can think. Please. I still love you. Don’t get me wrong, I still love so much about you. I just don’t love that secretive side of you. That… I want you to think about too. Please. I know you tried to make it better for me but I just wished you… I wished you told me.”

Yuuri could think about it. He would. From that moment on, he would never keep a secret from Victor. If secrets were what lead to heartbreaking arguments, it wasn’t worth it. Yuuri squeezed his eyes shut and nodded. He would do anything to bring back what they had.

And then they kissed – their final kiss. It was slow and sweet but desperation made it linger longer than any other. Yuuri wanted to remember Victor’s soft lips and the feel of them against his own. He wanted to remember the way Victor felt – his warmth and the softness of his skin. And Yuuri’s chest ached with grief. It almost seemed like they would never kiss again but the reality was that he didn’t know. Victor could make the choice to never want to see Yuuri again, or he could ask for Yuuri back.

The time Yuuri would have to wait would be heart-achingly long. But if it helped Victor find his own answers, Yuuri would give him all the time he needed.

They pulled apart and Victor took a shaky, shallow breath. They forced themselves not to give in for another. Yuuri wanted nothing more than to stay close to Victor – to touch him and kiss him in the ways he discovered he wanted.

“I love you,” Yuuri whispered. At least he would leave with words of love in Victor’s ears.

Victor’s touch lingered on Yuuri’s skin as he pulled away. The aching need to be back in his arms became too real. He needed Victor, in more ways than he ever imagined. But Victor needed time. He needed space.

“Go. Just go.”

Yuuri made a promise to always be by Victor’s side. Whether that was in age, or time apart, Yuuri would always be there. He would never give up on Victor, but for the first time since they had met, Yuuri did what he never wanted to do.

He left.

 

* * *

 

 

There came a time in between Yuuri’s absence from Victor that he had a burning rage still building deep inside. It wasn’t towards Victor. It was towards the one who had caused him more despair than good. And Yuuri had a lot to say.

He traveled to the silent hills up in Canada, back where he once fell into the abyss to demand the Universe to speak. The silence and peace of nature up on those hills granted Yuuri the ease to call upon the Universe with an easier demand. And he had many demands for the Universe.

Yuuri breathed in hard as he stared up at the bright blue sky. Not a cloud was in sight. The Universe had a lot to answer for. It had a lot to speak about.

“You better listen to me and you listen good,” Yuuri began, throwing a finger towards the sky. He didn’t necessarily need to point to the sky but it felt right to stare up at the sky above. It was where the Universe rested after all. “I – I know why Victor needed to die. I know why his fate was to end that night. It was because we weren’t supposed to meet, wasn’t it?”

Yuuri fell silent, waiting to hear the soft whispers or feel the heavy aura around him. But the longer he waited, the more the silence became unbearable.

“Don’t be such a coward,” Yuuri snapped. He’s had enough. “Get down here and talk to me. I need you to just listen to me and realize how cruel and – and how fucked up this is.”

Yuuri didn’t like to swear but when he did, he did it only to let out the littlest bit of anger he struggled to keep back. He became more aware of the silence than he did before – the eternal nothing of noise that was non-existent in his ears and it was more than just unbearable. It was agonizing.

“If you don’t come down here, I’ll go up there and I will find you.” He didn’t mean to make threats but he felt he had no other choice. The Universe wouldn’t feel fear towards it so Yuuri felt it was justified. “You’re everywhere. It won’t be that hard to find you. I swear down, I will hunt you until your end if that meant telling you how much I –”

“It was what was meant to be.”

Yuuri spun, his eyes falling on a figure that stood in the distance. He stepped forward, the light crunch of the snow beneath his feet slowly faded as he passed over from life to the in between of it and death. He stopped when he came close and who Yuuri saw was not human. It held the body of a human, but the endless void in their eyes gave Yuuri the muted answer that the Universe was standing in front of him.

And Yuuri struggled to find his anger. Now the Universe was here, watching and waiting for Yuuri to speak, he was reluctant to. But Yuuri wasn’t going to succumb to his fear. He called the Universe here for a reason. And Yuuri was going to express himself – fear or not, he had words to say.

“No. Shut up. That’s a pathetic excuse.” Yuuri would admit that wasn’t the best start but he couldn’t take back those words. He didn’t want to. “You made his fate to end that way so we didn’t meet. It wasn’t what was meant to be, it was so you could… I don’t even know why you would do this.”

It didn’t make any sense. He couldn’t understand how him meeting Victor was so wrong to the Universe. There was a reason. There was always a reason. “Tell me, it because I was going to learn a sense of humanity? That I was going to fall in love with him? Come on, tell me!”

“Yes,” The Universe replied with a single nod.

“…What?”

“I really hadn’t expected you to discover this so soon,” They spoke as they took a step forward. “You are full of surprises.”

“You did all this just so I didn’t… you knew we were going to get together and you didn’t want that?” Yuuri tried to make sense of it but his mind wasn’t working. Everything felt muffled, unable to form logic or sentences. He didn’t understand. “Why?”

“Death, you have a very important role in this Universe. You were made to guide, not fall in… what is it you called it, Love?” Yuuri nodded and the Universe continued. “Yes, well. I knew you were going to connect with that human and when that were to happen, you were going to become reckless and disobedient. And I was right.”

“How – How did you know?” Yuuri asked. He was desperate for answers. This was too much.

“I know all. You underestimate my power, sometimes,” They replied. Yuuri crossed his arms, tearing his gaze to the snowy ground. “I was hoping that when he died, one of your forms would deal with him. But it seems I cannot predict you. I didn’t take notice of you following him. So, I tried getting rid of the problem before it became one.”

Victor was nothing but a problem to the Universe and it brought back the burning rage that was growing inside. But Yuuri couldn’t speak. He couldn’t think or feel. All he could do was murmur, “You… you…”

“It was for your own good, Death.” Yuuri didn’t believe that for a second. “You have had your head in the clouds. Falling for a human was not what was supposed to happen. I didn’t think it was possible for you to do so but it seems I was wrong. It seems there’s more to this than meets the eye.”

The moment Yuuri began to question yet another thing the Universe told him, he tore himself away from the question. “Don’t confuse this with more questions!” Yuuri yelled, his voice that would have echoed if he were visible remained between himself and the Universe. “You know everything. You know why we weren't supposed to meet. You know what I am looking for and what I have forgotten. Why do you want to keep this from me? Why can’t you just tell me.”

“There is a reason.”

Yuuri exploded. “Then tell me!”

The Universe didn’t flinch against the rise in Yuuri’s voice. There wasn’t a single jolt or twitch. It seemed to make Yuuri feel angrier. He wanted a reaction. He wanted to see emotion. “Some things are best when you find them out for yourself.”

Yuuri’s patience had snapped. “No.” He fumed. He had enough. He was going to get his answers. “No, I have had enough of all these secrets and confusion. I have made no progress in figuring out these answers and – and it’s driving me insane!” Yuuri had never felt a more desperate need to scream before. He didn’t know why, but he felt it would make himself feel better. “I just need to know! And these lessons, do they even mean anything?”

He began to doubt they meant anything to Yuuri other than to keep his mind occupied on something. The Universe gave a smile – one that seemed to just stretch across their face for the sake of giving one. It was a pitiful attempt. “Of course, they did. And you have discovered more than you think.”

Yuuri rolled his eyes. “Oh, enlighten me.”

“You know what you don’t remember is that human’s first life. And you have an idea on what you are searching for, am I right?” Yuuri didn’t want to admit anything. Instead, he crossed his arms and huffed. He wasn’t going to respond. “You’ve discovered why you’ve changed and why that human had to die. There is only very little for you to discover now.”

Yuuri shook his head. “It certainly doesn’t feel little.”

“Because it’s the biggest mystery,” The Universe replied and Yuuri forced his words back because of course it was bigger. “That human’s past and what you are searching for, they will connect. They will tie together and answer… almost everything.

Almost everything wasn’t good enough. Yuuri wanted all the answers. In his entire existence, he had never been this confused and uncertain before. It was mind breaking. It was agonizingly painful. The wait of finding an answer he wasn’t sure he could find felt like nothing but a dead end and a pointless challenge.

But he was close to his answers and he couldn’t give up now. Yuuri found a question to ask. “When you decided Victor’s fate, did you even have these questions in mind?”

“These questions did not exist when I planned that humans fate,” The Universe replied with a shake of their head. “They came to me after you changed it.”

There was a lot that the Universe said which Yuuri didn’t understand. The lessons didn’t exist before the fate, only after when he changed it, and Yuuri wondered why that could be. “Why after I changed it?”

The Universe took another step forward, coming face to face with Death. Of all the lives that existed, the Universe was the only one that stood above him. The Universe felt like nothing but a sense of authority.

“Because I am trying to help you discover why you changed his fate in the first place.”

Yuuri couldn’t help but take a deep sigh. The conversation felt like it was going nowhere in answering his demanded questions. “But you were against us meeting,” Yuuri pointed out and the Universe gave a nod. “Then I don’t understand why you are helping us… stay together?”

“I am not helping you stay with him,” The Universe replied, shaking their head. “I’m trying to help you understand why you changed it. My original plan was to end his life before you got to him. But instead, you followed him around like a lost puppy, desperate to find out why you felt something for the first time.”

Yuuri’s eyebrows dropped as he crossed his arms, a huff escaped his lips. “Don’t be so cruel.”

“I am not. I am simply stating a fact.”

“A fact or not, you’re being cruel,” Yuuri replied. He wasn’t going to let the Universe speak whatever words it wished to Yuuri. He wasn’t going to be walked all over by something bigger than him – not anymore. “You planned for Victor to die so we didn’t meet – so I didn’t learn humanity and fall in love with him. But it doesn’t make sense why you would decide to help me after we did meet.”

The Universe didn’t reply and Yuuri’s first thoughts were, I’ve got you. “You did it so I wouldn’t leave, didn’t you?”

“It matters not to me if you leave,” The Universe straightened it’s back. “I have no emotional attachment to you. You are nothing but a guide. You guide things I cannot understand.”

Yuuri didn’t expect those words to hurt as much as they did. They sent a jab through his chest, leaving an ache that didn’t seem to stop. “I’ve dedicated many decades to you and that is all you see me as. I’m just a guide. Not even the slightest attachment to me?”

“I think you forget that I cannot feel. I cannot emote. I hold no sense of attachment.” Yuuri let out a sigh. He was certain that was his human emotions coming into play. He wouldn’t have asked for that before. “And you should too,” The Universe added and Yuuri held his stare. “You’ve clearly abandoned who you are. You hardly guide anymore. You only see to whatever thing needs your help and then you go running back to your human.”

Yuuri’s mind raced. “Those things are souls. They are your children. They are apart of you and you have no right to treat them the way you have.” The Universe stayed still, unresponsive to Yuuri’s words. “I know you don’t feel or understand emotions, but you have to understand that some things you’ve done are cruel.”

The Universe tilted their head to the side and Yuuri guessed it to replicate a raised brow – just it was done wrong. “But was it me who influenced them to go into war? Was it me who told a human to murder another?” The Universe paused waiting for an answer. Yuuri gave none. “I only choose their end, Death. Why would I care about what a human does in their lifetime? I care not about life, love, or war. What matters to me is their end and moving life on – progressing worlds until their inevitable end.”

He understood that. Death was vital to life. It was needed to keep the Universe moving at a steady pace – to make its end peaceful but quick. Every choice Yuuri made as Death was for the Universes end. The more chaotic Yuuri is, the harsher its end would be. And the Universe wanted a peaceful, fast end.

Where there is death, there is always life, too. In the Universes death, it wants to recreate.

Yuuri just couldn’t see how saving one single soul from its fate could cause such a catastrophic end. He understood he shouldn’t have done it, but one soul couldn’t hurt. “That human needed to die that night.” Yuuri kept his gaze to the ground. “You’ve gotten lost. You’ve delved too far into something that you shouldn’t understand. You left your purpose. Do you understand now why I needed to end his life?”

“You need me,” Yuuri answered, raising his head to meet the eyes that held a void. “You did it so I didn’t turn my back on you. But… I can’t understand how his soul had such an effect on you that you needed to end it.”

The Universe shook their head. “Not me. It held no effect on me. It was merely a small itch I could ignore. It held an effect on you.”

And it was all back on Yuuri again. His choice, his actions, everything.

“I won’t ever abandon Victor,” Yuuri stated firmly. “If I had to choose between my role in life and Victor, he would be my choice without a single shred of doubt.”

“But can you be certain he won’t abandon you?” The Universe questioned and Yuuri didn’t hesitate to answer.

“As long as he still loves me, I will be okay.”

Yuuri then let out a sigh. The conversation was about as useful to him as eating was. It was completely pointless and he should have known it wasn’t going to go anywhere. With a heavy ache in his chest, he turned on his heel, ready to leave. “It was all right in front of you,” Yuuri heard the Universe say and he paused. “The answer to your questions. It was all there.”

Was. Key word. Yuuri held no more doubt. “It’s inside Victor’s soul, isn’t it?”

“Yes.”

Yuuri turned. “It’s his past that I’ve forgotten.”

“Yes.”

“And what I’m searching for… It’s who Victor really is. That part of himself that he doesn’t like, right?”

“No.”

“It’s – wait, what?” Yuuri didn’t expect that.

The Universe shook their head. “You’re searching for something inside his soul. You just have to dig further.”

Yuuri let out a sigh. If only it was that simple. “But I can’t. He won’t let me see.” And he definitely wouldn’t now. “I just… I have no idea what it is I’m searching for. I don’t ask for much. I’ve never asked for much but please, tell me the answer to something. I need at least one thing answered. I need help.”

The Universe held their head high, looking down at Yuuri with a blank stare. It was always blank as the Universe didn’t know how to show emotion. Yet their silence was what gave Yuuri an answer to his question.

The Universe wasn’t going to tell him anything.

He needed to try again. He can’t give up now. “Just one thing to help me. Please.” He begged. He decided that yelling wasn't going to get him anywhere, but perhaps using manners would. “I’m desperate to know something. It – it’s killing me that I don’t know. And that I might never know. Please, just – just one thing. Please?”

A silence hung in the air and Yuuri sighed. He should have known it would be a dead end, begging and pleading for an answer or hint. And with a heavy heart full of disappointment and grief, Yuuri decided that he should just leave. He turned on his heel, eyes staring towards the veil between now and life. He walked forward.

“What is inside that human’s soul has nothing to do with a life he lived,” The Universe spoke and Yuuri came to a halt. “Because he never did live a life.”

Yuuri couldn’t move for a moment. Then he slowly turned, his eyes meeting the Universe as he muttered, “…What?”

“It has nothing to do with a past life because he’s never lived a past life,” The Universe repeated. Yuuri could only stare with unblinking eyes and a mind that focused on only their words. “This is his first life, Death. You’ve made a mistake.”

Yuuri turned to face them completely. “He – I – what?” He couldn’t believe it. There was no way Victor was on is his first life. “But – but that doesn’t – is that why I couldn’t see into his past life? Because he never had one?”

“Yes,” The Universe nodded.

And once again, nothing made sense to him anymore. Victor blocked him out, which was why he couldn’t see into any past lives he may have lived. But if he had seen it, he would have known that by now. It still didn’t make sense to Yuuri why Victor kept his soul closed off. But what really didn’t make sense was why he could sense a first life inside Victor when he never lived one. He could feel another life inside of him.

If Victor didn’t have a first life, Yuuri wouldn’t feel it. The Universe had to be lying to him – or Yuuri really had gotten disconnected from his role more than he thought.

“That doesn’t make any sense,” Yuuri said, blinking rapidly at his own thoughts. “Why – why would I think that? Why would I sense a first life if he never had a first life?”

“He had a long existence before he lived this one,” The Universe informed. “You’ve simply mistaken that existence for a first life.”

He saw the faded gleam of the cosmos grow from the Universes eyes and Yuuri only had a second to react, yelling out, “Wait –!” but the Universe had disappeared.

And the silence returned like a sharp knife.

The heaviness in the air was thick with tension, even after the Universes departure. And as Yuuri looked around the mountain top, alone and in silence, he could feel more than just a burning rage inside him, but more confusion that buried deep inside his mind.

Yuuri moved from his spot, back into life. The world disrupted the silence, but it wasn’t enough. He sat on a boulder that made its home on that mountain top and as Yuuri looked around, taking in the scenic white of the snowy environment, he never realized how lonely that place was.

And now, he didn’t know what to do but reflect on what he knew.

He knew more than he did when he arrived. That he was certain of. It was confirmed that Victor needed to die to stop them from meeting. It was a cruel fate that Yuuri was pleased he changed, but he couldn’t say he had a confident answer.

What he thought was Victor’s past life, wasn’t a past life at all. It was some kind of existence Yuuri didn’t know of because he had forgotten it. And he couldn’t figure out why that could be. The Universe had said it was a long existence, but it did nothing to help Yuuri find an answer. It only influenced more questions.

Did Victor use to be something as powerful as Yuuri was? If Victor had no first life, why would the Universe claim he lived a long existence if he had no life to live? And why would Yuuri choose to forget that existence? There had to be a reason.

But it was a reason he did not know.

What he was searching for seemed to be the only thing he couldn’t guess an answer to. He had many guesses, but they seemed… unlikely. If it wasn’t Victor’s true self that he was looking for, then Yuuri didn’t know. He was no closer to finding his answer.

But he knew whatever was hiding in Victor’s soul had the truth. It had all of his answers and it was waiting for Yuuri to find it out. He just didn’t know how long that would be. Victor wanted to be alone for a while. Yuuri had no choice. He had to wait for Victor to come to him.

The longer Yuuri sat on that mountain top, the less he wanted to move. There were souls waiting to be guided but Yuuri could ignore everything up here. He could pretend none of that existed for a while. He felt weak like a kitten, unable to move from the boulder he was sat upon. He just wanted to pretend for a little while longer and try to appreciate the view he had.

He missed Victor. He missed Victor so much.

Night fell and Yuuri still hadn’t found the courage to move. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t think. His mind felt heavy and his body had an ache. He didn’t want to move – to go back to humanity and see all those happy souls when the only one he cared about burned and hurt.

Then the sun rose on the second day and Yuuri couldn’t stay here any longer.

If he had it his way, he would plan to stay out there in the cold, comfortably numb. But Victor was the only thing on his mind and he couldn’t tear his thoughts away. He tried to ignore it but the parade of questions that went through his mind made it tough. He wondered how Victor was, what he was doing, and how he was feeling. Eventually, it became too much.

Keeping secrets was not worth it if it meant this heartache.

Yuuri couldn’t leave Victor. He couldn’t let Victor feel that loneliness he did when they first met. And before Yuuri even realized, he found himself doing what he used to do and watch over Victor in the shadows.

He appeared inside their living room and there was a moment where Yuuri couldn’t move. His chest pounded hard and his hands trembled as he stood alone in their living room. He shouldn’t be here. He should be giving Victor the time alone that he asked for.

But the thought of leaving hurt. It tore at his chest, as if leaving would rip him apart. He couldn’t leave. He should, but he couldn’t.

Yuuri was unseen. Victor wouldn’t know. He’ll tell him when the time comes because Yuuri was refusing to keep any more secrets, but for now, he’ll remain silent.

He gingerly made his way to where Victor’s soul sat. Victor was in their bedroom. But Yuuri didn’t need to see his soul to know where he was. The ache he could feel was strong enough for Yuuri to follow even without seeing it. Yuuri took a deep breath, calming his heavy chest, and stepped through the wall coming into their bedroom.

The second his eyes fell on Victor, his chest ached with a pain that didn’t seem to fade.

Victor was rooted to the edge of the bed. He had a hand pressed to his mouth, stifling his crying while his other was clenched in a fist, keeping something in hand and pressed to his chest – where his heart was. He wheezed for a breath between his sobs and Yuuri couldn’t keep himself away. He stepped forward, his hand reached out to brush his fingers through Victor’s hair. It always calmed Victor. But instead, his hand slipped through him. He had forgotten he was unseen. He couldn’t help Victor.

It pained Yuuri to see him like this while he was unable to do anything to help. It was like a flashback to before he met Victor - when he was unaware why Victor cried and why he used to sit with him. This was different. This was so different.

Because Yuuri could feel something now.

Yuuri moved and sat by Victor’s side. He hesitated to reveal himself. He knew Victor asked for space and Yuuri just being there was breaking that trust. But it hurt so much seeing Victor like this. Yuuri sighed and shook his head to himself. He couldn’t do it. He would only make things worse for both of them.

So, he stayed unseen to the world and especially to Victor.

Suddenly Victor sucked in a breath and Yuuri held his attention. He wiped his cheeks with his hand, drying the tears that fell. In his pause, he opened his fist and sat on his palm were two gold rings. Yuuri’s breath hitched. A dazzling spark gleamed from the golden bands, holding Yuuri’s attention as he stared. And on the inside, he saw words written – an engravement.

_This is my promise. This is my trust._

And Yuuri’s world fell apart.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is hurting me just as much as its hurting you ｡･ﾟ･(*ﾉД`*)･ﾟ･。
> 
> This was heavy. Like, wow. But I want to give you guys some peace of mind.  
> \- This isn't a break-up! Not at all. I can't have them breaking-up after everything they've gone through. Like Victor said, he just needs time alone to think.  
> \- The rings were not engagement rings, but more of a promise.  
> \- We're drawing near to finding out the answers - which also means the end is soon. Nearly 200k words! What a journey it's been.
> 
> Well... Here's to another obstacle they have to face ┐(‘～`；)┌
> 
> Another thing!  
> I have a very busy week ahead of me and I'm really unsure if I can get these chapters up every 2 days. It's bad timing but I'll try! I want these next few chapters to be the best they can be so I won't say how often I'll update, but I will try and stick to the usual schedule! I'm already sure you all understand <3<3


	32. Chapter 32

 

Yuuri couldn’t leave Victor. Not like this.

The rings he saw seemed to be just two pieces of metal, but they were more than that. They held more meaning to them. It was more than just their relationship it represented, but their futures and a look in their past. And the words engraved inside were how their relationship began.

Yuuri gave Victor all his promises. That day in Russia at the airport – when Victor traveled back from the Grand Prix – Yuuri promised Victor he would be there. That promise went further. Yuuri wouldn’t just be there for Victor when he traveled. He would be there for Victor every step of the way – through every obstacle and problem they would be faced with, Yuuri would be there for him. He promised that.

And Victor gave Yuuri his trust. From the beginning, all he asked was for Victor’s trust – for Victor to believe him when he said something that he couldn’t explain or did something that seemed odd – and Victor gave it to him. Victor showed him his trust. He pulled through his doubt and uncertainty of Yuuri, even during the times where he questioned who Yuuri really was and what he was hiding, he trusted Yuuri.

Yuuri gave Victor all his promises. Victor gave Yuuri his trust. And vice versa. That was what the rings stood for.

It didn’t mean an engagement. It didn’t mean marriage. It meant something else – something more that only Yuuri and Victor shared between them. It was what they could gaze upon and remind themselves of their love for each other. The circular band was endless with no beginning or end. It goes on forever, just like their love. And like what was engraved inside, the rings were their promises and their trust. A devotion to one another.

But Yuuri felt he trampled over it, that he ripped it into two and he wasn’t certain if Victor would ever trust him again.

Their trust and promises were broken; and like a glass bottle, it shattered. Their pieces of love, trust, and everything that they worked for were now in tiny pieces on the floor. And it wasn’t until now that Yuuri realized the grand scale of what his secrets could do. He never knew until he lost it all – until the most important person in his life pulled away from him.

Yuuri couldn’t stay away from Victor for too long before an invisible tug pulled him back to Victor’s side, unseen and desperate to help ease his sorrows. Yuuri knew he was breaking Victor’s trust just by being there. Victor had asked for space and Yuuri wasn’t giving it to him. But Yuuri couldn’t leave Victor to be lonely. He swore he would never let Victor feel like that again and even with their argument, Yuuri was going to stick by his word.

He wondered if Victor ever suspected he was there.

Yuuri tried hard not to stay for long and keep up with the afterlife. He tried to see a silver lining in the break away from Victor. He could see to spirits and help more than those who needed him. He could keep track of the afterlife and make sure everything was going smoothly. There was plenty for him to do but instead, he would find himself back by Victor’s side every time.

Sometimes he would return when Victor was sleeping and Yuuri would lay by his side and pretend everything was okay. Other times Victor would be making himself something to eat, or watching a show, or keeping himself occupied from the strange silence that suddenly hung throughout their home. But most of the time when Yuuri would come back, the silence was too much and the absence of Yuuri’s presence would hurt Victor. And from Victor’s anger and loneliness, he would find himself in a fit of tears.

Victor cried himself to sleep the first few nights. It wasn’t until Victor began sleeping with one of Yuuri’s shirts in his arms that it eased his cries. Yuuri wished Victor didn’t have to resort to sleeping with his clothes. He didn’t really understand why that gave Victor comfort, but he wasn’t going to judge Victor for that. It helped him while Yuuri couldn’t. And Yuuri was glad something of his helped Victor while he wasn’t there.

Yuuri kept his eye on Victor’s soul while he checked up on him. He could see from just his soul itself that he did more than just miss Yuuri, but he longed for Yuuri to come back home. Yet his anger still remained harsh and boiling, churning deep inside as Victor cried. He was still so incredibly angry, but it didn’t make Victor miss Yuuri any less.

His soul itself, Yuuri could only describe as being ‘okay’. It was a huge relief on Yuuri’s part. If he knew he hurt Victor’s soul even more, he could never forgive himself. But Victor’s soul was surprisingly fine. It wasn’t happy and bright like a dazzling globe inside of him. It wasn’t joyful and excited like it was during their travels. But it was neither hurting and in pain. It didn’t break. It didn’t crack. It didn’t fall like it had when they met. It was simply sat in the middle – neither broken but neither glowing. All Yuuri could say is that it was ‘okay’.

He was hurting in a different way from before. He was hurting from the anger of hearing the truth and the loss of his loved one. It was tugging at his soul in a way that wounded it. But wounds healed and while it ached now, he wouldn’t be hurting for long.

Yuuri was pleased that Victor’s soul was okay. That mattered because it meant his efforts in helping Victor did more than just help him during his recovery. It helped his soul cope with sorrow.

A week had gone by and Yuuri hoped by now he would hear from Victor but he made no efforts in trying to contact Yuuri. His tears no longer caused his body to jolt and shake with his sorrow. Instead, his tears flowed down his cheeks and dripped off his chin, but he was too sad to cry or wail.

There was something new that Victor started doing. Sometimes he would be doing something and suddenly pause to stare blankly at a wall or the floor. Other times, he would just stand there like a statue while heartache and pain would sweep over him. Yuuri didn’t know what happened when Victor did that but he could only assume something had gone through his mind that he needed to think about.

Victor had many days where he couldn’t get out of bed. Some days were from his bad days, but others were just from the sadness that ate away at him early in the morning. On those days, he was able to find the energy to do more, such as eat when he was hungry or take a shower if he really needed it. But by the end of it, he would always find himself back in his bed – sometimes with tears, sometimes without.

Then came a day that changed a lot.

Yuuri had helped a nearby spirit that morning and because he was near, he found it was a good excuse for him to see Victor. He appeared in their kitchen where he sensed Victor’s soul was and his eyes fell on Victor stood by the counter, a knife in hand and food in front of him. But he wasn’t cutting.

Yuuri took a step forward but came to a sudden halt as Victor slammed the knife against the counter and spun. He stood there, eyes scanning the room as if he was searching for something and Yuuri hesitated to move. He didn’t understand what was going through Victor’s mind but when his expression softened and his tense shoulders eased, Yuuri took a step forward.

When Yuuri was by Victor’s side, Victor sighed heavily and crossed his arms over his chest. He kept his head down and there was a moment of silence before Victor spoke aloud, “Yuuri…” Yuuri’s breath hitched at his name. Victor shouldn’t know he was there. He was invisible, he was certain of it. “Yuuri, if you’re here, show yourself.”

Yuuri breathed in hard. He shouldn’t. He knew he wasn’t supposed to be here but he couldn’t help but find himself curious. Victor seemed to have known he was there. That sudden reaction when he appeared and then the question moments later, it seemed very odd timing. He hesitated to show himself. He shouldn’t do it. Victor would know he was betraying that trust.

But Victor deserved nothing but the truth.

Yuuri took a deep breath to prepare himself. He appeared before Victor’s eyes and for the first time, he didn’t flinch at Yuuri’s sudden appearance. He didn’t gasp or jump or even react. He only raised his head and held an empty stare, his eyes never left Yuuri’s.

But then he tore his gaze away, focusing on the floor as he said, “I thought I told you I wanted to be alone.”

Yuuri swallowed hard. “I didn’t think you’d know I was here.”

“I didn’t,” Victor replied. He shifted against the counter, moving to stand up straight. He never glanced back up. “Well, I… felt like you were there.” He cleared his throat. “I can’t really explain it. I just felt…”

“You sensed me,” Yuuri answered for him. Victor scratched the back of his head as he nodded. Yuuri was certain that was why he asked Yuuri to show himself. If Victor sensed him, he would want to say something.

He just wasn’t certain _how_ Victor could sense his presence. Was it his emotions?

“Why are you here?” Victor asked, raising his head to meet Yuuri’s eyes. “I thought I told you I wanted to be alone.”

There were a million reasons why Yuuri was here but he couldn’t pick out just one. He wanted to say that he missed Victor, that he couldn’t bear another moment without him, that he was uncertain on what to do with himself. But he didn’t know if it would do any help. He didn’t know what to say.

“You’ve been crying a lot,” The words spoke from Yuuri’s mouth before he could stop them. But when Victor let out a single huffed laugh, he wondered maybe he could have been more honest with his feelings.

“Yeah, well, I do that.”

And then a silence fell that Yuuri wished to be filled with fun and laughter. There had been too much quietness. He wanted to hear something – to hear Victor’s cheerful voice sing his name or his laughter that was a rare sound, but beautiful when it was heard. Yuuri needed to hear something – anything.

“Victor –”

“Yuuri,” They spoke in unison. Yuuri bit his lip to stay silent and let Victor speak. He didn’t have much to say, unlike Victor. “I – I appreciate that you’re worried about me but I… I can’t think about anything if I feel you around me.”

Yuuri bit at his lip harder as he closed his eyes and nodded. “I know,” he said. He really did, but it was just so hard to stay away. He almost didn’t remember a time without Victor in his life.

“I know it’s hard but please, let me be alone,” Victor spoke. He then sighed hard. “And I mean truly alone. No – no being invisible and no visiting me, just… pretend I don’t exist for a while, okay?”

“I did try but I couldn’t stay far,” Yuuri murmured. He wanted to be honest. He wanted Victor to know that he wasn’t going to keep any more secrets. He was done with secrets. It was full honesty from that point on.

“Then just watch me from afar,” Victor said. He raised his hand, bringing it close to Yuuri’s face but pulled it back hesitated. He then pulled it back to scratch the back of his neck. Yuuri caught every movement, watching them carefully. Victor wanted to touch him. Victor then tore his gaze away, keeping it focused on the floor and said, “I can’t think if I feel you near me.”

Honesty. Victor was going to receive his honesty.

“I miss you.”

“No, don’t do that, please,” Victor took a step back shaking his head. It was as if he couldn’t be close to Yuuri. His face seemed to be paler than Yuuri recalled it being. He seemed ghostly, despite the warm rays of the sun through the kitchen window. “You – I think you know how much I miss you too.” Victor swallowed hard and stared up at the ceiling, trying to keep the tears back in his eyes. “And God, it’s – It’s been so…” Victor’s lip wobbled before tears burst forth, spilling down his face and his cries tore through his body.

Yuuri chest ached. He wanted to step forward. He wanted to pull Victor into his arms and keep him close, but Yuuri didn’t know if he was allowed to do that. They were supposed to be apart. If he took Victor into his arms, he feared he may never let him go.

But the longer Yuuri heard Victor’s cries, the less he cared. Victor needed him and Yuuri wasn’t going to let him hurt alone.

Yuuri stepped forward just as Victor did too, meeting him half way as their arms went around each other. Victor’s hand clutched the back of Yuuri’s shirt, gripping it tightly as if letting go would make Yuuri disappear. Victor sobbed into Yuuri’s chest, his cries shaking his shoulders as brick by brick, his walls came tumbling down.

Their argument and agreement to take time apart seemed non-existent in that moment. Yuuri didn’t mind if Victor would yell at him after his cries stopped. He didn’t mind if Victor pulled away because Yuuri would know that he helped Victor even when he didn’t ask for it. Yuuri would always help Victor, no matter what they were going through.

Victor sucked in a deep breath when his tears subsided and his body calmed from his cries. But he didn’t pull back just yet. He stayed close, his arms circled around Yuuri tightly as his hands gripped the back of Yuuri’s shirt. They stood there alone in their kitchen, breathing, thinking, hurting.

“This is why I can’t think,” Victor mumbled against Yuuri’s chest. “I’m still angry at you but I can’t help but fall back into your arms. You… you’re still helping me after everything I said and I just…”

It made Yuuri feel warm. It hurt that Victor was still mad at him, but knowing that Victor found support in Yuuri’s comfort even with the rage still boiling inside his soul, it gave Yuuri a sense of hope. And Yuuri couldn’t help himself as he said quietly, “I really do miss you, Victor.”

Victor took a deep, shaky breath and pulled back. He wiped the tears from his cheeks, drying them as he pulled back and took a couple of steps back, putting a distance between the two. Yuuri didn’t reach out for him. Victor didn’t want that right now. They then met eyes as Victor said, “Now really, leave me alone, Yuuri.” Yuuri didn’t reply. He didn’t know what to say. “Go and visit Phichit. Keep yourself busy. Just – just let me be alone to think. Please. You being here isn’t helping me.”

Yuuri didn’t dare take his eyes off Victor. He was going to stick to Victor’s words this time. He was going to stay away. If it would help Victor, he would do it. He then took in as much of Victor as he could. He needed to remember the way Victor looked and felt. If he was going to spend time away, he needed that reminder.

“Okay, I – I’ll go,” Yuuri said with reluctance. He knew he should, but knowing this was his last time seeing Victor… He needed to say it. He needed to remind Victor – just in case. “I still love you.”

They seemed to have a silent conversation as they stared into each other’s eyes. Victor didn’t turn away as his tears threatened to blur his vision, instead, he did the same as what Yuuri wanted – taking in the way each other looked, as a reminder.

“I still love you too,” Victor’s lips turned up into a small smile and Yuuri gave a gentle smile back before leaving. At least he was able to leave with Victor’s smile on his mind.

 

* * *

 

Yuuri thought he could to it.

When he left, he could do it. He was able to stay away from Victor for the rest of the day. He helped spirits, he visited a few places he wanted to adventure, and checked up on a few souls he knew were dying soon. He thought he could stay away.

But then suddenly he found himself doing the one thing he said he wouldn’t do. He went back to Victor’s side.

He didn’t understand why he was acting like this.

He knew he missed Victor, that without him by Yuuri’s side, everything seemed dull and lifeless. But he knew he shouldn’t be acting like this. Victor had asked for time away and Yuuri wanted to give him that, he really did, but he couldn’t seem to stay away for long.

He felt creepy. He felt… obsessed.

Yuuri could feel there was something he wasn’t acknowledging. There was an emotion that he was either refusing to let out or he was ignoring it. He could feel it like a crushing weight on his chest and in his mind but he couldn’t work out what he needed to do. Did he need to cry? Did he need to get angry himself? He wasn’t sure. But whatever it was, it was refusing to let Yuuri have a moment where he wasn’t thinking about Victor.

He couldn’t control it. The thought of Victor sitting alone while crying to himself sent an ache through Yuuri’s chest. The thought of Victor hurting while nobody was there to comfort him when he needed it made it even more difficult and Yuuri needed to do something with his thoughts. He needed to do something about whatever emotion he was bottling up.

And as his knuckles wrapped against a door, he wondered maybe he needed someone else’s support to fall back on.

“Yuuri?”

Yuuri turned, eyes falling on Phichit standing at the door with a wide-eyed expression. He blinked hard at Yuuri’s appearance and Yuuri didn’t know what to say or do, so he decided to just give a little wave.

Suddenly, there was a hand wrapped around his wrist and before he was aware of what was happening, he was being dragged inside a bedroom with his friend pulling him along. The grip was then released as Phichit jumped on his bed, grabbed his phone from the side as he patted the area next to him, giving Yuuri permission to sit.

“Yuuri, you’ve been gone for like, two weeks. I’ve tried texting and calling but you seemed to have just disappeared from the face of the earth!” Phichit rambled as Yuuri settled down beside him. “What’s going on?” Yuuri didn’t know what to say. He wanted to tell Phichit everything, but he remembered that Phichit didn’t know what Victor did. Phichit’s knowledge on Yuuri’s real life was limited. Phichit knew little and Yuuri had to lie again.

“It’s… me and Victor.” Yuuri said with a sigh. He held his gaze to his hands that were locked together as his thumbs fiddled with each other. “He – he’s asked for time apart. He wanted some alone time to think about things.”

Phichit then let out a loud gasp and Yuuri’s head shot up. Phichit’s hand was pressed to his mouth, staring wide eyed at Yuuri and as his hands slowly dropped, he murmured, “You’ve gotten a divorce?”

That wasn’t the first time Phichit mentioned marriage when Yuuri spoke about himself and Victor and every time, it still shocked him. “What? No,” Yuuri said and Phichit let out a relieved sigh. “Phichit, we’re – we’re not even married.”

That seemed to genuinely shock Phichit. “Oh. I’m actually shocked by that. You two just seemed so… domestic. It was cute,” He smiled and Yuuri wasn’t sure how to feel. There was a smile on his own face, but he felt sad. “But back to the situation at hand, what do you mean he asked for time apart?”

Yuuri wanted to tell him everything, but he couldn’t say the real reason. It would mean he would have to admit he was Death and as much as Yuuri felt happy to let Phichit know, he didn’t have the time. He didn’t want the conversation to stray. He just needed support and advice. “I did something that didn’t help his career. And I told him about it,” Yuuri began. Phichit stayed silent as he allowed Yuuri to continue uninterrupted. “He felt betrayed, which was understandable. Then he asked for time apart so he could think about things and I – I need…”

“You need a shoulder to cry on?” Phichit suggested.

Yuuri wondered maybe he did just need to cry. “I don’t actually know,” He said as he thought back to when he cried and realized he only shed a few tears during their argument. He couldn’t say that crying. “I haven’t cried about it yet.”

Phichit gave a single blink, shocked, “Yuuri, you know that isn’t very healthy?” Phichit said and Yuuri’s head dropped. “When did all of this happen?”

Yuuri thought back and couldn’t believe it when he found his answer. “Nearly two weeks ago.” Twelve days, if Yuuri had to be exact.

“That was when you stopped texting,” Phichit pointed out as Yuuri nodded. Phichit held a silent stare for a moment before saying, “Yuuri, you can’t have gone this long being away from your lover and not cry about it.”

“That’s what I think I need to do,” Yuuri said. “I’m ignoring something. I’m ignoring an emotion inside me but I can’t figure out what it is. And it’s making me feel like this creepy, obsessed stalker because I can’t seem to stay away from Victor and it just isn’t making anything better.”

“Yuuri, you could have just called me. You really didn’t need to hop on a plane and find me,” Phichit said and Yuuri stayed silent. “Which begs the question _how_ you found me because I swear I never told you where I lived.” Yuuri didn’t know how to answer and he began to think of a reason but Phichit carried on. “I will assume you did what I would have done and stalked my Instagram. My whole life is on there, I’m certain you’re not the only one. But back onto the subject at hand, you’re in desperate need of tears, ice cream, and a movie.”

Yuuri understood one of the three reasons. He didn’t see how a movie would help and couldn’t understand how food could help him. “Why ice cream?” He asked.

“It’s classic break-up food!”

Yuuri shook his head, “But we haven’t broken up.”

“Fine, classic not-break-up food. It’ll make you feel better. But first, tears.” Phichit moved from his spot, turning so he sat crossed legged and facing Yuuri. Yuuri didn’t know what to do so he copied what Phichit did, facing him too. “Come on, let out everything you’ve been holding back.”

“I don’t think I can just switch on my tears,” Yuuri said. He wished he had that much control over his emotions.

“Then just talk to me. Just ramble. I find that helps me let out bottled up emotions,” Phichit said and Yuuri thought about it. He could ramble.

He just didn’t know what to say. “How do I start?”

“Just talk,” Phichit replied with a bright smile on his face that made Yuuri feel like everything was going to be okay. “Talk to your heart's content. Let out all of your deepest feelings and bring them forth. If you need any help, I can help you talk about something.”

“Like what?” Yuuri needed all the help he could get.

Phichit was silent for a moment, thinking. “You really love Victor, don’t you?”

Yuuri breathed in a shaky breath. “More than just love him. He is everything to me.” Phichit smiled warmly and Yuuri continued. “He’s my first everything. He was my first kiss, my first love, my first… uh…” Yuuri scratched the back of his neck, pausing.

“Your first…?” Phichit pressed.

Yuuri cleared his throat. “Uh, I found that some people don’t mind talking about this while others don’t want to, so…” He should just ask. It was Phichit, he would understand. “Can I talk about sex with you?”

“Yuuri! Look at you!” Phichit’s smile seemed to stretch wider and Yuuri didn’t understand why he was so happy about it. “And of course, I am your friend. You can ramble on about your sex life all you want.”

Yuuri wasn’t going to go into any detail but he was pleased he could be open with Phichit. “Well, he was just my first everything. My first love, sex, touches… But it went even further than that.” Phichit raised a brow, curious by what Yuuri meant. “I never felt like this before – to anyone. I never loved someone or wanted to devote so much time and energy in helping them. I’ve always thought about myself and what I wanted to do, but then Victor came in my life and…”

“And he helped you find that,” Phichit answered and Yuuri nodded. Victor did more than just help him find those emotions. Victor helped him develop them too.

“I feel a connection with him. I feel like our… our souls combined. Like we were supposed to be a pair. Like we were supposed to meet and be together.” Yuuri didn’t know where that came from. Their souls couldn’t possibly be combined like a pair. And with the Universe wanting to keep them apart, it seemed more unlikely. “But I also feel like we weren’t. How we met wasn’t… it wasn’t something romantic. It was sad and… Victor wasn’t in a good place.”

Phichit blinked rapidly as he came to a sudden realization. “Yuuri… Victor didn’t try to… He didn’t try to end his life, did he?” Yuuri wasn’t the right person to say yes, but he couldn’t lie and say no either. He didn’t answer, but his silence was nothing but a confirmation as Phichit’s eyes softened. “Oh, Yuuri…”

“That was how we met,” Yuuri said. He practically gave Phichit the nod that Victor had tried to end his life, but he didn’t mind that Phichit knew. He knew he could trust Phichit to not tell everyone. And it wasn’t Phichit’s place to do that, either.

“I found him on a bridge and I just spoke to him,” Yuuri continued. “I talked to him and that was enough to pull him back. I did something right that night. And he asked me to stay with him after that. He asked me to live with him because I didn’t have a home and that I would be with him so he wasn’t lonely. And I… I never expected to fall in love with him.”

“Yuuri…” Phichit said because what else could he say? Yuuri didn’t expect an answer. He just needed someone to listen to him.

“It took me so long to realize that I was even in love with him.” If Victor’ hadn’t said anything, Yuuri wondered if he still wouldn’t know to this day. “The moment I saw him, I felt a connection. And this was long before I spoke to him. But when I finally did speak to him, he helped me discover more about myself. And somewhere along that line, I fell in love. He – he gave me so much love and I tried giving it back too. I tried giving him life but I feel like… I feel like I failed.”

Yuuri bowed his head as disappointment rushed through him. He wished it had gone better. He wished he could go back and tell Victor everything sooner, but he was learning. He was still trying to understand. But it didn’t help him feel any better.

“You didn’t fail, Yuuri,” Phichit said as his hand landed on Yuuri’s arm in a comforting manner. “You helped him off that bridge that night. You gave him life the moment you did that.”

Yuuri let out a sigh. Phichit was right in a way. That moment he saved Victor, he gave him life – life he wasn’t supposed to have.

“There’s a reason I feel like we weren’t supposed to meet.” Yuuri wanted to let Phichit know what was happening, but he couldn’t spend the time explaining it. He decided to tell the truth, but twist it enough to make it seem more... realistic to a human. “I feel like the Universe tried to kill him before I could get to him. That connection I felt, it was as if it wasn’t meant to be and that the Universe was trying to stop my own… my own fate…”

Yuuri caught on what he was saying. He was talking about his own fate as if he had one. Death didn’t hold a fate. His fate was to die when the Universe does. He couldn’t imagine his fate being to meet Victor, but he had said during his rambling he felt like they were meant to meet and be together. And it all came down to one thing.

The connection he felt.

It was that moment that changed everything. It was that moment that he felt something for the first time and Yuuri began to ponder that maybe that connection meant more than just Yuuri feeling a bond with Victor. Perhaps it meant more – something that he wasn’t noticing or seeing.

Yuuri wasn’t sure of anything anymore.

“But you got your fate, Yuuri,” Phichit’s voice tore Yuuri from his thoughts. He glanced up. “You stopped his and gained yours. You gave him a better life and he gave you love, all because you chose the fate that would benefit the both of you.”

If only Phichit knew how wrong he was. It didn’t benefit the both of them. It saved Victor, Yuuri could agree with that. But it hurt Victor too. It put Victor through more heartache and tragedy, taking more away from him than before. He hurt Victor in a way nobody else could. Yuuri never wanted to do that again.

“Victor deserved so much more than that fate.” Yuuri felt his eyes water, tears coming forth and ready to fall, but he held them back. He wanted to ramble. “He deserved so much happiness and life and I tried to give him that but I couldn’t do it. I tried helping him through every competition that hurt him and each one he failed, he just fell deeper and deeper into this hole…” Yuuri closed his eyes. A single tear slipped down his cheek. “I couldn’t keep him away from that sadness no matter how hard I tried and I – I just kept on… I kept on failing.” He pressed his lips together tight and breathed in hard through his nose. He needed to control the shake in his voice and the tears that threatened to fall. “I couldn’t keep him happy and that was all I -  I wanted and now – now I’ve r-ruined… I’ve ruined…”

And just like that, Yuuri broke again.

Against Phichit’s shoulder, Yuuri cried. Yuuri let out all his pain, heartache, and misery as his tears stained Phichit’s shirt. Phichit said nothing but Yuuri was pleased he didn’t. Yuuri found that sometimes, there wasn’t always a need to have to say something to make someone feel better. The presence of someone who cares enough to listen can be enough – and it was enough for Yuuri. It was enough to help Yuuri ease his tears to a gentle sob.

Yuuri never realized the danger of hiding up his emotions.

“You’ve ruined nothing,” Yuuri heard Phichit say and he moved back. Phichit held his shoulders and gave him a determined stare as he said, “You two as a couple will have arguments and disagreements. But that doesn’t mean it will end and everything you did would go unnoticed. When Victor is in the right mind, he would want to talk and you two can work it out.”

“You think so?” Yuuri asked as he wiped his cheeks dry.

Phichit nodded. “I know so. He loves you, Yuuri.”

Yuuri couldn’t help but give a small smile. He was right, Victor did love him. “He did say he still loved me,” Yuuri murmured then asked, “That has to mean something, right?”

“For you two getting back to how you were? Oh, definitely.” Phichit gave a smile that truly made Yuuri think everything would be okay. Victor did still love him and Victor would want to talk when he had calmed down. Yuuri had to try and look on the bright side. “How do you feel now?”

“Better,” Yuuri nodded. “I feel like my heads cleared. And I don’t feel so… sad. I’m still sad, but it isn’t…” He didn’t know how to explain it. He still missed Victor. He was still angry at himself for keeping everything from Victor, but he felt better in his mind.

“It’s not making you overthink anymore?” Phichit said and Yuuri gave a nod. “Well, my job as a friend is nearly done.” Phichit then smiled widely before he stood to his feet and walked over to his TV, searching the area for something. “Next step is ice cream and a movie. And I’m taking this as the opportunity to have you watch The King and the Skater!” Phichit declared as he held a DVD case in hand above his head. And Yuuri laughed for the first time in weeks.

Yuuri didn’t like movies as much as he would’ve liked, but he could admit it was an enjoyable movie. He could see why Phichit liked it. But Yuuri mostly liked the evening. It was relaxing and although they didn’t do much, Yuuri’s mind felt busy. He still had Victor on his mind as well as his worries, but he didn’t feel so much tension anymore. It was as if it had lifted, easing Yuuri into a short-term peace.

And he wasn’t sure what it was about ice cream but it definitely made him feel more better.

“So, what did you think of it?” Phichit excitedly asked as the end credits started. He was bouncing in his seat, excited to hear Yuuri’s response.

“I liked the songs,” Yuuri answered. “They were fun.”

“Right? I skated to one of those songs once. That was back at last year’s Grand Prix when I competed against Victor.” Phichit smile then fell as his head dropped. “And to think, I never knew how much he was struggling…”

There was something about Phichit showing care to someone he didn’t know well enough had Yuuri appreciate humanity that little bit more. “Nobody did,” Yuuri said. “He hid it well.”

Phichit then let out a sigh before he turned in his seat, facing Yuuri on full. “Listen, you’re my friend and I want you to know that I care about you, but I also care about Victor too. He’s a part of your life and as much as I’ve only spoken to him a few times, I do wish him the best and I hope you two work things out.”

Yuuri felt warm inside. “Thank you, Phichit.”

“And if he ever feels… bad and you’re not there to help him for whatever reason – I’m certain you always will, but if he needs to… have a friend, he can call me,” Phichit said. “I’m always by my phone. I will always answer.”

“He’ll appreciate that,” Yuuri said with a smile.

Phichit grinned back before saying, “And another thing. I don’t know where you’re staying but I’m not letting you go back to Russia after just traveling here.” Yuuri nearly said that it didn’t matter since he could travel anywhere in seconds, but bit his tongue before he did. Phichit wasn’t Victor. He didn’t know anything about Yuuri and him being Death. “Unless Victor calls you asking for your return, you’re more than welcome to stay here for as long as you like. I don’t have a bed I can offer but I do have a couch. And a comfortable one at that. Seriously, I’d sleep on it if I didn’t have a bed.”

Neither a couch or a bed mattered because Yuuri didn’t sleep, but he appreciated the offer. It made him feel a little happier knowing he had a wider support group outside of Victor. “Thank you, Phichit,” Yuuri said warmly. “I will take you up on that offer.”

As much as his answer was influenced to help himself stay away from Victor for a while, he also quite liked the idea of spending more time with Phichit. Texting was nice, but he found he preferred to speak in person. It felt nice to have a friend he could speak to.

“Thank you for being my friend,” Yuuri found himself saying. “It really does help me.”

And Phichit gave the biggest smile he could muster as he said, “I’ll always be here, Yuuri.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wrote one half feeling well, the other half not so well. (Being ill sucks btw!)  
> I apologize if the quality of the chapter decreased towards the end. I'm not very happy with this chapter, but hey! I got this chapter up on time! Gotta look on the bright side! o(´∀｀*)
> 
> In other news, my homeboy Phichit is back and there will be a couple more chapters until we get to the big part! I'm excited and I hope you guys are too! o((*^▽^*))o


	33. Chapter 33

  

As much as the time Yuuri spent with Phichit felt like a nice break away from life, it wasn’t enough to stop his worries from chewing at his stomach and mind, forcing him to remember what he wanted to forget.

He did find enjoyment with Phichit. It kept his mind occupied enough to feel a sense of serenity, easing him into feeling calm and peace for a while. It had helped him make sense of what he was going to do now he was away from Victor and keeping a good balance in his emotions by talking about how he felt and not letting his sorrows hurt too much. He had a good routine going.

But no matter what he did, no matter how much he spoke about his feeling or what was going through his thoughts, Victor never left his mind. It was an ache that came and went, always returning in the quiet moments.

It would be at random times of the day too. Yuuri could be sitting with Phichit watching a movie when Victor would just appear in his mind. He could be walking with Phichit to the ice rink and he’d look across the road and think he saw Victor. It was becoming a problem and Yuuri had no choice but to mention it to Phichit.

“You just miss him, Yuuri,” Phichit said with a reassuring smile and a comforting hand on his shoulder. “I know it hurts now, but when he contacts you, it’ll be fine.”

But Yuuri didn’t know if it really would all be fine and suddenly, he found himself in a pit of doubt.

The conversation only helped Yuuri a little before he found himself thinking of Victor again. There were times where the littlest thing would remind Yuuri of him. If he saw something that resembled a heart, he could only think of Victor’s heart-shaped smile that he would wear during his happiest moments. If he felt something soft, he instantly thought of Victor’s soft hair weaving through his fingers. It was the littlest things that would flood his mind with pictures of him.

Yuuri kept a tough grip this time. He stayed away from Victor like he asked – and Yuuri kept his word.

Everything seemed to be going smoothly. Even the spirit world seemed to be at peace. There weren’t so many uncertain spirits, unsure of where to go or what to do. They seemed to just move on without a second thought. There were always spirits who would struggle, but there was far less than usual and that had Yuuri both concerned and watchful.

He still helped them. He was back to how he was when Victor retired. He couldn’t see to spirits as often as he would have liked, but there was a difference this time. Yuuri could visit spirits when Phichit was asleep. He could sneak out late in the night and see to those spirits that needed him, returning before Phichit even woke up.

Everything was going fine… at first. Yuuri couldn’t pinpoint exactly where it all went wrong, but something inside is mind seemed to have just snapped and suddenly, everything was far from fine.

It happened during a night that Yuuri sensed a soul nearby. The soul had a flicker of death against it and Yuuri knew that they had a fated death coming. They had to die that night and as Yuuri looked around the empty living room, he decided to go ahead and see them. He had the time to.

He traveled over and the second his feet touched the ground, he was hit with a sudden sense of déjà vu. Yuuri stood on a bridge, his eyes frozen on a man who just stepped up on the ledge. Yuuri’s mind flooded with memories – recalling a past that no longer existed but pulled at his chest with a heavy ache and a reminder of what could have been.

There was a light breeze in the air that moved the man’s silver hair softly. He had his arms hugged around him, pulling his long coat around his body tight to keep himself warm from the chill in the air. Yuuri could hear the man’s faint sobbing and watched as his shoulders jump with each one. Yuuri felt a lump in his throat.

From the back, the man looked just like Victor. The resemblance was uncanny. He had the same colored hair, a similar figure, and even the same coat that Victor wore. But Yuuri knew without seeing the man’s face that it wasn’t Victor. He had the wrong soul. And Yuuri was certain it wasn’t him when the man took a quick glance back behind him and Yuuri caught the browns in the man’s eyes. It wasn’t his Victor.

But the man held the same fate. The man had to die that night, just like Victor did that cold night in France – alone and with no one to stop him from falling to his death. The man held many similarities to Victor. They both had to die. They both wanted to die and chose the same way to attempt it. And there was something in Yuuri’s mind that made him focus on one thought – saving him.

Yuuri didn’t know this man. He didn’t know what kind of life he held or who he was like as a person. Yuuri would have to read his soul to know but for once, he wanted to save somebody without there being a reason. He wanted to pull the man back and give him the second chance that Victor got. He was Death himself. He could make that choice.

And Yuuri didn’t hesitate for even a second as he reached out, wrapping his arms around the man’s waist to pull him back off the ledge.

When the man was firmly on the ground, he spun around and stared at Yuuri with his eyes agape. Yuuri held onto the man’s shoulders tight, keeping him facing forward as Yuuri tried to hold as much reassurance and confidence in his face. He wanted the man to read his expression – to look at his face and see that somebody cared.

The man wasn’t his Victor, but that didn’t mean Yuuri couldn’t save him.

“This isn’t what your life has to come to,” Yuuri spoke to the man before he even realized the words fell from his mouth. “You can make your own choices. You can live and see the sun rise again. But please, don’t let your life fall into the hands of the Universe.”

The man breathed in a deep, shaky breath. He blinked the tears away but they continued to fall down his cheeks. “I just – I can’t take this anymore.”

 _Don’t – Don’t try and stop me!_ Victor’s voice echoed through Yuuri’s mind. His chest pulled with a heavy ache. _I can’t – I can’t take this anymore._

It wasn’t fair that the Universe got to choose the death of each soul. It wasn’t right that the Universe chose some to die in such horrible ways while others found peace during their death. The Universe had no right to make that choice. Yuuri should. He was Death himself – he should be able to make that choice.

The Universe had no right to take what was Yuuri’s.

Yuuri didn’t let Victor’s fate fall into the hands of the Universe and he would be damned if he was going to let another soul meet that same fate.

Yuuri spoke to the man for an hour, helping him the same way he did when he stopped Victor from falling to his fate. He spoke to him, helping the man find sense and direction in his life and when Yuuri saw the man’s soul had found hope, he knew he saved him.

But unlike Victor, Yuuri didn’t stay. He had no reason to stay. Yuuri chose to continue on once he knew the man was okay, moving onto another soul who held a fated death.

He was going to stop as many fated deaths as he could. He may guide, but he had the ability to save those people. He had that power.

He found another soul not long after. It was a teenage girl who was with her friends. Her fate was to not notice the speeding car that would race past her just as she would step out onto the road. It was a horrible fate to fall to – and painful too.

But Yuuri could stop it.

He appeared just as she stepped foot onto the road. He grabbed her and pulled her back just in time. She felt the force of the speeding car rush past her, but it wasn’t the same force she would have felt if it had hit her. But the sudden realization of what could have happened had her turn to Yuuri and hug him, thanking him for saving her life.

The girl and her friends wanted to treat him to a free coffee and a talk. Yuuri wanted to say no. He needed to see to more souls that were fated to die but he also wanted to make sure she was okay. He accepted and it turned out to be a nice few hours.

He made a few friends. He learned more about the girl he saved as well as her friends lives too. They spoke about random subjects, made some jokes, and Yuuri smiled at the girls inside jokes. He didn’t understand them but knowing the girl could continue to laugh and smile with her friends made Yuuri feel happy.

And when Yuuri said his goodbyes, he moved onto another soul, then another. And by the time Yuuri had to return back to Phichit, he had saved a total of six souls from falling to their fate. It wasn’t as many as he had wanted, but it was enough for him to feel proud.

Yuuri laid down on the couch, pulled a blanket over his body, and stared up at the ceiling deep in thought. He had changed more fates than he had in his entire existence – all in one night. He was happy he saved their lives and he would do it again if it meant seeing their smiling faces and hearing their laughter. He did that. He allowed that to happen, all because he gave them a second chance.

Yuuri had a smile on his face. He was happy with himself. He made a choice and he was proud. But as Yuuri’s mind drifted back to the one he loved, he was suddenly reminded of all the pain Victor had gone through all because Yuuri changed his fate.

And it was in that moment that Yuuri finally questioned his actions.

He may have saved them. He may have given them a second shot at life, but they would all fall to a consequence too. They would be hit with a consequence that would try and push them back to their fates. And this time, Yuuri wouldn’t be there to help them through it. He wouldn’t be there to watch over their souls and be certain they would be alright.

He couldn’t save them like he had saved Victor and as Yuuri’s mind raced with dread, he pressed his hands to his mouth to stifle his choked gasp.

He fucked up. He really, really fucked up.

Six souls he saved. But it was six souls that were going to suffer – all from Yuuri’s choices.

There were now six souls walking on the planet, continuing to live when they should have died. Six souls that would find themselves in more pain and suffering because someone who was a stranger to them – but Death to all – had caused it. And it was all Yuuri’s fault.

Everything he did and those lives he saved, it was all worth saving. Every single soul he saved was worth protecting. Souls were that delicate to him. He never realized how much pain, agony, and hurt souls could go through until he watched Victor’s go through it all. He just wanted to make a choice and save them, but no matter what he could do, they would suffer from a consequence that was unavoidable.

And suddenly, the Universe was pressing heavily against his back like he was carrying the weight of a boulder. His shoulders tensed against the sudden heaviness that pushed him down, scolding and disciplining him for being so reckless. He had done the most outrageous, disobedient thing since he stopped Victor’s life. He stopped more – and the Universe was doing more than just protesting. It was angry.

Yuuri just wanted to make his own choice when it came to somebody’s death. He was Death himself and yet, he held no control over any death. He had no control over choosing who can die and who can live. It defeated the purpose of him being who he was. It wasn’t fair and it wasn’t right. The Universe held too much power – even over something Yuuri was supposed to be in control of.

He just wanted to save lives.

But as much as Yuuri wanted to fight for his choices, the pressured weight on his shoulders was a reminder that he couldn’t fight against what was more powerful than him. He wished he could. He wished he could save whoever he wanted with no consequence, but that was asking for too much.

And suddenly Yuuri’s breathing was coming in and out fast paced and desperate for a breath he didn’t need. He didn’t breathe, it didn’t make sense. But as he sat there, breathing heavily to himself, he needed to do one thing.

He needed to see Victor again. He needed to know that Victor wasn’t going to leave him.

It was one last time to remind him what was waiting for him at home. He needed to see Victor’s face – to just remind himself what Victor looked like and return back. He knew he shouldn’t, but he seemed to be doing that a lot lately.

He just needed to see Victor’s face and he would be gone. He needed to get out. He needed to –

“Why the hell have you not spoken to him yet?” Yuuri heard Yuri’s voice echo through their home. Yuuri appeared in their bedroom having expected Victor to be in there, but as he stared at the empty bed and heard Yuri’s voice from the living room, he knew where Victor was.

Yuuri had to force himself to stop. Victor had sensed him last time he visited. He still didn’t know how Victor did that but he wasn’t going to test his chances. And he shouldn’t be here while Victor and Yuri were talking. It was a private conversation and Yuuri shouldn’t intrude. He just needed to see Victor’s face and he would be gone.

But he would stand afar, just in case.

Yuuri moved from their bedroom and into the hallway. He stood at the doorway to the living room, far enough from where Victor and Yuri were. Victor was sat on the couch with his head in his hands, breathing heavily to himself as his soul pulsed with grief. Yuri had a face like thunder, fury tearing through him as he furiously paced the room. Yuuri wondered what kind of conversation he was intruding.

“I just can’t do it yet,” Victor’s voice was muffled by his hands. Yuuri squinted his eyes, staring harder to try and see through Victor’s hands that hid his face, but he couldn’t see. “I can’t… I’m not ready.”

Yuri let out a loud huff as he stopped pacing to cross his arms. “And when will you be ready?” He asked, staring down at Victor with narrowed eyes.

Victor was silent as he turned his head away, facing the window instead of the doorway and Yuuri huffed with frustration. He just needed to see Victor’s face and he would be gone, but knowing Victor and Yuri were having an argument, he found it harder to just leave like that.

He shouldn’t be abusing his power like this. He made a promise.

“I don’t know,” Yuuri heard Victor’s quiet voice speak and Yuuri sighed heavily. It seemed he wasn’t close to an answer yet.

“Do you want my honest opinion?” Yuri asked and Victor looked up.

“Honestly, no.”

“Well you’re getting it anyway,” Yuri said firmly. Yuuri saw Victor press his lips together tight. He was getting frustrated. It wasn’t exactly the expression Yuuri wanted to see but he had said he just needed to see Victor’s face and he would be gone. He was going to stick to his word and keep his promise. He turned on his heel, ready to leave. “I think you and that freak are both being idiots,” He heard Yuri’s voice say and he came to a halt.

He turned and blinked. Yuri was talking about him and Victor. His brows dropped, unsure where the conversation was going to go. He knew he should leave, but this had him involved now. He was mentioned and Yuuri needed to make sure Yuri wasn’t going to make anything worse. He decided to stay, only to see what was going on.

“Because we’re going through some trouble?” Victor snapped as he stormed to his feet.

Yuri shook his head firmly. “No. Because _you’ve_ taken this argument way out of proportion and made it worse for yourself,” He replied back. Victor stared gobsmacked, eyes wide with fury building inside. “That freak had been keeping secrets from you which, yeah, was very shit of him and this could have been avoided if he told you sooner, but you’ve taken it too far.”

Victor’s lips were pressed together in a firm line as his head shook from side to side. “How the hell have _I_ taken this too far?” Victor demanded an answer. “This secret he kept from me is bigger than you would ever know. It made me feel betrayed and hurt and… used. I have every right to be angry and upset, Yurio. So tell me, how exactly did I take this too far?”

“He helped you through everything. He helped you during your breakdowns and through those competitions that you sucked at. He saved your god damn life, Victor. I think you owe him so much more than you’ve given him,” Yuri’s voice rose. Yuuri couldn’t help but smile at Yuri’s support. He was happy he saw it. “Whatever he kept from you can’t have been enough to make all of that meaningless. He cares about you so much. Do you even care about him?”

“Of course, I do!” Victor screamed and it even startled Yuuri. “I – I love, I… Okay, alright, fine!” His hands flew up in defeat. He turned his back to Yuri, stepping towards the window as he crossed his arms. “Maybe I had taken my anger too far. Maybe I did… overthink everything and ignore what he had done for me. But I just… I need time to get myself out of that… I need to get myself in the right place.”

“I thought you would have been in the right place by now,” Yuri said and Victor glanced over his shoulder, staring at Yuri. “Those therapy sessions should be helping you by now.”

“… I’m not going to instantly recover from my depression, you know,” Victor said as he turned to face Yuri.

Yuri shrugged. “I would have thought you’d be better by now.”

“I’m not going to be better for a long time,” Victor said as he turned fully and shook his head. “Therapy is helping me cope and learn how to handle my depression. That’s my recovery. It’s not to stop me from feeling depressed because I don’t think I’ll get to that point for a long time. But it’s helping me get to it sooner.”

Yuuri had thought his recovery was getting better from his depression, but at the same time, Victor learning to cope and handle it _was_ him getting better too. It saddened Yuuri that it would take Victor longer than he hoped to help his depression, but he had made a major improvement since December and Yuuri was so proud of him.

Yuri bowed his head. “I didn’t realize.” Victor didn’t reply and Yuri glanced back up. “Maybe you should talk to your therapist about this. I think you should just talk to Yuuri but if not, at least talk to her about it.”

“I already have but I didn’t talk about… everything.” Victor let out a sigh as he nodded. “But I’ll talk to her. I miss him. I want to get my head sorted.”

When Yuuri heard Victor say he missed him, he didn’t pay attention to anything else other than those words. It wasn’t until Yuri walked out the door and straight through Yuuri that he came back to his senses. It was always a strange sensation to feel a soul pass through him – it was like a shiver up his spine. Yuuri instantly moved further away as Victor followed behind Yuri to say his goodbyes. Victor didn’t seem to take any notice of an extra presence in the home. He hoped Victor didn’t know he was there.

Yuri took a step outside the door but stopped for a moment. His brows dropped with thought and as he turned back to Victor, he asked, “You don’t think him saving you was the reason why you failed your skating?”

Yuuri’s chest stopped feeling. His entire being came to a frozen standstill. How Yuri could have guessed that, he did not know, but he was going to wait around for a moment longer and find out.

“W-what do you mean?” Victor cleared his throat, distracting himself from his stutter.

“Ever since he appeared, you started to get worse with your skating,” Yuri began and Victor stayed silent. “We’re all going to retire one day. Most of us know when it’s time to stop, but you didn’t. Even with your depression and your fall, you still continued when you should have stopped.”

Victor inhaled through his nose. “What is your point?”

“I think meeting Yuuri did you a favor.”

And before Victor could even reply, Yuri turned and closed the door behind him, not even saying a goodbye to Victor. He left him behind, startled with wide eyes and mouth agape. Yuuri took a few strides back. He needed to get a distance from Victor.

A favor or not, Yuuri still kept that secret from Victor. He didn’t know what was going through Victor’s mind in that moment but as Victor stumbled his way into their bedroom, falling face first onto the bed with his pillow pressed against his face, Yuuri knew it was time to leave.

He still had so much on his mind – and even more with that unneeded visit.

Victor was still angry at him. Victor was struggling to see past that red haze and Yuuri really wished Victor had gotten through that by now. But what hurt even more, was that Victor missed him. Victor wanted Yuuri back but he still stayed away, not even trying to give Yuuri a message to work things out.

And Yuuri couldn’t stop thinking about the pain those other souls were going through too. The heavy ache pulled in his gut as a paralyzing hurt spread through his body. It was his fault. He wanted to make things better but instead, he made it worse.

Yuuri had a lot to think about.

His brain slowly came to as he found himself on his feet before he carelessly dropped his weight on a mountain top, far from life and existence itself. Reality made its way into Yuuri’s mind. Those souls were hurting and he was helpless, unable to do anything.

The silence was strange on that hilltop. There was an absolute stillness where no air stirred the grass, where no water dripped or flowed, or a single movement was seen in his vision. Everything was still, but Yuuri could hear was the silent howl of the winds above him, whistling through his ears and reminding him that time, life, and souls existed.

He wished it wasn’t a reminder, but he can’t seem to escape life no matter how hard he tried.

He knew he shouldn’t have saved those souls. At the time, it was an irresponsible choice he made without thinking twice about it. He did it, he caused a consequence, and now he had to deal with the weight on his shoulders and wait for each soul to be targeted. It was his own fault. He only had himself to blame.

The Universe had an order for a reason and its order require those souls to meet their fate. Otherwise, chaos is guaranteed. When a soul needs to die, it had to die for the sake of order and control. Yuuri knew that. But he didn’t understand why the Universe got to make that choice. A soul’s fate is their death and Yuuri was not in control of that. He felt he should be. He was Death himself, he should hold the power of controlling death as well as the afterlife.

But at the same time, Yuuri _was_ death and he should have let those souls die when they were supposed to. He shouldn’t have saved anyone. He wasn’t supposed to save anyone. His existence was to end – to allow things to die. His role was to guide and show those who couldn’t move on themselves the way to go. He kept an order in the Universe.

And yet, he didn’t want to do that. He didn’t want to let things die anymore. He wanted to save them. He wanted to give second chances and give souls the lives they deserve.

Saving Victor was different to saving those other six souls. Victor had opened up a whole new world to Yuuri. He introduced Yuuri to emotions and love and everything that made him who he was now. And to think, when Yuuri saved Victor, he didn’t realize he was doing it. He didn’t know he was accidentally stopping him from falling to his fate. He didn’t know he was talking Victor out of a death that should have been. He had no idea. Victor was different.

Because where Yuuri didn’t know he was saving Victor, he knew he was helping those other souls. He knew he shouldn’t have done it. He shouldn’t have changed their fates and saved them, but he did.

He was a terrible excuse of Death.

He had been asking for far too much. He was going against something bigger than him. He was constantly fighting this losing battle and he didn’t even know why he was still continuing to try. It was a pointless attempt and he had already lost. He lost even more than that. He lost Victor, too.

All he wanted was for Victor to be back in his arms. He wanted to pretend that everything was okay and pretend that the heavy weight on his back wasn’t there anymore. He would say he wanted everything to be back to normal, but there was no back to normal. There was either him continuing to keep himself being Death a secret, or him keeping the consequence from Victor. And neither of them he was going to do anymore. There was no ‘normal’ for him to wish for.

He was more than a terrible excuse of Death. He was a terrible excuse of a human, too.

He just wanted to do the right thing. But the right thing was the wrong choice in his world. It was the wrong option and he’s done more than just mess things up for himself, but for six other souls that didn’t ask to be involved.

He missed Victor. When Victor was with him, the pain stopped. It stopped burning away at his every thought and everything felt okay. It was tough times but Yuuri still loved him. Yuuri loved him so much and he would come running back in an instant if Victor needed him. But he messed it up, much like everything he did. He failed to be the lover Victor needed and Yuuri… he wanted nothing more than to be the one to save Victor.

And the walls that held Yuuri up, keeping him standing strong, suddenly collapsed.

He felt the tears down his cheeks before the sob broke free from his lips. He pressed his head against his trembling hands, desperate to keep his emotions under control but with each sob that wrecked through his body, he found it harder and harder. Even with the base of his palms against his eyes, he couldn’t stop shaking. He couldn’t stop crying.

But why was he crying?

Yuuri thought this was pathetic. It was his own fault and crying was going to do nothing. It wasn’t going to get his Victor back. It wasn’t going to stop those consequences from happening or make the Universe pity him. It was going to do nothing. He was Death. He was a guide in the afterlife – a protector of souls. He shouldn’t be sitting there, crying over what he had done. He should be fixing it. Crying made no sense. It solved nothing.

He sucked in a deep breath and wiped the tears from his eyes. He wasn’t going to let this get to him. He had only one option and that was to fix everything he did wrong. He was Death himself. He may not hold the powers the Universe had, but he had his own. He had abilities. He could fix this.

There wasn’t anything he could do about the souls he helped. He could only hope that they find the will to fight against the consequence and keep their lives continuing. If he wanted to stop the consequence, he would have to end their lives himself, but he wasn’t going to do that. He wasn’t a killer. He only guided. He just wished they didn’t have to deal with the suffering that he caused.

He had to accept that burden.

But he refused to accept losing Victor. He would never let him go. He wasn’t going to let Victor drift away from him because Victor didn’t want to speak to him. They had to face this. They had to discuss their problems, face their fears, and talk about what they wanted from each other if they wanted to get anywhere else in their relationship.

Yuuri loved Victor too much to let him go that easily.

Yuuri was going to surprise him. He was going to blow his mind and do something Victor would never expect him to do. And as Yuuri stood on two feet, he could only think of one place to go – and one person who could help him.

He was going to get Victor back.

“Yuko,” Yuuri said as he saw the young woman. He walked towards her as she turned to him, smiling and waving. “Yuko, I have a favor to ask of you.”

He had a plan and if everything went right, he would have Victor on the ice once again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've had a very busy week, and not only did I fall ill but I lost my voice too!  
> It's been one hell of a week and it hasn't even ended yet.
> 
> But here I am, getting this chapter up two days late which I apologize for. I'll have more free time soon and I'm also starting to get better so the updates should be back to normal soon!  
> Not that it would matter because we are VERY close to the end! Next chapter is going to be in Victor's point of view and then... *drumroll* The end! (At least, I plan it to be!)  
> I hope you guys are excited for the end! It'll be the grand finale and the answer to everything! - and I mean, e v e r y t h i n g. I can't believe we're nearly there! I hope you're all excited too! <3
> 
> Also look at that, I've hit 200k words!  
> (May have some art on the way soon for both hitting 200k and the last chapter!)
> 
> I hope to see you all there! ｡:.ﾟヽ(´∀`｡)ﾉﾟ.:｡+ﾟ


	34. Chapter 34

 

 

Victor had never known himself to feel so angry before.

He had gotten frustrated a few times. Such as his flight being delayed, or had gotten angry at Yuri a few times for something he had said or assumed. He had been angry before, but never like that.

Anger had boiled deep in his system – hotter than lava as it churned within him. But it wasn’t just anger. It was hurt and betrayal and no matter how angry Victor was, he couldn’t stop himself from crying. No matter how hard he tried or how often he reminded himself that he was supposed to be angry at Yuuri – not sad – he could never stop the tears from falling down his cheeks and his stomach tugging from his hurt.

Victor was in a strange cycle of emotions the first week Yuuri spent away from him. The absence of Yuuri brought back his sorrows that made him weep. But because he cried, that made him frustrated and his frustration in himself made him angry. The anger that burned all over him reminded Victor of Yuuri and his anger towards him – Victor would cry all over again.

It was a constant cycle but Victor couldn’t help it.

And as another week went by, the anger finally broke through with a force and it was too much for Victor to handle. The pressure from his rage forced him to think of things he did not mean. It made him wish for certain misfortunes and sorrow. But Victor knew he didn’t mean it. He would never truly with who what he had done.

His anger was almost an unstoppable force and it was getting to him more than it should. Victor was angry and he was hurt and it was all from the one person who was supposed to help him. Yuuri had been with Victor for months and all that time, he knew exactly why Victor was failing and how it was going to end. He didn’t think to tell Victor before it did. And that was what hurt Victor. That was what made him feel so hurt and betrayed and the only way he could express that was through his anger.

Yuuri destroyed the one thing he needed to succeed in to feel better. Yuuri ruined his career and took it away from him. He ripped Victor’s life away from what was supposed to be his medicine – his cure to his misery and heartache and he threw it on the ground like it was a piece of trash, looking down at it as if it was nothing but a mere game to him.

Victor didn’t care that Yuuri said he wasn’t a God because he was. And he played Victor’s life like a game; manipulating and changing it whatever way he wanted.

When the third week Victor spent away from Yuuri slowly came in, Victor began to calm down a little. His anger was still there, burning inside him like an unstoppable force, it began to slowly fade. It was nothing more than a little spark of annoyance that would make him, at most, frustrated. But his anger had quietened down more than he thought.

Yuuri had stopped him from dying that night. He was supposed to die and that send a shiver down Victor’s spine. If Yuuri hadn’t stopped him, there was so much he would regret. There was so many things he hadn’t done or said and if he were to have died, he would have died knowing he didn’t do what he should have.

He had a few words he wanted to say.

That was how he found himself lying back on his bed with his phone in hand, trembling with nerves over making a phone call. It was just a call. He knew he would be fine. But his reassurance only did so much for his nerves. He chewed on his lip, staring up at the phone and forced himself to press the call button.

There was a ring. And another. And a third. And –

“Vitya?”

Victor let out a breath. “Hi, Yakov.” He then cleared his throat. He didn’t realize how shaky it was until he spoke.

Yakov caught on. “Vitya, is everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah…” He paused. Nothing was okay, but Yakov didn’t need to know that. “Well, I’m as okay as I can be. I’ve just… I’ve been thinking a lot, recently.”

There was a long silence and Victor roughly counted to eight before he heard Yakov reply, “You’re not feeling… I mean, you don’t want to – you’re not still depressed, are you?”

There was something Victor never realized about reactions to his depression. They always thought it was a fast recovery. It was never a fast recovery. Victor wasn’t going to be ‘not depressed’ for a long time. He could be well, but his depression would always hang on for a while longer.

He wished he would stop being asked if he was ‘still depressed’.

“I mean, I’ll still be depressed for a while but I am feeling better,” Victor replied and he heard Yakov let out a relieved sigh. “But if you’re asking if I’m feeling suicidal, I can tell you that’s a no. I just wanted to talk.”

“There’s something wrong, isn’t there?”

He seemed to be easier to read nowadays. “Yes, I… I’ve been…” And Victor didn’t know what to say. He had the words in mind but they didn’t know how to form a sentence. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. And he knew where to begin. “Yakov, I’m sorry.”

There was a silence. “For what?”

“For everything,” Victor said as he rolled onto his side. His hands grasped at his pillow, pulling it down to cuddle it awkwardly. “I’m sorry I’ve been nothing but a pain to you. I know I can be selfish and stubborn and uncooperative but you dealt with it. You went through so much stress because of me but you still stayed by my side and I… I thank you so much for that. But I never said sorry for the way I treated you, so I’m sorry.”

“Vitya, you still are a complete pain but I wouldn’t take back those years you were my student. And I will not take back these months where you aren’t. I’m just curious…” Yakov then paused to think. “What brought this on?”

Too much for Victor to explain in one phone call. So much that half of it, Victor couldn’t say without letting Yakov know Yuuri was Death. But there was something Victor knew he could say, and it was the main reason why he made the call to begin with. “I realized if I were to die soon, there would be a lot I would want to say to you that I never did. And I don’t want to die knowing I had regrets.”

There was a strange view Victor had on death and it was all because of Yuuri. He once thought that death wasn’t kind. That it snatched whatever it could, and took people who were far too young or far too good. It didn’t pretend to care about the lives of people. It took and took, but it never gave. That was what he once believed.

He had never been more wrong.

Death held him with cold hands that warmed his heart. He held him with an emotionless stare that slowly turned into a comforting gaze. Victor did not fear death. He didn’t fear his inevitable end or what death might do or where he would take him because Victor knew. Victor knew when he will die, he would meet his love. He would meet the man who would carry him and his burning soul into rest while his body would lie beneath the cold, damp dirt in the earth. Death was thoughtful. Death was painful.

“You’re not going to die, Vitya.”

But Death was the painful truth and maybe Victor shouldn’t have been so angry.

“You’re right. I won’t,” Victor stated, firmly and with truth. “Thank you for everything, Yakov.”

And when Victor’s fourth week away from Yuuri came around, he could only think of himself as one thing: a complete and stupid idiot.

He was an idiot. He was the worst lover to Yuuri and he was the worst human being to have walked along his planet. He was in a strange mix of emotions, one where he couldn’t exactly explain how he felt because he was feeling too much.

He was still somewhat angry, but he didn’t direct that anger towards Yuuri anymore. When he thought of Yuuri, he didn’t find his fists clenching or his anger burning. He felt an empty pit inside his heart – a deep and painful hole that desperately needed to be filled. His heart was like a lock and Yuuri was the key. They complimented each other that way. They worked well together, helping each other in ways nobody else could.

And Victor threw that away.

He began to feel lonely again. The absence inside his home was nothing but a constant reminder of a time where he was at his lowest – a time where he wanted it all to end and Victor didn’t want that. He started to pretend that Yuuri was there, watching over him while invisible. He couldn’t feel Yuuri anymore – not since he arrived that morning and Victor had sensed him, but Victor liked to pretend.

He was also guilty. He felt nothing but guilt towards the way he treated Yuuri and what he had said to him. He should have known that after learning Yuuri was Death that he wouldn’t know how to be a human, that he would make mistakes and needed to learn. Victor should have just told him what he did wrong and let Yuuri learn, but instead, he screamed and shouted at Yuuri – accusing him with false accusations and being so rough on him. Yuuri didn’t know. Yuuri was trying, but Victor ignored that.

Yuuri was Death and he stopped Victor from dying when he shouldn't have. Yuuri went against what he should have done and he saved Victor’s life. He should be honored that Death himself saved him – that Death himself thought he was worth the second chance and went against all odds to keep Victor alive. And he did more. He stayed with Victor, helped him, fell in love with him…

Victor was guilty. But he was lonely and angry and hurt and he didn’t know what was real or what made sense anymore.

But the conversation he had with Yuri knocked some sense into him. Yuri was right, Yuuri did him a favor. Yuuri didn’t deserve what Victor had said to him. He didn’t deserve to be cast to the side, forgotten while Victor cried and wept over something that was his own fault.

The pain from his failure in his career and the pain he felt from Yuuri’s absence were the same. They hurt so much. But Victor came to realize something. His career was always going to be temporary. His career was going to end someday but Victor never saw it. And Yuuri – Yuuri was forever.

His Yuuri was worth more than some stupid career.

And as Victor lied on his back against the comforter on his bed, staring at the golden rings that he held in his hands, he reminded himself why he brought them. They were more than just his promise. They were a new gold medal. They were the gold he never thought he would receive. But unlike the others, this one he would treasure forever.

His medals were a thing of the past. The rings in hand were his future. And they were better than a gold medal. It was a dedication of their love. They were no expectations or fears, no rivalries or competitions. They were his life. He had found his life.

He needed to speak to Helen. He needed to make sense of his own emotions.

~

“So, Victor,” Helen said as she stared towards Victor, her hands in her lap and a curious brow raised. “You wanted to speak to me about something important, am I right?”

There was so much Victor wanted to talk to Helen about. Too much, even. But he had a specific subject. “Yes. I wanted to talk to you about mine and Yuuri’s argument, why I chose time alone, and what to do to get better,” He informed her and she nodded. Victor then had a sudden reminder and he added, “But I want to do it without telling you what it was that Yuuri did.”

Helen held her stare for a moment. She took a deep breath as if to prepare herself. “… That will certainly be a challenge, but I’m up for challenges.”

“Good,” Victor smiled. There were a few seconds that followed that was filled with silence and Victor didn’t know what to say. “So, uh, where do I start?”

“Where do you want to start?”

Victor shrugged. “I don’t know. That’s why I asked you.” He thought that would have been obvious, but Helen always asked questions like that.

Helen pressed her pen to her mouth as she stared off into the distance, deep in thought. She let out a hum before saying, “Well, we could begin with you telling me what you want out of this discussion and we can work our way from there.”

Victor struggled to answer. He wanted a realistic goal. While he wanted Yuuri to come back and have everything be fine and their argument to be forgotten, he knew that was nothing but wishful thinking. But he did have something he could see himself doing. “I want to be able to text Yuuri and have him come back home.”

“So you have forgiven him?” Helen asked with a raised brow.

“Yes and no,” Victor then pressed his lips together, wondering if that was the right answer. “I’m still hurt by what he did, but it hurts more knowing he’s gone. I took my anger out on him and he didn’t deserve that.”

“Why do you think you took it out on him?” She asked.

Victor wanted to say because he was a bad person, but that would only divert the conversation. He wanted to stay on topic. “I don’t really know,” He said, staring down at the floor with his brows dropped heavily. He felt like he knew but he doubted himself. “I think everything that happened with my career and the fact that I wanted to commit suicide because of it made me feel angry that I couldn’t succeed, but when Yuuri told me that… that secret, I think I just exploded and my anger got the better of me.”

“You could have possibly self-destructed,” Helen suggested. Victor definitely felt like he exploded in some way. “Because during that moment of rage and anger, you didn’t care if you ruined a relationship. You just needed to get that anger out.”

“That’s what it felt like,” Victor said as he recalled their argument. He didn’t think once about how Yuuri felt. He just needed to get his anger out. “And I still feel a little angry. I shouldn’t feel like this because I understand why he did what he did. I understand and I’m thankful but I’m just… angry.”

“It’s okay to be angry,” Helen reminded. Victor took a deep breath and nodded. “And maybe you’re mistaking your anger?”

Victor blinked. “What do you mean?”

“Perhaps you’re seeing your anger towards him when really, your anger is towards yourself?” She suggested then added, “Or maybe towards your career. Had you thought of that?”

“No. I always thought I was just mad at Yuuri.” Victor stayed silent as he stared down at the ground, getting his mind to work. He didn’t think about that and maybe that was why Victor had been so angry. He wasn’t just angry at Yuuri – he was angry at everything else, too. “Maybe I’m angry at my career because I failed it – that I couldn’t succeed that final time when I wanted.”

“What do you mean by maybe?” Helen asked, pressing Victor to explain.

“I’m angry that Yuuri kept that secret from me. It was big and he should have told me sooner… but now I think about it, maybe he had his reasons too.” Yuuri didn’t do things without a reason. He knew Yuuri and Yuuri always had a reason to do something, even if he didn’t know what the reason was. “I wasn’t in the right place for a long time and maybe he did it just so I didn’t get worse.”

“Maybe that’s something you should ask Yuuri?” Helen suggested.

Victor sighed heavily. “I need to talk to him, don’t I?”

“I think that would help you a lot,” Helen said as she nodded. “You’ve calmed down, at least you’ll be able to listen to him.”

But he didn’t know if Yuuri would listen to him. There was a fear that settled in the pit of his stomach and the back of his mind and Victor couldn’t control his thoughts. What if Yuuri didn’t want him back for what he said? What if Yuuri realized the spirit world needed him more? What if Yuuri had forgotten about him and he was going to leave again and never come back?

Victor bowed his head. “I’ve messed things up.”

“I very much doubt that.”

He knew she was probably right, but his mind was fighting against him. “You know, even though I was angry and… I yelled and hurt him… I still love him,” Victor said as he raised his head, meeting Helen’s stare. “I love him so much. Why would I do that to somebody I love?”

“Couples have arguments, Victor,” Helen reminded. “And in the heat of an argument, we can say things we don’t mean and would never say. It’s how anger works.”

Victor wished it didn’t. He wished anger didn’t make him want to hurt and say such horrible words. He wanted to feel nothing but love and happiness and pretend those problems didn’t exist. “I love him. I shouldn’t have let that anger get to me. I mean, I’m angry that he didn’t tell me, but I was angrier that it related to my career.”

“Perhaps that is what you’re angry at now?” Helen suggested. “That your career has come back and hurt you once again?”

And then Victor really thought about it and realized his career had yet again, caused even more heartache. It came pounding back with little mercy, hitting Victor with such force that it hurt Yuuri too. His career didn’t just hurt him, but it hurt Yuuri as well. “My career has hurt me so much.”

Helen cocked her head to the side. “And what do you think now?”

Victor took a deep breath. Now his head was cleared, he felt like he could make sense of things. “There was once a life for me in figure skating, but Yurio said something to me the other day that made me think.” Helen raised a brow, waiting for Victor to continue. “Yurio said that maybe Yuuri’s arrival was the reason I failed skating. Which makes sense. Ever since Yuuri came into my life, I just dropped. But then Yurio said that maybe he did me a favor.”

“Do you think Yuuri did?” Helen asked.

Victor had no doubt anymore. “Yes,” He nodded. “His arrival was a sign that it was time for me to stop. But I ignored that sign and I made everything worse for myself. But while Yuuri knew that, he stayed with me. He tried to help me and I should have focused on that. My career ended my life… but Yuuri gave it back to me.”

“Yuuri saved your life.” Helen smiled and Victor couldn’t help but agree with her. Yuuri did so much for him.

All through the end of his career, Yuuri was there for him. Yuuri was there when Victor had his breakdowns, when Victor needed somebody to help ease the pain in his heart, and when everything was too much and he needed to switch off. Yuuri didn’t cause him pain. He may have been angry that Yuuri kept such a big secret from him, he realized now his anger wasn’t towards Yuuri. It was because of his career.

“I’ve been thinking…” Victor spoke on autopilot. His mind was speaking for him. “My career isn’t worth the heartache if it came between me and my life. I don’t want it to continue to hurt me. I’m retired. I’m done. It shouldn’t be doing so but it is – and I think it’s because I couldn’t let go.”

“And what about now?” Helen asked.

“Now I have more to live for,” Victor said as a faint smile slowly stretched on his lips. He had so much more to live for. “I have a future with somebody that makes me happy. I have a life ahead of me full of new surprises and happiness and I can’t wait for it. My career is over. And I’m glad. It’s done and gone and I don’t care about it anymore. I can live for the first time in years and I’m excited to see that life and live it with Yuuri.”

There was a warm smile on Helen’s face and Victor wondered maybe he was finally there. “Do you think maybe this is a major goal you’ve accomplished?” She suddenly asked. “To me, it sounds as if you’ve accepted your career end and began to love yourself more.”

Victor couldn’t tell if he accepted its end or not. “I still hate the end.”

“That is normal,” She said. “It didn’t end the way you wanted. Anyone would hate the end if that was the case.”

“Then I would say yes. I’ve accepted it’s ended,” Victor replied. If that was the case, he had definitely accepted it. “I’m not pleased with how it ended but I think now I can finally move on. As for loving myself, that’s… a struggle at times but I’m getting there. I love myself more than I did before.”

“Give me some examples. Let’s work this out.”

Victor took a deep breath. “I don’t see myself as Victor Nikiforov – living legend and six-time Grand Prix gold medallist,” He began. Helen kept her gaze fixed as she listened carefully. “I see myself as… as more. I’m Victor Nikiforov, retired figure skater, lover, and friend. Perhaps one day I could add Katsuki at the end of my name and call myself a father too – whether that’s to a child or another dog. And even though that’s all pretty ordinary, I’m excited about it. I’m so excited that – look!” Victor’s hand delved into his pocket, pulling out the two gold rings and showing it to Helen.

“You’re married?” Helen asked, eyes wide with surprise.

“Not married. This was the promise you told me about,” Victor reminded her. She was the one who told him about making a promise. Those rings were his promise. “It’s what we are to each other and I wanted this to represent who we are and what we will be. When you look at these rings, what do you see?”

He needed to hear what Helen thought. Helen pursed her lips as she stared at the rings, deep in thought. “I see them as a devotion to your futures with each other.”

“See, that’s what they’re supposed to be seen as to you and everyone else. But it’s how they’re seen between me and Yuuri that’s different,” He said as he picked up his ring, passing it over to Helen. Her eyes scanned over it but her focus became stilled as she read the engravement inside. “See that engravement? This is my trust means I’m giving all of my trust to Yuuri. I’ve given him so much trust throughout these months, more than I have ever given someone before. And Yuuri’s one –” He passed her Yuuri’s ring. She went straight to looking at the engravement inside. “This is my promise. That’s Yuuri’s. He’s given me his promises and he’s stuck by every single one. He promised to stay with me. He promised to meet me at the airport the first time I traveled with him in my life and I trusted him to meet me there. He’s given all his promises, and I’ve given him my trust.”

“These are very sweet, Victor,” Helen said softly, smiling warmly at the rings before handing them back to Victor. “You seem to be happy.”

“I am. I… This is what makes me happy,” Victor said, holding up the rings. “I have more to live for now. I have more than some god damn career that hurt me. A career that not only took my life away from me, but nearly ended it too. How could I… how could I want to continue living that life when there was more for me outside of it?”

“When we have a goal, sometimes it’s hard for us to see past it,” Helen explained. Victor felt it made sense. It didn’t explain everything, but it was enough to have him think. “You don’t see yourself as Victor anymore?”

He wondered if she was talking about Victor Nikiforov, figure skating legend, or just Victor, the one Victor really didn’t want to be a while ago. He assumed she meant figure skating legend Victor. “No,” He said, shaking his head. “Well, I was once that Victor. But that Victor is my past and I’m now in the future. I shouldn’t be looking back. I’m not exactly the person I want to be, but… I’m closer to that person than I ever was before.”

“What kind of person did you want to be?”

It was an easy answer. “Happy.”

“Is that the person you are now?” Helen asked and Victor had to stop and think.

“When this problem between me and Yuuri gets sorted then I would have to say…” He paused. “Yes. I will be that person.”

Helen’s smile was nothing but genuine. She seemed proud of Victor and Victor was proud of himself too. “That is amazing to hear, Victor.”

It wasn’t all. Victor may soon be the person he wants to be, but there was a major problem in the way of that. “But I can’t be happy if I’ve turned away from the person that helped me find that happiness, can I?”

“You know, Victor,” Helen began and Victor held his breath. “I think you’re going to be okay.”

Victor recoiled back in his seat, startled by Helen’s words. “It must mean a lot if you say that. I think so too.”

Helen gave a single nod before saying, “There is only very little you have to do to achieve all of your goals, you know.”

Victor had forgotten about his goals. Helen mentioned them often in previous sessions but he didn’t concentrate on them. He just wanted to concentrate on improving himself and getting better. But knowing that he had little to achieve startled him. “There is?”

“I believe you’ve tackled your false identity. You’ve accepted who you are outside of skating and that is a major achievement, Victor.” Victor couldn’t help but let free his smile. He tried to bite it back, not wanting to look smug, but he was proud. He had achieved something he thought he couldn’t do. “I also believe you’ve learned to cope and handle your emotions. While that argument was explosive, I believe you’ve gone around it in a way that was healthy for you. You took time alone to think. You didn’t keep Yuuri with you for the sake of having him there. You thought about what you needed and what you needed to do to get yourself better. And look at you. You’ve accepted your wrongs. You’ve thought about it fully and that was even before my help. And as for your future career, you’ve come to a decision, haven’t you?”

Victor nodded. It wasn’t exactly what he wanted to do, but he could see himself settling in nicely. “I wanted to teach kids to skate”

“Is that still what you want to do?” Helen asked, making sure Victor stayed with his word.

“At the moment, it’ll do,” Victor paused. It’ll do for now, but there was more he wanted to do. “But I think I want to do a little more traveling first. After, then yes, I would like to teach a new generation of figure skaters.”

“That’s fantastic, Victor,” Helen said happily. “You know, you only have one more goal to achieve?”

Victor blinked. “I do?”

“It seems you have forgotten," Helen said and Victor tried to remember the last goal but it seemed to have faded from his mind. He recalled having a minor goal he and Helen worked on, but he couldn't remember it. That was until Helen said, “You still have yet to tell me what happened at Europeans.”

He had completely forgotten. Europeans felt like a lifetime away. “I can easily tell you that now,” He said. It was hard for him to say before, but he felt he was at a good place to speak about it easily and without any tears. “I got mad at Yuuri because I felt like he wasn’t accepting my choice in wanting to get to the Grand Prix, which was a stupid argument, now that I think about it. I think I told you about that part.”

Helen nodded. “You did.”

“Okay, well fast forward to the next day, Yuuri didn’t watch me skate and I failed.” That failure wouldn’t have been so bad if Yuuri was watching. It was knowing that Yuuri didn’t watch him that made Victor feel even worse. “I got angry and I yelled a lot about how I was on top and it was all being ripped away from me and… I called Yuuri my curse because even back then, I think I knew Yuuri was my sign to stop while I was ahead but I was refusing to accept it and then I begged to him that he should have let me die, that I wished I never met him, all of that crap that wasn’t true.”

Helen held her motionless expression. “And then?”

Victor took a deep breath. “I said I had enough and I stormed into the bathroom, grabbed a bottle of pills and I was going to swallow every last one. Well… I think I had the intention to but I hesitated to and I think I didn’t really want to die.” He tore his gaze away from Helen, focusing on the floor instead. “It was one of those… in the moment things where I couldn’t control my body. And after that, I started screaming things like “Why won’t you let me die?” and “Just let me die,” and all that stuff… I don’t mean it. But yeah. That was what happened at Europeans.”

Helen held her silence for a moment longer. She didn’t speak until Victor glanced up and she asked, “May I ask why it took so long to discuss?”

“It wasn’t one of my proud moments and I didn’t want to admit it. But now I don’t see why I should hide it.” He didn’t want to hide his depression or his attempts. He wanted to speak about it – not to get sympathy or pity, but to educate others. He shouldn’t be silent about depression. That was what it wanted him to do. “I will be honest, I would have told you a couple of months ago but I had just forgotten.”

Helen didn’t reply. She only gave a single nod and then the room fell into silence. Victor became fully aware of the room he was in, how it was his therapy session and what he was here for. And it made him think. “I’m curious,” He began. “I feel better about myself and everything around me. Do I still need to continue therapy?”

“Well, you came to see me because you wanted to cope and understand your depression as well as help you through your career, help you understand what to do and where to go,” Helen explained. Victor felt like he had done it. “Now that we have achieved your goals to your satisfaction, we can do either one of two things. We can work on another goal which could take just one session, or a few. Or we can wrap up therapy.”

“So it’s up to me?” Victor asked, suddenly feeling the full force of responsibility as Helen nodded. He couldn’t make that choice. He worried he would make the wrong one. “What do you think I should do?”

“My job is to ensure that your emotional needs are met outside of therapy,” She said. “Do you think therapy has helped you outside of this room?”

“Yes. I look at myself and I don’t recognize the person who I saw months ago on that cold December night.” He was a completely different person now and he couldn’t believe it sometimes. “I’m me, but I’m a new me. A new me that I like.”

Helen gave a smile. “I think you know what the answer is.”

And Victor was confident in his answer.

“I’m going to be getting even happier from this point on. All I need to do is get my Yuuri back,” Victor stated, loud and proud. He was going up and nothing could tear him down. He wasn’t going to let it – not anymore. His depression was a thing of the past and while it will still hit him, forcing him to stay in bed some days and make him feel as if he was drowning on others with no way of escape, just knowing that he made this kind of recovery, that he had made it this far… It gave him hope.

He wouldn’t have gotten here if Yuuri hadn’t saved him. He really needed to get Yuuri back.

“Thank you for everything,” Victor said as he met Helen’s eyes. She returned the smile. “I think without you, I might have still struggled to get myself better. I – Thank you. Really.”

“I do what I can, Victor. But I was only here to help you find that out yourself. Your recovery is all you.” Victor held some doubt, but hearing it made him feel giddy and happy. Helen then sat forward and waved her hand towards the door, motioning Victor to leave. “Now go! You have your lover to get to!”

He did. He had his lover. His Yuuri.

As he got to his feet and stepped through the door, he came to a sudden halt. He turned back around, poking his head around the doorframe and as Helen glanced up, he said, “When Yuuri and I get married, I’ll invite you to our wedding.”

“I’ll look forward to it,” Helen smiled and Victor finally left.

 

* * *

 

 

_Victor: I think it’s time we talk._

_Yuuri: I’m so happy you said that._

_Victor: I want to see you again. Will you come home?_

_Yuuri: Come to the ice rink, instead._

_Victor: … Yuuri… that isn’t exactly where I want to be right now. I’d rather talk to you at our home._

_Yuuri: I promise it’ll be worth it. The ice rink that you used to skate to – please come here as soon as possible._

_Victor: I would say it’s not even open but with your magical teleporting skills, I can imagine locked doors are laughable to you_

_Yuuri: Are you on your way?_

_Victor: Yes. I’ll be there in 10._

_Yuuri: 10 hours? Minutes?_

_Yuuri: Victor? I don’t understand that. 10 steps? 10 seconds? 10 o’ clock?_

_Yuuri: Victor?_

_Victor: Minutes, Yuuri! Minutes!_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was thinking of skipping this chapter and going straight to the end, but this chapter was important for Victor. It's a look into his recovery and how far he's gotten. He's made a major step and this was important to show you guys where Victor is and a little into how Victor was feeling during their time apart.
> 
> But *Screams* We're one chapter away from the end! I hope you're all excited for the finale! I do plan the chapter to be longer than usual. There's so much I need to write to finalize everything but I hope it'll be a satisfying ending! I'm super excited to get it out and let you guys finally, /finally/, get the answers you've all been waiting for. It'll be the end and everything will tie together!
> 
> But still, thank you to everyone who has stayed this far and read through every update and every chapter!  
> I hope you see you all in the final chapter (Which I won't say is in 2 days. I need time to make it as best as possible!) Thank you!! <3 ♥(ˆ⌣ˆԅ)
> 
>  
> 
> (ALSO! I didn't get much time to read through this chapter, so there may be a few mistakes. I will go back to that when I have time! Thank you!)


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here's an extra long chapter for the grand finale! ღゝ◡╹)ノ♡

 

And the day Yuuri was waiting for had finally arrived.

The wait was nothing but painful. His eyes were constantly falling on the clock what seemed like every minute and he knew it would only make it worse, but he couldn’t seem to stop. He knew time could neither speed up or slow down no matter how often he glanced at the clock.

He had been on the ice for a while now, skating in circles to keep himself busy. No matter what he did to distract his mind, he couldn’t stop the trembling in his legs. He had feared falling over. And after a while, he found a lot of interest in playing with his nails but resisted his urge to nibble and bite at them. He was feeling nervous.

He knew he should feel calmer than he does. Victor had been the one to ask to talk which had to be a good thing. Victor must have forgiven him or at least calmed down enough to talk to Yuuri about how he was feeling. It had to be good.

But the fear and doubt that struck his chest made him contemplate the possibility that Victor hadn’t forgiven him. Victor could easily still be angry at Yuuri. He could make the choice today to never want to see Yuuri again. And Yuuri would be left with nothing but unanswered questions and a broken heart that would never heal, no matter how many years he continued to live on.

But it was going to be fine. Yuuri was sure of it.

Yuuri wondered if asking him to the ice rink was too much. Victor hadn’t skated once since his fall at Worlds. He had even been actively avoiding stepping foot into a rink – even when needing to see Yakov, he would find an excuse to not get back on that ice. Yuuri feared this could make or break their relationship. But if Victor didn’t want to go, he would have said no.

And Victor didn’t say no.

“Yuuri?”

Yuuri skidded to a halt. He let Victor’s voice soak in as he turned. His eyes met Victor’s and they didn’t turn away. Victor held a soft smile on his lips and Yuuri didn’t dare hold back his own. He felt a giddy warmth rush through him. The last time they saw each other, Victor was hurting. His held no life in his eyes and no smile. He kept his gaze away, unable to look Yuuri in the eye. But now…

“Victor.”

Victor had changed.

His face that once held pain and sorrow through a tough frown had softened. His eyes had grown radiant, filling with life and love once again. Yet his eyes were not the only part that shined brightly. It was his soul, too.

It still continued to be stuck alongside the grainy dark ache that reminded Victor of his failures and doubts, but its shine was livelier than Yuuri had ever seen before. And its biggest change was how it felt. There was an acceptance that nestled itself soundlessly, finding peace being upfront. It pushed back Victor’s self-doubt and hatred and as Yuuri stared in awe, he wondered what it was that had changed. Did Yuuri do this by asking him to the rink? Did Victor accept himself?

Yuuri didn’t know, but Victor was… happy.

“Of all the places you could have asked to meet…” Victor began as he walked closer to the side of the rink. “I do wonder why you asked me to meet you here.”

Yuuri skated towards him, stopping before he got to the barrier. He took a deep breath, trying to ease the nerve-wracking tug in his chest. It did nothing to help but it was worth the try. Yuuri then pointed to the side and said, “Put those on, please.” Victor turned to look, his eyes falling on a pair of skates.

Victor glanced between Yuuri and the skates before asking, “Why?”

Yuuri gave a warm smile. “Come and skate with me.”

Victor held his stare as he began to chew on his bottom lip. He was uncertain as reluctance washed through his face. Yuuri had hoped he wouldn’t be so reluctant in skating again, but he knew it was a possibility. “Yuuri, I don’t really…” Victor trailed off. “I don’t really want to skate. I just want to talk.”

“And we will,” Yuuri said with a nod. “But join me on the ice. It’s just you and me here, Victor. Nobody else but us.”

Yuuri could see the temptation in Victor’s eyes as he stared across the rink. Yuuri hoped that Victor could be influenced by both Yuuri’s suggestion in skating together and reminding himself that he had to get on the ice at some point. If Victor wanted to teach kids to skate, he couldn’t do that avoiding the rink. It had been a while since Victor had skated and he could never stay away from the ice for too long.

But Victor was still uncertain and Yuuri decided to try something else.

“I did try to learn a routine but it’s a lot harder than I thought…” Victor gave a faint laugh and Yuuri smiled at him as well as his memories. It was more than just harder. It was keeping his balance while trying to dance on the ice. It was doing spins and working on a step sequence. It was too hard and Yuuri couldn’t do it. “So, uh, instead of learning for us to pair skate, I thought why not just keep it simple and we just… skate. Like how everyone else does?”

Victor held his stare and gave a single blink. “You want me to just skate?” He asked. It was as if nobody had ever asked him that before – but then Yuuri realized it was probably true. “Like, no jumps or spins? You want me to… to just skate?”

“Yes. This is for fun,” Yuuri said. “There is no competition or judges to score our skating. This is just us, alone, and having fun. We’re just goofing around and skating with each other because isn’t that how it should be? Skating should be fun and enjoyable, not… hurtful.”

Victor dropped his gaze and Yuuri knew what he was thinking. Yuuri took a step closer.

“I hurt your career. I took away something that meant a lot to you and I am sorry I should have told you sooner.” Victor crossed his arms and turned his gaze to the side. Yuuri continued. “You were right. A lot of this could have been avoided if I did… but I didn’t and I am sorry.”

Yuuri didn’t dare turn away, needing to keep his eyes fixed on Victor. He watched Victor take a deep breath, closed his eyes for a moment before finally opening them to meet Yuuri’s. He didn’t say anything and Yuuri felt defeat. But he wasn’t going to give in and decided to continue. “But I want to try and give a little back,” He said, reminding himself of what he planned. “I can’t give it all, but I can try something small, can’t I?”

“Something small like just skating?” Victor asked silently, his voice sounded vulnerable.

Yuuri gave a nod. “Something small like just skating.”

Victor neither looked away or said anything. Their eyes locked as if it was their only form of communication. And when Victor’s eyes softened as a warm smile grew on his face, Yuuri knew without words that Victor accepted his request.

Victor turned to sit at the side, working to put the skates Yuuri had left for him. Yuuri felt a sudden excitement swim through him. He couldn’t wait to get Victor on the ice with just the two of them skating, hand in hand, and having the talk they should have had a while ago. He had been waiting for this moment for a while now.

Victor then stood up and moved towards Yuuri, ready to skate with him. Yuuri held out his hand. He felt Victor’s fingertips brush his hand, letting his fingers slip into Yuuri’s as their palms pressed against each other’s. Yuuri gave an assuring smile and Victor returned it. Victor then took a deep breath to prepare himself, stared down at the ice that was one step away, and took that first step.

When Victor’s blade touched the ice, he paused for a moment to reassure himself it was okay before taking another, stepping on the ice completely. He glided forward alongside Yuuri and it went fine. And his second glide went even better and Victor let out a laugh, skating beside Yuuri with the skill he always had. And Yuuri smiled back at him, happy that Victor was doing it.

Then Yuuri caught the glint of a blade where it shouldn’t have been and Yuuri reacted in an instant. His arms caught Victor as he fell backwards, nearly falling onto the ice if Yuuri hadn’t been there to help. Yuuri helped him back up, easing him back onto two feet.

Victor glanced up to look at Yuuri and Yuuri could see the defeat in his gaze. Victor sighed heavily as he shook his head to himself, tearing his gaze to the ground and said, “I can’t do this, Yuuri.”

“You’re doing it, Victor. You’re skating. A fall doesn’t matter here, okay?” Yuuri said and Victor swallowed hard. Yuuri could tell Victor knew he was right, but he still felt the strong sense of defeat. Yuuri squeezed his hand around Victor’s in hopes to reassure him as Yuuri said, “Let’s keep moving, yeah?”

There was a slight tremble in Victor’s hand as he skated alongside Yuuri, but he wasn’t going to let Yuuri down. The two continued their skate, only having to stop a couple more times because Victor stumbled or fell, and once because Yuuri had. But other than their falls, it was nothing interesting. They skated in circles, lapping around the rink once, twice, thrice – neither said a word. While their silence was peaceful and calming unlike the last time they had met, this wasn’t what Yuuri had wanted.

He had wanted the skating and he was so pleased that Victor agreed to join him. That was the first half of what he wanted. What he really needed was to talk to Victor. They had a lot they needed to discuss and while they finally felt comfortable in each other’s presence once again, their argument would always stay in mind unless it was spoken about.

And Yuuri was going to speak about it.

“I couldn’t stop you from being angry,” Yuuri spoke, his voice disturbing the silence with a light echo. “I could try but only you could do that.”

“I did ask to be alone for a reason,” Victor said before pausing. “Did… did it help you at all?”

It didn’t help him the same way it helped Victor, but it gave him a new perspective and it gave him time to think, so he nodded. “I thought about what you said when you told me to think about keeping secrets from you and you’re right.” Yuuri caught Victor staring at him from the corner of his eye. Yuuri kept his focus forward. “I… I should have never kept anything from you. You trusted me and I broke that trust. So, I’ve decided to never keep anything from you again.”

Yuuri turned to look Victor who was shaking his head. Yuuri didn’t understand. “I don’t need to know everything, Yuuri,” Victor said and Yuuri _really_ didn’t understand. “It’s okay to have your own personal secrets, but you just… need to realize what is a secret worth keeping and what is something you should tell somebody.”

Yuuri tried to think about it but he didn’t fully understand it. He could keep certain secrets but not all. He couldn’t work out what was okay for him to keep to himself and he couldn’t figure out who even decided what was right and what was wrong. He could make that decision but somebody else could think otherwise and Yuuri was really unsure how secrets worked. It was all too complex.

“Being human is complicated,” Yuuri stated.

“But you’re not human, are you?” Victor asked and Yuuri shook his head. “I guess you can get away with it a little.”

Yuuri didn’t want to hear that. “No… No, I can’t,” He bowed his head, shaking it. “I don’t want me being Death to excuse why I do things wrong. I want to learn from my mistakes and be honest. I don’t… I don’t want to be let off easy.”

He didn’t have the right to be excused of his mistakes. He was Death and that didn’t mean he could get away with everything because of who he was. He learned that the hard way. But now, he wanted to learn from those mistakes and be the best person he could ever be. And he couldn’t do that if he didn’t learn.

“Did you see me at all when I told you to stop?” Victor suddenly asked and Yuuri questioned which moment, but then Victor answered for him. “I mean after the second time when I sensed you?”

Yuuri was not going to lie to him but as the memories of what he had done flashed through his mind, he hesitated. He feared how Victor would react, but he had said he was going to be honest. He was sticking by his word. “I did,” Yuuri nodded. “Once. It was… I – I did something. I needed… I just needed to see you because I made this really, _really_ stupid mistake and I…”

Victor came to a stop and Yuuri did too. Yuuri stared at him and Victor’s eyes showed a kind, gentle concern. He laid his hand lightly on Yuuri’s arm and although it was such a simple gesture, Yuuri was soothed by it. “What happened?” Victor asked, his voice was so soft that even his own words calmed Yuuri.

And Yuuri struggled to find where to begin, because he didn’t know when it began in the first place. “I don’t know what came over me. I think it was – it was the guy I saw on that bridge.” At those words, Yuuri heard Victor’s breath hitch. “He was going to die the same way you wanted to and he… Victor, he looked like you. He wasn’t you but he looked so much like you and I just – I needed to stop him. I couldn’t let him die that way…”

Victor’s voice was silent as he asked, “You stopped someone else’s death?”

“I stopped his fate,” Yuuri corrected and Victor dropped. His expression and shoulders fell as he stared. But Yuuri didn’t stop there. “And the fate of five others, too.”

Instead of being met by anger and frustration, Victor showed nothing but compassion, even if he didn’t know what else to say other than, “Oh, Yuuri…”

“Without order, there is chaos. That is why I must let people die to their fate,” Yuuri stated loudly, but the thought of those people hurting because of him… “But I… I just want to help people.”

“And you can,” Victor said as he cupped Yuuri’s cheek, his thumb wiping away the tear that Yuuri didn’t realize had fallen. Yuuri doubted Victor’s words. He couldn’t possibly help someone if they suffered because Yuuri helped them.

“How can I?” He had to ask.

Victor paused. “I want to say that saving them was a good thing, but you and I both know it isn’t because of the consequence. I went through one myself and they’ll go through it too…” Victor stopped for a moment and Yuuri was pleased he did. He took a deep breath. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t help anyone. You said it yourself, sometimes a death has to be and I… I’ve accepted that. It is certainly easier accepting it about others rather than yourself, but I’ve had to accept that. But you can and you have helped people. You helped me. You help others when they are gone and you help them find peace. You make people feel less lonely, Yuuri. You do help people.”

Yuuri wanted Victor’s words to make him feel better, but they didn’t. “It doesn’t make up for what I did.”

“It doesn’t, no.” Victor shook his head and Yuuri was pleased he didn’t lie just to make Yuuri feel better. “But sometimes we have to live with those regrets. And we can live through that together, can’t we?”

Yuuri noticed Victor used the word together. He glanced up, meeting the warm blues of Victor’s eyes and Yuuri couldn’t keep his smile back. Victor wanted him back. It was such a silent way of saying so, but Yuuri knew Victor meant that. “Yeah,” Yuuri said as he nodded. “Together.”

Neither moved, only finding comfort in each other’s eyes. Then Victor moved his head closer to Yuuri’s and gently leaned in, kissing Yuuri’s warm lips. It was their first kiss in almost a month and they were unable to contain themselves any longer. Yuuri held Victor’s head in his hands and pulled him into another kiss filled with hunger and passion. Victor’s arms went around Yuuri’s body, pulling him close and feeling the curves of his physique beneath his fingertips.

When they pulled apart, Victor breathed in a shaky, shallow breath. There was the temptation to delve in for another but as Victor leaned in again, his feet gave out beneath him, slipping on the ice, and falling into Yuuri’s body instead. Yuuri worked on instinct, catching Victor again to stop him from falling to the ground.

And when Yuuri heard the light chuckle of Victor’s laugh, it was like music to his ears. “I feel like I’m learning to skate again,” Victor said as he got up to his two feet. “Except I was better than this when I first skated.”

“I was like a baby deer when I first skated,” Yuuri said with a smile.

Then Victor asked, “Since when did you learn how to skate?”

Yuuri glanced down at the skates on his feet as if to check he really was skating. He didn’t understand why he did that. “The girl who gave me my name owns a rink,” He said as he glided forward, deciding to resume skating again. “After I met you, I wanted to try and understand you so I tried teaching myself how to skate.”

Victor held his stare. “You did?”

Yuuri gave a nod. “I can’t understand it, Victor,” He met Victor’s eyes. “I don’t see it the same way you do. I tried, but I can’t.” There were just some things Yuuri didn’t think he would ever understand and skating was one of them. Whatever Victor saw in skating was something Yuuri couldn’t.

“That’s okay, Yuuri. I don’t see it the same way I used to either,” Victor murmured. He dropped his gaze to the floor as he paused for a moment. He then glanced up. “But the fact that you tried, I… thank you. You did it so you could help me, didn’t you?”

Yuuri was relieved that Victor saw it that way. “Yes,” He said.

“God, I’m… I’m the worst lover,” Victor sighed. Yuuri was ready to disagree – to argue against Victor’s words but Victor spoke before him. “I’m sorry for everything I said to you.”

Yuuri couldn’t blame Victor for what he said. Anger was such a difficult emotion to control. He couldn’t say that it was all Victor’s fault. “You did have the right to be angry.”

“I know. Helen said so,” Victor said and Yuuri wanted to thank Helen. “She also told me that we can say things that we don’t really mean when we’re angry. I said a lot that I don’t mean. I know you’re not experimenting with my life. I know it wasn’t some game. And I know you didn’t sit back and watch me suffer.” Victor came to a stop and Yuuri did too. They faced each other, hand in hand as Victor continued. “You tried to help me. You went against everything you knew to try and save me and I… I still don’t understand why you would choose me out of so many other souls but I’m… I’m glad you did. I don’t ever regret meeting you, Yuuri.”

Yuuri had to bite his lip to keep his emotions back. He wanted to cry but he also wanted to cheer and squeal with excitement. He had been so scared that he ruined everything for himself. “I feared you may never want me back after that argument.”

“I did tell you it wasn’t a break-up,” Victor reminded. Yuuri gave a nod. He remembered, but it had slipped from his mind multiple times. “You are still my lover and as long as we are still together, we have a future with each other.” Their smiles held love, trust and pure devotion to each other. Neither wanted to ever let the other one go.

“What did you do when I asked you to leave?” Victor then asked.

 “As soon as I left, I yelled at the Universe,” Yuuri remembered that conversation well.

Victor pulled a face. “That’s a little… difficult, don’t you think?”

“Oh, yes, extremely,” Yuuri agreed with a nod. “They talked to me but didn’t answer any of my questions I had and then they –”

“Wait, what?” Victor disrupted Yuuri’s sentence as he asked, “ _They_?”

Yuuri was certain he had told Victor the Universe was the one who speaks to Yuuri, but then he wondered if he ever explained that the Universe was much like Yuuri in a way. He should have explained that to avoid confusion.

“The Universe is a being too, much like me.” Victor’s wide eyes blinked. He didn’t know how to react, only able to stare as Yuuri continued to explain. “They hold no form like I do. They’re a spiritual form that is everywhere. They have to possess a spirit to have anything close to a form, unlike me, where I was given mine by the Universe.”

Victor didn’t react for a moment but when he did, he cleared his throat and stuttered, “And this was… He – she – uh, _they_ … Jesus, Yuuri, this is… The Universe is a…”

“Don’t think about it too much,” Yuuri said, “You won’t be able to handle the unfathomable description of the Universe and its existence. It would be like trying to imagine what you would feel inside a black hole. Think about it too much and it might drive you insane.”

“I’ll uh… I’ll avoid that…” Victor blinked hard before he rubbed his eyes with his hands. “God, that’s given me a headache.”

“Like I said, it’s a lot to think about.”

“It was easier accepting you were Death because of the whole… There are beliefs of Death being personified and I guess I was more used to the idea of Death possibly being a thing but not the Universe. That’s…” Victor cleared his throat. Yuuri understood Victor’s reasonings. Death was more of a known thing, seen much like a god in a way and humans were more used to the concept of a god. While the Universe was something universally known, imagining it as a physical thing that could communicate, speak, think, and experience, was something completely different.

“Just distract my mind, Yuuri,” Victor said as he let out a sigh. “What did uh, they… they not answer?”

“Do you remember me telling you there was something I forgot and something I was searching for?” Yuuri asked. Victor thought back before nodded. “Well, after I yelled at the Universe, they confirmed two things to me. The first was that I had forgotten your past. That was true. But I thought I was searching for who you really are but I was wrong. That’s not what I was looking for.”

Victor’s brows dropped. “Then what are you searching for?”

“Apparently, it’s something inside your soul,” Yuuri explained and Victor’s expression didn’t change. “Whatever that is… it’ll tie everything together. I’ll know more than before.” There was a silence that followed and the longer Victor stared at Yuuri with his unreadable expression, the more Yuuri needed to say something.

“The Universe never wanted us to meet,” He found himself saying. He caught Victor’s eyes widen and his mouth dropped open ever so slightly.

He blinked once, then again, before asking, “What?”

“They knew I was going to… become distant from them if we did meet and they wanted to stop that. So, they made your fate so you would die before we could.” Victor breathed in heavily through his nose. “Your fate was to die without meeting me but they didn’t expect me to have already… attached myself to you. And after that, they decided to help me by giving me those questions to find out myself why I attached myself to you.”

“What makes me so special that the Universe needed to get rid of me?” Victor asked, his brows dropped as a little anger rushed through him.

“I don’t think it’s what makes you special. I think it’s because of what you unknowingly did to me,” Yuuri explained and Victor’s expression softened. “I don’t fully understand the Universe like I used to, but that doesn’t matter. And neither do those questions, either.”

Victor raised an eyebrow. “Why not?”

“Because I don’t… whatever it is about you that made me change, I don’t need to know the answer to because whatever reason it was, I’m glad it happened,” Yuuri said and watched as Victor smiled lovingly. “I’m not here with you because I’m looking for answers to a question I’m not certain I can ever find. I’m here because I’m in love.”

Victor’s smile widened and Yuuri returned it. “And I’m in love too.” Yuuri felt like he was soaring high above the clouds, weightless against the pull of the atmosphere and as if he could achieve anything. He was looking at the love of his life – the love of his only life and he couldn’t comprehend that he was here. He was standing there in front of the one who loved him back and something about that thought seemed… impossible.

He had fallen in love.

“I have to ask you this,” Victor said as he swallowed hard. “You… you followed me around a little when I told you to leave, didn’t you?”

Yuuri wasn’t going to lie. He gave a nod. “Yes.”

“Did you… Did you see it?”

Yuuri’s brows dropped, unsure what it was that Victor meant. But it wasn’t until Victor reached into his pocket and Yuuri saw the rings glistening in the light that Yuuri realized he meant the rings. “Yes. I had seen them.”

“I don’t want you to think this is a proposal,” Victor said as he held one ring in each hand. “I… not yet, but someday we will. Let’s just…”

“I know they’re not a proposal,” Yuuri said with a smile. Victor’s eyes met Yuuri’s with a wide-eyed stare. He was startled that Yuuri knew that. But Yuuri was going to let Victor know more.

He took the ring with the engravement _This is my promise_ written inside. This was Victor’s ring – the one he should slip onto Victor’s finger. The one ring that held more than just his promises. They held all of Victor’s too. “This is all of my promises that I have given to you,” Yuuri said as he slipped the ring onto Victor’s finger. “I’ve promised so much to you, Victor. I promise to love you for every day that I see. I promise to think of you when I gaze upon every star and with every soul I help, I will think of yours. And I will continue to make promises to you for as long as you live because my promises are my word. And my word means more than life itself.”

Victor stared down at the golden band around his finger. There was a softness to his face and a light smile on his lips. “You certainly made that feel like a marriage proposal,” Victor joked and Yuuri smiled with him. He wasn’t aware he did that, but it couldn’t be bad. Victor then raised Yuuri’s hand and said, “But I guess I’m about to do the same thing.”

The feeling of the metal slipping onto his finger was cold but the warmth that spread through him was loving. “Like the engravement, this is my trust.” The ring sat on his finger as if it belonged. “I always thought trust must come before love, but it seemed love and trust arrived at the same time. I loved you the moment I realized I could trust you. There are a lot of people who I have given my trust to and they have abused it like it's theirs to control. But then I had given you my trust and you’ve done nothing but treasure it and care for it. Love is not just spoken, but lived, and you showed me that. Words cannot explain how much I trust you…. But I can show it to you. I can give you my trust, but also my promises too.

“And I will always do the same.” And Yuuri felt something. “I love you, Victor.

“I love you too.”

Their second kiss was just like their first – passionate and full of hunger. Yuuri had missed this. Yuuri missed the feeling of Victor’s lips against his own. He missed Victor touch. He missed Victor just being around him and he had almost forgotten how much it hurt being apart. He no longer felt the ache inside. He didn’t feel empty, missing the one person he needed. He was whole again. He was alive and breathing and he was there with Victor once again.

He never wanted to feel that pain ever again. And he was going to make sure Victor didn’t either.

As Victor pulled back, Yuuri eyed at the mischievous grin Victor had on his face and Yuuri wondered what it was he had planned. He gripped Yuuri’s hand, pulling him towards the center of the rink as he asked, “I thought we were supposed to be having fun?”

“I’d say we were having a lot of fun,” Yuuri said, referring to the kiss. His eyes met the ring on Victor’s finger. “It was a very romantic kind of fun.”

Victor smiled. “It was definitely a very romantic kind of fun, but I’m taking about a skating kind of fun.” He let go of Yuuri’s hand and moved to the side. “I challenge you to a spin off.”

Yuuri laughed loud. “I can’t do any spins, Victor!”

“Well, neither can I,” He said with a shrug. “Let’s see who can spin the most, yes?”

But neither kept track of how many spins they were doing. It was a complete mess. Yuuri had attempted to make it as similar to how the figure skaters could do it but he must have looked silly doing so by the loud laughter of Victor’s voice. Victor on the other hand, somehow managed to bump into Yuuri, knocking him down alongside him.

And then they raced each other around the rink, playing a game called ‘tag’ that Yuuri had never played and didn’t even know the rules of. But all he knew was that if he was ‘it’, he had to chase Victor and make him be ‘it’, and vice versa. He didn’t understand but the game was fun and by the end of it, they were laughing and giggling while lying on the ice. And it was fun and it was pure and the most fun Yuuri had in a while.

When the ice got too cold for Victor and their laughter had died down to the occasional giggle, Victor got himself up and helped Yuuri to his feet too. Yuuri couldn’t keep back his grin and neither could Victor by the way it reached his eyes, making them shine with a happiness that didn’t fade.

In their moment of silence, both were reminded of the fun they had, their commitment, and love for each other, and Victor was the first to say as he spoke below a whisper, “I love you so much, Yuuri.”

In an instant, he knew everything. He felt everything.

And then Yuuri saw it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Soulmates did not exist._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_But that did not mean souls couldn’t create a bond._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And Yuuri went back. Back in time to the ancient past where he was the only soul that existed. Back in time when the Universe was new and young and willing to create.

And the Universe spoke for him. The Universe was his voice, his sight, and his senses. Yuuri was looking through the eyes of the Universe.

The Universe knew how to create. But where there was life being made, there was nothing to end it either. The Universe was lost – uncertain on what to do and what to create to end their own creations. There had to be a cycle. There was life. But there was no end.

Their answer came from the first star that lived.

The first star to live was the first star to die. It collapsed on itself, ending its existence by itself. The Universe had never known something of its own creation to go against it. But during the stars end, the Universe felt something else. The star recreated, becoming nothing more than a small, star-like soul that held life. And that small soul was confused and scared, fearful to the existence around it.

The Universe pitied it.

But the Universe found its answer. Its own creations needed to end and while they ended, it could be reborn once again. And during the death of the star and the birth of a soul, the Universe felt an order was put in place. It felt its existence fitting in nicely. And when the Universe gazed upon that tiny soul, it knew what it wanted that soul to be.

That was the moment Death was created.

If souls were born from stars, then there would be trillions and the Universe had no use spending its time helping souls when their host died. The fear and confusion that the first soul felt, the Universe did not know how to help. And it had other things to tend to – such as the inevitability of its existence and the space and time around it. It created Death to guide. It created Death to help.

But it seemed Death always went against it. There came a time when the second death of a star was coming. It was in pain – hurting from its own self and in pure agony. It didn’t have a smooth end like Death had. It was hurting. It was broken. And Death made their first mistake.

Death knew their role was to guide, but the first death they were faced with, they wanted to do one thing. They wanted to help ease the stars pain. They wanted to help it through its death. So, Death shared their own Stardust with the star and to the Universes surprise, the star returned it. Death stayed alongside that star, sharing his Stardust and comforting that star until its unavoidable death, and then a second soul was born.

A soul that shared a part of Death.

And the Universe watched as Death himself created an unbreakable bond between himself and the second soul to be born. He shared a part of himself with that soul and the soul returned it, working as a pair, and creating a connection that was much deeper than just working together. They cherished each other and forever wanted to keep each other safe.

But what neither had expected was for Death to make his second mistake. He didn’t know what he was sharing with that soul. He just wanted to help – and Death shared his own memory of that moment with the soul.

And then Death left, remembering it had a role in the Universe, but forgotten the soul he had helped.

The second soul searched and searched but they could not find Death. They searched from one far end of the Universe to the other, desperately searching for the one they felt a deep connection to. They spent many centuries alone and lost, searching for the one it needed. And as life came to be, the soul ignored it, choosing to not live a life but instead, continue its search for Death himself.

But Death never came back and the soul was empty and abandoned, hurting from its loss.

Then the soul stumbled across a planet full of souls. Their souls were chaotic, lost, and uncertain and that second soul felt like it belonged. It felt it was supposed to be there. That second soul created its own life – making its own human from the things it liked and the things it wanted to be.

After centuries of waiting, the second soul finally lived its first life.

That was the day Victor Nikiforov was born.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Perhaps that soul was destined to find you._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And suddenly Yuuri was back and everything made sense.

Victor’s long existence before his first life was his soul searching for Yuuri. He had been so alone, lost, and afraid because the one soul he felt a connection with – the one soul he shared a part of him with had vanished, disappearing from view. All Victor’s soul knew to do was to ignore life itself to go searching for him, spending thousands of years all alone. And Yuuri couldn’t believe he had forgotten Victor.

Yuuri had been unknowingly searching for the one soul he helped too – the one soul that shared his own Stardust with. He wasn’t aware of it, but now he realized why he stayed with Victor and why he cared so much for him when he felt nothing like this for any other human he helped. He and Victor had a connection between their souls. But it went deeper than that. It was more than their connection that made Yuuri stay. It influenced it, but the rest was all on Yuuri.

They finally found each other.

But they were always destined to meet, ever since that moment where they shared a part of themselves with each other. There was a deep rooted part of their souls that understood their connection and was desperate for them to be together once again, but their own minds had been against them. It was Yuuri’s memories that failed to stay with him and it was Victor’s life that had made him forget what had happened too.

It seemed like the whole Universe was against them. And maybe that was true. But their bond defeated the odds and amongst the trillions of souls in the unfathomable Universe, they had found each other. A trillion to one, and they made it.

Meeting each other was their fate, but falling in love was completely out of their control. And they fell hard, Victor for Yuuri, and Yuuri for Victor – body, mind, and soul.

“I – I…” Yuuri blinked, stuttering against his own words as his mind struggled to form sentences. He couldn’t comprehend what he had just discovered. Yuuri stared up at Victor’s gleaming soul that rested behind his eyes and he felt whole. He raised his hand, placing it above Victor’s heart to feel it beating against his palm. Victor was real. He was here, living and breathing.

The one soul he connected with. The one human he fell in love with.

Victor shared the same expression Yuuri held. His mouth hung open as his eyes were agape, staring straight through Yuuri as if he could see. But he didn’t doubt that Victor could see. Victor then swallowed hard before mumbling, “Yuuri…” He paused. “I – I remember.”

Yuuri couldn’t believe it, but he also did too. “You do?”

“Yuuri, I – I see – I…” Victor breathed in a shaky breath as he raised his hand. His fingertips delicately touched between Yuuri’s eyes and Yuuri could feel it against his own soul. He could feel everything Victor felt – his soul, his senses, his love, and devotion. Yuuri could feel it, and Victor could too. “I remember.”

“You remember me?” Yuuri asked with a crack in his voice. He could feel tears in his eyes but he didn’t fight to keep them back. He couldn’t believe it. Victor remembered him.

“I – I don’t know how… I – Yuuri, this is too much. I – I…” Victor couldn’t get out his words and he squeezed his eyes shut, letting a sob escape his lips. Yuuri didn’t want to see any more tears. He held Victor’s head in his hands and brought their foreheads together, souls touching each other’s and connecting in the only way they knew how.

The love that had nestled in their souls made their connection stronger. Yuuri could feel every pain, every sorrow and hurt that went through Victor. But he could feel his passion and devotion – his happiness and his undeniable love. And Yuuri focused on those positives, attempting to ease Victor’s soul the only way he knew how.

Sharing a part of himself was easier said than done, but Yuuri would do it a thousand times more if it meant easing Victor’s pain.

Victor’s soul was no longer weary, now handling itself with peace and Yuuri had things he wanted to say. “I’m sorry I forgot you,” He began and felt Victor’s hands tighten their grasp around him. “I never wanted to forget you. But I was young and I didn’t know what I was doing and you were the first soul I helped and I – I”

Victor pulled Yuuri closer, their hearts touching and their souls connected. They could feel everything each other felt – their emotions, their vulnerabilities, they were completely exposed to each other. But they trusted each other and Yuuri felt for his ring, the cold metal around his finger now held more meaning than before.

“I was searching for you for so long,” Victor whispered. Yuuri felt a heavy ache in his chest. “I missed you so much.”

From Victor’s mouth came a cry that held emotional relief and when Yuuri heard his own cries fall from his lips, neither could keep themselves standing as their legs gave out beneath them. But they held onto each other, arms locked in a tight embrace. They needed to feel. They needed to be close. The ice was cold beneath them but neither cared enough to move.

“I’ve found you, Yuuri,” Victor wept through his tears, his hands grasping onto Yuuri. “Oh, God, I’ve finally found you.”

And Yuuri held on tighter, pulling Victor even closer. “And I found you too, Victor,” Yuuri whispered back, unable to stop the tears from falling.

“I feel so much, Yuuri,” Victor murmured back. “I feel a life I didn’t know I ever lived and knowing you were there for me when I – when I…” He paused, breathing in a deep, shaky breath that was full of emotion. “Just knowing you were always there to help me when I needed you, I just… I – Yuuri, I…”

“I will always be there for you.” It was a promise Yuuri would never break. He would never leave Victor again – not in this life, and not in the next.

“I love you so much, Yuuri,” Victor sniffed and Yuuri felt his cheat soar. “Don’t – don’t ever leave me, please.”

Yuuri shook his head as he pulled back. “Never. I will never leave you, Victor.” They couldn’t look away from each other and although Victor’s reddened eyes were leaking tears, he couldn’t look away from the watery blue ones staring back at him. This was his lover. His future. “I love you, Victor.”

In between Victor’s tears, there was a laugh somewhere in there and a smile that held on Victor’s face as he said, “I feel like our souls are one.”

But Yuuri shook his head. “No. Our souls didn’t influence this. They only made a connection but that didn’t mean we had to fall in love.” Yuuri raised his hand, pressing it against Victor’s chest to feel his beating heart. There was something about the rhythmic beat that seemed to calm Yuuri. “We fell in love all by ourselves. We didn’t fall for our souls or our connection. It was love. It was raw, undeniable love.”

“I’m so happy, Yuuri,” Victor couldn’t contain his smile. “God, I – I haven’t felt this happy in so long, Yuuri. I’m… I’m happy.”

“Me too, Victor,” Yuuri smiled because he was. This was true happiness. Although they were surrounded by a cold that was sending shivers through Victor and making Yuuri’s legs feel uncomfortable, just being there next to Victor made all of those problems feel meaningless. Being by Victor’s side was Yuuri’s favorite place in the world.

And when they get home, they made love. They loved each other with more than their eyes and their hearts, but their souls too as they mingled in the pauses between their kisses and touches. Their bodies hugged each other. Their hands roam each other’s bodies, unable to not touch one another as they came to such pleasure that they saw stars.

And Yuuri knew that nobody else mattered to him. As his eyes met Victor’s, not a single soul would come before his. So Yuuri will stay with Victor and Victor will stay with Yuuri, trusting each other as their souls work together and their love stays true throughout the rest of their lives.

The morning after was something Yuuri never felt because he didn’t sleep so the morning came without surprise. And Victor stayed awake all night too, going against Yuuri’s protest that he should sleep. He claimed to not be tired, but Yuuri suspected that was only part of the truth.

But the night was peaceful as they curled up to one another, unable to stay apart for even a second. They had a month’s worth of sleeping together to catch up with and time spent apart that they wanted to recover. Yuuri suspected that was why Victor stayed awake that night.

“So, what happens next?” Victor asked as the sun was beginning to rise and the birds began to sing.

Yuuri hummed. “What do you mean?”

Victor raised his head and Yuuri glanced down, their eyes meeting. “Well, I know a life I didn’t know before. We’ve connected on this level that I will never feel with another person and yet… I’m still human and you’re still Death.”

“Did you expect something big to happen?” Yuuri asked.

“Well, kind of?” Victor moved to his side and leaned against the headboard. “I expected something to have happened like… maybe you turn human with me?”

“Did you want that to happen?” Yuuri asked. He thought about it himself. It did feel a little strange that nothing happened, but he didn’t expect anything to change.

“I wouldn’t be against it,” Victor said. “I wouldn’t be against becoming immortal with you, either.”

Yuuri sighed. “It’s a long life, Victor.”

Victor nodded. “I know, I know. But it’ll be more… bearable if we were together, yes?” Yuuri couldn’t hold back his smile. Victor moved to lie on his back and he raised his hand above them, his ring glistening against the morning sun. Yuuri did the same. “Think about it. It would be less lonely. And I’d still be in love with you, and you will love me too. We could be the Death couple that help souls move on and by the end of the day, we return home to our immortal lives with our immortal dog, loving each other until the very end.”

Victor laced his fingers between Yuuri’s, their rings connecting as they held each other’s hands. Victor pulled their hands down and brought Yuuri’s ring to his lips, kissing it delicately. Yuuri felt a loving warmth spread through him.

“You’re such a romantic, you know that?” Yuuri smiled warmly and Victor chuckled. It was such a nice thought and Yuuri didn’t want to break Victor’s fantasy, but it could only be a fantasy. “But I don’t think we can make that choice. I can’t become mortal by myself and you can’t become immortal.”

Victor sighed heavily as he pouted, trying to think of a solution. “Maybe you can speak with the Universe?”

“I can try but I don’t think they’ll speak to me,” Yuuri said. Ever since the discovery, Yuuri had felt an even stronger absence of the Universe than before. It was as if Yuuri had completely disconnected himself from that life. “Like I said, they wanted to keep us apart. I think they’re going to stay away for a while and let us… let us live.”

Victor didn’t react. He only moved forward, pressing his head into the crook of Yuuri’s neck and he breathed, “Okay.”

It wasn’t what Yuuri wanted either, but at least they would be left alone.

 

* * *

 

“I’m finding it hard to look past what I know,” Victor said to Yuuri one morning, two weeks after they had discovered so much.

Victor hadn’t even been awake for five minutes and he was already contemplating a lot. But Victor had been doing so over the two weeks. There was so much he had suddenly discovered – things he never thought he would know and Yuuri knew Victor was struggling to decide what was real and what was his imagination.

“It’s a lot to take in,” Yuuri replied because it was. He didn’t know himself, but to a human like Victor, he could only imagine.

Victor held his stare towards the ceiling. “I… I know more than any other soul in this Universe. I’ve seen more and experienced more than anyone else and I’m just… I’m just a human.” He swallowed hard. “I feel like I’m having this existential crisis.”

“I think that’s normal for you to feel,” Yuuri said. He wanted to give advice, but he didn’t know what to suggest. “Maybe you’ll begin to get used to it soon?”

“Maybe.” Victor didn’t sound convinced.

Yuuri hummed with thought. “You could talk to Helen about it?”

Victor thought for a moment but shook his head. “No. I don’t think I’d know how to explain that my fiancé is Death himself and that we have this soul bond where we’ve been searching for each other for centuries.” He then let out a laugh. “I think she’ll have an existential crisis just hearing about it.”

But Yuuri wasn’t listening. He blinked hard, debating with himself if he had actually heard Victor correctly. He was certain he did, but Victor couldn’t have said that. He turned his head, brows dropped heavily and Victor looked back, uncertain why Yuuri looked so confused.

He had to ask. “… Fiancé?”

“Oh,” Victor said before a silence swept over them. Victor started to chew on his lip and Yuuri watched him, neither certain on what to say. “I… I don’t know where that came from. I didn’t mean to say that.”

“I think you did,” Yuuri said.

Victor nodded. “Yeah, I do too.”

The silence that fell between them was a little awkward, but it gave the two the time to think about what was said.

“So…” Victor cleared his throat. “Do you want to get married?”

Yuuri wondered where Victor’s romantic bone went. That didn’t feel very romantic to him, but he didn’t mind. The question itself was enough to make Yuuri feel giddy with excitement. “We’ll be husbands, wouldn’t we?”

“Yeah, I think that’ll be a nice step for us to take,” Victor said, smiling to himself. “We don’t have to get married soon. We can be engaged for a while before that happens. You don’t have to say yes to a marriage just yet. We can work out when is the right time.”

“I want to get married to you,” Yuuri said and Victor smiled at him. “That was a sign that you wanted to get married and I want to as well. Maybe we should wait for a next sign to say when we should start planning our wedding?”

“I like that,” Victor nodded. “We let fate decide.”

It seemed so farfetched with how much their fates had been against them. “And to think how against fate was for us meeting… we’re now following it.”

“Maybe it’s apologizing to us. Well, I’d like to think that.” Yuuri would like to think that too but it seemed very unlikely. But it was a nice thought. “When shall we say we begin planning our wedding?”

Yuuri hummed with thought. “Maybe when the Universe decides to speak to me,” He suggested. The Universe had to come and visit Yuuri at some point. They still had some explaining to do. “So until then, we’re just fiancé’s but no wedding is planned.”

“We are. We’re fiancé’s.” There was a silent pause before Victor let out an excited squeal and Yuuri couldn’t help but laugh at him. “Oh, I’m so excited! I can’t wait to tell Yakov!”

Yuuri wondered who he would tell. He’d tell Phichit and Yuko and… And that was it. “Oh, uh…” He didn’t realize he didn’t know that many people. He would invite Yuri but he imagined Victor would already do that. Victor glanced at him and Yuuri cleared his throat. “Uh… I only know two people I can invite.”

He didn’t know why he felt embarrassed by that but when Victor gave him a warm smile, it made him feel better about it. “That’s okay. I know more people. And we can say some are friends of ours,” Victor suggested and Yuuri nodded. He was happy with that. “I also want to invite Helen too. I promised her I would.”

Yuuri had no problem with that. “That’s fine. I want to invite Phichit and Yuko and her family.”

“Done and done,” Victor said without a second guess. “What name will we go by? Katsuki-Nikiforov, or Nikiforov-Katsuki?”

Yuuri didn’t realize how much planning had to go into a wedding. And they weren’t even planning it. This was conversation at the moment. Yuuri thought about Victor’s question. He didn’t mind either name, but then he had an idea. “I could be Yuuri Nikiforov?”

“But I could also be Victor Katsuki,” Victor said. “Wait, I can take your last name, right? You’re not exactly a real person. They shouldn’t suspect anything, should they?”

“It’s just a last name, Victor,” Yuuri said. He didn’t worry about that. But he knew Victor would want to take his last name, and he wanted to take Victor’s. There was only one solution. “I think we need to hyphen it.”

Victor happily agreed. “Hyphen is fine.”

 

* * *

 

“Yakov! We’re engaged!”

Yakov grunted. “About bloody time.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Phichit. I have something to say.”

“You and Victor are finally engaged!”

Yuuri blinked as he pulled the phone away from his ear. He brought it back up and asked, “How did…?”

“Oh, shit, really?!” Phichit gasped. “Yuuri, I would have guessed that every time you say, “I have something to say,” Because I knew one day I would be right. And I am! Congratulations!”

 

* * *

 

“Uh, Victor?” Yuuri called out when he came back home one day. Victor appeared from the living room and both of their eyes fell onto a box that was sat in the middle of their hallway. “Where did this box come from?”

Victor shared Yuuri’s confused stare as he eyed the box. “Um… I don’t know,” He said as he stepped closer. “It wasn’t here before.”

Yuuri closed the door behind him and kicked off his shoes and coat. He walked towards the box and the first thing he noticed was his and Victor’s name written in pen on the side. It was addressed to them, but he didn’t know how it could have gotten inside their home if Victor didn’t let it in. “Shall we open it?” Yuuri suggested and Victor shook his head.

“I’m scared to.”

“It should be fine,” Yuuri said and as his hand reached out, the box suddenly moved and Yuuri retracted his hand in an instant. Victor jumped and immediately went over to Yuuri, hiding behind him and putting his hands on Yuuri’s shoulders to keep him in front.

“…That was scary,” Victor whispered and Yuuri wondered what could possibly be inside it. Whatever it was had to be alive if it was moving. And that was the moment Yuuri saw a tiny soul sat inside of the box. It held nothing but happiness and devotion and Yuuri smiled.

“Victor,” Yuuri said as he turned. “I think you should open it.”

Victor stared at Yuuri as if he was a mad man, but trusted Yuuri’s word enough to step forward and towards the box. Victor took a deep breath before he pulled at the tape ceiling the box, ripping it away. He then took another deep breath to prepare himself and in an instant, he opened the box.

“Oh, my God,” Victor gasped and as he reached into the box, he picked up a small, fluffy puppy. “Yuuri, It’s a dog! It’s a poodle! Oh, my god!”

The puppy let out a tiny ‘Yip!’. They both instantly fell in love.

“Hello,” Yuuri greeted as he gave the puppy a quick fuss, but his mind was somewhere else. He turned back to the box as the dog started licking at Victor’s face. It would have been a picture-perfect moment if Yuuri wasn’t so confused. “Who did it come from?”

“I don’t know,” Victor said in between his laughs. “It didn’t say.”

Yuuri had his suspicions, but he decided to leave it there. They had a new member of the family.

 

* * *

 

 

The moon was bright, high in the sky and Victor was sleeping. Yuuri was by his side like he was every night, watching over him as he slept soundly. Their dog – who Victor decided to name Makkachin the second, because the puppy looked just like his beloved dog when she was a puppy – was sleeping in between them, curling herself in a little dog sandwich between them.

It was a peaceful night. Not a cloud was in the sky and Yuuri had their curtains drawn back so he could stare up at the stars while the other two slept. The night was silent and still, relaxing as Yuuri kept watch of the night sky.

Suddenly there was a growl. Yuuri raised his head, looking at Makkachin who was growling towards the doors that led to their balcony. Yuuri hushed their companion but her growl grew harsher. He couldn’t see or feel any intruders who were nearby. Nobody was inside their home – not even a spirit.

Then Yuuri could feel it and he let out a relieved sigh. He had been waiting for this day.

He carefully pulled himself away from Victor and tried to reassure Makkachin that everything was okay and that he was doing to investigate. The companion quietened down but didn’t trust the other intruder enough to let Yuuri investigate alone. She followed behind as Yuuri silently stepped towards their balcony. Through the glass doors, his eyes fell on a spirit.

The Universe was here.

Yuuri pulled open the door and made sure to keep Makkachin inside before closing it behind him. He let out a breath and turned, crossing his arms as he met the void-fulled stare of the Universes eyes. “I’ve been waiting for you to arrive.”

“You seemed to have done just fine these past few months,” The Universe replied. Yuuri fought the urge to roll his eyes. He had been doing more than just fine, but that didn’t mean everything was okay.

“There is still a little you need to explain to me,” Yuuri mentioned.

“I know,” The Universe gave a nod. “You figured out a lot, haven’t you?”

“I have,” Yuuri agreed. “I helped Victor’s soul and forgot that I had done and left him. Then he spent centuries searching for me because I had forgotten he even existed. I can’t believe I left him. I know I forgot because I shared that memory with him, but…” Yuuri felt like that wasn’t a good enough excuse to have left Victor.

“I did need him to die that night. But there was another reason why,” The Universe spoke, catching Yuuri’s attention. “Have you figured that out yet?”

If there was another reason for Victor needing to die, Yuuri could only come up with one thing. “It was for me to save him.”

The Universe nodded. “Yes.”

“I don’t understand,” Yuuri said, staring towards the Universe in hopes to find something that could help him. “You said it was so we didn’t meet, and now it was so I saved him. I need you to explain it to me. Everything. Not a single detail left out. I think I deserve that much.”

The Universe held their posture as they gave a nod. “Very well. You do deserve the truth. You have, after all, discovered everything I asked you to.”

“You know you could have done this months ago,” Yuuri spoke. The Universe ignored his comment, deciding to answer Yuuri’s question for the first time.

“When I found that you and that human had created a bond, I knew it was only a matter of time before you two met once again. A bond between two souls, as I have discovered, is the most powerful thing I have ever seen. And it is something I cannot control.” Souls themselves were weak, but Yuuri never knew that a bond could be so strong. He wondered if it was more powerful than the Universe. “But I never knew that. When that human decided to finally live his first life, I didn’t want you two to meet. So, I made his fate to die not from age, but when he was at his most highest. Because then he wouldn’t need your help to move on.”

“But you didn’t realize that some humans hurt,” Yuuri said. Victor had been at his highest when he was supposed to die, but he wasn’t in the right place mentally and the Universe didn’t realize that. “You made a mistake.”

“He was supposed to die but I cannot control how. I would have assumed a living legend in figure skating wouldn’t want to end his own life, but it seems I have more to learn about humans than I thought.” Yuuri was pleased they could admit to their own mistakes.

But it wasn’t answering all of Yuuri’s questions. They were side tracked and Yuuri needed to get back to the explanation. “You said you didn’t want us to meet so you made his fate to die when he wouldn’t need my help,” Yuuri said. “Continue your explanation. I need to know more.”

“As you said, I made a mistake. But it wasn’t just the human I made a mistake on. It was you.” Yuuri’s brows dropped, unsure what the Universe meant by that. “I didn’t realize you had already found him.”

“I didn’t know how much I needed him back then,” Yuuri said. Thinking back to how Victor once was – to the point of nearly breaking because of who he was – made Yuuri remember that Victor needed him too. “That was my soul working subconsciously, wasn’t it?”

“Yes,” The Universe agreed. “Because of the bond that you made, it remembered that connection the two of you felt when you first connected. It remembered who it was searching for, yet your own mind didn’t. And neither did his because he was human.”

“We were always supposed to find each other. That was why I had stayed with him,” Yuuri said mostly to himself, confirming his own comment. “But you still haven’t told me why you didn’t want us to meet.”

“I knew once you met, something would awaken inside of you. You both share a part of each other. You learned what it was that he felt – those emotions inside of you. And it was affecting your role as Death. I needed to stop that before it happened. You have a very important role. I needed to keep you focused.” The Universe paused. “And when I watched you try to fight against saving him, I knew even before you did that you were going to fail – that you were going to save him. And then you began to feel and develop these human emotions and since then, you became impatient and demanding, lost and confused about who you were and what was happening.”

“That was why you gave me those questions,” Yuuri’s arms dropped to his side. “You wanted me to try and discover my change by myself.”

“I had told you that.”

“But why didn’t you just tell me before?” Yuuri demanded. He needed to know. He didn’t understand. “You could have just told me and everything would have gone a lot more smoother. Instead, you confused me with questions that I didn’t know I could answer and you… you lied to me, tricked me, and –”

“I have always been trying to help you,” The Universe replied. Yuuri scoffed, crossing his arms as he tore his gaze away. He didn’t believe it. “If you ever wish to be a human, you cannot come to me for answers because I won’t be there to give them to you. I’ve been trying to teach you what it’s like to be a human. They don’t get the answers like how you do. They have to accept what is given to them and live with not knowing the unknown. Death is unknown to them. That is why fates should have been undisturbed.”

“But I disturbed Victor’s fate,” Yuuri said, keeping his focus on the floor.

“With your own fate.”

Yuuri’s head shot up. “What?”

“Your fates collided. I didn’t realize you had one,” The Universe said. “You and I both know what it means to have a fate,” The Universe then paused, waiting for Yuuri to reply.

“A soul’s fate is their death,” Yuuri whispered. But that didn’t make sense. “But I can’t die. How could I have a fate?”

“A soul’s fate isn’t always their death, but an end, too,” The Universe said and Yuuri still failed to understand. “Your fate was to meet that soul you bonded with. And as I said, a soul’s fate is their end.”

“Are you saying I’m…” Yuuri shook his head. It couldn’t be. “What are you trying to say?”

The Universe didn’t reply. Instead, they took a step forward, coming closer to Yuuri as they said, “I am giving you a choice right now. Your fate has been fulfilled, and what happens to a soul when they’ve fulfilled their fate?”

A fate was their end, and if Yuuri had fulfilled his… “They live a new life and receive a new fate.”

The Universe nodded. “You have one of two choices. I still need you in the afterlife. You can either resume your role as Death. You can help spirits and guide them. You can stay as your role like you should have done. As I said, you have a major importance in the afterlife. You are needed there.”

Yuuri breathed in. “And the other?”

“You are no longer Death,” The Universe said as if it was the most simplest thing in the world. “You are a human that lives, breathes, ages, and eventually dies.”

If Yuuri was a human, he could finally live alongside Victor and grow old with him. He could experience what it was like to be a human and live that life like he felt he wanted to ever since he met Victor. He wanted to have that life.

But no longer being Death… It was a responsibility that was his and he cared for his world. He cared about the souls that couldn’t move on and the souls that got lost. He was still important for the afterlife and he was still needed there. Could he abandon that role so easily?

“But I can’t do both?” Yuuri had to ask. When the Universe didn’t shake their head, Yuuri felt hopeful.

“You could. You live a human life and resume who you were when you die,” The Universe then nodded. “That is possible.”

Yuuri was reminded of something Victor had said a while back. It was the night after they got back together when he and Victor were lying in bed. He had said he expected something to happen between them, and this was it. This was what Victor was waiting for. He was waiting for that one change between them that he had expected.

He had said he wouldn’t mind living the immortal life with Yuuri. He would like to spend his existence by Yuuri’s side, both being Death and helping souls move on together. Yuuri had imagined that was going to just stay as a fantasy, but he had the opportunity to ask if it could happen.

He wasn’t going to make the choice for Victor, but he had something he could suggest.

“Can… can Victor do it too?” Yuuri asked.

“What do you mean?”

“I will agree to be a human now, but when I die, can he and I make the choice together to continue to live on?” He paused for a moment. “As… as Death?”

“You wish for him to be Death alongside you?” The Universe questioned and Yuuri began to play with his fingers as he shrugged.

“I wouldn’t be against it… As long as Victor agrees to it too,” Yuuri replied. “Is it even possible?”

“Yes, it’s possible,” The Universe spoke and Yuuri’s mouth fell open. He hadn’t expected that as an answer. “You share the same stardust. He holds a part of Death inside him. But I very much doubt he’d want to live forever. And with those human emotions, I fear you two would be more reckless together than apart.”

“Or maybe we could be better together?” Yuuri suggested. “The choice isn’t made now, but I want Victor to have that option too. Please. He deserves your forgiveness.”

“Why else did you think I gave you that dog?” The Universe said, turning their head to the door where Makkachin stayed sat, watching the two as they talked.

And Yuuri’s brows dropped. “That was you?!” He gasped. He should have suspected that much when a package mysteriously appeared in their home. Yuuri suspected it was Yakov.

“Yes. It was my way of… apologizing.” The Universe said pausing, thinking about Yuuri’s request. “Alright. I’ll let you live this life and when you die, I will give you and that human a choice. You both make the agreement by yourself. It means you can either be death together, live another human life, or you go your separate ways – that human with another life and you as Death.”

Yuuri nodded. “Deal.” At least it gave Victor the choice too.

Agreeing to that meant Yuuri would be living a human life. But that also meant dying. He would experience what it would be like to die for the first time and the thought sent a fearful shiver down Yuuri’s spine. He knew how some deaths could be. They can be painful while others were easy and calming. He didn’t want a painful death.

He’d feel pain, too.

“Knowing that I can die one day…” Yuuri paused. “I never thought I would have this feeling.”

“Surely you don’t fear death?” The Universe questioned. Yuuri gave a shrug, “You know what happens.”

That was true. But that also meant another thing. “I’d meet myself when I die.”

“No, if we didn’t have our deal, you would meet Death when you die.” The Universe took a step forward, coming face to face with Yuuri. “You, Yuuri Katsuki, have just been born. It has been a pleasure.”

This was it.

Yuuri couldn’t hold himself back when his arms went around the spirit, hugging the Universe. What a strange concept it was, but Yuuri felt it was something he needed to do. “I may have understood everything when I was Death, but now as Yuuri, I struggle to see your reasons for most of what you did.” He closed his eyes. “But I think I understand as well as I can, so I will say thank you.”

There was suddenly an absence and when Yuuri opened his eyes, he found himself alone. He turned, eyes scanning the area around him and he couldn’t feel the spirits like he used to. There was a strange absence, but he could still see souls shining around him. And then he looked up.

His eyes fell onto his star that shined brightly in the night sky. It gleamed and shone bright and in a single blink of an eye, his star was gone.

And then, Yuuri felt it.

The cold breeze chilled him to the bone and it made his skin shiver with bumps. He stared at his arms, unsure why his skin reacted like that to the cold, but it was the last thought on his mind. He could smell the air – the fresh crisp of frost that filled his nose. And he could feel his own warmth spread through him. It was different to the warmth he felt when he was with Victor. It was living, it was breathing. And he could feel more. He could feel his soft skin, his hair, and his heart beat.

He was human.

He was finally human. And Yuuri smiled because he can, and he laughed because he wanted to.

“Yuuri?” A warm voice spoke behind him and Yuuri felt his own heart race. He turned, his eyes meeting the one person that meant so much to him. “Are you alright?”

Victor was the love of his life – the only life that he will live if Victor agreed to it. But Yuuri didn’t mind if he was going to be a human and have many more lives to come, or stay as Death and have the one, because he would always find his way back to Victor. It was thrilling. It was exciting.

“Victor,” Yuuri breathed and he could feel the air filling his lungs. Yuuri stepped forward and held Victor’s hand, pressing Victor’s palm to his chest. When Victor felt a beat against his palm, his eyes widened as he glanced up. He was met with Yuuri’s smiling face. Victor knew too. “I’m human, Victor. It’s time.”

“Oh, my God,” Victor gasped. Yuuri suddenly felt arms around him – warm, strong arms that felt soft and comforting. “Yuuri!”

Yuuri couldn’t help but touch Victor. He could finally feel him. His skin was softer than his own and his hair was silky to touch. It was similar to what he used to feel, but it was different. There was a warmth Yuuri could identify and it felt strange against his own skin. And as he pulled back, he wondered what it would feel like to kiss Victor – to make love to him now that he was human.

That was how they found themselves on their bed with their sheets tangled around their legs and their clothes discarded from their body. It was more than different. It was intoxicating. Every touch Victor left on his skin lingered and every kiss sent tiny shocks through Yuuri’s heart. But more than that, his heart raced.

He could breathe and moan and feel his own tears fall down his face. He tired for breath but he kept on going because his heart was new and healthy and he could push it. Even when Victor stopped to wipe the tears that slipped down Yuuri’s cheeks, he could feel the warmth of Victor’s hand against his skin.

“Calm down, Yuuri,” Victor whispered in between their slowed down thrusts. Yuuri had been aware his breathing sounded desperate, but he could push it. “You need to breathe. Slow and deep, okay?”. The air was warm and his body felt wet. And Yuuri filled his lungs and let out a breath, easing his heart like Victor had asked him to.

In the end, Yuuri was lying on Victor while Victor was beneath them. Their chests were rising and falling, breathing in heavily as they gasped for breath. And in between their breathing, Victor found a moment to press a soft kiss to the side of Yuuri’s hair and Yuuri felt it.

“Are you okay?” Victor whispered into Yuuri’s ear. Yuuri swallowed hard, breathed in heavily through his mouth, and nodded.

“Yeah, Yeah, I’m – I’m fine,” He said because he really was fine. Everything had fallen into place and Yuuri had gotten what he wanted. He was a human and so far, he was loving every second of it. “I just feel a little… My eyes feel heavy.”

“I think you’re just tired,” Victor said and Yuuri raised his head. “We should sleep soon.”

“What does sleeping feel like?” Yuuri had to ask because he didn’t feel like could get the hang of that and how quickly sleeping came. He’d have to, but he just felt a little… scared towards it.

“You just close your eyes and wait for it to come,” Victor answered. Yuuri chewed on his bottom lip, accidentally biting hard enough that he broke the skin. He’d have to be cautious of that. “But then you wake up and you’ll realize how easy it was.”

“Even those nights where you struggled to sleep?” Yuuri asked, remembering those night where Victor found himself frustrated at himself. Usually, Yuuri would check on Victor’s soul to see what was bothering him. It was mostly his depression, but Yuuri couldn’t see it now. It was still strange to Yuuri that he couldn’t see Victor’s soul anymore, but he could feel it and he was certain it was still fighting that sorrow.

Victor gave a nod. “Sleep will always come, Yuuri,” He said and Yuuri believed him. He settled his head back down onto Victor’s chest and closed his eyes. He could feel a sense of drowsiness as the world around him felt like it was fading.

Until Victor’s voice disrupted him. “Does this mean today is your birthday?”

Birthdays meant the day they were born. He sighed heavily as he nodded, mumbling out, “I would say so.”

He felt Victor shift and Yuuri opened his eyes, watching Victor as he checked his phone before dropping it back down. “Today’s November 29th. Today is your birthday,” Victor said with a grin. He met Yuuri’s eyes. “How old are you?”

Yuuri didn’t know. “I don’t know.”

“Well, how old do you feel?” Victor asked and Yuuri wasn’t sure he knew. He wasn’t aware that he could feel a certain age. He just felt like he was living.

But that didn’t mean an age hadn't came into mind. It repeated in his head over and over again and Yuuri felt like it was trying to tell him something. “My mind is telling me twenty-five.” The number stopped floating around in his mind and Yuuri nodded to himself. “Yeah. I’m – I’m twenty-five.”

Victor smiled warmly and as he pressed a soft, loving kiss to Yuuri’s lips, he whispered, “Happy twenty-fifth birthday, my love.”

And that day was the beginning of many others to come.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this was a long chapter. I knew it was going to be long, but this was just - wow!
> 
> But we are at the end and this means no more updates.  
> Thank you all so much for reading this! And thank you to everyone who commented, kudosed, and read this! It means so much to me and I'm still so shocked by the response I had gotten! Thank you!
> 
> This is more than just the longest fic I have written, but the longest story too. Getting an update up was such a treat because of how kind all your comments were and thank you!
> 
> ~
> 
> Here's a little piece of artwork that I worked on during my free time. I guess it's a little thank you to everyone who's read this ;) I don't often color but I really tried hard for this one!
> 
> ~
> 
> Thank you all for reading, and I hope to see you in my future fics, too! ♡〜٩(^▿^)۶〜♡
> 
> ~
> 
> (And in case you didn't see it, here's the beautiful piece of fanart that [missbellatrix](http://missbellatrix.tumblr.com) had done! [Check it out!](http://missbellatrix.tumblr.com/post/164543272649/a-change-of-fate-by-axlaida-a-fan-art-for-this))  
> (Annnnd here's my drawing in full detail on my Tumblr! [Just here!](https://axlaida.tumblr.com/post/165124893929/posts-this-and-runs-so-i-did-this-drawing-for))


	36. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Meeting you was fate. But falling in love with you was out of my control._
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Yuuri’s first day as a human was originally planned to explore himself and discover the world around him in a way he never knew before. Things, however, did not go the way he planned.  
> He slept the entire day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YEs here is the LOOONG overdue epilogue I was supposed to have up months ago but never had the time to do. I apologize for it taking so long but I guess at the same time... surprise!

 

 

Yuuri’s first day as a human was originally planned to explore himself and discover the world around him in a way he never knew before. Things, however, didn’t go the way he planned.

He slept the entire day.

It was the least interesting thing that had ever happened to him. He thought his first day was going to be fun and exciting. He wanted to discover, explore, and experience in a different body. It  _should_ have been exciting, but instead, he was tired.

He could easily say sleeping was a strange sensation. He was aware he was asleep but not conscious and time was non-existent. It went from night to day in a blink of an eye and while Yuuri was aware he had slept, he couldn’t wrap his head around the sudden absence of that time. It was like he missed and forgotten hours of his own life.

Yuuri didn’t think much of sleeping.

His favorite experience when it came to sleep was waking up next to Victor.

Early mornings quickly became a favorite. He could finally wake up next to the person he loves with kisses and morning cuddles that made him smile and warmed his soul. The first day Yuuri woke up next to Victor, he was awoken by soft kisses pressing against his neck and the light whisper of Victor’s voice saying, “Good morning, my sleeping beauty.”

He treasured those moments.

He never experienced the delicious taste of food and drinks until late that night when he did finally wake up and stay awake. Victor was fast asleep by that point but had left Yuuri some food for him to eat and a glass of water to drink. That was also the first time Yuuri experienced hunger and thirst. It was something he never wanted to feel again. His mouth was parched and he has desperate need to drink the clear liquid in the glass. His stomach made strange noises and the pain inside pulled and tugged. Yuuri knew he was hungry and thirsty. He didn’t know how he knew but he did. It was as if his body and subconscious worked together and left Yuuri’s mind to fend for itself.

Eating wasn’t new to him but tasting was. He could never taste what he ate and drank. He would only ever determine whether he liked something or not by the texture and how it sat in his mouth. He would have still stuck by that if he didn’t experience tasting something for the first time.

The food Victor left for him was food he remembered saying he liked. And by the time he finished eating, he liked half and disliked the other. The food he liked filled his mouth with a flavor that satisfied his stomach and tickled his taste buds. The food he didn’t like made him gag and it sat horribly in the back of his throat. He was thankful for the glass of water he had. It didn’t taste like much but it was doable and helped rid the horrible taste of the disgusting food in his mouth.

He then raided the cupboards and refrigerator for more food. His stomach still felt a slight twinge of hunger and Yuuri couldn’t ignore the taste in his mouth that begged for more food. He found chocolate that he really liked but couldn’t eat a lot. He didn’t like the orange juice that had little pips in it. He didn’t think much of bread but at that point, his stomach was protesting against more food and he could feel a fullness every time he breathed. It didn’t sit very comfortably and Yuuri made a note to himself to not eat too much.

Yuuri found himself sitting on the balcony for some of the night, waiting for his tiredness or boredom to come back before he would return to bed with Victor. There was a strangeness to the darkness that Yuuri never noticed. He couldn’t see souls anymore. All that seemed to exist was the cold wind that felt like a harsh bite against his skin. He could feel the hairs on his arms raise and the small bumps along his arm tingle. But the cold wasn’t all he could feel. He could feel the light beat of his heart in his chest. He pressed his hand against it, feeling the rhythmic beat against his hand. He could feel a slight ache in his muscles and a stiffness in his knee that didn’t seem to adjust. He could feel the fullness in his stomach and the lingering taste in his mouth.

It was… new.

Yuuri stood on their balcony and looked over what he could see. Only days ago, he stood in that exact spot and asked the Universe itself if he could become human. He made the decision to be who he was now, for himself and for the person he loved the most. He felt so different. He could no longer feel the presence of more and the aura of souls. The absence of space around him, time, and the movement of life going by was non-existent. He couldn’t feel that anymore.

But it wasn’t that Yuuri couldn’t feel anything anymore.

He can now feel the coldness in the wind that chilled him head to toe. He can feel how cold the railing was against his skin and the rust against his fingertips. His hair tickled his skin as it blew in the wind and he could even feel the clothes that sat on his body, warming him only very slightly. But more than feeling the world differently, he could see the world differently too.

The absence of souls was strange. He’s never known a time where he couldn’t see them. He did find himself wishing to see them again. He wanted to see their light scattered across the world and watch them lead different lives and feel something else. He wanted to catch a glimpse of it one more time to remind himself that it was real – that he really was Death and it wasn’t some long dream.

He looked up at the night sky. His eyes were met with a blurred smudge of light against the darkness. He could see the stars, but not very well. He tried blinking away the blur but the stars stayed like fuzzy lights in the sky. The stars he could see were dim compared to the souls that once brightened the sky in such a way that what he could see felt meaningless. He could only see life through limited eyes – human eyes.

But it was never meaningless. This was everything to him. He could live with Victor. He could age, feel, smell, and live alongside the person who meant the absolute world to him. Across the entirety of the endless Universe, not a single soul could have made Yuuri choose to live a different life. Not a single soul; except for one.

After everything Yuuri had already experienced – his feelings and more – nothing could compare to the way Victor made him feel.

“Yuuri?” He turned when he heard Victor’s voice. Victor’s hair was ruffled and he was rubbing his eyes. He had a blanket wrapped around him, protecting him from the cold and Yuuri knew he was wearing nothing underneath. “What are you doing?”

“Go back to sleep, Victor,” Yuuri said as he turned back around. He hadn’t meant to wake Victor up. He may be awake but Victor was tired. There were warm arms suddenly wrapped around his waist, pulling him into the body behind him. Yuuri couldn’t hold back his smile. “Victor…”

He rested his head on Yuuri’s shoulder as he hummed. Yuuri laced his fingers between Victor’s and enjoyed the moment for a while. There was definitely something wrong with his vision unless humans did generally have bad vision but lived with it. Everything wasn’t so clean and crisp anymore. There was a fuzzy blur to everything and no matter how many times he blinked, it didn’t go away.

“How do you feel?” Victor then asked and Yuuri didn’t know where to begin.

“Alive,” He answered. He didn’t know what else to say. There was so much. “I feel alive. It’s – it’s weird.”

“It must have been a shock to you,” Victor commented. Yuuri nodded with agreement. He had slept the entire first day of his human life. He knew he wasn’t a genius at knowing humans but he knew they didn’t just sleep all day for no reason.

“I’m not reacting to it well at the moment,” He said. Victor didn’t reply. “I feel tired and weak. I also… I also feel myself but I forget that I can and I forget that I have to do these certain things but I remember that I do it automatically… Does that make any sense?”

Victor laughed faintly before humming with thought. Yuuri felt him shake his head. “Not particularly but I think I get what you’re trying to say.” Yuuri bit his lip. “Is there anything else?”

Yuuri had so much he wanted to say to Victor but also so little because he didn’t know where to begin and how to start. He never had time to during the day. He had been asleep. But now he had time and he turned around to face Victor.

“My vision has gone… strange,” Yuuri said. He blinked but Victor didn’t seem to crisp and clear anymore. He raised his hand, letting his fingertips touch his skin. His thumbs stroked across his cheeks, his fingertip caressed the bridge of his nose. “Do humans have a slightly blurred vision?”

Victor chuckled. “I think you might need glasses,” He said. Yuuri didn’t know what to say to that. He never thought his vision would go bad as a human, especially so soon after becoming one. But that didn’t seem to be his main worry.

He had something more important to say.

They met eyes and Yuuri kissed him, long and sweet. “I don’t want you to think you have to look after me.” Victor stayed silent. “I don’t want you to look at yourself and think of yourself as somebody who has to care for me. You’re my lover and my fiancé, not my carer. I need to make mistakes sometimes so I can learn and discover my humanly needs.”

“I understand, Yuuri,” Victor replied. “But I will say something if I think you need help.”

Yuuri agreed. “I will ask if I need help too,” He said. They fell into a silence. The light breeze gently blew in between them, circling their bodies as it silently moved around them. It was peaceful and they found each other’s eyes. Yuuri could never grow tired of moments like this. “I love you.”

Victor’s lips pressed against his – light and sweet. He smiled. “I love you too.”

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri wasn’t the only one who was struggling. Victor had his own fears too – his own demons that plagued his mind.

Yuuri was having trouble adjusting to the human life. He had to learn that sleep was important and overeating was unhealthy. He learned that he should regularly drink when he needed to and eat when he should. He also discovered that the oven is very hot and he shouldn’t touch it while something is cooking. He was like a child. He was touching and prodding at things he didn’t know, wanting to adventure the big scary world ahead of him. But that was all expected.

What they hadn’t expected was the psychological effect that hit Victor.

By all appearance, Victor was fine. But Yuuri knew that Victor’s depression still plagued him, even to this day. Victor still had days where he couldn’t get himself out of bed or find the energy to get up and eat. Some days, he’d fall back into the ocean of dread and sorrow. Yuuri knew what to do those days to help Victor’s pain and misery.

What he didn’t know was how to stop Victor tossing and turning in his sleep. It wasn’t normal for him to do that. He watched Victor while he slept for months and not once had Victor ever done that.

Yuuri tried telling himself not to worry but then it got worse as the nights went on. Victor’s breathing became rapid and fast as he choked for breaths. His body would tremble and he was restless. Yuuri had tried shaking him awake but Victor never woke up when he did. Yuuri soon found that petting his hair and whispering soft words often did the trick to calm Victor down.

When Yuuri decided that he should mention it, Victor got worse.

Yuuri woke up to Victor moaning. It wasn’t from pleasure but from pain and distress. Yuuri was quick to sit up and started petting Victor’s hair, running his fingers through his damp strands. He whispered words of encouragement and love. Victor’s rapid breathing didn’t slow. His tears didn’t stop as they continued to slip down his cheeks. Yuuri could hear him trying to say something but the words were mumbled and weak. Yuuri then tried pressing soft kisses over Victor’s face but it didn’t help stop his distress.

“Y-Yuuri!” Victor cried out and Yuuri froze. He sat up slowly and stared down at Victor. He hadn’t woken up. Victor yelled out his name again and Yuuri’s heart pounded hard. He didn’t know what to do. None of his techniques were helping Victor and he wouldn’t stop crying Yuuri’s name.

“Victor!” Yuuri said loudly as he shook Victor’s shoulders. Victor’s breathing became choked and he cried out in distress, yelling Yuuri’s name like a call for help. Yuuri shook his shoulders harder. “Victor, please, wake up!”

He didn’t stop.

Yuuri didn’t know what influenced him to try something new but he found himself pulling Victor into an embrace. Victor didn’t return it but Yuuri didn’t expect him to. His arms stayed limp by his sides as he wept Yuuri’s name. Yuuri tightened his embrace. He rocked Victor side to side, stroking his hand through Victor’s hair and trying to hush his nightmares away.

“I’m here, Victor,” Yuuri spoke loud and clear. He needed Victor to hear him. “It’s okay, I’m here.”

There was suddenly a gasp. An unexpected silence followed it. Victor’s breathing was still fast but his weeping stopped in an instant. Yuuri assumed Victor’s nightmares had stopped and he was back to dreamlessly sleeping. He was about to move back but Victor’s arms were quick to circle around him. He buried his head into the crook of Yuuri’s neck, held on tight, and choked out a sob.

Yuuri held Victor as he cried. Victor gulped for a breath, desperate to ease the cries that shook his shoulders and tugged his stomach. His sobs were muffled against Yuuri’s shoulder and Yuuri could feel his tears soaking his shirt but his shirt was the least of his concern. There was something on Victor’s mind that he wasn’t letting out. He was keeping it bottled up, hidden from Yuuri and it wasn’t helping him. Yuuri needed to know what was causing Victor so much distress. He couldn’t have Victor slipping back.

He may not be able to see Victor’s soul anymore but he didn’t need to. He knew just from looking at him that his soul was in pain.

Yuuri let Victor cry it out like he always did. He didn’t disturb the tears. He only comforted and supported Victor the way he knew worked – rocking him side to side with his fingers brushing through Victor’s hair. His cries gradually calmed down to silent sniffs. Yuuri tried pulling back to talk to Victor but he refused to let go.

“Victor?” Yuuri said as Victor fell silent. His tears came to a complete stop. “Victor, are you okay?”

Victor breathed in a deep, shaky breath and tightened his grip around Yuuri. “Y-you were gone,” His voice trembled. He tried to control his voice. His fists shook as he gripped Yuuri’s shirt tight, desperate to stop his tears but the wave of emotion washed over him. He broke down entirely. “I – I thought you – you had left. T-that you had forgotten me and I couldn’t – I –  _Yuuri…_ ”

Yuuri moved back. His hands held Victor’s face as his thumbs rubbed under his eyes, drying Victor’s tears as they fell. Victor held his stare. His breathing trembled as he tried to stop the tears. Yuuri didn’t want to see him cry anymore. He didn’t want Victor to go through any more despair because Victor had been through enough.

“I will never leave you, Victor,” Yuuri said sternly. He needed Victor to hear his words and believe them. “I will never leave you again, Victor. Even in death, I will always be there. You will never be alone ever again. Do you understand me?”

Victor bit his bottom lip as he nodded. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. His weeping quietened and he delved back into Yuuri’s embrace, burying his head in the crook of Yuuri’s neck just to feel the comfort and warmth of support.

Yuuri moved them to lie down again. It was late at night and he wanted Victor to get back to sleep. He held him tight, keeping Victor close as he pressed soft kisses against his hair and whispered loving words when he could.

When Yuuri had thought Victor fell back asleep, he was surprised to hear Victor’s voice mumble against his neck, “It’s been a year since we met.”

Yuuri hadn’t realized. The days seemed to blur together that he was never certain what day of the week it was and sometimes, he didn’t know what month they were in. If it had been a year since they met, it was Victor’s birthday soon.

“It is, isn’t it?” Yuuri said. Victor nodded weakly. “And it’s your birthday soon. Do you want anything?”

Victor exhaled a deep breath. His warm breath tickled Yuuri’s skin as he shook his head. “I just want you to be here with me,” He said. “I’m happy with this, Yuuri.”

Yuuri wasn’t going to have that. He found Victor a birthday gift last year, he could find Victor one this year too. He contemplated getting lavender roses again but he didn’t want to repeat his gift, no matter what meaning they held. He was going to find something for Victor. He was going to surprise him somehow.

They fell back asleep just as the sun was beginning to rise. They didn’t wake up until the sun was high in the sky and even then, neither got out of bed. They stayed huddled close to each other, only leaving when they wanted something to eat or to use the bathroom. It was a peaceful morning filled with the fresh brew of coffee to help them stay awake and the warmth of their covers. Even Makkachin joined in the cuddling, wanting to feel involved in the love that went between them.

Throughout the day, Yuuri had something on his mind.

Victor’s nightmare was him leaving. He feared Yuuri no longer being there and Yuuri couldn’t help but wonder if it had anything to do with their choice. If either made a different choice, they could lose each other again. Yuuri could lose Victor’s soul and Victor could spend another eternity looking for him. He didn’t doubt that no matter what choice they make when they both embark, they would still find each other. Their souls were bonded. They held a connection. They’d find each other and Yuuri didn’t doubt that.

But Yuuri couldn’t risk it. He knew their choice was years away but for peace of mind, he needed to mention it to Victor. He needed them to somewhat get on the same page as each other. Then perhaps maybe Victor’s mind could find some peace and his nightmares would calm.

Victor came back from a bathroom break. He curled himself to Yuuri’s side with his phone in hand, scrolling through whatever social media he was on when Yuuri decided it was time to ask. “We still need to make our decision soon.”

Victor paused his scrolling. He glanced up and met Yuuri’s eyes for a second before he moved to sit up. His phone fell in his lap, ignored when a different conversation came to play. “Have you made up your mind yet?”

Yuuri wondered why Victor asked that. “Is there a reason why you asked that?” He asked.

Victor didn’t say anything for a moment and Yuuri didn’t doubt anymore that Victor may have already come to a decision. But if Victor had chosen what he wanted, then to help Victor with his nightmares, he would have to as well.

“I like being a human, Yuuri,” Victor began. “Well, actually, I like knowing that there’s a second chance to a life that could have been horrible. And I like knowing what will happen to me when I pass on.” Victor paused and Yuuri stayed silent, letting Victor speak freely. Victor sighed heavily. “But knowing there could be no end – knowing that we can’t change our minds and we’re stuck with an eternity of existing… what if it drives us insane?”

And then Victor’s nightmares made sense.

“You’re scared that you might make the wrong choice?” Yuuri asked, needing to confirm his suspicion. When Victor nodded, Yuuri could understand. It was a big choice for them to make. Yuuri was scared too. He was scared that if he chose to live a human life, he could mess it up and find himself in a place he never wanted to be.

He knew how to be Death. Victor didn’t. But Victor knew how to be a human and Yuuri didn’t.

There was a conflict. They needed to talk through it. It was a lot but Yuuri believed they could make it. “I’m scared too, Victor. But as long as we have each other, I think we can help each other pull through it.”

Victor nodded. “I could never do this by myself. But knowing you’ll be with me makes this choice feel a lot more easier. I feel like we would be okay.” Victor hugged Yuuri’s side and buried his head into Yuuri’s neck. Yuuri’s movements were automatic as he tightened their embrace. They stayed locked together as Victor said, “We have the rest of our lives to make this decision.”

“If we live long enough to make the choice.” Yuuri didn’t want Victor to avoid the possibility of their end. If Victor were to ever chose immortality and be Death alongside Yuuri, he would have to get used to the idea, otherwise, Yuuri feared Victor would go insane. “Anything can happen to us, Victor. Illness, accidents, unwanted fates… the list is endless.”

Victor exhaled a deep breath. “I wish it was easy.”

“Nothing is easy,” Yuuri said. He felt Victor’s grip on his shirt tighten. Yuuri ran his hand through Victor’s hair. “But we can get through it. After everything we went through just to find out our souls are connected, I believe we can overcome this too.”

“I still struggle with that, Yuuri,” Victor murmured. Yuuri wondered what he meant. Victor pulled back and they met eyes. “I look at myself and I wonder who I really am. Everything that I knew… I suddenly find myself questioning everything and I just – I need to talk about it, Yuuri. I need to get it out of my head.”

“Is this also causing the nightmares? Yuuri asked. Victor gave a nod. “I’m always here to listen, Victor.”

Victor took a deep breath to prepare himself. “I existed for so long without a life. I feel empty but whole at the same time and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be. My being, my soul, my love, and my life are all inside my subconscious but so is an entire life I never knew and I feel like there’s too much. I feel like my mind could explode any minute and I’m so scared that it’ll drive me insane, Yuuri. I’m so scared that it’ll make my mental health deteriorate and I find myself back on that bridge. Or on a building rooftop. Or in a bathroom with pills in my hand, all so I can stop the – the fullness in my mind.”

Victor was still questioning everything he knew and while Yuuri had been prepared for that, he hadn’t found the right words to say to Victor that could help him feel sane. Victor’s mind had learned so much in a short time, it was expected that he would struggle to handle it. Yuuri ran a hand through Victor’s hair. “It’s a lot to take in.”

“It’s more than a lot!” Victor said, wide-eyed and his mind ran haywire. “I’m looking at my life differently now. I feel like all my concerns of who I was and what I wanted to be are… pointless. There’s this entire existence beyond my imagination and I realize that being human is just obstacles.” Victor paused to take a deep breath. “It’s what makes us human – what makes me… me. These obstacles were put there to keep us from discovering more. It’s stopping us from finding the answers to the universe. It’s stopping us from thinking further than the deepest depths of a black hole because the further we go, the less human we feel. The less we are something, the more we become… nothing.”

Yuuri didn’t know how to reply. He wanted to say he understood but Yuuri was once what Victor had called nothing. Yuuri could go further than any human – he was once just a being that existed to guide the afterlife. Yuuri didn’t understand Victor’s view on it and he didn’t have any advice to offer Victor. He said all he knew he could say.

“You’ve thought a lot about this, haven’t you, Victor?”

Victor nodded. “I think about this every day, Yuuri.” He then paused. “Did you think this when you were Death?”

Yuuri couldn’t say he did. There was never much Yuuri had thought about when he was Death. He knew all the answers. He’d seen the deepest depths of the Universe – the beginning of time and the start of life itself. He had been there. It was all normal to him. It was nothing new.

But this was new to Victor. It was amazing and unimaginable and Yuuri mentally scolded himself for not thinking how this would affect Victor. He didn’t think how a human mind could have reacted to the sudden knowledge of more. He didn’t think about Victor became so self-aware of life beyond his existence and being given a choice no human had ever been given before. He should have thought of that.

“I didn’t, no,” Yuuri said. Victor sighed hard as his gaze fell. Yuuri’s hand cupped his cheek and raised his head so their eyes met. “I didn’t because it’s what’s normal to me. This isn’t normal to you, Victor. Don’t think how you feel is wrong.”

“It’s hard,” Victor spoke weakly. Yuuri wanted to say he could relate but he couldn’t. Victor raised his hand and laced his fingers between Yuuri’s, bringing them away from his face but keeping them in a locked grasp as they rested in his lap. “But I’ll get through it. As long as you’re by my side, nothing will get in our way.”

Victor’s determination had Yuuri’s lips stretch into a warm smile. He leaned forward to press a soft kiss to Victor’s lips and as he pulled back, he said, “I’m so glad to hear that.”

Victor returned a kiss. “Me too.”

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri decided that wedding planning was more stressful than it should be.

There was so much that they needed to do. They needed to find where they wanted the wedding and when they wanted to have it. They wanted a winter wedding but with it being skating season, they decided against doing so as  _most_ of their guests were skaters. Neither wanted a summer wedding either. Victor wanted it to be in the spring. He wanted to get married soon. But Yuuri would rather have it in the fall. He liked the changing of leaves and the atmosphere.

They decided to settle for an early summer wedding when it was off-season. It was the only way either could be happy.

But then getting everything to go right was a struggle. They went to five different florists’ just so they could get the flowers on time. Their suits were hard to find. Victor wanted a  _very_ specific suit. He wasn’t going to settle for any less than his choice, no matter how often Yuuri suggested different types of suits. Victor had one in mind for the two of them and he didn’t want to let up his choice.

There was so much they had to do. But for Yuuri, there were a lot less that he could actually do.

He didn’t know what he was doing half of the time. He was asking Victor’s help for most of his jobs that Victor ended up doing them for him. It annoyed Yuuri. He wanted to live the human life but he didn’t know if anything he was doing was right. He didn’t know if he was making phone calls correctly. He didn’t know if he was asking someone the right question and getting a proper response from them. He disliked not knowing how others thought of him and whether or not what he said was ‘strange’ or ‘wrong’. It was a stupid fear but he couldn’t help but wonder.

It kept him up one night. He was tossing and turning until the birds began to sing and the sun was slowly rising over the horizon. He knew he was tired but his brain couldn’t settle. It was running wild – constantly thinking back to conversations he had that day and wondering if that person’s look was neutral or if they were judging him.

It was bothering him. He couldn’t stop his mind from questioning everything.

It didn’t make much sense to him either. He didn’t know why it was keeping him up until the early hours of the morning. He got his sleeping schedule on a good track – a solid 8 hours sleep every night. He felt tired and his eyes were heavy, but sleep wasn’t coming to him.

No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t settle down. And his mind constantly questioning everything and wondering about his worries made him frustrated. The longer he stayed awake, the more annoyed he was getting with himself.

He rolled to his side and closed his eyes. He kept them closed, waiting for sleep to come but the longer he waited, the more he realized it was a pointless attempt. He fell onto his back and huffed hard. It was worthless. He wasn’t going to sleep, not unless he did something.

He heard Victor shift beside him. Yuuri looked at him as he rolled onto his back and sighed through his nose. Yuuri wondered how Victor could sleep so easily. He had a stressful day too. He was running around all day, trying to get everything for the wedding sorted. He was more exhausted than Yuuri was. It didn’t make sense how he could sleep and Yuuri couldn’t.

He then had an idea. He just needed to do something to tire him out.

Yuuri hovered over Victor. His naked chest and exposed neck had his lips tingle and his mouth water. He pressed soft kisses along his neck and across his collarbone, caressing his lips along the places he knew made Victor shiver with pleasure. Victor gave a content sigh that was close to a moan. Yuuri grinned as his kisses trailed up his neck and along his jawline. He wasn’t going to go any further until Victor woke up.

“Hmm,  _Yuuri_ ,” Victor moaned out a sigh. Yuuri smiled and allowed his hands to finally touch Victor. Victor sighed hard as he turned his head to the side. “It’s too early.”

“I can’t sleep,” Yuuri whispered against Victor’s ear. He heard no response and took it as his moment to make a move. He pressed his hips forward. Victor let out a soft gasp. “Just quick and then you can sleep, yes?”

Victor exhaled a deep breath. It wasn’t the same as his moans or sighs of pleasure. There was frustration there. But Yuuri didn’t stop pressing his hips forward, not until he heard Victor say, “Yuuri, I’m trying to sleep.”

He paused his movements. He wondered if he could somehow convince Victor to give him what he needed. He ran his hand through Victor’s soft strands and tugged gently as his lips sucked at the base of Victor’s neck. He heard a light quiver in Victor’s gasp and Yuuri thought he got through to Victor. It wasn’t until his hands pushed his shoulders a little harshly and he was pushed back from Victor’s neck.

“Yuuri, I’m tired. I want to sleep.” Victor had woken up fully but his brows dropped and his eyes held a harsh stare, narrowed and annoyed. Yuuri let out a breath and didn’t realize he rolled his eyes until he done so. But he was annoyed. He didn’t care.

“I just needed to do something to tire me out,” He defended. Victor’s mouth dropped open, shocked by Yuuri’s words.

“I’m not your sex doll, Yuuri.”

Yuuri shared the same expression. “I never said you were.” There was a silence. It was thick and hung heavy between them. Victor’s stare didn’t falter and Yuuri’s mind stopped focusing on anything but his own need. It annoyed him that Victor wasn’t trying to help him. He always tried to help Victor but it seemed he didn’t get that favor returned. He rolled off him to lie on his back and crossed his arms. “You know what, just forget it.”

The silence never left. “You’re tired,” He heard Victor say.

Yuuri’s arms uncrossed and he slammed his arms against the bed. “Of course, I’m tired!” He snapped. “It’s 5AM, I’m still awake, and I’m annoyed.”

He heard Victor moved and he looked over to see him roll to his side. He rested his arm beneath his head, resting against it. “Neither of us are in the best place to talk right now,” He said and Yuuri wanted to make a snarky comment but he bit it back. “Try and sleep. I’ll let you lie in so we can talk this out when we’re both not pissed off, okay?”

Yuuri didn’t want to admit that Victor was right so he stayed silent. He turned away and crossed his arms. Victor sighed hard and went back to sleep, keeping his back to Yuuri instead. When Yuuri noticed it, it hurt. Usually, Victor stayed close to him but Victor was further away from him than the first time they argued. It pulled at his chest and he felt his eyes burn with the hint of tears coming forth. He forced them back. He wasn’t going to cry.

Sleep eventually came and he didn’t realize it until he woke up to the smell of food being cooked. It filled his nose and tickled his taste buds. He blinked away the blur and tiredness in his eyes. It felt like they almost stung.

He forced himself out of bed. He sat on the side as the events of the night before came rushing back to him. He groaned hard in his hands. He had been so horrible. He shouldn’t have done what he had or said what he did. It wasn’t right for him to act like that.

He needed to talk to Victor.

He slipped on a shirt before he left their bedroom. He stepped into the living room and saw Victor sitting on the couch with Makkachin on his lap. His eyes were glued to the TV and Yuuri wondered why he wasn’t in the kitchen cooking. He could smell food.

He didn’t know how to approach this. He cleared his throat and Victor turned. His gaze met Yuuri’s and Yuuri shifted awkwardly. Neither said a word. He took a deep breath. “Are you okay to talk?” He asked. Victor nodded and gestured to the space beside him. Yuuri took it.

Victor didn’t waste a second as he kept his gaze on Yuuri and said, “Do you want to begin, or shall I?”

Yuuri wanted to start first. He had so much to say but he didn’t know where to begin. “Uh, you… please.” He needed Victor to go first. He needed to hear what he had to say and how he made him feel.

Victor let Makkachin jump off his lap. The dog moved away as Victor turned to face Yuuri. His eyes never left Yuuri’s as he began. “You know I don’t mind those kinds of morning surprises. Morning blowjobs are my favorite. You know that.”

Yuuri nodded. “I do.” He wasn’t certain why Victor was mentioning that but he agreed anyway. He wasn’t wrong.

“My problem with that was last night, I told you I was tired and you snapped at me. I had every right to deny sex.” Yuuri was about to defend himself but Victor raised a finger quick, stopping any words from escaping Yuuri’s lips. “I know you already know that but I just needed to make it clear. When I found you woke me up because you wanted to tire yourself out through sex, I didn’t like that. I didn’t think our relationship was like that, Yuuri. Sex is great but not when I feel like I’m being used.”

Yuuri couldn’t stop his mind from scolding himself harshly. He knew Victor was right. Victor could deny sex and not only did Yuuri try and push him, he tried to find a way to convince Victor. He didn’t take Victor’s no as an answer. He was in the wrong and he needed to apologize.

“I’m sorry.” Yuuri didn’t realize how weak his voice sounded. It cracked and shook. He took a deep breath to compose himself. “I know what I did was wrong. You had every right to deny sex and I shouldn’t have tried to push you into it. You are your own person and I should respect your choices. I also shouldn’t have seen you as a solution to help me sleep. I knew how much sex can tire me sometimes and I really wanted to sleep. I shouldn’t have thought to use you like that and I’m sorry, Victor.”

There was relief in Victor’s eye and Yuuri saw that as a good thing. Victor laced their fingers together and Yuuri glanced down, looking between their intertwined hands and Victor’s smile. And in an instant, without words, Yuuri knew Victor had forgiven him.

Victor moved closer but not to kiss or pull him in an embrace. They sat so their knees touched, close to each other that Yuuri could feel Victor’s warmth beside him. They didn’t say anything for a while. They needed the silence to think.

“There must have been something keeping you up so late,” Victor said after a while. Yuuri looked up. There was that concern in Victor’s eyes that made Yuuri want to spill his heart and confess every negative emotion he was feeling. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Yuuri sighed hard. “It’s a lot, really.” He didn’t know where exactly to begin. “There’s the stress. It isn’t because of the wedding. I think it’s more this… fear I didn’t know I had. And this fear doesn’t seem to go away. It’s like it stays in my mind and refuses to leave.”

“You’re discovering more about yourself. That’s expected, Yuuri,” Victor replied.

“I already know that.” Yuuri would be dumb if he didn’t. “It’s just… I don’t like this new discovery I made.”

Yuuri disliked the fear. It was the way his mind would focus on the smallest things. He would wonder if he said something right or if the person replied to him normally. He feared their judgment on him and if he was appearing as ‘normal’. Those fears did not exist when he was Death. He didn’t worry about the way he was perceived by another person. It was never a thought on his mind. But suddenly, it’s plagued his every thought.

Victor’s grip around his hand tightened. Even the smallest touch or action made the biggest difference. Yuuri felt like everything would be okay. “You won’t like everything you discover,” Victor spoke softly. “Try talking about it. Like you always say with me. It does help, Yuuri.”

Yuuri took a deep breath. He wasn’t even certain if he could explain it in the right words but he was going to try. “I seem to worry about the way people view me,” He began. Victor stayed silent and focused his attention on Yuuri. “It’s like… when I make a phone call, I feel shaky and I talk really fast. Or if I’m being served by somebody, I worry if I say ‘hello’ correctly or if what I said was the right or wrong thing. And it doesn’t seem to give up. The worry and the fear stay in my mind and last night it just…”

“Got out of control.”

“Yeah,” Yuuri nodded. “It was like my mind was refusing to forget. I never had this before, Victor.” He didn’t know how he could have a fear that seemed so silly. He had no reason to worry but his mind chose otherwise. His mind wouldn’t let go of simple little things. “Is there something wrong with me?”

Victor let out a breath as he shook his head. “There is nothing wrong with you, Yuuri.” Yuuri believed him. He was a human now – there couldn’t be anything wrong with him. “I think you need to work at a pace that helps you become aware what the problem is and what we can do to help.”

“I think so too,” He said. “Maybe I don’t know myself as well as I thought.”

“Nobody really does, Yuuri. But that’s okay.” Victor’s hand cupped his cheek. His loving smile made the world brighter and Yuuri’s worries fizzle away into a little bubble in the back of his mind. “You’re trying to figure out who you are. It’s going to be a journey but it’s okay. If I can make it, I don’t doubt for a second that you can too.”

He was right. Victor’s journey to discovering himself was long and painful, but he made it. Yuuri didn’t doubt either that with Victor by his side, he could make it too. He could figure out how to cope with his fears and what can help him overcome them. He was the only one in the way of his own happiness and he wasn’t going to get in the way. He wanted to be the best human he could be. He didn’t doubt he may struggle but he was determined to try.

If Yuuri wanted to be the best human, he needed to be aware of not just his own feelings, but others too. Last night wasn’t going to happen again. No matter how frustrated, tired, or angry Yuuri was, he was never going to take it out on Victor again. “I am sorry for what I did last night,” He apologized again. He knew Victor had forgiven him but he needed to make sure Victor also knew he was aware he was in the wrong.

Victor kissed Yuuri’s lips – gently and sweet. “I’ve already forgiven you, Yuuri,” He murmured. “Just don’t wake me up with that again. Morning blowjobs are fine, as always. Just not that.”

Yuuri laughed as he nodded. “Okay.”

 

* * *

 

 

Becoming so detached to the spirit world still had Yuuri wonder.

There were times where he would look around in hopes to catch a glimpse of a spirit or a lost soul. He’d hope that one day, he would wake up with the eyes of Death and see the world scattered in a glimmering light of souls and spirits that was once all so normal to him.

He liked being a human. He enjoyed the new adventure of being something he never was. The way they thought and felt – their senses and peculiarity were all so interesting. Yuuri was glad about his choice. He was happy he was able to experience what interested him so much. He wouldn’t trade it for the world.

But living another life like this afterward didn’t appeal to Yuuri as much as he had hoped.

He thought a lot about their choice when they die. Neither had made a choice yet. They didn’t know what they wanted to do once they died. Yuuri tried hard not to make up his mind but no longer being Death had him miss the life he lived for centuries. It was influencing his answer and he tried hard not to let it. He wanted to wait until he was older – at least ten years later – before he would think about it and come to a decision.

But the absence of souls, the freedom, and the simple life that he lived for billions of years – a life he knew so well – was a constant thought in his mind. He missed it. He wanted to be able to teleport from one place to another and show Victor the world again. He wanted to help spirits who needed him and calm their souls enough to encourage them to move on. His soul didn’t feel like it belonged where he was. He was like an alien hiding in plain sight. And in many ways, he was.

He didn’t belong to live amongst humans. But it didn’t mean he didn’t want to.

Humans still interested him, even while he was living as one. It was the way they would say ‘ow’, even if they hadn’t actually been hurt. It was just a thing they said when they thought they could have been hurt but wasn’t sure yet. It was how some humans enjoyed the same catchy tune or sound so much that they often began to mimic it, even to the point of annoying themselves. They were so determined to learn new things and achieve what they saw was the impossible and Yuuri had to admire them. He always had, even before he met Victor.

No human interested Yuuri like Victor did, but that was a whole other story.

Yuuri was conflicted. He knew what he wanted but he also didn’t. He missed his past life but he loved his new one. He was jumping from one choice to another, uncertain on what to do or what to think. It was bothersome to not just Yuuri, but Yuri too.

He was supposed to meet up with the young skater but he was running late. If he was Death, he could have been on time. But he wasn’t, so he had to be late and annoy the skater more than he already had that day. He was never certain why he made Yuri annoyed sometimes but it seemed to be a common thing. He stopped questioning it after a while and decided that it was just how Yuri was.

“You’ve finally made it,” Yuri said to an out of breath Yuuri. He ran most of the way and he forgot that he would be out of breath when he arrived.

Yuuri took a moment to catch his breath. “I – I woke up – late,” He spoke between breaths. He nearly missed Yuri’s eye roll but chose to ignore it. He sucked in a deep breath and forced his heart to calm and his breathing to even. “So – So what are we doing today?”

He was supposed to meet with Yuri for something to do with the wedding but Victor never told Yuuri what exactly it was. (“You and Yurio need to meet up today!” Victor said across the table. Yuuri held his stare. He had plans to do nothing that day. “I have to get something for the wedding and you and Yurio need to as well. Is that okay?”)

It wasn’t that okay. Yuuri wanted to do nothing that day but if it was for the wedding, he didn’t want to get lazy about it. Whatever Victor needed to get was clearly a surprise and he didn’t want Yuuri to see it. Still, he couldn’t help but become curious.

“He wants us to try out food,” Yuri said as they began their walk down the street. “Apparently, he wants a Russian dish and a Japanese one too, so clearly, you’re the right person for that.”

If Yuuri’s heart wasn’t racing before, it definitely was now. Victor wanted him to choose a Japanese dish? He couldn’t do that. Victor knew he never lived in Japan and that he never tried Japanese food. It didn’t make sense. He wondered why Victor would have him choose one.

He had to send Victor a quick text before they walked inside a restaurant Yuuri had never been to before. He discreetly pulled his phone out as Yuri spoke to someone and quickly tapped away at his phone. He was getting better and faster at using it now.

_Victor. Why exactly did you think I was a good choice for choosing a Japanese dish? You do remember I wasn’t human before this… right?_

When they sat down, Yuuri waited for a response but none arrived. Victor hadn’t even looked at the text yet. He knew because there wasn’t a little ‘ _read_ ’ beneath his message. That was something Phichit showed him.

“So, do you want to order the food first or shall we get drinks?” Yuri asked when Yuuri was quickly sending a message to Yuko. He knew out of everyone, Yuko could recommend him a good dish to try.

Yuuri pocketed his phone and paused, staring straight at Yuri trying to remember what he said. And then it hit him. “Oh, uh –” He needed to wait for Yuko to text him first, he told himself. “Drinks first. I don’t really know what exactly I want.”

“You haven’t even looked at the menu yet.”

Yuuri blinked. “I…” He had no response. He stayed silent as he picked up the menu and buried his head between the pages to hide his embarrassment. He heard Yuri clear his throat but he didn’t raise his head.

“How is the wedding planning going?” Yuri asked when their drinks arrived.

Yuuri moved the menu down, finally looking at Yuri. “Oh, good,” Yuuri began. “We still haven’t got our suits yet. Victor really wants a specific suit and apparently, nowhere makes the exact one he is looking for, so that’s going slower than it should.”

Yuri snorted a laugh. “That’s typical of him,” He said. “How hard can it be to buy a suit?”

“Very hard for Victor,” Yuuri replied. He glanced down to his phone, checking he didn’t miss a message from Yuko or Victor. Neither had replied yet. “He wants the suits to be perfect. He said if anything goes wrong if we look good it wouldn’t matter.”

“That’s dumb,” Yuri commented. Yuuri didn’t want to reply. He thought it was nice that Victor wanted their suits to be perfect, even if Victor did comment on Yuuri’s suit choice with a somewhat unpleasant comment on his fashion taste. “So, what shall we have?”

And in that second, the waitress came over to ask for their food and all eyes were on him. Yuuri held onto the menu a little too tightly, slightly creasing it with the force of his grip. He glanced down at the page and quickly searched for something that seemed good to eat. The second his eyes caught the word ‘Pork’, the words fell from his mouth before he realized.

“Uh, Katsudon.”

The waitress wrote down his order. She didn’t seem to find the choice strange but he received an off look from Yuri. “Katsudon?” He asked. Yuuri hesitated but nodded. Yuri held his stare for a moment before it turned to the waitress and said, “Make that two.”

That moment  _had_ to be the time he received two texts – one he needed just for answers, and another he was hoping to get before he ordered.

 _It’s a good chance for you to try out some Japanese dishes! You_ are  _Japanese after all, remember? ;)_

Yuuri tried not to roll his eyes at Victor’s text. He became suspicious by Victor’s sudden need for Yuuri to delve into his non-existent past. His guess was why he was suddenly told to leave the house that day. Victor was planning something and he was keeping it a secret. He didn’t want to dwell on it too much but it certainly stayed in mind.

The other text was from Yuko.

_Try Katsudon! The Katsuki family make the best one – If you like it, maybe we can make some arrangements for them to cook it for your wedding! I’ll keep you updated if you keep me updated._

Yuuri smiled and was immediately pleased with his choice. He trusted Yuko had good taste in foods. He couldn’t wait for the food to arrive so he could try it himself. He pocketed his phone and heard Yuri clear his throat. He glanced up and was met with a curious stare.

There was a pause.

“Do you remember when we first met?” Yuri began. Yuuri stayed silent, wondering where Yuri was going with his statement. “I said there was something up with you.”

Yuuri remembered it well. He nodded. It happened over a year ago when he first met Yuri. They started off rocky. Yuri didn’t trust him. He trusts Yuuri now but Yuuri wasn’t aware that he still had some caution over him. It was his only assumption why Yuri decided to bring it up.

“Yes,” He said. Yuuri had to ask. “Is there a reason why you brought it up?”

Yuri stayed silent for a moment. “I still think that,” He finally said, and Yuuri didn’t know what to say. “You’ve changed. There was once something so alien about you. It was like you lived inside a hole and all you had was your imagination to create a world. When I met you, it was like it was the first time you experienced the world.”

“And now?” Yuuri pressed on.

“And now suddenly you… seem more human,” He said, hesitant in his response. Yuuri could feel his heart beat faster and his palms sweat against the cold glass of his drink. Yuri shook his head to himself. “I’m probably going crazy. It’s stupid but I needed to say it.”

It was one of those moments where Yuuri didn’t know where he wanted to take the conversation. He could tell Yuri the truth but he feared Yuri not believing him. He could also lie to Yuri but he didn’t like lying. He could neither tell the truth or come up with a lie. He had mixed feelings. He was uncertain.

But regardless, he didn’t want Yuri thinking he was something he was not. “It’s not stupid, Yuri. And you’re not crazy.”

Yuri sighed heavily to himself. He kept his gaze fixed on his drink. He took a sip, keeping his eyes away from Yuuri for the moment. Yuuri didn’t expect Yuri to continue the conversation anymore and tried thinking up of a topic to change the subject.

“So, are you not human?” Yuri suddenly asked. If Yuuri was holding his drink up, it would have slipped from his grasp. He didn’t blink while his mind tried to catch up with everything that had just gone through his mind.

He cleared his throat. “I am.” He wasn’t lying. He was a human.

Yuri had more to say. “… Were you always human?”

“Why would you ask me that?” Yuuri said with his brows dropped and a mind that was quickly trying to find an excuse. He didn’t know if he was ready to let Yuri know who he used to be. He wasn’t even certain Yuri would believe him. But he couldn’t help but wonder why Yuri suddenly decided to ask him those questions.

Their food arrived but neither began eating. “My grandpa always told me to trust my gut. When I met you, I had this gut feeling that you were something else – something  _more_ ,” He began. Yuuri held his breath. “You were hiding something big. I’ve had this feeling for a long time and Victor knows what it is. Why wouldn’t he? I can only conclude that what you’re hiding has something to do with you as a person. Nobody acts the way you do. Nobody changes the way you have. So, tell me if you want… were you always human?”

As much as Yuuri wanted to deny it, there was no longer any reason for him to. Yuri would believe him if he said yes. He had guessed it all. He put the puzzle pieces together and he was confident in his answer. Yuuri had to admire his observation.

It was what encouraged Yuuri to take a deep breath and say with confidence, “No, I wasn’t.”

And all Yuri did was give a single nod. “That’s all I needed to hear.” It still startled Yuuri how he put together the pieces but he wasn’t going to question it. “Listen, whatever you are –  _were_ , I don’t care. You helped Victor more than anyone else. I owe you that much.”

Yuuri shook his head. “You don’t owe me anything.”

Yuri was ready to eat. Yuuri watched with anticipation, waiting for Yuri’s reaction to the food before he could react to it himself but Yuri never raised the food to his mouth. His head cocked sideways as a thought went through his mind. “Maybe I am a little curious what you were before,” He said and Yuuri smiled. “If you tell me what you were, I’ll stop calling you freak. Maybe it’ll change to Katsudon instead – if this tastes as good as I hope it does.”

Yuuri was happy to do that. He would like a nickname change. The name ‘freak’ was beginning to bother him now he felt more human emotions.

“I was Death himself.”

There was a long silence. Yuri held his stare, wide-eyed and unable to look away. Yuuri felt a little uncomfortable with the stare and he diverted his gaze to his surroundings, his food, anything that wasn’t Yuri’s stare. He couldn’t read him either. He didn’t know if it was a positive stare or a negative one. He held his breath and waited.

“That…” Yuri paused. “Is so fucking cool!”

Yuuri finally met his stare with a smile on his face.

He earned the nickname Katsudon by the end of their meal. He also discovered the best thing he had ever eaten before. Katsudon was certainly a favorite of his and he reminded himself to ask Yuko about the Katsuki family. He’d like to take her word and try their Katsudon.

He also wanted them more than just his food. He wanted to see the family that gave him a last name – the family that he wanted to meet.

 

* * *

 

 

Yuri knowing that Yuuri used to be Death made no difference to the world.

He had expected there to be some strange revelation or even a shift in their friendship, but nothing changed. Yuuri could even say it was like Yuri didn’t ask the question and it was all a dream. But Yuuri knew it wasn’t. It was real and Victor wasn’t the only person who knew anymore.

But Victor was different. He knew everything. Yuri knew very little.

He thought something should have changed. Yuri could look at him differently or become scared of him but nothing was different. Yuuri was both relieved and confused by it. He decided not to question it too much. There were a lot more on Yuuri’s mind that day. Their wedding was growing closer by the day and Victor  _still_  hadn’t got their suits yet.

Yuuri didn’t say he was getting stressed out by it, but he was getting stressed out.

He was putting his trust in Victor. Victor would find them the best suits and they’d wow the crowd at their wedding. And Yuuri also reminded himself that if Victor didn’t have their suits nearly done, Victor would be far more stressed than Yuuri is. Yuuri couldn’t tell if Victor was or wasn’t stressed but he tried to be confident.

Suddenly, the wedding was three weeks away. It still shocked Yuuri how fast time went by. It felt like yesterday that they were agreeing on dates. It was nearly their wedding. Soon, the man who he was sleeping next to every night would no longer be his fiancé. Victor would be his husband.

Yuuri didn’t understand labels when he was Death and he didn’t understand them now. And although he didn’t understand why Victor becoming his husband made his stomach flutter with excitement and had him laugh giddily, Yuuri couldn’t wait for them to become husbands.

He thought about it a lot. It was more than just them exchanging rings again and claiming to be more. It was their devotion to each other. It was more than a sign of love because they didn’t need to get married to know they were in love. It meant all their promises, trust, love, and life, would all become one and their promises would become more. It would pair them for a lifetime – and longer.

When the wedding was exactly two weeks away, Yuuri didn’t know why he woke up early that morning. He pondered it being the slight excitement he could feel building in his stomach. It could have also been the sunlight shining on his face between the drawn curtains, but he was awake and his first instinct was to feel for Victor.

He rolled to his side and circled his arm around Victor’s waist. He pulled him close, burying his face into the back of Victor’s hair. The smell of his shampoo and cologne filled his nose with a recognizable scent. He never thought a smell could become so familiar to him, but it was also intoxicating. It made him drunk on love.

The shrill of Victor’s alarm rang at eight AM, sharp, as it did every morning. Victor reached for his phone to switch off the alarm. Yuuri moved his arm to let Victor sit up so he could get ready for the day. Victor didn’t move. He stayed lying on his side, facing away from Yuuri and Yuuri wondered if he was okay.

“Victor,” Yuuri whispered close to his ear. “Our wedding is in two weeks.”

He hoped the smile in his voice and the excitement for their future would have Victor turn around to kiss him and maybe make love to him. Instead, Victor stayed silent. He didn’t even move an inch. Yuuri sat up, needing to take a look at Victor to see if he was alright. The moment Yuuri saw the haze in Victor’s eyes and a face of sadness, he knew why Victor didn’t get up that morning.

“Is today a bad day?” He asked. Victor sighed heavily as he nodded weakly. Yuuri didn’t hesitate to pull him close. Victor turned, circling his arms around Yuuri and falling into his embrace. Yuuri’s hand stroked through Victor’s hair as he pressed soft kisses where he could, giving Victor the comfort he needed.

Even with the excitement of their future and the happiness both felt, Victor’s sorrow would still come out and bite him harshly. His sorrows still hung on, making his heart ache, and making some days feel so tough to face. Yuuri couldn’t see Victor’s soul anymore but he didn’t need to see it to know that Victor needed comfort.

He needed to feel the warm embrace of a loved one. He needed to calm his mind and let out his emotions. They knew how to cope with days like that. Yuuri knew how to help and he would be damned if he wasn’t going to try and bring Victor’s smile back.

“Is something bothering you?” Yuuri asked because that’s what he always asked. If something was bothering Victor, he would need to talk about it. But sometimes it was nothing. There was no reason needed for Victor’s bad day to happen and all it would take is a full day in bed with some junk food and a movie to help ease the ache.

“I’m happy,” Victor mumbled against Yuuri’s neck. Yuuri’s brows dropped, wondering why Victor’s happiness made him so sad. It didn’t make much sense to him. “I’m so happy right now.”

“You deserve to be happy, Victor,” Yuuri murmured before pressing a soft kiss to the crown of Victor’s head. He felt Victor’s grip on his shirt tighten.

“I know I do,” He said. Yuuri was pleased he did. He raised his head to meet Yuuri’s eyes. He saw the glisten of tears threatening to fall. “But I… I don’t know why I think this but I still expect something to be taken from me. I’m waiting for something bad to happen that’ll push me back into that hole and I – I’m scared, Yuuri. I’m scared because any little thing could do that and I don’t want to be back there.”

Yuuri brushed Victor’s hair away from his face. “I won’t let that happen, Victor,” He promised.

“I know,” Victor replied. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. When they opened, brown met blue as he smiled weakly and said, “You’re always there to pull me out.”

Yuuri’s hand in his hair moved down to cup his cheek. His thumb stroked over his cheekbone as Yuuri smiled warmly. “I always will be, Victor,” He smiled. Victor returned the grin, lovingly and full of warmth. “I love you.”

When their lips met in a warm embrace, Victor murmured against them, “I love you too.”

Their kisses became desperate and fast. They hadn’t made love in a while and it was something they needed. And in that bed that early morning, Victor’s bad day became that little more bearable. They made love as the sun rose high in the sky, bodies pressed against one another as moans filled the silence of their home.

 

* * *

 

 

Finally, the day they had been so excited for was there. It was their wedding day and Yuuri couldn’t calm the fast beating of his heart. He couldn’t think straight that morning. He could only focus on repeating his vows in his mind, trying hard not to forget them or mess them up. He was more than just nervous, but tired too. His bed sheets were a knot around him by morning and aside from the short, vivid dream, he didn’t sleep a wink that night.

Yuuri’s palms were sweaty. Why were they sweaty?

A phone was suddenly shoved in his face. “Phichit!” Yuuri said harshly. His friend had his phone high in the air and the camera facing towards Yuuri. “Don’t take pictures of me.”

“I’m not,” Phichit replied as he moved the camera closer to Yuuri. “It’s a video. I’m documenting this exciting moment in your life. Now tell me, Yuuri. How excited are you to be marrying the love of your life?”

Victor was the love of his life. Victor was the one he would see in his suit they finally received only days ago, looking stunning and beautiful. Yuuri didn’t know if he wanted to cry from Victor’s beauty or from the tugging of terror, nerves, and excitement that accumulated in his stomach. He was fine. His hands were shaking but he was fine.

He turned away from Phichit and stared at his reflection in the mirror. His hair was slicked back and his glasses abandoned. He was wearing contacts for the first time but only from Phichit’s request. His friend had helped him style his hair after all. He couldn’t do it himself from the trembling in his hands. He was tense. He could see it in his face.

Yuuri didn’t know when Phichit put down his phone but his hand was on Yuuri’s shoulder. There was comfort in the gesture and when Yuuri met Phichit’s stare in the mirror, he took a deep breath to calm his nerves. “I’m okay.”

“You’re nervous,” Phichit commented. Yuuri nearly replied with a snarky, sarcastic comment but he forced the words back. He was too tired and he didn’t want to be rude. Phichit moved to grab a chair, pulling it up beside Yuuri. “Come on, tell me. What’s got you so nervous?”

“I don’t know,” Yuuri answered because he really didn’t. He knew his nerves were irrational but knowing that didn’t stop them from bothering him. “It has to be that we’re getting married, right? I know I shouldn’t be nervous but… what if something goes wrong? What if everything goes wrong and the wedding is ruined? Victor worked so hard to make sure everything is right.”

Phichit didn’t move for a moment and Yuuri wondered what he was going to say. His hands suddenly fell on Yuuri’s shoulders as he kept Yuuri facing him. His stare was hard as he said sternly, “Listen, Yuuri, whatever happens today, you two will be getting married. You will exchange your rings, make out, get drunk, and have a long night of intense love making where you’ll wonder why you were so nervous in the morning. I know it’s not much for advice but it’s the best I can give.”

It didn’t matter to Yuuri if it was the best advice he heard or if there was minimal effort involved, he appreciated that Phichit tried. And although his nerves didn’t calm, he did feel a lot better about the day than he did before. Phichit was right. Whatever happens, they would still be getting married. The day would be perfect even if everything went wrong because Yuuri would still be marrying the love of his life.

He gave the best smile he could. “Thank you, Phichit.” Phichit returned the grin before turning back to his phone and putting the camera back into Yuuri’s face.

“So, Yuuri, how does it feel to be marrying the love of your life?”

Yuuri laughed. “It feels… unbelievable. He means everything to me and more. I love him.” Phichit’s smile widened as he lowered his phone. Yuuri became curious to his sudden grin. “What?”

“Victor said the same thing.”

 

* * *

 

 

“I know we’ve exchanged rings before, Yuuri, but these rings hold a different meaning. This ring on your finger is my trust. This ring I exchange now is more than just my trust. It’s my two L’s. My life and my love. You are both, Yuuri. You’ve seen at my lowest and I want you to be there when you see me at my highest. You helped me find my life and love too. Love is not just spoken, but lived, and you showed me that.”

The first exchange of their rings had Yuuri feel warm. The second exchange had his heart race and his hand tremble as Victor slipped the ring onto his finger.

“I had some vows planned but… I think it’s best for me to express myself through my own words. I can say you helped me find my two L’s too. You gave me knowledge that I never knew. You helped me discover things I never thought I would. I know I say soulmates don’t exist and I still stand by that. But our souls bonded. Our souls were destined to find each other. And like I said that night, our souls didn’t influence our love. We well in love all by ourselves. It was raw, undeniable love.”

 

* * *

 

 

The room buzzed with excited chatter. Yuuri’s eyes scanned over the crowds, looking at many people he had seen before, and others he hadn’t. There were so many lives in front of him – so many souls that he could no longer see with different fates and different ends. Of all those souls, none of them ever compared to the one standing next to him.

They were married now.

It was a strange feeling. He’d look down at his finger and see two rings instead of just one. He’d see their promise and trust, their life and love. He’d look up and see a room full of people who were there to see him and Victor express their love and declare it loud and clear. He had never been center of attention before. Eyes were always on Victor. Instead, they were on both.

“Yuuri~!” Victor sang as he hugged Yuuri’s body from the side. His jacket had been discarded not long after they were done getting photos taken. His hair was no longer neat and tidy but ruffled a little from the excitement of the evening and the dancing. “Yuuri, we have our first dance soon.”

Yuuri smiled as he met Victor’s eyes. “You might want to get your jacket back on for that,” He said before turning, trying to remember where Victor threw it. As Yuuri’s eyes scanned the room, the announcement for their first dance was suddenly called and both decided it didn’t matter.

The dance floor cleared as people scattered to the sides to watch them dance. Victor guided Yuuri onto the dance floor, both with a smile on their face as their arms went around each other. When the familiar tune of a guitar echoed throughout the room, they moved with the music. It was nothing exciting or special. They didn’t want to put on a show. They wanted to stare into each other’s eyes and rock with the music that surrounded them.

There was a hushed silence behind the music. Not a single soul spoke as they watched Yuuri and Victor dance. Yuuri would look but he didn’t dare tear his eyes away from Victor’s. In his entire existence of being Death himself, never once did he ever imagine himself in a moment like this.

“You look tired,” Victor spoke quietly. “Did you sleep last night?”

“Not well. I was nervous,” Yuuri said. It was then he noticed the heaviness in Victor’s eyes too. There were dark circles beneath his eyes and Yuuri was sure he tried covering them with makeup. He raised a brow, “Did you sleep?”

Victor bit back his smile as he shook his head. Yuuri sighed. He couldn’t say anything about Victor not sleeping because he was no better.

Neither could spend the night together which Yuuri didn’t understand because apparently, it was tradition that they didn’t see each other at all. It didn’t make sense but Yuuri went with it. He wondered if Victor was thinking the same.

“I have a lot of people I want to introduce you to,” Victor said as the lights around them changed and painted colors across their faces. Yuuri smiled warmly. He wondered of all the people he had met, who it was Victor still needed to introduce him to. “Some are family. Others are old friends I haven’t seen in a while. I just want to show off my beautiful husband.”

Yuuri laughed. “I’d show you off too but I only know a handful of people.” A handful were two – Phichit and Yuko. He had met her husband and children, but he was thinking more close friends and family. “I’ll be able to show you off to people I meet in the future.”

“Yes, you will,” Victor grinned widely.

Their dance ended with an applause and the dancefloor was quickly taken over by crowds who wanted to dance again. Yuuri didn’t notice the crowd until they surrounded them but the warm grip of Victor’s hand around his pulled him away from the crowd and to the side where they could breathe.

They stayed close. They never hovered too far away from each other before they found themselves back by each other’s side again. Victor took him to greet people he’s spoken to before as well as meeting new faces he'd never seen but once met in the afterlife.

He got a kind congratulation from Yakov as well as a hug which Victor claimed was rare and unseen in such a public place. Yuuri was certain Victor was joking. Chris said a side comment on their night together which Yuuri knew was about their honeymoon but he couldn’t say Chris was wrong. Then they met up with Helen. Victor stuck by his word when he said he wanted to invite her. It was strange seeing her outside of work but still nice.

“Thank you for inviting me, Victor,” Helen greeted when the two walked towards her. “I must say congratulations! It was a beautiful wedding.”

“Thank you,” Victor smiled. “I don’t think we would have gotten this far if you didn’t help when you did.”

“I didn’t make this happen, Victor. I only help. This was all you,” She said. Yuuri caught Victor was unable to hide his smile. He was proud of himself and Yuuri was too. “And Yuuri, congratulations. I’m so pleased to see how far you two have gotten since our sessions. I knew you two were a strong couple.”

“Even stronger,” Yuuri kept his eyes on Victor as he grinned. He glanced at Helen as he said, “You certainly helped us but you mostly helped Victor. I can’t express how thankful I am.”

“I know this’ll sound strange but I hope I won’t have to see either of you two in the future,” She said and Victor laughed casually. Yuuri only laughed because Victor did. He didn’t find it funny more than he did find it true. He hoped neither himself nor Victor found themselves back in her office with emotions they can’t control and memories that hurt them.

Victor continued his talk with Helen but Yuuri’s mind fell elsewhere. He turned, eyes searching around them. He saw Yuko talking to a lady he had never seen before. He wondered who she was. Victor hadn’t introduced him to her yet and he was certain Victor had introduced him to everyone by now. Whoever it was must have been somebody Yuko invited.

He watched as Yuko pointed towards him. As the woman turned, Yuuri stopped. He had seen those eyes before. She had his eyes. They too were stained with coffee and the earth’s soil. He saw care in her eyes, like a mother he could never have. She had a face that made everything feel okay. In a storm, where the winds howled and whistled, she was there to protect and love.

She had his eyes. Or maybe he should say he had her eyes.

“Yuuri?” Victor’s voice snapped him from his thoughts. “Are you okay?”

Yuuri blinked rapidly. He turned to Victor then back at the woman. She waved at the two when Yuko did and the two waved back. Yuuri had to bite back his smile as he said, “She has my eyes.”

Victor squinted his eyes to take a closer look. She turned her attention back to Yuko but they could still see her face. He heard Victor take a quick intake of breath as he gasped and said, “She… does.” He was just as startled as Yuuri was. “You don’t think… she doesn’t hold a part of you too, does she?”

“No. I just…” He couldn’t work it out. Victor held a part of him but he didn’t have Yuuri’s eyes. He had Yuuri’s soul – little pieces of it that connected them. Then Yuuri’s mind remembered one being and he couldn’t help but suspect them. “I can only say this is the work of the Universe.”

Victor’s brows dropped. “They can’t have known everything was going to happen this way. You told me they didn’t expect us to happen.” He paused for a moment to think. “You had to have been based on another body to have your own, yes?”

“This was my own design,” Yuuri said before pausing. He must have met her soul before. He must have inspired his look from her. They held more similarities than just their eyes, but in their face too. He couldn’t remember. His memory had faded since becoming human, but he remembered enough to know he didn’t choose to copy another body. “Perhaps I inspired myself from her soul.”

Victor hummed and nodded. “Maybe you’re right,” He said as his arms circled around Yuuri’s waist, hugging him from behind. “You made a good choice. You have beautiful eyes.”

Yuuri turned to face Victor. His hand brushed back Victor’s hair, his fingers got tangled in the mess of his ruffled hair. He met Victor’s eyes and could easily say the same about his. Victor had beautiful eyes too. He had eyes that brought to mind forget-me-nots and the sky in early dawn. They sparkled like ice against the sun but knew warmth and love. He loved Victor’s eyes.

The night moved on and they snuck away after a while, leaving before most guests did so they could have their time together. They giggled and smiled because the night was still young and they were happy, full of excitement and a little tipsy from a few drinks.

Their honeymoon was a rented home away from the busyness of life, out far into the countryside where they could be alone. Victor had planned for them to go somewhere far where it was warm and they were by a beach. But those plans were put on pause when neither thought it was right for them to try and get Yuuri – an undocumented citizen and what the government might call an alien – a passport. They wanted to keep Yuuri hidden, just in case the wrong person found out.

Where they went was just as beautiful as any beach or expensive home abroad. When they arrived, their room was lit up by candles that provided them with a soft, flickering glow that surrounded them. Music was playing that sang about love and set their own on fire.

And much like their first dance, they were having their second. They moved quietly in each other’s arms, tired from their lack of sleep but so awake with love and warmth that neither needed to sleep. They didn’t look so clean cut by the time they arrive. Yuuri discarded his jacket long ago and his slicked back hair was beginning to fall on his face. Victor’s hair was a mess. It splayed over his face in a tangled mess and his dress shirt was half untucked. He lost his jacket at some point in the night and it made Yuuri want to laugh. He spent so long searching for the perfect suit only to lose his jacket the night of their wedding.

They moved closer. In between their kisses, Victor’s hands began to roam as Yuuri unbuttoned Victor’s dress shirt. They felt and took pleasure in the soft kisses and warm touches. He enjoyed Victor’s reaction as his fingertips trailed down his back, earning a soft gasp against his lips. He pushed back Victor’s shirt and breathed kisses down his neck and onto his shoulder. The music played on.

Their sensual touches did not rush them but continued to bring them slowly closer. In that room, they made love much like any other time they did. It was nothing new or special and yet, they never made love like that before. They were both a mess – out of breath and tired but ready to go again. They only came to a stop when both fell asleep by accident, naked and pressed close to one another.

The morning was a little less fun when they had to shower to clean themselves up and wash the bed sheets, but it prompted soft touches and louder moans from the small confined space of the shower.

It was the first day they spent together as husbands and while it could have started better, neither would trade that day for the world.

 

* * *

 

 

They had a lot they needed to discuss with their future. The most recent were children. They decided against having kids.

It wasn’t that neither wanted to have kids. Victor always dreamed of having a little girl or boy he could teach ice skating. Yuuri never imagined himself having a child by his side that he called his own. Even during his time with Victor, a child never seemed to come into question. He only thought of it when Victor brought it up. It was a discussion they needed to have.

They chose not to have kids because of their choices.

Neither had chosen what they wanted but they thought of the possibility for each outcome. If they chose to continue living as humans, it wouldn’t matter if they had children or not. It was if they chose to live on as Death that had them decide against it. They didn’t want to grow attached. They didn’t want to start a family and constantly watch them live, age, and die on repeat for the rest of their lives.

It didn’t matter if they chose not to have kids in this life. If they did choose to live as humans, they could have children in their next life to make up for it.

So, instead, they aged together with Makkachin the second by their side. They didn’t feel incomplete without a child in their arms. After a few years, the thought slipped from their minds as they lived on. There were other things that kept them busy. They watched Yuri win gold after gold, achieving victories that Victor once did. They were there for Chris’ wedding, Yuri’s, and other skater’s that finally tied the knot years after they retired themselves.

Victor was still seen as a living legend. He thought he lost that title when he failed at Worlds. If he hadn’t came across a documentary on retired figure skaters, Yuuri wondered he may have never believed that.

It looked into the lives of retired figure skaters and their final years before retirement. It didn’t interview the skaters but instead, spoke to fans who loved and supported them throughout their careers. Victor was still seen as a legend, forever remembered as the skater that never failed to surprise his audience. It was then that Victor discovered the real reason why the audience clapped for him when he failed at worlds.

He wasn’t being mocked or laughed at. Victor thought that was what happened but he read it wrong. What surprised them the most was how dedicated and determined Victor was to his career that even when he was at his lowest, he still found the strength to try his hardest. A fan said Victor deserved a better end but how it ended wasn’t disappointing. It was strong and it gave them the motivation to find their own strength in themselves.

Victor cried but it was no longer from sorrow. His tears were happy, full of relief and unreleased pain. The realization struck him hard. It knocked him to his feet as his tears streamed down his cheeks but unlike the last time he cried, he rose higher than he ever had before.

It was what Victor needed to hear. And Yuuri didn’t doubt that was what made Victor truly accept his career end.

When they were in their 40’s, they made their decision.

It was a hard choice for them to make. It was a conversation that lasted over a week as both needed to be certain in their decision. They didn’t want to regret it later on but Yuuri knew whatever choice he made, if he was by Victor’s side, it was all that mattered. When they knew what they both wanted and were happy with their choice, they came to a confident answer.

It was a weight off their shoulders – a huge relief that if either one of them were to die soon, they’d know what choice to make.

The older Yuuri got, the more he found being a human was a constant stream of discoveries. He was always learning something new and his body never stopped changing. It was so strange to see himself change the way he did. He always had the same face and style, it was strange seeing it change so drastically for the first time in centuries. It never changed and that was how Yuuri liked it.

He couldn’t say he hated the way his body changed but he didn’t love it either. He wasn’t a fan of the way it made his skin wrinkle and his hair grey. He was pleased his hair didn’t think out like Victor’s did. Victor went through enough grief over the fear of hair loss, losing a few extra strands had him desperate to keep his hair thick and healthy.

Death was more common. The older he was, the closer he got to his old life. He swore some days, he could feel the chill of death up his spine, reminding him of the life he once lived and the role he was created to care for. Yuuri still missed that life but living as a human gave him a different perspective on his being. He didn’t like how it took those who were close to him. It was unexpected and sometimes, it struck without warning.

He hated how it took Victor from him first.

It wasn’t unknown to either of them that one of them had to die first. It was how it was meant to be. Yuuri knew that more than anyone. He always thought that if Victor died first, he would be able to cope with his death better than Victor would if Yuuri died.

But when Victor did eventually die, the loss hurt him more than he thought it would. It pulled and tugged at his insides and left a mark on his mind that never healed. It didn’t matter that Yuuri knew everything about the afterlife. None of that mattered because the morning Yuuri shook Victor awake to find he was frozen and still with death, he cried.

He cried from heart ache and loss. He was desperate to wake Victor up and see his bright blue eyes smiling back at him. But age was an end that even death himself could not stop. He knew that while he cried, Victor was watching over him crying too because neither wanted to live through the other’s death. If they had it their way, they’d die together – hand in hand and souls moving on together.

Yuri helped Yuuri plan the funeral. Phichit did too and other friends too. Victor’s funeral was big. He had many friends, family, skaters, and sponsors that wanted to attend his funeral. Yuuri felt comfort from each and every person. They showed him support and helped him as he wept, watching Victor’s coffin move further underground.

It was strange to Yuuri. He was watching a piece of wood that held the shell for a soul get buried underground. He felt like he shouldn’t have cried but he couldn’t stop his tears. Inside the coffin was the love of his life. It was the body that he loved and it made it so much harder to accept that Victor really was gone.

Yuuri couldn’t feel Victor anymore. He was gone until Yuuri’s death, which was unknown and uncertain.

He dreamed of Victor that night. He was at the funeral again, surrounded by everyone who was there during the day. It was the same except Victor was there too. He walked up the aisle as his eyes scanned over the crowd that came to see him. “Wow! Yuuri!” He said with a stunned smile on his face. “Did you see how many people were at my funeral?”

Dream Yuuri never replied to Victor. He wasn’t sure if he didn’t have anything to say that Victor didn’t already know or if he couldn’t because it was a dream.

“It’s strange. To think when I was younger, I felt so alone. Seeing this many people here…” Victor paused as his eyes roamed around the room. Everyone was silent, even Yuuri. The dream went strangely after that. The funeral had disappeared and they were in an empty clearing and surrounded by fog.

Victor then changed. He wasn’t so amazed anymore but instead, tears slipped down his face. “I miss you, Yuuri,” He said. “The Universe says it won’t be long until you arrive too. I’ve been talking to them. They’re… interesting.”

Yuuri woke from his dream and found peace in hearing Victor’s voice. It wasn’t enough to help his heart recover but it gave him the energy to get up and continue on. If the dream was a message from Victor, then all he had to do was wait patiently for his death and he’d be with him once more.

Then came the day Yuuri did die.

He was sat on the balcony watching life go by. And in that moment of content, he felt a chill down his spine and his soul fell with ease. It was sudden but Yuuri knew without a second hesitation that he was ready. As he closed his eyes and took his final deep breath, his soul embarked on a journey through life and time, day and night, returning to where he once was born in moments. And as Yuuri opened his eyes, his heart felt whole again.

Victor was there. He was young and still as beautiful as the day he died. Yuuri was young too with smooth skin and energy he hadn’t felt since he was younger. He didn’t hesitate as they ran into an embrace with smiles on their faces and kissing each other with pure heartache and love. They were together again. They were finally together.

“Are you ready?” Yuuri asked. He missed Victor so much but it was time. They were to make their choice to live on as humans, or to become Death. They knew their answer. They were ready.

“I am,” Victor said. And as they turned to face the Universe in its true form, their decision never changed. “It’s time.”

It was time for another adventure they were willing to take.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was something I had planned for a while. At first I was going to make it into a little series since I wrote so much but I didn't want to overdo a story that was supposed to be finished. I wanted to write a sequel but again, I didn't want to overdo it and I also promised a few people that I would write an epilogue!  
> But I also wanted to write more because I love this AU with all my heart and I know some of you do too. But yes, this is now officially the end. I hope it doesn't somewhat make the end of the previous chapter feel irrelevant. Their choice is still left ambiguous. But there's now a wedding, an insight into Yuuri becoming human, and more! I needed to wrap up the last few questions that I never answered during the last chapter.  
> I'm rambling now. I hope you all enjoyed the surprise!
> 
>  
> 
> ~~_I also wanted to upload this on my birthday and heyyyy guess who's birthday it is_~~
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you all for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Here's my Tumblr, if you'd like to follow me! I mostly reblog YOI fanart, but hey! Come and say Hi to me! [x](http://axlaida.tumblr.com)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Sol](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12572256) by [Eurasian_Lynx](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eurasian_Lynx/pseuds/Eurasian_Lynx)




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